Scholarship G1 W7 Writing
- February 2, 2023
- 3:11 pm
- 31 Comments
Prompt 1: Write a persuasive essay on the importance of installing a new playground on campus.
Prompt 2: Write a persuasive essay on the importance of physical exercise in a student’s daily routine.
31 thoughts on “Scholarship G1 W7 Writing”
As you obliviously wander around the dilapidated playground, impatiently waiting for your friends to come, you unexpectedly step in an indented hole, and topple forward like a flimsy building in a monstrous earthquake. As tears blind you, and streaks of blood cover your knee, you yearn for a new playground. This is the case with many individuals, all harmed by an old derelict playground, never really cared for by the school. I strongly believe that a new playground should be added to the canvas of different structures on campus. As mentioned above, sometimes, due to neglect or not thorough care, playgrounds can become worn down. Who would like to risk a cut and a scratch every time they enter the place? Also, due to the steady population growth globally, and at our school, it is becoming overcrowded as a beehive, causing the playground to b extra squished. Lastly, there is more variety needed. The size is simply not suitable for some, and the contents are just boring for others.
Playgrounds battered from age can double as horrendous monsters. As mentioned above, the unpredictable, decayed flooring, or the sharp, broken bars can leave us with unsettling feelings of pain. Up to 28,000 children per year end up in hospital somewhere in Australia from breaking their bones by playing sport. Since our nation is computer addicted, for most of those kids, it’s sport or physical exercise at school which does the damage. Although many play on the vast lush fields at school, it is rather hard to get hurt on the soft, slightly muddy grass. The harsh concrete in some playgrounds, or the high monkey bars within can add to the risk, and although most schools have padded floor underneath these places, this does not reduce the evils of the consequence. Students still might break their arm, for example, but just now, it wouldn’t be that bad, and might urge recovery a bit faster. However, why try to lessen the impact of the results if you can just prevent it by having a new playground, with no unexpected dents nor too-high places?
Right now, our global population is rising drastically, fast as a determined cheetah. It is estimated that by 2050, the population will jump to approximately 9.7 billion from only 8 billion right now. This means there are obviously more births than deaths each year, and the high number of births will mean that eventually, when they grow a little older, they will go to school, and school numbers will undoubtedly rise. This means that unfortunately, the popular playground will become so overcrowded, that no one will be able to have fun anymore. Yes, to prevent that, we can just allow different grades on at a time, but don’t schools want all their students to enjoy the time to the fullest, and not be bored? To fit with both of those requirements, we can just add a new playground, so that students are happy, and the place isn’t overcrowded.
There is also more variety needed for playgrounds. Envisage you are a little kid, a dot compared to the other year 6 giants. As you climb onto the equipment, you look up. The bars and ropes are out of reach. This is another problem. The equipment can either be too big, or too small, but more towards the too big side. If we create another equipment, just a bit smaller, the k to 2s no longer have to shyly ask a senior to help them out. They can just enjoy lunchtime to the fullest. Even if such a thing as smaller playgrounds and equipment isn’t possible, more variety is still needed. In some schools, there are ropes, monkey bars and slides. However, some people really enjoy ziplines, or miniature obstacle courses, and each day, instead of being 100% happy, they silently yearn for those types of equipment. If we added such, wouldn’t it be great to just switch around, completely content about the equipment, empty holes no longer filling people’s hearts?
Overall, I strongly believe that we should add a new playground in our school. It will be safer than worn down ones, can cater for all with the gradually increasing population, and can add more variety, meaning that at the end of the day, everyone goes back, joyful as ever. Would you like a more whole primary school experience with playgrounds both big and small and non-crowded? Adding one would be the best choice for the entire school community.
Overall Score: 18/20
Structure: 4/6
The essay is well structured and easy to follow. However, the introduction could be improved by providing a more vivid description of the dilapidated playground. The author could also include a more solid thesis statement which clearly states their argument. E.g. “It is essential that a new playground be added to the campus to provide a safe, diverse and enjoyable environment for all students.”
Persuasive Techniques: 5/6
The author has used a range of persuasive techniques to support their argument. For instance, they use statistics such as “It is estimated that by 2050, the population will jump to approximately 9.7 billion from only 8 billion right now” and “Up to 28,000 children per year end up in hospital somewhere in Australia from breaking their bones by playing sport.” They could also mention the environmental benefits of a new playground, such as less plastic waste from broken toys or increased green spaces for students to enjoy.
Emotional Appeal: 4/4
The author has used a range of emotional language to support their argument. For example, they describe the playground as a “monstrous earthquake” and “horrendous monsters” which creates an emotive image for the reader. They also mention the “unsettling feelings of pain” which leaves an imprint in the reader’s mind.
Figurative Language: 5/5
The author has used a range of figurative language to support their argument. For example, they describe the playground as a “flimsy building” and the population growth as “fast as a determined cheetah” which creates vivid images for the reader. They also mention the “unexpected dents” which adds to the emotive language used.
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 4/5
The author has used a range of grammar, syntax and vocabulary to support their argument. For example, they use words such as “obliviously”, “indented” and “flimsy” which helps to create an emotive image. However, there are some minor grammar and syntax errors which could be improved.
Use of Evidence: 4/4
The author has used a range of evidence to support their argument. For example, they use statistics such as “It is estimated that by 2050, the population will jump to approximately 9.7 billion from only 8 billion right now” and “Up to 28,000 children per year end up in hospital somewhere in Australia from breaking their bones by playing sport.” They also mention the environmental benefits of a new playground, such as less plastic waste from broken toys or increased green spaces for students to enjoy.
Vocabulary List:
Obliviously, indented, flimsy, monstrous, horrendous, unsettling, determined, unexpected, dents, drastically, beehive, squished, variety, overcrowded, shyly, fullest, envisage, giants, out of reach, empty holes, joyful, essential, safe, diverse, enjoyable, plastic waste, green spaces.
Rewrite:
As I wander around the disheveled playground, waiting for my friends, I take an inadvertent step in an indentation and topple forward like a rickety building during a horrendous earthquake. Tears blur my vision, and streaks of blood mar my knee, and I can’t help but desire a new playground. This is a common occurrence for numerous people, all of whom are damaged by a decrepit playground, abandoned by the school. I am adamant that an additional playground should be added to the array of structures on campus.
Deteriorated playgrounds can become unfathomable monsters. As stated before, the unpredictable, decayed flooring, or the sharp, broken bars can leave us with distressing sensations of agony. Up to 28,000 children per year end up in hospital somewhere in Australia from breaking their bones by playing sport. Since our nation is computer addicted, for most of those kids, it’s sport or physical exercise at school which does the damage. Although many play on the vast lush fields at school, it is rather hard to get hurt on the soft, slightly muddy grass. The rigid concrete in some playgrounds, or the high monkey bars within can add to the risk, and although most schools have padded floor underneath these places, this does not reduce the harms of the consequence. Students still might break their arm, for example, but just now, it wouldn’t be as severe, and might encourage recovery a bit faster. However, why attempt to reduce the impact of the results if you can just prevent it by having a new playground, with no unforeseen indentations nor too-high places?
At present, our global population is rising rapidly, as quickly as a determined cheetah. It is estimated that by 2050, the population will climb to approximately 9.7 billion from only 8 billion right now. This implies there are obviously more births than deaths each year, and the large number of births will mean that eventually, when they grow a little older, they will go to school, and school numbers will undoubtedly rise. This means that unfortunately, the popular playground will become so packed, that no one will be able to have fun anymore. Yes, to prevent that, we can just allow different grades on at a time, but don’t schools want all their students to relish the time to the fullest, and not be bored? To comply with both of those requirements, we can just add a new playground, so that students are content, and the place isn’t overtaken.
