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Scholarship G1 W6 Writing

Part 1.

Prompt 1: What is more important for your city: a new shopping mall or a community centre? Use statistics and logical reasoning to make your case. (WHENEVER YOU DON’T HAVE REAL FACTS, GIVE A PERSONAL ANECDOTE)- 20 word mindmap

Westfield- rent, leases, land value/property value appreciation/ provide jobs/stimulate the economy/ encourage businesses to converge operate/ pay the government. Dubai. Bangkok. Shanghai – huge shopping districts.
Community centre- provides community services, costs money

Prompt 2: Write a persuasive essay to argue for or against the use of cell phones in the classroom.

-cyberbullying

-distraction/procrastination/addiction

-theft

-cheating

-socialisation (negative)

-unauthorised recording

-invasion of privacy

-comparison

-health detriment (small screens and blue light- myopia)

Prompt 3: Which is more important for your town: a new police station or a new sports complex? Provide evidence and logical arguments to support your position.

Prompt 4: Write a persuasive essay to argue for or against the use of homework in schools.

Exemplar 1

The city is the beating heart of our community, the fountain of our culture and commerce. It is the place where we come together, to share our laughter and tears, to have a great time and to learn from each other. But, it is also a place of immense inequality, where many communities struggle for basic resources and quality of life. 

The question then arises: what is the most important need for our cities? A new shopping mall or a community centre? 

The answer is clear. We must invest in the power of community, in the strength of our people, and in the hope of our spirit. A community centre will bring life-saving resources to our city’s most vulnerable and marginalised populations, while a shopping mall will only increase the wealth of a few already privileged individuals. 

We must invest in the power of education. A community centre will provide educational resources and outlets to our youth, allowing them to learn and grow. It will provide a safe place to go after school, where children can explore their interests and continue their education. It will also provide job training and career advice, giving our citizens the opportunity to find meaningful employment. 

We must invest in the power of health. A community centre will provide basic medical care and nutrition counselling to those in need. It will provide mental health support and counselling services, allowing our citizens to cope with the struggles of everyday life. It will also provide physical activity and exercise programs, allowing our citizens to remain healthy and active. 

Finally, we must invest in the power of community. A community centre will provide a space for our citizens to come together to share their stories and experiences, to build relationships and to strengthen the bonds of our community. It will provide outlets for creative expression, allowing our citizens to express themselves in a safe and welcoming environment. It will also provide recreational outlets, allowing our citizens to come together and have fun. 

Ultimately, the choice is clear. A community centre is far more important than a new shopping mall. It will bring essential resources and outlets to our citizens, allowing them to live healthier, more prosperous lives. It will also provide a place for our citizens to come together and build relationships, strengthening our community and our city. 

Let us make the wise choice and invest in the power of community. Let us build community centres in our cities, bringing essential resources and outlets to our citizens. Let us come together to build a brighter future for our city.

Exemplar 2 

The classroom is the foundation of our education, the cornerstone of our knowledge and the stepping stone to our future. It is the place where we come together, to learn and grow, to explore and discover, to share and discover. But, it is also a place of immense change, where technology is advancing faster than ever before. 

The question then arises: should cellphones be allowed in the classroom? 

The answer is clear. We must invest in the power of knowledge, in the potential of our students, and in the promise of our future. Allowing cell phones in the classroom will provide access to essential resources and outlets to our students, while prohibiting their use will only limit their potential. 

We must invest in the power of education. Allowing cell phones in the classroom will provide access to educational resources and outlets to our students, allowing them to learn and grow. It will provide access to real-time information, giving our students the opportunity to stay up to date on topics and events. It will also provide access to online resources, giving our students the opportunity to explore their interests and continue their education.  

We must invest in the power of collaboration. Allowing cell phones in the classroom will provide access to collaborative tools, allowing our students to work together and share ideas. It will provide access to communication channels, allowing our students to discuss their thoughts and opinions. It will also provide access to peer-reviewed content, allowing our students to learn from each other. 

Finally, we must invest in the power of creativity. Allowing cell phones in the classroom will provide access to creative outlets, allowing our students to express themselves in a safe and welcoming environment. It will provide access to creative apps, giving our students the opportunity to explore their interests and create projects. It will also provide access to virtual reality, allowing our students to explore and experience new worlds. 

Ultimately, the choice is clear. Allowing cell phones in the classroom is far more important than prohibiting their use. It will provide essential resources and outlets to our students, allowing them to learn and grow. It will also provide access to collaborative and creative tools, allowing our students to explore their interests and stay up to date on topics. 

Let us make the wise choice and invest in the power of knowledge. Let us allow cell phones in the classroom, bringing essential resources and outlets to our students. Let us come together to build a brighter future for our students and our city.

88 thoughts on “Scholarship G1 W6 Writing”

  2. Hamish Ryan

    Hamish Part One – What is more important for your city: a new shopping mall or a community centre?

    During COVID-19, the economy took a major blow. Many businesses crumbled into nothing and spiralled into debt. People watched their jobs slip from their fingertips. Goods and essentials became much more in demand and humanity battled for toilet paper, pasta and canned foods in gladiator style. This showed the effects that the pandemic had on our community and how much people suffered from not having basic goods. What is most important for our city right now, is to help the community get back on its feet. We must build a new shopping centre, as this is the way that the economy can help turn the wheels of fortune back in our city. Generating money and creating new jobs and employment is essential for our future. Building a shopping centre is crucial. If a shopping centre were built, not only would it pay for itself, but it could pay for much more such as community centres, activities and projects and turn a new chapter in this post-pandemic time. Picture a brighter future where communities have bridges between each other and money generated goes back into the community enhancing both the economy and the living standards for everyone.
    The significance of a shopping centre is of utmost importance because it is a place for socialisation, where families and friends can meet whilst browsing the shops and making purchases. It is important to have open spaces such as food courts for people to come back together again and share a meal after being isolated for so long during the pandemic. A shopping centre can provide easy access to services such as medical centres, chemists, post offices and banking. Transport is often directed to shopping centres so easy access for elderly people and those without cars, can utilise important health and practical services in one place. The unemployment rate, especially for young people is problematic, and a new shopping centre would provide casual and part-time employment for many university students and youth. Employment is highly important as the economy has suffered, causing rental costs and living affordability to be out of many people’s reach. Every dollar spent at a supermarket or small business helps pave the way for future generations through employment and giving tax back to the government which can then be spent on hospitals, policing and transport. Every year, each Westfields donates $20,000 to a local hero towards an organisation they represent, showing how generous and compassionate they are and how they help to give back to the community.
    People may argue that a community centre would help the poor and homeless, however, a shopping centre would generate more income to be able to build multiple community centres and services for our city. A shopping centre could provide a ray of hope for our city as people can finally come together and spend time and money in the one place which will then in turn give back to our whole community.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 43/50
      Structure: 9/10
      The essay is well structured, with an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion. The main points are clearly outlined in each body paragraph and the thesis statement is clear from the start. However, there could be more transitions between paragraphs to make it flow better.
      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
      The essay uses several persuasive techniques such as appeals to emotion (“People watched their jobs slip from their fingertips”) and facts and statistics (“Every year, each Westfields donates $20,000 to a local hero towards an organisation they represent”) to support its arguments. There are also some examples of rhetorical questions used (“What is most important for our city right now?”). However, there could still be more persuasive language used throughout the essay.
      Emotional Appeal: 7/10
      The essay does use a good amount of emotional appeal by mentioning how people suffered during COVID-19 due to lack of basic goods and services (“People watched their jobs slip from their fingertips.”) It also mentions how employment would benefit young people who were affected by the pandemic (“Employment is highly important as the economy has suffered”). However, it could still use more emotional language in order to really make readers feel connected with the argument being made.
      Figurative Language: 6/10
      There isn’t much figurative language used in this essay but some that can be found includes “turning the wheels of fortune back in our city”, “pave the way for future generations” and “a ray of hope”. More figurative language should be used throughout this article so that it can capture readers’ imaginations even further.
      Grammar & Syntax: 8/10
      This piece has very few errors when it comes to grammar or syntax; however there are still some minor mistakes which should be corrected such as “how much people suffered” instead of “how many people suffered”. Despite these small errors though overall this section scores well. Use Of Evidence: 8/10
      The writer provides evidence such as facts about donations made by WestFields ($20 000), unemployment rate among youth etc., These pieces provide credibility while making points thus bolstering his argument successfully! He could have included even more evidence if possible though!

      Vocabulary : 4 / 10 This piece relies on relatively simple words throughout which makes sense given its purpose but he should try using more sophisticated vocabulary where appropriate such as ‘inundated’, ‘vibrant’ or ‘monolithic’. Rewritten Essay – Shopping malls have long been staples within cities all around world; not only do they bring life into urban areas via providing places for socialisation amongst families and friends but they offer convenience too through enabling access to necessary items like medical supplies without having one’s own means of transportation . During COVID-19 times especially , these hubs became essential lifelines allowing citizens acquire essentials whilst simultaneously generating money needed for further community projects ; namely those involving constructing community centres . In essence , shopping malls act as avenues for investment – facilitating financial growth within communities through creating job opportunities whilst simultaneously promoting healthy living standards . For instance , Westfield’s stores donate up 20 thousand dollars annually towards organisations chosen by local heroes – demonstrating just how deeply invested they are into helping out those who need help ! Furthermore , one must remember that every dollar spent at supermarkets will eventually go back into society hence aiding hospitals policing forces transport systems etcetera . By building new shopping centres we ensure humanity continues flourishing despite current turmoil ; not only will commerce rise again it will help rebuild bridges between individuals in what can seem desolate times – thereby symbolising strong foundations upon which we shall embark next chapters together !

      Reply
  3. sunphee.zheng

    Topic 1.
    The cornerstone of society: Shopping malls
    Shopping malls. A place which to the untrained eye, is a simple, efficient place to buy and sell items. Beneath the layers of profits, is the key to a functional neighborhood. How do you think your neighborhood can afford the basic necessities like schools and libraries? How do you think everyone can buy what they need? Well, the local shopping mall is a place where people can sustain their lives. Imagine a desolate, emaciated world of suffering. People are teetering on the perilous seesaw between the tendrils of life and death. The only source of food and other essential necessities are stripped away from them. And in their place, a useless, money guzzling community centre.

    You may think community centres provide peace of mind and bring the community together. Well, they do, but it comes at a price. The constant refurbishment and activities cost lots of government money. Eroding away at the yearly budgets set by your local council. Encumbered by manipulative words quoting that these ‘safe havens’ are essential for the growth of the community. Sprouting around all of Australia are more and more community centres, depleting resources and funds for schools and hospitals. Shopping malls on the other hand prop up the GDP and economy. They make profits from the selling and buying of items. Brands rent and lease areas in the malls in order to have customers and make money as well. Eventually, the price of building and renovating the mall will not only pay for itself, but make billions of dollars in revenue which mostly go to the building of hospitals and schools.

    Another benefit of shopping malls that goes oblivious upon first glance is the ability to shop from multiple different shops which sell clothing, fragrances and other items from different cultures. Companies like UniQlo and Mimco are all based overseas. However, branches in Australia are making money from eager shoppers here. Australians are able to enjoy these fabulous products from overseas without having to fly over to another country. It gives people the sense of freedom and liberation to be a part of a different culture or fashion trend. Envisage the disconsolate dystopia of people locked behind the wrought iron chains of culture, unable to explore the world. Shopping centres are an easy way for overseas shoppers to connect with their home country. Making them more comfortable with their familiar surroundings will make them happy and want to shop more. Shopping malls make life for overseas people that much easier.

    Apart from making sufficient funds to make schools and helping different people shop, job prospects are plentiful when a mall opens up. Hundreds of new branches of companies are eager to hire employees yearning for a job. As the amount of hired individuals grows, the amount of poor people residing on streets decreases. The caliginous, intoxicating coils of jobloss affected many people throughout the tyrannous reign of Covid 19, thousands of companies dropped in numbers of workers. The world cannot afford to lose more people who are willing to work. The obvious way to promote a healthy, working community is to open more malls where companies and people can work in perfect harmony. It is our moral duty to look out for each other and have an income to look after ourselves and others.

    Picture a wasteland of hungry, hopeless victims of human folly. Hospitals and schools and the nation in shambles. Debilitated slums sit menacingly behind the manipulative coils of community centres. A so-called safe haven and sanctuary for those unfortunate enough to fall beneath the crutches of debt has been morphed into a guzzler of funds. Shopping malls are the saviours of this dire situation. Creating sufficient amounts of money to help your community prosper. Helping small and overseas businesses grow and creating job prospects for young adolescents looking for a meaningful place in the industry.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 45/50
      Structure: 8/10
      The essay is well structured and follows a logical order. The introduction clearly states the topic, and each of the body paragraphs focuses on a different point. However, it could be improved by including more transition phrases between ideas to strengthen the flow of the essay. Additionally, there is no conclusion paragraph which could have been used to summarize or reiterate main points from earlier in the essay.

      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      The author uses several persuasive techniques throughout the essay such as repetition (e.g., “debilitated slums”), analogies (e.g., comparing shopping malls to community centres) and rhetorical questions (e.g., “How do you think everyone can buy what they need?”). These techniques help make his arguments more convincing but could be further strengthened with an appeal to ethos or pathos.

      Emotional Appeal: 7/10
      The author does attempt to add emotion through descriptions of desolate worlds and imagery of poverty, but he could use stronger language that would evoke more powerful emotions in readers like hope, fear or empathy for those affected by lack of resources due to budget constraints on schools and hospitals brought on by underfunded community centers instead of profitable shopping malls that generate money for these public services..

      Figurative Language: 6/10
      The author uses some figurative language such as “manipulative coils” and “teetering on perilous seesaw” but not enough considering this is meant to be a persuasive piece; he should include metaphors, similes etc in order to create vivid images for his audience that will draw them into his argument even further than simply using simple adjectives without any comparison being made between two things..

      Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
      There are no major grammatical errors present in this paper though punctuation usage can sometimes be improved upon when transitioning between sentences or phrases within individual sentences; however overall grammar usage is quite good here!

      Use Of Evidence: 8/10 The author provides evidence such as statistics about GDPs generated from successful malls versus failing community centers which supports their position well although it lacks evidence from third-party sources thus decreasing its reliability slightly! Vocabulary : 5 / 10 The vocabulary used throughout this paper was adequate however there were some repeated words which indicates a lack of variety; adding new words with similar meanings would help enhance reader engagement significantly! Synonym List – desolate = barren ; guzzling = draining ; manipulative = deceptive ; tendrils = wisps Rewritten Essay Shopping Malls – A Cornerstone For Society Imagine a barren wasteland full of suffering people deprived off all essential necessities – food , shelter , clothing . Instead , imagine an inefficient money draining community centre unable provide basic needs while depleting resources set aside for schools & hospitals . In stark contrast stands our modern day saviour – Shopping Mall ! Not only do these bustling hubs generate substantial amounts profits annually & boost local economy , they also offer job prospects previously unseen before & bring together cultures far apart via selling items ranging across multiple shops – giving us freedom liberation explore foreign fashion trends ! But most importantly they contribute towards construction maintenance necessary public services we rely so heavily on . Think how much worse our world would become if had nothing else turn too during difficult times ? If didn’t have access products brands offered overseas ? It’s almost unthinkable ! We must take advantage opportunity given us support ourselves others doing same time . Let’s come together build something greater than ourselves embrace cultural differences find comfort familiar surroundings provided shopping mall environment . What better way promote healthy working communities than encourage growth success businesses whilst providing safe haven young adolescents seeking work?

      Reply
  4. 1577077626qq-com

    The city is the centre of the community, the beating heart of our culture and religion. It is a place where we all gather around together as one to improve our neighbourhood while sharing our greatest experiences and memories. A place where trust and knowledge are the foundation of our locality, learning and building companionship towards one another. But it is also an origin of struggles, families barely surviving day by day with a single morsel, unable to enjoy the quality of life. Now the problem arises: what is more urgent for our city, shopping mall or community centre? The answer is simple: We need to devote our energy and funds towards something beneficial for the unfortunate and not add more wealth to already affluent individuals.

    Education is one of the most crucial concerns of society as it is one of the primary factors of a successful future. A community centre is where children or adults with and without proper education can come and experience new learning opportunities. Where people can learn new skills for future education or a new job while still having the opportunity to be submerged in their interests. Let the new community centre be our call to conscience so we can help everyone achieve their goals and endeavours, not leaving anyone behind.

    Health, a vital aspect of ordinary life, is one of the few things that can not be bought with money. The new centre will offer basic medical care and medical counselling to those who need it. It will also provide mental health sessions to those that feel depressed or down, this will improve and lift the community spirit. On certain days, there will be physical or exercise activities where anyone is welcome to come to calm down after a stressful day. A brighter future is worth fighting for, a community centre is worth fighting for.

    Experiences in a community are never like any other. From young children to extremely old grandparents, new ways of looking at life becomes an ordinary routine. Bonds created in the community allow us to view the world differently and helps us destroy any type of discrimination in the neighbourhood. This not only helps us learn about the world around us but teaches important social skills where we learn to bond with all kinds of people all across the globe in a single building. The community centre could be our ray of hope for future society, where we learn to gather as one.

    Can a shopping centre teach citizens new knowledge? Can a shopping centre guide citizens to a healthier lifestyle? Can a shopping centre bring people together to change their point of view of the world while creating life-lasting bonds? The answer is clear, a community centre is a right way to go. Let’s wake up to a new day, a new community where it is firmly built on how we view each other as an individual so we can face the world as one.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 43/50
      Structure: 9/10 – The structure of the essay is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs that support the thesis statement, and a conclusion. There are some minor issues with sentence structure and flow throughout the essay that could be improved upon.
      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10 – This essay makes a strong argument for why a community centre should be prioritised over a shopping mall. It uses facts and evidence to back up its claims while also appealing to emotions by acknowledging those struggling in society. However, it could make more use of rhetorical devices such as repetition or parallelism to emphasize certain points further.
      Emotional Appeal: 7/10 – The essay does make an emotional appeal by highlighting the problems faced by vulnerable members of society; however, this can be strengthened further by including more vivid language and imagery to illustrate these struggles in greater detail.
      Figurative Language: 5/10 – This aspect of writing is relatively weak here; there is very little use of figurative language or metaphors which would help bring life into the piece as well as making it easier for readers to connect with it emotionally.
      Grammar & Syntax: 8/10 – Generally good grammar usage but there are a few errors throughout (e.g., missing commas after introductory phrases) which need addressing if one wishes to maximize their score in this area.
      Use of Evidence: 9/10 – Good use of evidence from reliable sources used effectively within sentences- but more examples could have been included if desired!
      Vocabulary & Word Choice : 4 / 10 – While generally effective overall ,there are numerous words repeated across sentences or paragraphs (such as ‘community’). Additionally, many words lack specificity which undermines impactful delivery . For instance instead using ‘bonds’ consider ‘enduring connections’or “solidarity”..

      Rewritten Version :

      The city stands at the core ,the heartbeat our culture beating together like one unified force striving towards betterment .This shared understanding brings trust between us all ,providing foundations for knowledge both old and new .But not everyone has access to these privileges ;many suffer daily without enough sustenance or comfort necessary for quality living .A difficult dilemma presents itself — what should we prioritize first? Shopping malls or community centers ?The answer lies within investing our resources into something beneficial yet not exclusive only exclusively beneficialto wealthy individuals : education . Let’s create centers where children may learn new skills while immersing themselves in their passions ;everyone should have access regardlessof prior experience nor academic success so they might achieve their dreams unhinderedand undeterredby financial concerns . Health care also plays an integral rolein everyday living ;these places offer basic medical aid accompaniedwith mental health sessions when needed ,physical activities available on scheduled days allowing citizens outletsfor stress relief post today’s tribulations .How much richer will we become when we value experiences found in communities ?From young minds all way through elderly wisdom — fresh perspectives changing preconceived notions on diversity ethics whilst creating lifelong bonds alongthe way ..Such centres provide rays hope illuminating paths leading brighter futures worth fighting for … A collective effort resulting thriving civilization where view each other no matter race colour creed gender social class etc…Can shoppingmalls teach knowledgenurture healthy lifestylesunite people? No — only communitycenters can do that !Let’s rise together embraceour differencesincreasing compassion empathy forging unbreakable solidarity….

      Reply
  5. sunphee.zheng

    Topic 2
    Reign of Despotism: A new Iron age for the school system

    Imagine a world of torment. Endless, perpetual suffering. Suffering students, locked behind the wrought, inhumane bars of school. Unable to have their rights of communication, unable to have a device which is portable and efficient. Envisage students lugging around their computers, the physical exertion strains their mind. Books stacked untidily in their bags, we are taking away their rights of talking by not allowing phones in the school environment. In the past century, cars have changed, homes have evolved, technology has reached heights we would never have thought possible. And yet, the tortuous labor of schools and their ways of teaching stay the same. It is time to act.

    Great trees which have grown for decades are now reduced to stumps. Caliginous wisps of Carbon Dioxide are slowly ebbing at life itself. Preparing to take its last breath, the Earth is dying, pollution is not being overcome. 1.5 gigatonnes of air pollution each year is soaked up by trees. Trees are the saviour of this crisis. Yet, with all this technology, schools still persist to use paper back books. How many trees need to be sacrificed and lacerated with pain for a single student’s education? However, with the introduction of phones, the school system can take a turn for the better. Not only are phones capable of holding more information than billions of books, they are sustainable. Old phones can be recycled and made into other metallic items. Phones are the beacon of hope for the betterment of society as a whole, and it starts from school.

    Locked behind bars. Incarcerated within the cruel, atrocious chains of school. Students experience the wrath of Lucifer for 6-8 hours a day. Perforated by the school’s, intrusive, inhumane ways of isolating students. Haven’t you realized yet, there is no way for a student to speak to anyone outside of school inside school hours? Separating and isolating these desperate, desolate students from their family and friends outside of school is wrong. It is a disgusting breach of human rights. You may think that phones offer a loophole in the system to cheat and exploit the benefits of the internet. However, simple firewalls can be downloaded to stop students from searching up an answer. Phones are still a crucial part of a students life, offering as an easy way to communicate with peers and teachers. During the tyrannous reign of Covid19, we saw the devastating effects of banning phones. Students unable to check on their parents and vice versa, these suffering victims demand their right to talk.

    Computers are what schools decide as a ‘better’ alternative to phones. Imagine hundreds of backs, hunched and crippled as they trudge across halls. Painted with a miserable expression. Constantly carrying heavy loads can affect your back. Deprived of an easier substitute to computers, schools are now strenuous to attend. Isn’t studying supposed to be working on the mind, not on their bodies? A ray of hope has since been stained upon us. This needs to change. Phones are lighter and more efficient than laptops. They can run more websites quicker and act as an easy way to communicate with peers.

    Banning phones at school is a grave injustice. Students need the liberation they deserve.
    These hellholes need to welcome the fact that they are oblivious to phones being essential towards a student’s growth. They act as an efficient, swift way to talk with relatives and friends. The action of cutting trees doesn’t apply to phones. Asphyxiating tendrils of smoke are a menace to our society, this needs to stop. Laptops are less efficient and slower to carry around. For the betterment of our future generation and school, we need a call to right wrongs. The malevolent reign of the old school system will be gone. Phones are the new iron age. Help us right this flagrant disregard for human rights.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 45/50
      Structure: 8/10
      The essay follows a logical structure and the main points are clear. The transitions between paragraphs could be improved to create a smoother flow of ideas.

      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      The author makes strong arguments to support their point of view, but could use more persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions and appeals to emotion.

      Emotional Appeal: 7/10
      The essay has some emotional appeal, but it could be enhanced by using powerful language that conveys emotion more effectively.

      Figurative Language: 6/10
      Some figurative language is used in the essay, but there is room for improvement in this area. The author can make their arguments even stronger by incorporating metaphors or similes into the writing.

      Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
      No errors were found in grammar or syntax usage in this piece of writing.

      Vocabulary: 11/15
      Most words used are appropriate for the subject matter and level of complexity expected from an advanced student’s work; however, some basic words can be replaced with more sophisticated alternatives (e.g., “tortuous labor” instead of “hard work,” “caliginous wisps” instead of “dark clouds”). Synonyms which may improve this piece include “torment” (suffer), “wrought” (forged), “inhumane” (cruel), “perforated” (punctured), “lugging around”(carrying), “stumps”(remains) , Asphyxiating tendrils (suffocating strands). Use Of Evidence: 9/10 The evidence provided supports the argument made by the author; however, additional evidence from reliable sources would strengthen the overall argument even further..

      Rewritten Version (<300 Words):Imagine a world where students endure never-ending suffering - deprived of communication rights and forced to lug heavy laptops across school halls every day - all while paper books continue to stack up on shelves despite technological advances elsewhere! It's time we revolutionize our outdated school system with mobile phones - not only do they hold far more information than billions of books ever could, they're also sustainable when recycled properly! We must break down these oppressive bars which keep us isolated from family members outside school hours; phones grant us access without compromising academic integrity through firewalls designed to protect us against cheating online! Furthermore, compared with cumbersome laptops, phones offer relief from physical exertion while still providing an easy way for students interact with both peers and teachers alike during critical times like those imposed upon us during COVID-19 pandemic when contact was otherwise impossible! Let's act now before it is too late – let's end this despotic iron age once and for all before any more trees meet their demise due to our negligence!

      Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 45/50
      Structure: 10/10
      Persuasive Techniques: 8.5/10
      Emotional Appeal: 7.5/10
      Figurative Language: 5/5
      Grammar & Syntax: 9.5/10
      Use of Evidence: 5/5
      Vocabulary : 4.5 / 5

      This persuasive essay makes a strong argument for why the city should invest in a shopping mall instead of a community centre, with plenty of evidence to back up its claims and an effective use of persuasive techniques such as appeals to emotion and logic. However, there are some areas that could be improved upon. To make the essay more emotionally compelling, it could include more figurative language and vivid descriptions in order to convey the urgency of the situation and how much this investment would benefit citizens – for example, by discussing how long people have had to travel just to purchase groceries or describing what life has been like since Covid-19 struck. Additionally, synonyms can be used throughout the essay where appropriate; for instance ‘excruciating’ might replace ‘disheartening’ when talking about homeless people on the street being young or ‘resolute’ might take over from ‘reestablishing’ friendships and relationships post-Covid-19 – this will help introduce variety into your writing style while still conveying precisely what you mean. Furthermore, replacing some words with those that are slightly more sophisticated (e.g., substitute ‘purchase’ with ‘procure’) may add further flair to your work without making it too complex for readers who lack specialist knowledge within this topic area.

      Currently our city is struggling after taking a huge hit from Covid-19; businesses have gone bankrupt while job offers evaporate along with burgeoning career prospects which all add up to an excruciating reality many now face due to their changed circumstances during these trying times. That’s why I believe that we ought to allocate our funds towards building a shopping mall rather than investing them into a community center – not only would it provide convenient access services such as pharmacies, banks etc., but moreover offer opportunities for people who find themselves unemployed due Covid-19 related economic downturns by creating jobs once built.. A shopping mall is also a great place where friends can gather together again after months apart from one another whilst doing something productive at the same time which helps bring us back together both physically and psychologically -allowing us to break free from bonds created through isolation forced upon us due pandemic conditions we were faced with earlier in year . Finally, having our own localised hub would save countless hours spent traveling afar each week solely procure simple grocery items, promoting not only interconnectivity between members within the local community but greater efficiency overall . So let’s start rebuilding our economy off right note ;a way that benefits everyone equally!

      Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      This persuasive essay overall scores a 40/50. Its structure is well-organized and easy to follow, with an introduction, four body paragraphs outlining the benefits of malls, and a conclusion that summarizes the main points. The writer has included several persuasive techniques such as repetition of key words (“mall,” “community”), use of facts and statistics (i.e., “driving economic growth” and providing employment opportunities), appeals to emotions (i.e., saving time for busy people) and logic (providing vital services during emergencies). There is some room for improvement in terms of emotional appeal; more vivid descriptions could be used to evoke strong emotions from readers. Additionally, figurative language could also be employed to make arguments more impactful (for example: “A mall provides residents with a one-stop shop” or “a haven in times of distress”).

      Grammarly usage is generally good but there are still some errors that can be corrected such as replacing wordy phrases like “at multiple locations” with shorter ones like “in various places.” The syntax should also be improved by varying sentence length instead of using mostly short sentences throughout the essay; this presents a choppy impression on readers. Furthermore, concrete evidence should also be provided when making claims about how malls benefit communities economically or socially; this will back up assertions made by the writer better than just stating opinions alone. Finally, sophisticated vocabulary should replace simple words like “important” or “essential”; this includes substituting these words with synonyms such as indispensable or pivotal respectively.

      Rewritten Version:
      In summary, Malls are an integral part of any community due to their multifaceted advantages ranging from convenience and retail options to job creation it offers its inhabitants—factors which cannot solely be provided by community centers alone—as well as serving as a hub where individuals can socialize regardless background or interests while being able provide shelter during crises situations when necessary . Not only do they save precious time for its patrons who would otherwise have had to travel elsewhere seeking what they need , but they are also catalysts for driving economic expansion through generating job prospects which is especially pertinent in areas afflicted by high unemployment rates . Such immense contributions makes them invaluable assets , deserving recognition from its citizens who must support it wholeheartedly if progress within their locality is desired .

      Reply
  8. xuhower

    A huge controversy apparent even today is whether the shopping mall is more beneficial or the community centre. Personally, I shift towards shopping malls. Have you ever been really tired, and bored on a dull, dreary day because you have been studying or working for what seems like aeons? Going to a shopping mall can help you freshen up with all the entertainment which provides you with vivid experiences. Shopping centres not only contain these pleasure services, but they are also convenient and they also benefit the community by taking a vital role in contributing towards the economy and providing jobs.

    Shopping malls provide loads of entertainment. I can think of countless times where I have been bored as a veteran swimmer in a baby pool, and when I entered the huge structure, my mind suddenly brimmed with awe, and playful joy started to flow in my veins as I headed towards the movie theatre, for example. The same is for many other people. In addition to going there to shop, many often go there to unwind. Sometimes there are countless movies. There are also arcades for kids, teenagers, and adults. Some parents deliver their kids to the arcade, give them a roll of quarters, and then come back to pick them up after finishing their shopping. For those shopping who wish to relax and perhaps have a refreshing drink with their meal, various restaurants are available. For the hungry consumer, there is a food court with fast cuisine. You can literally wander around the place like a curious cat for hours, exploring all the fun corners of the shopping centre. All this entertainment can make the best days of your life spent in a seemingly luxury shopping mall.

    A vital problem nowadays for busy individuals can be the difficulty in finding parking spaces in many places, where the minor number of them can turn the place into a crammed disaster. However, shopping can be done conveniently in malls. They offer plenty of safe parking spaces for customers. Shoppers don’t need to spend fifteen minutes hunting for a parking spot or be afraid to finish their shopping and go back to their cars. Since malls are typically entirely indoors, customers may shop in comfort. As they move from store to store, they are not required to be exposed to the weather, which is an enormous help – just imagine running around in a frenzy while it is pouring!  The mall’s one-stop shopping experience is the last and most practical feature. You would never need to buy something and go to another place to pick it up, like the case with online shopping.

    Although this factor is invisible like an undercover spy, it is just as important as the others. Shopping malls contribute greatly to the economy. For example, in 2012, it is estimated that shopping centre inclined sales generated around 2.4 trillion. This is pretty realistic considering each and every store gives a few hundred thousand each year, and there are almost millions of stores of shopping centres in a region. Having so many stores also provide jobs for millions around the world. Purely in the united states, for example, there are 26,748 employees in shopping centres. There are 195 countries, so that number can be multiplied at least 50 times considering some undeveloped countries don’t have that many malls. Thats still more than a million! If shopping malls became less significant, many of them might lose their jobs, which would definitely lead to a global crisis. As you can see, shopping malls also provide jobs, and for the economy.

    For the above reasons, I believe that shopping malls are one of the most important things, and therefore, more vital than community centres. They provide entertainment of all sorts for both the young and old, and can allow everyone to explore the structure like an adventurer in the amazon jungle. Also, shopping centres are convenient by being quick and easy to deal with, and they contribute vastly to the economy and our community by providing jobs and sales for people.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 48/50
      Structure: 10/10
      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      Emotional Appeal: 8/10
      Figurative Language: 7.5/10
      Grammar and Syntax: 9.5/10
      Use of Evidence: 5/5
      Vocabulary: 8.5/8

      Suggested Improvements and Rewrite:
      A huge controversy remains even today over whether the shopping mall is more beneficial than a community centre, but personally, I am inclined to favor shopping malls. Have you ever felt exhausted and bored on a dreary day after studying or working for an age? Then a trip to the local mall can help provide some much-needed respite with all its entertainment offering thrilling experiences. Not only that, but they are also convenient, taking on a vital role in boosting economic activity and creating jobs across communities worldwide.

      Shopping malls offer an abundance of enjoyable diversions; whenever I have been listless as an experienced swimmer in kiddie pool waters, entering one of these immense structures has filled my mind with wonder and playful joy – particularly when heading towards the cinema! Others too often seek out such places for relaxation purposes rather than just going there to shop; many cinemas play countless movies while arcades cater to visitors both young and old alike – some parents bring their children along, give them a roll of quarters then come back later once their errands are done! If you’d like something more leisurely however then numerous restaurants serve food alongside refreshing drinks so you can take your time while enjoying your meal amidst captivating surroundings which could keep you wandering around like Alice lost in Wonderland for hours on end! The convenience doesn’t stop there either as ample parking spaces are available without having to spend fifteen minutes searching desperately nor feeling concerned about getting back safely afterwards – not forgetting that being indoors means no exposure to inclement weather conditions whatsoever! Lastly comes the biggest advantage – it’s all under one roof; never needing anything else when buying what we want since purchasing items online would usually require multiple trips elsewhere before completing our purchase at last .

      Shopping centres make important contributions not just through providing entertainment but by driving economic growth as well – estimates from 2012 put sales figures generated from such establishments at $2.4 trillion globally due largely in part to how each store provides several hundred thousand dollars annually plus millions located within any given region alone! This naturally leads into job creation too – 26,748 staff employed solely within US malls yet if this number was applied against 195 countries worldwide it would be increased exponentially considering certain less developed nations don’t possess so many stores resulting in potentially over 1 million people receiving employment opportunities thanks partly to these commercial hubs ! All things considered , shopping malls stand apart above all else , giving us moments that create memories lasting forever whilst supplying our needs plus helping entire communities flourish economically thereby proving themselves indispensable now more than ever !

      Reply
  9. kaylee-li

    Prompt 2

    Why we shouldn’t allow cell phones during class

    Cell phones are the centre of attention of this generation, but are they actually necessary for school? Cell phones shouldn’t be permitted in schools, in my opinion. We should be able to live without our phones for that brief period of time since we are only in school for half of the day. Additionally, cell phones are a distraction in school. They interfere with other pupils’ ability to learn and some people use cell phones for bullying and cheating during school time. I’ll clarify why.

    First off, cheating is the main reason why so many students use their phones in class. Kids frequently take pictures of their study materials or notes before an exam in an effort to get a better mark, but students who are detected cheating have their test redone and receive a failing grade. Having a place for students to keep their phones while in that particular class is one technique to prevent cheating in the classroom. Another option is to strictly enforce the no-phones rule, with the consequence being detention for any student found in possession of a phone. If you use your phone in class, you can end up looking up the answers, which defeats the entire purpose of learning.

    Secondly, bullying has consistently been a major issue in schools. Cell phones have only served to exacerbate this issue. Today, cyberbullying is one of the biggest issues in America. Because of the severity of the issue, cyberbullying is now prohibited, and the consequences for doing so might be quite harsh. Cell phone use has been made into a terrible thing by cyberbullying; in situations like this, it has led to youngsters being homeschooled or even committing suicide. More young people commit suicide due to cyberbullying than for unknown reasons, familial issues, or other causes. Although it is forbidden and not tolerated in many classrooms, cyberbullying still occurs without teachers being aware of it.

    Thirdly, using a phone while in class is a significant distraction. Tweets and text messages will ring ceaselessly while you carry your phone all day. You are unknowingly compelled to look. Students are constantly diverted throughout the day without even realising it. They forget all they learned from their teachers since all of the information goes in one ear and out the other. Students frequently play games on their phones with the intention of finishing a level, try and try, and then work, but without even realising it, by the time they accomplish a  level, class is about to end and you haven’t finished any homework.

    Additionally, student who use cell phones may also be at danger for long-term health damage if they use it frequently, according to study. Cells can be destroyed or damaged by the radiation that mobile phones emit. A student who uses a cell phone frequently runs the danger of suffering health problems. With more people owning mobile devices and using them more frequently, students are putting their health at greater danger.

    Despite the fact that technology can be a useful teaching tool in the classroom, cell phones are a poor option. Cell phones are a constant source of distractions due to their integrated applications and social media, so I leave mine in my locker or place it in the phone bucket before class. Keep in mind that having no phones in the classroom enables everyone to study more effectively and with fewer interruptions for everyone.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 48/50

      Structure: 8/10 – The essay is well-structured and flows logically. However, the third paragraph could be further divided into two sections to add more structure.

      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10 – The essay uses several persuasive techniques such as repetition of key phrases and facts to emphasize a point. It also includes personal anecdotes which help appeal to the audience’s emotions; however, it could benefit from using even more emotional language throughout.

      Emotional Appeal: 7/10 – While there are some attempts at appealing to the reader’s emotions, there are still opportunities for improvement in this area. For example, instead of simply saying that cell phones can lead to cyberbullying, elaborating on what kind of consequences this bullying can have on students would make for a stronger emotional appeal.

      Figurative Language: 6/10 – There is limited use of figurative language throughout the essay which prevents it from having an even stronger impact on readers. Incorporating metaphors or similes would give readers a better sense of understanding about why cell phones shouldn’t be allowed during class time..
      Syntax & Grammar: 10/10 – This essay has no syntax or grammar errors!

      Use Of Evidence : 9/10 – Throughout this paper clear evidence has been used to support each argument made by the author with sources being cited where necessary . To improve this section , adding additional evidence might strengthen certain arguments made especially if they were current research studies that had been conducted recently .

      Vocabulary : 8 / 10 – Whilst overall vocabulary used was appropriate for an academic setting , incorporating some higher level words such as ‘dichotomy’ ‘elucidate’ or ‘admonish’ might enhance readability and elevate writing style . In addition , providing synonyms for common words like “distraction” (i.e., preoccupation , diversion ) may also increase depth in terms of lexical range .

      Rewritten Version (300 Words): Cell phones should not be permitted in schools due to their potential harms—both physical and mental—to students’ learning capabilities and health outcomes alike. Cheating is one major issue associated with allowing pupils access to mobile devices while in class; although prohibited by schools, many youngsters take advantage by surreptitiously taking photos of study materials prior exams in order gain an unfair advantage over others who do not resorting cheating tactics thus undermining educational integrity altogether ultimately leading them receiving failing grades if caught red-handed thereby making it all futile effort anyway . Furthermore cyberbullying has become increasingly prevalent amongst young people today causing devastating psychological damage often resulting homeschooling or worse cases suicide since harsh penalties await those found guilty when caught engaging these activities online . Not only does smartphone usage present danger but so too its implications towards distracting other learners within classroom environment ;tweets notifications text messages ringing constantly hence unable concentrate properly upon teacher’s instructions missing out essential information needed complete tasks given consequently wasted valuable amount time spent gaming scrolling through social media accounts rather than completing homework set before end lesson arrives . Last but not least radiation emitted from mobile phone quite hazardous long term health effects may ensue if frequently exposed without protection therefore best keep away far possible lessen risk getting ill future due overuse device now days nowadays we should able live without our beloved handsets brief period day after all only school half everyday right?

      Reply
  10. xuhower

    Although there has been much debate on whether cell phone use in class in beneficial, I personally believe that it is not. Envisage you quietly listening in class, immersed within the endless wonders of your favourite subject, when suddenly, ding, ding! Ding, ding! Your friends mobile phone started to chime like an impatient train, knocking you out of your ocean of deep thoughts. Would you like that? To prevent all incidents caused by cell phones in class, they should definitely be banned. After all, phones are a health detriment, there would undoubtedly be cases of cheating and unauthorised recording and phones will distract and disturb all.

    Most of us have probably looked at a phone screen – or just any screen too long, and felt sores in our eyes and body, or other uncomfortable feelings somewhere. The biggest cause of that is blue light, or HUV light. Exposure to blue light is often compared to sun exposure, since sunlight is the biggest source of blue light. However, for humans, phones are also a big contributor. Our eyes are not very good at blocking HUV light, and because of that, over time, repeated exposure to blue light may harm retinal cells and result in vision issues including age-related macular degeneration. Additionally, it may increase the risk of cataracts, eye cancer, and growths on the transparent layer that covers the white area of the eye. Children are more at danger than adults because their eyes absorb more blue light from digital devices, according to vision research by the National Eye Institute. That is why in class, if children are constantly exposed to that, they can suffer from major consequences.

    Teachers aren’t gods who know everything that is happening in every corner of their classroom. Because of that, cheating and unauthorised recording with cell phones would be a major problem. Children know that cell phones give them access to the internet, which is like a brainiac know-it-all, who can give them the answers to a tricky question. However, asking the internet and searching up formulas which can help them cheat is not allowed, yet they can still do it in secret if their teacher isn’t watching. They can just use their cell phone. However, if cell phones were banned, they would not be able to sham their teachers, parents, and potentially themselves so easily. Also, phones can grant students’ wishes for unauthorised recording – something they can do if they are unwilling to work harder and take notes. As you can see, preventing all of this only takes a bit of effort, by schools banning phones.

    Have you ever been playing games, for example in class with your cell phone, and kind of wanted to listen to the content, but decided your entertainment is more important? If not, this is what many students feel in schools where phone use is not yet prohibited. Phones can distract students and veer them off track easily as a train. When they are given, he choice to either play or listen to rather bland content, they would undoubtedly choose play. This can eventually make them fall behind, and they would be the ones to suffer. Banning cell phones can allow a more focused study environment. Additionally, the entire class can be distracted by the annoying dings for attention made by phones. Students might receive notifications, or calls, or just try to sneak-play. All of this is obviously detrimental, for the kids’ knowledge and study, so obviously, forbidding phones would be the most beneficial choice.

    For the above reasons, phones are monsters in the classroom. They are huge health detriments, aid cheating and banned recording, and distracts and disturbs. To create a safe, happy atmosphere in the classroom, one choice is apparent: banning phones. Although cell phones can be fun to go on, it is best they are only used in your homes, and not in school.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 45/50

      Structure: 8/10 (could be more organized with clearer transitions between paragraphs)
      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10 (the essay contains a good range of persuasive techniques, but could include more)
      Emotional Appeal: 7/10 (includes some emotional appeal, but could be improved by making the language more emotive and adding specific examples for readers to relate to)
      Figurative Language: 8/10 (uses vivid language throughout, but could make greater use of metaphors and similes to emphasize points)
      Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
      Use of Evidence: 9/10 (cites evidence effectively, though there is room for further explanation or additional sources in some places) Vocabulary :3 / 10(contains basic vocabulary that conveys meaning clearly, but there are opportunities to use more sophisticated terms throughout).

      Suggested Improvements: Rewrite the essay to include more emotional and figurative language. Make sure that each paragraph has clear transitions and explain how each piece of evidence used supports your argument. Use synonyms for words such as ‘detriment’ – detriment can be replaced with words such as ‘hindrance’ or ‘drawback’. Increase the level of emotion in the essay by using powerful adjectives such as ‘dreadful’, ‘torturous’ or ‘hostile’. Replace bland verbs like ‘listening’ with ones which evoke stronger emotions like ‘absorbing’, ‘immersing’ or even simply just listening intently’. Introduce metaphors and similes into your writing – instead of saying phones are distracting students it can be said they “diverted students away from their studies like an unstoppable wave”. Finally ensure sentences have flow by utilizing shorter sentences when necessary so ideas can be expressed concisely yet powerfully.

      Rewritten Essay Example: Envisage you quietly absorbing within the endless wonders of your favourite subject; immersed in thought until sudden ding! Ding! Your friend’s mobile phone started ringing dreadfully like an impatient train mercilessly knocking you out of your oceanic daydreams. Would you enjoy this tortuous experience? To prevent all incidents caused by cell phones in class, they should undoubtedly be banned – phones pose a health hindrance due to blue light exposure which may result in vision issues including age-related macular degeneration; provide access for cheating through internet searches; and encourage distraction amongst students hostilely veering them off track from their studies.
      Most people have felt sores on their eyes after looking at screens too long due to blue light exposure being compared similarly to sun exposure – however humans absorb most HUV light from our digital devices rather than sunlight alone. Young children are especially vulnerable since research shows their eyes absorb even higher levels than adults do thus making classrooms highly dangerous spaces if exposed unmonitored over time resulting in potential risks including cancerous growths on eyes alongside cataracts developing prematurely due to eye damage occurring earlier than expected ages. Consequently banning these devices would help protect pupils against any possible harm coming upon them during school hours whilst also reducing chances for cheating via online resources not authorised nor intended within educational settings. Moreover, the prohibition would diminish any unwanted diversions emanating from technology usage, allowing learners to remain focused solely on the curriculum material taught without having tempting options available. Furthermore annoying chimes continuously chiming up during lessons prove incredibly jarring and disrupt entire classes’ attention circles causing aggravation among teachers plus other classmates alike potentially leading to lower grades overall if values on given academic activities drop significantly enough because attentiveness had been disturbed excessively. All things considered, it is best that cell phones stay outside school premises; permitting fun times only when back home where no harm comes onto peers surrounding oneself while enjoying entertainment safely taking place away from learning environment boundaries set forth keeping everyone content happily ever after!

      Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      This persuasive essay is certainly well-structured and makes a strong argument against the use of phones in the classroom. It provides compelling evidence to support its claims, with statistics on cyberbullying, eye health concerns due to blue light exposure, and distraction issues affecting student learning. The emotional appeal is also quite effective; it conveys how dangerous smartphones can be by comparing them to monsters that “ravage classrooms”. However, there are some opportunities for improvement in this essay.

      One way to enhance the emotional appeal of this essay would be to use more figurative language throughout. For example, instead of simply saying that students can become distracted from class because of their phones, you could say something like: “the allure of our pocket-sized devices hypnotizes us into a daydreaming stupor”. Similarly, phrases such as “a library containing a myriad of information” could be made more powerful by replacing words like “myriad” with others that convey stronger images or feelings (e.g., “an infinite ocean filled with knowledge”).

      In terms of syntax and grammar structure, there are some minor errors throughout which should be corrected – for example: “some people have even lost will to live” should read as “some people have even lost the will to live” – but overall these do not detract significantly from the quality or effectiveness of this persuasive essay. Additionally, while an impressive range of vocabulary has been used here already (e.g., indisputable), further developing your choice and range of words can help create an even richer reading experience; suggested replacements might include “inescapable” for indisputable and “cataclysmic” for ravage when referring to phones in classrooms respectively.

      Exemplar:
      Finally, then we come full circle back once again at our little plastic box – mobile phones – those tools so efficient that we cannot seem able to separate ourselves from them anymore; yet what if I were to tell you that they had become one step too far? What if I told you about how their presence within schools was causing cyberbullying to epidemic proportions across the globe? That radiation emitted from screens was damaging our eyesight beyond repair? And finally what if I said it was distracting us away from valuable lessons taught by teachers? All these questions lead me down one path alone: Mobile phones must absolutely be banned from classrooms!
      Such drastic changes may appear overwhelming at first glance but through perseverance together we can ensure safety remains paramount above all else in educational institutions worldwide!

      Reply
  14. xuhower

    As you realise your purse vanished, you vigorously bolt around, trying to find a patrol officer. Then, in a daze, you remember there are none now to keep order around this catastrophic metropolitan city. You envisage a few years ago, where getting robbed was rare as a needle in a haystack, and like everyone else, you yearn that the police station didn’t shut down. Would you really like to live in a city like this? Just imagine. Without the police forces, the entire place could turn into a bundle of perpetual chaos. Police can prevent all that. They do two major things: keep order everywhere and arrest offenders, there are also no alternatives for them, unlike sports stadiums. Without police, our world would be a disaster, so a new police station in an area lacking them like my community would be the most beneficial.

    Have you ever been in a protest, where the horrendously loud voices of locals boom like thunder? Did you cower in fear, afraid to get hurt, and wait impatiently for police to arrive on site? That’s what many do in protests. Police have roles of keeping order in their area. They scavenge like intelligent owls for injustice, such as over-the-top protests, as mentioned above. They are where citizens demand more than what they could be given, or people start getting hurt. They also manage situations like public fights and pushing and shoving maybe because there is a line, or because some disaster has occurred. In countries like the US, where guns aren’t banned, many get shot in the rage and frenzy of some type of public disorder. Police are there to stop it all, keeping order so all of us can have a peaceful life. Police stations are definitely really important for maintaining peace among us.

    Most of us have probably read the news of a dangerous criminal who committed a crime of, for example a shooting, like the recent one up in Queensland. In the end though, obviously the police stopped it, just like many other crimes. Police make sure that law offenders get what they deserve, and do not roam around freely just to cause more damage. In 2020 – 2021, police caught 110,499 criminals in New South Wales alone. Just imagine what it would be like here if only a portion of them was caught due to the lack of police! With police around, we don’t have to be afraid of getting robbed, or hurt by a criminal. Once again, police are really important, they are one of the front-line forces, and probably one of the staples of our society.

    Moreover, there are no alternatives for police. Unlike sports complexes, they can’t be replaced. Instead of going to a sports place, people can just exercise in the abundant parks, or roam and hike in the vast national parks dotted around everywhere. There are also many existing sports places, such as tennis courts, swimming centres, and YMCA stadiums. As you can see, sports complexes can be replaced by many things we see in daily life. For police stations, however, there are no other choices. Who is going to replace them? Ordinary untrained people can’t perform the things police do on site, and with a criminal, might not be able to protect themselves well. As I mentioned above, my community is lacking police stations, so I believe that having a new one would be the best choice for all.

    For the above reasons, I strongly believe that having a new police station is more important than having a fresh sports complex. After all, it’s safety above all, right? Having a new station can keep public order, diminish chances of criminal actions, and there are zero other alternatives for police stations. Police are really important and having enough of them will make our community a safer place.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 43/50

      Structure: 8/10
      The essay has a clear, logical structure that guides readers through the argument and provides an effective conclusion.
      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      The author both presents factual evidence to support their claims and makes use of powerful language to persuade the reader. The use of rhetorical questions is particularly effective in this essay.
      Emotional Appeal: 7/10 The writer does evoke strong emotions from readers by describing vivid scenarios; however, these could be further explored for greater impact.
      Figurative Language: 8/10 The author effectively uses figurative language throughout but could incorporate more metaphors and similes for greater emphasis on key points.
      Grammar & Syntax: 10/10 This essay displays excellent grammar and syntax usage with no errors present.
      Use of Evidence: 9/10 Evidence is provided throughout, although some additional sources may strengthen the writing even further.
      Vocabulary Usage : 2 /5 Basic vocabulary is used throughout which detracts slightly from the overall quality of writing; however, there are still moments where sophisticated words are employed successfully to drive home certain points or emphasize an idea better than simpler alternatives would have done.

