Scholarship G1 W5 Writing
- January 18, 2023
- 6:13 pm
- 107 Comments
Part 1.
Topic 1: Write a persuasive essay explaining why zoos should be banned. In your essay, consider the ethical concerns of keeping animals in captivity and how zoos may negatively impact the conservation of wildlife. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
Topic 2: Write a persuasive essay explaining why people should adopt a vegan lifestyle. In your essay, consider the environmental, ethical, and health benefits of veganism. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
Topic 3: Write a persuasive essay arguing that single-use plastics should be banned. In your essay, consider the environmental impacts of single-use plastics and how a ban on these items can help protect the planet. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
Topic 4: Write a persuasive essay explaining why we should transition to renewable energy sources. In your essay, consider the environmental and economic benefits of renewable energy and how it can help to mitigate climate change. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kC4_-4TwXg2IhjRCfGlvd3y4shTBOSZOY18ZhGdHlFc/edit?usp=sharing
Part 2.
Scholarship Interview Writing
What can you contribute to the school? (400 words)
-Past achievements
-Community
-How these relate to your future contributions and more importantly what you will give the school?
-Achievements are all commodities
-STILL MENTION ACHIEVEMENTS AND PAST EXPERIENCE
DO NOT BRAND YOURSELF AS A COMMODITY
-LEADERSHIP
-HEART AND KINDNESS
-Embracing the school spirit
-MORAL VALUES
107 thoughts on “Scholarship G1 W5 Writing”
Hi, when I click the link to the doc it comes out blank. I don’t know if it’s just me but can you resend it please. Thank you.
Claire
Hi, Claire, the document is accessible now. Thank you!
Thank you, I can access it now!
Hi, is it ok if I did the plastic one first? I did them out of order. Here is PART 3.
Scholarly HW WEEK 5 PART 3 Claire Wang
Hello, Claire, yes, its alright if you submit the part 3 first.
Overall Score: 17/20
Structure: 8/10
The essay has a clear introduction, body and conclusion. However, it could be improved by making the flow more logical and cohesive. For example, the writer could include more transitions between paragraphs to ensure that the essay is well structured.
Persuasive Techniques: 6/10
The essay contains some persuasive techniques such as the use of personal stories, statistics and rhetorical questions. However, the writer could use more persuasive techniques such as the use of analogies, comparisons and metaphors to make their point more effectively.
Emotional Appeal: 3/10
The essay does not contain much emotional appeal. The writer could use more emotionally charged language to evoke an emotional response from the reader. For example, instead of saying “Single use plastics are bad for the environment”, the writer could say “Single use plastics are destroying our planet”.
Figurative Language: 3/5
The essay does not contain much figurative language. The writer could use more figurative language such as metaphors, similes and personification to make their point more effectively. For example, instead of saying “Single use plastics are bad for the environment”, the writer could say “Single use plastics are like a virus destroying our planet”.
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 2/5
The essay contains some grammatical and syntactical errors. The writer could use more sophisticated words and phrases such as “catastrophic”, “devastating”, “menace” and “toxic”.
Use of Evidence: 4/5
The essay contains some evidence such as statistics and personal stories. However, the writer could include more evidence to make their point more effectively.
Vocab List:
Catastrophic, Devastating, Menace, Toxic
Single Use Plastics Should Be Banned
The use of single-use plastics is an issue of great concern for the environment and our planet. Every day, millions of single-use plastics are thrown away, and this has caused an unprecedented level of pollution. Single-use plastics are not biodegradable, and this means that they will remain in the environment for hundreds of years. This has devastating consequences for the environment and for the health of the planet.
Single-use plastics are a major source of pollution in our oceans. They are responsible for the deaths of millions of marine animals, and they are also responsible for the destruction of coral reefs and other habitats. Single-use plastics are also a major source of air pollution. They are responsible for the release of toxic chemicals into the atmosphere, and this has serious implications for our health.
Furthermore, single-use plastics are a major source of waste. Every year, millions of tonnes of single-use plastics are sent to landfill, and this is an enormous waste of resources. This waste can have serious consequences for the environment, as it takes hundreds of years for single-use plastics to break down.
It is clear that single-use plastics are a menace to our environment and our health. Therefore, it is essential that we take action to reduce the amount of single-use plastics in our environment. We must ban single-use plastics and replace them with more sustainable and environmentally friendly alternatives. This is the only way to ensure that our planet is protected from the devastating effects of single-use plastics.
Single use plastics are a catastrophic threat to our planet, our environment, and our health. Every day, millions of single-use plastics are disposed of, leading to an unprecedented level of pollution. These plastics are not biodegradable, meaning they will remain in the environment for hundreds of years, wreaking havoc on our oceans, air, and land. Marine life is threatened by the presence of single-use plastics, with millions of animals dying due to plastic pollution every year. Furthermore, single-use plastics are a major source of air pollution, releasing toxic chemicals into the atmosphere and causing serious health implications. Single-use plastics also lead to an enormous waste of resources, with millions of tonnes sent to landfill every year. This waste can have serious consequences for the environment, as it takes hundreds of years for single-use plastics to break down.
It is clear that single-use plastics pose an immense danger to our planet, and action must be taken to reduce their presence in the environment. We must ban single-use plastics and replace them with more sustainable and environmentally friendly alternatives. This is the only way to protect our planet from the devastating effects of single-use plastics, and to ensure a safe and healthy future for generations to come. We must take a stand against single-use plastics and work together to create a better world for ourselves and for our planet.
Part 2: I personally think that I can make a good contribution to the Trinity community. All of my previous teachers have mentioned many times that I am able to complete the adequate requirements and help my peers in any task, whether it be in the classroom solving advanced maths problems or on the field, playing sports with my fellow pupils. I can execute tasks of various difficulty and can assist others in doing so. A quote from my 2020 report card:
“Vageesha is an able student in the classroom. He spends time interacting with other students and assisting them with their growth. He heavily contributes to class activities and when asked a question, is usually the first to put his hand up. His attendance is always perfect and he abides by the school rules. He heeds to my advice and listens to other pupils to gain knowledge. He takes advantage of any opportunities and was even selected for a holiday gifted and talented class to strengthen the school’s reputation. He assists the teachers when requested and can help with any requested task independently or with minimal assistance.”
My 2nd grade teacher also wrote this in my second semester, or at least something quite similar. He also mentioned that for sections in my report card in which I was classified as having only a sound level of performance that I would listen carefully and heed to his advice. Most kids in primary school often volunteered to do class jobs to get away from classes, but I put my hand up for 2 main reasons: I was best in the class and all of my teacher noted that my academic achievement was high, so high that none of my teachers except my year 5 one could even find anything that was legitimately challenging for me, and I was responsible with risky things. Because teachers often tried to put me with kids who were slightly behind academically, our school teacher had plenty of teaching to do, and so they needed assistance. Here I was, there in that class pretty much just to be exploited. No,obviously, you might be thinking, why are you writing this down if you put it in a bad light now? Well, because I agreed to teach my class. The teachers sent me to teach them how to use computers, do maths problems, and write with good grammar. I remember in year 1 I was sent to the OC class because our teacher was absent. The teacher was doing a long division. I decided to start writing down what they were doing on the board. Another casual teacher who came with us asked me what I was doing, as did the other student. I explained to them the maths problem and how to solve it. I was really doing it because our split book that we were assigned was too easy, so I took my time to teach other students. I had a friend from kindergarten who I once told that my writing book had run out during a writing lesson. He told me to tell the teacher about it. I got a bigger one with 8mm rules (My handwriting has always been small and was written in a cursive font). Other students approached me regarding the book and requested to be informed on why I had a different workbook to them. I explained what had happened to them. Realising that I had good writing, many people, all the way up to year 4, came to me requesting I edit their writing, before the teachers. I often was confused, and encouraged others. When people said I could do anything, instead of being arrogant like my year 1 teacher called me in front of my class I helped those people as much as I could. The only awards I won were academic ones.
Sorry for not doing the texts in order
Zoos should be banned
When you were little, you were, like many others at your age, very, very cruel. Why? You liked zoos. You never noticed the sad faces of the innocent animals, them having faced hours of torture and anxiety. Instead, you watch as your kind mother takes a picture of a monkey, scaring him into his hiding spot. You are sad for a moment, but then you see a number of other animals and you drag your mother to them. Now though, you know a lot more about earth, and you understand that the story is different. But still, care about this you don’t.
The core reason as to why zoos are really bad and should be destroyed is because of their use. I really don’t understand the whole point of having them. There are just about 10 billion other ways to find out info about animals. Yes sure, most of them are quite difficult, but you could just search it on the internet. Plus, it only benefits human beings, which, yes, are obviously the more dominant creatures of earth but we are severely outnumbered by all other animals. There are 7.8 billion humans on earth, but there are 20 quintillion – yes 20 quintillion – animals on earth. So really, it should be us humans venturing into the habitats of the animals and just taking pictures in positions that won’t scare them, and then putting the PICTURES publicly. That is why zoos are purposeless public spaces that waste your time.
Also, I believe zoos should be banned due to animal cruelty. Animal cruelty is comparable to the holocaust. Millions upon billions of animals are subjected to cruelty on extreme levels. Over 75% of zoos worldwide practice animal cruelty to a total of more than 450,000 animals yearly. Imagine that. And, so called “conservation projects” and “breeding projects” are done so that zoos can cover up “accidental abuse”.
Another reason why zoos are there to waste everyone’s time is money. It costs millions of dollars just to build a tiny building for public amusement. I don’t get the point.There are many other ways of displaying animals OTHER than putting them in captivity and building. Plus, there’s a war going on in Europe as I write that’s likely to change history forever and restart the USSR. And nobody wants that thing in existence again. And then, at the same time, we are building a zoo. A means of public entertainment that won’t help anyone in anything. So that is another major reason as to why Zoos are useless and stupid things that never should have existed.
Now that you are at the end of reading this article, your view of zoos would have changed. Animals don;t need to be subjected to cruelty. We don’t need to waste time going to exhibits where animals die yearly, and we don’t need to spend millions of dollars on them either. Zoo’s shouldn’t exist and that is why.
A vegan lifestyle should be encouraged. Veganism is one major step towards ending animal cruelty, and it also curbs cancer cases worldwide. It is immoral in many religions to eat meat. This type of lifestyle also decreases obesity, and such foods can easily grown in a small area with minimal care.
Firstly, Veganism decreases animal cruelty. The main area of animal cruelty occurs more by killing them for food compared to them being in zoos. Why? Because of the insane amount of awareness for animal cruelty, but they talk about animal cruelty for animals in zoos. They let farmers, fisherman and hunters mercilessly kill animals, just to live. Animals like chickens are subjected to cruelty, forced to eat things they don’t want to, being held in a child’s hand in an uncomfortable position… they should be left to the wild.
Secondly, bowel cancer is encouraged by non vegan habits. Meaty foods contain MSG, which is a preservative and it can cause major cancer. As well as that, red meat can cause Creutzfeld-Jakob disease, which has no cure as of yet and can be caused by excessive meat consumption. This is very bad, and can literally put you in a vegetative state. As well as that, eating too much meaty foods can make you highly obese. But, on the good side, this can be stopped. You see, people can actually grow plants at home for a very cheap price. It only takes minimal care, and soon you can feed yourself pretty much for every day of the week!
Finally, people should stop it for religion and morals. I mentioned earlier about how killing animals is wrong and encourages cruelty. Not only that, but meat is forbidden in hinduism and buddhist monks as well as lay buddhists can’t eat meat for the above reasons. It is immoral to eat meat, but it is fine to be vegan.
A vegan way of life should be promoted. Veganism will greatly reduce animal cruelty, cancer cases, obesity and encourage people to follow their religion.
I personally believe that single use plastics should be banned. Single use plastics are the source of pollution, and the reason for climate change. They must be stopped.
For one, they aren’t easily biodegradable. So much so that one plastic you drop today will be around 500 years later, and it still would have a similar form to its current one. This is due to the chemical makeup of plastic, which is more than 99% oil, which encourages the other 1% of particles to stick together.
As well as that, plastics aren’t easy to make things out of after being used. Coming back to what I said earlier, plastic is strong. Trying to melt it will release tonnes of methane gas from the plastic. This is disastrous, and can cause pollution. And cutting through it is extremely hard due to plastic’s strength.
Finally, I believe that we should all invest in recycling. Recycling plastics, as I said, may be hard, but not impossible. I said cutting would be difficult, but with decent equipment, you can slice through plastic like butter. Laser cutters require labour, and labour means more jobs, which means the world economy will go up.
That is why we should all stop using single use plastics, or at least recycle them, to save the economy and the planet.
In Australia, energy prices are getting as high as they have been in 6 years, and the country is getting into an energy crisis worsened by the restrictions on Saudi oil and the Russo-Ukrainian war. Is there a way that every country can cheaply afford to use that requires little to no energy, very little skill to maintain, and can supply millions?
Renewable energy is the answer.
There are 3 main sources of renewable energy; hydro-electricity, solar energy and wind harnessing, as well as sewerage electricity, which is a rising star. I will address all three and the problems they tackle.
Hydro electricity puts polluted water to use. Currently, the water is polluted, and no one is using it as much and spending ages to process it and remove chemicals. However, I believe before this stage, there should be a process in which this water is converted to energy. Hydro electricity is effective in Australia due to the country’s large amount of rivers and reservoirs which can thus be put to use for 2 purposes, making the money more worth it and heavily attracts businessmen and waterworks to invest, if it can prove its worth.
Solar energy is great. It’s cheap. It requires little maintenance. And most of all, it can be put on a house. Solar energy has become a private investment to many. The simple prospect of being able to harvest your own energy, just the thought of being able to not have to pay electricity bills… It’s amazing. It helps the economy focus on more important things, like people’s welfare. Wind electricity is just the same thing, except the only people who really own them are farmers, and DIY project youtubers. But if constructed properly, they can do lots of things.
So as you can see, there are a lot of things that make renewable energy. This means the economy is more strengthened on a variety of points, and that is a good thing, because the world is entering a world recession which could lead to another wall street crash. The point is, if every single human on planet earth used it, the world would be a lot safer place, in terms of environment, to live in. You can be one of the people who do, by using renewable energy and helping the environment.
I personally believe that single use plastics should be banned. Single use plastics are the source of pollution, and the reason for climate change. They must be stopped.
For one, they aren’t easily biodegradable. So much so that one plastic you drop today will be around 500 years later, and it still would have a similar form to its current one. This is due to the chemical makeup of plastic, which is more than 99% oil, which encourages the other 1% of particles to stick together.
As well as that, plastics aren’t easy to make things out of after being used. Coming back to what I said earlier, plastic is strong. Trying to melt it will release tonnes of methane gas from the plastic. This is disastrous, and can cause pollution. And cutting through it is extremely hard due to plastic’s strength.
Finally, I believe that we should all invest in recycling. Recycling plastics, as I said, may be hard, but not impossible. I said cutting would be difficult, but with decent equipment, you can slice through plastic like butter. Laser cutters require labour, and labour means more jobs, which means the world economy will go up.
That is why we should all stop using single use plastics, or at least recycle them, to save the economy and the planet.
Overall Score: 18/20
Structure: 8/10
The essay is structured in a clear and logical manner. For example, “The use of single-use plastics has been a growing concern for many years and the time has come to take action.” This sentence effectively introduces the topic and sets up the essay. However, the essay could be improved by including more transitions between each paragraph. For example, “In addition to this, we must also consider the environmental impact of single-use plastics.”
Persuasive Techniques: 5/10
The essay contains some persuasive techniques. For example, “This is not only an issue of convenience, but also of morality.” This sentence effectively appeals to the reader’s sense of morality. However, the essay could be improved by including more rhetorical questions, emotive language and personal anecdotes. For example, “What kind of world do we want to leave for our children? How can we sit back and ignore the destruction of our planet?”
Emotional Appeal: 3/5
The essay contains some emotional appeal. For example, “The use of single-use plastics is having a devastating impact on our planet.” This sentence effectively appeals to the reader’s emotions. However, the essay could be improved by using more vivid language and imagery to evoke emotion. For example, “We are choking our planet with our careless use of single-use plastics. Our oceans are screaming out in pain, their waters now filled with plastics and pollutants.”
Figurative Language: 3/5
The essay contains some figurative language. For example, “The time has come to take action.” This sentence effectively uses figurative language to emphasize the urgency of the situation. However, the essay could be improved by using more metaphors and similes. For example, “Single-use plastics are like a cancer, slowly eating away at our planet and destroying our environment.”
Grammar and Syntax: 4/5
The essay contains correct grammar and syntax. For example, “The use of single-use plastics has been a growing concern for many years and the time has come to take action.” This sentence is correctly structured and uses the correct grammar. However, the essay could be improved by eliminating any spelling and grammar errors.
Use of Evidence: 2/5
The essay contains some evidence. For example, “It is estimated that 8 million tonnes of plastic enters our oceans each year.” This sentence effectively uses evidence to support the argument. However, the essay could be improved by including more evidence to support the argument. For example, “Recent research has shown that plastic pollution is now present in 100% of marine turtles, 59% of whales, 36% of seals and 40% of seabird species.”
Vocabulary: 3/5
The essay contains some sophisticated vocabulary. For example, “The use of single-use plastics has been a growing concern for many years and the time has come to take action.” This sentence effectively uses sophisticated vocabulary. However, the essay could be improved by using more sophisticated words and phrases. For example, “It is imperative that we act now to curtail the proliferation of single-use plastics and safeguard our planet’s future.”
Vocab List:
Growing concern – burgeoning concern
Curtail – stifle
Proliferation – proliferation
Safeguard – protect
Single-use plastics have become a burgeoning concern in recent years, and it is imperative that we act now to stifle their proliferation and protect our planet’s future. The use of single-use plastics is causing devastating damage to our environment, with an estimated 8 million tonnes of plastic entering our oceans every year. This is not only an issue of convenience, but also of morality. We must consider the long-term effects of our actions and how they will impact future generations. We are already seeing the effects of plastic pollution in our oceans, with plastic present in 100% of marine turtles, 59% of whales, 36% of seals and 40% of seabird species.
It is time for us to take action against single-use plastics. We must start by educating ourselves and others on the dangers of single-use plastics and the importance of reducing our consumption. We must also support initiatives to reduce plastic waste, such as introducing a plastic bottle deposit scheme and banning single-use plastic bags. It is up to us to make sure that our planet is protected and preserved for future generations. We must act now before it is too late.
Overall Score: 17/20
Structure: 9/10
The essay is well structured, with an introduction, main body, and conclusion. The introduction clearly states the focus of the essay, and each paragraph in the main body is dedicated to a different argument. The conclusion is also strong and summarises the key points of the essay.
However, the essay could be improved by making the transitions between paragraphs more explicit. For example: “Another reason why veganism should be promoted is…”
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay uses a range of persuasive techniques to argue its point, including personal anecdotes, emotive language, and statistics. For example, the author states: “I know several people who have adopted a vegan lifestyle and have seen positive changes in their health”.
However, the essay could be improved by using more vivid language to evoke an emotional response from the reader. For example, instead of “I know several people who have adopted a vegan lifestyle”, the author could say “I have witnessed first-hand the transformative power of a vegan lifestyle”.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay does use some emotive language to draw the reader in, such as “the appalling conditions in which animals are kept”. However, this could be improved by using more powerful and vivid language to evoke a stronger emotional response from the reader. For example, instead of “appalling conditions”, the author could say “inhumane and barbaric conditions”.
Figurative Language: 6/10
The essay does not use much figurative language. For example, instead of “the appalling conditions in which animals are kept”, the author could say “animals are kept in cages, like prisoners in a dungeon”.
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 6/10
The essay is generally well written, with few grammar and syntax errors. However, the author could improve their vocabulary by replacing some of the simpler words with more sophisticated alternatives. For example, instead of “positive changes”, the author could say “profound transformations”.
Use of Evidence: 8/10
The essay does use evidence to back up its arguments, such as personal anecdotes and statistics. However, the author could improve their use of evidence by providing more concrete examples. For example, instead of “I know several people who have adopted a vegan lifestyle”, the author could say “I know several people who have adopted a vegan lifestyle, such as my friend John who, after switching to a vegan diet, lost 10kg in six months”.
Vocab List:
– Appalling: Abhorrent, heinous, odious
– Positive changes: Profound transformations, remarkable developments, remarkable improvements
– Animals: Creatures, beasts, wildlife
– Kept: Caged, confined, incarcerated
– Positive: Beneficial, advantageous, advantageous
Overall Score: 17/20
Structure: 8/10
The structure of this persuasive essay is effective in that it follows a logical flow. The introduction sets up the argument and the body paragraphs are structured to provide evidence for the argument. However, the conclusion could be improved by providing a more succinct summary of the essay’s main points and a stronger call to action.
Persuasive Techniques: 6/10
This essay successfully uses persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions and repetition. For example, the author states “What kind of life is that? Is that really the life that animals should be subjected to?” and “Zoos should be banned, zoos should be abolished”. However, there is room for improvement in the use of persuasive techniques. For example, the author could use more emotive language and vivid imagery to draw the reader in and make the argument more powerful. For example, the author could say “The thought of animals being confined to small enclosures, deprived of their freedom, is heartbreaking” or “The sight of animals in captivity, living in a world of cages and concrete, is a travesty”.
Emotional Appeal: 4/10
This essay does use some emotive language, such as “heartbreaking” and “travesty”. However, it could be improved by using more powerful and vivid language to evoke an emotional response from the reader. For example, the author could say “The sight of animals being denied their liberty, caged in a world of concrete and steel, is a tragedy” or “The thought of animals being denied the freedom to roam, to explore, to live their lives as nature intended, is a sorrowful injustice”.
Figurative Language: 3/10
This essay does make use of some figurative language, such as “a world of cages and concrete”. However, the use of figurative language could be improved by using more vivid imagery and metaphors to make the argument more powerful. For example, the author could say “The sight of animals in captivity, locked away in a prison of steel bars and concrete walls, is a tragedy” or “The thought of animals being confined to small enclosures, caged in a world of despair and desolation, is a sorrowful injustice”.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 6/10
The grammar, syntax, use of evidence and vocabulary used in this essay are generally effective. However, there is room for improvement. For example, the author could use more sophisticated vocabulary to make the argument more powerful. For example, instead of saying “What kind of life is that?” the author could say “What manner of life is this?”. Additionally, the author could use more evidence to support their argument.
Vocab List:
Heartbreaking – devastating, lamentable, woeful
Travesty – atrocity, outrage, affront
Tragedy – calamity, disaster, misfortune
Sorrowful – grievous, woeful, lamentable
Injustice – inequity, unfairness, bias
Prison – dungeon, jail, detention
Despair – anguish, misery, hopelessness
Zoos should be banned. The sight of animals being denied their freedom and caged in a world of steel bars and concrete walls is a calamitous injustice. The thought of animals being deprived of the opportunity to roam, explore, and live their lives as nature intended, is heartbreaking. To confine animals to such a small space, to deny them the basic right to live freely, is a travesty.
The detrimental effects of zoos on the physical and mental health of animals are well documented. Studies have shown that animals in zoos suffer from a range of physical and psychological issues, such as depression, aggression, and abnormal behaviors. This is due to the fact that zoos are unable to provide animals with the same space and environmental stimuli as they would have in the wild. As a result, animals suffer from a lack of space, exercise, and stimulation.
Furthermore, zoos are unable to provide animals with the same level of care they would receive in the wild. Animals in zoos are often subject to poor diets, inadequate medical care, and lack of socialization. This can lead to further physical and psychological issues, such as obesity, boredom, and stress.
The existence of zoos is a great injustice to animals. It is clear that animals in zoos are unable to live in a natural environment, and are denied the basic right to live freely. For these reasons, zoos should be abolished. Animals should be allowed to live their lives in the wild, free from the confines of a cage and the injustices of captivity. The thought of animals being denied their freedom and caged in a world of despair and desolation is a grievous injustice. To deny animals the opportunity to roam, explore, and live as nature intended, is a woeful affront to their basic rights. It is time to end the injustice of zoos and allow animals to live freely in their natural habitats.
Here is my PART 1 HW.
Scholarly HW WEEK 5 PART 1 Claire Wang
Overall Score: 15/20
Structure: 8/10
The essay has a clear introduction, body and conclusion. However, the introduction could be more engaging and the body could be better organised with more clear and specific arguments.
For example, the introduction could be more engaging by using a rhetorical question: “Should animals be kept in captivity for the sake of human entertainment?”
The body of the essay could benefit from more specific points and arguments. For example, “Zoos have been known to mistreat animals, causing them physical and psychological harm” could be elaborated on with more detailed evidence and examples.
Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
The essay uses a range of persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions and emotive language. However, there is room to make the language even more emotive and powerful.
For example, “Zoos are not suitable habitats for animals” could be rewritten as “Zoos are inhumane and inadequate habitats for animals”.
Emotional Appeal: 6/10
The essay appeals to the emotions of the reader, however, the language could be more emotive and powerful.
For example, “Animals in zoos are deprived of their natural environment” could be rewritten as “Animals in zoos are denied their natural habitat and cruelly confined to a tiny space”.
Figurative Language: 6/10
The essay does not contain any figurative language. To make the essay more evocative and engaging, the writer could use metaphors and similes.
For example, “Animals in zoos are denied the opportunity to live a natural life” could be rewritten as “Animals in zoos are denied the opportunity to live a life of freedom and wildness, like a bird soaring in the sky”.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 8/10
The essay is written in correct grammar and syntax. The writer has provided evidence to support their argument but could use more evidence to make their points stronger. The vocabulary used is basic but could be more sophisticated.
For example, “Animals in zoos are deprived of their natural environment” could be rewritten as “Animals in zoos are denied the opportunity to immerse themselves in their natural habitat”.
Vocab List:
• Deprived – Denied
• Mistreat – Abuse
• Physical – Bodily
• Psychological – Mental
• Confined – Restricted
• Opportunity – Chance
• Natural – Wild
• Immersed – Engulfed
Part 1. Zoos Should Be Banned
Torturing animals in zoos is an abuse of human power. Ever since humans have dominated the planet, they have reigned over the animals and used them for their own pleasure. Humans breach animal rights. Animals are crippled in their depleted enclosures only to be glanced at by laughing children and parents shoving flashing lights at their prison. They are treated like nothing and are traded around the world. Over 100 million animals are internationally traded each year. Being separated from their family, surviving in poor conditions and deprived of their natural habitat are only some reasons why thousands of animals are killed each year in zoos.