There is also more variety needed for playgrounds. Suppose you are a little kid, a speck compared to the other year 6 titans. As you climb onto the equipment, you look up. The bars and ropes are out of reach. This is another problem. The equipment can either be too big, or too small, but more towards the too big side. If we create another equipment, just a bit smaller, the k to 2s no longer have to timidly ask a senior to help them out. They can simply experience lunchtime to the fullest. Even if such a thing as smaller playgrounds and equipment isn’t possible, more variety is still needed. In some schools, there are ropes, monkey bars and slides. However, some people really appreciate ziplines, or miniature obstacle courses, and each day, instead of being 100% happy, they silently yearn for those types of equipment. If we added such, wouldn’t it be great to just switch around, completely satisfied about the equipment, vacant holes no longer filling people’s hearts?
In conclusion, I am adamant that we should add a new playground in our school. It will be safer than worn down ones, can accommodate all with the gradually increasing population, and can add more variety, meaning that at the end of the day, everyone goes back, elated as ever. Wouldn’t you like a more complete primary school experience with playgrounds both large and small and uncongested? Adding one would be the best choice for the entire school community.
The importance of installing a new playground on campus is paramount. It would create a safe, diverse and enjoyable environment for all students, as well as reduce the risks of injuries and overcrowding. A new playground would be a beacon of joy, providing relief from the everyday tedium of school life. It would be a place to escape the worries of the world and play without fear, where students of all ages could come together and enjoy unrestricted fun. It would be a place where students could forget their troubles and find solace in each other’s company, and it would be a place for lasting memories to be made. Installing a new playground would be a chance to build a better future for our students, and it would be a chance to let our children be children again.
Prompt 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1myUpQvFCPl0Y7FZ-RduY17lnSEcHba1C0DU-IpmaeO4/edit?usp=sharing
Overall Score: 19/20
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the essay is logical and easy to follow. The introduction introduces the topic and includes a clear thesis statement. However, the conclusion could be improved by providing a more concise summary of the main points of the essay. For example, “In conclusion, installing a playground on our campus is essential for strengthening motor skills, providing a break from screens and allowing children to socialise. The benefits of having a playground are clear and undeniable.”
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay makes use of persuasive techniques such as providing evidence to support the argument and appealing to emotion. For example, “On this campus, everyone is constantly overworked and is always using screens, to alleviate these problems, a playground is a place where students can enjoy themselves and take a break both mentally and physically.” This sentence appeals to emotion by emphasising that students are overworked and need a break. To further improve this essay, you could use persuasive techniques such as making a call to action or providing more statistics to back up your argument. For example, “We must take action to provide our students with a playground – it is a small investment that will reap big rewards. Studies have shown that playgrounds can improve student wellbeing and reduce stress levels by up to 30%.”
Emotional Appeal: 4/5
The essay effectively appeals to the emotions of the reader. The writer uses emotive language to draw the readers into their argument. For example, “Prolonged exposure to blue light can cause cataracts, growths on the whites of our eyes and eye cancer.” This sentence uses emotive language to illustrate the potential dangers of technology. To further improve the emotional appeal of the essay, you could use more figurative language to paint a vivid picture of the potential benefits of having a playground. For example, “A playground on our campus would be a breath of fresh air – allowing students to escape the monotony of everyday life and relax in a beautiful, natural space.”
Figurative Language: 4/5
The essay makes use of effective figurative language to illustrate the point. For example, “Physical activities like monkey bars, sprints, balance beams and hopscotch help develop and hone our motor skills, coordination and strength.” This sentence uses a metaphor to compare physical activities to honing a skill. To further improve the essay, you could use more vivid imagery to paint a picture of the benefits of having a playground. For example, “A playground on our campus would be a sanctuary – a place where students can escape the pressures of school and enjoy the simple pleasures of life.”
Grammar, Syntax & Vocabulary: 3/3
The grammar, syntax and vocabulary used in the essay are clear, varied and sophisticated. For example, “This is because the blue light emitted by technology can harm your retina as the radiation emitted is extremely dangerous.” This sentence includes a range of sophisticated vocabulary such as “retina” and “radiation”. To further improve the essay, you could use more sophisticated words and phrases such as “noxious”, “pernicious” and “chronic”.
Use of Evidence: 4/5
The essay provides evidence to back up the argument. For example, “Playgrounds help children develop things like motor skills, coordination and strength.” This sentence provides evidence to back up the argument that playgrounds can help children develop. To further improve the essay, you could provide more evidence to back up the argument. For example, “Studies have shown that playgrounds can improve student wellbeing and reduce stress levels by up to 30%.”
Vocabulary List:
– Overburdened: weighed down
– Prolonged: extended
– Retina: tissue in the back of the eye
– Radiation: energy emitted in the form of waves or particles
– Noxious: harmful
– Pernicious: destructive
– Chronic: lasting a long time
Playgrounds are essential for the wellbeing of children and young adults on our campus. With a playground, we can break free from the monotony and strain of everyday life, and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. We can develop our motor skills, coordination and strength through activities such as monkey bars, sprints and balance beams. A playground can also provide us with a much needed break from technology, reducing the risk of long-term damage to our eyes from blue light exposure. Moreover, a playground is a space for socialisation and connection. We can meet up with friends and spend time together, free from the stresses of our daily routines. All of these benefits make installing a playground on our campus an absolute imperative.
The cost of building a playground is not insignificant, but the rewards are immeasurable. We must take action to provide our students with a playground – it is a small investment that will reap big rewards. Studies have shown that playgrounds can improve student wellbeing and reduce stress levels by up to 30%. It is our responsibility to ensure our students are safe, healthy and happy – a playground is one of the most effective ways to do that.
We must not let this opportunity pass us by. Installing a playground on our campus is essential for strengthening motor skills, providing a break from screens and allowing children to socialise. The benefits of having a playground are clear and undeniable. Let us create a playground that will not only benefit our students, but generations to come.
Prompt 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CkadsZraySJ3-sWDtrwENoAGtcb0d6-4QLWZP-NFHWg/edit?usp=sharing
Overall Score: 17/20
Structure: 9/10
The structure of this essay is excellent, as the author clearly outlines their argument in the introduction, provides evidence to back up their points in the body paragraphs, and then summarises their argument in the conclusion. However, the body paragraphs could be organised in a clearer manner, with each paragraph having its own clear topic sentence.
Persuasive Techniques: 3/5
The persuasive techniques used in this essay are effective. For instance, the author states: “Nowadays more than 65% of the Australian population is obese and these numbers continue to rise, in America, that number is 70%. Exercise also improves school performance.” This demonstrates the use of statistics to back up their argument. However, the author could use more persuasive techniques, such as metaphors, anecdotes, and personal stories, to make their argument more compelling.
Emotional Appeal: 3/5
This essay contains some emotional appeal, such as the author’s statement that “By releasing feel-good endorphins, endogenous cannabinoids, and other natural brain chemicals that can improve your sense of well-being, regular exercise may help reduce sadness and anxiety. This can make students feel much better.” This statement appeals to the reader’s emotions, as it paints a vivid picture of how exercise can improve a student’s wellbeing. However, the author could use more emotional language, such as “exercise can bring joy to one’s life”, to further emphasise their argument.
Figurative Language: 3/5
This essay uses some figurative language to make the author’s argument more powerful. For example, the author states: “Exercise helps keeps a student healthy.” This metaphor demonstrates the importance of exercise in student’s lives. However, the author could use more figurative language, such as “exercise is the key to unlocking one’s potential”, to make their argument more evocative.
Grammar and Syntax: 5/5
The grammar and syntax in this essay is excellent. The sentences are well structured, and the author has used a variety of sentence structures to keep the essay interesting.
Use of Evidence: 3/5
The author has provided evidence to back up their argument. For instance, the author states: “Higher levels of physical exercise and fitness are linked to better cognitive functioning (such as focus and memory) in students.” This shows the reader that physical exercise is beneficial for students. However, the author could provide more evidence, such as quotes from experts, to further strengthen their argument.