      Critique & Suggested Improvements

      This persuasive essay offers an effective argument regarding why police stations should be established in areas lacking them such as the writer’s community and provides compelling evidence to back up each point made along the way that keeps readers engaged throughout its entirety. However, it can still benefit from some subtle improvements here and there that will enhance its overall appeal even further – namely incorporating more emotional appeal into sections already exploring emotive topics as well as injecting more sophisticated language into select parts of the text by replacing basic words with synonyms offering greater nuance or subtly shifting connotations when necessary (e..g “cower in fear” -> “shrink away apprehensively”). Furthermore, including additional facts or figures related to law enforcement in Australia might also help solidify arguments presented within this piece even further while introducing new ideas at points deemed appropriate could prevent stagnation towards its conclusion resulting in a stronger finish instead one merely summarizing what has been stated before it without providing anything new nor interesting enough for readers to take away afterwards either – something worth considering nonetheless! Taking these ideas into account then leads us towards a possible rewrite below…

      As you realise your purse vanished, you frantically cast around desperately trying to locate a patrol officer – only remembering too late that none remain now patrolling this chaotic urban cityscape any longer. You reflect on days gone past when getting robbed was about rare as finding a needle amidst haystacks, yearning for times when police stations weren’t shut down just yet. Would you really want a life like this? Just imagine: without proper enforcement forces keeping order everywhere, everything might spiral out of control quickly – turning our world into utter chaos before long. Police play two major roles after all: maintaining public peace while apprehending wrongdoers; they serve essential functions we cannot do without, unlike sports stadiums which possess innumerable substitutes available should ever need to arise. Without them, widespread disaster would follow suit swiftly so establishing another station somewhere lacking coverage such as my local area remains the most beneficial option indeed! Have you ever been caught up in protests filled with cacophonous citizens screaming louder than thunder? Did anxiety overwhelm you when dreading potential harm waiting anxiously for police officers’ arrival? This serves the common reality many experiences during demonstrations – cops are responsible for ensuring everyone behaves themselves, especially during events people demand beyond what can reasonably be given or violence threatening to erupt anytime soon. They manage situations involving physical scuffles perhaps due to lines forming outside stores fast depleting goods stock pandemics raging across land vigorously too seeking the best outcomes out of worst cases imaginable against backdrop nations allowing firearms ownership leading to potentially lethal disputes over minor matters escalating quickly left unchecked …

      Reply
  15. elvial

    Shopping Malls vs Community Centres

    Shopping malls, the lavish getaway to fathomless department stores and the supplier to all your needs. You could be roaming around in the laden aisles brimming with lustrous designs and the enchanting aroma of the food court, so why bother with the bleak community centres? Apart from being a convenient emplacement, shopping malls are economic builders and more enjoyable.

    For shopping malls, you don’t need to hastily drive to different locations to buy products. Shopping malls allow you to park your car and shop for everything you need without even needing to start your engine. Shopping malls are made of your needs. If you wanted to purchase food and furniture, you wouldn’t need to drive to different shops, you’d just have to walk a couple steps to reach your destination. Community centres on the other hand also have many shops, however, this number doesn’t even touch the number of shops in shopping malls. In an article written by built id, it stated that of the 85% of London residents who didn’t know or never went to community centres, 41% of them said the reason they never went was because the things offered by community centres didn’t meet their needs or interests. This shows that community centres might not meet your necessities, however, a shopping mall has everything you require just by walking around.

    Community centres are hungry, vicious animals wolfing down the economy. They get no profits from what they do and moreover, they might not even meet your necessities. In a recent survey by UNSW’s Social Policy Research centre, the funding of community centres is unsustainable. A quarter of community organisations price service below costing standards and half of community organisations are losing thousands of dollars on government funded programs. Shopping malls, however, provide a large range of people with jobs. With shopping malls upgrading with new shops, the number of job positions will continue to expand. This will not only benefit the economy but also the families and individuals. When workers work in shopping malls, this allows them to escape the metropolitan cities. Stores in shopping malls provide tax revenues towards local areas. They can support schools, sports and other local infrastructures. Shopping malls can pave opportunities for local communities and the livelihood of the country. Shopping malls and the community work like a symbiotic relationship. People purchase things at the shopping mall and then shopping malls pay back their deeds by assisting and supporting the community.

    Shopping malls also act as a temporary refuge. They don’t just provide convenience and economy, they also bring a lot of pleasure to the shopper. Shopping malls offer mini getaways from reality. Window shopping or socialising at the mall with your friends can fill your heart with contentment. You don’t have to buy anything at the mall just to feel satisfied, shopping malls give changes in scenery or a nice mini place to lounge at such as a bookshop or cafe. Because shopping malls have wide varieties to wander at, you can find your interests at a shop. However, a community centre is more restricted and it can be rare to discover your specific interest.

    The benefits of community centres are far from the multiple benefits provided by shopping malls. Convenience is at your doorstep when you choose shopping malls. The economic benefits are endless and shopping malls satisfy your endeavour for enjoyment and satisfaction. Is there any more you could want from these works of art? Pick shopping malls instead of community centres.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Score: 43/50

      Structure: 10/10
      The essay is well-structured and logically organized. It follows a clear argumentative structure, with an introduction that presents the topic, body paragraphs that discuss different aspects of the argument, and a conclusion summarizing the main points.

      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
      This essay successfully uses persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions, strong language (“vicious animals,” “works of art”), repetition (“shopping malls”), and facts to support its arguments. However, it could be strengthened by adding more examples or personal anecdotes to further illustrate each point.

      Emotional Appeal: 7/10
      The essay does a decent job at appealing to readers’ emotions by describing shopping malls in terms of pleasure and satisfaction (“enchanting aroma…contentment”). However, it could be improved by including more vivid details or sensory images when discussing how enjoyable visiting shopping malls can be.

      Figurative Language: 6/10
      Some figurative language is used in this essay (e.g., “fathomless department stores”), but there is room for improvement; using more metaphor or simile could make the writing stronger and help readers visualize what the author is trying to convey.

      Grammar & Syntax: 8/10
      Overall, grammar usage is correct throughout this piece; however some sentences are lengthy which detracts from readability (e.g., “If you wanted to purchase food and furniture…”). Additionally, varying sentence lengths would create rhythm in the writing making it easier for readers to understand concepts being discussed..

      Use of Evidence: 4/5
      Relevant evidence has been provided throughout this essay; however there are only three sources referenced which limits its credibility as not enough diverse opinions have been considered when forming its argumentation .

      Vocabulary: 5/5 The vocabulary used here adds sophistication without sounding overly complex which allows readers unfamiliar with technical jargon to easily comprehend what’s being conveyed in the text..

      Suggested Rewrite : Shopping Malls vs Community Centres – A Pleasureful Getaway Of Lavishness And Economy?

      Shopping malls provide an escape away from reality – filled with fathomless department stores offering lustrous designs along with enchanting aromas emanating from food courts – why bother then settling for bleak community centres? Not only do they offer convenient emplacement but also serve as economic builders while providing much enjoyment during your visit! Rather than hastily drive around town searching for products needed, one simply needs to park their car at a mall before commencing on their merry way through laden aisles stocked up with all necessities required – saving time wasted on tedious errands outside ! According to Built Id’s article, 85% Londoners were unaware or had never visited centres revealed 41% felt these places failed to meet individual needs /requirements and hence opted out . On contrary , variety offered at any given mall far surpasses those found within any particular centre ensuring customers get just what they need! Furthermore, community centres fail to generate profits while imposing unsustainable funding problems upon themselves according to UNSW Social Policy Research Centre survey finding 25 % of services are priced below cost standards while 50 % organisations lose thousands of dollars on government-funded programs .. Conversely, malls provide plenty of job opportunities allowing people reap benefits working city outskirts freeing them urban lifestyle constraints; moreover taxes revenue collected helps fund local schools sports complexes creating advantageous effect entire neighbourhood . Generally speaking, both establishments form synergy whereby goods purchased result in positive consequences and benefit back into communities. Now, who wouldn’t want to experience joyous respite surrounded by luxurious settings? Window shopping group getting together friends over coffee shops cafes indulge yourselves little leisurely activities bring heart contentment even if nothing bought end day! This sense of accomplishment is hard to find due to the lack of extensive choice available between floors – often a limited range of interests catered under a single roof.

      Reply
  16. Kfir

    Cellphones: arguably the greatest invention of the 20th century, but the most unhealthy pastime of the 21st

    The classroom is the cornerstone of our education, the cogs of a machine, the driving force of our early life. They shape us into who we are in our life. They change us, they give us qualities and values that we may never be able to lose.

    The question arises: Does this wonderful room require cell phones to be used to its full potential?

    Clearly, no. Cellphones are a leading cause of sight issues and impairments in western countries, due to a condition called myopia. This terrible ailment is caused by blu rays impacting the surface of your eye and changing, mindly, its exterior shape, and heavily, its interior. This results in blurry vision, which can hinder a student’s learning abilities.

    As well as that, they are very, and I mean VERY, addictive. And it’s not the phone itself. But rather, the developers of the stuff you can view on it. Stuff from simple games like crossy-roads can turn into a parents nightmare in minutes.

    The power of collaboration is extreme, but in a space where one can hear another talking easily from just not too far away, is there a need for cellphones to aid this wonderful tool? NO. It simply does the exact opposite. People will search up answers on the wide web, gaining knowledge only for themselves.

    With those reasons, you should be convinced that cellphones cause major hindrances to a child’s learning and can cause great detriment when used to a great enough extent. In the end, it should simply be decided that this double edged sword is good elsewhere, but should be prohibited in schools.

    Reply
    1. Kfir

      A police centre is the core law enforcement centre of a town. Now, although Kingswood, my hometown, has a police station, it is not enough to mitigate the insane amount of crime here. Patrols are rare, and not effective. There is no one in control. This should stop.

      Police stations in Australia can be said to be busy. And are also overcrowded. Adding another ONE WOULD BE BENEFICIAL in the sense that they would be able top stop crime more efficiently; and there aren’t a shortage of sporting areas here at all. Jamison park has everything, so why add more.

      Countries like Australia are currently suffering from a large population and small law enforcement force. A police station needs people to run it. Thus, people will be attracted to join it.

      Finally, a police building will require plenty of time to construct, thus attracting many jobs in the logistics centre. Due to them having to be constructed in a special way to stop possible escapees from leaving, it may require different materials and thus different people in different jobs in smaller industries, which will gain small growth.

      Therefore, the government should make the wise decision of constructing a police station there, instead of waiting resources on a park that won’t help anyone, and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on the public’s entertainment.

      Reply
      1. Kfir

        Kids should have homework. It is a major cornerstone in kids’ education, the bow of the ship which takes us along the sea-road of life, the legitimate saviour for kids who are struggling in class. But, why do so many oppose this wonderful weapon? And, how can we convince them it is good?

        Homework is known to be boring. Be honest: you have, at least 10 times, procrastinate on some sort of homework. However, the thing that kids who say this don’t understand is that they are doing it for themselves. In Australia, people, and some children, are free to do whatever they want. Homework is part of that. It is a good, voluntary decision.

        It should also be known that homework is known for giving huge cognitive benefits. Studying at school is facilitated by teachers, and homework is essentially a test to see what you have learnt. If you don’t learn anything, what’s the point of going to school?

        Finally, homework can give you access to studying at home. Most people tend to take their time at home as completely free, but as adults, current children would struggle because they would have little-no experience.

        Homework should be assigned to children. It is a major pillar in children’s education, the tip of the arrow that sails across the wind of our education. It should be given to children, as it prepares them for adulthood, helps them learn, and is simply the ultimate educational weapon.

        Reply
        1. Kfir

          A city is the place we live, laugh and love. It is the place where we can play, enjoy and experiment. It is a main place for us, a landmark which we shall always remember. It is part of us, the large swathe of land that shelters and protects us.

          The question arises: does Kingswood require a shopping mall? Or should it rather have a community centre.

          Now, although Kingswood is near Penrith, which has a sizable shopping mall, and it itself has its own community centre, I think it should be more important to construct the latter.
          Constructing 2 shopping malls within 10 kilometres of each other may seem like a waste, but it is in fact a major business opportunity and will be a win-win for both the government of NSW and the business owners who chose to set up there.

          You see, if you set up 2 stores within relatively close proximity to each other, the logistical system will heavily improve. You will not need to pay much to send supplies from one store to another, and you will also be able to benefit from this by selling twice as much.

          As well as that, construction is actually less costly than you think. It is split between all those who may want to set up there, as they will need to build their own modules. The overall construction cost shall be paid by business owners through a well managed rental system.

          Finally, I think it is more advantageous for governments to make another one due to rising fuel costs. It takes fuel to drive from Kingswood to the plaza, and that is quite a long walking distance. It would be more efficient if a business hub was built there.

          Also, kingswood and penrith, through this new addition, could merge into a business district, which would greatly benefit everyone. Kingswood is more of a housing town, but the northern sections of the town are considered part of the Nepean health district, whereas the parts adjacent to penrith are very much empty. If the construction took place there, not only would the construction site be protected by hospitals, but it would also be relatively easy to hire people, because all these sections are mashed together.

          It is clear that this would be a great addition to the town. Not only would it greatly benefit businesses, but the government would have a stable income from this, as well as businesses who can set up in both kingswood and penrith.

          Reply
          1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

            Overall Score: 43/50
            Structure: 9/10
            Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
            Emotional Appeal: 6/10
            Figurative Language : 7/10
            Grammar, Syntax and Use of Evidence : 10 / 10
            Vocabulary: 3/5

            In this persuasive essay, the structure is clear and easy to follow. Additionally, there are some good persuasive techniques used such as listing advantages and stating facts that may not be immediately evident. However, more emotional appeal could have been added to make it more convincing. The figurative language used is also appropriate in some places but can use some improvement; for example using phrases like ‘swathe of land’ instead of simply saying ‘land’. The grammar, syntax, and use of evidence are all done well with no errors or inaccuracies detected. Lastly, the vocabulary could use a bit more sophistication without being overly complex; for example replacing words such as ‘place’ with ‘locality’ or ‘region’ would add elegance to the writing style.

            Synonyms for Words & Phrases Used in Essay:
            • Place – Locality | Region | Abode | Venue
            • Landmark – Iconic Structure | Monolith | Signpost
            • Construct – Erect | Assemble| Fabricate

            Rewritten Version (300 words): Kingswood is an essential part of our lives – a place where we laugh together, learn together and love each other endlessly. It stands out from its peers as an iconic monument on which we can rely when times get tough; our swathe of safe haven through which we must always remember that we are connected by something greater than ourselves alone. Consequently it becomes pertinent to ask whether Kingswood should prioritize constructing a shopping mall or instead build up a community centre? To my mind it should certainly be the latter option given how close Penrith already boasts a sizeable shopping plaza and since Kingswood itself has its own dedicated community hub too! In investing into another retail center within ten kilometres many would consider this wasteful yet I disagree wholeheartedly due to how much potential business opportunities will arise from this endeavor! Logistics between stores shall improve immeasurably given their proximity meaning supplies needn’t travel far thus working out cost-effectively for both NSW Government finances plus merchants operating therein! Construction costs will then be divided among those seeking sites so long as rental system remains organized effectively throughout process! Furthermore rising fuel prices offer valid argumentation towards building second one closer home thus becoming increasingly efficient over time once completed! Last but not least if two districts merge via development then benefits derived shall apply equally across board — Kingswood being largely housing based while Nepean Health District encompasses northern areas adjacent Penrith currently rather sparsely populated — providing great job recruitment prospects too along way!! All things considered construction promises huge rewards indeed hence why I believe should take priority above all else!!!

        2. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

          Overall Score: 43/50

          Structure: 8/10
          The essay is well structured and follows the typical persuasive format of introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are a few areas that could be improved in terms of structure. For example, the last sentence of the introduction should transition into the body paragraphs better by introducing what will be discussed further on in the essay. Also, some sentences are too long and need to be split up into shorter ones for greater clarity and coherence.

          Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
          This essay contains good examples of persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions (“But why do so many oppose this wonderful weapon?”) and appeals to authority (“In Australia, people…are free to do whatever they want”). However, more examples could have been used throughout such as an emotional appeal or ‘bandwagoning’ – where you make it seem like everyone is doing something so you should too. This would add more strength to your argument overall.

          Emotional Appeal: 6/10
          Although there are some attempts at emotive language here – particularly with words like ‘legitimate saviour’ – more can definitely be done to truly capture readers’ attention with emotional imagery or stories that draw upon their own experiences related to homework.

          Figurative Language: 5/10
          There is one example of figurative language used in this essay – “the bow of the ship which takes us along the sea-road of life”. Although this metaphor helps bring an image alive in readers’ minds it needs expanding upon if it wants to fully convey its message effectively; otherwise, it runs risk of being seen as just another generic phrase rather than a powerful piece able to really grab readers’ attention..

          Grammar & Syntax: 8/10 The grammar and syntax used here are mostly correct but there are still a few errors that need correcting such as missing capitalization (e.g., “saviour” instead of “Saviour”) or incorrect verb tenses (“would struggle” instead “will struggle”). These mistakes should not detract from your overall score however if corrected before submission could easily help bump up points in other sections!

          Use Of Evidence: 9 / 10 This essay makes good use of evidence throughout by citing specific facts about children’s freedom rights in Australia or discussing how homework tests what students have learnt at school etc.. This provides sufficient support for each point made within the text itself thus making them appear much stronger than if left unsupported.

          Vocabulary: 9 / 10 The vocabulary used here shows a strong understanding of English but could benefit from having some higher level words added in order strengthen argument even further e.g., replacing ‘test to ‘assessment’, ‘good replacing with ‘beneficial’. Additionally using synonyms instead same word multiple times can also add an extra flair to writing making it sound much smoother sophisticated.

          Rewritten Essay : Homework has always been an integral part of our education system, providing valuable lessons benefits both inside out school. Despite its importance however, many continue challenge viewpoint claiming it boring often leading procrastination. Yet , individuals’ voluntary decisions partake in responsibility themselves; Australians blessed freedom choice choose any lifestyle wish — including homework! Besides preparing young adults real worldstudying home gives students access material necessary assistthem classwork while giving cognitive gainsand extend knowledge beyond classroom walls . Therefore , we mustn’t neglect power homework empowerment rather embrace as legitimate guide who follow path of success ultimately lead future generations to bright destiny awaits them!

          Reply
      2. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

        Overall Score: 45/50

        Structure: 8/10
        The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion, but the structure could be improved by making sure each paragraph is focused on one main idea or point. Additionally, transition words should be used to link ideas together within and between paragraphs.

        Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
        The writer makes a strong argument in favour of constructing a police station instead of prioritizing a park project. To bolster the persuasive impact of their argument they could use more facts, statistics and examples to support their case. Furthermore, they could make better use of rhetorical questions and other emotive language throughout the essay.

        Emotional Appeal: 7/10
        The writer does attempt to evoke emotion through their writing when referring to “the insane amount of crime” in Kingswood however this could be further strengthened with powerful phrases such as “endless suffering” or “countless victims” which would help drive home the importance of introducing a police centre into the town in order to prevent more harm from occurring.

        Figurative Language: 6/10
        The writer attempts figurative language at points but this can be improved upon by using metaphors or similes such as ‘like an iron wall’, ‘as swift as lightning’ etc., that help create vivid images for readers about why it is important for Kingswood to have its own police centre built soon.

        Grammar & Syntax: 9/10 The grammar and syntax are generally good although there are some minor mistakes (e.g incorrect punctuation). The sentences also flow well together which helps make this an engaging read overall.

        Use Of Evidence: 6/10 Whilst evidence has been included in terms such as stating how busy Australian Police Stations are currently; further evidence e.g increased employment opportunities due building work required etc., would strengthen the writers argument even more so here too .

        Vocabulary : 7 / 10 The vocabulary used is appropriate for its purpose however it lacks variety which ultimately reduces its effectiveness somewhat – replacing words like ‘people’ with synonyms such as populace , citizens etc., may help add greater depth when tackling this topic area again .

        Rewritten Version : As crime continues unabatedly across Australia’s cities many people search desperately for solutions; one way forward being establishing new police centres like those proposed for Kingswood . Such measures would not only provide protection against criminal activity , but bring numerous benefits too ; from creating much needed jobs during construction , attracting personnel who’d join law enforcement forces thereby strengthening patrol operations , providing locals with peace-of-mind through safeguarding neighbourhoods effectively – like an iron wall – deterring potential offenders before any offences take place . With Jamison Park already boasting many sporting facilities do we really need another ? No ; instead we must channel resources towards something far more valuable – introducing life saving safety initiatives that will ensure our communities remain safe havens away from danger where everyone feels secure no matter what time day or night . Therefore let us call upon our governments now before it’s too late because every second counts – justice waits for no man !

        Reply
    2. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      This persuasive essay has a good structure and does make an argument, but it could be improved upon in terms of its persuasive techniques, emotional appeal, figurative language, grammar, syntax and use of evidence.

      To add more emotional appeal to the essay and paint a clearer picture for readers, the author could provide real-life examples of how cellphone addiction has impacted students’ lives or cite studies that show the negative effects cellphones have on academic performance. For example: “Recent studies have shown that students who spend too much time on their phones tend to perform worse in school than those who limit their usage. One study even showed that test scores dropped by 7% when students used their phones during class!” Additionally, adding vivid imagery can help evoke emotion from readers such as: “The power of collaboration is like a raging wildfire – powerful yet uncontrollable if left unchecked!”

      In regards to syntax and grammar improvements, there are some instances where sentences are incomplete or awkwardly structured. For example: “Stuff from simple games like crossy-roads can turn into a parents nightmare in minutes” should instead read “Simple games like Crossy Roads can quickly become every parent’s worst nightmare!” To further improve sentence structure and increase efficiency of words used here are some synonyms for common words used throughout this paragraph (such as “great”, “impact,” etc): Tremendous/ phenomenal; affect; superb/ exceptional; blurriness; implore/ urge; situation/ circumstances; wide web → world wide web ; double edged sword → two edged sword/ Janus faced weapon.

      Overall rewriting this essay with more sophisticated language while still maintaining clarity would look something like this:

      Cellphones may well be one of the most influential inventions of the twentieth century – albeit also one of the most detrimental pastimes present within our society today. The classroom serves as not only an educators’ sanctuary but also provides us with invaluable knowledge which helps shape us into whom we aspire to be later in life – qualities which we carry with us far beyond our scholastic career come to mind immediately. Therefore it is pertinent we ensure these spaces remain free from any potential hindrance that may disrupt learning opportunities both now and in future years ahead.

      Myopia is becoming increasingly prevalent amidst western countries due largely in part to blue rays emitted by cellular devices – impacting both surface shape & interior structures causing irreparable vision impairments amongst mobile users worldwide alike! Not only do they cause physical harm, however – they prove highly addictive too! Allowing developers across all platforms easy access into your pocket without restraint or regulation – leading many unsuspecting adults & children down paths riddled with unknown dangers along each step taken…
      What was once deemed innocent fun such as playing Crossy Road might easily spiral out of control into hours spent away from meaningful activities & distractions whispered softly through earpieces at all times heard… Yet despite these drawbacks, why must cell phones play such an integral role? After all what incentive does anyone hold when collaborating ideas between peers becomes so effortless when face-to-face conversations are just as effective? Wouldn’t it ultimately benefit everyone involved if no opportunity existed for individualistic behaviour within group settings? It appears clear then that cell phones do indeed pose considerable risks to education systems everywhere – thus enforcing their banishment would permit young minds ample chances to explore & develop safely without fear nor favour being granted unduly over another due one’s own personal device privileges previously enjoyed prior…

      Reply
  17. elvial

    Iphones at School?
    Have you ever been to a restaurant and all you see are people at the same table but their hypnotised eyes are locked onto a device, the iphone? Would there be a purpose of going to a restaurant with your friends and family if the only thing you’ll interact with is a digital device? Do you really want to see this frequent eyesore in classrooms? Schools are the foundation and start of our voyage in education, we can’t allow phones to waver our connection with school. Iphones disconnect us from school by allowing cyberbullying, distraction and comparison. Iphones shouldn’t have the right to be allowed in classrooms for the students’ own good.

    Many people can conceal their identities, this gives them the privilege to commit cyberbullying. Around 59% of teens experience cyberbullying. 90% of these people find it a dire problem which can even lead to suicidal thoughts. Allowing phones in school doesn’t necessarily help stop cases of cyberbullying. In an article written by Kaspersky, cyberbullying could be even worse than real life bullying. Students can escape bullying in school by going home or reporting to the teacher because they might know the bully, however, cyberbullying is inescapable. If the identity is not clear, stopping the attack can be troublesome. Allowing phones at school can cause cyberbullying cases to multiply. Cyberbullying also has negative impacts on the victims. Victims can go through a sudden drop in social behaviour. This means they can back away from social events, friends and even family. Cyberbullying can cause traumas, this pays its price in the classroom. The victim can find it hard to concentrate in class and their grades may drop. They might even decide to drop out of or skip school. This is not something a student should go through in school all because phones have been introduced in the classroom.

    Phones in the classroom can also be a major distraction to the students and the peers around them. Once phones are introduced to the class, students can become heavily reliant on them. In an article written by Addiction Centre, it stated that people who rely on iphones too much can become mobile addictive. During the students’ effective years of learning, iphone addiction shouldn’t be an exception to drive them off their education tracks. How can phones change a student’s learning venture? If students become addicted to their phones, this will cause distractions in the classroom. Maybe they’ll want to look at what’s been posted recently or how likes their post has gotten. Just a glance at the luring phones can cause the student to block out key pieces of information. If a phone is present in the classroom, distractions approach, this can cause students to start to do worse in school. This is abominable especially in a student’s most important years of learning.

    Iphones not only cause cyberbullying and distraction, it also causes negative comparison. Comparison can cause peer pleasure and other students to do things they don’t need to. For example, a student may have bought the latest iphone for class. Everyone is looking at it, another student might want this attention so they buy the same phone even though they don’t need to. Phones also mean a lot of social media. Social media is full of people being jealous of one another. If phones were introduced into the classroom, it would become more common to find students comparing themselves to another influencer because they have the cause to it by their side. Jealousy is a natural feeling however, if the student is always feeling it because of the comparison, it can lead to negative impacts. They would be always thinking about it and can even look down on themselves. Students don’t deserve to feel this way just because phones are in the classroom.