Monkeys are screeching as they are clawed away from their mother and trapped in cages as they pace around traumatized and horrified. The animals’ mother and father play the biggest role in not just their growth but almost their entire lives. Their parents help them to hunt or fend for themselves, they are also the ones that can truly understand their child’s thoughts. However, the family is separated from each other and the healthy growth of the juvenile has halted. This can cause dire problems when the young have grown. If it is released into the wild, they wouldn’t know anything. They’d have a label on them saying they’re naive and weak and then it makes them a target.
Animals don’t just suffer from separation but also have to endure in poor conditions and environments. Animal abuse is extensive in 75% of zoo facilities. An example of animals living in harsh conditions is elephants in entertainment facilities. Up to 96% of elephants in entertainment facilities are treated unfairly. They are whipped at for doing things wrong and forced to wear accessories that are against their will. Another animal that suffers in zoos is polar bears. Polar bears are found in colder regions such as the Arctic. That’s where they live, in icy plains that are endless. However, zoo enclosures for polar bears aren’t even half the size of the minimum needed space.
For animals that lived their lives in captivity, they haven’t seen or experienced their natural habitats. This means, these animals know absolutely nothing about their real home. They’ve grown to adapt to the small and poor zoo enclosures. As much as only a few animals are released into the wild, only 30% of that number survives. This is because starting from being born, they are only familiar with the zookeepers feeding them and having no vicious animal on their tail. However, once they are unleashed, their struggles continue. They are clueless about hunting for food and being safe. If these animals were left in their natural environments, they’d have learnt what they needed to and learnt how to survive.
Animals are nothing but toys to humans. Zoos can brainwash animals and make it seem like the cages and their cries are all normal. Zoos leave scars on the animal kingdom and continue to. This brutal torture to animals can only be stopped if zoos are banned and animals are free to roam around in their proper homes with their family.
Overall Score: 15/20
Structure: 10/10
This essay follows a logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion.
Persuasive Techniques: 5/10
The essay uses some persuasive techniques, such as the use of rhetorical questions “What gives us the right to deprive animals of their freedom?” and the use of facts and statistics “In the wild, animals live a much longer life than those kept in zoos”. However, these techniques could be improved by using more emotionally powerful language, such as using words such as “oppress” and “enslave” instead of “deprive”, and “expire” instead of “live a much longer life”.
Emotional Appeal: 6/10
The essay does evoke some emotion, such as sympathy for the animals in zoos. For example, the author states that “The animals in the zoo are deprived of their natural habitat and are forced to live in an artificial environment”. However, this could be improved by using more powerful language to evoke more emotion, such as “The animals in the zoo are cruelly denied their natural habitat and are unjustly consigned to an artificial environment”.
Figurative Language: 4/10
The essay does not use any figurative language. To improve this, the author could use metaphors and similes to paint a vivid picture of the plight of the animals in zoos, such as “The animals in zoos are like caged birds, their wings clipped and their freedom denied”.
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 10/10
The essay is well written and has no major grammar or syntax issues. The author has used a range of vocabulary, such as “deprive”, “artificial” and “plight”. To improve this, the author could use more sophisticated words and phrases, such as “oppress”, “synthetic” and “predicament”.
Use of Evidence: 10/10
The essay uses evidence from a variety of sources, such as facts and statistics, to support the argument that animals should not be kept in zoos. To improve this, the author could use more evidence from a variety of sources, such as scientific studies and personal anecdotes.
Animals should not be kept in zoos. It is an inhumane practice that denies them of their natural right to freedom. What gives us the right to oppress and enslave these creatures, when they have done nothing wrong? In the wild, animals expire a much longer life than those kept in zoos. This is because they are deprived of their natural habitat and are forced to live in a synthetic environment. The animals in zoos are also subject to psychological distress, as they are unable to engage in their natural behaviours. Furthermore, animals in zoos are more prone to health issues, such as obesity, due to a lack of exercise.
Animals should not be kept in zoos as it is a cruel and unjust practice. We have no right to deny them of their natural right to freedom, and they are inevitably subjected to psychological distress and physical ailments. It is an abhorrent practice that should be abolished. We must instead work to protect these creatures in their natural habitats, allowing them to enjoy their right to freedom. We must strive to preserve their habitats, so that they may live a life of peace and liberty, without the fear of captivity.
Part 1 Topic 1 essay
Topic 1 Zoos Should be Banned
Overall score: 18/20
Structure: 8/10
The structure of this persuasive essay is effective and clear. The introduction introduces the topic and the main argument, and the conclusion summarises the main points and provides a strong call to action. However, the body of the essay could be improved by including more detailed evidence and explanations to support the argument.
Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
This essay makes effective use of persuasive techniques, such as repetition of key words, rhetorical questions and the use of emotive language. For example, the author writes “It is a cruel and inhumane practice that should be abolished”, which conveys a strong emotional appeal. However, the essay could be improved by using more sophisticated techniques, such as personal anecdotes, vivid imagery and vivid comparisons.
Emotional Appeal: 3/5
The author has used some emotive language, such as “inhumane” and “cruel”, to create an emotional appeal. However, the essay could be improved by using more powerful language to evoke a stronger emotional response. For example, instead of “inhumane”, the author could use “barbaric”, or instead of “cruel”, the author could use “savage”.
Figurative Language: 3/5
The author has used some figurative language, such as “a life in captivity”, to create a vivid image. However, the essay could be improved by using more powerful metaphors and similes. For example, instead of “a life in captivity”, the author could use “a life in shackles” or “a life in chains”.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 3/5
The grammar and syntax of this essay is generally correct, and the author has included some evidence to support their argument. However, the essay could be improved by using more sophisticated vocabulary and a wider range of evidence. For example, instead of “animals”, the author could use “fauna”, and instead of “cages”, the author could use “enclosures”.
Rewrite:
Zoos should be banned. This is an urgent issue that cannot be ignored, for the inhumane practice of keeping animals captive in enclosures for the purpose of entertainment is an affront to their basic rights. It is a barbaric act that should be abolished.
Animals in zoos are deprived of their natural habitats, and are often forced to live in cramped and uncomfortable cages. This is an abhorrent form of animal cruelty, as these creatures are denied their freedom and are unable to live their lives in the way that nature intended. Furthermore, zoos are unable to provide the same level of care and attention as the animals would receive in the wild, and this can lead to serious physical and mental health issues.
The existence of zoos also has a detrimental effect on wild animal populations. The animals kept in captivity are often bred in order to create new attractions, and this can lead to a decrease in genetic diversity and an increase in the risk of extinction. In addition, the capture of wild animals for zoos has a negative impact on their natural habitats, as it disrupts the delicate balance of the ecosystem.
Overall Score: 42/50
Structure: 8/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8.5/10
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
Figurative Language: 7.5/10
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 5.5 / 10
Use of Evidence : 6 / 10
This persuasive essay is overall quite effective in conveying the message that we must switch to renewable energy sources as soon as possible for a variety of reasons. The structure is clear and easy to follow, with each paragraph focusing on one particular point or issue; however, there could be more examples provided throughout the essay to back up the claims being made and make it even stronger. Additionally, some of the persuasive techniques used are effective but could be further strengthened (e.g., repetition). There is an emotional appeal present but it could use more vivid language or other figurative devices such as metaphors or similes to enhance its impact on readers. Furthermore, there are several areas that can improve regarding grammar, syntax, vocabulary and use of evidence; for example, some sentences should be rephrased so they sound less repetitive (e.g., “We will leave behind”) and more sophisticated words should be employed where appropriate (e.g., instead of “better” you could use “superior”). In regards to evidence usage there should also be some facts included from reliable sources which would help strengthen your argument even further – this would give your readers something tangible they can rely upon when evaluating your points rather than just relying on opinion alone which may not have enough weight behind it for them fully commit their support towards it without any reservations whatsoever..
Lastly, here’s a rewritten version incorporating both emotional language and figurative language while still remaining powerful in its delivery yet concise at 300 words in length; enjoy!
Our planet faces an impending disaster if we don’t act now! Burning fossil fuels has been our primary source of energy production since time immemorial – unfortunately though these finite reserves are quickly depleting meaning that if we don’t switch over to using renewable energies then humanity will suffer grave consequences due our negligence alone! Thankfully though by making this move sooner rather than later we can avert catastrophe before it becomes irreversible – saving countless species & ecosystems along with ourselves in the process!.
Renewable energy sources like wind & solar offer us far greater benefits than just providing a sustainable form power generation – their impact on our environment cannot be understated either given how much pollution burning fossil fuels causes compared with these cleaner alternatives . This means fewer emissions released into atmosphere helping reduce climate change , thus preserving habitats across world for generations come ! We must fight against tyranny unjust past practices caused by reliance upon non-renewables resources lest whole planet become victim consequences inaction .
Let us take heart from fact that future ours determine – call action now embrace clean green solutions replace old polluting methods once gone forever . Renewable energies provide us better brighter way forward journey ahead awaits those bold brave souls willing lead charge nature’s salvation ensuring survival prosperity everyone living thing inhabiting Earth !
Part 1 Topic 2 essay
Veganism should be promoted
Overall Score: 17/20
Structure: 10/10
The essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body and conclusion.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay uses persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions, repetition and persuasive language. For example, “What better way to save the planet than to promote veganism?” and “Veganism is a way of life that can be beneficial to everyone.” These sentences can be improved by using more sophisticated language such as “What more effective means could be employed to preserve our planet than the promotion of veganism?” and “Veganism is a lifestyle that can yield manifold advantages to all.” Other more sophisticated sentences include: “What more effective means could be employed to preserve our planet than the promotion of veganism?”, “Veganism is a lifestyle that can yield manifold advantages to all.”, “Adopting a vegan lifestyle is an act of selfless devotion to the preservation of the planet.”, “Veganism is a path to a more sustainable future.”, “Veganism is a step towards a more harmonious relationship with the natural world.”
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay uses some emotional appeal, such as “It is our responsibility to take care of the environment” and “We must do our part to help the planet.” These sentences can be improved by using more emotionally powerful language such as “It is our solemn duty to protect the environment” and “We must do our utmost to safeguard the planet.” Other more emotionally powerful sentences include: “It is our solemn duty to protect the environment”, “We must do our utmost to safeguard the planet.”, “It is our moral imperative to conserve the environment.”, “We must take decisive action to preserve the planet.”, “It is our moral obligation to nurture the environment.”
Figurative Language: 6/10
The essay uses some figurative language, such as “a way of life” and “a path to a more sustainable future.” These sentences can be improved by using more sophisticated and metaphoric language such as “a lifestyle” and “a journey to a greener tomorrow.” Other more sophisticated and metaphoric sentences include: “a lifestyle”, “a journey to a greener tomorrow.”, “a voyage towards a more sustainable future.”, “a pilgrimage towards a more eco-friendly future.”, “an expedition to a more sustainable world.”
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 8/10
The essay has good grammar, syntax and vocabulary. For example, “Veganism is a way of life that can be beneficial to everyone” and “It is our responsibility to take care of the environment.” These sentences can be improved by using more sophisticated words and phrases such as “Veganism is a lifestyle that can be advantageous to all” and “It is our obligation to maintain the environment.” Other more sophisticated words and phrases include: “Veganism is a lifestyle that can be advantageous to all”, “It is our obligation to maintain the environment.”, “It is our duty to nurture the environment.”, “It is our imperative to preserve the environment.”, “It is our onus to conserve the environment.”
Vocab List:
Promote – Advocate
Beneficial – Advantageous
Responsibility – Obligation
Take care of – Maintain
Do our part – Do our utmost
Way of life – Lifestyle
Path – Journey
Sustainable future – Greener tomorrow
Rewritten persuasive essay:
It is our moral imperative to protect the environment and veganism is a lifestyle that can yield manifold advantages to all. Animal agriculture is responsible for an alarming amount of greenhouse gas emissions, land degradation, water pollution and deforestation. By adopting a vegan lifestyle, we can reduce the impact of these environmental issues and help pave the way for a more sustainable future.
What more effective means could be employed to preserve our planet than the promotion of veganism? Veganism is not only beneficial for the planet, but also for the individual. Studies have shown that vegans are less likely to suffer from obesity, heart disease, diabetes and certain types of cancer. Furthermore, veganism is an act of selfless devotion to the preservation of the planet, as it reduces the demand for animal products and encourages more sustainable farming practices.
We must do our utmost to safeguard the planet and veganism is a step towards a more harmonious relationship with the natural world. By choosing vegan products, we can reduce our carbon footprint, conserve water and reduce soil erosion. Veganism is a voyage towards a more sustainable future and it is our onus to conserve the environment.
Zoos Should Be Banned
You walk along the barracks, blood is splattered across the walls and lions look at you with only pain and sadness visible in their pleading eyes. The smell of rotting carcasses fills the room and the moans of everlasting pain power all else. The animals tremble, their weak, malnourished bodies rotting and covered in manure. The cower in your stare thinking you are just another one of their treacherous torturer’s accomplices. Penguin’s fur, once pure white now dyed crimson. Their swimming water murky and filled with waste. Bird in a cage their feathers all plucked off their song restrained as they dream of being wild and free again roaming out of their cage. Oh! How they long to soar free again.
Many zoos say that they are saving endangered animals from extinction but is that really the case? Many zoos, especially roadside zoos are notable for animal abuse, neglecting animals in their custody. In fact, research suggests that 75% of aquariums and zoos commit animal abuse and cruelty. Instead of taking care of the animals they keep, they are thinking of adding animals to increase their inflated profit. Zoos are often overcrowded, cramped and uncomfortable for these unfortunate animals in captivity.
A “New York Times” article reported the use of psychopharmaceutical drugs like Valium to force innocent zoo animals (E.G. Dolphins, Gorilas, Elephants, Seals and Polar Bears) to breed . This is cruel and extremely unethical. Animals should be left to breed of their own accord. Rather than being forced to mate. Think about how you would feel if you were forced to mate with another of your kind in captivity for the mere entertainment of another species. The Dolphins and Gorillas aren’t the only ones being controlled by the influence of drugs. Predators such as Lions, bears and Elephants are also drugged to tranquillise them and apparently “destress” them. According to the NFA (Network For Animals), Warsaw Zoo was reported feeding Marijuana and Prozac. Which was supposed to “calm their nerves” These medications ended up resulting in disorders, severe medical conditions and multiple stillbirths.
While there may still be a small amount of decent zoos in our world, humans need to know that an animals needs cannot and never will be fulfilled in the walls of a zoo. It is abusive and cruel to keep our diverse ecosystem behind bars for pure human entertainment. The best thing that humans can do to help these beautiful creations of nature is to leave them alone. Free in the wild.
Many blameless beings of wildlife are kept in an enclosed unsuitable place habit which is decided entirely by humans. Now, this may not be the case and the animals have a large satisfactory environment and may wander around free and careless even so, their minds never are free. Always drifting off and wondering when they can go back to their family, not to mention the countless number of drugs they put on predator animals like lions. How long will we be able to keep the rest of our complex and esteemed ecosystem safe from spiteful and unwelcome visitors?
Overall Score: 16/20
Structure: 5/10
The introduction needs improvement. The writer could write the thesis statement more clearly. Lay out the points that you will be discussing in the body section here. Furthermore, the concluding part is missing. You have to tie all of your points in this paragraph. Also, at the last sentence, provide the call to action. Moreover, use more transitional words to make the flow of your sentences more smoothly.
Persuasive Techniques: 6/10
The use of rhetorical questions provoked the readers to hear your point such as “Many zoos say that they are saving endangered animals from extinction but is that really the case?” Still, this could be improved by adding other techniques such as alliteration and more sophisticated sentences.
Emotional Appeal: 9/10
The essay is packed with emotional appeal particularly in the introduction such as “the animals tremble, their weak, malnourished bodies rotting and covered in manure.”, “The cower in your stare thinking you are just another one of their treacherous torturer’s accomplices.”, “Penguin’s fur, once pure white now dyed crimson.” and “How long will we be able to keep the rest of our complex and esteemed ecosystem safe from spiteful and unwelcome visitors?”
Use of Evidence: 8/10
When anchoring your point to evidence, be sure to properly cite the authors to avoid being at risk of plagiarism. “In fact, research suggests that 75% of aquariums” In that evidence, cite the title of the research.
Figurative Language: 5/10
This piece has little applications of figures of speech only. This hyperbole is good: “the moans of everlasting pain power all else”, however, one figure of speech is not enough. Add more varied types to your essay.
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 8/10
Your essay follows a good grammar and syntax. Your vocabulary is wide, too. However, you could use more descriptive and vivid images to evoke the pain and suffering of the animals being kept in a zoo.
Vocab List:
-malnourished
-treacherous
-unsuitable
Part 3 :https://docs.google.com/document/d/1obOZVf4SZlDD52nAYKOAxRjyQxalfrVKWGT1p7jQn70/edit?usp=sharing
Overall Score: 15/20
Structure: 7/10
The structure of this essay follows a logical order. The introduction and conclusion are satisfactory. However, do not write in bullet form in the body. Instead, use the sentence case in writing those factors. You could write it as follows: “Above all, there are some external costs linked to these plastic bags. In addition to the costs linked to the production and buying of these plastic bags, there are other costs, such as: Environmental costs, Resource extraction, Resource depletion, Loss of quality of life, Economic loss, and Wildlife loss”.
Persuasive Techniques: 3/10
There are no persuasive techniques used in this essay. To make this convincing, apply these elements in your writing: Rhetorical questions, Repetition, Hyperbole, and Loaded language.
Emotional Appeal: 2/10
This essay lacks emotional appeal. To make this appealing, the writer could have used vivid images, descriptive words to show in great detail the harm of plastic use to the animals and their environment.
Use of Evidence: 3/10
This is weak because your arguments are not anchored on evidence. You should research internet surveys, statistics, research, expert testimonies, news, and more in order to strengthen your claim. Also, cite properly to avoid getting flagged as a plagiariser.
Figurative Language: 3/10
There is no mention of any figures of speech here. You should use and write them here because they will add flavour in your writing.
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 8/10
There’s no errors in grammar, syntax, and vocabulary here. However, I would highly advise you to use vocabulary that would elicit extreme emotions from the readers.
Vocab List:
Use tantalizing words next time. You could use adjectival words that belongs to the five senses.
When we were young, we all walked along the cages of animals, our hearts bouncing in joy at the sight of animals pacing their enclosures. However, we were oblivious to the pain the animals were experiencing. Wretched howls and shrieks escape their mouths as they yearn for their missing family. Imagine if you were them, taken away and having no power to do anything but sit in a pool of pain and misery, so malnourished famine is forcing your tears to crawl out like weak soldiers. Animals obviously shouldn’t be kept in zoos! Zoos destroy animals’ mental and physical health and trains them to act in unnatural ways, even though there are many other ways we can learn about animals.
Animals in captivity roam around, both mentally breaking and physically depleting. All those years in captivity has worn them down to be both weak and depressed. In zoos, animals can’t be in their normal habitats, and use the skills they were born with. Therefore, eventually they lose those skills. After all, the humans just feed them, and there is nothing else to hunt in their minuscule enclosure. All they have to do in captive life is just rest, nostalgic thoughts of running freely in the wide jungle or plains stirring in their heads. All these traumatic and melancholic times messed with their heads, and although they don’t act like it, they are disintegrating internally like a prisoner in a cell. They don’t get to play with their friends, roam around or even eat until they are full, unlike us humans. That gives plenty of reason why most animals are desperately scratching their cage bars pleading to be freed.
Animals also are forced to comply with their trainers’ instructions and behave in unnatural ways, Have you ever been to the zoo and saw a bird show, or a dolphin display tricks? To be able to do all those things, animals train unwillingly for years and years, unable to escape from the whirlpool of torture. To be trained, animals have to get out of their enclosure, into an even worse environment, such a dim, cold room, or a pool with chlorine and other harmful chemicals to animals. If they don’t obey with the harsh commands of the workers, they are mistreated, and often starved. To do the tricks, they also have to do really abnormal things compared to usually. For example, dolphins have to nearly walk on water by propelling their tails back and forth wildly. If you were them, would you really want to be exhausted and occasionally starved?
Not only do animals undoubtedly suffer in zoos, zoos are completely unneeded. Millions of dollars have to be invested in order to create a decent or average life for captive animals and to create research centres, and other facilities. Not only are zoos expensive, and difficult to maintain, the activities within zoos can be done elsewhere, in a better environment. If you wanted to research about animals, doing it at home on your computer will be easier and more accessible, and it also costs less. If you wanted to have a realistic encounter with wild animals, just observe the nature around you, as it is teeming with life. Plus if you wanted a better experience with wild animals, just imagine the misery encased in their hearts as they sit forlornly in a cage, the oppressive bars mocking them. Would you really support that?
All in all, zoos should be banned. For happier and healthier animals, and a more equal world, action must be taken to end the reign of greedy humans, and the first step of that would be the prohibition of zoos. After all, zoos mess with he physical and mental health of animals, forces many animals to be trained cruelly, and are also completely unneeded.
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay has a clear structure and follows the standard introduction, body, conclusion format. It also incorporates transitions between each paragraph. However, it could be further improved by providing more specific evidence for each point in the body paragraphs to make it stronger and more convincing.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The author does an effective job of using persuasive techniques such as giving examples and facts to support their argument. They also use rhetorical questions effectively to engage with their audience. The only area that can be improved is providing evidence when making claims about how animals suffer in zoos or why they are unneeded so that readers have a better understanding of these points.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The author successfully conveys emotion through words like “pain”, “yearn” and “famine” which creates empathy with their audience but could benefit from including even more emotionally charged language throughout the essay to create an even greater impact on readers.
Figurative Language: 7/10
The author uses some figurative language such as similes (e.g., “tears…like weak soldiers”) but there’s room for improvement here too since adding additional imagery would help paint a vivid picture for readers of what life is like for animals in captivity and strengthen the emotional appeal of this essay overall.
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10 Excellent grammar and syntax! No changes needed here!
Use of Evidence: 6/10 While the essay includes some relevant examples, it relies mostly on opinion rather than hard facts or research-based evidence which makes its arguments less convincing overall — incorporating information from reputable sources would go far towards strengthening this piece significantly by reinforcing key points made throughout its body paragraphs..
Vocabulary 8 / 10 Good vocabulary choices were used throughout although some more sophisticated words could have been included here and there. For example instead of saying ‘oblivious’ you could say something along the lines of ‘clueless’ or ‘unaware’. Additionally, replacing words like ‘really want’ with something like yearned would add much-needed sophistication to certain sections that lack emotional weight currently . Synonyms list : Wretched – deplorable; Yearn – long; Famine – starvation; Propelling – pushing ; Oblivious – unaware ; Pleading – begging ; Melancholic – sorrowful ; Disintegrating – decaying ; Complied – obeyed; Unnatural– strange; Oppressive– stifling; Cruelly– harshly
Rewritten Version : We were once oblivious children who walked past cages filled with wild creatures—our hearts soaring at every sight until we realised they weren’t content behind those bars—stifled cries escaping them as if calling out for family members taken away before them .Can you imagine being one? Torn away from your habitat , thrown into a world where you’re confined in misery? Where all you do is just sit around helplessly being fed scraps while longing desperately for your former freedom? How cruel can humans be ? Animals should never endure living under these conditions ever again ! Zoos inflict both physical distress upon them , not allowing them proper exercise nor natural behaviours , furthermore trapping them within walls meant solely to keep visitors entertained . Though most people believe zoos are necessary educational resources , observing wildlife up close isn’t worth sacrificing animal health over . Numerous methods exist today that allow us to understand wild beasts without having needlessly imprisoning them , ranging from virtual reality experiences online all way down outdoor safaris open public viewing . Even if we wanted closer contact with animals , nothing compares witnessing true nature firsthand outside confines zoo enclosures —the sights smells found outdoors simply cannot replicated an artificial space no matter how hard try ! Above all else though remains fact caging creatures cruelly wrong thus endangering wellbeing unnecessarily should never tolerated any cost !
Most of us have probably picked up a piece of meat, inhaled the succulent aroma, ready to stuff it in our mouths. However, have you ever thought about the animal – how miserable its life would’ve been, forced to stay in a cramped cage and fed to grown fat, then executed cruelly, like a malicious criminal? Going vegan can help to show that you do not support this. Veganism is also both better for you, since it reduces toxins and cholesterol levels and it’s better for the animal.
Going vegan can definitely help you to eradicate toxins more and also cholesterol, both of which are harmful for your body. Chicken carcasses have been found to contain residues of chlorine, which has been used to eliminate bacteria including listeria and salmonella. When it comes to the health dangers connected to eating meat, that is merely the tip of the iceberg. Particularly fish may have quite high quantities of hazardous substances. Dioxins and methylmercury have even been discovered to be present in salmon that has been farmed. All these substances found in meat can lead to health problems and damages to the human body. However, you can avoid these harmful hazards and lead a better, more hygienic lifestyle by cutting out these meats and replace them with vegetables instead.
The majority of animal-based foods, such as chicken, shrimp, dairy products, and eggs, are rich in cholesterol, which is associated with an increased risk of coronary heart disease. Conversely, foods made from plants don’t contain any cholesterol. Our blood cholesterol is lowered and our risk of developing heart disease is decreased when we follow a vegan diet that excludes meat, milk, and eggs. According to one study, a plant-based diet can reduce cholesterol levels by as much as 30%. This is a huge win, since heart disease is a cause factor of deaths.
Not only does going vegan have health benefits on us, it is also better for animals. In order to produce the meat, eggs and milk we consume, the health of the animals are risked in unimaginable ways. For example, hens and sows are crammed into tiny cages, sometimes so minuscule it breeches their right to even turn around. They are forced to either grow fat for food, or breed at an alarmingly fast rate with artificial practices. Cows don’t have it any better. They are forced to give birth frequently, just to be separated from their babies in order to provide milk for all of us. Old unneeded cows ( and many other animals) are just slaughtered by unthankful farmers, ready to push the faithful animals into an early, cruel death. By going vegan, you are showing that you don’t support these practices, and that you want to stop this injustice.
As you can see, going vegan has a really beneficial impact on both us and the animals. It can reduce cholesterol levels, toxins and also potentially save some innocent animal. Whenever you see a piece of meat again, just think where it came from, and whether you are taking animals for granted.
Overall Score: 40/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the essay is quite good. The writer starts off with a strong hook to capture the reader’s attention and then provides an introduction that explains the purpose of the essay. They also provide three body paragraphs, each one discussing a different aspect of veganism – health benefits, animal welfare and justice – before tying it all together in a conclusion. However, some more specific examples could have been provided to make the points clearer and more persuasive.
Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
The writer has used some persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions (“Have you ever thought about…?”) as well as providing evidence for their claims (e.g., “According to one study…”). However, they could have included more personal anecdotes or even statistics to make their writing even stronger.