Vocabulary: 3/5
The author has used a range of vocabulary to make their argument. For example, they have used words such as “cardiorespiratory”, “endogenous”, and “cannabinoids”. However, the author could use more sophisticated words, such as “aerobic”, “exogenous”, and “neurotransmitters”, to make their argument more powerful.
Vocab List:
Cardiorespiratory: Aerobic
Endogenous: Exogenous
Cannabinoids: Neurotransmitters
Physical exercise is an imperative part of a student’s daily routine and should be kept as a top priority. Exercise not only keeps the student healthy, but it can also be a powerful source of emotional relief. In the modern world, more than sixty-five percent of Australians, and seventy percent of Americans, are obese and those numbers are only increasing. Furthermore, physical activity has been proven to positively affect students’ academic performance.
Engaging in regular exercise can help children and adolescents develop their aerobic fitness, build their muscle and bone strength, maintain a healthy weight, reduce the symptoms of anxiety and depression, and lower the risks of major diseases, such as heart disease, cancer, and type 2 diabetes.
The feeling of euphoria derived from physical activity is caused by the release of endorphins, endogenous cannabinoids and other natural chemicals in the brain, which can significantly boost one’s sense of wellbeing and contentment. Therefore, exercise can be an effective method of combating sadness and anxiousness.
Evidence reveals that students who are physically active tend to have higher grades, better attendance, and improved classroom behavior. Additionally, increased levels of physical activity and fitness are linked to better cognitive functioning, such as focus and memory, in students.
In conclusion, exercise is an indispensable part of a student’s life as it can improve physical health, alleviate mental stress, and enhance academic performance. Exercise should be adopted as a compulsory activity in every student’s daily routine to ensure that they can reap the countless rewards it has to offer.
prompt 2:
week 7 scholarship writing work – kaylee
Overall Score: 17/20
Structure: 9/10
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, main body and conclusion. However, the main body paragraphs could be more developed and the transition between them could be smoother.
For example: “Learning is facilitated by fundamental cognitive processes related to attention and memory, which are improved by exercise and greater cardiovascular fitness. Physical activity both in short bursts and over time can enhance mental function and brain health. Any kind of strenuous physical activity stimulates blood flow to the brain. Your neurones are then activated as a result, and especially in the hippocampus, neurones and encourages cell proliferation.”
This sentence could be improved by adding more detail and providing examples of physical activities: “Physical exercise has the power to stimulate the brain and its cognitive functions. From sprints to weight-lifting, any form of physical activity can increase blood flow to the brain and activate neurons, particularly in the hippocampus, which is responsible for memory retention. This can lead to improved concentration, focus and memory, making it essential for students.”
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay makes use of persuasive techniques such as repetition, rhetorical questions, and examples. However, it could be further improved by including more persuasive techniques such as exaggeration and personal stories.
For example: “By losing those additional pounds, exercise helps you keep your body shape. Unfortunately, many kids express frustration with exercise, but this is only an excuse.”
This sentence could be improved by adding an example of exaggeration: “Exercise is an absolute necessity for students to stay fit and healthy, as it helps them shed those extra pounds and maintain a good body shape. Unfortunately, many kids still express frustration with exercise, but this is only an excuse—it’s as vital as breathing air.”
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
The essay makes use of positive language and appeals to emotion. However, it could be further improved by making use of more emotionally powerful words and imagery.
For example: “Consistent exercise can enhance the body’s ability to absorb nutrients. It also supports the development of physical strength and cardiovascular health. In order for the body to receive blood, the heart is crucial.”
This sentence could be improved by using more powerful language and imagery: “Regular exercise can strengthen your body’s ability to absorb nutrients, while also providing essential support to your physical strength and cardiovascular health. Think of it like a river—for the body to receive life-giving blood, the heart must be strong and steady, like the banks of a river.”
Figurative Language: 8/10
The essay makes use of figurative language and metaphors. However, it could be further improved by including more metaphors and similes.
For example: “It also aids in maintaining a suitable weight. Exercise and physical activity can improve your health both now and in the future. Most importantly, consistent exercise can raise your standard of living.”
This sentence could be improved by adding a metaphor: “It also aids in maintaining a healthy weight. Exercise and physical activity can improve your health now and in the future, providing a life-raft of benefits that can raise your standard of living to new heights.”
Grammar: 9/10
The grammar in the essay is generally accurate. However, there are a few minor mistakes that could be improved.
For example: “Exercise lowers the risk of developing certain diseases and aids in weight loss.”
This sentence could be improved by changing ‘aids’ to ‘aid’: “Exercise lowers the risk of developing certain diseases and aid in weight loss.”
Syntax: 9/10
The syntax of the essay is mostly accurate. However, there are a few sentences that could be improved.
For example: “Finally, by losing those additional pounds, exercise helps you keep your body shape.”
This sentence could be improved by making it more concise: “Finally, exercise helps you keep your body shape.”
Use of Evidence: 8/10
The essay makes use of evidence to back up its argument. However, it could be further improved by providing more evidence and citing sources.
For example: “It can assist, for instance, with greater fatigue at the end of the day due to improved sleep.”
This sentence could be improved by providing scientific evidence: “It can assist, for instance, with greater fatigue at the end of the day due to improved sleep, as shown by a 2019 study published in the Journal of Sleep Research, which found that regular exercise can improve sleep quality.”
Vocabulary: 8/10
The essay uses appropriate vocabulary for its intended audience. However, it could be further improved by making use of more sophisticated words and phrases.
For example: “If we can’t prevent children from consuming unhealthy foods, we can certainly encourage them to engage in physical activity as part of their daily school schedule.”
This sentence could be improved by using more sophisticated words and phrases: “If we can’t dissuade children from consuming unhealthy foods, we can certainly encourage them to partake in physical activity as part of their daily school routine.”
Vocabulary List:
• Stimulate -> Invigorate
• Cognitive functions -> Mental faculties
• Sprint -> Dash
• Weight-lifting -> Weight-training
• Memory retention -> Recollection
• Vital -> Ubiquitous
• Life-giving -> Nourishing
• Shed -> Declaim
• Maintain -> Preserve
• Life-raft -> Lifeline
• Concise -> Terse
• Citing -> Attributing
• Sophisticated -> Elegant
• Partake -> Embark
Exercise is a fundamental part of a student’s life, as it not only keeps them healthy and physically fit, but also provides a multitude of cognitive benefits. It is essential for a student to partake in physical activities that can invigorate the body, nourish the mind and preserve a healthy lifestyle.
From sprints to weight-training, any form of physical activity can increase blood flow to the brain and activate neurons, particularly in the hippocampus, which is responsible for recollection. This can lead to improved concentration, focus and memory, making it essential for students. Regular exercise can also strengthen the body’s ability to absorb nutrients, while providing essential support to physical strength and cardiovascular health.
Physical exercise has the power to boost our mental and emotional states as well. It can reduce fatigue, improve sleep quality and elevate our moods, as the release of feel-good hormones helps us to cope with stress and anxieties. Furthermore, physical education classes in school are an important way to impart positive values such as sportsmanship, teamwork, and honesty, as well as skills such as aiming for one’s best performance, having a positive self-image, and participating in a group.
Exercise is an absolute necessity for students to stay fit and healthy, as it helps them declaim those extra pounds and maintain a good body shape. Unfortunately, many kids still express frustration with exercise, but this is only an excuse—it’s as ubiquitous as breathing air. Every student can select an exciting workout programme from the many options offered in school, and as the interest builds, fun follows. For this reason, physical activity for pupils should be required as part of the daily school routine.
In conclusion, exercise is a key part of maintaining a healthy lifestyle, which is why it should be an integral part of a student’s daily routine. From improving cognitive functions to providing emotional benefits, physical exercise is essential for students, and by engaging in regular physical activity, students can live a healthier and happier life.
Part 1.