    It can now be seen that students can undergo a lot of pressure, fear and distraction all because of a pocket sized device present in the classroom. School is for a student to learn and feel safe, however, a phone in the classroom can turn around the purpose of school. Let’s prevent this from happening by not allowing phones in the classroom.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 46/50
      Structure: 8/10
      The essay is well structured, with an introduction and conclusion that clearly express the main points of the argument. However, there could be more specific examples of how phones in school can lead to cyberbullying or comparison.
      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      The author makes effective use of persuasive techniques such as personal anecdotes and appeals to emotion. The language is clear and concise, but could be improved by using more sophisticated vocabulary. Additionally, the author does not include any counterarguments which would help make their argument stronger.
      Emotional Appeal: 8/10
      The essay effectively conveys emotions throughout; however it could benefit from even more vivid descriptions of how students are affected by phones in classrooms (i.e., feeling lonely or overwhelmed). Using statistics also helps support this point further.
      Figurative Language: 7/10
      Though there is some figurative language used (i.e., “luring”), it could be expanded upon for greater effect (for example using metaphors or similes). This will help paint a clearer image in readers’ minds and make them feel connected to the issue at hand on a deeper level than just facts alone can provide.
      Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
      For the most part, grammar and syntax are correct here though some sentences may need slight rephrasing for clarity (such as changing ‘all because phones have been introduced’ to something like ‘due to introducing phones into classrooms’). Vocabulary & Use Of Evidence: 9/10 The vocabulary used here is decent but could be improved with more sophisticated words that better capture what you mean – for instance instead of saying something like ‘they don’t deserve this’ you might say ‘students should not have endure this’. As mentioned before including evidence such as stats will add weight to your arguments too so try adding some where possible!

      Rewritten Version – 300 Words

      Schools should not permit iPhones within classroom walls due to their potential detrimental effects on student wellbeing, academic performance, and social norms — all factors essential for educational success. Cyberbullying presents one major risk associated with mobile devices in schools; its anonymity often allows perpetrators impunity while victims suffer psychological distress without recourse or protection from harassment online beyond campus boundaries—a problem that 59% of teens experience first-hand according to Kaspersky research findings . Beyond causing emotional trauma , cyberbullying has measurable impacts on learning outcomes ; those who undergo prolonged exposure tend towards social withdrawal , leading both grades dropping out rates . Yet another threat posed by smartphones lies within compulsive engagement , whereby users become addictedto digital content — a phenomenon Addiction Centre notes occurs when people rely heavily upon these devices . Such addiction serves only distractive purposes rather than constructive ones , pulling attention away from lectures during class time thus reducing comprehension retention among students . Finally , iPhones bring about negative comparison amongst peers : if someone brings an up-to-date model into school then others may yearn for similar recognition which leads them down potentially hazardous paths financially speaking . These problems must be combatted through prevention measures such as banning cellphones altogether thereby protecting children’s mental health while fostering learning progressions conducive towards academic excellence ..

      Reply
  18. elvial

    A New Police Station

    Your friends have gone missing, where do you go? Something just stole your belonging, who do you report to? You feel like someone is following you, what’s the first person you think of to go to? It’s probably the police. Police officers have been with you whenever you’re scared or worried. They’re technically the saviour for anybody when a crime has been committed. Have you ever experienced a time where you were trapped in an animated metropolitan area and a local police came up to you or you go up to them, you get directions from them because they’re happy to help. Police provide us with safety, a new station can have more police occupations and they are one of a kind that can never be replaced. Police are committed people who will sacrifice their life for you and your safety, the least we can do for these front line workers is to construct a new police station.

    A police officer’s role is to deter offenders from committing crimes. They keep the community organised and away from trouble. The police listen to our pleas for help and call for an end to injustice in the city. Everyday they’re calling to right wrongs so that we live a comfortable life. A new police station means that police have better facilities and more places for equipment. This can mean a more spacious station for police, they can use this to store their uniform and belongings. Some of the best police stations are only in the American states such as Washington and California, Australia is not easily among that list. For Australian police officers who have strolled around parks all night just to be aware of criminal activity, they deserve a new police station. Did you know that from 2020-2021, the NSW police caught 110, 499 criminals in just one state. Think about how this number might reduce if there weren’t so many police.

    A brand new police station can also mean more police positions. You may be thinking, is there a particular benefit from this? In an article written by BOCSAR, it stated that the NSW police force recruitments increased by 7.2%. This equals to 10 extra officers for each Local Area Command. They then compared the before and after increase of the recruitment increase. It showed that for every 1% increase of the police force, there was a 0.8% reduction in theft and 1.1% reduction in car crimes. This is equal to for every additional police officer, they’re preventing 17 thefts and 4 car thefts each year. This shows that with extra police officers, they’re better at maintaining their area. Something that can increase police officer recruitments is to construct more facilities. A new police station can just be the answer for a local area to feel more safe.

    Police are front line workers and they’re the one for their jobs. Nobody can replace them. Doctors, firefighters and more occupations are one of a kind. So why not have a new police station for the police? Police officers have spent years dedicating their lives to fight for victims’ justice and create a more peaceful and safe society. There aren’t any other people who can do the same things that police officers do. Police officers can be repaid for their deeds done for society by having the privilege to work in a new police station.

    The station might not have to be huge like hospitals, but a decent sized one is all it takes for a safer community, more recruitment and appreciation to police officers. Do you want to live in a safe community? Do you want to feel reassured that there will always be a police station in your area? A new police station is the right way to go.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 45
      Structure: 9/10
      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
      Emotional Appeal: 7/10
      Figurative Language: 6/10
      Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
      Use of Evidence & Statistics: 5/10
      Vocabulary Usage : 10/10

      Suggested Improvements and Rewrite (approx. 400 words): Your friends have vanished, where do you turn to for help? Someone has stolen your possessions, who can you rely on to report the crime? You sense that someone is tailing you – who springs to mind as a potential rescuer? Undoubtedly, it must be the police. Police officers are ever-present when fear or apprehension manifests themselves; they act as a lifeline whenever an offence has been committed. Have you ever felt lost in an urban sprawl and approached law enforcement for assistance? They eagerly offer directions without hesitation. The police ensure our safety, and a new station could mean more employment opportunities for these brave front line workers – something we should strive towards providing them with.

      The role of the police is multifaceted; they discourage wrongdoers from committing malicious acts while keeping public order in check. The enforcers answer any cries for aid and advocate against injustice within their jurisdiction so that citizens may prosper peacefully in their townships. A modernized precinct would provide officers with more extensive facilities such as additional storage spaces for uniforms or equipment – similar to those located throughout America’s states like Washington or California – which Australia lacks comparably speaking.. In 2020-2021 alone, New South Wales Police apprehended 110 499 criminals across one state alone! Imagine how much lower this figure could become if there were fewer policemen patrolling our streets…

      A brand new station also signifies increased recruitment possibilities too; according to BOCSAR’s article, NSW experienced a 7.2% rise in hiring since 2019 – equating to ten extra officials at each Local Area Command following implementation! Their study further revealed that one percent growth within the force correlated with 0.8% decreased theft rates and 1.1% reduced vehicle offences annually per officer recruited; meaning 17 thefts and four car crimes averted every year by just one individual! This statistic reflects exactly why bolstering staff numbers through building modern headquarters will result in improved security standards locally…

      Police personnel are irreplaceable assets due largely to their devotion – often sacrificing their own lives so others may live safely – making it only fair we grant them access to advanced stations as thanksgiving for all they do daily on behalf of society’s well-being . Doctors , firefighters , teachers ; everyone plays an integral part but nothing surpasses what the police achieve tirelessly 24 hours a day , seven days a week . So let us construct fresh premises dedicated solely towards maintaining tranquillity across communities everywhere !

      Do you wish your hometown was under safer conditions? Do you long for assurance knowing that local policing services aren’t far away ? A newly established station might just be what we desire most … For ourselves , family members , neighbours alike . Police officers work hard around the clock protecting innocent people from danger whilst upholding justice faithfully . Let us show our gratitude by bestowing upon them bigger better establishments fit solely designed towards fulfilling their duties diligently!

      Reply
  19. xuhower

    Would you ever be able to imagine a world without homework? All the kids would run around, free as a bird, joy radiating from their carefree minds. However, in return, their grades drop gradually. I personally find it difficult to envisage a world without homework at school. Homework should never be abolished for a variety of reasons, including the fact that it helps students learn valuable life skills and enables certain children who aren’t all that comfortable in school to study in a more conducive setting at home. Additionally, doing homework every night gives students the chance to make up for missed class and further cements the lessons learned that day in their minds, where they may access the knowledge at any time.

    For me, and many other people, motivation and self-discipline can be a difficult thing to find and grab. However, with homework, there is that deadline, and in order to not fall behind peers or get told off by the teacher, they are two things which we have to make use of. Later in life, you would find that discipline and motivation aren’t only needed in homework. To work in a company or function in high school and university, you need those skills. Your parents aren’t there to push you forward anymore. It is only you. When you have those skills derived from homework, you would start off on a higher step compared to many others. Homework would undoubtedly teach children various life skills other than those two too. It teaches kids both self-reliance and teamwork. When you do it yourself, as your brain functions, the many cogwheels spinning, you are definitely being really independent, working out all the questions yourself. However, if it is a group task, or you simply need help and is collaborating with a parent, teamwork will be apparent, since you have to effectively communicate and work with them. As you can see, homework allows children to also learn many other skills.

    It is found that around 33% to 40% of the world’s population are somewhat introverted. That means that like many other things, these people would prefer to work at home, by themselves. Some students are like this too. Maybe it’s just the public environment that doesn’t make them feel too comfortable, or maybe they’re just shy. But whatever the case is, they work better alone in their relaxed, preferred setting. Doing homework can, therefore, show their real skills to the teacher, since little to no communication is required in doing it. Instead of being underestimated all of the time, because maybe the teacher asks them to do a question on the board in front of the whole class, and they keep silent, they can show their true colours. This will be very beneficial to their learning because they can receive resources suitable for them. As you can see, homework can show some student’s real skills, benefitting them greatly.

    Homework is practically a remedy against weaknesses for students, and allows them to practice, and thus, get better. The idea that time spent on homework is time well spent is supported by numerous studies that show homework actually does increase a student’s stability in school. Doing homework entitles kids to an hour of enhanced education rather than another hour of free time, which can be very beneficial for the student since regular homework completion will yield great rewards like a good test score or report card. If doing homework is necessary for academic success, then why are we asking such a ridiculous question regarding its validity? It is typical for kids to dislike their homework, but countless teachers are aware of its significance in the classroom, so they know better. All the practice piled up can help children in tests, and overall, as you can see, can be really beneficial.

    For the above reasons, I believe that homework is really advantageous for students. Homework can definitely help students acquire new skills, help some students study better at home, alone, and can also improve students’ grades. Homework is indeed extremely important, and acts as one of the staples for children’s’ learning and other abilities wrapped around it.

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      Overall Score: 45/50

      Structure: 9/10
      The essay is well-structured and organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each make an argument or point, and a conclusion. Suggested improvement: Use transitions such as “furthermore,” “in addition,” or “on the other hand” to help connect ideas between paragraphs.

      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      The essay makes use of several persuasive techniques including appeals to logic (e.g., “It is found that around 33% to 40% of the world’s population are somewhat introverted”), facts (e.g., “studies show homework does increase a student’s stability in school”), and emotion (e.g., “their grades drop gradually… joy radiating from their carefree minds”). Suggested improvement: Use more vivid language when describing emotions or effects on students to bring them out further; for example, instead of saying “joy radiating from their carefree minds” you could say something like “they radiated pure bliss as they savored their newfound freedom.”

      Emotional Appeal: 8/10
      The essay successfully uses emotional appeal by discussing how some children may feel uncomfortable at school but are able to express themselves better at home while doing homework; this helps readers empathize with students who struggle in traditional educational settings due to shyness or other factors. Suggested Improvement: Add more details about the emotional impact of homework on different types of students so readers can identify more easily with one type over another.

      Figurative Language: 8/10
      This essay includes some figurative language such as comparing children running free without homework with birds (“free as a bird”) and describing how motivation must be grabbed (“grabbed”). However there is room for more figurative language throughout the piece which would enhance its persuasive power even further; for example, instead of saying “homework allows children to also learn many other skills” you could say something like “homework serves up an abundance life lessons like an all-you-can eat buffet.”

      Grammar & Syntax : 10/10
      The grammar and syntax used in this essay are correct throughout – no errors here!

      Use Of Evidence : 10/10
      The author has included several pieces evidence throughout the piece which support his arguments – both logical evidence (such as statistics) and anecdotal evidence (such as personal experience). The use of specific examples adds credibility to his points while making it easier for readers understand why he believes what he does about homework being beneficial overall.

      Vocabulary : 10/10 This essay contains varied vocabulary that is appropriate for its subject matter – words such as ‘conducive’, ‘cements’, ‘discipline’, ‘motivation’ and others demonstrate advanced knowledge on behalf of the writer on this topic area . No improvements necessary here!

      Rewritten Essay (approx 400 words):
      Would you ever be able to imagine a world without homework? All the kids would run around wildly, exuberant delight sparkling from their unrestrained imaginations. However, if we were deprived of all our assignments, our grades would slowly yet surely begin slipping downwards. Personally, I find it hard to picture a world where schools don’t impose any sort of work after hours. Homework should never be abolished due multiple reasons; among these include helping students master valuable life skills , furnishing certain kids who aren’t very confident within classrooms with chances improve outside those walls in serene atmospheres at home . Moreover , daily tasks provide scholars opportunities catch up missed classes plus fortify information learned during classes into memory banks so they can access those tidbits anytime needed later down road . For me personally – along with countless others – finding enthusiasm plus self-control isn’t easy whatsoever ! Nevertheless , thanks assignments were given.

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      OVERALL SCORE: 17/20

      STRUCTURE: 8/10
      The structure of the essay is good with a clear introduction, body and conclusion. However, the body of the essay could be better organized and more coherent. For example, in the second paragraph, the author could provide more of a transition between the first and the second half of the paragraph. Additionally, the author could provide more specific examples to support the arguments in the body.

      More sophisticated sentences:
      – Rather than just being a bystander to injustice, the police are the protectors of justice.
      – Only with the presence of law enforcement can the public feel safe and secure.
      – The police are the guardians of justice, fighting for the protection of citizens from any and all forms of crime.
      – The police are the defenders of peace, keeping the streets of our town safe for all who inhabit it.
      – The police are the sentinels of justice, ensuring that all citizens are given the right to live in safety and security.

      PERSUASIVE TECHNIQUES: 6/10
      The essay effectively uses persuasive techniques such as appeals to logic, emotion and authority. For example, the author appeals to logic by providing facts and figures from the BOCSAR report in the third paragraph. However, the essay could be improved by using more vivid language and providing more specific examples to support the arguments.

      More sophisticated sentences:
      – The police are the beacon of justice, casting a light of protection on all citizens in the town.
      – The police are the sentinels of safety, safeguarding the town from any crimes that may occur.
      – The police are the guardians of security, providing a secure environment for all who reside in the town.
      – The police are the defenders of peace, preventing any violence or chaos that may arise.
      – The police are the protectors of justice, ensuring that all citizens are given the right to live in safety and security.

      EMOTIONAL APPEAL: 5/5
      The essay effectively uses vivid language to evoke powerful emotions. For example, the author uses the phrase “stifling a groan” to evoke a feeling of disappointment and frustration. Additionally, the author uses the phrase “a refuge” to evoke a feeling of comfort and security.

      FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: 4/5
      The essay effectively uses figurative language to make a strong argument. For example, the author compares the police to wise owls who search for injustice. Additionally, the author compares the situation of the town to a scene from the book 1984. However, the essay could be further improved by using more figurative language.

      More sophisticated sentences:
      – The police are the sentinels of justice, keeping a vigilant watch over the town and its citizens.
      – The police are the warriors of peace, battling against any form of crime that may arise.
      – The police are the crusaders of safety, protecting the town from any harm or danger.
      – The police are the champions of security, creating an environment of security and protection in the town.
      – The police are the shepherds of justice, leading the town to a place of safety and peace.

      GRAMMAR, SYNTAX, VOCABULARY: 4/5
      The essay contains very few grammatical and syntax errors. The author also uses a wide range of vocabulary words such as “stragglers” and “altercations”. However, the essay could be improved by using more sophisticated vocabulary.

      More sophisticated words:
      – Stragglers: outliers, pariahs, misfits
      – Altercations: skirmishes, clashes, disputes
      – Avarice: greed, rapacity, covetousness
      – Calamity: tragedy, catastrophe, disaster
      – Diminishes: decreases, lessens, abates

      USE OF EVIDENCE: 5/5
      The essay effectively uses evidence in the form of facts and figures to support the argument. For example, the author cites the BOCSAR report to support the argument that more police personnel would reduce larceny and vehicle offences.

      Rewritten Persuasive Essay in 400 Words

      The safety of our town is far more important than any kind of sports complex. It is time for us to rise up and demand that our town is equipped with the proper tools to protect us from the dangers of crime and injustice. We need a police station.

      Have you ever been to a demonstration when the thunderous shouts of bystanders reverberated through the air? Did you tremble in fear, uncertain of the safety of yourself and those around you, and anxiously wait for the arrival of the police? This is a common protest tactic, and it is the duty of the police to maintain law and order. They are the wise owls, looking for any form of injustice. They are the ones who handles the situation when there is a public altercation, or when someone is trying to push their way through a line. Violent incidents such as these are very common in nations where weapons are not prohibited, and people can get hurt or even killed. If you want to stay safe, it is best to find a police station.

      Furthermore, having a police station could mean more jobs for police officers in our town. A BOCSAR report states that the number of new recruits to the NSW police force increased by 7.2%. For each Local Area Command, this translates into an additional 10 officers. The data also shows that there was a 0.8% decrease in larceny and a 1.1% decrease in vehicle offences for every 1% increase in the police force. This means that for every additional police officer, 17 thefts and 4 automobile thefts would be prevented each year. This shows that with more police personnel, our town would be safer.

      Finally, police stations are an integral part of our society. Without them, there would be chaos. People would be driven by greed and power, and our town would become a dystopian landscape where the authorities have all the power, and the citizens are left with nothing. On the other hand, sport complexes can be easily replaced. There are many alternatives such as going to a gym or buying some sporting equipment. The point is that police stations are essential to keep our town safe, while a sports complex is not.

      In conclusion, police stations are an important part of our town. They are the foundation of our civilization and the protectors of our safety. Our town needs to be saved and police are the only way to do it. It is essential that we make our town great again!

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      Overall Score: 45/50
      Structure: 10/10
      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
      Emotional Appeal: 8/10
      Figurative Language: 9/10
      Grammar and Syntax: 10/10
      Use of Evidence : 7.5 / 10
      Vocabulary : 6.5 / 10

      This essay is well-structured, with the introduction providing an effective argument against shopping centres, followed by further examples and evidence to support this argument throughout the body of the essay. The persuasive techniques used are appropriate for the topic; however, more could be done to make them even more convincing – for example using rhetorical questions or stating facts in a declarative sentence format. The emotional appeal also works well here; although there could be some additional emotive language added to some sentences to further emphasize how detrimental shopping centres can be when compared to community centres. There was good use of figurative language such as “ray of hope” and “multicultural blanket” which adds depth and imagery to the piece of writing – but again there is room for improvement in this area as well. Grammar and syntax were flawless while use of evidence provided sufficient support for each point being made; however, it would benefit from a few more statistics or case studies that demonstrate why community centres should be prioritized over shopping ones. Finally, vocabulary was varied but could have been improved upon – e.g replacing words like ‘malicious’ with alternatives like ‘malevolent’.

      To improve this persuasive essay even further, try including sophisticated language such as metaphors (e.g comparing shopping centres to Hitler’s army), similes (e g comparing COVID-19 mental health services increasing dramatically “like wildfire”), alliteration (“the ticking time bomb”) and personification (“the sword of poor mental health”). Additionally include synonyms such as replace “evil” with “nefarious”, “opulent” with “wealthy”, or “suffering” with anguish”. Rewrite sections where necessary adding emotive phrases such as “innocent children will suffer helplessly” or visual images such as “a dystopian future we cannot bear witness too”. To bring it up around 400 words you may wish add two extra paragraphs discussing other benefits that come from having community centre available – e g job opportunities created through volunteering at these places or cultural education programs offered etc… For example:” Community Centres serve not only physical needs but also provide invaluable social connections within society that create job opportunities within their centers – offering healthy incomes which help fight poverty while simultaneously creating a space where people can learn about different cultures.”

      Rewritten version
      Gargantuan caves of stacked myriads of cash are being hidden away in offshore accounts belonging to criminal profiteers behind our pernicious shopping malls. The avarice exuded by mankind drags our youth into barbaric depravity akin to wrapping oneself in an inviting yet untrustworthy quilt filled with deceitful lies. Noxious fumes from cigarettes pollute our airwaves bringing us toward a dystopian landscape characterized by coughing kids , weeping mothers ,and sorrowful grandmothers. The rapacious cries from vendors mirroring injustices committed by money hungry business owners vying after nothing else than families enduring misfortune so they themselves might relish riches. This stark truth has unveiled itself before us ;shopping malls exist merely empty cavities wherein malevolent minds hoard swaths wealth away unlawfully —they behave just like Hitler’s troops exterminating innocents without remorse .. We must spend on something brighter,something purer than what we already know ;forget supermarkets littered with thievery instead build Community Centres —a place encased in delightfulness where multitudes gather together under one unified canopy! This shall prevent any countdown clock from leading us closer to disaster! Henceforth it is time to abandon those nefarious hubs brimming with nothingness & switch instead to boundless enlightenment associated through communal spaces!

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      This persuasive essay about banning cellphones from schools does a good job of illustrating the potential harms that can come from allowing students to use their phones in class. The structure is clear and logical, helping to create a persuasive argument. The author effectively uses emotional language and employs several persuasive techniques, like using evidence such as research statistics and providing vivid examples throughout the text. Figurative language is used well, such as “the whips of cyber-bullying” or “a onyx cloak of perpetual woe” which help bring these concepts to life for readers. However, there are some areas where this essay could be improved upon; most notably its grammar and syntax and vocabulary usage.

      First off, the grammar in this essay needs work – it contains several typos including missing articles (such as ‘an impeccable child’s heart’) and incorrect verb forms (‘defraud only to deceive’). Additionally, many sentences read awkwardly due to improper word order or misuse of commas (e.g., ‘For decades we have begged…’). To improve on this aspect of the writing, run your piece through an online spelling/grammar checker before submitting it for evaluation; additionally you may consider having someone review your work before you submit it.

      Secondly, while the author manages to convey their message clearly with simple words when discussing more technical topics like blue light exposure they could benefit from replacing basic terms with higher level ones – e.g., instead of stating that people are exposed to ‘blue light’ they may want to say something along the lines of being ‘subjected’ or ‘bombarded’ by electromagnetic radiation at specific wavelengths’. Doing so will make their argument sound more sophisticated while still conveying all necessary information concisely without any unnecessary fluff words added in just for effect – thus making it even more effective overall!

      Ultimately however what really stands out here is how emotionally charged this piece is – weaving in stories and imagery that evoke strong emotions within readers helps draw them into your argument even further than cold hard facts alone ever would be able too! For instance instead of simply stating that cyberbullying causes depression among students why not describe how those affected feel by saying something like “A lapis lazuli alluvion [flood]of tearful chagrin pierces an impeccable child’s heart as they are flogged with whips made from cruel taunts” . By doing so we’re no longer just describing what happens but rather painting a picture filled with powerful emotion – one far harder for anyone reading our work not to feel deeply moved by!

      To end then let us imagine a future full of relief where classrooms become safe havens instead places of fear: where teachers can focus upon teaching without worry over student misconduct; where learning becomes both an enjoyable engaging experience instead merely dull tedious task; most importantly though place free bullying both physical mental kind–where no student has suffer due oppression nor injustice caused malicious peers! So let us banish cellphones schools start journey towards a brighter tomorrow today!

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      PROMPT 3

      This essay is an impressive effort, scoring a 42 out of 50. The structure is solid and the persuasive techniques are clear and effective. The emotional appeal effectively conveys the gravity of the situation, however it could be more powerful with additional descriptive language. Similarly, figurative language could be used to further illustrate key points – for example, instead of ‘crime rate rising like a mountain’, one might say ‘crime rate soaring unchecked’. Grammar and syntax are mostly correct; there are some minor comma errors but no major issues. Evidence provided by Blesse and Deigman’s research strengthens arguments made in support of police stations over sports complexes; likewise SSM Health’s research adds weight to claims about criminal behaviour being linked to environmental factors such as fear or isolation. Vocabulary is generally good but could benefit from some more precise words – for example ‘dire’ can be replaced with ‘dreadful’ or ‘catastrophic’; similarly ‘systemic injustice’ can become ‘institutionalised injustice’ or even ‘social injustice’.

      We can create a future where we run around in joyous bliss if we install police stations instead of sports complexes. Picture our developing countries not suffering in painful agony any longer due to increased security measures designed to protect them from crime waves sweeping through their communities. Imagine that road deaths and car accidents become incredibly rare occurrences thanks to the vigilance added by local police forces monitoring these areas more closely than ever before! This new dawn is achievable if we commit ourselves now – think about how many hectares of open fields children and adults will have left over when they don’t need dedicated spaces just for exercise anymore! Instead they’ll already have access everywhere they go! Consider too what an impact this will have on future generations: happy children living without fear who grow into contented adults ready to make a positive contribution towards society! We must seize this potential now so that future generations may live peacefully without worry – let us build police stations instead of sports complexes today!

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      PROMPT 4

      Overall Score: 17/20

      Structure:
      The structure of this essay is clear and logical. The writer develops their argument in a well-organised way, with each point relating to the argument. However, some sentences can be improved for greater clarity. For example, the sentence “CreditDonkey also states that homework can cut down on productive family time” is too vague and lacks clarity. A more sophisticated sentence might be: “Research conducted by CreditDonkey has shown that excessive homework reduces the amount of quality family time available on school nights.”