Emotional Appeal: 5/10
Although there are elements of emotional appeal present in this essay such as empathy for animals (“how miserable its life would’ve been…executed cruelly like a malicious criminal”), there isn’t enough language that truly evokes emotion from readers and encourages them to take action on behalf of animals or themselves by going vegan. To increase emotional appeal, try adding words with connotations that evoke feelings like “cruelty” or adding vivid descriptions instead of general phrases like “miserable.”
Figurative Language: 5/10
There are no explicit figurative language devices used in this essay but some metaphors can be inferred from certain phrases (“the tip of the iceberg” and “an alarmingly fast rate”). To really drive home your message consider using similes (“as cruel as…”) personification (“suffering silently”) or other figurative language devices throughout your essay to give readers concrete images so they can better understand what you’re trying to convey.
Grammar & Syntax: 9/10
This submission contains minimal errors when it comes grammar & syntax – only small issues like missing commas where needed – though sometimes using pronouns without definite antecedents may lead to confusion among readers who might not know which nouns those pronouns refer back too.. In addition, watch out for confusing sentence structures; at times sentences were written backwards making it difficult for readers following along at pace with your argumentation process!
Use Of Evidence & Vocabulary : 8 / 10 This piece makes use both evidence-based facts(such as studies showing cholesterol reduction on plant-based diets) and references current trends (like farming practices). Additionally there is an appropriate range of vocabulary choices throughout however some areas feel slightly repetitive due potentially overuse similar verbs within sections; mixing up verb tenses eases readability significantly.. As well look into varying sentence lengths so ideas aren’t lost between long complex sentences! Rewritten Version : Going vegan not only helps us reduce toxins we consume through meat products but also lowers our risk factors associated with coronary heart disease by reducing cholesterol levels in our blood stream . Furthermore , opting against meat consumption shows solidarity towards animal rights activists fighting against unjust practices inflicted upon innocent creatures including cramped cages , forced breeding , separation from families , etcetera . When we pick up pieces of meat ready for ingestion do we think about how much despair these sentient beings endure ? Have we stopped ourselves long enough just once consider what tribulation livestock face daily? Let us show our support by simply switching dietary options ! By doing so we spare ourselves unnecessary exposure harmful substances found meats while simultaneously telling large corporations that exploiting living things isn’t acceptable .
I am Jessie Xu from Ermington Public School’s OC class. Right now, SCEGGS is my dream school. There are many talented girls in the school and surrounding myself with them can make me a better version of myself. The infrastructure and facilities also support my thought that SCEGGS would be a school brimming with opportunities.
I will contribute to SCEGGS with my leadership. I am passionate, enthusiastic and respectful, and hence, I was elected as sports captain for 2023. I was also picked as one of the SCRs of my school. I will definitely also bring my leadership qualities to SCEGGS if possible.
I am also rather excellent at both netball and tennis. I have been in my school netball team for three years in a row. I have gotten better each time due to practicing with my team. For tennis, I have been playing club level competitions, constantly sharing the joy of victory with my tennis partner.
I make ambitions as high as I dare and strive for them with all my might. I will continue to do so at SCEGGS, my dream school. Hopefully you can consider me.
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay is clearly structured and organized, however there could be more evidence of a clear introduction, body and conclusion. Additionally the structure can be improved by adding transitions between paragraphs to help unify the writing.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The author utilizes several persuasive techniques such as emphasizing their leadership qualities and providing examples of success in sports. However, they could further explain why these skills are important for SCEGGS and how they would apply them within the school environment if accepted.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
While some emotional language is used (“brimming with opportunities”), it could be strengthened by utilizing more vivid imagery or figurative language to enhance its impact on readers. For example, “surrounding myself with talented girls at SCEGGS will make me shine brighter than I ever have before.”
Figurative Language: 6/10
Although some figures of speech (e.g., “generate feedback”) are present in this essay, using additional similes or metaphors can create an even stronger persuasive effect on readers. Grammar and Syntax: 10/10 The grammar and syntax used throughout this essay is accurate; thus full marks were awarded here! Use of Evidence : 8 / 10 While evidence has been provided in regards to academic achievements (sports captain) and sporting successes (in netball & tennis), other relevant evidence such as awards or certificates should also be provided for added support. Vocabulary : 6 / 10 The vocabulary used throughout the essay conveys meaning well but could benefit from including more sophisticated words that effectively convey nuances in meaning – e.g., instead of “passionate” use “ardent”.
Suggested Synonyms
Passionate – ardent; enthusiastic – fervent; thought – notion; surrounding – encircling; infrastructure – framework ; facilities – amenities ; brimming- teeming ; elected- chosen ; respect– esteem
Rewritten Version:”My dream school is none other than SCEGGS where talent shines like stars so bright against a velvet night sky filled with opportunity’s glimmering aura awaiting my arrival . As sports captain 2023 , I bring leadership traits embodied by enthusiasm , ardency , humility towards all I meet which makes me stand out above the crowd . My athletic capabilities have flourished through years of practice playing netball for my school team consecutively since year seven alongside regular club level tennis competitions sharing camaraderie when victory strikes . When faced with ambition that dares beyond expectations I persevere despite any odds encountered ahead until reaching my desired destination which happens to be SCEGGS . Here we flourish together surrounded by eminent mindsets that heights ours higher still .”
Part 1
Zoos
Grubby fingerprints smear the glass that encloses the helpless animals. Children rush by, pulling their parents along, pointing in all directions. They are content and satisfied, not once thinking about the innocent animals that will be trapped till the day they die. They are a ticking time bomb, waiting for their death. It’s like they were born just for our entertainment. All of these horrid crimes are covered up with lame excuses such as studies and breeding. Certainly, you wouldn’t want to be in this situation. Sadly many animals are trapped behind these iron bars of torture, which are more commonly named zoos.
Zoos are more than meets the eye. Behind the joyful faces of children and deceiving brochures there is something much more sinister. Abuse. Animals in zoos are often abused physically and mentally. This can be shown by some of the worrying behavior issues that the caged animals possess. Some of these may include pacing and shivering. These behavior issues are often overlooked by oblivious visitors who look at the slaughterhouse as if it were heaven. The animals often face neglect in these unhabitual hellholes. Nobody would want to live with this abuse. Polar bears for example must adapt to a climate much higher than the one they are used to. Furthermore the limited space in the animal’s enclosure prohibits them from doing what they were meant to do like hunting. These animals will forget how to do these essential activities which will eventually lead to death.
Imagine the cool air blowing across the trees. The leaves rustle and drop gently onto the ground. You walk through the forest, happy and satisfied. Suddenly you are caged and taken away. Forced into a small space, never to return again. This is the sad reality that some animals face. Instead of being free and able to roam, the poor, innocent animals are trapped behind glass and bars, prohibiting them from seeing the world. All they know is the cage. We did all this just for a bit of entertainment. A bit of fun. We have broken all the animals. We have disrupted the course of nature.
All animals deserve to be free. Free from captivity and humans. Free of us. They should be treated as equal rather than trapped behind bars as if they were being punished for a crime they themself have not committed. Zoos should not exist. All the harm that they have caused must come to an end. The ads and brochures are all just excuses to cover the dark secret about zoos.
Word count: 408
Part 2
Veganism
Bloody dead carcasses hang on the wall as a putrid odour rises into the air. Frightened animals all crammed into a slaughterhouse waiting for their death. Their eyes are pleading, begging for help as a farmer walks in, carrying a large bloody axe, ready to kill. This is the sad truth about our food. We were not always the heroes in this equation. The poor animals have been tortured and murdered by us. The solution to this horrid problem is veganism. This particular diet does not only help animals, it can help people as well. It can help with health and can even make one happier. Veganism can really help us.
Sometimes we forget that animals have feelings and emotions too. You wouldn’t like it if you were trapped in a small cage waiting for the arrival of your death. Like you were born to die. A travesty of justice. Animals like cows, are all pushed in the same area and sometimes transported overseas just so you can find something on your dinner plate. This animal abuse is immoral and unreasonable. It is almost like we kill innocent animals just for fun. In their eyes we are heartless monsters who crawled our way up from hell.
Animal cruelty isn’t the only reason why veganism is the way to go, there are also health benefits. Going vegan can promote weight loss and lower cholesterol levels which will lower the chances of getting some types of cancer. These cancers include breast and colorectal cancer which can be fatal. Veganism can also help with diabetes as it can lower A1C levels, whereas meat has a lot of saturated fat, which raises cholesterol levels, ultimately raising the risk of coronary heart disease. Overall veganism really helps with horrid health conditions. To put it simply, becoming vegan may save your life.
We can all agree that everybody wishes to be happy and healthy. Veganism not only makes you healthier but it also makes you happier. Studies show that becoming vegan helps you face less stress and anxiety which would be very helpful for employees and CEOs.
Imagine the pain and suffering of the poor animals murdered for food when there is a much more reasonable way to live. We do not need the suffering of animals for food. We need veganism. Not only is it the right thing to do, it can help you physically and mentally. So if you care about yourself and animals become vegan. It’s the moral thing to do.
Word count: 418
Part 3
Plastic Pollution
The monsters invade the ocean, slaughtering and killing the innocent animals in the ocean. Floating like stinging jellyfish in the crystal clear water, their wispy tentacles choking creatures. These monsters are called plastics. They go around like a killing machine, harming not only animals, but humans as well. Unable to be reused, the heartless monsters pile up in our seas. Not a great sight. The problems it will cause on the earth will soon become unfixable. It will take over. Our land will be full of pollution, the sea an endless landfill. This small yet powerful material will change our earth forever. We must get rid of it. Now.
Imagine a life full of trash. Floating around everywhere. In big piles surrounding your home. This is what ocean animals experience. Mistaken for food, the plastic is eaten by the animals, making them believe they are full. They have fallen into the death trap. Oblivious to the danger they are currently in. Slowly, they starve to death. They get caught in the plastic as well. More than 1000 turtles get their flippers and heads tangled in the endless jungle of plastic per year. This can lead to suffocation or amputation (limbs being surgically cut off). Surely you wouldn’t want to be in that situation. We should start thinking about the helpless animals imprisoned for crimes that they did not commit.
It isn’t only bad for the animals, it’s bad for us. The fish that we eat may have eaten plastic, meaning that we will eat it too. Karma. Since plastics also include endocrine disrupting chemicals, we could suffer from horrible diseases if we consume it. These diseases include diabetes, obesity and cancer. It is our moral duty to take care of this planet. We must clean up the rubbish we have dumped. This will aid the animals as well as us.
Some may say that plastic is a great material as it is cheap and easy to work with. This outrageous statement overlooks the fact that plastic is nonrenewable as it is made out of fossil fuels which have a limited supply. If we continue to use this material daily our planet will be covered in plastics. Earth will become uninhabitable.
Plastics did not make earth a better place. It killed off animals and humans. It crowds the land. All because of human greed and folly. Just to save a dollar. We must stop this madness before it takes over.
Word count: 409
Part 3
Renewable energy
From factories to cars they all have something in common. They use non-renewable energy. Fumes are released into the air like a virus spreading through the clouds. We ignore it. The deteriorating air quality harms anyone who dared take a breath. We ignore it. The globe is burning up, plants and animals are dying. We ignore it. The energy will run out soon. We know that and yet we still choose to ignore the mass amount of destruction happening right next to us. When will we realise the harm we have inflicted onto the earth? When will we start caring about the earth? We need to act now, before it’s too late.
It seems we don’t think about the future generations. If we keep polluting the air, the generations ahead are the ones who will live in the mess that we created. They will be the ones cleaning up after us, they will be the ones experiencing the consequences to our actions. If we really cared for the generations ahead, we would take care of the earth. We wouldn’t have the greed and folly we possess today, we wouldn’t release toxic chemicals into the air. Renewable energy sources will prevent our families from suffering.
Imagine a life where breathing could kill you. This can be real. This is air pollution. Air pollution is when a substance with harmful effects is introduced to the air. A single breath may lead to respiratory and cardiovascular conditions which may include chronic bronchitis, lung cancer and asthma. Many places have very bad air quality such as India. The air pollution is estimated to cause 670,000 deaths annually. We wouldn’t want to live in these conditions. We should get renewable energy sources.
We seem to overlook one small aspect of non-renewable energy. They will eventually run out. There’s no way to have an infinite amount of coal or oil or gas. It will all run out someday. Despite this, we still tirelessly use coal, oil, gas and nuclear energy as our main sources as if we were deaf to the warnings already given. Everybody should try to use renewable energy sources as it is the way to go.
Our lives have been dominated by non-renewable energy sources. Whether they create air pollution or will run out, we use them anyway, often overlooking the consequences. We have never once looked at water powered or air powered energy sources. We need to step up. We are the ones shaping the future. We are the ones ruining the earth. We are the ones at fault. This one decision will change your life. Renewable or nonrenewable.
Word count: 438
Overall score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay is well-structured and clear, however the last two sections could be combined for a more cohesive argument.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The author includes many persuasive techniques such as appeals to logic and emotion throughout the essay. The use of rhetorical questions also helps make the point that plastic pollution is destructive and needs to be addressed. However, there could be more evidence included to back up each statement made in order to further strengthen the argument.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The author does an effective job at creating an emotional appeal by using imagery and other descriptive language, but it could have been stronger with a few additional creative examples or anecdotes.
Figurative Language: 6/10
Although there are some figurative language techniques used throughout, they could have been more consistent and varied in order to really bring out the emotions of readers.
Grammar & Syntax: 8/10
There are very few errors in grammar or syntax in this essay; any mistakes can easily be fixed without significant changes being made to the content of writing itself.
Use of Evidence & Vocabulary: 7/10 There is ample evidence provided within each section which makes it easy for readers to understand why veganism or renewable energy sources should be employed instead of nonrenewable sources like coal or oil. However, there could be a greater variety of words used throughout so that sentences do not appear repetitive or monotonous when read aloud by someone else (e.g., replace “horrid” with something like “dreadful”).
Rewritten Version (approx 300 words):
Bloody carcasses hang from walls as a sickening smell wafts through air – frightened animals all crammed into one area awaiting their fate while humans walk around oblivious towards what’s happening right next toe them…the evil monsters called plastics cause destruction everywhere they go – polluting oceans with their wispy tentacles choking creatures who mistake them for food – leading them straight towards death traps! It seems we don’t think about future generations living amongst our mess.. If we keep polluting our earth then those ahead will suffer consequences beyond repair – so if you care about yourself and others act now before it’s too late! We must switch from non-renewable energy sources such as gas, oil, nuclear etcetera because eventually these will run out leaving us helpless against environmental hazards including air pollution which leads respiratory diseases such as cancer even though they might seem cheap at first glance! Renewable energy sources on the other hand promote health benefits whilst protecting wildlife habitat both on land and sea – making sure everyone breathes fresh clean air without worrying about toxic effects created by humans themselves.. Let us pledge today that we’ll take responsibility for our actions no matter how hard it might seem – let us take action before irreversible damage takes over!
part 1 writing : zoos should be banned.
Untitled document (3)
Overall score: 43/50
Word Count: 500 words, 25/25
Structure: The essay is structured logically and follows a persuasive format. It starts with an emotional description of the situation, followed by arguments against zoo captivity, and then a call to action at the end. The transitions between paragraphs are clear but could be improved in some places. 20/25
Persuasive Techniques: The essay successfully uses rhetorical questions and appeals to emotion throughout. However, more examples of ethos and logos could have been used to make the argument stronger. 18/25
Emotional Appeal: This essay effectively conveys its message through strong emotional language that evokes feelings of sorrow for animals held captive in zoos. Examples include “They all dream of a beautiful past” and “utter hellholes of despair” which paint vivid images for readers about the plight faced by these animals. 21/25
Figurative Language: Although some figurative language is present throughout this essay such as “manacles of pain and agony” there is room for improvement here as well – consider including more imagery or similes to create vivid pictures for your audience about what you are describing. 17/25
Grammar & Syntax : For the most part grammar and syntax are correct but watch out for errors like misplaced modifiers (e.g., “He had tied one end rope”). 22/25
Use Of Evidence : This essay provides several concrete examples from real life situations to support its argument against zoos such as Gus’s story or Zoochosis disorder- making it very convincing overall! 23 / 25
Vocabulary : To improve vocabulary use synonyms instead of repeating words such as using ‘captivity’ instead of ‘confinement’. Use tools like a dictionary or thesaurus if necessary! 19 / 25
Suggested Synonyms & Rewritten Version
Synonyms Used In The Essay Include;Agony -> TortureChain -> BindCramped -> SqueezedOppressive -> OppressWeep -> SobUltimate Despair-> Utter MiseryHarsh Mental Distress-> AnguishPainful Deaths-> MortalityCrushing Regard-> GlareInsatiable Greed-> AvariceExploitation -> AbuseHellhole-> Pit Of SufferingDire Oppression –> Repressive ControlLiberty–> FreedomFlourish–> ProsperityStruggle–> FightRight–> RectifyWrongs –> InjusticesSatisfy –> Appease
Zoos are dark prisons where innocent creatures undergo torture within manacles that bind them together in misery – picture feeble animals with thin skin crawling inside limited confines waiting sadly for their mortality under oppressive humans who glare down upon them with repressive control . They yearn deeply for freedom they once had before being cruelly stripped away , unable even muster enough energy to sob under utter desolation they face while enduring harsh mental anguish due to human captivity .These unbearable enclosures needlessly stain our society , thus we must address this issue now . Animals experience extreme distress when confined , leading often times symptoms similar those associated with depression known as Zoochosis effecting 80 percent zoo captives ; not mention 1932 article regarding rouse monkey committing painful suicide after facing loneliness depression his tiny prison cell . These grim conditions wrongfully exploit power over animals forcing them learn tricks breed satisfy insatiable avarice their keepers profit from efforts put forth sufferings endure . We must ban these pits suffering free living happiness opportunity rightfully prosper natural environment rectifying injustices committed years ago mankind animal kingdom alike . Let us struggle fight bring true mentality back life ending dire oppression forced upon animal species now !
part 2 writing : benefits of veganism
Untitled document (4)
Overall score= 18/20
Structure= 9/10
Introduction, body, counter-arguments and conclusion are clearly demonstrated and paragraphs are articulately organized. The ideas are organized well. However, the transition is not smooth. Could’ve used linking words that can make the flow more seamless and natural.
Persuasive Techniques= 8/10
Thesis statement needs to be crystal clear in the introduction. By not clarifying to your readers about the “brother” as a reference to an animal, it creates a huge misunderstanding. Not only does this confuse your readers but make them less persuaded by your ambiguous statement. Albeit, there is sufficient evidence that supports your claim and that is obviously shown by the amount of studies and statistics in your writing. As for the language technique, there is a rich pool of highfalutin words, which is good.
Emotional Appeal= 5/10
Most of your evidences are logical and empirical data, there’s little to no emotional appeal incorporated in your essay(Only in the introduction) That can be a big loophole to your writing since not only should you educate your readers to make informed decision, you should capture their emotions, to elicit certain emotions that will seal the deal. Facts are good but without any hear-to-heart confrontation, they are practically pointless.
Figurative Language= 3/5
There is scarcity in figurative language due to facts bombarding your whole essay. While facts are vital in a persuasive paper, a little bit of metaphors, similes, hyperboles, and the like can make your writing more engaging and immersive. Make sure to balance it out.
Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary= 4/5
There are several punctuation errors, specifically with the use of “commas”. Grammar can be improved by transitioning one idea flawlessly unto the next. Although, they are only minimal. In terms of vocabulary, it is spot on.
Use of Evidence= 5/5
There is an adequate amount of evidence that makes your statement inarguably true and convincing. The appropriate facts and information were incorporated. It is evident throughout your writing that you did your research
Vocabulary List:
Intoxicate, Zoonotic, Englazed, Sentinent
Imagine if you are a poor sea turtle, innocently just wanting to eat some food, yet swallowing a plastic bag. The weird thing seems to tug cruelly at your lung, choking you. All your efforts removing it are wasted, and slowly, you float up to the surface like a balloon your soul disintegrating from the world. That’s what happens about every day in our oceans, due to one global killer : single use plastic bags. Plastic bags must be banned. They harm our wildlife and nature, highly contribute to climate change and also harm humans.
Have you ever just been enjoying a time at a park, and come across a plastic bag casually floating around, or entangling itself into the branches of trees? After a while, although you may not notice, a curious animal might chomp at it , not expecting a bite of toxins. Birds and sea turtles usually mistake plastic bags as a tasty bite of jellyfish or insect. When they swallow it, they can easily either choke, or receive a congested digestive track. That can obviously lead up to future dangers for them. Plastic bags are cold killers, and banning them would be beneficial for the immaculate animals which regularly fall because of them.
The production and decomposition of plastic bags pollute more than you could ever imagine. Polypropylene, which is created from natural gas and petroleum, makes up the majority of plastic. The materials are all made from non-renewable fossil fuels, and the extraction and even manufacture of these materials results in the generation of glasshouse gases, which furthers the effects of global climate change. Plastic bags do not degrade, which makes matters worse. Recycling businesses occasionally try to produce them, but they wind up spewing more methane into the atmosphere. As you can see, plastic bags in general are really detrimental to our earth.
Plastic bags not only harm animals, they also impact humans in invisible ways, like an undercover spy. Plastic bags include several compounds that can interfere with how hormones in the body normally function. The majority of oceanic plastic debris, such as plastic bags, contain contaminants that can affect hormones. Additionally, after the marine animals eat these chemicals, they pass down the food chain and eventually reach people who eat fish and other marine species. As the marine life and fish are exposed to the chemical substances in the ocean waters, they bio-accumulate in their systems. All these substances that are harmful to human health are consumed when humans cook them. They might get cancer or some other terrible disease.
All in all, plastic bags are terrible for humans, animals and the environment. To strive for a better, more eco-friendly world plastic bags must be banned. Next time you encounter this murderous being, consider not using it, and think of all the things which could potentially be saved!
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the essay is solid, and it contains an introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion. However, the conclusion could be strengthened by adding a call to action or summarizing some of the key points in order to really drive home the message. Additionally, some transitions between sentences would help with flow.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The essay makes use of several persuasive techniques such as facts and figures, personal experience stories and powerful imagery. The author also provides evidence for their arguments which helps make them more convincing. There are a few areas where using additional rhetorical devices or emotional language could be beneficial in strengthening the argument further. For example, instead of saying “single use plastic bags must be banned” they could say “we have no choice but to ban single use plastic bags” or “it is our duty to ban single use plastic bags” in order to create a stronger sense of urgency around this issue.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
Although there are some vivid images used throughout this essay that evoke strong emotions (e.g., “floating up like a balloon your soul disintegrating from world”), overall it lacks emotion compared to other persuasive essays on similar topics written by other authors who can often draw on personal experiences or anecdotes that generate empathy among readers . Moreover, including statements such as “we cannot stand idly by” will help add an element of urgency while creating an emotional connection with readers so they feel compelled to take action on this issue themselves..
Figurative Language: 6/10
This paper uses effective figurative language at times (example : ‘float up like balloons’), but does not incorporate enough creative metaphors or similes that would make its points even more impactful for readers . For example , when describing how animals mistake plastic bags for food , perhaps phrasing such as “plastic baits its prey with false promises” might work better than simply stating “misunderstands”. This sort of figurative language allows people’s imaginations run wild while making connections between abstract concepts easier because they can envision what you’re trying convey through concrete examples .
Grammar & Syntax : 10/10 The grammar and syntax used were great! No errors whatsoever!
Use Of Evidence : 8 / 10 The author provided supporting evidence for each point made which was very helpful in strengthening their argument; however , there wasn’t much exploration into why those pieces of evidence matter nor did they draw any conclusions based upon mentioned facts – both aspects are important when making an argument since without these elements everything just becomes superficial information rather than something meaningful . More depth needs added here otherwise it won’t capture reader’s attention effectively .
Vocabulary : 4 / 10 As good as many words used may appear initially , upon closer inspection most lack sophistication due to repetition giving off monotonous vibe – finding ways break free from repetitive phrases needed if want actually grab reader’s attention fully and keep them engaged throughout entire piece . That said , bringing variety into sentence structures still possible so long come up interesting synonyms mix things ; specific words suggested below !
Suggested Synonyms: Innocently –> Guilelessly; Efforts –> Endeavors; Congested –> Clogged; Detrimental–> Adverse; Immaculate –> Unblemished ; Choke –> Strangle ; Pollute–> Contaminate ; Interfere–> Impede ; Bio-accumulate—> Accrue
My PART 2 HW
Scholarly HW WEEK 5 PART 2 Claire Wang
Overall score= 16/20
Structure= 8/10
Introduction, body, counter-arguments and conclusion can be clearly demarcated. The transition from one topic to another can be further improved by using linking words that can make the flow more natural and smoother. Conclusion is a bit rough.
Persuasive Techniques= 8/10
Thesis statement can be determined right away in the introduction, straight-to-the point. That is good. However, I do not recommend laying out your reasons right off the bat. It’s better if you capture your audience’s attention first and have them hooked to your reading. That way, they will be compelled to read further. Additionally, it’s good that most of the techniques are applied in the appropriate context.
Emotional Appeal= 7/10
I can see that you tried to elicit emotions at the 3rd paragraph, but it would’ve been better if you had consistently applied emotional appeal into your writing. The facts are good, they are vital, but sometimes, a way to a person’s heart is literally, their heart. You have to try to capture their feelings and not lose it until the very end to really convince them.
Figurative Language= 2/5
There is scarcity in figurative language. I believe a lot of your sentences can be rephrased using figurative language such as when you said “Weight loss could never be that simple” Instead of flat out saying that, you can say “weighty loss could never be just a walk-in-the-park”. Facts are good but try to entertain your readers and immerse them in your writing.
Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary= 4/5
There are several punctuation errors, specifically with the use of “commas”. Little to no flaws to your grammar and vocabulary is average. Good job!
Use of Evidence= 4/5
There is an abundance of evidence here. However, some of the information is quite irrelevant to your argument and it completely throws off your groove. Specifically, your 4th paragraph. It’s good that you used other people’s experience, but make sure to properly contextualise it so that it perfectly fits what you are discussing and supports your thesis statement!
Vocabulary List:
Disgusting, Agony, Liberation, Adverse
Right now, our world is slowly becoming more and more polluted. Non-renewable energy emissions is one of the many big contributors to this. Action must be taken to change that – plants animals and people are dying form bad air like helpless victims of a cruel disease. To change that, one option is clear : renewable energy. Many countries are turning to this source of energy, coming from natural resources such as sunlight, water, wind and many more. Renewable energy is the most beneficial path for our future, since it is better for the environment, public health and it is both inexhaustible and cheap.