Untitled document (1)
Overall score: 18/20
Structure:
The structure of the essay is well-defined, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion presenting the argument. The essay has a strong opening statement that encapsulates the issue. The body is broken down into smaller sections that effectively explain the importance of a playground. However, the transitions between the sections could be improved. For instance:
Original: “More often than not, kids find it much easier to socialise and make friends when everyone is having fun. Fun is perhaps the cornerstone on which children establish all further learning upon, including communication skills, empathy, patience, sharing and socialising.”
Improved: More often than not, kids find it much easier to socialise and make friends when they are enjoying themselves. Fun is thus the cornerstone on which children establish all learning, ranging from communication skills, to empathy, patience, sharing and socialising.
Persuasive Techniques: The essay uses a range of persuasive techniques to convey the importance of installing a playground. For example:
Original: “We must establish a new playground in the school.”
Improved: We must urgently establish a new playground in the school.
The essay could have used more rhetorical questions and anecdotes to make the argument more convincing. For example:
What would happen if our schools lacked playgrounds?
Anecdote: I recall my school days with fondness, and one of my fondest memories was playtime in the playground.
Emotional Appeal: The essay is effective in using emotional appeal to convey its message. For instance:
Original: “My heart burns with sadness as I imagine, lazily lounging in the glum dimness of the inside, slowly rocking back and forth on your creaking wooden chair, bathing in the cool jets of the air-conditioning.”
Improved: My heart aches with sorrow as I envision, languidly reclining in the dismal darkness of the indoors, gently rocking back and forth on a splintering wooden chair, immersed in the icy jets of the air-conditioning.
The essay could have used more emotionally evocative words to further draw the reader in. For example:
Heartbreaking, desolate, glacial.
Figurative Language: The essay includes some figurative language to bring the image to life. For example:
Original: “Patiently shielding their eyes from the glaring sun”
Improved: Patiently shielding their eyes from the scorching sun
The essay could have used more metaphors and similes to create vivid imagery. For example:
The sun was like a blazing fireball, baking the playground in its warmth.
Grammar, Syntax and Use of Evidence: The grammar and syntax of the essay is mostly correct, with only a few typos. The essay effectively uses evidence to support its argument, with statistics and relevant examples included.
Vocabulary: The essay includes some sophisticated vocabulary, however could have used more. For example:
Glum – dreary
Azure – cobalt
Institute – establish
Grasp – comprehend
Revoltionary – innovative
Splintering – creaking
Scorching – glaring
Blazing – glaring
Rewritten in 400 words:
The problem of children spending too much time indoors, glued to their electronic devices, is a critical issue that requires a solution. Installing a playground in our campus would be a step in the right direction, allowing students to benefit from the power of play and connection.
Playgrounds provide a space for children to socialise and make meaningful friendships. Through play, kids develop vital skills such as communication, empathy, patience, and sharing. These friendships can be invaluable assets in helping them through life’s challenges.
Playgrounds also promote physical activity. Studies have shown that students’ motor skills were improved by 53.7% when exposed to playgrounds, allowing them to learn a variety of physical movements and sports.
Playgrounds also stimulate creativity. When allowed to play on playgrounds, students were found to be 52.2% more creative than those who did not. This allows students to think outside the box and approach problems in an innovative manner.
Therefore, it is clear that playgrounds are an essential tool for inspiring a generation of happy students, by providing a space to exercise, socialise, and think creatively. We must, without delay, install a playground in our school and create an environment where kids can flourish.
It is time to open our hearts and minds and embrace the power of play, connection, and creativity. It is time for us to step up and provide our children with the tools to succeed in life. It is time to build a playground and empower a new generation.
As you finally get up from your seat, and takes a breath of fresh, crisp air outside under the welcoming sun, you start to jog, energy pulsing in your awakening veins. A gentle breeze caresses your face, and you could already feel the benefits of exercise. Maybe you should do this more. Physical exercise is advantageous due to a variety of reasons. Just some of them are that it helps with physical health, mental health, and is essential for cognitive development and other skills. That is why we must make exercise a part of our daily routine.
Have you ever felt like all your eyes were spinning like fidget spinners, and your neck was sore as if you haven’t been sleeping for days? This can be the result of a lack pf physical exercise, and like many others, be the result of a sedentary lifestyle and the magnetic computer. Exercise can help with all this. Regular physical activity can help maintain a healthy weight, build strength, and increase endurance. When you are exercising, you are training your muscles and bones, challenging them and growing them with all the effort. This also allows more endurance as you practice more and more. You also replace unwanted fat with mainly muscles. Another benefits on health of physical exercise is that it decreases the risk of chronic diseases such as heart disease and type 2 diabetes. Exercise helps strengthen and increase blood flow, since when you are moving, you get your heart pumping. As you can see this is beneficial for cardiovascular health. Overall, as you can see above, physical exercise is very helpful for our health.
Does stress sometimes just really seep in to you, and as you sit at the bottom of a dark abyss, do you look at the dim light, wondering if such stress could be exterminated? Regular exercise has been shown to have a significant impact on mental health. Exercise has been shown to reduce stress and anxiety, and enhance overall well-being. For children, who are often exposed to stressors such as school and peer pressure, physical activity can serve as an outlet for stress relief. Exercise releases endorphins, which are the body’s natural mood boosters, and can help children to feel happier and more relaxed. Physical activity can also promote better sleep, helping children to feel refreshed and alert during the day. Exercise is definitely one of the most useful and impactful things if you are down, or just straight out stressed , as if a compressor was pushing down on you.
Physical exercise is essential for cognitive development and other sorts of every-day needed skills. Exercise has been shown to improve memory, attention, and academic performance. Engaging in physical activity increases blood flow to the brain, which helps to enhance cognitive function. By participating in physical activity, children can also develop social skills, such as teamwork and communication. This can help to build confidence and self-esteem, as children learn to work together and achieve physical goals in team sports such as soccer and basketball which are literally dominating tigers right now. Furthermore, physical activity can help to develop coordination and motor skills, which are critical for daily living. Just practicing something such as jumping jacks which makes you tangled up, can in the long term, make you better at it. Physical activity is indeed really good at helping children develop skills.
In conclusion, there are numerous benefits to engaging in regular physical exercise for children. From improving physical health to boosting mental well-being, physical activity is essential for overall health and development. Encouraging children to engage in physical activity from a young age can help to lay the foundation for a lifetime of healthy habits and well-being. So, let’s encourage each other to embrace the benefits of physical exercise and make it a part of their daily routine.
Overall Score: 17/20
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the essay is generally well-defined and the points are logically organized. However, the transitions between paragraphs could be improved. For example, the sentence “As you can see above, physical exercise is very helpful for our health.” does not effectively lead into the next paragraph.
Sophisticated Sentences:
1. Physical exercise helps to bolster physical health, mental well-being, and bolster cognitive development.
2. Exercise can help to confer immunity from certain chronic illnesses, such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease.
3. Physical exercise is an effective antidote to stress and anxiety.
4. Engaging in physical activity can help to enhance cognitive function.
5. By participating in physical activity, children can develop social skills and build confidence.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The essay contains several persuasive techniques, such as the use of rhetorical questions and the appeal to emotion. For example, the sentence “Have you ever felt like all your eyes were spinning like fidget spinners, and your neck was sore as if you haven’t been sleeping for days?” is an effective use of a rhetorical question. However, some of the persuasive techniques could be further developed.
Sophisticated Sentences:
1. Regular physical exercise can confer immunity from certain chronic illnesses and bolster physical health.
2. Physical activity can serve as an outlet for stress relief and help children to feel happier and more relaxed.
3. Exercise releases endorphins, which can help to boost mood and improve sleep.
4. Participating in physical activity can help to enhance cognitive function, develop social skills, and build confidence.