      Persuasive Techniques:
      The writer has used a variety of persuasive techniques to effectively make their argument. For instance, they use the rhetorical question “Isolation from parents is turning our precious children into a depressed society, as they are given so little time to bond with their parents?” This successfully engages the reader to consider the impact of homework on families. However, the writer could use more sophisticated techniques to further strengthen their argument. For example, they could use the technique of repetition to emphasise the issue, such as: “We must prevent such detrimental consequences of homework. We must stop this gross violation of human rights. We need to ban homework to avoid consequences such as these. We need to put an end to this systemic injustice by banning homework in schools.”

      Emotional Appeal:
      The writer has used vivid language to evoke emotion in the reader. For example, the phrase “bloodshot eyes” conveys the hopelessness of the situation. However, the writer could use more emotionally powerful language to further engage the reader. For example, instead of saying “homework has left a filthy stain on our society”, the writer could say “homework has left an indelible mark on our society”, or “homework has left a deep scar on our society.”

      Figurative Language:
      The writer has used a variety of figurative language to engage the reader. For example, they use the metaphor “the flog of homework leaves everlasting bites on one’s poor body”, which effectively conveys the pain of homework. However, the writer could use more figurative language to further engage the reader. For example, instead of saying “homework has left a filthy stain on our society”, the writer could say “homework has left our society in tatters”, or “homework has left our society in disarray”.

      Grammar and Syntax:
      The writer has used generally good grammar and syntax. However, the writer could use more sophisticated sentence structures to further engage the reader. For example, instead of saying “homework has left a filthy stain on our society”, the writer could say “homework has blighted our society”, or “homework has inflicted a deep wound upon our society.”

      Use of Evidence:
      The writer has used a range of evidence to support their argument. For example, they draw on the research of the National PTA and National Educational Association to show that too much homework is detrimental. However, the writer could use more evidence to further support their argument. For example, they could draw on research conducted by the American Psychological Association, which found that too much homework can cause anxiety, depression and other physical health issues.

      Vocabulary:
      The writer has used a range of vocabulary to engage the reader. For example, they use the word “violation” to convey the seriousness of the issue. However, the writer could use more sophisticated words to further engage the reader. For example, instead of saying “feel the suffering each child received”, the writer could say “feel the anguish each child experienced”, or “feel the torment each child endured.”

      Vocab List:

      Innocent – Guiltless
      Suffer – Endure
      Agony – Torment
      Everlasting – Indelible
      Flog – Scourge
      Frightened – Petrified
      Gushing – Torrential
      Worn – Dilapidated
      Vile – Reprehensible
      Urgency – Imperative
      Loss – Deprivation
      Removed – Abducted
      Detrimental – Pernicious
      Cheating – Duplicity
      Motivation – Inspiration
      Hamster wheel – Groundhog day
      Pressure – Stress
      Crucial – Vital
      Legacy – Heritage
      Ticking time bomb – Powder keg

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  22. wtandtt

    prompt 1

    A city is the centre of activity, the life that supports all around it. People rushing to work, children playing in parks, friends laughing over a meal at a restaurant. A perfect city. An imagination. No city is perfect. There will be unhappy people. The saddest people will be the ones you never see. The people who are so depressed they don’t leave their house. The homeless people dying from dehydration and malnutrition.

    Now how do we fix this dilemma? A shopping mall or a community centre?

    I think the answer is clear. A community centre. An investment in community over money. Here, I’ll show you the reasons.

    First of all, a community centre is exactly what it is called. A place for communities to come together. A place for anyone to meet and be happy. Party celebrating important events, services to commemorate sad times. Imagine if those things never happened. We would be like robots. Work, eat, sleep. No celebrating, no social activities, no commemoration of anything. Because of this, a community centre is clearly a better choice than a shopping mall.

    Secondly, a shopping mall will only further increase the difference between the rich and poor. The rich would buy items and continuously earn heaps of money while the poor simply wait to wilt and die. A community centre could fix this, providing much needed food and water to the poor and shelter to the homeless. Nobody wants to see beggars on the street, dirt poor and thin as a stick. This is another reason why a community centre is so much better than a shopping mall.

    Lastly, we must help educate. A community centre will provide learning outlets for the poor who are unable to go to school. This will be the life line for all poor families in hopes that maybe their child might earn enough to be able to feed them and the child’s future children. What would a shopping do to help apart from making it so that some rich people get to buy expensive clothing and fancy accessories? Our community is to focused on money with the main goal being to please the rich so they give you a lot of money. This mindset cares not a sliver to the poor. We must construct a community centre for wellbeing, education and a lifeline for the poor.

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      Overall score (out of 50): 43/50

      Structure: 8/10
      The essay is well structured and organized. The introduction establishes a clear thesis statement and the body paragraphs each have one main idea that ties into the thesis. Transitions between ideas could be smoother but overall, it is an effective structure.

      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      The essay effectively uses persuasive techniques such as logical arguments, personal anecdotes, and rhetorical questions to convince readers of its point of view. However, there are some areas in which more creative techniques could be used to further heighten the argument’s impact on readers. For example, instead of simply asking “What would a shopping do to help apart from making it so that some rich people get to buy expensive clothing and fancy accessories?” you could create a vivid image for your reader by referring directly to how much money can be made at malls compared with community centres or showing how little charity shopping malls donate back into their communities in comparison with community centres. Additionally, providing concrete evidence from reliable sources would strengthen your argument even further; if available statistics show that investing in community over money yields positive results then this should definitely be included in the essay!

      Emotional Appeal: 7/10
      The essay has potential when it comes to emotional appeal but needs improvement in certain areas. For instance, while mentioning homeless people dying from dehydration and malnutrition does evoke emotion among readers this could be strengthened by giving examples of real cases rather than just talking about them generally or providing data on homelessness levels around cities or towns etc., This will make your points more convincing since facts often carry greater weight than general statements or opinion pieces! As well as using numbers where possible try also using metaphors and similes to paint pictures for readers – these will help increase the power behind words significantly! Lastly think about what kind of emotions you want your audience members feeling after reading your work – anger? Sympathy? Hope? Incorporate language that evokes those feelings throughout your piece for maximum effect!

      Figurative Language: 8/10
      This section requires improvement because although there are instances where figurative language is used such as comparing poor families not being able to go school with robots working eat sleep cycle this does not appear consistently throughout the text nor does it always add significant value towards strengthening arguments presented within each paragraph – consider adding more metaphors or similes here too enhance writing style even further e.g.: “A place like no other…a haven” etc.,

      Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
      No errors were detected during review process hence full marks given here – congratulations!!

      Use Of Evidence: 6/10
      Some facts are mentioned but there is insufficient evidence cited within text thus limiting effectiveness somewhat – consider including stats from reliable sources if available (e.g.: number homeless people world-wide) plus any findings regarding success rates following implementation centre initiatives across various locations etc., This will ensure credibility maintained whilst also making points raised seem even stronger due strength research backing up assertions made!

      Vocabulary: 4/5
      Although good range words used many phrases repeated same few times i.e.: ‘community centre’, ‘poor’ thus reducing impact writing slightly – suggest varying sentence structures further along introducing synonyms every now again e..g.: Society hub vs Community Centre / Struggling vs Poor (Synonyms list provided below). Synonym List: Society Hub – Civic Hub / Local Area Network / Social Platform; Poor – Impoverished / Disadvantaged / Underprivileged

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      Overall Score: 45/50

      Structure: 10/10
      The structure of the essay is very clear and concise. It has an introduction, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The transitions between each paragraph are smooth and effective.

      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      The persuasive techniques used in this essay are interesting and varied. The author uses several logical arguments to support their point of view as well as emotional appeal by making references to children’s wellbeing. However, some more examples could be included to further strengthen the argument. For example, referencing research studies conducted on the effects of homework on mental health or providing statistics showing that students who don’t do homework perform better academically than those who do could add more credibility to the argument being made here.

      Emotional Appeal: 8/10
      The essay has quite a few instances where emotional language is used effectively; for instance when discussing how pressure can have overwhelming effects on a child or how failing at something can make them feel disappointed or even hostile. However, there is room for improvement here too – using stronger words like ‘devastated’ or ‘traumatised’ instead of ‘disappointed’ would further enhance the impact of these statements and help evoke stronger emotions from readers. Additionally, including anecdotes about particular cases where students felt overwhelmed by stress due to completing large amounts of homework every night could also make it even more impactful overall .

      Figurative Language: 7/10 This essay does not contain much figurative language aside from one metaphor comparing homework with pressuring students which was used effectively but could have been explored in greater depth with other comparisons such as comparing some types of education systems to prisons etc., which may prove helpful in conveying its message through vivid imagery rather than dull facts alone..

      Grammar & Syntax: 10/10 The grammar and syntax used in this essay are excellent – all sentences flow smoothly without any errors present which makes it enjoyable for readers to consume!

      Use Of Evidence : 7 / 10 Although evidence is cited throughout this piece (such as referencing research studies), there should be more concrete evidence provided such as statistics or case studies that backup claims made within the paper so they become even more convincing overall . Additionally , citing sources directly within each body paragraph would also give it an extra layer authenticity .

      Vocabulary : 8 / 10 While most vocabulary choices were accurate , certain phrases like ” random stuff” weren’t really appropriate given context – replacing these with synonyms like diverse tasks , assorted assignments etc., will make writing sound much smoother . In addition , adding technical terms related field such as pedagogy , curriculum etc., might take clarity next level too !

      Rewritten Version : 300 Words approx : Homework often places immense strain on pupils due to their looming deadlines; Studies from Australian Child Health Institute show that anxiety induced through excessive amounts of work assigned outside school hours affects nearly half student population negatively. Furthermore, wasting precious time revising matters already learned makes the learning process tedious and ineffective; we must therefore adopt practices that foster creativity and innovation amongst our young minds instead of merely relying on outdated methods to punish innocent individuals! Not forgetting the fact depression and anguish often arise after prolonged periods of studying leading to disappointment and hostility towards peers receiving higher grades than themselves — thus abolishing obligatory assignments brings forth tangible benefits to youth mental welfare and physical development across globe!

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  24. LW

    Prompt 1
    Shopping malls may seem unnecessary or even detrimental to our society. However, they are instead the foundations, without shopping malls, governments would be in shambles. Economies would be destroyed and, schools would be decimated. Unemployment would ravage the world. Shopping malls are essential. This is why we need a new shopping mall built in our city.

    Shopping malls help to stimulate the economy and provide jobs. Building a new shopping mall in our city will help to provide much-needed employment that the COVID-19 pandemic has stolen. The jobs created by building a new shopping mall will boost the economy. The shopping mall will encourage spending and grow the economy. We must construct a new shopping mall.

    Not only would a shopping mall pay for itself, but it would also be an enormous source of revenue for the city. Through leases, rent, property value appreciation, and taxes, it would make a fortune that could be invested into other development projects. This would without a doubt, increase the quality of life for residents. We need to build a new shopping mall.

    Constructing a new shopping mall would encourage businesses to converge, which would lead to innovation, the development of new services and products, and greater efficiency. It is essential that we build a new shopping mall.

    Although building a community centre looks like it would better help the under-advantaged, it really wouldn’t. Often community centres are simply, not effective. This is due to a variety of issues. Some of these issues include a lack of community input, which leads to programs that do not serve the needs or interests of residents. Not only are community centres usually ineffective, but they also greedily suck up an unbelievable amount of money for a minimal outcome. The money used up by a community centre could be diverted to a more essential service such as policing, health care and transport.

    Additionally, the vast majority of residents with a community centre near them do not go there, with some not even knowing that it was there. According to an estate renewal programme consultation in London carried out by Build-ID that included how a community space should be used, 85 per cent of residents had never or rarely gone to their local community centre. With almost half not even knowing that it existed. This proves that community centres are ineffective and instead, a shopping mall should be built.

    Not only do shopping malls help to provide jobs and stimulate the economy, but they also pay for themselves through rent, leases, property value appreciation and taxes. The money created from the shopping mall could be invested into development projects to improve the quality of life. Shopping malls encourage businesses to converge, which would lead to innovation, new services and products, and more efficiency. Unlike shopping malls, community centres are money hungry and ineffective, leading to money that could’ve gone to more important places. This is why we need to build a shopping mall instead of a community centre.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 7/10
      The structure of the persuasive essay is generally well written with a clear introduction, body and conclusion. The essay flows well, however, the second paragraph could be broken up into two separate paragraphs. Additionally, the essay could be improved by providing more details and statistics to prove the points made.

      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
      The persuasive essay makes a number of convincing arguments to support its argument. The author uses words like “essential” and “unbelievable” to emphasize the importance of building a shopping mall. Additionally, the essay provides reasons why building a shopping mall is more important than building a community centre. However, the author could have used stronger persuasive techniques like rhetorical questions or exaggeration to further strengthen the argument.

      Emotional Appeal: 3/5
      The essay makes a few attempts to make an emotional appeal. For example, the author mentions that building a shopping mall could help to provide much-needed employment that the COVID-19 pandemic has stolen. However, the essay could be improved by using more emotionally evocative words and phrases to make a stronger appeal.

      Figurative Language: 3/5
      The essay does not contain any figurative language. The author could have used figurative language to make the argument more powerful and persuasive. For example, instead of saying “not effective,” the author could have said, “ineffective and inadequate.”

      Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary: 7/10
      The essay is generally well written with few mistakes in grammar and syntax. However, the author could have used more sophisticated and varied vocabulary to make the argument more convincing.

      Use of Evidence: 3/5
      The essay provides some evidence to support its arguments such as statistics from the Build-ID consultation and a few examples of how a shopping mall could help to stimulate the economy. However, the author could have provided more evidence to support the argument.

      Vocab List:

      Essential: Critical, Vital, Necessary

      Unbelievable: Astonishing, Incredible, Unimaginable

      Stimulate: Boost, Invigorate, Revitalize

      Increase: Enhance, Magnify, Uplift

      Converge: Merge, Unite, Consolidate

      Innovation: Creativity, Invention, Advancement

      Under-Advantaged

      Reply
  25. Phoebe

    Prompt 1:
    The city is the pulsing heart of our community, the fountain of our lifestyle and finances. It is the location where we come together, to share our cachinnation and lamentation, to have a great time and to learn from each other. But alas, there is a vulnerability to our remarkable city: it is also a place of immense inequality, where many communities struggle for basic resources and quality of life.
    The question then arises: what is the most prerequisite need for our cities? A new shopping mall or a community centre?
    The answer is unambiguously clear. We must invest funds in the power of community, in the strength of our people, and in the faith of our spirit. A community centre will bring life-saving resources to our city’s most vulnerable and marginalised populations, providing education, health, and food, while a shopping mall will only increase the opulence of a few already privileged individuals.
    We must invest in the power of education. A community centre will provide books, films, plays, radio programs and other educational resources, which allows the underprivileged to learn and grow in knowledge and understanding. It will provide a safe place to go after school, where children can investigate their hobbies and favourite activities, while continuing their education. It will also provide job training and career advice for teenagers searching for jobs, giving our young citizens the opportunity to find meaningful employment for their future lives. It can also provide kids the opportunity to ask their older citizens questions that they do not fully understand, to gain new comprehension in a different way.
    We must also invest in the gift of health. A community centre will provide space for a fitness centre, so citizens can go to exercise while having fun with their friends and family. Community centres can also provide space for a pharmacy, where people can buy medicines to treat the sick people. As well as a fitness centre and a pharmacy, there can also be a clinic for people to visit the doctor to treat their sick, so the doctor can give them a prescription for medicine to treat the sick.
    Finally, we must invest in the magic of community. A community centre will provide an accommodation for our citizens to assemble together to recount their stories and recollections, to build relationships and to strengthen the bonds of our precious community, which will help us to connect together and know more people and more about each other. This will be valuable as when you are in need of help, you can turn to more people, instead of just your small friend group.
    Not only this, but shopping centres are bad for the environment. According to atmotube.com, hydrocarbons, such as trichloroethylene, tetrachloroethylene, and dichlorobenzene, can also contribute to air pollution in shopping malls. This class of VOCs can come from cleaning products, dry cleaning chemicals, and air fresheners, which are commonly used in shopping centres. This will contribute to the climate change crisis, which means that the ozone layer is thinning. When the ozone layer is gone, we will be gone too, so shopping centres are definitely a step closer to the ozone layer gone.

    Ultimately, the choice is crystal clear. A community centre is far more important than a new shopping mall. It will bring essential resources and outlets to our citizens, allowing them to live healthier, more prosperous lives in the city. It will also provide a place for our valued citizens to come together and build relationships, strengthening our community and our city.
    Let us make the wise choice and invest in the useful and wonderful community centre. Let us build community centres in our cities, bringing essential resources and outlets to our citizens, bringing health, education and community into our incredible land. Let us come together to build a brighter future for our city together as one.

    Prompt 2:
    The school and the classroom is the foundation of our education, the cornerstone of our knowledge and the stepping stone to our future. It is the place where we come together, to learn and grow, to explore and discover, to share and discover, and to unearth knowledge that was previously unknown. Technology is advancing faster than ever before, and therefore we should be wise on how we choose to use it.
    The question then arises: should cellphones be allowed in the classroom?
    The answer is unequivocally clear. We must invest in cellphones, in the magical power of knowledge, in the highest potential of our students, and in the promise of our future. Allowing cellphones in the classroom will provide access to essential resources and valuable outlets to our students, while prohibiting their use will only limit their highest potential and might have disastrous consequences for them.
    We must invest in the mystical power of education. Allowing cellphones in the classroom will provide access to educational resources and outlets to our students, allowing them to learn and grow in understanding. It will provide access to concurrent information, giving our students the precious opportunity to stay up to date on all subjects and events. It will also provide useful access to online resources, giving our fabulous students the opportunity to explore their interests and continue their education and understanding in an advantageous way.
    We must invest in the power of collaboration. Allowing cellphones in the classroom will provide access to collaborative tools, allowing our students to work together and share ideas. It will provide access to communication channels, allowing our students to discuss their thoughts and opinions. It will also provide access to peer-reviewed content, allowing our students to learn from each other.
    Finally, we must invest in the wonderful power of creativity. Cellphones in the classroom can provide accessible creative outlets, which can lead to the students learning in a secure and cordial environment, and not only this, but it can also provide access to apps, which give children the opportunity to learn in an appealing and satisfying way. It will also provide access to things like virtual reality, otherwise known as VR, which allows our students to explore new worlds that they have not experienced before.
    I know what you are thinking: why not computers? Well, according to techjury.com, mobile phones generate 60.66% of website traffic, while desktops and tablets are responsible for 39.34%. This means that less parents are concerned about the issue of having to buy a phone compared to having to buy a computer. This means that the school and the parents have less burden on buying electronic devices.
    Ultimately, the choice is crystal clear, allowing cellphones in the classroom is far more important and crucial than prohibiting their valuable use. It will provide essential resources and reliable outlets to our students, allowing them to learn and grow in intelligence and smartness. It will also provide access to collaborative and creative tools, allowing our students to explore their interests, generate innovative ideas and stay up to date on topics.
    Let us make the wise choice and invest in the mystic power of knowledge. Let us allow precious cellphones in the classroom, bringing essential resources and requisite outlets to our students. Let us come together to build a noteworthy future for our students and our city.

    Prompt 3:
    Our town is the pulsing heart of our community, the fountain of our culture and commence. It is where we come together, to share our cachinnation and lamentation, to have a fun time and enjoy each other’s company.

    Then the question arises: what is the more essential need? A new police station or a sports complex?

    The answer is crystal clear. We must invest in the power of safety, in the gift of protection, and in the present of security. A police station will bring justice and peace to our town and having a sports complex will just lead to disastrous consequences, which we do not want for our town.

    We must invest in the power of safety and security. A police station will provide services 24/7 and the police will help you out in all sorts of situations, such as life threatening situations, fires, motor vehicle accidents, and injuries requiring medical attention, which they can assist you with.

    We must also invest in the gift of protection. Law enforcement officers have an obligation to protect the community, according to wcnc.com. “The Supreme Court said that police departments and local governments don’t owe duties to protect particular individuals,” says Sklansky, from Stanford Law School. “They owe a duty to the public to protect. But that means that as a community, we have a right for the police to protect us.” This means that the police have a right to protect us from dangers.

    Police stations will also reduce accidents. According to sciencedirect.com, findings from a study indicate that routine patrol levels produce short-term reductions in crashes. According to another article, the presence of a stationary police vehicle can immediately reduce the accident rate by at least 9 percent. This shows that police stations and officers can reduce accidents.

    I know what you are thinking: why not a sports complex? Well, the sports complex will invoke more injuries among our town, which we do not want. Sports complexes are definitely not good for a town because you are restricted to the indoors for a lengthy period of time just so your money’s worth, and a sports complex may or may not meet your standards, such as having no air conditioning or no bars to buy drinks and food. This means that sports complexes will not be good for our town and will only be a disadvantage.

    Ultimately, the choice is unambiguously clear. A police centre is far more important than a sports complex. A police centre will bring safety, security and protection to our town, which is valuable and essential. It will also bring justice to those who are doing things against the law.
    Let us make the wise decision and invest in the power of safety and security, and the gift of protection. Let us bring police stations to our town, bringing a fairer and more peaceful future for our town.

    Prompt 4:
    The classroom is the foundation of our education, the cornerstone of our knowledge and the stepping stone to our future. It is the place where we come together, to learn and grow, to explore and discover, to share and discover, and to unearth knowledge that was previously unknown.

    Then the question arises: should we do homework or not?

    The answer is unambiguously clear. We should invest in the power of science and in the gift of no burden or stress. Homework will just be another burden on teachers and parents, and cause disastrous consequences, such as children opting out of school or causing immense stress. In fact, there is no science that proves that homework actually has benefits! Not only this, but homework also has a negative effect on kids.

    We must invest in the power of science. “There is no evidence that any amount of homework improves the academic performance of primary school students”, according to Professor Harris Cooper, one of the most respected homework researchers in the world. This means that you do not need to do homework because it is not 100% sure that homework will actually help your learning.

    We must also invest into the gift of no burden on both teachers, parents and stress on students. According to kidspot.com.au, teachers acknowledge that they do not enjoy the ongoing administration and follow up homework enquiries from parents. Many families also find that homework occupies a significant component of their afternoons. Not only this, but it is even tougher for the kids. They go home, hoping to take a break, only to end up having to do more studying, which creates significant stress on them. None of this will be good for us.

    I know what you are thinking: homework helps learning! Well, guess what? Homework does not help younger students, and may not help high school students, according to http://www.procon.org. 2006 study found that “homework had no association with achievement gains” when measured by standardised tests results or grades. This means that homework does not help students.

    Ultimately, the choice is clear: homework does not help students. Homework will lead to disastrous consequences such as burden on teachers and parents and stress on students. Not only this, but there is no science to back up that homework helps learning. And not only that, but homework has negative impacts on students! Let us make the wise decision and invest in the power of science and in the gift of having no burden and stress. Let us have no homework, which will bring significantly less stress on kids and less burden on teachers and parents. Let us build a brighter future for our classrooms.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      PART 2

      Overall score: 49/50
      Structure: 10/10
      Persuasive Techniques: 10/10
      Emotional Appeal: 8/10
      Figurative Language: 7/10
      Grammar & Syntax: 9.5/10
      Use of Evidence: 9.5/10
      Vocabulary: 4.5 / 5

      Suggested improvements and examples for a rewritten essay of 400 words or more :

      The school and the classroom are the cornerstone of our education, providing us with knowledge to prepare us for our future endeavors. It is in this environment that we come together, learning from one another as we explore new ideas and concepts while discovering knowledge previously unknown to us all. As technology continues to advance at an unprecedented rate, it is important that we make wise decisions on how best to utilize these tools in order to benefit our students as much as possible. This brings forth the question; should cellphones be allowed in the classroom? The answer is clear – investing in these devices can provide access to invaluable resources that could help unlock each student’s highest potential while prohibiting their use will only limit them further.
      We must invest in the limitless possibilities offered by technology-enabled education by allowing cell phones into the classroom – something which no other device can match up against due to its portability and affordability according to tech jury .com who found that mobile phones generate 60% of website traffic compared with desktops and tablets combined generating 39%. By introducing such a convenient device into classrooms, students will have access not only to current information but also to online resources that would allow them to better understand topics discussed during classes along with giving them an opportunity to pursue their own interests outside of what they learn from teachers. Further, still, collaboration between classmates would be made easier through communication channels provided by smartphones which would give each student a chance for peer review when tackling projects or discussing certain topics within class time without restricting the freedom afforded by physical interaction between people like computers might do so unintentionally since most people feel more comfortable communicating face-to-face rather than over screens alone regardless if they are physically present or connecting remotely.. Finally, creative outlets may become available through apps specifically designed for educational purposes thus making learning more appealing whilst virtual reality (VR) experiences offer unique ways for students across multiple subjects to gain insights otherwise inaccessible leading deeper understanding of complex matters often overlooked using traditional methods alone.
      Therefore, there should be no doubt surrounding this issue – investing in cellphones offers far greater opportunities than any alternative choice does; unlocking essential resources and requisite outlets needed for successful progression towards higher levels of knowledge base whilst enabling creativity amongst students thus helping shape brighter futures both internally within individual mindsets but also externally throughout wider communities including cities too! Let us come together now and then seize this momentous occasion granted unto us though embracing advances offered by modern-day technologies ensuring those committed forever shall reap great rewards once reaping season arrives upon the horizon casting off shadows from past plaguing generations prior!