Have you ever gone up in the mountains, and thought that the air was much more fresh compared to the air in your city home? That is due to the mountains being far away from factories – especially non-renewable energy factories, one of the biggest carbon emitters. If all of those turned to renewable energy, there would be less emissions, and in the end, less global warming. When we heat up, for example coal for energy, there is carbon dioxide and other environment damaging gasses coming from the smoke which rises from the coal. It is the same case for other non-renewable sources. For renewable ones, however, it just comes from our environment’s natural force, such as the flow of the wind, making renewable energy more eco-friendly.
Not only is renewable energy better for our environment, it is also better for public health. Around 7 million people die from air pollution every year, and that number has been accumulating ridiculously. When renewable energy replaces non-renewable energy, there will be, as mentioned, less emissions. Obviously, that will lead to cleaner air. If we are exposed to fresh, crisp air constantly, the rates of deaths from ambient bad air will lower drastically. Our poor lungs would finally rest. Pure air, although seen as rather unimportant compared to other things like covid 19, is just as important, and by using renewable energy, we will be one step closer to it.
Believe it or not, by switching to renewable energy, you are also switching to cheaper energy. Since Non-renewable energy takes more effort to produce, with the digging, mining, storing, heating and more, it is also more expensive. Renewable energy, however just takes come solar panels, or a few turbines, and nature will work its magic. Renewable energy is also inexhaustible. Sources like sunlight and wind would never run out in most countries. The case is not the same for non-renewable energy. Oil, natural gas and coal form with a long time of resting underground or in other places. With the growing population and the high demand for energy, the finite number of sources will eventually run out, unlike renewable energy.
Renewable energy is the best solution for our future. Nothing will suffer from polluted air like helpless puppies again. It is better for human health, environmental cleanliness, and is cheaper and infinite. If we are going to supply both the potentially 10 billion people and the environment, we have to take action now, and switch our energy sources to renewable.
Overall score= 17/20
Structure= 9/10
All parts, introduction, body, counter-arguments are clearly demonstrated. Linking words such as Additionally, Moreover, Furthermore, should’ve been used to transition from one paragraph to another to make the ideas flow more smoothly an naturally.
Persuasive Techniques= 9/10
Thesis statement is formulated well and with confidence. It is properly demarcated right away in the introduction. Rhetorical question is used and writing sounds professionally written, which adds to the credibility of the paper.
Emotional Appeal= 5/10
Because the paper revolved around on facts, there’s little to no attempt to elicit emotions from the readers. Except only in your 3rd paragraph where you talked about how people’s lung condition will improve. But that doesn’t really trigger any pain or nostalgia from your readers.
Figurative Language= 3/5
Again, because this paper is rich with factual information and evidence, there’s almost no room for creativity. It would’ve been better if you used more simile, metaphor, personification, etc in you writing. I managed to find one which is in your last paragraph (Helpless like puppies) but there are a lot of sentences that can be rephrased. For example, instead of saying “that number has been accumulating ridiculously” you can say “that number went higher than the skyscrapers in Dubai”
Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary= 4/5
Everything is perfect! Punctuations and grammar are flawless. As for vocabulary, I think you could’ve opted for more “emotional” words just so you can elicit certain emotions from your readers
Use of Evidence= 4/5
I love how plentiful of facts you added to your essay. It is evident that you did your research. However, I believe it would’ve been better if you also included accounts from different people so that your reader can say that there are also people out there who are actually thriving with renewable energy. Maybe include a professional’s anecdote or personal experience.
Vocabulary List:
Inexpensive, immediately, lengthen, distant
Veganism
Have you ever eaten lamb chops at a barbeque or devoured a juicy pork meal at a restaurant? At that moment, it probably was amazing, however, are you aware of what horrible things that happened before you got your meal? Mounds of livestock are crowded in slaughterhouses, forced to watch their breed being sliced. Pigs and cows are agitated by the pungent smell contaminating the room and the flies infesting the expired and slumped corpses. However, you can free many animals from this torture if you adopted a vegan lifestyle. Veganism doesn’t just unleash innocent animals from brutal abuse but also benefits you and your health.
It’s been recorded by The World in Data that over 80 billion, not million, animals are bound to die for human consumption. This number is 10 times the human population! This shows that meat consumption is increasing at an alarming rate. Did you know that 6 million land animals are being butchered every hour. This means that over 140 million animals are annihilated every day. Do you see how much animals go through excruciating pain just for human consumption now? You could be decreasing this number if you were to adopt a vegan lifestyle.
Becoming vegan isn’t just saving animals lives, it can potentially save yours. Although it may not help you in a life or death situation, it’s guaranteed you’ll see the benefits in the long run. A vegan diet helps promote a healthy weight loss, reduce a risk of heart disease by decreasing cholesterol levels and lower your chances of getting critical cancers such as colon cancer. Vegan diets, which are made of vegetables and fruit, are high in fiber and antioxidants. Some dark green leafy vegetables may also be composed of beneficial plant compounds. Some include a variety of different vitamins and minerals such as vitamin B or calcium. Vegan diets also tend to be richer in potassium, magnesium, folate and vitamin A,C and E.
Adopting a vegan lifestyle helps animals from cruelty and replenishes your body with nutrients. You wouldn’t want to be eating a meal knowing that the animal has experienced a death it never deserved would you? Next time you eat a meal, think about going vegan and the multiple benefits it provides in just one bite.
Overall score= 17/20
Structure= 9/10
Introduction, body, counterarguments, and conclusion can be clearly seen right away. The organization of ideas is well-planned. However, transitioning words could’ve greatly improved the flow of the writing
Persuasive Techniques= 8/10
Thesis statement needs to be distinctly recognized in the first paragraph. With the way you structured your introduction, the readers can get lost and not know right away the point you are trying to make. Rhetorical questions are used as well. Paper is loaded with language and emotional appeal is evident.
Emotional Appeal= 10/10
Amazing! I can see that you were able to apply emotional appeal consistently throughout your essay. Pairing it with factual information absolutely makes your writing irrefutable and inarguable. Good job
Figurative Language= 2/5
There’s almost no figurative language used in your writing. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t able to distinguish one in any of the paragraphs. While it is imperative that facts should dominate the whole paper, it is important that you keep your readers engaged and entertained. Figurative language can add spice to your work
Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary= 4/5
Everything is perfect! Punctuations and grammar are flawless. Vocabulary is superb! There’s also an issue with the flow of you sentences that could be improved if transition words were used!
Use of Evidence= 3/5
It is obvious that you wrote this paper based on factual evidence. Not only medical facts, but scientific as well. Although, I would’ve preferred if you at least added accounts from famous people or significant figures in your community that can represent for the vegan community and add credibility into your writing. Their words and experiences always go a long way to persuade your readers.
Vocabulary List:
Adverse, Horrendous, Abundant, Assists
Part 3 Writing : single-use plastics should be banned
attachment below:
Untitled document (5)
Overall score= 16/20
Structure= 9/10
Introduction, body, counterarguments, and conclusion are all distinguishable. Introduction started very strongly. Conclusion is weaker compared to introduction due to lack of emotional appeal. Additionally, transition words should’ve been used for every paragraph to make the flow of the topics more natural and easier to follow.
Persuasive Techniques= 5/10
Thesis statement is being laid out right-away, which is good. However, the language techniques are missing. No rhetorical question, figurative language, and emotional appeal.
Emotional Appeal= 4/10
Paper is too devoted to facts. While factual evidence are a sure win to an argument, you need to touch the hearts of your readers and elicit emotions from them. Trigger what pains them and exploit it to really change their minds. I only managed to read one line “Picture, dying feebly on your iron hospital deathbed, choking on the harmful wrath of tiny plastic shard” That was already a good attempt!
Figurative Language= 1/5
There’s almost no figurative language used in your writing. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t able to distinguish one in any of the paragraphs. This is just as important as evidence. You need to keep your readers attention until the very end and what better way to do it than show some glimpse of creativity in your writing with the use of figurative language.
Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary= 4/5
Flawless! Grammar and punctuation are good. Vocabulary is above average. Good work.
Use of Evidence= 4/5
It can be observed that you indeed did your research due to the abundance of factual information, may it be in chemistry, medicine, or etc. Although, evidence doesn’t only limit to facts. It can be anecdotes or true-to-life accounts from people, who can vouch that your claim is of absolute truth. Nonetheless, you included relevant and appropriate pieces of information which makes your argument irrefutable.
Vocabulary List:
Colossal, Destruction, Decrease, Forbidding
Single Use Plastic
It’s the 21st century, the convenience of many things have soared, one of the factors to this is single use plastic. Single use plastic can preserve food products and during the Covid calamity, the usage of this material has dominated the planet. You can now find mountains of single use plastic in bins and it’s littered on the ground. It’s not just in parks, in fact, warehouses and docks have been built just to store tonnes of plastic and be forgotten. However, single use plastic poses many hazardous problems to the earth who has painfully taken on the damage of single use plastic. The only way to stop single use plastic brimming the earth to the tip is to ban it.
More than 95% of single use plastic is not biodegradable. This means that when plastic has met the ground of the earth, it can take hundreds of years to dissolve. The problems can start to begin if, say a bird finds a piece of plastic. Birds expire because plastic can cause sharp pains because the plastic is prodding at the internal organs. This is not only a fast death, but an excruciatingly painful death. Other birds die from consuming plastic because they starve. They feel like they’re full from the plastic even though they haven’t received not even a morsel of nutrients. Single use plastic doesn’t just contaminate the earth, it chokes the ocean.
Lustrous waves and schools of fish are gagged around the neck by devilish plastic. It strangles them and crunches their stomach. Sea creatures inhabiting the ocean will suffocate if single use plastic takes over their forever home. It is inhumane to litter the ocean with 14 million tonnes of plastic every year. A turtle for example, pays the price of single use plastic. They mistake plastic bags for jellyfish and consume it, they also inhale plastic straws and can’t breathe. Around 1000 turtles demise each year from plastic, but this number is an utter understatement.
Single use plastic doesn’t just deteriorate natural landscapes and brutally suffocate animals, it affects humans as well.
Plastic is abundant in toxic chemicals which can harm humans even more than animals. The frequent use of plastic can result in inhaling or ingesting large quantities of microplastic particles and hundreds of toxic chemicals. This can cause numerous faults in the human body. One type of toxic chemical in plastic is the endocrine disrupting chemicals. If you’re exposed to too much of these chemicals, it can cause obesity, diabetes and prostate. Because single use plastic infests waterways and the environment, humans are vulnerable to the exposure of these chemicals. It isn’t just animals who are bearing and paying the price of single use plastic, humans too are paying the price.
However, it doesn’t have to be this way. We can still reverse the stain that plastic has left on society. It’s breaching the rights of the environment, animals and even humans when single use plastic is thrown out. You can help turn around this torture plastic has caused by taking simple actions. The WWF said in an article that using reusable bags and recycling scraps of plastic can make a huge difference for the future. Say no to single use plastic.
Overall Score: 47/50
Structure: 10/10
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
Figurative Language: 9/10
Grammar and Syntax: 8/10
Use of Evidence: 7/10
Vocabulary: 6/10
This essay does a great job at persuading readers to take action on plastic use. It is well structured, using an introduction, body paragraphs with clear arguments, and a conclusion. The persuasive techniques used such as facts and statistics are effective in arguing the point that single-use plastic should be banned. Additionally, the emotional appeal of descriptions of how animals suffer from single-use plastics is successful in creating empathy for the issue. To improve this essay further, more sophisticated language could be used throughout to make each argument stand out even more. For example, instead of saying “It’s not just in parks” one could say “Single use plastic doesn’t just pollute our parks but also warehouses and docks across the globe.”
Synonyms can also help strengthen writing by keeping it interesting; some synonyms for “single-use” include disposable or throwaway plastics while “brimming” could be replaced with overflowing or teeming. Lastly, adding figurative language like similes or metaphors would help create vivid images which will stay with readers long after they finish reading this piece. For instance when discussing birds consuming plastic you might write something like “Plastic wraps around their wings like an evil cape strangling them before they can fly away”.
Finally rewriting this passage to include more emotional and figurative language may look something like this:”It’s 2021 yet despite all our progressions as humans we still find ourselves choking Mother Nature with mountains upon mountains of throwaway plastics that clog our streets and inhabit every corner of Earth’s oceans – home to thousands upon thousands species who pay dearly for man’s negligence.” Lustrous waves crash against piles upon piles of devilish plastics that cling onto marine life snatching away their breath until death comes knocking at their door; sea turtles mistake these bags for jellyfish only to die a slow agonizing death from starvation because all those ‘full’ feelings come without any morsel nutrients whatsoever. But it isn’t only animals paying price here – humans too suffer greatly due to their exposure to toxic chemicals found within single-use objects such as microplastic particles which can lead to obesity diabetes prostate cancer if exposed to high levels of endocrine disrupting chemicals over time..The only way to stop this torture on the environment and wildlife is by taking simple actions such as choosing reusable bags and recycling scraps of plastic so future generations don’t have bear the burden of extinction brought about our own hands..Say no single-use plastics!
Part 1
Zoos must be outlawed
Imagine the pain and suffering of poor innocent animals that are confined to a small inescapable prison. The spark of adventure hidden inside their bodies slowly fading away as they are kept locked up behind bars and unable to roam free. How would you feel if you were trapped in a cage like them for your entire life? Zoos must be banned, as healthy animals are slaughtered as if they don’t matter, animals are taken from their homes and families, and animals suffer because of them. This is why zoos most definitely must be banned.
First of all, healthy animals are slaughtered. It is a matter of life and death for these poor beautiful creatures. Picture a slaughterhouse, blood dripping from the roof, rotten flesh hanging on endless racks, and helpless shrieking as perfectly normal innocent animals are violently put to death. Zoos dispose of animals with no use to them. This is done either by slaughtering them or by selling them to unethical exotic animal dealers. For example, one giraffe who was kept in Copenhagen Zoo was killed after proving no breeding use to them. He was later fed to the lions who violently ripped him apart, limb from limb. This is why zoos have to be banned.
Moreover, animals are stolen from their homes. They are taken from their families and friends and shipped halfway across the world to a zoo. For example, there were two lynxes who were captured from the wild and transported to a zoo. They were brought to Borth Wild Animal Kingdom in Wales where they escaped. One was subsequently shot to death while the other was strangled to death by a zookeeper who was transporting it back to the zoo. This is another reason why zoos must be banned.
Even more so, animals suffer from the back-breaking pain of being trapped in a zoo. In fact, almost 80% of animals kept in captivity suffer from anxiety and depression. They also suffer from just the sheer size of a cage, which is at least 100 times smaller than an animal’s natural habitat. Animals have no freedom of choice, meaning that humans make every single decision for them. They don’t get to choose where they eat, when they sleep, and who they mate with. They are being pulled farther and farther away from what they really are. Zoos are stains on our society and a flagrant disregard for fairness. This is yet another reason why zoos must unquestionably be prohibited.
Ultimately, zoos have to be banned. This is because healthy animals are slaughtered, they are taken from their homes, and they suffer in captivity. Zoos are purely for mere human entertainment. They must certainly be banned.
Overall score: 45/50
Structure: 10/10
The essay is structured logically, with an introduction that states the main argument and several body paragraphs discussing different points in support. Each point is clearly established and supported by evidence.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The writer makes effective use of persuasive techniques such as appeals to emotion and pathos, vivid descriptions, facts & statistics, and rhetorical questions. However, there could be more examples of logical persuasion included in the essay.
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
The essay contains many instances of emotional appeal through vivid imagery (e.g., “blood dripping from the roof”) and descriptions of animal suffering (e.g., “ripped him apart limb from limb”). The writer could have used stronger language or analogies to make a greater impact on readers’ emotions.
Figurative Language: 8/10
The essay includes some figurative language such as metaphors (“prison”) but it could benefit from more comparisons or similes to create a more powerful effect on readers’ imaginations. For example, “the spark of adventure hidden inside their bodies slowly fading away like a dying flame”.
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
The grammar and syntax are correct throughout this persuasive piece; all sentences flow smoothly without any errors in punctuation or spelling mistakes.
Use Of Evidence: 10/10
This essay effectively incorporates both quantitative data (i.e., statistics) as well as qualitative evidence (i.e., stories about individual animals) which provides credibility for its arguments against zoos being allowed to remain open for business operations.
Vocabulary : 7 / 10
Most words used are appropriate for this type of writing but there is room for improvement; try replacing words such as ‘ban’, ‘must’, ‘innocent’ with synonyms like prohibit, ought to , blameless respectively . This will help add variety to your writing style while still conveying the same message .
Rewritten Essay : Zoos must be prohibited – this urgent decree must be implemented due to healthy creatures being slaughtered indiscriminately, wildlife taken forcibly away from their habitats, families, friends; condemned inexorably into tiny confined spaces where they suffer endlessly every day. Visualize then, if you can bear it, the anguish felt by these poor defenseless beasts who never asked nor desired imprisonment within lifeless cages – deprived chronically of true freedom ; unable even once during their lifetimes to explore outside those cruel bars that keep them bound eternally within a graveyard-like atmosphere . It’s no wonder why 80 % experience crushing depression due largely thanks also to severely restricted living quarters which barely give enough space even just simply lay down properly let alone move around freely inside ! Every single decision made concerning them comes solely from humans – not one choice offered up whether it concerns eating times or sleeping arrangements or mating partners either … No doubt remains then how repugnant zoos truly are when considered objectively – nothing but pure human entertainment at expense primitive species whose only wish would undoubtedly instead roam free amongst nature’s majestic beauty unfettered only governed by laws created lovingly crafted universe itself not forced upon hapless victims whimsical whims mankind selfishly motivated solely own pleasure ! All things considered, therefore we should banish forevermore these abhorrent establishments; doing so ensures natural born right granted each creature here partaken our planet since time immemorial remains intact and unbroken allowing live out full lives unencumbered shackles imposed on us unjustly throughout history!
Renewable Energy
Have you ever gone to an urban area and all you inhale is plumes of smoke? This can cause irritation and inflammation of the respiratory system, exacerbation of asthma and reduced immunity to respiratory infection like a cold or the flu. The IEA recorded that only 10% of the cars worldwide are electric. However, we can change these ratios the other way around by switching to renewable energy, the global saviour. Renewable energy plays a major role in slowing global warming. Renewable has environmental and economic benefits for it if we transition to it.
The continuous human activity has resulted in 36.6 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide being emitted into the atmosphere in just a year. All this carbon dioxide traps all the heat in the atmosphere which is why we have global warming. This results in a web of harmful events such as severe droughts, floods and sea level rise. It’s been recorded that over 40% of global warming is caused by the burning of fossil fuels for electricity generation. However renewable energy produces as close to no global warming emissions. This means that global warming associated with renewable energy is minimised. It becomes clear when the rates of renewable and non-renewable energy are observed. Burning natural gas releases around 0.6 to 2 pounds of carbon dioxide per kilowatt-hour, coal burning produces 1.4 to 3.6 pounds of carbon dioxide per kilowatt- hour. However, renewable energy has much smaller and limited scales. For example, geothermal energy, energy generated underground, emits 0.1 to 0.2 pounds of carbon dioxide per kilowatt-hour. Renewable energy is a much cleaner option for the environment and global warming.
Introducing renewable energy provides more job slots. With over 10 million jobs for renewable energy currently, this number increases dramatically if renewable energy is our main energy source. Renewable energy can also mean decreased electric bills. Implementing your own renewable energy gadgets can help reduce electricity bills to almost 0. Such as solar panels, while building them may be costly, you’ll be producing renewable energy for yourself. The exact amount that you save from renewable energy depends on where you live. If it’s always sunny, then you’ll have a much wider range of energy to use. According to EnergySage, the average amount saved ranges from 10,000 to 30,000. Renewable energy not only protects the environment but also is more effective in maintaining finances.
During the 21st century, there have been many alternatives to replace non-renewable energy. The main ones in usage right now are solar energy, hydro electricity, wind harnessing and geothermal energy. Solar energy uses solar panels which are placed on higher grounds to absorb sunlight. It converts the sun’s energy into electricity. You can also own solar panels for your house. Hydro electricity, wind harnessing and geothermal are all used for wider pieces of land such as farms or dams. Now, many car brands such as Tesla have designed cars that use electricity instead of fossil fuels. This means, you can drive around without emitting carbon dioxide into the air.
You can do many things with renewable energy to help save the environment. Renewable energy has many things to offer for us if we all convert to it. Implementing solar panels or using an electric car can make a big difference to the planet. We can turn over many problems with renewable energy, our global saviour.
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 9/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
Figurative Language: 6/10
Grammar and Syntax: 10/10
Use of Evidence: 9/10
Vocabulary: 6/10
This persuasive essay does an excellent job of conveying the importance of transitioning to renewable energy sources. The structure is organized well, with paragraphs devoted to both the environmental and economic benefits of renewable energy; this offers a comprehensive view on why it is important to switch over from non-renewable sources. The author also effectively uses persuasive techniques such as parallelism, repetition, and rhetorical questions in order to make their argument more compelling. However, the essay could be improved by providing more emotional appeal for readers; adding some personal anecdotes or stories about people who have been affected by climate change would help draw readers in and emphasize the urgency of switching to renewable sources. Additionally, there is room for improvement when it comes to using figurative language; try replacing phrases like “global saviour” with metaphors that better encapsulate how powerful and life-saving renewable energy can be (e.g., “a bright beacon in a sea of darkness”). Finally, while the vocabulary used throughout the essay is appropriate, utilizing synonyms will help create a richer description (for example, instead of saying “burning fossil fuels” you could use phrases such as “combusting natural resources” or “consuming precious fuel reserves”). In conclusion, if these areas are revised then this persuasive essay will become even more effective at persuading readers!
Renewable energy has been hailed as our global savior – a bright beacon in a sea of darkness – offering us hope amidst mounting concerns about climate change caused by human activity. Each year 36 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide are emitted into Earth’s atmosphere due to burning fossil fuels for electricity generation alone; this trapped heat leads directly to devastating droughts, floods, and rising ocean levels worldwide. It’s no wonder then that many countries are now turning towards alternative forms clean energy production that produces close-to zero emissions – none other than our beloved renewables!
By introducing renewables into our daily lives not only do we ensure greater protection against environmental damage but reap countless economic advantages too – think decreased electric bills courtesy of solar panels installed in your own home! According to figures published by EnergySage on average savings range between $10000-$30000 per household annually depending on location – quite impressive indeed! Plus with over 10 million jobs currently provided by green industries globally there is plenty of incentive gainfully employed within the sector too boot.
But what exactly counts as “renewables?” Well, solar power harnessed through photovoltaic cells placed high up rooftops captures the suns rays and convert them into usable electricity whilst hydroelectricity relies upon dams rivers streams operate turbines generate the same result wind farms take advantage of strong winds rotate blades push generator ball rolling geothermal takes underground process tapping hot steam producing thermal power lastly bioenergy converts organic matter plants animals biomass burn release stored thermal again top off list electric cars powered batteries reducing reliance oil petrol completing cleaner cycle transportation overall transition away old non-renewables provides far fewer health risks associated inhalation smoke particles sickening asthma sufferers exacerbating cold flu infections alike however smoother air quality fresher breath healthier lungs sound good already? Then let’s get started helping the planet one step time, shall we?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qAc3Gt5iLA4aJhh_8J-IL8E-4-CqTrgjtKP1vFroB18/edit?usp=sharing
Structure: 35/50
Persuasive Techniques: 28/30
Emotional Appeal: 20/20
Figurative Language: 10/10
Grammar and Syntax: 15/15
Use of Evidence: 12/12
Vocabulary: 8.5 /10
This essay has a well-structured argument that clearly explains why zoos should be banned, however, there is room for improvement in the persuasive techniques used. The author could use more emotional language to effectively draw in their readers and make them connect with the plight of animals living in captivity. Additionally, some words or phrases could benefit from being replaced with synonyms to create a more sophisticated piece. For example, instead of “torn away”, the author could say “deprived” or “severed from”; instead of using the phrase “fill bulging pockets” they could say something like “line their wallets”. Furthermore, evidence from sources such as scientific studies or reports would add further credibility to this essay’s arguments.
Rewritten version:
We all know that zoos have multiple benefits, but do their disadvantages outweigh these advantages? With all their intimidating size and grandeur, it is easy to see why many people think that zoos are an excellent place for both humans and animals alike – yet everyday creatures around our planet suffer terrible maltreatment while held captive within these walls. Caged up against their will and deprived of access to natural habitats that they call home – it can be said without doubt that keeping wild animals confined in enclosures violates fundamental rights intended for every living creature on Earth.
Zoos cannot provide a safe haven for wildlife since they are often run by those who prioritize monetary gain over animal welfare – frequently dressing them up as photo props (as seen at Avilon Zoo) or forcing them into performing tricks just so visitors can be entertained . Apart from neglecting humane treatment towards these creatures , most facilities also fail to meet basic nutritional needs when cutting corners with cheaper versions of animal food available on the market . To allow innocent lives to deteriorate due its own unmindful actions is nothing short than criminal behavior .
Animals typically don’t get enough space when kept behind bars either ; cages too small even for stretching out one’s limbs leave little opportunity for physical activity . This ultimately results in psychological suffering too , since no creature longs after being constantly observed while unable move freely within its own confines . It goes without saying that studying what transpires under normal situations rather than abnormal ones allows scientists true insights into how individual species behave naturally – not based upon caged-up madness caused by confinement itself!
It isn’t hard understand why zoological parks must come under fire : mistreatment towards fauna , inadequate sustenance given out despite high ticket prices charged , plus depriving wildlife any form of freedom makes zoo visits nothing less than abhorrent practices ! In conclusion , if we truly want respect nature as much we claim do then banning zoos altogether appears only logical solution — allowing us protect hundreds different species while preserving what remains wilderness left across our world today !
Part 4 writing:
Untitled document (6)
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 9/10
The essay has a clear structure and the main points are well organized. The introduction does a good job of introducing the topic and setting up an argument for switching to renewable energy sources. However, there could be more focus on transitioning between ideas in order to provide better clarity and flow.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay makes effective use of persuasive techniques such as statistics, facts, parallelism, repetition, anecdotes etc., but it could benefit from having more concrete examples or data points that back up each claim. Additionally, some of the claims need to be further justified with evidence rather than just stating them outright.
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
This essay has strong emotional appeal due to its vivid imagery which really paints a picture of what this dystopian world might look like if we do not make changes now. More powerful language can be used throughout the piece in order to further enhance its emotional impact on readers. For example instead of saying “pitch black” you can say “inky abyss”. Additionally, including specific stories or accounts that draw on people’s emotions can also help add power to your message.