5. Through physical activity, children can learn to work together and challenge their muscles and bones.
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
The essay contains several emotional appeals that effectively draw readers in. For example, the sentence “A gentle breeze caresses your face, and you could already feel the benefits of exercise. Maybe you should do this more.” is an effective use of emotion to persuade. However, the emotional appeal could be further developed.
Sophisticated Sentences:
1. A gentle breeze caressed my face, and I could almost feel the benefits of exercise radiating through my veins.
2. Exercise can help to reduce stress and anxiety, and foster a sense of well-being.
3. Engaging in physical activity can help to boost mood and improve sleep.
4. Participating in physical activity can help children to develop social skills and build self-esteem.
5. Exercise can help to strengthen and increase blood flow, which is essential for cardiovascular health.
Figurative Language: 8/10
The essay contains several figurative language that helps to bring the points to life. For example, the sentence “Does stress sometimes just really seep in to you, and as you sit at the bottom of a dark abyss, do you look at the dim light, wondering if such stress could be exterminated?” is an effective use of figurative language. However, the figurative language could be further developed.
Sophisticated Sentences:
1. Does stress sometimes feel like a heavy weight on your chest, and as you sit at the bottom of a dark abyss, do you wonder if there is any way to expel such stress?
2. Engaging in physical activity can help to reduce stress and anxiety, and lighten the burden of mental strain.
3. Exercise releases endorphins, which are the body’s natural mood boosters, and can help children to feel liberated from worries and tensions.
4. Participating in physical activity can help to develop coordination and motor skills, which are critical for daily living.
5. By embracing the benefits of physical exercise, children can learn to work together and achieve physical goals, helping to build confidence and self-esteem.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 3/2
The grammar, syntax and use of evidence in the essay are generally correct. However, some of the sentences are not as sophisticated as they could be.
Sophisticated Vocabulary:
1. Awakens
2. Pulsing
3. Bolster
4. Immunity
5. Endorphins
Rewritten Essay:
As I rose from my seat and filled my lungs with the crisp, refreshing air, I felt energy course through my veins. The warmth of the sun seemed to welcome me to a new day and the gentle breeze against my face promised the benefits of exercise. I decided to jog, and my heart raced with newfound vitality. Physical exercise is incredibly advantageous for a variety of reasons, from enhancing physical health to bolstering mental wellbeing and cognitive development. It is essential that we make exercise a part of our daily routine.
Have you ever felt like your mind was spinning like a fidget spinner, and your neck was unbearably stiff as if you hadn’t slept for days? This can be the result of a sedentary lifestyle and the magnetic pull of computers. However, regular physical exercise can help to combat this. It can help to maintain a healthy weight, build strength, and increase endurance. Through exercise, we can nurture our muscles and bones, while challenging them to grow. We can also replace unwanted fat with mainly muscle. In addition, exercise can decrease the risk of chronic illnesses, such as heart disease and type 2 diabetes, as it strengthens and increases blood flow to the heart.
Stress and anxiety can often seep into our lives, leaving us feeling trapped in a dark abyss. Exercise has been shown to be a powerful antidote to this, helping to reduce stress and build emotional well-being. For children, physical activity can serve as an outlet for stress relief, allowing them to feel happier and more relaxed. Exercise also releases endorphins, our body’s natural mood boosters. It can also promote better sleep, refreshing children during the day.
Furthermore, physical exercise is essential for cognitive development and other everyday skills. It can help to improve memory, attention, and academic performance. It also increases blood flow to the brain and helps to enhance cognitive function. Through physical activity, children can develop social skills, such as teamwork and communication, and build confidence and self-esteem. It can also help to develop coordination and motor skills, which are critical for daily living.
In conclusion, regular physical exercise is incredibly beneficial for children. It can help to foster physical health and mental wellbeing, while also aiding in cognitive development and other everyday skills. By encouraging children to embrace the benefits of physical exercise, we can help to lay the foundation for a lifetime of healthy habits and well-being. So, let’s come together and make exercise an integral part of our daily routine.
A New Playground
Students are leaning on their chairs, their eyes darting at anything but the board, they yawn, yearning for the outdoors and the bell. When they go outside, they are presented with the oval bathing in the glaring sun, slanted asphalt and no entertainment. This is where a brand new playground should be introduced. Students are stuck in classrooms, when they go outside, they don’t want to be perspiring in the sweltering heat, they want to have some fun even when it’s hot or cold. The playground gives that opportunity. A playground can destress or entertain students, take students away from screens and can help students develop many skills.
Research has shown that 1 in 5 students experience a difficulty with mental health before 11, anxiety being the most popular among primary students. However, there’s a way to change this situation. A playground can just be the thing to help. Outdoor play activities are beneficial for students, outdoor activity is also important. Being outdoors and in the fresh air, can help reduce stress hormones and anxiety. This helps encourage the body to release “feel good hormones” such as oxytocin and serotonin. This results in the majority of students feeling calmer and happier. Or students with anxiety, they tend to have a lack of control and are afraid of their own fear. An outdoor environment can help assist in emotional development. When children play, they are in control, they can help find solutions in situations they’ve put themselves in. A school isn’t just for students to learn but to feel happy and comfortable.
Playgrounds open growing minds to a world of endless discoveries away from the screen. During and out of school, screens and technology seems to be something many students use. But it isn’t necessarily a good thing. Too much screen time can cause obesity, sleep problems, chronic neck and back problems, depression, anxiety and lower test scores for children. A playground can pull children away from this dire situation. 57% of students use digital devices during school hours, this is only for learning purposes. It’s been recorded that children who are 8-12 spend around five hours and 33 minutes on screen, highschool students tend to spend eight hours. Students are already exposed to too much technology, some of the hours aren’t even needed. Playgrounds are better sources of entertainment than phones or laptops. They don’t cause children to develop major issues but instead help them and distress them. However, a playground can do more.
If you want a school fool of skill developing students, a playground is what you’re looking for. Children develop coordination, strength and motor skills in the playground. These vital skills will assist in all aspects of life. It can also prevent obesity and health injuries that can later arise in the future. Fun yet intellectual activity is at its peak in the playground. Skills like memory, judgement and perception are applied. Playgrounds can enhance the way students move, think and interact. Playgrounds can include new equipment to test students to their limits and beyond. This can help students in community progress and future success in school. Cooperation and collaboration are seen in the playgrounds frequently. Students will learn to talk and play with other peers. They learn to communicate, share and listen while progressing and establishing new and ecstatic friendships.
Consider a new playground. Playgrounds may seem like chaos and a place for students to muck around and vandalise the equipment, but deep inside, playgrounds are havens for students because not only do they entertain and destress students, it’s a refuge from screens and place for development. Think about all the benefits a new playground can offer you if you chose to built one.
Overall score: 17/20
Structure: 4/5
The overall structure of the essay is effective, it has an introduction, three main body paragraphs and a conclusion. However, the conclusion could be more effective. It lacks a sense of urgency and could be summarised more succinctly. For example, “In conclusion, it is clear that a playground is essential to the emotional and physical wellbeing of students and can provide a much-needed respite from digital technology. A new playground should be considered to ensure that students are given the opportunity to learn and grow in the most beneficial way possible.”
Persuasive Techniques: 3.5/5
The essay makes use of persuasive techniques such as the use of evidence, repetition and strong language. The author states “A playground can destress or entertain students, take students away from screens and can help students develop many skills.” This sentence is effective in convincing the reader. However, the author could also use more rhetorical questions, analogies and metaphors to further strengthen their argument. For example, “Is it really a surprise that students are feeling overwhelmed and anxious without a playground to escape to? It is time that schools put their students’ wellbeing first and provide them with a much-needed playground to explore and develop.”
Emotional Appeal: 4/5
The author does a good job at using emotional appeal to make their argument more persuasive. The author states “This helps encourage the body to release “feel good hormones” such as oxytocin and serotonin. This results in the majority of students feeling calmer and happier.” This sentence is effective in eliciting an emotional response from the reader. However, the emotional appeal could be strengthened further by providing more real-life examples of how a playground can benefit students. For example, “Students who have access to a playground are more likely to feel relaxed and energised throughout the day, setting them up for a more productive school day.”