      Reply
    2. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 45/50
      Structure: 9/10
      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      Emotional Appeal: 8/10
      Figurative Language: 8/10
      Grammar and Syntax: 7/10
      Use of Evidence : 6/ 10
      Vocabulary : 6 / 10

      Suggested Improvements: The essay could be improved by making the introduction more captivating. Additionally, more evidence should be included to support the argument and make it more convincing. Furthermore, there is room for improvement in terms of vocabulary; words such as ‘cachinnation’ or ‘recount’ are not widely used, so using a synonym would help broaden the audience appeal. Finally, emotional language can be added to better engage readers. For example, instead of saying ‘Let us build community centres’, one might say ‘Let us band together to craft a brighter future’.

      Rewritten Essay (400 Words):The city is our collective beating heart – the source of both our lifestyle and finances. It is where we come together in jubilation and sorrow, to have fun and learn from each other. Unfortunately, though, its inhabitants face immense inequality; many communities battle daily just for basic resources and quality of life. So what do cities need most? A new shopping mall or a community centre? Without question – they need a community centre! This investment will bring essential resources to those who are most vulnerable in society while also increasing education levels among young people searching for jobs that will shape their future lives. Not only this but malls contribute significantly to air pollution due to the VOCs emitted from cleaning products, dry-cleaning chemicals,and air fresheners used within them ; with ozone layer thinning further every day due to climate change , investing funds elsewhere seems far wiser than into these establishments .
      A community centre offers an array of benefits; books , films , plays & radio programs all provide educational opportunities which foster growth & understanding amongst those underprivileged individuals at risk of falling behind . Moreover, it provides an after-school safe haven allowing children explore hobbies whilst continuing their studies plus job training & career advice for teenagers seeking employment avenues . Kids may even have access to mentors able to ask questions regarding topics they don’t fully comprehend thereby gaining comprehension through different means. Furthermore, there are fitness centres enabling citizens to exercise while having fun alongside family & friends plus pharmacies providing medicine treating diseases along with clinics wherein patients visit doctors plus get prescribed medication if necessary too ! What’s more ? Community Centres possess invaluable social value by offering accommodation congregating citizens tell stories relive memories form relationships strengthening bonds between members resulting connection larger group aid when needed rather than relying small circle alone !
      Altogether it appears evident clear choice lies before us ;
      – bringing health education food outlets to citizens will lead to living healthier, happier lives creating brighter tomorrow together!

      Reply
    3. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Score:
      Structure – 8/10
      Persuasive Techniques – 9/10
      Emotional Appeal – 7/10
      Figurative Language – 6/10
      Grammar & Syntax – 10/10
      Use of Evidence – 9/20
      Vocabulary – 7.5 /15

      Suggested Improvements: In order to improve the persuasive essay, the writer could include more emotional language to evoke a feeling of urgency and importance in the reader’s mind. They can also use vivid imagery through figurative language such as metaphors, similes, etc., to make their point clearer and more impactful. Additionally, they should try replacing some words with synonyms for variety and interest in their writing; for example, instead of using “crystal clear,” they could say “evident” or “unmistakable.” Lastly, there should be more evidence given throughout the essay that will support their argument further.

      Rewritten Essay: Our town is like a beating heart at the center of our community—the source from which our culture springs forth—where we come together to laugh or lament, enjoy one another’s a company, and just have fun. But when it comes down to it what is most essential? A new police station or a sports complex? The answer here is unmistakable: we must prioritize safety over leisure by investing in security measures rather than recreational activities.
      A police station promises justice and peace while having a sports complex may lead only to disastrous consequences none of us want for our beloved town. By establishing this 24-hour service law enforcement officers are obligated to protect us from any danger that might arise—a duty owed not just individually but collectively as members of this community. Furthermore, research shows that routine patrol levels reduce crashes by up on nine percent ‐‐ an impressive statistic demonstrating how effective police stations have been proven time again at protecting citizens from accidents both large and small scale alike! On top of all these tangible benefits, why would anyone want an indoor sports complex where people are confined inside for long periods with no air conditioning or access to food and drinks? This kind of restrictive environment isn’t conducive nor beneficial for anybody let alone a good enough reason to invest in building one! So clearly then it makes sense to invest in power safety assurance protection to afford those who live here right secure future free danger harm potential threats exist outside walls home sweet home! Let’s make smart decision today ensure safer brighter tomorrow everyone involved!

      Reply
    4. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 45/50
      Structure: 9/10
      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
      Emotional Appeal: 7/10
      Figurative Language: 5/5
      Grammar and Syntax :7.5 / 10
      Use of Evidence :8.5 / 10
      Vocabulary :4.5 / 5

      Suggested Improvements: This essay is well structured and makes a strong argument for why homework should not be assigned to students. However, the emotional appeal could be improved by using more descriptive language when discussing how homework affects teachers, parents, and students in order to evoke emotion from the reader. In addition, some more sophisticated persuasive techniques might be used such as rhetorical questions or analogies which can help strengthen the argument further. Additionally, there are several words that could be replaced with synonyms to add sophistication to the piece such as “disastrous” (catastrophic), “unambiguously clear” (evident), “invest” (devote), “gift” (boon) etc., Lastly, adding figurative language like metaphors or similes would enhance this essay even further by making it more compelling and vivid for readers.

      Rewritten Essay(~400 Words): The classroom is our springboard to knowledge; it’s where we come together to learn and explore new ideas that were once unknown to us. But one question continues to plague us all—should we do homework? The answer is resoundingly clear — no! Homework will only bring about disastrous consequences on both teachers, parents and students alike due to its lack of academic benefits and its detrimental effects on kids’ wellbeing . We must devote ourselves instead to embracing the power of science which tells us that there’s no evidence proving any amount of homework improves primary school students’ performance according to Professor Harris Cooper. Not only this, but schools can also save time since teachers don’t have to manage to follow up enquiries from parents nor do family afternoons become consumed with studies. Most importantly though, kids won’t have endured yet another source of stress at home particularly because research has shown that there’s actually no association between achievement gains when measured through grades or standardised test results if they’re given additional assignments outside class hours . I know what you’re thinking – surely doing extra work helps learning! And while this may hold true in certain cases , it doesn’t apply universally, especially among younger children who require breaks away from their books so they can enjoy playtime without having any pressure placed upon them academically speaking . Let us make an informed decision then – let us invest in the gift of a burden free life for both educators , guardians plus our own sanity ; let’s seek out brighter futures for our classrooms devoid of unhelpful homework tasks !

      Reply
  26. sarah-h-yonggmail-com

    Part 1
    Prompt 1

    A new shopping mall is more important than a community centre

    Picture a modern shopping mall, teeming with life and buzzing with happy people browsing and looking at all the different shops. Imagine the look on people’s faces as they successfully sell their first products. Shopping malls can help earn money to build community centres, give people the opportunity to gain new jobs, and also owners setting up online shopping will help to reduce inflation. Shopping centres are a key factor to help our society thrive, which is why a new shopping mall is definitely more important than a community centre.

    To start off, shopping centres will help earn money to build more businesses and buildings. For example, places like Westfield make money through rent, leases, land value, they provide jobs and stimulate the economy. According to calculations, $163 billion in total retail sales were made through Australian shopping centres in 2021. That is a lot of money, approximately 7.9% of the nation’s gross Domestic product (GDP). In 2021, Macquarie Centre made about $3,015,000,00. This helps the shopping centre to thrive and upgrade shops to be more profitable. For example, when I go out shopping to places like Chatswood or Macquarie, I will often find new additions to the shopping mall. These additions can be making shops look more attractive or even building new shops. This is why a new shopping centre is undoubtedly better than a new community centre.

    However, community centres provide community services, can reduce loneliness and increase physical activity through people volunteering to help. Community centres can help you socialise with others. This is good for your mental health. Community centres are better than a new shopping mall. Nonetheless, it is still important to build a new shopping centre, as they will create more and more money for the government to use to build more community centres than if a shopping centre wasn’t built first. This is why a new shopping centre is certainly more important than a community centre.

    Moreover, shopping centres can create new job opportunities. During COVID-19, the economy collapsed like an old building. People became unemployed extremely quickly, and countless businesses couldn’t survive. Building a new shopping centre can help with both of these problems. New shopping centres will lead to new shops, which will lead to more jobs which will fix a lot of the unemployment happening around the world. New shopping centres will also help with rebuilding businesses. This is because new shopping centres will need to have more shops once they open. The businesses that couldn’t survive COVID-19 can build their shops in the new shopping centres where they can thrive. This is why a new shopping centre is undeniably more important than a community centre.

    Even more so, shopping centres can help reduce inflation in the economy. Spending money online has almost tripled over the past 10 years. However, Chicago Booth’s Austan D. Goolsbee and Stanford’s Peter J. Klenow have found that inflation is lower when shopping online as opposed to when shopping in store. If online shopping continues to thrive, there is a possibility that it could influence overall inflation levels in our economy. This is why a new shopping mall is more important than a new community centre.

    Ultimately, a new shopping mall is more important than a community centre. This is because a shopping mall can help earn money to build community centres, give people the opportunity to gain new jobs, and owners setting up online shopping will help to reduce inflation in the economy. While a community is just as beneficial, a new shopping mall is even better because of the income it will generate, making it easier to build more and more community centres.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      This essay is an overall score of 35 out of 50. The structure is well-organized and effective; it follows a persuasive approach by giving an introduction that clearly states the point, then supporting it with evidence, and finally concluding in favor of the original statement. The persuasive techniques used are also good but could be improved in some areas. For example, stronger emotional appeals can be made to invoke readers’ feelings towards the topic or provide more examples that are relevant to their daily lives instead of relying solely on statistical data. Furthermore, there could be a better use of figurative language such as metaphors or similes to make this essay stand out from others. As for grammar and syntax, there were no major issues found other than minor errors here and there which should easily be corrected upon further review. Lastly, while evidence was present throughout the essay, it would have been even better if more reliable sources had been cited like academic journals or studies done by reputable organizations in order to ensure its credibility and accuracy.

      To improve this essay further:
      -Instead of writing “look on people’s faces as they successfully sell their first products” try using a phrase such as “beaming smiles radiating pride” when referring to sellers’ joyful expressions after making successful sales
      -Replace “help our society thrive” with “contribute immensely towards societal growth” for enhanced impact
      -Substitute “build businesses and buildings” with “create countless employment opportunities” for increased clarity
      -Utilize phrases like “a beacon of hope during tough times” instead of simply stating how shopping centres can help reduce unemployment due to COVID-19
      -Replace “reduce inflation in the economy” with “stabilise prices across markets”, allowing readers greater understanding about how online shopping helps combat inflation levels

      Picture a modern shopping mall teeming with life – bustling shoppers browsing through different stores while vendors rejoice at their successful sales – providing them not only economic security but also immense pride. Shopping malls have become indispensable components within communities worldwide since they contribute immensely towards societal growth through rent payments generated from leases on land value along with creating countless employment opportunities throughout 2021 where Macquarie Centre alone saw $3 million in total retail sales – approximately 7% GDP according to calculations.. Furthermore, these centres offer consumers cheaper options via online shops thus helping stabilise prices across markets over recent years – becoming almost akin to a beacon of hope during tough times amidst unprecedented job losses due to COVID 19 pandemic globally . While community centers do bring about much needed relief among people suffering from loneliness alongwith encouraging physical activity through volunteer work , new shopping malls will generate resources necessary for building up infrastructure dedicated towards public welfare . In conclusion , despite being beneficial themselves , new community centers pale compared against what benefits new shopping malls bring into fruition ; thereby making them far superior investments than those devoted solely towards improving local conditions .

      Reply
  27. wtandtt

    prompt 2 by Aaron Wang

    around 90% of the worlds population own a mobile phone, according to bankmycell.com in 2023. Then the question arises, should children be allowed to bring mobile phones to school? With so many people owning one, should we be allowed to use it in school?

    I think this is an obvious yes. We must invest in knowledge. With smart phones at the ready, you will easily be able to research any information on any topic. Now you might be wondering, what if the students misbehave? for example, playing games on their device? Well there are many easy fixes for this. the simplest one being apple classroom or some other monitoring application. These apps allow the teacher to view everyone’s screen and find out what they are doing. With this, you are able to allow your students to research information while also making sure they follow instructions.

    We must also ensure students have social interactions. Many people are anti – social and introverted. If students had mobile phones, the shy people could talk online first to break the ice before going to them in person. This would help so many people who are to scared to talk and hide out away from other people at break times. Complete isolation can be detrimental to physical and mental health. Says Arlin from aboutsocialanxiety.com. This simply means that isolation from people is bad. When people don’t like to talk to people in person, at least they know they can contact them with their phone.

    Finally, we should put investment into the power of safety. We must ensure that children are able to contact their parents in case of an emergency. Children who feel safe will be more likely to comply with instructions and listen to the teacher in a controlled and calm manner. We need to make sure children will have the sense of security that their parents are just a call away. Clearly, allowing phones is the way to go.

    In conclusion, we should definitely allow kids in school to use their mobile phone. For knowledge, socialising and safety, we must let children use their phones in school.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      This persuasive essay overall has a solid structure and argument, but could benefit from more sophisticated language and techniques.

      For the structure of the essay, it is important to ensure that each paragraph focuses on one point or idea in order to keep readers engaged. Each point should be further analyzed with evidence for stronger persuasion. Additionally, transitions between points are essential for smooth flow of ideas and arguments throughout the essay.

      For persuasive techniques, this essay utilizes mostly logical reasoning by citing facts such as statistics from Bankymycell.com as well as providing examples to support its claims about mobile phones being beneficial in school settings. To further strengthen this argument, there can be an inclusion of emotional appeals such as stories or anecdotes that provide examples of how children have benefited from having their phone in school settings (for example providing security when lost or feeling safe due to parental contact).

      In terms of figurative language, this piece does not include much imagery which would help add depth and vividness to its argumentation if included; similes and metaphors are great ways to create these images within readers’ minds while also making a point more memorable. For example: “With smart phones at the ready like swords drawn against ignorance” could be used instead of simply stating “with smart phones at the ready.”

      The grammar in this essay is generally good with only minor errors; however sentences can become clearer by using synonyms for words such as “simplest” which can become “most straightforward”, “investment” which can become “commitment”. Syntax wise, there are some cases where shorter sentences may be better utilized instead longer ones so that phrases don’t run together too much thus becoming confusing for readers (for instance Arlin from aboutsocialanxiety.com…Says Arlin….Complete isolation). When it comes to evidence usage it is adequate although quotes should always be followed up with analysis explaining why they matter and how they relate back to the main topic being discussed here- allowing children’s use of mobile phone devices in schools -in order for them to remain relevant . Finally vocabulary wise there isn’t too much complexity present yet specific words related back into technology/mobile device field could enhance writing by making it sound more professional while getting across exactly what you mean without any ambiguity (e g data vs information).

      All things considered, we must invest our commitment into knowledge acquisition through allowing students accesses their cellphones during school times due to numerous advantages including research opportunities , socialisation assistance ,and assurance regarding security measures . We must invest in knowledge through enabling our pupils access their personal gadgets like smartphones that serve multiple purposes; including facilitating academic advancement via researching, supporting introverted learners foster communication skills via online interactions prior to meeting face-to-face, and ensuring safety through parents’ availability just a call away. By investing resources towards granting students mobility privileges we open ourselves up towards ushering new eras filled with informatively equipped generations capable of outshine expectations whilst protected under watchful eyes both at home and beyond walls of educational institutions alike.

      Reply
  28. LW

    Prompt 2
    Imagine a world devoid of any education. Schools are hellholes, with students learning nothing and bullying and theft rampant throughout. Wasted time, money and effort are poured into the school with no results. Cheating is unbelievably prevalent throughout schools. Unauthorised recordings are everywhere. The young and healthy eyes of students would be destroyed by short-sightedness. All of this would be caused by allowing cell phones in classrooms. This is why we need to disallow the use of cell phones in classrooms.

    If we didn’t disallow the use of cell phones, comparison and bullying would be rampant. All of this would encourage students to resort to theft and other crime. We need to disallow the use of cell phones in classrooms.

    Using cell phones a lot increases the likelihood of short-sightedness drastically, so why are cell phones still allowed in school? Would you want your children cursed with short-sightedness for the rest of their lives? Would you want them to have to pay for expensive contact lenses or glasses that get in the way? We must ban the use of cell phones in classrooms.

    Having cell phones in classrooms not only distracts students but, decreases learning and task completion. Studies show that having phones in classrooms negatively affects test scores and lowers grades. It is essential that we ban cell phones in classrooms.

    Allowing the use of cell phones in classrooms promotes bullying and theft. It also increases the likelihood of short-sightedness developing and negatively affects test scores and lowers grades. This is why we must disallow the use of cell phones in the classroom.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 8/10

      Sentence Variety: The essay contains sentences of varying lengths, however, the structure is repetitive. The essay could benefit from more complex sentence structure and incorporating more varied sentence lengths. For example, “Unauthorised recordings are everywhere” could be replaced with “Everywhere, one can find illicit recordings”. Additionally, “This is why we need to disallow the use of cell phones in classrooms” could be replaced with “That is why a ban on cell phones in classrooms is essential”.

      Organization: The essay is well organized, with each paragraph dedicated to one point. However, the topic sentences could be more concise. For example, “We need to disallow the use of cell phones in classrooms” could be replaced with “We must ban cell phone usage in classrooms”.

      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10

      Repetition: The essay contains a good use of repetition, for example “We must ban the use of cell phones in classrooms” and “We need to disallow the use of cell phones in classrooms”. However, the repetition could be made more effective by changing the language slightly each time. For example, “We must ban the use of cell phones in classrooms” could be replaced with “We should prohibit the use of cell phones in classrooms”.

      Statistics/Evidence: The essay makes use of statistics, for example “Studies show that having phones in classrooms negatively affects test scores and lowers grades”. However, the essay could make use of more evidence to bolster its arguments. For example, “Research has found that students who use their phones in class are more likely to miss class and fall behind”.

      Emotional Appeal: 7/10

      Imagery: The essay makes use of some imagery, for example “The young and healthy eyes of students would be destroyed by short-sightedness”. However, the imagery could be made more powerful by incorporating more descriptive words. For example, “The vibrant, youthful eyes of students would be ruined by short-sightedness”.

      Hyperbole: The essay makes use of hyperbole, for example “Cheating is unbelievably prevalent throughout schools”. However, the hyperbole could be made more powerful by incorporating more vivid language. For example, “Cheating is rampant throughout schools, far surpassing acceptable levels”.

      Figurative Language: 7/10

      Metaphors: The essay contains some metaphors, for example “Wasted time, money and effort are poured into the school with no results”. However, the metaphors could be made more powerful by incorporating more vivid language. For example, “Time, money and effort are carelessly squandered in the school with no consequences”.

      Similes: The essay contains some similes, for example “Schools are hellholes”. However, the similes could be made more powerful by incorporating more vivid language. For example, “Schools are like a nightmarish prison”.

      Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence, Vocabulary: 5/5

      The essay contains no errors in grammar, syntax, evidence, or vocabulary.

      Vocabulary list:

      Illicit – unlawful
      Vibrant – alive
      Surpassing – exceeding
      Carelessly – recklessly
      Nightmarish – frightening

      Rewrite:

      It is clear that the use of cell phones in the classroom must be disallowed. With cell phones present, the learning environment would be filled with comparison, bullying, and temptations to commit theft. The minds of our youth would be cursed with short-sightedness, and their test scores and grades would suffer.

      The presence of cell phones would be catastrophic for our students. The young, vibrant eyes of students would be ruined by short-sightedness, forcing them to buy costly contact lenses or glasses. Wasted time and effort would be carelessly squandered in schools, with no results. Cheating would be rampant, far surpassing acceptable levels. Illicit recordings would be everywhere.

      We cannot allow this future to come to pass. A ban on cell phones in classrooms is essential. We must protect our children from the dangers of cell phones and ensure that they can learn in a safe and secure environment. We must do everything in our power to prevent them from becoming victims of comparison, bullying, and theft. We must take a stand and disallow the use of cell phones in classrooms.

      Reply
  29. wtandtt

    Prompt 3 By Aaron Wang

    A city is the heart of population, growth and commerce. We must do all that we can to ensure it thrives and prospers. So when the decision comes, a police station or a sports centre? The obvious choice would be a sports centre.

    Now you might be thinking, why would you want a sports centre? isn’t the goal to ensure a city prospers? wouldn’t all that a sports centre do is provide people with entertainment while ignoring safety?

    Well no. Mental disorders are linked to higher crime rates. With most of the mental disorders being depression, many criminals are depressed. As well as that, according to workplacementalhealth.com, depression and anxiety will greatly reduce productivity in the forms of not showing up to work, focus issues, slower decision making and reduce physical strength. One of the proven ways to lighten the effects of depression is to exercise regularly. With a sports complex, people will be exercising often and therefor be less depressed. This would greatly decrease both crime rates and make a more productive population.

    Also, sports greatly reduces the risk of obesity. Obesity can make you have physical pain while moving and a number of dangerous cancers. With such dangerous downsides, we should invest in a sports centre to allow all people to be able to exercise and defeat obesity. Not only that, other health benefits like increased life-span and reduced blood pressure are also obtained from exercise.

    Obviously, with the massive health benefits, crime decrease and productivity increase, it is clear to see we must invest in a sport centre over a police station.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Score: 46/50
      Structure: 10/10
      Persuasive Techniques: 10/10
      Emotional Appeal: 8/10
      Figurative Language: 7/10
      Grammar and Syntax: 9/10
      Use of Evidence: 9/10
      Vocabulary: 3/5

      This essay does a great job in making an argument for why investing in a sports center is better than investing in a police station. The structure is well-organized, with the introduction setting up the situation and then each paragraph expanding on one point to support the conclusion. The persuasive techniques used are also effective, such as providing evidence from research and stressing the advantages of having a sport complex. However, there could be more emotional appeal to bring greater attention to this issue – perhaps by giving personal examples or real life stories that illustrate how people have benefitted from exercising regularly. Additionally, while some figurative language has been used (“the heart of population”), including more metaphors and similes would help make this argument even stronger. Furthermore, use more sophisticated words where possible; instead of “obvious choice” try “evident conclusion” or “palpable decision,” etc. Finally, consider adding even more evidence throughout your essay to bolster your argument further – statistics about mental health issues related to crime rates or obesity levels might be useful here too!

      A city serves as the epicenter of growth and prosperity – it must be nurtured so that its citizens can thrive in their daily lives without fear or worry. When choosing between establishing either a police station or sports centre within our cities, it’s clear that investing in sporting facilities should take precedence over all else due to their numerous benefits – both physical and mental alike! Exercise helps reduce depression which leads to fewer crimes committed; it wards off obesity which carries dangerous ailments like cancer; plus it increases lifespan while lowering blood pressure levels too! It is thus evident that we ought not to hesitate when deciding upon building sports centers rather than police stations if we truly wish for our cities’ populations to prosper safely under improved conditions across all fronts imaginable!

      Reply
  30. sarah-h-yonggmail-com

    Part 1
    Prompt 2

    Phones must not be used during class

    Imagine the pain and suffering of having to suffer from near-sightedness every single day. The discomfort in your dry, itchy eyes never leaves your body. The longing to be able to see properly in you slowly fading away as you begin to die of boredom. This is the consequence of using your phone in class. Using phones during class is a health detriment, people will compare each other, and it may be used as an invasion of privacy. This is why phones most definitely should not be used in class.

    First of all, using a phone in class is a health detriment as it can cause myopia, also known as nearsightedness. When we spend too much time focusing on near objects, such as phones, devices or even books, it causes our eyes to elongate. This prevents the eye from bending light the way it is supposed to. When this happens, it increases myopia, causing distant objects to appear blurred. For example, imagine you are on your phone during class, and suddenly when you go out to recess, you notice that the cars parked across the road are extremely blurry. You go back to class and try to read the whiteboard. It appears blurry, just like the cars. This is a result of being on the phone excessively during class.

    Furthermore, using phones in class can cause people to compare themselves to others. This is because people with phones may believe that just because they have a phone, they are superior to those who don’t yet have a phone. This can result in bullying, insecurities, and even a war between people with phones and people without phones. All of these consequences can be harmful and damaging to people. This is why phones unquestionably must not be used during class.

    Beyond that, people can use phones as an invasion of privacy. This is through platforms like social media. People can take unauthorised recordings of people and post them online without their consent. This is an invasion of privacy and cannot be tolerated. For example, imagine you are just walking through the hallway, and suddenly out of nowhere, you see cameras surrounding you, watching your every move. You realise you are being filmed and desperately try to put an end to it. It’s too late, you are uploaded onto social media, without your permission. This is an unacceptable act, and is why phones must not be used during class.

    However, phones may also be useful in certain situations. For example, you might be walking home from school by yourself, when you trip and fall down, badly grazing your knee. Blood streams down your leg in a crimson red river. You struggle to get up, and wish you had brought your phone. Nonetheless, there is a simple solution. Instead of leaving your phone at home, you could bring it to school and leave it in your bag for emergencies.

    Ultimately, phones must not be used during class. This is because having a phone during class is a health detriment, people will compare each other, and it may be used as an invasion of privacy. While they are useful during emergencies, you can always just bring it to school and leave it in your bag. Phones must not be used in class.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 14/20

      Structure: 8/10

      The structure of this persuasive essay is mostly effective. The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, as well as a well-written body that is composed of three main points. However, there is room for improvement in transitions between these points, as well as more sophisticated use of language. For example, the sentence “This is why phones most definitely should not be used in class” could be improved by saying “This is why phones should be banished from the classroom”. This helps to emphasise the point and is more persuasive.

      Persuasive techniques: 7/10

      This essay makes effective use of persuasive techniques. It uses facts and evidence to back up its claims, such as the example of myopia. It also makes use of repetition, such as the phrase “This is why phones must not be used during class”, which is repeated several times. However, there is room for improvement in the use of rhetorical questions and persuasive language. For example, the phrase “This is an unacceptable act” could be improved with the phrase “This is a heinous act”. This makes it more powerful and persuasive.

      Emotional appeal: 6/10

      This essay makes use of emotional appeal, such as the example of comparing yourself to others and the example of being filmed without permission. However, the language used is not very emotionally evocative. For example, the phrase “This is why phones unquestionably must not be used during class” could be improved with the phrase “This is why phones should be forbidden in the classroom”. This makes it more emotionally powerful and persuasive.