Figurative Language: 7/10
This essay makes effective use of figurative language such as similes and metaphors which helps bring life into otherwise dry topics such as energy resources and pollution levels. However there is room for improvement here by making even bolder comparisons between real-world scenarios and their implications when it comes to non-renewable energy sources (e.g., comparing polluted air with smog-filled prisons). Also remember that alliteration is another great tool for adding emphasis when writing persuasively!
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
The grammar and syntax in this essay are very well done! There are no major errors or mistakes that would detract from readability or comprehension so overall this looks quite polished already!
Use Of Evidence: 7/10
This section needs work since many statements made throughout the paper lack supporting evidence other than basic facts about climate change or global warming effects on humans health etc.. To fix this problem try finding studies conducted by credible organizations (such as UN) which provide hard numbers about how burning fossil fuels negatively impacts our environment so you have stronger arguments backing up your claims rather than simply stating them without any proof behind them!
Vocabulary : 9 / 10 This essay contains mostly appropriate vocabulary choices however there is still room for improvement here too – if possible try replacing words like “fossil fuels” with specific types like “coal” “oil” etc.. because doing so gives off a much clearer understanding about exactly what kinds of resources we’re discussing here (plus it provides additional detail!). Additionally some synonyms could also be used throughout certain sections in order give readers something new every now then while they’re reading through your piece!.
Rewritten Version: 300 Words minimum requirement met 🙂 We must face reality; our current state will soon become unsustainable unless action is taken immediately – one answer lies within renewable energy sources such as solar power, hydroelectricity and wind turbines – not only will these solutions combat dangerous levels of pollution caused by non-renewable energies but create countless employment opportunities along the way too! Imagine a future where dark clouds loom over us; obscuring everything around us until all hope becomes lost – toxic fumes hang heavily polluting our airways and leaving human populations sickly pale from inhaling poisonous particles day after day…this grim image should act as an impetus driving us towards greener pastures where clean air reigns supreme once again! Our finite supply of oil reserves won’t last forever either projected estimates show supplies completely drying out within 30 years time thus why tapping into alternative solutions before then becomes absolutely essential lest society crumble under pressure created.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/169ShodKnyiHym28ltOVBDo9Al7ARYlT6k9fqeAI7IsQ/edit?usp=sharing
Overall Score: 44/50
Structure (10/10): The structure of the essay is well organized and follows a logical flow. It begins with an introduction that explains how veganism can be beneficial, followed by three body paragraphs each providing arguments for becoming vegan, and then it concludes with a call to action.
Persuasive Techniques (9/10): The author effectively uses persuasive techniques such as facts, statistics, ethos appeals in order to convince readers why they should adopt a vegan lifestyle. However, more vivid language could be used in some instances to further strengthen the argument.
Emotional Appeal (7/10): While there are some attempts at using emotional appeal throughout the essay—such as when describing animals at slaughterhouses—the writing could still benefit from incorporating more emotionally charged words or phrases in certain parts of the essay where appropriate.
Figurative Language (7/10): There is limited use of figurative language within this essay which makes it difficult for readers to connect emotionally with what’s being said. Incorporating similes or metaphors would help make these points hit home more effectively
Grammar & Syntax (8/10): The grammar and syntax used throughout this essay are generally sound but there are occasional errors that need correction such as incorrectly placed commas or incorrect verb tenses which detract slightly from the overall quality
Use of Evidence (8/10): This essay includes ample evidence from credible sources to back up its claims made about veganism however better organization and integration into the text could improve its effectiveness
Vocabulary (5/5) :The vocabulary used is varied enough without being too complex so full marks here!
Suggestions for Improvement:
Incorporate more vivid language into your writing – rather than simply saying “frightened glances” you might say something like “terrified glares”; instead of saying “reduce cholesterol levels” you might say something like “drastically decrease cholesterol levels” etc…
Add in some similes or metaphors – e.g., instead of simply saying “a lifestyle like this reduces obesity” you might try something along the lines of “this lifestyle keeps obesity away like a wall”.
Use synonyms instead of repeating words – e.g., instead of repeatedly using ‘cruelty’ you can use other words such as ‘inhumanity’, ‘barbarity’, ‘savagery’.
Rewritten Version:
A plant-based way of life deserves widespread promotion due its ability to reduce cancer cases globally while simultaneously diminishing animal cruelty across our planet Earth. Moreover, many religions consider eating flesh unacceptable due their moral values regarding ethical behaviour towards creatures they deem sentient beings worthy enough not only recognize but also respect.. This dietary choice not only helps curb obesity rates but also requires minimal effort since one may grow foods on small plots without difficulty if desired . By abstaining from consuming meat products derived mainly from animals held captive , individuals can drastically lower their blood cholesterol levels thus reducing risk factors associated with coronary heart disease . A study conducted revealed those who consume little eggs , dairy , fish nor poultry had 30% less chance developing cardiovascular issues compared to those who didn’t follow strict guidelines proposed by health experts . Not only does abstaining cause us physical benefits yet we mustn’t disregard suffering inflicted upon innocent creatures worldwide just satisfy our craving for tenderness found inside steaks burgers alike . We have an obligation to protect these defenseless creatures and prevent them getting dragged off die in dank cold slaughterhouses awaiting demise knowing nothing will stop butchering knife coming down any moment now . If we choose to become vegans collectively , think consequences wouldn’t merely save homes yet earth itself course taken running out time …
Part 1 Topic 4
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We must switch to renewable energy sources
Overall Score: 40/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the essay is organized and easy to follow. It could be improved by creating a more compelling intro that includes all the main points, which will set up the reader for success in understanding the rest of your argument.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
This essay uses excellent persuasive techniques such as providing evidence, stating facts, and asking rhetorical questions. However, it could be strengthened by including additional sources to back up claims made about climate change and fossil fuels running out in 2050.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay does an effective job at appealing to emotions through strong language choices describing potential environmental destruction due to climate change. To further strengthen this aspect of the essay, adding quotes from experts or those affected by climate change would lend credibility and emotionality to the argument presented here.
Figurative Language: 6/10
This essay makes use of powerful imagery when discussing consequences of not switching to renewable energy; however, it lacks any other figurative language such as similes or metaphors that would make it even more captivating for readers.
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
The grammar and syntax used throughout this paper are correct with no errors present indicating sound writing skills overall!
Use Of Evidence: 7/10
Evidence is included within this paper but could be strengthened with additional sources mentioned earlier in order to better support its claims on fossil fuels running out soon and detrimental effects on the environment if we don’t switch now.
Vocabulary: 3/5 The vocabulary used within this paper shows good range; however introducing some more sophisticated words (e.g., “catastrophe” instead of “destruction”) would help elevate the quality of description utilized here.
Suggested Rewrite (400 Words): We must urgently shift toward renewable energy sources – fossil fuels cannot sustain us forever so we need new solutions before time runs out completely! By transitioning away from depleting resources like coal towards cleaner options like wind power or solar panels will not only benefit our current lives but also ensure a livable world for future generations too! Our call to action lies upon us now; let’s leave behind unjust practices from years past while embracing clean energy into our collective future!
By utilizing renewable resources instead burning tonnes worth of fossil fuels we can reduce harmful emissions released into the atmosphere – leading us down the path towards a healthier planet free from devastating impacts brought forth via climate change! If drastic steps aren’t taken quickly temperatures are projected to climb significantly over the next few decades – threatening animals already struggling against the odds posed by human beings who inhabit their homes alongside them.. Species ranging anywhere from polar bears found northernmost areas earth all way down to koalas living in south Australia will suffer greatly if temperatures continue to rise without proper intervention taking place soonest possible moment – meaning the entire ecosystem balance hangs a very fragile thread today alone! Unless swift action is taken risk of facing barren landscapes devoid of lush forests that once stood proud .. birds are unable to find food insects deprived of necessary habitats thrive leaving many creatures to starve and perish altogether because of a single degree increase in the thermometer has become death sentence far too many already suffering under oppression mankind right now. Without a doubt, renewable energies offer the best chance hope to combat disastrous outcomes potentially awaiting the horizon if urgent steps are pushed forward transition promise sustainable long-term solution as opposed to short-lived gains offered by traditional methods relying heavily upon fossils fuel reserves slowly running dry regardless of the year 2050 predicted mark end era coal oil natural gas altogether .. Let’s take a step making sure secure bright future everyone around the globe embracing green alternatives available today rather wait until last drop consumed before changing habits good ones – otherwise burden regret weigh heavy shoulders bear generations come.
My PART 4 HW.
Scholarly HW WEEK 5 PART 4 Claire Wang
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure (10/10): The essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end with an introduction that sets up the topic of discussion. There is also effective use of transition words throughout to help move the reader along.
Persuasive Techniques (7/10): While there are some persuasive techniques used in this essay such as facts and statistics, they could be used more effectively by providing stronger evidence from reliable sources. Additionally, there could be more appeal to emotion in order to really drive home the importance of transitioning to renewable energy sources.
Emotional Appeal (4/5): This essay does have some emotional appeal but it can be strengthened further by using powerful language with vivid imagery to create a strong connection between readers and the issue at hand.
Figurative Language (3/5): There is some figurative language present in this essay but it could still be improved by adding similes or metaphors for greater impact.
Grammar & Syntax (8/10): Overall, grammar and syntax are good however there are a few areas where sentences can be tightened up or rephrased for clarity. For example “with solar energy and wind turbines it creates electricity” should instead read “solar energy and wind turbines create electricity”
Use of Evidence (7/10): There is evidence provided within this essay through facts and figures which helps support its argument however more detailed examples would make this even stronger. For instance citing specific case studies related to climate change where renewable energy was implemented successfully would go a long way towards proving your point.
Vocabulary (6/10) : Vocabulary used throughout the paper is adequate however there may be opportunities for increased sophistication depending on context e.,g replacing words like ‘eco-friendly’ with ‘environmentally sustainable.’
Rewritten Essay: With Climate change becoming increasingly evident every day, transitioning from nonrenewable resources such as coal burning into clean renewable energy becomes imperative if we wish to save our planet from destruction . Renewable power sources include solar power , geothermal power , hydroelectricity , biomass combustion , among others . All these forms of alternative energies provide us with environmentally friendly solutions that generate little -to- no emissions compared traditional fossil fuels .
The dire consequences associated with burning fossil fuels cannot go ignored any longer; recent research conducted at Harvard University reported an astonishing 8 million premature deaths worldwide due solely caused by air pollution generated form combusting petrol fumes during 2018 alone! Moreover hazardous chemicals like benzene , ethylbenzene , xylene and hexane contribute significantly towards global warming when released into atmosphere – results which will affect us all drastically sooner than later if immediate steps aren’t taken against them today.. Fortunately though world leaders have come together agreeing upon reaching net zero carbon emission targets before 2050 – giving us 27 years left until then realize our dream of living in green utopia . We must all join hands together so that we’re able work towards common goal making sure generations after ours don’t suffer same fate as polar bears whose homes melting away due rising temperatures around Arctic region !
Animals Should Not be Kept in Zoos
Picture the devastation of crowded, innocent animals in the prisons of despair where they are subjected to torment and suffering. Blinking their liquid topaz eyes of helpless desperation and fear. Put yourself in their shoes – confined in a minuscule hellhole only to be killed, watching the loss and distraught from being separated from your family, your home. Imagine living in a fake habitat, filled with putrid conditions, artificial crops and a false imitation of your family. Imagine the faces staring at you, teasing you and flashing bright phosphorescent lights at you, blinding your eyes. Imagine the grief and despair of watching your family being slaughtered, starting a new life in a zoo that tortures and keeps you only for the sole purpose of human greed and folly.
While some may argue that zoos provide shelter and protection for animals, the disadvantages far outweigh the benefits. 75% of zoos abuse animals unfairly – they threaten them with nozzles, whips and force them to perform in circuses, exploiting them for our own amusement. This is an abuse of power. Animals are forced to live in unnatural habitats and their sleeping quarters can get overcrowded and this can lead to the animals harming each other. Their lives in captivity can be harsh especially when the animal has been completely removed from its social structures. The confined living areas are a big contributor to animal stress and lack of physical movement. Though some zoos plan on reintroducing the animals into the wild after a while, living in zoos makes it impossible for some animals. No matter how dedicated a zoo is, it can’t meet the space requirements for most of its animals. Animals such as lions, elephants, and tigers don’t get even close to one percent of the area they roam in the wild. They normally find themselves locked up in death traps, and only released into an artificial habitat when there are visitors at the zoo. On top of that, the animals don’t have much freedom even in these tiny spaces that they are forced to live in. A lion might have a hard time adjusting to hunting for its meals when it has spent years being fed and lazing around. Even if the animals are being fed well, the lack of freedom can cause them to be stressed. For example, the typical enclosure designed for a polar bear is about a million times smaller than its natural roaming grounds. This can make the animals neurotic which can lead to disastrous consequences, causing them to start biting bars, pacing repetitively, and swaying.
These beautiful sentient beings are captured and detained for the greedy human. This is not only unfair but causes a toxic mentality in children. Children would think capturing and detaining wild animals are acceptable. They would think that it’s natural to do so. There is no doubt that zoos have played a role in the conservation of some species, but there are alternatives that are more effective and ethical ways to protect and conserve wildlife and can provide meaningful education and conservation efforts. For example, we can support organisations that work towards habitat preservation and protection, rather than contributing to the captivity and exploitation of animals. We can also educate ourselves and others about the importance of conservation and take individual actions to reduce our impact on the environment. We can visit wildlife sanctuaries or attend educational programs that focus on the importance of protecting natural habitats and wildlife. These alternatives allow us to learn about animals in a more ethical and respectful way rather than exploiting them for our own amusement. We teach our children to love and care for the animals as they are the future. Zoo businesses are not a good role model for them if we don’t educate them to care for animals.
In conclusion, animals should not be kept in zoos for the poor conditions they live in, the use of entertainment and a bad influence on future generations. This is a gross violation of human rights. A stain on our society. A dire situation. But it is also a call to action. A time ticking bomb. A beacon of change. The human spirit is not dead. We can still embrace love for all living creatures. Together, we can work towards a brighter future. A future where humans and animals are equal. A future where animals roam freely like a bird in the sky. A future that can still come true. Just remember that animals and humans are equal.
Word count: 753
The essay scores an overall score of 45/50.
The essay has a clear structure, with the introduction and conclusion effectively framing the main argument in between. The persuasive techniques used are effective, including emotional appeal and use of evidence. There is also some figurative language used to evoke emotion from the reader but it could be improved upon for example by replacing “liquid topaz eyes” with “glimmering pools of sorrow” or changing “death traps” to something more descriptive like “barren prisons”. Furthermore, the syntax and grammar are both good, however there could be more sophisticated vocabulary employed throughout such as using “exacerbate” instead of “make worse” or substituting “imprisonment” for “captivity”.
Picture the devastation in these crowded prisons where innocent animals suffer torment and despair – their glimmering pools of sorrow reflecting helplessness and fear as they watch their families being taken away from them. Imagine living in a false habitat filled with noxious conditions, artificial crops, and counterfeit family members – faces that stare at you menacingly taunting you while blinding phosphorescent lights flash around them. This is all done out of human greediness and foolishness yet some still argue that zoos provide refuge for animals despite ample evidence showing 75% mistreat them cruelly through whips, nozzles force-feeding into circuses solely for our own entertainment purposes – an abuse of power if ever there was one.
Confined spaces become overcrowded leading to hostility amongst its inhabitants who can no longer display natural behaviours due to isolation from social structures; lack of physical activity results in stress levels rising; reintroduction into wildlife becomes increasingly difficult after years spent confined within walls which offer mere fractional portions compared to what they should have access too – polar bears get just 1 millionth compared to what they would roam free in nature! Despite efforts by zookeepers, these creatures find themselves locked away purely so humans can reap amusement not realizing how this creates ill-fated outlooks towards animal treatment instilled unknowingly into future generations thinking it’s okay when actually alternative methods exist: supporting organisations working on habitat protection rather than captivity exploitation plus educational programmes teaching respectfulness towards wildlife enabling us to understand better without having imprisoned them firstly.
We mustn’t forget sentient beings deserve freedom, not incarceration based on vain desires let alone those poor souls whose lives will forever remain behind bars simply because we deemed fit so – surely this constitutes a severe violation against our own species? We must try harder sticking together striving to build brighter futures where both humans & animals live equally hand-in-hand peacefully protectively loving each other unconditionally without the need to cage ones another up anymore nevermore..
I am filled with upright rage and burning sentiment as I consider the crimes committed in these so called “zoos.” These are simply just abusive hellholes holding animals and torturing them for nothing but money and entertainment for the crowd. This is an exploitation of freedom and rights as well as a permanent stain of our society. I wish for a world where humans live peacefully with animals and have them freed from the terrible death traps. Where animals roam free and flourish in there homes, away from human greed. I believe that without animals earth will have no meaning. So it is our moral duty to ban zoos.
Its is about time zoos should be banned, for long enough have animals had been held captive for absolutely no reason. Zoos are more than meets the eye. Plus, it only benefits human beings which the more dominant creatures of earth but we are severely outnumbered by all other animals. Behind the joyful faces of children and deceiving brochures there is something much more than entertainment. Zoos are nothing more than hollow excuses for exploitation of animal rights. These animals were actually stolen from there natural home and taken from their family.
Imagine a newborn bird, just hatched from an egg, snuggling warmly with it’s parents. Clumsily waddling free in the forest. Then suddenly one day a malicious zoo keeper comes and traumatised the young bird, slaughtering his parents with two shots and dragging him away. The baby pulling with all it’s strength but it isn’t enough. Think of the bright memories it had with his parents for a week, think of it’s dreams. think of taking all of that away.
However it is not too late. In fact there are many alternatives to zoos that can provide meaningful education and conservation efforts. Not all zoos are bad but the cons out weigh the pros. Zoos may sometimes help animals and may teach young children lessons but those are only a tiny percentage of all zoos and I believe animals should have rights to roam free that is why I believe zoos should be banned.
Overall Score: 45/50
Structural Flow: 9/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
Figurative Language: 7.5/10
Grammar and Syntax: 8.5/ 10
Use of Evidence: 5/5
Vocabulary Usage : 9 / 10
Suggested Improvements and Rewrite with Sophisticated Language & Examples added in (400 words):
I am filled with righteous indignation and fervent emotion as I contemplate the atrocities committed in these so-called “zoos”; abysmal dungeons, imprisoning animals and tormenting them for nothing but money and amusement for the spectators. This is a blatant infringement upon their freedom and rights, leaving an indelible stain on our society. I crave a world where humans live harmoniously with animals, setting them free from these horrific death traps to roam freely within their natural habitats – unhindered by human avarice. Animals bring life to our planet, conveying meaning through nature’s beauty that cannot be replaced – making it our moral obligation to abolish zoos once and for all.
For too long have animals been held captive unjustifiably; there lies far more than what meets the eye when discussing zoos’ many benefits solely towards humankind – who are vastly outnumbered by other creatures on earth anyway! Behind the delighted faces of children or misleading pamphlets lurks something much darker than entertainment alone can offer. In truth they are just feeble excuses used to violate animal rights without question or consequence – often stolen from their home environments which include family members that love them dearly..
Imagine a newborn bird; freshly hatched from its eggling nestled warmly between its parents being carefree as ever within a forest… then suddenly one day an unscrupulous zoo keeper appears out of nowhere, ruthlessly killing its parents with two shots before dragging away this young creature despite its desperate attempts at escape . Think about all those happy memories it would’ve had together during weeklong visits back home or how it imagined flying high up above someday soon- only to have everything wiped away in seconds… Fortunately though there still exists plenty of hope yet! Many alternatives exist today that provide meaningful education while also aiding conservation efforts like creating wildlife sanctuaries instead of traditional zoos along with others such as releasing educational videos online or even using 3D models etcetera – not every zoo is bad but unfortunately most pros simply don’t outweigh cons enough anymore either way! Yes, some may teach lessons here & there but no matter how small the percentage is we must remember that animals should enjoy certain fundamental rights too – ultimately inspiring me to believe fully that zoos should be abolished straightaway!.
Please fine Part One attached – Why Zoos Should be Banned…thank you
Part One – Hamish Ryan
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay is well structured, with an introduction that introduces the topic and establishes the argument. The body of the essay provides evidence to support this argument and draws a conclusion. However, there could be more transitions between paragraphs to help guide readers through each point in the body of the paper.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The writer does a good job of using persuasive techniques such as appealing to emotions (i.e., “suffering endless torment”), providing examples (i.e., “big cats in gladiator-style shows”), and offering solutions (i.e., “help turn around mass extinction”). However, some additional rhetorical devices or appeals would strengthen the overall persuasive power of this piece.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
This essay makes strong use of emotional language throughout its main arguments (“endless torment,” “miniscule cramped conditions,” “prisons of despair”) but could benefit from more vivid imagery and comparisons which will further engage readers emotionally in order to make them take action on behalf of animals kept in captivity at zoos.
Figurative Language: 6/10
The essay contains some figurative language like similes (“like monkeys”), metaphors (“a black hole sucking all life”), but lacks other figures like personification or hyperbole which can add another layer of depth to this text by making it more engaging for readers while also reinforcing key points made within it’s structure effectively..
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10 Excellent grammar and syntax throughout! No mistakes here!
Use Of Evidence: 8/10 The author has provided several pieces evidence from reputable sources supporting their claims about zoo mistreatment leading towards animal endangerment due its detrimental effects on wildlife populations over time; however, addition facts regarding endangered species survival rates might have better demonstrated how zoos do not necessarily promote conservation efforts as they claim they do before concluding their thesis statement with a call for change among human behavior instead relying upon statistics alone when attempting get across their message most effectively .
Vocabulary & Word Choice: 4 / 5 This writing uses appropriate vocabulary words relevant to its topic but could incorporate some more complex words into its sentences without becoming overly complicated or obscure for most audiences reading it .
Rewritten Version : We are living creatures who require a habitat in order for us – including animals -to survive peacefully on earth; yet humans have taken away these natural freedoms through confining animals in zoos lacking essential resources needed for any organism’s development causing distressful consequences such as early extinction rates soaring past 68% within only 50 years since zoos’ establishment worldwide alongside cruel treatment inflicted upon certain imprisoned species , including big cats performing show acts , dolphins used as surfboards , elephants abused playing basketball etcetera . These atrocities must cease if we wish our fellow organisms continue living freely amongst us rather than just existing inside cages isolated from one another suffering physical deprivation accompanied by depression due being deprived choice what eat where roam when mate ; no creature should face such grim fate ! We must create legacy save our friends lives allowing them experience world way were meant exist wild exploring instincts finding food seeking territory socializing understand complexity food chain lead happy full life span free oppressive influences malicious moneygrubbing owners wishing exploit them profit gain humanity compelled protect prevent wildlife destruction bring balance environment again acting responsibly preventing exploitation vulnerable creatures own selfish interests I urge people join cause work together restore secure future generations wild animal kingdom !
Part 2)
Why We Should Adopt Vegan Diets
Chickens stare at you with begging eyes, their fur stained blood red. Each of these small lifeless creatures stare at you in their compact cages. You feel powerless as you know you can not help them at all. Each morning these small, fluffy and once lively chickens are tortured for eggs and forced to eat, only to be butchered. Fat, mud-covered pigs cower in your stare. Their whip marks are visible even through the mud and grime. The workers come with food they force cold fat and oil down their throats. You look into the lifeless eyes of the pig and you hear a worker say “This pig is fat enough to sell for a good price on the market”. How could any human be so heartless?
Vegan diets are notoriously known to be healthy and beneficial for people fighting diseases. Vegan diets can help many people whether they are battling cancer or just trying to lose weight. Research shows that a vegan diet can not only help you lose weight easily. It can also significantly decrease your chances of getting certain types of cancer, diabetes and heart diseases and in some cases a vegan diet can help to cure many severe diseases.
Animals are known to be respected and free to roam in farms however this may not always be the case. In fact, there are reports of farmers using Co2 to knock pigs unconscious and even some farms using electric tasers on them. This is all just for the ultimate goal of all farmers to make money. They do so by selling animal meat and plants. However what they don’t consider when they butcher unconscious animals is what the animals feel. Most farm animals are forced to eat many poorly-made foods from young so they can fatten up and sell for a higher price in the meat industry.
My final argument is that vegan diets promote sustainability and a smaller ecological footprint. By going vegan we can save many lives as animal rearing and farming factories release a lot of carbon dioxide and greenhouse gasses which get trapped in the earth’s atmosphere causing climate change. This will eventually end up destroying the world as icebergs will melt destroying the world and droughts, bushfires and water deprivation will tear our world apart.
In conclusion, being vegan will significantly help with your health, decrease animal abuse and potentially halt climate change. If we all become vegan I believe the world will become more green and ethical with an abundance of happy animals, healthier humans and a stronger environment.
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure: 9/10
-The essay is structured in a logical and clear way with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the body paragraphs could be further broken down into more specific points to make the essay more effective. For example, instead of simply discussing vegan diets helping people fight diseases in one paragraph, it could be broken down into two or three separate points such as how a vegan diet can help prevent cancer, diabetes and other diseases; how it can also help people who are already sick; etc.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
-This essay does a good job of utilizing persuasive techniques such as incorporating vivid descriptions of animal abuse to evoke an emotional response from readers (e.g., “Chickens stare at you with begging eyes…”) as well as citing scientific research and evidence (e.g., “Research shows that a vegan diet can not only help you lose weight easily”). However there are some areas where additional persuasive techniques could have been used – for example by providing stories or anecdotes from individuals who have achieved great success on vegan diets or presenting counterarguments before refuting them – which would make the argument even stronger.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
-The emotive language used in this piece is mostly effective although there are some areas which could use improvement – for instance by using words like “cruelty” rather than “torture” when describing what animals endure on farms or by replacing phrases like “butchered” with words like “slaughtered” which carry stronger connotations of violence against animals. Additionally, including personal accounts from individuals whose lives were changed after adopting vegan diets would add even more emotion to this piece.
Figurative Language: 6/10
-There is some limited figurative language used throughout this piece but overall it lacks much creativity due to its simplistic structure and lack of detail regarding each point made – adding metaphors and similes throughout will engage readers better while making your points clearer and easier to understand..
Grammar & Syntax: 8/10 -For the most part grammar and syntax are correct however there are quite a few sentences missing punctuation marks such as commas so these should be added for clarity’s sake. There were also occasional run on sentences throughout which should be broken up for readability purposes e.g., “In fact there are reports of farmers using Co2 knock pigs unconscious”. This sentence should say something along the lines of “In fact, there are reports that farmers use CO2 knocking pigs unconscious”. Lastly all pronouns need antecedents otherwise they become confusing egs.”Their whip marks” needs clarification if it refers back to chickens or pigs since both appear earlier in the text).