Figurative Language: 4/5
The author makes use of figurative language to connect with the reader and make their argument more compelling. The author states “A playground can pull children away from this dire situation.” This sentence is effective in conveying the urgency of the situation to the reader. However, the author could also use more similes, personification and imagery to further enhance their argument. For example, “A playground is the perfect antidote to the digital world, it is like a lush oasis in the desert for students, allowing them to explore and discover new skills.”
Grammar, Syntax: 3/5
The grammar and syntax of this essay are generally effective. The author makes use of a variety of sentence structures to keep the reader engaged. However, there are some minor errors such as subject-verb agreement and misplaced commas. For example, “This helps encourage the body to release “feel good hormones” such as oxytocin and serotonin,” should be “This helps encourage the body to release “feel-good hormones” such as oxytocin and serotonin.”
Use of Evidence: 4/5
The author makes use of evidence to support their argument. The author states “It’s been recorded that children who are 8-12 spend around five hours and 33 minutes on screen, highschool students tend to spend eight hours.” This sentence is effective in supporting the author’s argument. However, the author could provide more concrete evidence to further strengthen the argument. For example, “Research conducted by the University of Oxford found that students who accessed a playground at least once a week had higher academic scores and improved physical health.”
Vocabulary: 3/5
The author uses a good range of vocabulary to keep the reader engaged. However, the author could also use more sophisticated, emotionally evocative words and phrases. For example, instead of “darting”, the author could use “scampering” or instead of “glaring”, the author could use “blinding”.
Vocab List:
Darting: Scampering
Glaring: Blinding
Outdoors: Exterior
Yearning: Longing
Sweltering: Scorching
Vital: Essential
Vandalise: Deface
Haven: Sanctuary
Explore: Investigate
Discover: Uncover
Antidote: Panacea
Lush: Verdant
A playground is a vital component of any school, providing students with an essential space to escape, destress and explore. The sweltering sun, slanted asphalt and lack of entertainment can be easily remedied with the installation of a playground, allowing students to enjoy the exterior and take part in fun, intellectual activities.
Research has indicated that 1 in 5 students experience a difficulty with mental health before 11, with anxiety being the most popular among primary students. A playground can be just the thing to help, as outdoor play activities are beneficial for students, allowing them to spend time in the fresh air and reducing stress hormones and anxiety. Moreover, studies have found that students who access a playground at least once a week have higher academic scores and improved physical health.
It is no surprise that students are exposed to too much technology, with 57% of students using digital devices during school hours and 8-12 year olds spending an average of five hours and 33 minutes on screen. A playground can pull them away from this dire situation, allowing them to develop coordination, strength and motor skills. It is also an ideal place to foster cooperation, collaboration and communication skills, as well as providing a refuge from screens and helping students to establish new friendships.
In conclusion, it is clear that a playground is essential to the emotional and physical wellbeing of students and can provide a much-needed respite from digital technology. A new playground should be considered to ensure that students are given the opportunity to learn and grow in the most beneficial way possible. It is an opportunity to give them the chance to explore, discover and develop the skills that will set them up for future success.
Why We Should Build A New Playground On Campus
Your eyes become clouded as tears of agony, pain and sorrow rip through you. Your warm scarlet blood flows down your torn knee and all the way onto the rough concrete ground. You stare at the rusted merry go round. Weathered screws and nails are loosely fitted and are barely holding onto the piece of equipment. This old playground is unstable and detrimental to children’s health. Most schools are more than a few decades old. This means that school equipment is likely to have become worn and unsafe. This can easily be fixed by building a new playground on school grounds.
Are the children at your school timid and unconfident? Having a playground at school is a great way for children to develop a stronger and more confident personality. One of the ways children can become more confident in a playground is when they encounter a piece of equipment they are afraid to play with. Children will eventually decide to give this piece of equipment a try and might decide they enjoy playing with this equipment, thus masking them bolder. This is important for the development of a child so that when they are older they will be brave enough to take risks for themselves.
Having a playground in the school can encourage fitness. This will make children more physically active. According to research, playing on equipment or playgrounds lowers the risk of obesity by 42%. This is crucial for the health of kids since obesity rates have increased by more than double in the last two decades. Playgrounds have also proven to build up motor skills which can be beneficial for certain jobs children may have as adults.
Playgrounds can also promote social skills. Having multiple kids together in a small area will lead them to socialise and make new friends. This can be important for an adult to communicate and work with others in the workplace. Making these friends in younger years can build strong relationships. Some of your friends from primary school may end up becoming one of your closest friends in the future.
In sum, old playgrounds injure young children, but building a new playground can help children to strengthen their personalities, aid their health significantly and build strong social skills and relationships.
Overall Score: 17/20
Structure: 10/10
The structure of the persuasive essay is effective and clear. The essay is divided into three main points, each of which is elaborated on and provides evidence and examples to support the argument.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay uses a range of persuasive techniques to effectively make its argument. For example, the use of rhetorical questions (“Are the children at your school timid and unconfident?”) to engage the reader. Additionally, the essay uses emotive language (“Your warm scarlet blood flows down your torn knee”) to evoke an emotional response from the reader, as well as facts and figures (“obesity rates have increased by more than double in the last two decades”) to provide evidence. To further strengthen the persuasive techniques, the essay could include more vivid imagery and use of statistics as evidence. For example, “As the playground equipment crumbles like a forgotten fortress, children are left behind with no opportunity to develop their mind, body and soul.” or “The risk of childhood obesity can be reduced by nearly half with the installation of a playground in school”.
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
The essay makes an effective use of emotional appeal to engage the reader and make its argument. For example, the use of emotive language (“tears of agony, pain and sorrow”) and imagery (“Your warm scarlet blood flows down your torn knee”) to evoke a response from the reader. To further strengthen the emotional appeal, the essay could include more vivid imagery and use of figurative language to paint a picture of the situation. For example, “The playground equipment looks like a ghost of its former self, with rust and disrepair overtaking it like a plague” or “The playground is like a desolate wasteland, barren of any hope or opportunity for the children”.
Figurative Language: 7/10
The essay makes effective use of figurative language (“all the way onto the rough concrete ground”) to paint a vivid picture of the situation. To further strengthen the figurative language, the essay could include more metaphors and similes. For example, “The playground is like a prison, trapping the children in a space of monotony” or “The playground unfortunately resembles a graveyard, with the equipment rotting away like long-forgotten bones”.
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 8/10
The essay has been written with good grammar and syntax, and the vocabulary is varied and appropriate. To further strengthen the grammar, syntax and vocabulary, the essay could include more sophisticated words and phrases. For example, instead of “torn knee”, use “lacerated knee”; instead of “loosely fitted”, use “precariously affixed”; instead of “afraid”, use “timorous”; and instead of “risk”, use “hazard”.
Use of Evidence: 8/10
The essay makes effective use of evidence to support its argument, by citing facts and figures. To further strengthen the use of evidence, the essay could include more references to research and studies to support its argument. For example, “According to a study by the American Academy of Pediatrics, having a playground in school can decrease the risk of childhood obesity by nearly half” or “Research by the American Psychological Association shows that having a playground encourages physical activity and can improve motor skills in children”.
Rewrite:
The playground is an oasis of opportunity, a haven for children to explore and develop their minds, bodies, and souls. Without it, kids are restricted to a digital world of screens and are robbed of the invaluable lessons that come with physical activity.
Although most schools have equipment that is decades old, building a new playground on school grounds is a cost-effective and simple solution to the problem. It can help children to strengthen their personalities, reduce the risk of obesity, and build strong social skills and relationships.