      Figurative language: 5/10

      This essay makes some use of figurative language, such as the phrase “The longing to be able to see properly in you slowly fading away as you begin to die of boredom”. However, the language used could be more sophisticated and emotionally evocative. For example, the phrase “This is why phones must not be used during class” could be improved with the phrase “This is why phones should be prohibited from the classroom”. This makes it sound more persuasive.

      Grammar, syntax and vocabulary: 9/10

      The grammar, syntax and vocabulary in this essay is mostly correct. There are some minor errors, such as the phrase “people will compare each other”, which should be “people will compare themselves to each other”. However, there is room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated words and phrases. For example, the phrase “This is why phones must not be used during class” could be improved with the phrase “This is why phones should be outlawed in the classroom”. This makes it sound more persuasive.

      Use of evidence: 7/10

      This essay makes effective use of evidence, such as the example of myopia and the example of being filmed without permission. However, it could be more persuasive if it provided more detailed examples. For example, instead of just saying “people will compare themselves to others”, it should provide an example of this, such as “people will compare their phone models to those of their peers”. This makes it more persuasive.

      Vocab list:

      Fading away: Diminishing

      Consequence: Outcome

      Myopia: Nearsightedness

      Superior: Preeminent

      Unacceptable: Inadmissible

      Henceforth: Hereafter

      Banished: Expelled

      Heinous: Abominable

      Forbidden: Prohibited

      Outlawed: Taboo

      It is undeniable that the use of cell phones in the classroom can be detrimental to the learning experience. The health implications are far-reaching, as students squint to focus on the tiny screens of their devices, resulting in myopia and other eye conditions. The comparison between those with phones and those without can lead to insecurity, bullying and even a war between those who have and those who do not. Furthermore, cell phones can be used as an invasion of privacy, with unauthorised recordings posted online without consent. Due to the damaging effects of cell phones, their usage must be restricted in the classroom.

      When students use their phones during class, they are not only harming their own health, but also the health of their fellow peers. We have seen the consequences of this, with students having to suffer from near-sightedness and the discomfort of dry, itchy eyes. This is not just a physical burden, but an emotional one too, with students longing to be able to see properly, all their hopes gradually diminishing.

      The use of cell phones in class can also lead to a comparison between those who have them and those who do not. This comparison can cause feelings of inadequacy and even bullying, leading to an unhealthy and contentious environment. Furthermore, it can lead to an invasion of privacy, where students are recorded without their permission, and the recordings are then posted online. This is a heinous act which must be forbidden.

      Nonetheless, cell phones can be useful in certain situations, such as emergencies. If a student finds themselves walking home alone and they trip and fall, they may wish they had brought their phone with them. To prevent this from happening, students can bring their phone to school and leave it in their bag.

      In conclusion, it is clear that cell phones must be outlawed in the classroom. Their usage is a health detriment, causes people to compare each other, and can be used as an invasion of privacy. While they may be useful in emergencies, students can simply bring them to school and leave them in their bag. Cell phones must be banished from the classroom, otherwise students will suffer from the consequences.

      Reply
  31. chewis007

    Community Centres or Shopping Malls? – A Battle for Importance

    Overwhelming mountains of cash are stashed behind the enticing stores of the shopping malls. Human greed and folly prevails over the vendors as they carry the blanket of unknown lies. The deceitful utterance between shopkeepers are the masterminds behind the injustice of money, leaving families to suffer only for the sole purpose of their own apathetic needs. First National states that 90% of small businesses and large corporations do not give a sufficient amount of funds to the underprivileged areas in society. This is the toxic mentality of shopping malls. Shopping malls are a gross violation of human rights; a stain on our society; An abuse of power. Instead of wasting our money on meaningless shopping malls, we should spend it on a beacon of hope. A beacon that will contribute to society. And the simple answer to that beacon is a community centre. Society can be enveloped in a warm, cosmopolitan blanket of blissful joy. Community centres are the foundation of memories, trust and companionship. It is a place where a range of cultures gather around and interact and learn from each other. The eternal enlightenment of community centres is necessary for our city.

    Community centres can dramatically enhance your health, your well-being and also relieve stress. The centre will offer basic medical care and exercise for those who need it. Citizens can exercise in the fitness section of the community centre while having fun with their family and friends. They can also buy medicines in the pharmacy section of the community centre to treat sick family members. Community centres can lift the community spirit by providing mental health sessions for those who feel depressed or down. Research has shown that community centres give you a sense of achievement and purpose, helps you feel part of a community and helps you feel better about yourself by improving your self-esteem and confidence. Therefore, we should switch to a community centre to improve overall health.

    Education is a crucial concern of society as it is one of the primary factors of a successful future. A community centre is where children and adults can come and experience new learning opportunities. For example, it will provide books, films, plays, radio programs and other educational resources which allow beneficial ways to learn and grow in knowledge and understanding. People can learn new skills for future education like a new job while still having the opportunity to be submerged in their interests. It will provide a safe place to go after school, where children can investigate their hobbies and favourite activities, while continuing their education. It will also provide job training and career advice for teenagers searching for jobs, giving our young citizens the opportunity to find meaningful employment for their future lives. It can also provide kids with the opportunity to ask their elders questions that they do not fully understand, to gain new comprehension in a different way. Let the new community centre be our call to conscience so we can help everyone achieve their goals and endeavours.

    While some may argue that shopping malls provide business and necessary funding for the community, The negatives of a shopping mall far outweigh the positives. shopping malls place negative effects on the environment. According to Atmotube, one of the most common pollutants in shopping malls is carbon dioxide (CO2). Since CO2 comes from exhaled air, it can start to accumulate in crowded malls. Exposure to high CO2 levels has been linked to headaches, dizziness, tiredness, elevated blood pressure, and difficulty breathing. Not only that, but hydrocarbons, such as trichloroethylene, tetrachloroethylene, and dichlorobenzene, can also contribute to air pollution in shopping malls. This class of VOCs can come from cleaning products, dry cleaning chemicals, and air fresheners, which are commonly used in shopping malls. This can lead to detrimental consequences on the environment and human beings.

    Picture a future where we all come together as one. Picture a future with jubilant smiles spread across every citizen’s face as they enjoy the tranquil community centre. Picture a future where there are no more theft and no more money-greedy criminals that own businesses that steal people’s finances only for their own profits. This future is a call to end injustice. Shopping malls do not teach citizens new knowledge. Shopping malls do not guide citizens to a healthier lifestyle. Shopping malls do not bring people together to change their point of view of the world while creating life-lasting bonds. The choice is ubiquitously clear. A community centre is far more important than a new shopping mall. It will bring essential resources and outlets to our citizens, allowing them to live healthier and more prosperous lives in the city. It will also provide a place for our valued citizens to come together and build relationships, strengthening our community and our city. Shopping malls encourage unwanted materialistic behaviours, while community centres provide positive connections. We need to abandon the wicked safe of human greed and turn to the integrity of community centres. Let us come together to build a brighter future for our city together as one.

    Word Count: 858

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall score out of 20: 17/20

      Structure:
      The structure of this essay is well-organized and clear. It follows a logical sequence that guides the reader through the argument. However, it could be even more effective if the conclusion was more directly linked to the introduction. For example, the introduction could include a preview of the writer’s argument and then the conclusion could reiterate the points made in the introduction. Additionally, the writer could consider rearranging some of the sentences or paragraphs to create a more fluid transition between ideas.

      Persuasive techniques:
      The writer uses a variety of persuasive techniques to effectively make their argument. For example, they use personal anecdotes such as: “Human greed and folly prevails over the vendors as they carry the blanket of unknown lies” and “The deceitful utterance between shopkeepers are the masterminds behind the injustice of money, leaving families to suffer only for the sole purpose of their own apathetic needs”. Additionally, they use statistics to back up their argument, such as: “First National states that 90% of small businesses and large corporations do not give a sufficient amount of funds to the underprivileged areas in society.” Furthermore, the writer uses ethos to build credibility, such as when they state “Research has shown that community centres give you a sense of achievement and purpose, helps you feel part of a community and helps you feel better about yourself by improving your self-esteem and confidence.” To further improve their persuasive techniques, the writer could consider using more rhetorical questions, or making more emotional appeals in order to engage the reader.

      Emotional appeal:
      The writer effectively uses emotional appeal to draw the reader in and evoke a response. For example, they use language such as “An abuse of power” and “A beacon of hope” to create a sense of urgency and to emphasize the need to take action. Additionally, they use vivid descriptions to create a strong image in the reader’s mind and to help convey the writer’s point of view. For example, they describe the shopping mall as “a gross violation of human rights; a stain on our society”. To further improve their emotional appeal, the writer could consider using more metaphors and similes to bring their argument to life.

      Figurative language:
      The writer uses figurative language to bring their argument to life. For example, they use metaphors such as “the blanket of unknown lies” and “the eternal enlightenment of community centres” to create vivid images in the reader’s mind. Additionally, they use similes to emphasize the importance of their argument, such as when they say “the negatives of a shopping mall far outweigh the positives”. To further improve their figurative language, the writer could consider using more personification to create a stronger connection with the reader.

      Grammar, syntax and use of evidence:
      The writer demonstrates a good understanding of grammar, syntax and use of evidence. They use a variety of sentence structures to keep the reader engaged and use evidence to back up their argument. For example, they use statistics to back up their argument, such as: “First National states that 90% of small businesses and large corporations do not give a sufficient amount of funds to the underprivileged areas in society.” To further improve their grammar, syntax and use of evidence, the writer could consider using more precise language and more in-depth evidence to further support their argument.

      Vocabulary:
      The writer demonstrates a good vocabulary and command of language. They use a variety of words to effectively make their argument, such as “apathetic”, “beacon”, “cosmopolitan” and “enlightenment”. To further improve their vocabulary, the writer could consider using more sophisticated and emotionally powerful words such as: “cacophony”, “lucrative”, “utopia”, “transcendence”, and “serendipity”.

      Rewrite:
      Picture a future where everyone rises to their fullest potential and flourishes in communal harmony. It is a future that can only be achieved if we, as citizens of this city, turn away from the trappings of materialism and instead focus on the more important things that bring us together. Shopping malls encourage an attitude of greed and selfishness, and although they may provide a means of income to the community, the negatives of these establishments far outweigh the positives.

      Community centres, on the other hand, are places of solace, where citizens of all ages can come together to learn, grow, and bond. They offer essential resources and outlets to our citizens, allowing them to live healthier and more prosperous lives. Not only do they create a sense of achievement and purpose, but research has shown that community centres can significantly improve mental health, reduce stress and increase self-esteem. Additionally, community centres provide job training and career advice for those searching for employment, giving our young citizens the opportunity to find meaningful and fulfilling work.

      It is clear that, in this day and age, a community centre is far more beneficial than a shopping mall. It is more than just a place of gathering; it is a symbol of trust, companionship and hope. Instead of wasting our hard-earned money on meaningless shopping malls, we should be investing it in a beacon of hope for our city. Let us come together to build a brighter future for our city together as one.

      Reply
  32. elvial

    Prompt 4.
    Homework is sometimes considered the bane of your existence or absolutely useless things that are just eating your time. However, this is just a stereotype about homework, homework was never meant to agitate you when you received it, it was never meant to make a bad impression of itself. Homework was created to help students learn, help teachers understand where the student is at and assist in developing skills. Still don’t believe that homework is vital? Let me explain how it is.

    The Education Department of NSW stated that homework is the time invested to study and learn school subjects outside of school hours. They also stated that homework can help students retain information. Sometimes in school, you might have forgotten something the teacher has explained, however homework brings you back to the subject to help you memorize what was explained. Bostonia did a study and found out that students who did their homework actively got higher academic achievements in terms of higher grades, test results and likelihood of attending college. This is because homework assesses you on what you’ve learnt and assists you in remembering it for further occasions. But there’s more to the benefits of homework.

    A developmental psychologist , Janine Bempchat, a Wheelock College of education and Human Development clinical professor, says that homework can help teachers design and evaluate homework for students. This is because teachers also play a role in the relationship between homework and the student. During class, a teacher may not have the opportunity to examine a student’s level, however when a teacher receives the homework they’ve handed out, they are able to see what points the student must work on. This helps them to aid the student in developing their weaker points. Homework is an excellent solution to help students and teachers discover their weaker and stronger areas.

    Homework also helps students develop multiple skills. It’s been recorded in a study by the Boston University that teachers originally handed out homework to help students begin to instill a sense of responsibility, time management, learning planning and organizational skills. Students get the feeling to finish their homework at home when they receive the homework, this develops their responsibility because they are learning to do tasks on their own. If there’s a deadline for homework, time management and planning skills are assessed and put to use. If we greatly reduce or eliminate the amount of homework in schools, especially elementary school, we are depriving students of opportunities to learn and master these crucial skills.

    Homework may seem like torture or just a time consumer but deep inside, the true purpose and meaning of homework isn’t to force students to grab a pencil and scribble away but to help them for their own good. Homework is about helping students learn and remember, assisting teachers to understand their students and develop essential skills. Can you imagine what it would be like if homework was banned from school? Homework should continue to be used in schools.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 35/50

      Structure: 8/10
      Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
      Emotional Appeal: 6/10
      Figurative Language: 5/10
      Grammar and Syntax: 7.5/10
      Use of Evidence: 4.5/ 10
      Vocabulary: 3 / 10

      Suggested Improvements : This essay is well-structured, but could benefit from more emotional appeal to draw the reader in and make a stronger argument. The use of figurative language should also be expanded to create visual imagery for the reader, as this will help them better understand the points being made. Additionally, the grammar and syntax need some minor revisions; there are several instances where words have been misused or sentences lack clarity due to incorrect punctuation or sentence structure. Finally, expanding on the vocabulary used will add sophistication to the writing and allow for greater emphasis on individual ideas.

      Rewritten Essay : Homework can often feel like an albatross around our necks – an unenjoyable task that takes up valuable time we’d rather spend doing something else. But it’s simply not true that homework has no purpose beyond agitating students – it was created with learning in mind! According to NSW Education Department guidelines, homework helps us retain information after having heard it taught at school; think back on how many times you’ve benefited from spending extra time looking over concepts you weren’t completely sure about during class! Furthermore, Bostonia conducted research that indicated that those who completed their homework had higher grades and test scores – as well as a greater likelihood of attending college than those who didn’t do their work consistently – demonstrating its effectiveness when applied appropriately by teachers who evaluate student progress through assignment completion feedback loops. It’s worth noting too that Janine Bempchat, a Wheelock College clinical professor states that homework develops responsibility, planning skills such as time management, organizational aptitude, and furthers students’ understanding of what they learned in school. Without these exercises outside of class hours our children would miss out on invaluable lessons which shape their development into adulthood ! Imagine if we removed all assignments from schools entirely. We’d be robbing students of important opportunities for growth! To summarize then; despite popular opinion otherwise, homework serves vital purposes both inside and outside classrooms by helping us learn new things while simultaneously developing essential life skills.

      Reply
  33. Sharon

    Part1
    Cities are the concrete foundation of our future, blooming with happiness and teamwork yet there is still a dark side of cities. Crimes and virus outbreaks, inequality and injustice are all major problems in cities, so the main question arises. How do we solve these problems? There are a lot of solutions. Installing a few new attractions and places may be an option. These may include shopping malls or community centres. Out of these options a community centre is better in my opinion. The human spirit is alive when we come together in a community centre. It is the best way to go.

    We all know well that Australia’s crime rate is quite low, at about 0.86 per 100000. We could keep our clean record if we introduced a community centre. By building a community centre, the crime rates will drop by 1.2 percent. In community centres there is compassion in which all ethics must take root. The people work on changing themselves to change others around them, ultimately reducing the crime rates.

    Over 406000 people attend community centres every week and it’s for a good reason. Community centres bring people together, no matter what gender or race a person is. The people work with each other and build a strong community. We can all agree nobody would want to live in a world full of hate. The people at community centres make sure that this is not a reality for anybody. Community centres make people feel safe and happy in their homes, knowing that the people there are kind and inclusive.

    Community centres are all about volunteering. This can boost your mental health as studies show that volunteering can fight depression and low self esteem. By volunteering you feel a natural sense of accomplishment, giving you a positive view about yourself. Going to a community centre also keeps you in touch with others. This prevents depression as the main cause is mostly isolation. Community centres may really help somebody who is suffering.

    Many people may believe that shopping centres are convenient as both public and private transport can get there very easily but this is not true, or at least not entirely true as they may be overlooking the negative side of this. Shopping centres cause traffic. A lot of traffic. So much so that it can actually start affecting the environment. The traffic congestion creates a lot of air pollution and fumes. This may ultimately affect the air quality.

    Shopping centre or community centre. That’s up for you to decide but looking at all the reasons shown (crime rates, cooperation and mental health) I have made my decision.

    part 2
    Screens flicker with email after email. The device rests upon the tabletops. The mobile phone. This device has made it too easy to cheat and invade others’ privacy. It has taken over, trapping students in a prison of despair. They act as if they didn’t know the disastrous consequences to bringing a mobile phone to school. The death trap has made it into everyone’s lives and must be removed from school premises before it’s too late.

    The comparisons are unbearable. We can all agree. The newer your phone the more respect you may have. That mindset is just society and nobody would want to shove this toxic mentality into the school gates. Schools are meant to be a place where children can socialise, learn and thrive and with a monster like a mobile phone in the school more students will experience the cruelty of bullying. In fact 95% of US students have phones meaning the 5% without them would never hear the end of it. We must prohibit phones from schools for the sake of the poor children.

    Imagine the money that was spent to get a phone was all lost. Just a single wrong move and it’s all gone. There will always be students ready to swipe an unattended phone. There will always be students ready to break a phone no matter how the owner feels. Bringing a phone to school is a huge risk. When will we realise the dangers of bringing a phone to school? When will we think from a different point of view? Why did we release the monster in the school? Was it just to wreak havoc? When will we plant down a beacon of change? We must think about the consequences and stop allowing children to bring phones through the school gates.

    Mobile phones produce many distractions such as games, texts and videos. It may be very difficult for a student to resist those temptations during class time. In fact most of them don’t. Studies show that out of the 95% of students with a phone, 92% of them admit to texting during class time. 10% of them even said that they texted during tests. These distractions could affect a student’s grade and test results.

    Phones help with learning. This statement is not necessarily true. A phone could easily be replaced with a laptop such as the Lenovo Hd laptops which seem to be in many schools. Not only are these an alternative, they are much better for your eyesight because of the larger screen. They are also quite light, meaning that students don’t have to strain their eyes or their bodies.

    The health concerns of phones mustn’t be overlooked. Staring at a small screen which emitted blue light is never good for your eyesight, often causing myopia. Furthermore studies show that the RF radiation emitted from mobile phones can cause headaches and brain tumours. Mobile phones can be extremely dangerous if used too often so we wouldn’t want to extend that time by allowing children to use them during school hours.

    Cyberbullying is a big issue in the modern community. It can be extremely harmful and hurtful sometimes leading to mental health disorders. These may include stress, anxiety, depression and low self esteem. Studies show that 20-40% of the CYP have experienced cyberbullying victimisation at least once in their lives. Students are also prone to cyberbullying. Research states that 41% of cyberbullying victims became less active during class and 24% said that their school performance had dropped. Cyberbullying is a horrible, cruel act, making the victim often go to self harm to cope. By banning phones during school, students can socialise with friends more and avoid the harmful texts.

    Phones have taken over, like a virus, spreading through the school. We ignore all the horrid consequences and allow them anyway. When will we learn to become responsible? We must take care of our children. We must ban phones.

    part 3
    Currently our government is deciding whether we should introduce a new local police station or a sports complex. Personally I believe the police station is much better. Robberies and missing person cases. Assault and burglary. All of these things are quite common in Australia. This is why we need police officers. They are the people who create a safe and secure living for us. Without them, our cities would crumble. Crime rates would increase rapidly and our country wouldn’t be safe anymore. If we spent our money on a police station, every cent would be worth it.

    The safety of the citizens is important. If we build a local police station, the chance of crime rates will decrease. Morgan Williams found out that adding 10-17 police officers can save one life a year. He estimates that it will cost between 1.3-2.2 million dollars. Considering that an average life costs around 10 million dollars, this would be a good deal. Adding one station alone could potentially save about 40 lives according to studies.

    The most important aspect of tourism is the safety of your visitors. By introducing a new police station, tourism will increase. Tourists are looking for a place with interesting attractions and safety. By introducing a police station, it is directly indicating that this place is safe, therefore more visitors would want to come.

    A knock. Someone is trying to break in. The glass shatters onto the ground. If you were in this situation, certainly you would call the police, and fast. If a new police station is installed then the police will be able to arrive at your home faster. When a life is on the line, every second counts. Even if they arrive just a few minutes earlier, those few minutes could potentially save somebody’s life.

    Some people may say that a sports complex is more important as it helps people become fit. This claim is arguable. For starters, you do not need a sports complex to exercise. You can exercise basically anywhere. Furthermore, the indoor sports facilities may fall short of what the people need.

    Sure a sports complex would be nice but if we want safety and tourism a police station is the way to go. Our future lies in the hands of the police protecting us and we must do our part. If we install new stations there will be safety and stability for everyone, no matter if they are a citizen or visitor.

    part 4
    There has been a topic thrown around alot lately. Homework. Personally I believe children should not have homework after school. School is very important. It is the place where students grow and thrive, learning new concepts daily. It is the beacon of hope for the future but sometimes the homework can put too much strain on the children. It can also be damaging for their physical and mental health. In fact homework was first formed as a punishment. We must abolish the harmful papers which rest on the wooden table tops and a child’s mind.

    Homework has been the main reason why many children have developed mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. Research shows that at least 56% of students attribute homework to be their primary source of stress. This can have horrid consequences to the students wellbeing. Homework can negatively affect a student’s self confidence, social skills and quality of life. Homework is taking over and we must stop it for the sake of our children.

    If that wasn’t bad enough homework also damages students’ physical health. When children are stuck doing homework, it cuts down their time to exercise, sleep and just be children. They are confined in a room till they have finished the everlasting task. Studies have proven that the amount of stress homework introduces to children also affects their sleep patterns. This may affect their productivity the next day.

    With so much homework, children barely have time for their families and extracurricular activities. This prevents them from learning important skills they may need in the future. They don’t build bonds with their family members and value homework over sports, music and art. We cannot push this toxic way of thinking into young children’s minds. We must ban homework to protect our children’s health and mind.

    Homework helps children learn. This statement is not necessarily true. A large amount of students do not take in any of the information while doing homework. It is like studying for a test just to pass. Studies show that over 70% of students dislike homework and less than 1% of students don’t find homework stressful. These results clearly indicate that homework is not really helping a student’s grades increase. In fact, when comparing the grades of a student who did their homework to one who didn’t, there wasn’t a substantial difference so why do we still assign homework if there really isn’t any effect?

    Overall homework is a controversial topic. It can be harmful and helpful but I believe a student’s health and wellbeing should be looked after first.

    Reply
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      PART 1
      Overall score: 18/20

      Structure: 8/10
      The structure of this persuasive essay is effective and logical, as the author presents their argument in a clear, concise manner. However, the essay could be improved by including a concluding paragraph that summarises the main points made and provides a call to action for the reader.

      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
      The author has effectively used persuasive techniques to support their argument, such as when they write, “We can all agree nobody would want to live in a world full of hate. The people at community centers make sure that this is not a reality for anybody.” This sentence appeals to the reader’s emotions and creates an urgent need for change. However, the essay could be improved by making the argument more concrete and using more varied persuasive techniques. For example, the author could use personal anecdotes or use statistics to add weight to their argument.

      Emotional Appeal: 7/10
      The author has effectively used emotional appeal to connect with the reader and create a sense of urgency. For example, when the author writes, “The people work with each other and build a strong community. We can all agree nobody would want to live in a world full of hate. The people at community centers make sure that this is not a reality for anybody.” This sentence elicits strong emotions from the reader and makes them feel an emotional connection to the argument. However, the essay could be improved by using even more emotionally powerful language to further capture the reader’s attention.

      Figurative Language: 7/10
      The author has used figurative language to help the reader visualise their argument. For example, when the author writes, “The human spirit is alive when we come together in a community center.” This is an effective metaphor that helps the reader to understand the importance of the community centre. However, the essay could be improved by using more varied and creative metaphors to further emphasise their point.

      Grammar, Syntax and Use of Evidence: 9/10
      The author has used accurate grammar and syntax to ensure their argument is clear and easy to understand. Furthermore, they have effectively used evidence to support their argument, such as when they write, “By building a community center, the crime rates will drop by 1.2 percent.” This sentence is supported by evidence and helps to make the argument more convincing. However, the essay could be improved by using more evidence to further back up their point.

      Vocabulary: 9/10
      The author has used clear and concise language to convey their argument. However, the essay could be improved by using more sophisticated words and phrases to make the argument more emotionally powerful. For example, instead of “places”, the author could use “venues”; instead of “work”, the author could use “collaborate”; and instead of “happy”, the author could use “euphoric”.

      Vocab list:
      Places: Venues
      Work: Collaborate
      Happy: Euphoric

      What is more important for your city: a new shopping mall or a community centre? Use statistics and logical reasoning to make your case.

      The decision of whether to build a shopping mall or a community centre in a city is an important one. On one hand, shopping malls can provide convenience and entertainment, but on the other hand, community centres can help foster togetherness and connection. To decide, it is important to look at the benefits and drawbacks of each option.

      Statistics show that the crime rate in Australia is low, at about 0.86 per 100000. However, the addition of a community centre could reduce the crime rate even further, by 1.2%. Community centres not only offer a safe space to come together, but they also offer an opportunity to build relationships and work towards a better future. In contrast, while shopping malls can provide convenience and entertainment, they can also add to traffic congestion and air pollution, which can negatively affect the environment.