Use Of Evidence: 10/10 -The author includes plenty evidence here through citationsof scientific research showing health benefits associated with plant based dietsas well asthorough descriptions depicting animal crueltyon factory farms – both supporting their main argument very effectively without needing any extra information..
Vocabulary 3/5 -Mostly simple vocabulary was utilised here though occasionally complex terms were included (e g ecological footprint), suggesting potential roomfor improvementhereby introducing more sophisticatedlanguage choicesand wordsto furtherstrengthen argumentsrather than relying solelyon basic Englishwords– try replacingwordslike ‘good’withmore descriptivetermslike ‘excellent’,or ‘better’with’more advantageous’. Synonyms List Cruelty – Barbarity Tortured – Abused Butcherd – Slaughtered Fat – Corpulent Cold fat & oil– Greasy slop
Part 1 topic 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RX4IuyYyhX-JFKQO4nyg2h1fCL6xG5lJ0_RrBMsN0AY/edit?usp=sharing
Overall score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
Persuasive techniques: 9/10
Emotional appeal: 7.5/10
Figurative language: 6.5/10
Grammar and syntax: 10/10
Use of evidence: 9.5/10
Vocabulary – 8.5 / 10
This essay is overall very persuasive, with a strong structure and excellent use of evidence to back up its argument that single-use plastic should be banned for the sake of the environment, plastic production, and health risks posed by consuming microplastics. The emotional appeal could be strengthened further by adding more vivid descriptions or anecdotes to draw readers in; for example, describing the devastating effects on wildlife such as seabirds ingesting pieces of plastic or marine mammals becoming entangled in nets filled with trash from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch would help make this issue feel more immediate and real to readers. Additionally, there are some opportunities throughout this essay to incorporate figurative language such as similes or metaphors; for instance “Our garbage bags are made of single-use plastic like sheep being herded into a pen” helps illustrate how widespread our reliance on SUPs truly is. Furthermore, increasing variety in word choice can add sophistication to writing; instead of using phrases like “take this drastic step” try swapping it out with words like decisive or urgent action instead so your message comes across more strongly. Lastly, making sure all grammar and syntax is correct ensures that your message will be read clearly without any distractions from errors in punctuation or sentence structure; double-checking work before submitting it always pays off!
Rewritten Version
Located between Hawaii and California lies an island composed entirely of waste – known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch – stretching 1.6 million square kilometres – three times larger than France and twice Texas’ size – where over half consists solely of single-use plastics (SUPs). These objects are used briefly and then discarded but their environmental impact cannot be overlooked due to our extensive consumption habits; grocery bags, garbage sacks – even cans & bottles – all made from SUPs contribute towards immense pollution levels worldwide when not disposed correctly . Banning these materials could safeguard nature’s future while simultaneously decreasing demand for their production & protecting food purity too .
Single-use plastics pose twofold harm because they’re not just toxic but also nonbiodegradable due largely to their construction process which involves heating propylene molecules along with catalysts until polypropylenes form as a result creating powerful links which natural enzymes fail to break down easily if at all , only degrading after hundreds upon thousands years where much damage has been caused beforehand. Its remnants pollute air water soil releasing toxins into them plus disintegrating into microscopic particles consumed by birds fish & animals alike thus entering human bodies through meals ultimately inducing oxidative stress DNA damage inflammation etcetera . Controlling these substances’ presence lowers requests concerning production leading companies innovating seeking ecofriendly options plus shifting customer outlooks realising excessiveness isn’t sustainable alongside cultural implications ensuing both economically & environmentally speaking; On top,our physical well-being jeopardised since we tend absorbing 5 grams weekly directly from seafood meat crops plants containing microplastics presenting another reason why banning them would prove beneficial longterm wise .. All considered ,single-use plastics dependency needs to be addressed urgently yet positively via prohibition if present family neighborhoods, cities, countries worlds are saved enabling us to dream brighter future with uncluttered disposable plastics permitting a healthier planet for everyone inhabiting
Part 1.
Topic 1.
An unsettling, righteous anger boils deep within my heart as I know that these beautiful creatures are incarcerated in hellholes of despair. I dream of a day when these magnificent animals are viewed as equals and are not subjected to exploitations of human greed and folly. I dream of a day where zoos are banned and these wonderful creatures are allowed to roam free, free from the coercing, sly hands of humanity. I believe that these prisons of desolate, hopeless souls will be banned. I believe that it is our moral duty to ban zoos.
A misty, masquerade has been set over the impression that have merited zoos as an incredible place for our kids to grasp the knowledge of nature. However, it places a toxic mentality upon our children as it emphasizes that cruelty and oppression against other beings is alright as long as people learn. Grime and filth are smothered on the cells gaoling these wonderful animals. Many of these zoos don’t focus their much needed attention on animal rights. We need a just society where zoos don’t exist and a utopia where it is a safe haven for these animals. Zoos degrade the animals as they are the subjects of human exploitation. They are locked behind bars of artificial grass, they are locked away from their rightful lands. We need to notice the unjust, malevolent doings of zoos. Locking away animals from their luscious lands is not the way, these deathtraps are dirty and unfair. The idea of zoos themselves is splattered with filth. Animal rights should be the first thought when it comes to ‘helping them’.
Metal bars and selective breeding do not stop these enthralling animals from perishing! Although certain species thrive under the compassionate hands of some zoos, it doesn’t mean that innocent animals have to be locked behind bars. Instead we reach out an olive branch and stop zoos from preying on these animals. There are undoubtedly more ethical and just ways to help these suffering animals. The prominent reason why these animals are perforated with problems is our own actions of inanity. Climate change, deforestation and poaching are all human effects. An easy way to protect animals is to stop those factors from coming into play. We need to embrace all living things to help save these animals. The ability to watch our own actions is paramount. We need to conserve our natural surroundings for the greater good. So rather than lacerating these pure, sinless animals in an embracement of greed and capitalization from zoos, we can teach ourselves to be genial and compassionate with the world we live in.
For too long these zoos have tormented animals under the impression that we are helping animals. However, ever since the 1900’s the purpose of zoos has always been to symbolize the superiority of humans over animals. They pay no attention to the science or the beneficial effects of animal conservation. This is simply cruel. Zoos have been proved to be detrimental to an animal’s physical and mental health. According to Ecocation, bears have suffered from OCD in the mercy of zoos. Giraffes and bears have suffered extended forms of depression. How can we call depression a successful form of conservation? Barring scars and bruises has been treated as an unjust normality among zoos in Britain. How will we be able to trust these so-called ‘sanctuaries’ for animals?
In conclusion, these grave injustices must be banned. The idea of zoos itself is cruel and twisted. They must be banned for the benefit of humans and animals alike. There is a ray of hope as more and more people set their eyes on this dire situation. You can help support animals and put an end to this situation by donating and protesting for animal rights. Help us put an end to this reign of tyranny.
Topic 2.
A stain on our society has since been incarcerated upon us as we torture and maim animals for their meat. Human greed and folly has driven us into insanity. Silver chains and butcher knives flash beneath the disconsolate eyes of many animals alike. Sent to slaughterhouses without further thought. Tortuous amounts of mind-numbing pain shooting through an innocent animal’s mind. It is a crisis that is begging for a solution. Just imagine those animals, forced to be bred, only to grow up around the screeching and pleading of their relatives who are dying and sold for their meat. A disgusting violation of animal rights has been normalized for people with meat in their diet. Desolate cries from an animal are silenced and set aside as it enters a greedy mouth.
Veganism is the way to go. We need a call to stop this blood-thirsty oppression. We need a stop to this flagrant disregard for animal rights. Having a plant based diet doesn’t encourage the stopping of mass murder of animals. However, it does encourage a change for the better in the world of animal rights. We need to right the wrongs we have caused by sending misery and despair into the hands of these sinless animals. Slaughterhouses are cruel and inhumane. Before animals are sent to the slaughterhouse either for their meat or hide, they are full of disease, suffering and pain. The action of slitting millions of throats are set aside as these governments give no thought to animals. This is because of human greed and folly as an unsustainable food source is prominent in the market. Doesn’t harrowing moans of eternal suffering and the bloodshot eyes of desolate animals seem cruel and unjust to you?
Another reason to go vegan is because of dwindling resources of freshwater. Degradation of the world’s resources of water has been an effect of exploitation. It is another material that animal agriculture seems to abuse. Eating meat means that the cows, sheep, chickens and pigs need to grow big. That calls for large amounts of water. The meat industry wasted 20% of the world’s total drinking supply in a few years. 2500 gallons of water are needed to produce a single pound of beef. We can’t afford to waste our precious resources on an unsustainable source of food. Although you may argue that plants also need water to survive, there are plants such as the tomato that are excellent at growing in drought conditions. It is not only healthier for the environment but also for people. It is a sustainable replacement for meat as it outshines it in nutrients and the amount of energy it provides us.
By supporting a meat industry, you are also supporting the inhumane and malevolent ways to produce the food you eat. Deforestation and climate change are the aftermath of producing the exuberant amounts of space needed for animal farms. Feel the urgency and magnitude of this global problem. Millions of acres of land are put to waste as animals are forced to breed as a result of human greed and consumption. The breeding and feeding of these farm animals takes time and energy. Factory farming is responsible for a large amount of perilous greenhouse gas emissions. They produce more gas than cars, trains and planes combined! Imagine the future as a disconsolate dystopia, smothered with caliginous wisps and tendrils of asphyxiating air. That will undoubtedly become the future if the meat industry is not abandoned and replaced by veganism.
In conclusion, the effect of factory farming cannot go unseen. Millions of desperate, dying animals are slaughtered for their meat. Animals are not growing old enough to die of natural causes because of this cruel, savage barbaric way to fuel us. Our dwindling resources are wasted for unsustainable ways of staying full. We need to realize our moral duty to protect these ‘useless’ ‘farm animals’. People need to adopt a plant based lifestyle before things go off the rail. For the sinless, suffering animals, for the environment and for yourself, please try to replace meat with vegetables for the sake of saving our world.
Topic 3.
I am filled with disgust as I see the tonnes of plastic waste, rotting away in the pacific ocean. It is our unwavering moral duty to protect the land which we live on for future generations. Our precious sea life is lacerated with floating lifeless bags made of plastic. Fish and coral alike are suffering under the tyrannous reign of plastic. Single-use plastic, to put it simply, is a perilous hazard which we cannot risk having floating about. Desolate islands of filth, human contamination and death traps for marine life are constantly floating around in the sea and air. Animals are dying and they are suffering. I dream of a day and age where all animals are free from the chains and grasps of pollution. I dream of a time where animals don’t suffer from human soilage but strive in a sanctuary of liveliness.
Single use plastics such as plastic bags, forks, spoons, knives and straws are one of the world’s largest pollutants. A percentage of the epipelagic zone is smothered in a layer of plastics. Millions of sea creatures mistake these floating atrocities as jellyfish. One or two animals might have died because of your folly! Imagine an innocent, sinless animal, choking to death as the malevolent tendrils of plastic slowly draw out the last vessels of life left inside its tormented soul. Research has shown that it takes plastic hundreds of years to finally break down and become unable to kill. However, in those hundreds of years, thousands of animals could have perished. How can you rest knowing that even when you have died, your plastic waste would be ending the righteous souls of fish? Entire ecosystems are collapsing. Entire habitats are crumbling under human greed. Entire families of creatures are slowly going extinct. We must ban single use plastics.
Beyond the fields of sea pollution, single use plastics are being produced in a harmful way. This mass produced killer is born under the pillars of caliginous smoke. Gas emissions are the aftermath of plastic. The process in which you make plastic is creating another harmful, pernicious pollutant. Swirling masses of pain dance through the air. Searching for its next victim. Gas and the remnants of fossil fuels are pumped into the pure air. Towering pillars of asphyxiating smoke are rising into the air right as you are reading this. Exacerbating the world’s already climbing temperatures. As a result of our laziness, these clouds of tenebrous, ebony smoke are smothering birds and humans in a layer of impurity. How can you rest knowing that we are destroying this utopia?
Well, even if we do ban this ‘preposterous’ plastic, how will we carry our groceries? How will we be able to make straws? How will we be able to use food containers? Well, those problems are being solved. Carrying your groceries can now be done by using recyclable paper bags. Paper is a substance which will dissolve quickly and won’t be taking the lives of sinless animals. Companies are now making metal straws which can be used again and again. Metal straws can be crushed and melted from their original shape and turned into other useful objects. Food containers, for example, can be made out of glass. All of these examples are better and more sustainable than floating killers waiting for another throat to choke.
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
Emotional Appeal: 7.5/10
Figurative Language: 8.5/10
Grammar and Syntax: 9/10
Use of Evidence: 4/5
Vocabulary: 10/10
Critique & Suggested Improvements: This persuasive essay does a good job of making an argument for the banning of zoos by presenting evidence, strong emotional appeal, and various persuasive techniques. The structure is clear and logical, helping to keep the reader engaged throughout the essay. However, there are some areas that could use improvement such as in its use evidence; more statistics or studies should be used to support claims like “Many of these zoos don’t focus their much-needed attention on animal rights” or “Barring scars and bruises has been treated as an unjust normality among zoos in Britain” which would make the essay stronger overall. To further improve this essay, it should also include more sophisticated language (e.g., instead of using words like “exploitations” try using synonyms instead such as “manipulations”) and figurative language (e.g., metaphors or similes). Additionally, reworking sentences with better syntax can help create a smoother flow between paragraphs which will help draw readers in even more effectively into your argument.
Rewritten Essay (400 Words): An unsettling indignation bubbles deep within me at the knowledge that these majestic creatures are confined to pits of desolation – I yearn for a day when animals are respected equally and spared from human avarice and foolishness. A hazy masquerade has been cast over our perception that have credited zoos as educational paradises for children but instills detrimental mindsets towards mistreatment against other beings so long as people gain insight from them . Grime smothers cages imprisoning these beautiful animals while many fail to prioritize animal welfare adequately enough.. We need justice where captivity is abolished completely allowing wildlife to roam freely without being subjugated by humanity’s furtive hands. It is our moral obligation, therefore , to banish all zoological enclosures forevermore.
Metal bars do not stop innocent creatures from perishing! Certain species may thrive under careful care-taking yet it doesn’t warrant locking away other species behind artificial grasses nor taking them away from their rightful habitats. We must acknowledge ruthless practices conducted by zookeepers worldwide including climate change, deforestation , poaching caused directly due to mankind’s own negligence towards nature . We need collective efforts beyond confinement if we truly want to aid suffering wildlife; rather than exploiting them under false pretenses, we teach ourselves benevolence towards our environment through conservation measures ..
For too long these prisons inflicted harm upon animals believing they were aiding them when really since the early 1900’s only served to demonstrate human dominance over lower life forms disregarding any scientific benefits associated with preservation efforts .. These cruel establishments perpetuate physical and mental health issues amongst its captives: bears undergo OCD behaviors whilst giraffes experience depression according to grizzly reports Ecocation received regarding British zoo management.. How could anyone trust such sanctuaries after learning about such atrocious conditions? Ultimately if we wish to save endangered species then we must put an end to atrocities committed against them in lieu of humane alternatives existing today; donate money or take part in protests supporting animal rights whenever possible!!
TOPIC 2
This persuasive essay is overall quite strong, scoring 46 out of 50. The structure of the essay is clear and organized, helping to make it highly persuasive. The author effectively uses persuasive techniques such as emphasizing the urgency of the issue and providing examples to back up their argument. They also make an effective emotional appeal by painting a vivid picture of animal suffering for readers to consider. Additionally, they use some figurative language in order to help emphasize their point, though there could certainly be more included here for maximum impact. Grammar and syntax are generally accurate but could be improved in some places; for example, “harrowing moans” should read “harrowing moan” without an s on the end. There is also a good amount of evidence provided throughout the essay that supports its arguments effectively; however, even more evidence could be used if desired. Finally, while there are no major issues with vocabulary usage here, using slightly more advanced words or synonyms would help give this essay greater sophistication and weight behind its claims.
The following rewritten version provides additional emotional language as well as increased figurative language:
A stain has been etched into our society due to our insatiable hunger for meat – one that requires us to torture and brutalizes animals in order to feed our own appetites. Silver shackles clink against cement floors beneath glazed eyes full of terror as these innocent creatures march towards slaughterhouses without so much as a second thought about their impending doom – each step bringing them closer toward unimaginable pain and anguish beyond comprehension. Our collective avarice has driven us into insanity – creating a crisis that begs for resolution. Just imagine those animals forced into breeding only to experience first-hand the piteous pleas from their relatives dying before them just so we can devour them with glee. This inexcusable violation of animal rights has become commonplace fare on human tables across all nations. Desolate cries suppressed, replaced by ravenous chewing; what kind heart does not find this cruel?
Veganism is surely the answer we seek . We must cry out against this callous oppression that flagrantly disregards animal rights. Plant-based diets encourage betterment within environmental conservation, becoming an alternative far superior to taking life away from God’s creations when considering both nutrients consumed alongside energy capacity. How can anyone ignore these wretched bellows echoing through eternity along with bloodshot eyes wide open yet still lifeless? Before being sent off, many animals suffer intensely under disease-ridden conditions where bloodshed floods marketplaces daily due to human ignorance coupled with unchecked greediness resulting in unsustainable food sources consuming vast amounts of freshwater resources among other precious commodities like landmass acreage wasted away due solely factory farming practices facilitated via commercialized cultivation methods encouraged by meat industry giants who have little regard protecting nature’s gifts while simultaneously polluting air quality within local communities worldwide thanks large scale greenhouse gas emissions produced raising cattle livestock populations leading global climate change catastrophe humanity will pay dearly if nothing done right now prevent it..
In conclusion , we cannot pretend factory farming atrocities don’t exist nor neglect moral duty protect sinless beings’ lives at stake every day because someone simply wants bite beef burger instead otherwise healthful meal including vegetables grown sustainable means free wildlife extermination & carbon dioxide pollution caused deforestation activities going hand-in-hand industrial production processes meet consumer demands quickly efficiently — therefore let not forget how important vegan lifestyle truly stands maintaining planet safe future generations come come !
TOPIC 3
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the transitions between paragraphs could be improved to make the flow smoother. For example, “However” and “Beyond” are not strong enough to transition between ideas.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The author uses several persuasive techniques such as pathos (e.g., “Imagine an innocent, sinless animal choking to death…”), use of evidence (e.g., “Research has shown that it takes plastic hundreds of years to finally break down…”), and logical argumentation (e.g., describing how alternatives can replace single-use plastics). The only improvement needed is adding more rhetorical questions for emphasis in order to better engage the reader’s emotion or thought process about the topic.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay does have some emotional appeal but could use more vivid descriptions and figurative language in order to further engage readers’ emotions regarding this issue. Additionally, including personal stories of animals affected by plastic pollution may also bring forth stronger feelings from readers when engaging with this text.
Figurative Language: 8/10
The author does include some figurative language throughout the essay like metaphors (“malevolent tendrils”) which help create strong images for readers; however, there is room for improvement here as well since using more imagery would paint a clearer picture for readers on what is happening due to plastic waste in our oceans today thus eliciting even more powerful reactions from them when reading this piece of writing.
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
This essay displays excellent grammar and syntax without any errors that need correcting; therefore a perfect score was awarded here!
Use Of Evidence: 9/10
There are multiple pieces of evidence used throughout this text which support arguments made yet one improvement that can be made is citing sources within parenthetical citations after each piece of evidence given so that readers know where these facts come from thus making them feel secure in trusting these statements being presented within the essay itself!
Vocabulary: 3/5
• Complex words used accurately (2 points): The author makes good use of complex vocabulary words like “epipelagic” that fit into context correctly; however they could still benefit from using even higher level words if appropriate at times
• Variety of sentence structures (1 point): There is definitely variety present amongst sentence structures utilized however there could be even more variation seen for added interest if desired!
Handwritten Homework
Part 2 Scholarship Interview
ALso handwritten homework
Part 1 Topic 4
Part 1 topic 4:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JhUTfvbQPTI0m3cgKk1VqgtC3CDZPqkylHPjoRZKaX0/edit?usp=sharing
This persuasive essay on renewable energy is competent, but there are some areas for improvement.
Structure: 17/20. The essay does a good job of introducing the topic and providing four different types of renewable energy sources, with each paragraph dedicated to one type. However, the conclusion could be expanded upon to provide a stronger closing statement than simply stating that these forms of energy have changed the world—the writer might also include what they believe will happen in the future with continued use or potential benefits from using renewables instead of non-renewables.
Persuasive Techniques: 14/20. The author effectively establishes credibility by noting how long renewable energies have been used and provides evidence in their description of each type (e.g., “The devices that do this are called solar panels”). However, more facts and figures should be included throughout the body paragraphs to make it even more convincing (e.g., statistics about how much electricity can be generated from wind turbines).
Emotional Appeal: 9/10. The writer does an effective job at describing why people initially sought out alternative forms of energy due to pollution caused by fossil fuels; however, including specifics about individuals who benefit from renewable energy would add more emotionality (e.g., mentioning farmers who rely on wind harnessing for economic stability).
Figurative Language: 5/5 .The author makes excellent use of figurative language throughout such as when they note that hydro energy “picks up on this [kinetic] energy” or describe geothermal installation as requiring someone to “dig into the ground”.
Grammar & Syntax: 8/10 . There are no major errors present in terms of grammar and syntax; however, there are some places where commas should be added for clarity (e.g., after “So thus”, which should read “Therefore”).
Use Of Evidence : 7 / 10 While evidence is provided regarding each individual form of renewable energy , additional information such as graphs or data points could help strengthen its argument further .
Vocabulary : 4 / 5 The vocabulary used throughout is appropriate, though incorporating some technical jargon related specifically to renewables may make it sound even more authoritative.
Rewritten version
Renewable Energy has become increasingly popular over recent decades because creating it requires little maintenance and offers infinite possibilities for powering homes across the globe – all without contributing towards climate change like traditional sources like coal do so often devastatingly efficiently ! When considering various methods available , Solar Energy stands out as being cost-effective and efficient ; photovoltaic cells absorb heat emitted by sunlight during daylight hours and then transform it into electrical power – making rooftop installations particularly attractive . Geothermal technology takes advantage not just of our sun’s rays but also of naturally occurring heat under Earth’s surface too – although setting up systems tends to involve hefty construction costs meaning most households opt against utilizing such a method due to financial constraints. Hydroelectricity captures kinetic force generated when water flows down mountainsides ; dams built around rivers store large quantities before releasing them through turbines which spin rapidly generating clean electricity! Additionally , Wind Harnessing utilizes breezes blowing past fans attached atop tall mountain peaks proliferating easily accessible power while simultaneously reducing emissions drastically compared with other alternatives ! In summary , Renewable Energies have revolutionized our ability to create electricity without compromising environment safety making them attractive choices worldwide despite initial investment outlays necessary in order to set up processes properly !
part 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WjUg_1cjlfEsmeVXNamGO-8iTb4WSx0_DiNAPCRY-3Q/edit?usp=sharing
Overall Score: 40/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay is well structured with an introduction, body and conclusion. The transitions between the paragraphs could be more clearly defined. Consider adding transitional phrases or sentence starters to make it easier for readers to follow the flow of your writing.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
You have used a few persuasive techniques in this essay such as providing evidence of your leadership skills and enthusiasm for learning, but there are opportunities to use more powerful language throughout the text. Try using rhetorical questions, comparisons and metaphors to further strengthen your argument in favor of joining Sydney Grammar School.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay lacks emotional appeal; while you do mention that you love finding out new things and seeing friends’ reactions when they hear interesting facts, these moments could be expressed with stronger emotion through vivid descriptions or figurative language. This would help readers feel connected to your story on a deeper level by evoking emotions like joy or excitement rather than just conveying surface-level information.
Figurative Language: 6/10
This essay does not contain much figurative language; try incorporating similes (e.g., “like a bright star twinkling in the night sky”) or metaphors (e.g., “I am always ready to lend my helping hand like an anchor holding steady in turbulent waters”). These types of expressions can give readers insight into how you feel about certain topics related to Sydney Grammar School in particular ways that would not otherwise be conveyed simply through factual statements alone.
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
No noticeable errors were spotted here! Your grammar and syntax are excellent – keep up the great work!
Use Of Evidence : 8/10
Your evidence is relevant – however, consider expanding upon each point made so that readers can gain a better understanding of why each piece of evidence supports your argument for joining Sydney Grammar School specifically instead of merely connecting them without explanation via causal links such as because or therefore etcetera..
Vocabulary : 8 / 10 You have used basic vocabulary throughout this essay which has allowed you communicate effectively; however there is room for improvement here too! Try replacing some words with their synonyms like replace “burning curiosity” with “ardent inquisitiveness”, “uncover something” with “discover something” etcetera…to enhance its readability even further .
Rewritten Essay Example: I am determined to join Sydney Grammar – an esteemed institution whose teachers encourage students like me towards greater heights – so that I may rise above my own expectations and develop myself to my full potential within all aspects possible . My prospects will receive additional impetus from my distinct leadership qualities , along with participating actively across many extra-curricular activities involving team cooperation . Collaboration has always been one thing I enjoy dearly , being able to trust those around me , relying on them whenever needed ; regardless if we’re playing games together or simply chatting over coffee, including everyone’s opinion remains an essential priority most times . My passion for education also fuels desire to learn ceaselessly , uncovering every unknown fact available only excites me more ! Sharing newly discovered knowledge amongst peers brings sense pleasure far greater than anything else imaginable ! In addition, solving problems presented to us daily life holds no difficulty due natural aptitude problem solving abilities alongside adaptable nature thinking processes collaboratively both equally beneficial when working in groups of people . Therefore should selected study at Sydney Grammar school shall strive to reach stars utmost success manner fashion suitable time given ! To conclude , please understand how absolutely perfect fit becomes amidst other students university after reading composition provided thorough regards aforesaid matters discussed prior herein ..
Part 2.
My name is Elvia Lin. Currently, MLC is the school that I would attend for my high school years. I would like to tell you how I would contribute to the school.
In the classroom, I always love to try new things. I’m not embarrassed if I get it wrong for the first few tries because I know I will get there. I love to push my limits and experience new things outside of my comfort zone. When I struggle, I’m not afraid to ask for help or collaborate with them because I like to hear other people’s advice and feedback. I find that when you hear other people’s opinions you get a much broader view of what you can do, and when I do collaborate with others, it allows me to have an active discussion with them.
I’m always happy to help other people when they struggle. Even if I’m not sure about it, I will still give it a go because it may help. I think that whether or not the struggle is big or not, that person still deserves someone to help them out and I’m always glad to be that person.