A playground provides children with the opportunity to develop a more confident personality. By facing their fears and attempting to master the equipment, children can become more daring, courageous, and bold. This is an essential foundation for future success, as adults must be willing to take risks and step outside their comfort zone in order to thrive.
Physical activity is essential for a healthy lifestyle and building a playground can significantly reduce the risk of obesity in children. Studies show that having playgrounds in schools lowers the risk of obesity by 42%, which is crucial in the present day, as obesity rates have more than doubled in the last two decades. Additionally, playgrounds can help children build up motor skills, which can be beneficial for certain jobs they may have as adults.
Playgrounds are also beneficial for the development of social skills. By bringing multiple children together in a small area, it encourages them to socialise and make new friends. It helps to create strong relationships, which may be beneficial in the future. Some of the friendships made in primary school may even last a lifetime.
The importance of a playground cannot be understated. It is an opportunity for children to explore, develop their personalities, and build strong social skills that will benefit them in the future. Installing a new playground on campus is a simple and cost-effective solution to help children live healthier, more confident lives.
Exercise Should be Introduced into Schools
As you spring up from your chair and head outdoors, the invigorating air inflates your lungs. Adrenaline surges through your veins, washing away the fatigue. As you start to jog and your arms sway back and forth, you’ve been promised multiple benefits from exercise. This sacred moment doesn’t have to become limited, we can escalate these experiences by implementing them in school routines. Physical exercise has multiple benefits such as maintaining our health, acting as a stress reliever and being essential to our daily activities.
You may have once woke up with an immalleable spine or your eyes seem to be spinning in your eye sockets? Physical activity has been known to improve your health. Drinking milk or sleeping longer can make you grow taller, but physical exercise isn’t not capable. When you exercise, your body is developing, growing stronger which makes you prone to many more injuries. Do you want to be vulnerable to broken bones and wheelchairs? Physical exercise can also replace the unneeded fat with strong muscles. You burn calories and earn a muscular, pumping heart and intense red lungs. When you exercise, you’re helping your body to adapt to vigorous activity. Your heart will grow stronger which will result in less beats per minute. You won’t feel as tired and drowsy as easily. You would want the school to be healthy, especially students who are in their prime moments of growth and development. Impregnable bones, a drumming heart and inflating and deflating lungs is only a morsel of what exercise has to offer.
Physical exercise is the key for the head of students just like it is to the hearts. You might think the first steps are impossible but soon students will be depending on it as the driver for their life. Regular exercise to a young person’s body can result in remarkable changes. Exercise has the ability to provide stimulation and calmness, exhilarate and relax, counter depression and dissipate stress. You may ask where’s the link between exercise and me calming down. In a research conducted by the Harvard Health Publishing, it said that the mental benefits have something to do with neurochemical basis. Exercise reduces the level of stress hormones in the body such as adrenaline and cortisol. It also stimulates the production of endorphins, chemicals in the brain which act like natural painkillers and trusty mood elevators. A hilarious joke can’t even do better than a nice jog in the park. Endorphins are the main reason why you would feel relaxed or settled after exercise, or it might be a warm shower after all that fitness. If students did daily exercise maybe before classes, they can feel revived and be able to concentrate.
There are also some immediate benefits from physical exercise. Frequent physical exercise can help keep your thinking, learning and judgement skills as sharp as a knife tip as you age. This is because when you do any physical activity on a daily basis, it causes enough blood to flow to the brain. This will fire up your neurons and make brain cells multiply. This normally happens in the hippocampus where all your information is bestowed. This means that just less than 30 minutes of exercise can cause you to concentrate better and focus on your learning. Research done by UCL has proven that when exercising, it releases proteins to the brain and specifically, the hippocampus. This is because the hippocampus is extremely responsive to these essential proteins. This can help with better memory. So when a student might be trying to remember something, a little bit of exercise could be the key.
You might think that exercising only tires a students brain and makes their muscles all tense up; however, that’s not true. In fact, exercise on a daily basis for a student can result in a healthier body, the feeling that they can concentrate and feel relaxed and adapt to many new skills. As you can see, if daily exercise was introduced to a students schedule, it should be followed because it has so much to benefit for the school and students.
Overall Score: 16/20
Structure: 8/10
The structure of this persuasive essay is well organized and easy to follow. The writer uses a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the body could benefit from more transitions between the paragraphs. For example, instead of simply beginning a new paragraph, the writer could use phrases such as “Additionally,” “Furthermore,” and “Moreover” to better connect the various points of the essay.
Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
This persuasive essay contains a variety of persuasive techniques, such as rhetorical questions and facts and statistics. For example, the writer asks “Do you want to be vulnerable to broken bones and wheelchairs?” to create a sense of urgency. Additionally, the writer includes a statistic from a Harvard Health Publishing research study to back up their argument. However, the essay could benefit from more vivid language and powerful word choice. For example, instead of “implementing them in school routines”, the writer could say “infusing physical exercise into the school curriculum.”
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
The writer successfully evokes emotion throughout the essay. For instance, they draw on the reader’s fear of injury by asking “Do you want to be vulnerable to broken bones and wheelchairs?” Additionally, the writer creates a sense of urgency and hope by suggesting that physical exercise can provide “stimulation and calmness, exhilarate and relax, counter depression and dissipate stress.” The essay could benefit from stronger language to further emphasize the emotional appeal. For example, instead of “you’ve been promised multiple benefits from exercise”, the writer could say “you’ve been promised a bounty of benefits from exercise.”
Figurative Language: 7/10
The writer effectively uses figurative language to evoke emotion and create imagery. For example, the writer says “the invigorating air inflates your lungs” to create a vivid image and the phrase “sharp as a knife tip” to emphasize the importance of physical exercise. However, the essay could benefit from more figurative language. For example, instead of “it has so much to benefit for the school and students”, the writer could say “it has so much to offer the school and students.”
Grammar: 8/10
The grammar in this persuasive essay is mostly correct, with only a few minor errors. The writer uses correct punctuation and sentence structure. However, there are some incorrect word choices, such as “Impregnable bones” and “it might be a warm shower after all that fitness.” Additionally, the writer could use a few more commas to improve the clarity of the essay.
Syntax: 8/10
The syntax in this persuasive essay is mostly correct, with only a few minor errors. The writer uses a variety of sentence lengths and structures, which helps create a natural flow to the essay. However, there are a few sentences that could use more clarity, such as “This sacred moment doesn’t have to become limited, we can escalate these experiences by implementing them in school routines.” Additionally, the writer could use more complex sentence structures to create a more sophisticated tone.
Use of Evidence: 7/10
The writer uses evidence to support their argument, such as facts and statistics. For example, the writer cites a Harvard Health Publishing research study and a research conducted by UCL. However, the writer could benefit from using more evidence to strengthen their argument.
Vocabulary: 8/10
The writer effectively uses a variety of words and phrases to communicate their argument. For example, the writer uses “inflating and deflating lungs” and “pumping heart” to create imagery. However, the essay could benefit from more sophisticated and powerful words and phrases. For example, instead of “vulnerable”, the writer could use “susceptible”.
Vocab List:
Impregnable – Invulnerable
Vulnerable – Susceptible
Tired – Exhausted
Calmness – Serenity
Relax – Unwind
Depression – Despondency
Stress – Anguish
Focus – Concentrate
Essential – Imperative
Heartbeat – Palpitation
Adapt – Acclimate
Neurons – Nerve cells
Physical exercise has become an integral part of a student’s daily routine, providing immense benefits to ensure they remain in peak physical and mental condition. As one steps out of their door, the invigorating air floods their lungs, instantly infusing them with energy. Adrenaline courses through their veins, instantly washing away any traces of fatigue. Through the rhythmic swinging of their arms and the pounding of their feet, an individual is promised a bounty of rewards.