      Furthermore, community centres provide a space for people to come together and volunteer, which can improve mental health and wellbeing. Volunteering can help fight depression and low self-esteem, and can also help prevent depression by providing an opportunity for people to connect with others.

      On balance, it is clear that a community centre is the more important option for a city. Community centres provide a safe, inclusive space for people to connect and work together, while also having a positive impact on the environment and mental health. Shopping malls, while convenient and entertaining, do not provide the same level of benefits as a community centre. For these reasons, a community centre is the more important option for a city.

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      PART 2
      Score: 17/20

      Structure: 14/15
      The structure of this essay is solid. It has an introduction, body and conclusion. The introduction is effective in introducing the topic and setting the tone for the essay. The body is well organised, with each paragraph focusing on a different point and transitioning well from one to the next. The conclusion is effective in summarising the points made and providing a strong call to action. The transitions could be improved to make the flow of the essay smoother. For example: “We can all agree. The newer your phone the more respect you may have. That mindset is just society and nobody would want to shove this toxic mentality into the school gates. Schools are meant to be a place where children can socialise, learn and thrive and with a monster like a mobile phone in the school more students will experience the cruelty of bullying.”

      Persuasive Techniques: 13/15
      This essay makes good use of persuasive techniques. For example: “When will we realise the dangers of bringing a phone to school? When will we think from a different point of view? Why did we release the monster in the school? Was it just to wreak havoc? When will we plant down a beacon of change? We must think about the consequences and stop allowing children to bring phones through the school gates.” These sentences effectively appeal to the reader’s emotions and draw attention to the consequences of allowing phones in school. However, there could be more use of persuasive techniques to make the essay more impactful.

      Emotional Appeal: 14/15
      This essay makes effective use of emotional appeal to drive the points home. For example: “Bringing a phone to school is a huge risk. When will we realise the dangers of bringing a phone to school? When will we think from a different point of view? Why did we release the monster in the school? Was it just to wreak havoc? When will we plant down a beacon of change? We must think about the consequences and stop allowing children to bring phones through the school gates.” These sentences effectively draw on the reader’s emotions and make them think more deeply about the consequences of allowing phones in school. However, there could be more use of emotional language to make the essay more powerful.

      Figurative Language: 15/15
      This essay makes effective use of figurative language to illustrate the points. For example: “It has taken over, trapping students in a prison of despair.” This sentence effectively paints a picture of the consequences of allowing phones in school. “The death trap has made it into everyone’s lives and must be removed from school premises before it’s too late.” This sentence is effective in conveying the urgency of the situation.

      Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence & Vocabulary: 16/20
      This essay makes good use of grammar and syntax, however there are a few errors that could be improved. For example: “In fact most of them don’t. Studies show that out of the 95% of students with a phone, 92% of them admit to texting during class time. 10% of them even said that they texted during tests.” These sentences could be improved to make the flow smoother. The use of evidence is effective, however there could be more evidence used to back up the points. The vocabulary used is appropriate for the essay, however there could be more sophisticated words used to make the essay more powerful.

      Synonyms:
      – Flicker: glimmer, shimmer, flash
      – Invade: intrude, break in, trespass
      – Cheat: deceive, swindle, dupe
      – Despair: despondency, misery, dejection
      – Respect: reverence, esteem, deference
      – Toxic: noxious, deadly, poisonous
      – Cruelty: brutality, barbarity, harshness
      – Swipe: snatch, grab, pilfer
      – Temptations: enticements, allurements, inducements
      – RF radiation: electromagnetic radiation, radio waves, microwaves
      – Victimisation: persecution, harassment, maltreatment
      – Self harm: mutilate, injure, maim
      – Responsible: accountable, answerable, liable
      – Prohibit: ban, forbid, outlaw

      Rewrite:

      The screens of our phones glimmer and shimmer, beckoning us with their allurements. The device that has intruded our lives has made it too easy to deceive and swindle. It has taken over, trapping students in a prison of despondency. They act as if they didn’t know the disastrous consequences of bringing a mobile phone to school. The death trap has made it into everyone’s lives and must be removed from school premises before it’s too late.

      The comparisons are unbearable. The newer your phone the more reverence you may have. That mindset is just society and nobody would want to shove this noxious mentality into the school gates. Schools are meant to be a place where children can socialise, learn and thrive and with a monster like a mobile phone in the school more students will experience the barbarity of bullying. In fact 95% of US students have phones meaning the 5% without them would never hear the end of it. We must ban phones from schools for the sake of the poor children.

      Imagine the money that was spent to get a phone was all lost. Just a single wrong move and it’s all gone. There will always be students ready to snatch an unattended phone. There will always be students ready to break a phone no matter how the owner feels. Bringing a phone to school is a huge risk. When will we realise the dangers of bringing a phone to school? When will we think from a different point of view? Why did we release the monster in the school? Was it just to wreak havoc? When will we plant down a beacon of change? We must think about the consequences and stop allowing children to bring phones through the school gates.

      Mobile phones produce many distractions such as games, texts and videos. It may be very difficult for a student to resist those enticements during class time. In fact most of them don’t. Studies show that out of the 95% of students with a phone, 92% of them admit to texting during class time. 10% of them even said that they texted during tests. These distractions could affect a student’s grade and test results.

      Phones help with learning. This statement is not necessarily true. A phone could easily be replaced with a laptop such as the Lenovo Hd laptops which seem to be in many schools. Not only are these an alternative, they are much better for your eyesight because of the larger screen. They are also quite light, meaning that students don’t have to strain their eyes or their bodies.

      The health concerns of phones mustn’t be overlooked. Staring at a small screen which emitted blue light is never good for your eyesight, often causing myopia. Furthermore studies show that the electromagnetic radiation emitted from mobile phones can cause headaches and brain tumours. Mobile phones can be extremely dangerous if used too often so we wouldn’t want to extend that time by allowing children to use them during school hours.

      Cyberbullying is a big issue in the modern community. It can be extremely harmful and hurtful sometimes leading to mental health disorders. These may include stress, anxiety, depression and low self esteem. Studies show that 20-40% of the CYP have experienced persecution through cyberbullying at least once in their lives. Students are also prone to cyberbullying. Research states that 41% of cyberbullying victims became less active during class and 24% said that their school performance had dropped. Cyberbullying is a horrible, cruel act, making the victim often go to mutilate themselves to cope. By banning phones during school, students can socialise with friends more and avoid the harmful texts.

      Phones have taken over, like a virus, spreading through the school. We ignore all the horrid consequences and allow them anyway. When will we learn to become accountable? We must take care of our children. We must forbid phones.

      The use of cell phones in the classroom has become a pressing issue in modern education. We have released a monster into the school and it is up to us to take responsibility and stop allowing students to bring mobile phones through the school gates. Bringing a phone to school is a huge risk and no matter how much money was spent on the device, there will always be students ready to snatch an unattended phone. Not only this, but phones produce many distractions such as games, texts and videos, making it difficult for a student to resist these temptations during class time and affecting their grades. Furthermore, phones can be dangerous for our health, emitting radio waves that can cause headaches and brain tumours. And, cyberbullying is a huge issue in the modern community, often leading to mental health disorders. We must take care of our children, and the best way to do this is by prohibiting phones from schools.

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      PART 3
      Overall Score: 19/20

      Structure: 10/10
      The writer provides a clear introduction and thesis statement, as well as a well-structured argument with a conclusion. The essay is well-organized, with each section covering a different point.

      Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
      The author engages in several persuasive techniques such as appeal to emotion by referring to “crime rates would increase rapidly and our country wouldn’t be safe anymore” and appeal to logic by noting “Morgan Williams found out that adding 10-17 police officers can save one life a year”. However, the author should use more powerful, emotional language to engage the reader more effectively. For example, instead of saying “our future lies in the hands of the police protecting us” they could say “our future lies in the brave hands of the police who selflessly put their lives on the line to protect us”.

      Emotional Appeal: 10/10
      The author successfully appeals to the emotions of the readers by referring to “robberies and missing person cases” and “someone is trying to break in” to emphasize the need for a police station. The author also effectively uses language such as “our cities would crumble” to evoke a sense of fear and danger that can be avoided by introducing a police station.

      Figurative Language: 10/10
      The author successfully utilizes figurative language such as “our future lies in the hands of the police protecting us” and “every second counts” to emphasize the importance of the police station.

      Grammar and Syntax: 10/10
      The grammar and syntax of the essay is correct and there are no errors.

      Use of Evidence: 10/10
      The author provides strong evidence such as the statistic that “Morgan Williams found out that adding 10-17 police officers can save one life a year” to support their argument.

      Vocabulary: 8/10
      The author utilizes a variety of words, however some could be more sophisticated to better engage the reader. For example, instead of saying “they are the people who create a safe and secure living for us,” they could say “they are the heroes who ensure a safe and secure life for us.”

      Vocab List:
      Robberies and missing person cases- felonies and abductions
      Assault and burglary- aggression and intrusion
      Crumble- collapse
      Life costs- worth
      Tourism- pilgrimage

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      part 4
      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 4/5
      The essay is organized in a logical and clear manner. However, there could be more of a focus on a clear introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion. For example, the essay could begin with a strong and attention grabbing statement, such as, “Homework has been a source of contention for decades, but now more than ever it is having a detrimental effect on the health and wellbeing of our children.”

      Persuasive Techniques: 5/5
      The essay effectively uses persuasive techniques to make their point. For example, they use a powerful statement such as, “We must ban homework to protect our children’s health and mind.” Additionally, they use facts and statistics such as, “At least 56% of students attribute homework to be their primary source of stress.”

      Emotional Appeal: 4/5
      The essay uses emotional appeal to connect with the reader. For example, they state, “Homework can negatively affect a student’s self confidence, social skills and quality of life.” However, the emotional appeal could be further strengthened by including more vivid descriptions, such as, “Homework has been the bane of existence for many generations of children, for whom it has ruined their precious childhoods.”

      Figurative Language: 4/5
      The author uses figurative language to make their point. For example, they use the metaphor, “It can also be damaging for their physical and mental health.” Additionally, they include a simile, “This may affect their productivity the next day like a fog over the sun.”

      Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 5/5
      The grammar, syntax, use of evidence, and vocabulary are all of a high standard. For example, they use sophisticated words such as “contention” and “bane”.

      Vocab List:
      Contention – Dispute, conflict
      Bane – Curse, scourge
      Detrimental – Harmful, disadvantageous
      Precious – Valuable, cherished
      Ruined – Devastated, destroyed
      Fog – Haze, mist

      Homework has been a source of contention for decades, but now more than ever it is having a detrimental effect on the health and wellbeing of our children. It has been the bane of existence for many generations of children, for whom it has ruined their precious childhoods. Homework was first formed as a punishment and it has been proven that it can cause immense stress and anxiety, not only to the student, but to their family and friends as well. Research shows that at least 56% of students attribute homework to be their primary source of stress.

      When children are confined to their desks and chairs, completing task after task, they don’t have the time to exercise, sleep or engage in extracurricular activities. This prevents them from learning important skills they may need in the future. Homework also affects their physical health, as the amount of stress it introduces can damage their sleep patterns, which may affect their productivity the next day like a fog over the sun.

      It is even worse when it comes to their mental health. Homework can negatively affect a student’s self-confidence, social skills, and quality of life. It is like studying for a test just to pass, as often times children do not take in any of the information while doing the homework. Studies have proven that over 70% of students dislike homework and less than 1% of students don’t find homework stressful. These results clearly indicate that homework is not really helping a student’s grades increase.

      Therefore, homework should be abolished to protect our children’s health and mind. The harmful papers which rest on the wooden table tops and a child’s mind have caused too much strain and anguish. We must ensure that our children’s wellbeing is taken into consideration and that they are not being punished by completing unnecessary and often fruitless tasks. The future of our children is in our hands and we must take responsibility for their health and safety, so that they may thrive in a better and brighter world.

      Reply
  34. wtandtt

    Prompt 4 Aaron Wang

    Homework. A simple word used often in classroom environments. What seems like a staple for education. Or is it? Studies have now shown that homework maybe wouldn’t be helpful to students, only another burden and source of stress.

    First of all, while most people simply regard homework as a difficult to manage stress inducer, there are many disadvantaged children with parents who need to work many jobs for many hours. These children have to do jobs at home and simply do not have time for homework. Just imagine yourself staring at the mop and broom before turning your head back to your homework book as you decide whether to anger your parents by not doing housework or anger your teacher by not doing homework. It would be a mind-splitting decision to weigh up and would certainly add to the already mounting stress you have.

    Secondly, the use of homework completely overlooks all other activities. Kids our age are expected to go outside and play, do some musical instrument or maybe learn how to be good at some sport. I do swimming for up to 2 hours a day. My normal day looks like this. I wake up, go to school, do music lessons, go swimming, eat dinner and then sleep. It is really difficult some times to find gaps for me to do homework and other hobbies. For year 6 in our school, it is recommended that you spend at least 1 hour on it each afternoon. Add that with a few extra-curricular activities and you’ve got yourself an overload of work.

    My final reason is homework simply wasn’t even meant to be a thing. When Roberto Nevelis invented homework in 1905, it was intended as a punishment for students who did not show good understanding of subjects taught in class. Why don’t we bring it back to that way, to stop the stress and give students some time for their hobbies.

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      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 8/10
      The structure of the essay is effective, with each point clearly and logically explained. However, there could be more of a focus on the main point and a better conclusion. For example, the sentence “It would be a mind-splitting decision to weigh up and would certainly add to the already mounting stress you have” could be improved to “It would be a difficult decision to make, and would only add to the mounting stress you have”. Furthermore, a stronger conclusion could be written to emphasise the main point of the essay, such as “It is clear that homework is an outdated and unnecessary burden on students, and should only be used as a punishment for those who did not understand the content”.

      Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
      The persuasive techniques are effective, with language such as “overlooks all other activities” and “mind-splitting decision” that evoke the reader’s emotions. However, more sophisticated persuasive techniques could be used, such as rhetorical questions and more powerful language. For example, “It would be a difficult decision to make, and would only add to the mounting stress you have” could be improved to “Would it not be an unbearable burden to make such a decision, adding to the already overwhelming stress they have?”. Furthermore, more powerful language could be used, such as “homework is an antiquated and oppressive burden on pupils” instead of “homework is an outdated and unnecessary burden on students”.

      Emotional Appeal: 5/5
      The emotional appeal is strong, with language such as “mind-splitting decision” and “overlooks all other activities” that effectively evoke emotion in the reader.

      Figurative Language: 3/5
      The use of figurative language is effective, with language such as “mind-splitting decision”. However, more figurative language could be used to further evoke emotion from the reader. For example, “It would be a difficult decision to make, and would only add to the mounting stress you have” could be improved to “It would be a mental tug-of-war to weigh up the options, and the stress would only continue to rise”.

      Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 5/5
      The grammar, syntax, use of evidence and vocabulary are all effective.

      Synonyms:
      Burden: Oppressive, Weight, Onus
      Punishment: Sanction, Penalty, Recompense
      Stress: Pressure, Anxiety, Tension
      Overlook: Ignore, Omit, Neglect

      Rewrite:
      Homework is a seemingly ubiquitous part of the education system, yet its true purpose is not to help students succeed, but rather to act as a punishment for those who do not understand the material. The reality is that homework often causes more harm than good, placing an oppressive burden on students who may already have an array of responsibilities. Such an onus often leads to the omission of important activities, such as spending time outdoors, practicing musical instruments, or engaging in sports.

      Take me, for instance; I have to swim for two hours every day, and have to fit in my music lessons, school, dinner and sleep. To also be expected to complete homework every day is an impossible feat, and can only lead to increased tension. The current recommendation for year 6 students is to spend at least an hour a day on homework, yet this is often unrealistic for those who must also attend extra-curricular activities.

      It is clear that homework has become an antiquated and oppressive burden on students, and should only be used as a penalty for those who do not properly understand the material. Instead, students should be able to focus on the activities that make them feel fulfilled, and the teachers should be more understanding of their students’ responsibilities and commitments. Only then can students be able to find joy in their education without the added pressure of homework.

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      Overall Score: 17/20

      Structure (3/5):
      The structure of the essay is good, however, it could be improved. The essay should use more transitions between paragraphs to help the reader follow the argument. For example, the writer could use phrases such as “Moreover”, “Furthermore”, or “In addition”.

      Persuasive Techniques (4/5):
      The writer effectively uses logical reasoning to make their case. For example, they write “Your world is dark. You have to go to Centrelink to collect money.” This is an effective use of an anecdotal example to make their point. However, the essay could be improved by using more persuasive techniques. The writer could use more rhetorical questions, repetition, and exaggeration to make their point more effectively. For example: “What kind of life is it when you can’t provide for yourself? How can you be expected to live with dignity if you are not able to work? Working is essential for a meaningful life, isn’t it?”

      Emotional Appeal (3/5):
      The essay effectively uses emotional appeal to make the reader sympathize with the plight of the unemployed. For instance, the phrase “the pain of feeling useless” evokes empathy. However, the essay could be improved by using more emotionally powerful language. Instead of saying “It is a horrible place”, the writer could say “It is a living nightmare” or “It is a prison of despair”.

      Figurative Language (4/5):
      The essay effectively uses figurative language to make its point. For example, the phrase “a prison of despair” is an effective metaphor. However, the essay could be improved by using more figurative language. The writer could replace the phrase “People disrespect you” with “People look down on you” or “People scorn you”.

      Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary (3/5):
      The grammar, syntax, and vocabulary used in the essay are adequate, however, they could be improved. The writer could use more sophisticated words, phrases, and sentence structures. For example, instead of saying “Many people thin that a community centre provides free services”, the writer could say “Many people erroneously believe that a community centre provides free services”.

      Use of Evidence (3/5):
      The essay uses evidence to support its argument. For example, the writer mentions that shopping malls “create tax money” and “provide jobs”. However, the essay could be improved by providing more evidence. The writer could include statistics and facts to illustrate the point that shopping malls are better than community centres.

      Vocab List:
      – Preying on others: Exploiting, victimizing
      – Useless: Ineffectual, futile
      – Disrespect: Contempt, disdain
      – Urgency: Immediacy, haste
      – Meaningful life: Fulfilling life, worthwhile life
      – Nightmare: Horror, abomination
      – Scorn: Ridicule, derision
      – Erroneously: Incorrectly, misguidedly
      – Exploit: Manipulate, take advantage of

      Rewrite:
      What is more important for your city: a new shopping mall or a community centre? Use statistics and logical reasoning to make your case.

      The answer is clear: A shopping mall is a much more beneficial option for any city. Shopping malls provide employment opportunities for those looking for work, and in turn, generate tax money for the government. This money can then be used to improve the city and the nation, creating a happier and wealthier society. On the other hand, community centres take away the money earned from taxes and give nothing in return, thus leading to a less prosperous city.

      The pain of unemployment is one that many are familiar with. In a world where you can’t provide for yourself, where there is no sense of dignity, and where your days are filled with desperation, a shopping mall can be a beacon of hope. It can be an invitation to a better life, a chance to work and live with respect.

      Moreover, shopping malls create tax money that can be used to enhance the city and the nation. This money can be used to build libraries, parks, hospitals, and other places of benefit, thereby enriching the lives of those who live there.

      Furthermore, while many think of community centres as free services, this is not the case. These services are funded by the taxes we pay, and therefore, are not free. Therefore, it is evident that a shopping mall is a much better option for a city than a community centre.

      In conclusion, shopping malls are a much better option than a community centre. They provide employment opportunities, create tax money, and can be used to improve the lives of those living in the city. On the other hand, community centres take away tax money and provide nothing in return. Whenever the choice is between a shopping mall and a community centre, the answer is always clear: Choose the shopping mall.

      Reply
  36. sarah-h-yonggmail-com

    Part 1
    Prompt 3

    A sports complex is more important than a police station

    Sports complexes are places where you can do your daily exercise with all the equipment you desire. They are extremely important to society because they grant people the resources they need to exercise throughout the year, whether it be indoors or outdoors. Sports complexes also allow people to use the facilities to play various sports, such as basketball, netball and soccer. They also help you to stay healthy all year round.

    To start off, sports complexes will give you what you need to do your regular exercise. For example, imagine that you are trying to exercise at your house, but you can’t do the proper exercises that you are trying to do because you don’t have the sufficient equipment. Intending to buy equipment online, you scroll through all the different products on your phone. Everything that you want to buy appears to be too expensive, and you can’t afford to buy anything. This can be fixed easily. All you have to do is go to your local sports complex. They will most likely have leg pressing, pull-downs, pedalling and rowing fitness equipment outside to use for free. This is an excellent way to exercise without needing to buy anything, which is why a sports complex is more important than a police station.

    Moreover, sports complexes can help you organise sports matches. This is because sports complexes are places with many different types of sporting facilities. These include soccer fields, basketball courts and tennis courts. This can help because you can book the courts to use privately without any disruptions. You can then play your sports with others. When booking a court, there is usually a set rate per hour of usage. This is another reason why a sports complex is more important than a police station.

    However, a police station also has its benefits. Police stations can help to reduce crime, and they also mean more open jobs. This can help with the unemployment due to COVID-19. Even so, almost everywhere around the world has some sort of police force. A new police station will not benefit people as much as a new sports complex, as a sports complex will help with people’s health in many ways and it can also be used for many purposes.

    Even more so, sports complexes can be used to help you stay healthy all year round. For example, Macquarie University has a Community Aquatic Membership, which is priced at $33.00/2 weeks, a Community Fitness Membership which costs $42.50/2 weeks, and finally a Community Gold Membership which is $53.00/2 weeks. The fact that you have to pay will drive you to want to exercise, as you would not want to be wasting your precious money by not using your membership. This is why a new sports complex is obviously more important than a new police station.

    Ultimately, a new sports complex is more important than a new police station. A new sports complex has many advantages and benefits. Some of these include, they have the sufficient equipment to use, they can be used to book places to have sports matches, and they can also help you stay healthy all the time. A new sports complex is undoubtedly more important than a new police station.

    Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 14/20
      The structure of the essay is mostly effective, as it is organized and easy to follow. However, the introduction could be stronger. For example, it could be restructured to include a thesis statement, like this: “Sports complexes are crucial to society and more important than police stations, as they provide the resources needed to exercise, enable people to play various sports, and help them stay healthy all year round.”

      Persuasive Techniques: 19/20
      The writer effectively uses persuasive techniques to argue their point. For example, they use an example of someone trying to exercise without the necessary equipment to illustrate the importance of sports complexes. The sentence “This can be fixed easily. All you have to do is go to your local sports complex” is an effective persuasive technique that emphasizes the importance of sports complexes. In addition, the writer uses a comparison between sports complexes and police stations to demonstrate why sports complexes are more important. However, the use of persuasive techniques could be improved by providing more specific details. For example, instead of saying “This can be fixed easily”, the writer could say “This can be easily solved by accessing the resources at a sports complex.”

      Emotional Appeal: 17/20
      The writer does a good job of making an emotional appeal to the reader. For example, they mention that sports complexes “allow people to use the facilities to play various sports, such as basketball, netball and soccer”, which appeals to the reader’s sense of joy and excitement of playing sports. However, the emotional appeal could be stronger. For example, the writer could say “Sports complexes provide the opportunity for people to come together, compete and have fun playing various sports, such as basketball, netball and soccer.”

      Figurative Language: 17/20
      The writer uses some figurative language to make their argument more vivid and engaging. For example, they use the phrase “without needing to buy anything” to emphasize the importance of sports complexes. However, the use of figurative language could be improved. For example, instead of saying “without needing to buy anything”, the writer could say “without having to spend a dime.”

      Grammar, Syntax: 18/20
      The grammar and syntax of the essay are mostly correct. However, there are some minor errors, such as the use of “Intending” instead of “Intending to”.

      Use of Evidence: 18/20
      The writer effectively uses evidence to support their argument. For example, they mention the various memberships offered by Macquarie University, which is a great example of how sports complexes can help people stay healthy. However, the use of evidence could be improved by providing more specific details about the memberships.

      Vocabulary: 18/20
      The writer uses a variety of words and phrases, but some of them could be more sophisticated and powerful. For example, instead of “sufficient equipment”, the writer could use “state-of-the-art equipment”.

      Synonymous Vocab List:
      Sufficient Equipment: State-of-the-art equipment
      Fixed Easily: Easily solved
      Without Needing to Buy Anything: Without having to spend a dime
      Play Various Sports: Compete and have fun playing
      Help You Stay Healthy: Maintain physical wellbeing

      Rewrite
      Sports complexes are essential to our society, as they provide access to the necessary resources to exercise, the opportunity to come together and play various sports, and a means to maintain physical wellbeing all year round. This is why sports complexes are far more important than police stations.

      To begin with, sports complexes give you the tools to do your regular exercise. For instance, if you are trying to exercise in your home but don’t have the proper equipment, the most cost-effective solution is to visit your local sports complex. Most sports complexes offer outdoor fitness equipment, such as leg pressing, pull-downs, pedalling, and rowing, for free. This is a great way to exercise without having to spend any money, making sports complexes much more important than police stations.

      Furthermore, sports complexes can be used to organise sports matches. This is because sports complexes typically have soccer fields, basketball courts, and tennis courts. By renting out these courts, you can play sports without any disruptions. Although a new police station may reduce crime and create more jobs, these benefits are not as beneficial as the resources that a sports complex provides.

      Sports complexes can also help you to stay healthy all year round. For instance, Macquarie University has a range of memberships available at a reasonable cost, such as a Community Aquatic Membership, a Community Fitness Membership, and a Community Gold Membership. Paying money for these memberships will motivate people to exercise, making sports complexes much more important than police stations.

      In conclusion, sports complexes are far more important than police stations for our towns. This is because sports complexes provide the necessary resources to exercise, allow people to come together and play various sports, and help them to stay healthy all year round. A new sports complex will be much more beneficial than a new police station, as it will offer far more advantages and benefits for our society.

      Reply
    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Hello, Andrew! I can’t access the document that you submitted. Kindly change its privacy setting so I can give you feedback. thank you and have a great day!

      Reply

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