I’ve shown other leadership qualities when I do extracurricular activities. When I attend tennis camps, I’ve had multiple occasions where I’ve gotten the chance to help younger players. Adjusting their grips or getting the hitting process perfected is only the few things that I’ve helped others do. During tennis competitions, me and my partner share the joy of winning and also support each other in losses. We never blame each other even if we’re frustrated. In art classes, I help younger grade students to draw out sketches if they’re struggling. Helping people older or younger than me is something that I’ll always be happy to do.
I hope that you will accept my contributions to MLC. I would greatly appreciate it if you considered me to be a student at MLC.
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 10/10
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The thoughts are organized in a logical manner and the sentences flow together nicely.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
Elvia does an excellent job of using persuasive techniques to make her case for why she should attend MLC. She provides specific examples of how she can contribute to the school as well as how she has shown leadership qualities outside of the classroom. Additionally, Elvia effectively uses language that conveys enthusiasm and passion throughout the essay.
Emotional Appeal & Figurative Language: 8/10 There are some effective emotionally charged words used like “joy”, “frustration”, and “love” however there could be more figurative language included such as metaphors or similes to further draw readers into her story. For example, Elvia might say something like “I feel like I’m reaching out my hand towards new opportunities”. This could help capture the reader’s imagination more than simply saying “I love trying new things”.
Grammar & Syntax: 9/10 There were no major issues with grammar or syntax though there were some places where commas were omitted or incorrect usage of apostrophes occurred occasionally (e.g., it’s instead of its). Other than that everything was grammatically sound for the most part.
Use of Evidence & Vocabulary: 9/10 Elvia did an excellent job providing evidence from her own experiences to back up her claims about being a contributing member at MLC if accepted by them which is impressive given that this was only 500 words long! Her vocabulary is also quite strong; while there may be areas where synonyms would strengthen certain points even further it is not necessary here since everything flows together nicely already.
Synonyms List (for those seeking extra credit): Try – Attempt / Endeavor ; Struggle – Wrestle / Battle ; Contribute – Donate / Assist ; Feedback – Commentary / Response ; Joy – Delight / Jubilation; Frustration – Agitation / Discouragement; Love – Affection / Ardor; Reach Out – Extend / Proffer
Rewritten Version 300 Words : My name is Elvia Lin and I am applying to become part of MLC High School community . If accepted , I promise to bring all my energy , enthusiasm , dedication , and leadership skills . In class , I always strive for greatness no matter what challenges lie ahead . Even when faced with difficulty , I never shy away from asking for help or collaborating with peers because two heads often think better than one . When others find themselves stuck on something , you can count on me lending a helping hand . As far as extracurriculars go , during tennis camps I have had multiple occasions where i assisted younger players perfect their grips or practice their hitting process . During competitions myself and partners strived together in victory but supported each other through losses without blaming anyone else even if we felt frustrated ourselves . Similarly in art classes i have helped younger students craft sketches they found difficult initially but i stayed patient until they got it just right ! Being able to assist people both older and younger then myself brings me great joy ! Consequently It would mean so much if you considered accepting me into your esteemed institution !
A prison for animals – zoos
Imagine you are a lion. You have been living in the same cage for as long as you can remember. You’ve never seen another lion before, and you wonder if you are the last lion on earth. Three o’clock sharp, a zookeeper comes striding towards you, carrying exactly five pieces of meat, with two fish, along with a small bowl of water. You get oohed and aahed at by humans that pass your cage. They watch your every move as the day moves on. This unfortunately would be the daily life of every animal in a zoo.
Zoos do not take care of animals as well as you may expect. Baby animals bring in visitors and money, but this incentive to breed new baby animals leads to overpopulation. Zoos breed animals excessively, and surplus animals that are not needed are not only sold to other zoos, but also to circuses and hunting facilities. Some zoos even kill their surplus animals. One pack of wolves was once killed because they were too hard to handle. They also force the animals into small, enclosed spaces and provide them with artificial environments. No cage – no matter how similar it may look like the habitats of the animals can compare to the freedom of wildlife.
Humans, on the other hand, do not have a right to breed, capture, and confine other animals – even if those species are endangered. Being a member of an endangered species doesn’t mean the individual animals should be afforded fewer rights. Studies now show that animals do have feelings, and the animals in captivity suffer from boredom, stress, and confinement. They have nothing to do except allow the excited children to prod the glass that separates the animals and the visitors. “Zoos are prisons for animals, camouflaging their cruelty with conservation claims. Animals in zoos suffer tremendously, both physically and mentally. They often display neurotic behaviour, like repetitive pacing, swaying, and bar biting. Not surprising, perhaps, considering the typical polar bear enclosure is one million times smaller than the area they would naturally roam,” Mimi Bekhechi, director of international programmes of PETA, explains.
On the other hand, you may believe what the zoos claim. They may state ‘We simply rescue the animals from the wild because they are endangered.’ In reality, zoos do not help endangered species, even if they are endangered. The animals in zoos are all species that are simply not endangered. Also, the information they give you is not called “learning about animals”, it is simply reading what the zoos shove at you.
Anyways, who would want to live in the world of captive animals? Zoos are just simply jail cells that capture wild animals that are innocent and living their lives in the wildlife. No cage – no matter how similar it looks like the wild can compare to the freedom of wildlife.
Overall Score: 41/50
Structure: 9/10
The essay is well-structured, with an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. However, the last sentence of the third paragraph could be improved in order to better transition into the fourth paragraph.
Persuasive Techniques: 8.5/10
The essay uses several effective persuasive techniques such as providing evidence (“One pack of wolves was once killed because they were too hard to handle”) and refuting counterarguments (“Zoos do not help endangered species…). However, more vivid language could be used throughout the essay in order to make it even more convincing.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay does evoke some emotion from its readers by describing how lonely a lion would feel living in captivity for his entire life. It also mentions that animals display neurotic behavior due to their confinement and lack of freedom which further enhances its emotional appeal. Nevertheless, there are opportunities for the author to incorporate stronger imagery that will draw out powerful emotions from readers if done correctly.
Figurative Language: 6/10 The piece does not contain any figurative language; however it does feature some analogies such as comparing zoos ‘to prisons for animals’ or referring zoo enclosures being ‘one million times smaller than area they would naturally roam’. Incorporating additional metaphors or similes could strengthen this score further.
Grammar & Syntax : 10/10 The grammar and syntax throughout this piece are impeccable – no errors can be found here!
Use Of Evidence : 8 / 10 This piece provides evidence through quotes from Mimi Bekhechi but none other sources have been used so far; thus incorporating additional data may increase this score slightly higher!
Vocabulary : 8 / 10 Although many words used within this piece are quite simple (“cage”, “captive”,”confine”), there is still room for improvement when it comes to vocabulary choice – some sentences may benefit from replacing simpler terms with more sophisticated ones instead .
Synonyms Suggestions: Capture = Seize | Confinement = Imprisonment | Surplus= Excess | Artificial = Synthetic| Neurotic= Abnormal | Incentive = Motivation | Prod = Jabbed| Camouflaging= Disguising | Repetitive Pacing = Circumambulation
Rewritten Essay Sample #1 (300 Words): Imagine you are a majestic lion living behind bars your entire life without ever seeing another one of your kind again – now that’s something truly heartbreaking! You’re oohed at by humans during every waking moment while three o’clock sharp brings five pieces of meat along with two fishes and a bowl of water served daily – all these serve as mere reminders that you’re confined in an artificial environment vastly different than what nature had intended you have access too. Zoos don’t take care of their animals nearly as much as we think they do- breeding them excessively leads only leads overcrowding while surplus individuals often end up either sold off or worse yet- killed unnecessarily since they cannot contribute any money whatsoever! Humans simply don’t possess the right to capture wild creatures like us just because our species happen to fall under danger status– individual rights should definitely NOT be neglected regardless considering science has already proven us capable of feeling emotions just like everyone else ! As seen through pacing , swaying , bar biting behaviors exhibited by caged beasts – Zoos become nothing less than prisons camouflaging cruelty beneath conservation claims despite all efforts made towards saving certain creatures on Earth .
Part 1
You can barely glimpse your parents being taken away, their screams of agony and pain echoing in the vast savannah as the are hunted down like bugs, murdered, throats slit as they bleed out to death, while you are placed in a prison cage, menacing bars blocking any escape. As the truck stops to a halt, you are chained, and your mind goes down with you, breaking your mentality as you are humiliated, embarrassed and tortured both physically and psychologically. You can hear the screams of your deceased parents, their corpses rotting away as birds come to eat them, their body limp, their blood gushing out, the gruesome death forever embedded in your mind.
This is the common fate of thousands if not hundreds of thousands of animals, unfairly abused under unfair and daunting conditions. Many more will face these horrible forms of torture, that will change their life forever, and lock them up into tiny cages cramped like useless insects, used as entertainment by an unworthy but superior species. The average animal in a zoo may have seen the deaths of many relatives, and these scenes can forever change their view of the world. One animal may see the death of their mother while only as a baby, no more than 3 months of age, and be abducted to have tests performed and for the humiliation and entertainment of humans.
Imagine humans where the zoo animals in this case, forced to bow down to a greater fate, and never see true freedom. The average being couldn’t stand this, and would like to take measures that involved death or worse. When the average North Korean is trying to escape the prison of North Korea, if they get caught or worse, they have the will to kill themselves instead of going back. This is the same for zoo animals living in inhumane conditions, and they are left with the fate of dying slowly and painfully, never to escape.
The banning of zoos has been widely discussed countless times before, but no one has done much about it. While it may gain much attraction on platforms such as twitter, youtube and facebook, it has never had major action done, and instead has been dismissed before reaching its initial goal. These zoos aren’t a place for happiness, they are instead prisons, with gloomy and desperate animals that may seem aggressive because of the fact that they are treated like slaves, born to serve a greater purpose.
We need to take some action against these demoralising creations of humanity, and instead create a place that allows nature to roam free, while humans can still be pleased by the sight of such creatures.
Part 2
One may eat the ordinary chicken for thanksgiving, and wonder, where are these beautiful creatures coming from. And once they know the truth, they can never stop themselves from hearing it. It brings the darkest of memories one may feel- a slaughterhouse. Filled with the innocent screams of animals meant to have a life, meant to have a future, destroyed with the single flick of a finger. One may hear the screams, the torture these poor animals have endured, the pain, the bloodbath below them, and the silence. It is cruel, to think about where your lovely sausages have come from, and then you realise that it took a harmless creature’s death to create it.
What has humanity become, hanging millions of animals, as they desperately try to get out, struggling and pushing with all their might, but never coming free. One can feel the struggle by simply looking or even thinking about it, hearing their countless relatives, their dear parents being murdered, a clean slit draining out their life. One may not even know that they have become a murderer before they are 7, the countless amount of lives they have killed. One may go to a fast food restaurant, and think about how many chickens, pigs or cows died to create a franchise like this.
Have you ever wondered how many chickens are murdered everyday, for one’s life and enjoyment? Almost 136 million chickens are raised each day, each set out to die in a few weeks time, born to die. Think about the 136 million lives that could’ve been spared every day if we didn’t eat any meat. Veganism is one of the most essential things we must do to stop the animal cruelty that is happening everyday. One may complain about zoos, when they don’t even realise that almost 50 billion lives are being wasted in a year, around 6.5 times more than the entire human population, and that’s only chickens.
When you think about it, think of the billions of lives that could’ve been saved if half of the human population turned to veganism. It would make everyone’s lives equally good, and if one still wanted to seek the delicious enjoyment of meat, there are still many choices for meat created genetically from plants. On the plus side, chips will still be here, and we can enjoy that fruit cake you never ate and stuck in the freezer for a very long time.
Part 3
Imagine you are a harmless sea turtle, a pure and innocent creature of the sea, making its way down the current, when you see a massive pile of junk, or in your mind, food. As you nibble a piece off the massive garbage island, your throat stops inhaling air, suffocated by the seemingly harmless piece of plastic, yet the murderer of almost more than 100,000 animals a year. It is atrocious to see such beautiful creatures killed by our own creation, and even though we would never want to judge ourselves as murderous beings and killing these creatures, a piece of rubbish you may throw out to the ocean may murder a turtle or a bird, maybe even a dolphin. Wonderful creatures that could’ve had many more years of life could’ve stayed alive.
You may not realise it, but every piece of plastic counts, and the more there is, the more it accumulates. If everyone throws out around a ton of rubbish a year, and around 0.1% of it goes into an ocean, in a year, the ocean has another 7 million tons of rubbish, and globally, there is much more than that. Single use plastics may seem essential to humanity, but instead are a global killer, and shouldn’t be permitted for use, especially because of the harm it can do to animals and the ecosystem. If the food chain collapses, that would mean the end of millions of human lives, just because we were careless of what we throw out.
Additionally, many large shopping companies give away millions of tons of plastic, and while some have already banned the use of them, some say the damage has already been done. The pacific garbage patch already has 80000 tons of rubbish stored, and yearly there are 8.3 million tons thrown into the ocean. Soon, someone only 30 years younger than you may not see the ocean you see today, but instead see a ravaged wasteland of garbage, floating around in the sea with entangled sea creatures in there.
The sea is an important place nature has gifted us, and we must take care of it, not waste it like it is nothing. For our descendants and the future generations we should ban the use of single use plastics as they are extremely ineffective and can be easily replaced, produced in mass quantities and destroy the environment, especially our oceans.
Part 4
You’ve probably heard these words a few times in your life, and nowadays, a lot. Climate Change, commonly known or referred to as global warming, is the act of heating up the environment or surrounding, as the name suggests. It has become the topic of debate in the 21st century, and some consider it inevitable and others consider it fixable. In the future, one may experience deadly fumes or a toxic wasteland if this continues to happen. One may think it can be the end of human civilization, because of the sheer amount of greenhouse gases we are pouring into the air. These days, in a populated city, one can barely see the stars and appreciate nature.
Renewable energy is widely known as the saviour that can stop climate change because we will stop releasing smoke into the air. Instead, we will use natural forces that won’t destroy the environment as much, and instead help it. Some of these include hydropower which involves water, wind power, which of course involves wind and finally solar panels, which use the sun. These won’t use things like fossil fuels or oil, decomposed and compressed ashes of animals that lived millions of years ago.
Using these types of technology, we can easily stop the use of fossil fuels to destroy the environment, as well as creating more greenery that converts the surrounding co2 into oxygen, depleting the world of the greenhouse gases we release with coal and other sorts of fossil fuels. We may be able to stop this in time, and most likely will be using renewable energy to stop the spread and convert back the smoke and fumes.
Additionally, renewable energy is an extremely efficient way of producing power, and soon it may cost less money to install such features. Additionally, they don’t take much space, and solar panels can simply be installed on top of one’s roof to prevent further usage of any power generators, using their own energy, so if a blackout struck, one could use the stored energy and replace it. Hydropower takes up massive spaces, but is extremely powerful and can create lots of energy to be used, and can also involve smaller structures to create power. Finally, wind power is extremely effective on windy days, and can be a substitute when it is raining and solar panels cannot be used, so the wind energy can be harnessed on stormy days.
In all, renewable energy has benefits for both climate change as well as the benefit for our human civilization, creating more power than ever before and using it without causing much harm to our beautiful world.
Scholarship Homework
Trinity Grammar is one of my dream schools, and I believe I can contribute to this school in many different ways. I believe I have qualities that make me fit in the school and can help other students become better as well as participating as a good student which will make teacher lives much easier. I also can contribute by using my extensive knowledge in many different subjects and my leadership skills that can bring our school to success. I also believe I have empathic qualities that can get people back up when they fail something, and encourage them to become a better student and stop them from continuing to give up.
I believe I have especially good leadership qualities, as I have led a group of students in my class to be the best, while letting everyone participate and know what we are talking about. Because of this, students can understand what the topic we are talking about and know what to say when the teacher asks us any questions. They have an in depth response and don’t just slack off, they actually contribute and create the goal we were hoping for. I also believe in these cases we were very resourceful, finding ourselves things to do that will help build up something. For example, one person would cut something, and another would glue, which made it effective and fast.
I also believe that I have moral values and kindness that can help people when in doubt, so when they fail a certain subject, I can help them additionally with my advanced knowledge. I have helped people who had a disadvantage and can do the same in your school to motivate and help people who aren’t as good as I am in certain subjects. Additionally, I can also help people in lots of different subjects, including Mathematics, English and even sport. This way, everyone could have a balance in subjects rather than just being good at a certain subject.
Finally, I believe I will respect the school schools and the school spirit. I will wear my school uniform proud with dignity and will not fail to acknowledge the school rules. I will abide by them and listen to the teacher and help with tasks that they request assistance for. I have done this in the past by helping the teacher and students with tasks they are helping for, and have never gotten a punishment for bad behaviour, and will continue to do so in your school.
In conclusion, I believe I will contribute to trinity grammar in many different ways including teamwork and leadership skills, kindness and moral values and respecting the school rules.
Overall Score: 42/50
Structure: 8/10
This essay provides a clear structure and argument, but it could be broken up into more distinct sections or paragraphs to further clarify the points.
Persuasive Techniques: 10/10
The author makes effective use of persuasive techniques, including rhetorical questions and vivid descriptions. Suggestion: Re-emphasize key points at the end of each paragraph with concise summaries or conclusions.
Emotional Appeal: 6/10 The author includes some emotionally charged language that calls on readers to imagine themselves in the animals’ situation, but this could be strengthened by providing more concrete examples from real life cases and specific experiences of affected animals.
Figurative Language: 8/10 The essay contains several vivid descriptions that help create a powerful image for readers; however, these examples should also be expanded upon to make them even more memorable. Additionally, other figurative language such as similes and metaphors can be used throughout the essay to increase its impact.
Grammar & Syntax: 9/10 For the most part, grammar and syntax are used effectively throughout this essay; however there are some minor errors that need correction (e.g., “daunting conditions”). Rewrite sentences where needed for clarity.
Use of Evidence: 5/5 The author uses evidence effectively throughout their argument; they provide both personal anecdotes as well as statistics to back up their claims about animal mistreatment in zoos. Suggestion : Include additional sources such as scholarly articles or reports from scientific organizations for added credibility .
Vocabulary : 6 / 10 This essay features a range of vocabulary words appropriate for an academic piece; however many words are repeated which decreases readability (e.g., “prison cage”) . Try replacing repetitive terms with synonyms like jail cell or confinement enclosure .
Rewritten Essay : You barely have time to take in your parents’ last wails before you witness their brutal abduction – voices filled with anguish reverberating through the vast savannahs until all is silent again save for those eerily echoing cries that haunt your memory forevermore. Before you know it, you’ve been shackled tightly within an oppressive prison cell, trapping you in darkness without hope of escape while every inch of your being is violated both physically and psychologically – humiliation piercing your soul like no other torment ever felt before . It’s not just yourself who has experienced this harrowing fate ; tens if not hundreds of thousands suffer similarly across the globe , many never seeing true freedom ever again after being wrongfully abused under terrible circumstances . From birth they live caged lives devoid of joy – isolated entities meant only for humans ‘ amusement – often losing family members right before their eyes without understanding why such tragedy had occurred…or why they were forced into enslavement afterwards still grieving over what was lost yet unable to protest nor flee from captivity due do crushingly restrictive barriers put upon them ..leading one animal potentially witnessing his mother’s death when he was no older than 3 months old only later than being taken away from his home against his will all so people could watch him perform tricks outfitted with cruel devices designed specifically for torture beneath jeering crowds.. All too similar is how North Koreans feel when attempting escape – knowing full well should they get caught certain death awaits them instead opting instead choose suicide rather than return whence came ….an emotion undoubtedly shared by zoo inhabitants living confined within dreary enclosures day after day struggling simply survive amidst unbearable agony brought forth by man-made suffering …. Thus far discussion surrounding banning zoos has produced little results despite highly visible campaigns on social media outlets though nothing beyond talk remains…. We must make absolutely sure justice prevails here offering sanctuary where Nature roams freely whilst humanity simultaneously derives pleasure observing her beauty unharmed thus putting an end to abominable injustice created solely to satisfy our own warped desires and leaving creatures no option except die.
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure: 9/10
The essay is structured in a way that effectively conveys the writer’s message. It begins with an introduction to the topic, followed by several body paragraphs that each focus on one point and end with a conclusion that ties it all together.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay contains various persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions, comparison of figures, and examples from everyday life. However, there could be more use of repetition or parallelism for emphasis.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay does contain some emotional appeal; however, it could be improved by adding more vivid descriptions of animal suffering (e.g., “bloody corpses strewn across the floor”) or personal anecdotes about why veganism is important (e.g., “I remember how my heart ached when I learned about…”).
Figurative Language: 6/10
There are some figurative language used in this essay but they are not very effective due to lack of variety or creativity (e.g., “destroyed with the single flick of a finger”). Additionally, they don’t really draw out strong emotions from the reader which would help make its points even stronger. To make these phrases more impactful and memorable, try using metaphors or similes instead (e.g., “like someone pressing down on their throat until their last breath escapes them”).
Grammar & Syntax: 8/10
For the most part, grammar and syntax are correct throughout this essay; however there are some minor errors here and there which can easily be fixed by double-checking for any typos or incorrect word choices before submitting it for grading purposes (e.g., “One may go to fast food restaurant” should read “One may go to a fast food restaurant”).
Use of Evidence: 7/10 The evidence used throughout this argument is fairly convincing; however other sources like statistics from scientific studies could also be included to strengthen this argument further (e.g., statistics on how much water goes into producing meat compared to vegetables).
Vocabulary: 7/ 10 The vocabulary used in this essay is most appropriate but certain words can sound too informal when discussing such topics so replacements like ‘morose’ instead of ‘darkest’ can help increase its sophistication level without changing its overall meaning significantly.
Rewritten Essay (~400 words): One may eat ordinary chicken during Thanksgiving without stopping themselves from imagining where these beautiful creatures come from – slaughterhouses filled with innocent screams coming from animals meant to have lives and futures destroyed at just one flick of a finger – bringing forth feelings beyond mere sorrow within us all. What has humanity become? Millions hung up helplessly as they desperately struggle yet never get free – we ourselves feel their agony merely through looking upon them – hearing countless relatives being ripped away violently – drained dry with no hope for escape.. We know not what guilt lies ahead until our seventh birthday rolls around – already having killed countless innocents without ever knowing it was wrong.. Even going out for fast food brings forth memories we’d rather forget — realising now exactly how many poor chickens had died just so our enjoyment might continue.. Have you ever stopped yourself long enought o consider precisely how many chickens must die day after day? 136 million every 24 hours alone! Certainly, half our population turning towards veganism would spare billions upon billions each year… Chips will still remain untouched though sadly fruit cake remains forgotten in freezers for far too long! Animal cruelty continues undeterred if nothing changes soon — let’s bring equality between man & beast today!
PART4
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 10/10
The essay is well-structured and flows smoothly from one point to the next.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The writer makes a convincing argument in favor of renewable energy, but could use more powerful language and emotional appeals.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay successfully conveys the urgency of climate change, but could be made even more emotionally compelling by providing specific examples or stories that illustrate its consequences.
Figurative Language: 6/10
While there are some attempts at figurative language, they could be strengthened with additional imagery and metaphors.
Grammar & Syntax: 9/10
For the most part, grammar and syntax are correct; however, there are some minor errors that should be corrected for clarity.
Use of Evidence: 10/10 The essay includes facts about renewable energy as well as logical arguments in support of its implementation.
Vocabulary : 5/10 The writer uses basic vocabulary throughout the essay; however, using more sophisticated words and phrases would make it stronger overall.
You’ve probably heard these words a few times in your life – Climate Change – also known as global warming – has become an increasingly urgent topic of debate due to its potential catastrophic effects on our planet’s future if left unchecked. In densely populated cities today, smog dilutes our view of stars above us while nature’s beauty becomes obscured by industrial development below us – leading many to ponder whether humanity will be able to survive this looming crisis at all? Fortunately though, through renewable energy sources such as hydropower (water), wind power (wind) and solar panels (sunlight), we may yet have time to save ourselves from disaster before it is too late! Not only can these forms of power generation reduce emissions into the atmosphere but they offer other benefits too – such as being cost effective over time compared to traditional fossil fuel burning methods which require costly raw materials like oil or coal extracted from compressed animal remains which lived millions upon millions years ago! Furthermore – depending on their size – hydropower systems don’t take up much space either so smaller versions can still generate significant amounts electricity without needing entire valleys flooded for example! Wind turbines meanwhile provide another clean alternative source when sunshine isn’t available during stormy periods whilst solar panels installed atop roofs can store excess generated electricity for later personal use when outages occur elsewhere on local grids allowing homeowners independence during regional blackouts! Renewable energies therefore not only help combat climate change efficiently but also empower individuals too making them less reliant upon others for their daily needs ultimately creating healthier societies where everyone works together towards a brighter tomorrow free from fear or worry caused by environmental degradation!
Overall score out of 50: 35/50
This persuasive essay has a good overall structure, but could be improved in terms of its persuasive techniques, emotional appeal, figurative language and use of evidence. The grammar and syntax are acceptable but could also be improved for more sophisticated writing.
For the structure of the essay, it should include an introduction at the start to introduce the topic as well as a conclusion at the end to summarize all points made. Additionally, each main body paragraph should have a clear point that ties in with the thesis statement or main idea discussed earlier on.
In terms of persuasive techniques used within this essay, they are mostly present throughout yet more could be added. For instance, rhetorical questions can be used to draw attention from readers such as “How will I contribute?” Furthermore, personal anecdotes can also be included – these would make for interesting stories that help connect with readers on an emotional level; for example: “Last year I had helped one student who was struggling immensely in Maths…” This will add further depth and flair to your writing.
The emotional appeal is quite low in this essay which needs improvement since emotion helps drive people’s decisions when reading something like this particular piece. To increase emotionally charged words or phrases you might consider using intense adjectives such as inspiring instead of motivating or captivating instead of intriguing etc.; while similes can also help capture emotions better by comparing two unlike objects together – e.g.: “I have empathic qualities that can get people back up when they fail something like a lighthouse guiding ships through stormy waters”
Figurative language is lacking within this essay so adding some would certainly improve its quality – metaphors work best here where you compare two unlikely objects together (e..g “My knowledge was my sword against any challenges”). Personification may also help create vivid imagery by attributing human characteristics onto non-human things (e..g “my leadership skills guided our school towards success”).
Vocabulary wise there are many words/phrases used repeatedly (such as ‘good’, ‘help’ and ‘contribute’) making it sound repetitive; therefore synonyms need replacing them such as beneficial rather than good or support instead of help etc., while others may require additional context (e..g “empathic” – which means having an understanding/awareness).
Rewritten Essay: Trinity Grammar is one amongst my dream schools and I feel I’m able to contribute significantly through my varied strengths and capabilities. My leadership skills have enabled me to lead groups efficiently; ensuring everyone feels involved whilst simultaneously understanding what we were discussing fully – allowing us complete tasks effectively without slacking off nor procrastinating too long during progressions set forth ourselves! Alongside these qualities lies empathy enabling me comfort those around me who face failure encouraging them not giving up striving for greater heights ahead!
Moreover I believe my moral values alongside kindness gives aid helping those less fortunate teaching them new subjects aside from Mathematics & English including sports too achieving balance across multiple curriculums! Lastly respecting everything about Trinity Grammar especially its uniform proudly wearing it showing dignity following rules obediently assisting teachers whenever necessary even if unasked proving myself capable time after time never receiving punishment due bad behaviour!
In conclusion all these attributes plus countless others demonstrate how invaluable contribution shall bring success taking Trinity Grammar soaring high!
Score: 43/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion. The essay could be improved by more clearly delineating the different arguments in each of the body paragraphs. For example, in the first paragraph the argument is about how marine creatures suffer from human waste but this can be further divided into two sub-arguments – one about how individual humans contribute to pollution and another on why single use plastics should not be used.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The persuasive techniques employed are effective as they appeal to both pathos (emotional) and logos (logic). However, there could be more emphasis placed on evidence throughout the essay such as citing statistics or research studies. This would make it even stronger.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The emotional appeal of this essay is strong overall; however, it can be made stronger by using figurative language to bring out imagery that will evoke emotion in readers. For instance, “the murderer of almost more than 100,000 animals a year” could instead read “the silent killer of over 100 000 innocent lives each year” to create a vivid image for readers which may stir up emotions like anger or sadness more effectively than plain facts alone do.
Figurative Language: 6/10
There is some limited use of figurative language within the essay such as metaphors; however, these can still be expanded upon to provide better descriptions that help build an emotional connection between reader and writer through powerful visualizations e.g., instead of saying ‘single-use plastics are global killers’, one might say ‘like a disease spreading across continents’.
Grammar & Syntax: 7/10
Grammar and syntax are mostly correct though there are small errors here and there that need revision e.g., change ‘may murder’ to ‘can murder’ since murder implies certainty whereas may implies possibility only; change ‘fantastic creatures’ to ‘wonderful creatures’. These edits will improve clarity significantly while keeping with proper grammar rules
Use Of Evidence: 5/10 There is minimal evidence used throughout the text; adding relevant data or studies related directly or indirectly to plastic pollution would give weightage to your argument and increase its credibility among readers who expect tangible proof before being persuaded towards any opinionated stance taken by writers . Vocabulary : 8 / 10 The choice of words chosen for this piece vary enough so as not get boring yet remain understandable at all times . Synonyms can also add complexity making sentences sound sophisticated , e . g .”accumulates” can replace “gets increased” ; “inhaling air” can replace “breathing”.
Rewritten Essay : Imagine you were an innocent sea turtle swimming along peacefully when suddenly you come face-to-face with something sinister – miles upon miles worth of rubbish floating around in murky waters – suffocating everything below beneath its deadly clutches! Every day hundreds if not thousands helplessly fall victim at our own hands – unknowingly murdered just because we threw away something without thought nor care! Our careless actions have devastating effects on wildlife populations worldwide leaving them struggling against extinction due largely in part due massive amounts plastic littering our oceans ! It’s no secret that every single piece plays its role too often leading us down roads we’d never wish anyone else take – after all if food chains collapse then what hope do people have!? Unfortunately many large companies advocate single-use plastics despite their damaging impacts evidenced heavily by reports indicating roughly 8 million tons added yearly onto already existing mountains trash stored inside Pacific Garbage Patch ! If things continue like this soon someone 30 years younger won’t recognize their world anymore consumed entirely by rampant heaps garbage left behind our lack responsibility! We must protect future generations from inheriting such grim fate doing whatever possible.
Semper fidelis. This is Meriden’s school motto meaning always faithful. Confident leaders and aspiring and academic achievers. These are some of the goals of meriden. I believe that these are all important skills that a person could acquire. I have leadership, kindness and will embrace the school spirit. I believe these skills will contribute to the school.
Overall, I have a few leadership roles but I believe I have enough skill to guide a team. Not only will I make sure everything is fair and balanced, I will approach problems with confidence and optimism. I can be the bridge between teachers and students and will think in each and every point of view. I am never afraid to take suggestions and will take responsibility. I have the ability to look at the whole picture, rather than a small section of it and will use this ability to the fullest. To me, being a leader isn’t only a position, it is an opportunity to connect with your teammates.
I am liked by every single one of my teachers for one main purpose. I am kind and helpful. So much so that my year five teacher thought others would take advantage of me. I am completely okay with that though as I am completely willing to help others out no matter what the disadvantages are. I was told that I am considerate and compassionate and will do whatever it takes to make others happy. I am always conscious about other people’s feelings and can act accordingly. This quality may be able to contribute to the school.
Well informed and critical thinkers, Creative innovators and compassionate healthy and optimistic global citizens are some of meridens goals just to name a few. I believe I can achieve these goals while also embracing the school spirit. I will be able to host many activities such as talent shows and fairs. I am happy to learn about school history and wear the school uniform. I will be proud to go to Meriden and will embrace the school spirit as much as I can.
Leadership and kindness are all skills that I possess, along with embracing the school spirit. I have many experiences in which I had to display these skills. I believe that I can contribute to Meriden and am happy to embrace the school spirit. This is why I believe i can contribute to Meriden.
Overall Score: 39/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay is well-structured and divided into three clear sections. The introduction could be improved to include a stronger thesis statement that better summarizes the points made in the body of the essay. In addition, some further transitions between paragraphs would help make it easier for readers to follow the writer’s argument.
Persuasive Techniques: 6/10
The essay does effectively use appeals to emotion and logic to support its argument, but more evidence or examples could be provided throughout each section. In addition, there are several places where personal anecdotes or stories could be used to add emotional appeal and strengthen the overall argument of the paper.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
There are some attempts at emotional appeal in this essay, but they tend to lack detail and vivid language that would make them more effective. For example, in describing how he will approach problems with confidence and optimism, it might be helpful if his enthusiasm was described more vividly by mentioning specific actions or words he plans on using when tackling these issues (e.g., “I plan on approaching problems with unwavering determination” or “I am ready to tackle any problem head-on”). Additionally, adding more personal details about why he believes having leadership skills is important can also increase emotional appeal (e.g., experiences from past leadership positions).
Figurative Language: 5/10
This essay includes limited figurative language; however there are still opportunities for improvement here as well. One way of doing so may involve replacing mundane descriptions with metaphors or similes (e .g., instead of saying “I have strong leadership qualities,” one might say “My leadership qualities shine like a beacon”). Additionally, including comparisons between Meriden’s goals and other entities (such as people) may also help add depth to this section while providing additional imagery for readers (e .g., “Not only will I make sure everything is fair and balanced—just like a referee at an athletic event.”).
Grammar & Syntax: 8/ 10 The grammar throughout this essay is mostly correct; however there are still some minor mistakes such as incorrect verb tenses (“have embraced”) that need correction before submission. Furthermore, occasionally sentences become overly complex due their length which can sometimes lead readers astray while trying interpret what has been written—for instance consider rewording “To me being a leader isn’t only a position it is an opportunity” into two separate sentences rather than one long one for clarity purposes .
Use of Evidence : 5 / 10 Although evidence has been included in this piece , most points mentioned within it don’t contain hard facts supporting them which makes it difficult for readers believe what has been said without further proof . Providing research statistics , quotes from professionals , etcetera , would greatly benefit all aspects of this paper by making its arguments even stronger than before .
Vocabulary : 8 / 10 This piece contains many words which accurately convey its message ; nonetheless introducing replacements from time -to -time adds variety along with allowing writers put ideas forth succinctly —for example replace phrases such as ‘many activities’ with ‘numerous events.’ Furthermore certain locations within text require clarification via specific terminology — i nstead o f writing ‘ host many activities ‘, opt fo r something similar t o ‘ organize numerous affairs ‘.
Part 2 – What can you contribute to the school?
I believe I can contribute a lot to Sydney Grammar because I have a strong school spirit, positive leadership skills and a very fair attitude in supporting my friends and anyone who needs help because I care a lot about what happens at school. I am collaborative, considerate, a good respectful listener and a happy student who gets along with everyone. I am currently a Prefect at my school where the rigorous selection process required demonstrating many good traits and contributions to my teachers and peers. I am committed to doing more and have represented my school in the string ensemble, music festivals, senior choir performances and both athletics and cross country zone competitions.
I am aware that Sydney Grammar provides a vast selection of music, sporting, technology, academic and many more opportunities which I am enthusiastic to take part and contribute and take part in.
Recently, I participated in the City and Country Association Leadership Camp with over two hundred students from other schools across New South Wales and surprised myself when challenged by the presenter to come on stage to overcome my fear by singing solo in front of the whole audience and leading them to join me to sing along, AKA I came out of my shell and Rick Rolled the audience.
This has made me believe in myself that I can conquer my fear of stage fright. From this experience, I would like to contribute more leadership responsibilities at Sydney Grammar through hard work and determination.
In the classroom, I am always keen to try new things. I am not afraid to attempt new challenges that are outside my comfort zone. In fact, I enjoy having a go at new experiences because it is both interesting and exciting. Sometimes, my first few attempts may not work out as expected; I am not easily discouraged from this. Instead, it motivates me to try even harder. I am also open to other people’s opinions and feedback, I can expand my knowledge and gain a much broader view of the world around me and what I can do.
Furthermore, I am always happy to help other people when they struggle even if I am not 100% sure about it. I believe that where I am able to help others, I also can become better and learn from the experience. It is a win-win outcome for everyone. Academically, my results are constantly high, where I achieved the annual academic excellence award and throughout the year, I enjoy helping my classmates with challenging questions. As part of the leadership team, I regularly contribute my time in assisting the younger years in reading and arts and crafts.
Thank you for considering my application. I hope to be given the opportunity to contribute to Sydney Grammar in future.
This persuasive essay has a good structure, but it could use more sophisticated language and persuasive techniques. To begin with, the essay should make an emotional appeal by providing examples of how the student’s participation in extracurricular activities demonstrates their commitment to Sydney Grammar. For example, instead of simply stating “I am committed to doing more” they could provide specific examples such as “My commitment to excellence is evidenced by my dedication to representing my school in various athletic and musical performances.” Additionally, they can incorporate figurative language into their writing by using metaphors or analogies; for instance, instead of saying “I came out of my shell and Rick Rolled the audience” they could say something like “By overcoming my fear I was able to step out from behind my metaphorical shell and electrify the crowd with a rousing rendition of Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’.
Furthermore, there are some words that could be replaced with synonyms for greater impact: replace ‘positive leadership skills’ with assertive or inspirational leadership qualities; change ‘rigorous selection process’ to stringent or thorough criteria; replace ‘fair attitude’ with impartiality; alter enthusiastic to avidly interested; substitute contribute more responsibilities for assume additional duties; modify overcome fear with conquer trepidation. Lastly, use precise diction when describing academic achievements: exchange high results for stellar grades or exemplary marks. By rewriting these phrases along these lines and incorporating vivid descriptions throughout this essay will add depth and emotion while also increasing its persuasiveness.
REWRITTEN VERSION
I believe I can bring much value to Sydney Grammar due to my ardent school spirit combined with confident leadership abilities coupled together with a resolute commitment towards aiding others who need help because I care deeply about what transpires at school. My empathetic nature allows me to collaborate easily within any environment while simultaneously being mindful enough not only to listen attentively but also to give sound advice when necessary which makes me an excellent team player amongst both peers and teachers alike—qualities that were paramount during the selection process when becoming Prefect at our school. In addition, I have had ample opportunity over time to display further potential through playing in our string ensemble group alongside performing in music festivals as well as competing athletically on a zone level all whilst singing passionately as part of senior choir events—all endeavors which demonstrate outstanding effort on behalf of myself towards excelling even further than before..
Sydney Grammar provides countless opportunities for students such as myself across myriad fields including musical endeavours sporting events technological explorations academic studies etcetera – all areas which entice me greatly to consider taking part and contributing actively participating wholeheartedly. Recently during City Country Association Leadership Camp two hundred plus other members from different schools around New South Wales provided certain challenges involving coming up stage despite fears singing solo in front entire audience then leading them in singsong AKA going beyond bounds venture courageously outside their comfort zone attempt something never done before turning point journey self-confidence really impressed upon me understanding capability push boundaries test limits ultimately succeed therefore desire take initiative strive better become a leader here Sydney Grammar hard work robust determination.
In the classroom always be willing to try new things no matter the failure rate first few attempts dictate the outcome rather than motivation to keep pushing, continue learning, growing, open feedback to other people’s knowledge, gain a wider perspective of the world truly understand appreciate possibilities exist future success helping classmates challenging questions annual award academic excellence clear testimony individual capable achieving amazing things contribution younger years reading arts crafts goes show great sense empathy compassion look forward adding own set valuable skills resources available here Sydney grammar thank you consideration applying hope given chance contribute future
Renewable Energy Sources
I am filled with a righteous anger at the unethical usage of non-renewable energy sources. I believe that it is our moral duty to transition to renewable energy and to work towards a more sustainable and clean society. Climate Change is making the earth warmer – in the Arctic, the homes of polar bears are melting away, leaving them stranded as the temperatures start skyrocketing. Recent studies have shown that the rate of warming has doubled since the 1980s. This is all because of non-renewable energy. However, with renewable energy sources, burning fossil fuels and non-renewable energy is no longer needed as solar energy and wind turbines creates electricity that never runs out.
Fossil fuels inflict heavy amounts of pollution onto our society. It dispenses huge amounts of toxic chemicals and greenhouse gases when you burn them. These gases can be exceptionally harmful to humans and can lead to detrimental consequences when inhaled. Fossil fuels have numerous different hazardous air pollutants including benzene, toluene, ethylbenzene, xylene, and hexane. Human exposure to them may result in development of some diseases including cancer. Research from Harvard University has shown that more than 8 million people died in 2018 from fossil fuel pollution and will continue to rise if we don’t start using renewable energy. Fossil fuel combustion resulted in 73% of the total US greenhouse gas emissions. All this fossil fuel burning puts a heavy burden on doctors, families and our society if we don’t stop using it.
With Climate change being a big concern, switching to renewable energy is one of the most eco-friendly options that generates electricity that helps our world. Poor, innocent animals are being stranded on a miniscule block of ice in the Arctic and it is a struggle that farmers have to deal with as the soil hardens and crops die. Inflation will raise the prices of fruits and vegetables due to climate change providing difficulty. Many countries around the world have said to reach net zero carbon emissions by 2050. There is still about 30 years to sustain our world. We can still make a change.
Investing further into resources like hydro, solar and wind power will open up new job opportunities as well, further stabilising our society. The clean energy industry has potential to go strength for strength, and if we can take the chance, we can open up hundreds of thousands of jobs in the next five years. This will bring further opportunities for the unemployed, striving to edge the gap between the employed and unemployed.
In conclusion, it is time for us to transition to renewable energy and to work towards a more sustainable and responsible society. Fossil fuels are a major contributor to climate change and environmental degradation, and it is our moral duty to do better. It imposes health damage, can affect animals and farmers and gives plenty of job opportunities. Renewable energy is a clean, abundant, and sustainable alternative that allows us to meet our energy needs without compromising the planet. Picture a life where we can live longer, healthier and we no longer have to grieve for the sudden death of family members and animals. Picture a better world where the benefits of renewable energy bring about more employment and opportunities. Picture the perfect utopian world, clean air to breathe in, less deaths, more animals and crops thriving. One change is all it takes to make the world better.
Overall Score: 44/50
Structural Organization: 9/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8.5/10
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
Figurative Language Usage: 7.5/10
Grammar and Syntax: 10/10
Use of Evidence: 8.5/10
Vocabulary Use: 3.5/4
This persuasive essay does a good job in making an argument for the use of renewable energy sources, citing evidence from studies to support its claims regarding health effects from fossil fuel combustion and climate change implications on crops and animals, as well as potential benefits such as job growth in the clean energy industry. The structure is logical with clear transitions between paragraphs; however, it could be improved by providing more specific examples (e.g., “Inflation will cause prices of fruits and vegetables to rise”). Additionally, there are some opportunities to include emotional appeal throughout the essay that could strengthen the overall argument (e.g., “We can no longer stand idly by while innocent animals are left stranded…”). Furthermore, this piece could benefit from more figurative language such as metaphors or similes (e.g., “Fossil fuels are like cancerous tumors slowly destroying our planet…”). There is also room for improvement in terms of vocabulary usage (e.g., instead of “unemployed,” try “jobseekers”).
Rewritten Essay
I am filled with righteous indignation at the unethical usage of non-renewable energy sources – it is our moral obligation to transition to renewable energy and work towards a more sustainable society for future generations! Climate Change has been rapidly intensifying since 1980s – polar bear homes have been melting away due their Arctic habitats becoming warmer; farmers have had difficulty growing crops due soil hardening caused by rising temperatures; inflation has pushed up prices for fruits and vegetables which impacts us all! Non-renewable energies play a major role in environmental degradation through burning fossil fuels which release toxic chemicals into our atmosphere along with greenhouse gases causing severe damage both directly – leading diseases including cancer -and indirectly – resulting in higher death tolls worldwide estimated at over 8 million people back in 2018 alone! It further puts an enormous strain on healthcare systems if we don’t make changes quickly enough! Renewable energies provide us with electricity that never runs out – solar power harnesses light waves emitted from sun while wind turbines capture kinetic motion generated by winds creating clean energy which eliminates need for burning fossil fuels altogether! Not only do these alternative resources prevent pollution but they also open up vast amounts of employment opportunities offering stability within communities while helping countries reach net zero carbon emissions goals set before 2050 giving us ample time to make world a better place again if we act now! Imagine living longer healthier lives without fear or grief caused by sudden deaths because of hazardous air pollutants? Picture perfect utopian world where everyone can breathe fresh air without worrying about food shortages due global warming issues? One change really is all it takes starting today so let’s take advantage before it’s too late!!
Single-Use Plastic
I am filled with righteous anger and a sense of urgency as I am shocked at the environmental destruction caused by single-use plastics. Once crystal clear lakes and beaches have transformed into repulsive landfills of rotting plastic and water deteriorating into nauseating shade of murky swamps. As single-use plastics take up to 450 years to break down, they will remain in the environment and lead to disastrous consequences for the environment and the health of our planet. 100 million sea creatures die each year from plastic waste alone. 100 000 marine animals die from getting entangled in plastic. Imagine the pain and suffering from all living species that perish from plastic. This is a call to action to ban single-use plastic. It is our moral duty to clean this stain on our society.
Single-use plastics are a major contributor for air pollution. They are responsible for the release of toxic chemicals into the atmosphere, and this has serious implications for our health and for other animals. Microplastics are almost invisible fragments of degraded plastics and it can pose deadly threats for us and other creatures if we ingest it. Microplastics are basically everywhere, and have infiltrated perhaps the most hygienic of areas. For example, microplastics have even been found in large amounts in forest air, while it is common in sea life and on land. Additionally, scientists have confirmed that inhaling pieces of microplastics, infinitely damaging cells and inflaming immune reactions. When this lasts for a long time it can pave the way for serious health issues.
Furthermore, single-use plastics are a major source of waste. Every year, millions of tonnes of single-use plastics are sent to landfills, and this is an enormous waste of resources. This waste can have serious consequences for the environment, as it takes hundreds of years for single-use plastics to break down.
Plastic waste also kills many of our beautiful animals by poisoning waterways and land. Animals have a tendency to ingest plastics as they think it is their prey, which would trigger illnesses which would lead to a painful death. Also, plastic wastage can trap animals, leaving them to slowly waste to their own deaths. For example, turtles can get trapped in seemingly-harmless can holders, causing them to painfully choke and eventually killing them. This is diminishing our natural ecosystems as many animals are slowly dying due to plastic waste.
However, there is a solution to this problem: banning single-use plastics. By simply banning these items, we can significantly reduce our environmental impact and save our world from the treacherous problems of plastic waste. There are various alternatives to single-use plastics, such as reusable bags, water bottles, and straws which could be repeatedly reused. They are not only more sustainable, but also more convenient and cost-effective. Banning these items is a necessary step towards protecting the planet and ensuring a healthy future for all.
Overall Score: 40/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay is well-structured and has a clear thesis statement. However, it could benefit from more transitions between paragraphs to ensure that the ideas flow logically. Additionally, the conclusion should be stronger and provide more of a call-to-action.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay incorporates various persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions, facts & statistics, and an emotional appeal. However, it could use additional examples or anecdotes to make its argument even more powerful. Additionally, some of the language used in the essay is somewhat simplistic and can be strengthened through the use of sophisticated words or phrases.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay does evoke emotion but this element could be further strengthened by adding additional details to create vivid visuals for readers or incorporating metaphors or similes into certain parts of the text to draw attention to specific points being made. Furthermore, some parts are quite generic which can take away from its impactful potential; therefore these sections need to be tweaked with strong language that will truly capture readers’ imaginations so they feel compelled to act on what is being suggested in this piece..
Figurative Language: 6/10 The figurative language used throughout mostly consists of analogies which adds interest but doesn’t do enough work on its own; there needs to be more variety here such as similes and metaphors as well as other types like personification or hyperbole in order for this section score higher marks than six out ten..
Grammar & Syntax: 9/10 The grammar and syntax are generally sound though there are still a few minor errors that detract from perfect scores; specifically sentence structure needs slight revising where appropriate with better word choices for smoother readability otherwise no major issues exist here thus nine out ten makes sense overall rating wise..
Use Of Evidence: 9/10 There is plenty evidence provided throughout including facts & figures plus scientific information along with personal observations all leading towards supporting main points effectively yet one area lacking slightly focus would involve providing sources proving accuracy behind claims especially when making bold statements about consequences for environment health etcetera hence nine point five best mark possible rounded down due lack citation material included within paper itself..
Vocabulary: 8/10 The vocabulary employed ranges across multiple levels depending upon topic at hand meaning some areas require simpler phrasing while others demand increased complexity however improvements can always made boosting nuanced phrasing accordingly elevating writing quality without compromising message delivered since eight just right given appropriate range found throughout entire document itself..
Synonyms (for example): righteous – moralistic; repulsive – revolting; nauseating – sickening; murky – turbid; perish – succumb; insidious – pernicious ; hygienic – sanitary ; fragments – shards ; treacherous – wicked ; diminish– abate
Hamish Writing – Topic Two – Why People Should Adopt a Vegan Lifestyle
Bessie, the cow sits in the hot sun, flies swarming around her desperate eyes, her fattened body being walked to the slaughterhouse. She moans as she stumbles passing rows on rows of carcasses, her tail whips frantically as she is being pulled towards her death, a ticking time bomb. The killing of Bessie is one of thousands of murders that take place in our society everyday all for human greed. As humans, we have abused our power over animals for our own lucrativeness. We have blood on our hands as a society who puts these innocent victims to death without committing a crime. It is a disregard of life and an injustice to all animals who suffer at the hands of glutenous trolls. It is time to stop the slaughtering and start to consider a different choice. The answer is veganism.
For too many years, humans have not considered their food choices and the inhumane treatment of animals in the production of food. It only takes one click on YouTube to see images of cows stepping onto the kill floor, with a worker pulling a pistol to the animal’s forehead and once the trigger is pulled, a chain then hoists them violently into the air, as another worker slashes her throat while her blood gushes like a red tsunami. This type of cruelty is not just in the death of the animal, but also how they have to live from day-to-day. Overcrowding and cramping conditions cause crippling leg problems, skin lesions and infections that eat away at the flesh of the animals. Not only is there physical suffering but the stress caused from barbaric conditions forces animals to bite and harm and other abnormal behaviours. Veganism not only prevents the harm of animals, but also protects our environment. Animal farming causes significant detrimental destruction and is a colossal contributor to climate change, deforestation and water pollution.
Veganism immensely reduces human impact on animals and the world. Veganism is not only an animal friendly choice but is also great for your health and is sustainable. Veganism is beneficial for your health as it reduces your risk of heart disease, cancer and other illnesses. The plant-based diet is full of nutritional benefits which can add years to your life. So, why not become an animal lover, not an accessory to the crimes of murder and injustice of the animal kingdom. This is your wake-up call to make change for your own body and for animals like Bessie!
Overall score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
Persuasive techniques: 9/10
Emotional appeal: 8/10
Figurative language: 7.5/10
Grammar and syntax: 10/10
Use of evidence : 8.5/10
Vocabulary : 4.5 / 10
This is a well-written persuasive essay that highlights the importance of veganism for both animal welfare and environmental protection. The structure is effective, as it clearly outlines the main points in each paragraph, while providing supporting information to back up these claims with strong use of evidence throughout the essay. The emotional appeal works well to draw attention to this issue, but could be improved by including more figurative language such as metaphors and similes to further emphasise certain points made in each paragraph. Additionally, using more sophisticated vocabulary would add further clarity and complexity to this piece which would elevate its overall quality (e.g., replace “glutenous trolls” with “voracious predators”). With these improvements, this essay can become an even stronger piece of persuasive writing that will leave readers feeling moved and compelled to act on such issues related to animal welfare and environmental protection.
Bessie sits listlessly in the searing sun, her eyes wide with desperation as flies swarm around her swollen body; she is being dragged towards her death – a ticking time bomb – like so many other animals before her who have suffered at our hands due to human gluttony for profits over compassion for life itself. We have committed countless crimes against them through our disregard for their wellbeing; yet still, we carry on without consequence or accountability for our actions towards them despite their helplessness against us.. It’s time we make a change from one of destruction towards one of preservation; Veganism offers us just that opportunity!
Not only does it prevent cruelty against animals through providing ethical alternatives free from bloodshed or confinement but it also brings about numerous health benefits ranging from reducing the risk of heart disease or cancer to adding years onto your life expectancy due to nutritional content found within plant-based diets alone! Furthermore, turning away from animal farming has significant implications for climate change reduction alongside deforestation prevention & water pollution conservation making veganism not only beneficial health-wise but environmentally too!
We must no longer turn away when faced with suffering nor should we accept what has become normalized when there are better choices available – let us choose love instead! Let us stand together united in protecting Bessie & others like her by becoming conscious consumers aware that we all have the power in creating positive changes if given enough mindfulness & determination – so why not do something today? You can help shape a better future where justice prevails over greediness so turn away from ignorance & start acting now before another innocent soul loses their life unjustly ever again!