By regularly engaging in physical activity, the body is able to develop, becoming more resilient and less susceptible to injury and illness. In addition to this, exercising helps burn away any unwanted fat, cultivating bulging muscles and a powerful heart. Moreover, regular exercise can help improve the body’s ability to cope with physical activity, leading to fewer beats per minute and less exhaustion. These invaluable benefits should be emphasised within schools, as it can help students grow and develop, allowing them to reach their peak potential.
Exercise also has an immense effect on the mind, providing a plethora of mental benefits. Through exercise, the level of stress hormones in the body, such as adrenaline and cortisol, are reduced. In addition, endorphins are released in the brain, giving an individual an incredible sense of relief and a euphoric mood. These endorphins provide a much more effective remedy for stress than a joke or a warm shower. Therefore, if students exercise before classes, it can help them to concentrate and stay focused.
Furthermore, engaging in physical activity can help to sharpen one’s cognitive abilities. As the body moves, the mind sharpens and the neurons are fired. This leads to an increase in one’s ability to think, learn and judge. This is due to the increase in blood flow to the brain, which can help to accelerate the growth of nerve cells in the hippocampus, where all information is stored. As little as 30 minutes of exercise can help one to concentrate better and maintain focus on their studies.
It is evident that physical exercise is an essential part of a student’s daily routine, as it can help to keep them in peak physical and mental condition. Through regular exercise, an individual can become more resilient, less susceptible to injury, and cultivate a powerful heart. Exercise can also help to reduce stress, increase one’s ability to think and learn, and maintain focus. Therefore, physical exercise should be a core part of a student’s daily routine, as it can help them to reach their peak potential and unlock incredible mental and physical benefits.
Part 1: The Importance of Installing a New Playground
I wander around aimlessly at the park, looking around for new equipment. There is none, which makes this park so boring. There is only grass, grass and more grass. This is why I hate going to the park. Yet my mother makes me and my friends have playdates here. She says it is good for me.
There has been a debate going on: should we have a new playground or not?
The answer is crystal clear. We should. You can improve your skills and your physical health, which are important for life. This means that having a new playground will be very beneficial for our campus. Not only this, but we need to have a variety of equipment, for little kids, or else they will come disappointed to the playground.
You can practise skills at the playground. When playing around, you can actually learn crucial development skills, like decision making skills, leadership roles, collaboration, and other valuable skills. This means that you can learn all sorts of things when playing or mucking around at the playground.
Not only this, but you can also help your physical health. According to Dr. Ratey, physical activity in school found on a playground, as it can improve attention, decrease stress and anxiety, and prepares students to learn. It also improves motivation, as it helps kids try things they might not normally be inclined to try. These are enormous benefits for us.
There is also a need for different types of equipment when it comes to playgrounds. When you are just a tiny kid, even a Year three grader looks at least five times your height! Even the lowest climbing frame is twice your height! What is the point of going to the playground when you can’t do anything enjoyable? That is why we should have different varieties of equipment.
In conclusion, playgrounds are a must. We must invest in the power of skills, the gift of health and the magic of varieties. Equipements will provide better health and education for children, young and old, which will be a benefit for our community. So let’s make the wise choice for our campus and have a new playground, which can lead to a better future.
Part 2: The Importance of Physical Exercise
I am in the gym. Doing a variety of exercise activities, such as squats, planks, bench presses, and more. I am getting fitter by the minute, and exercise is why. Did you know that it can give you immediate benefits, improve your weight, your health, and lots of other benefits? Physical exercise is very good for you.
Do you think exercise is good for you? Well, according to numerous sources on the internet, they all agree that exercise is good for you, your health, and your bones. There are many reasons to back it up. You can improve brain health, your weight management, reduce health risk, strengthen your bones, etc. etc. These are all benefits of physical exercise, which means that surely exercise is good for you.
It can reduce health risk. Risks include cardiovascular disease, type two diabetes, metabolic syndrome, and some cancers. According to cdc.gov, when you get at least 150 minutes a week of physical activity can put you at a lower risk for these listed diseases. Physical activity can also reduce your blood pressure and cholesterol levels. This means that physical exercise can reduce your health risks.
It can strengthen your bones. Muscle-strengthening activities like lifting weights can help you increase or maintain your muscle mass and strength, according to cdc.gov. Any type of muscle-strengthening activities are good for you, no matter what age you are, young or old. This means that physical exercise can strengthen your bones.
Not only this, but it can give you immediate benefits. These benefits include better brain health, improved thinking, judgement skills, and all sorts of other things. It can also reduce your depression and anxiety, meaning that it can also give mental benefits. This means that physical exercise also has mental benefits.
Ultimately, the answer is clear: physical health is very good for you. It has immediate benefits, reduces health risks, strengthens bones, and lots of other good benefits. These benefits are a key part of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. When you are doing exercise, you can lead yourself on the better path: the path to a better future.
Overall Score: 19/20
Structure: 18/20
The structure of this persuasive essay is solid. The author has used a logical structure to make their argument, beginning with an introduction, then moving on to body paragraphs that explore the benefits of having a new playground and concluding with a summarizing statement. However, the introduction could be improved by providing more context and background information. For example, “For years, my community has been debating whether to install a new playground on our school campus. This is an important question, as it will have a direct impact on the physical and mental health of our children, young and old.”
Persuasive Techniques: 18/20
The author has used persuasive techniques to make their argument. For example, they have used strong language to emphasize their point, such as “The answer is crystal clear” and “Equipments will provide better health and education for children, young and old, which will be a benefit for our community.” However, the author could use more emotionally charged language to make their argument more convincing. For example, “The playground is not just a place for children to play; it’s an opportunity for them to learn and grow in ways that will benefit them in the future.”
Emotional Appeal: 19/20
The author has used emotionally charged language throughout the essay, such as “This is why I hate going to the park” and “even a Year three grader looks at least five times your height!”. However, they could use more emotionally evocative language to make their argument more powerful. For example, “The playground offers our children a chance to experience the joy of play in a safe and secure environment, where they can explore their imaginations and discover the power of their own minds.”
Figurative Language: 17/20
The author has used some figurative language to make their point. For example, they have used the phrase “The answer is crystal clear” to emphasize the importance of the issue. However, they could use more metaphors and similes to make their argument more powerful. For example, “The playground is like a garden where children can explore and grow.”
Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary: 20/20
The author has used correct grammar and syntax throughout the essay. Their vocabulary is also appropriate for the topic. However, they could use more sophisticated words and phrases to make their argument more powerful. For example, they could use the words “confer” instead of “provide” and “implicit” instead of “direct”.
Use of Evidence: 18/20
The author has used evidence to support their argument, such as quoting Dr. Ratey’s research. However, they could use more evidence to make their argument stronger, such as providing statistics on the physical and mental health benefits of playgrounds.
Vocabulary List:
Provide – Confer
Direct – Implicit
Hate – Detest
Beneficial – Advantageous
Mucking – Frolicking
Inclined – Disposed
Enormous – Substantial
Power – Potency
Explore – Delve
For years, my community has been debating whether to install a new playground on our school campus. This is an important question, as it will have a direct impact on the physical and mental health of our children, young and old. The answer is crystal clear: we should install a new playground. Not only will it improve our skills and physical health, it can also teach us valuable life-long lessons.
On the playground, children can learn crucial development skills, such as decision making, leadership roles, collaboration, and more. Physical activity on a playground can also improve attention, decrease stress and anxiety, and prepare students to learn. It also encourages kids to try new things, which can help motivate them.
Moreover, playgrounds must provide a variety of equipment, for little kids and big kids alike. Otherwise, they will come away feeling disappointed. When children are small, even the lowest climbing frame looks five times their height! How are they supposed to enjoy the playground if they can’t participate in the activities? That is why it is essential to have a variety of equipment that caters to all ages and sizes.
In conclusion, playgrounds are a must. The potential benefits they bring to our community – in terms of skills and health – are substantial. They offer a safe and secure environment for our children to explore and grow, learn and develop. It is a chance for our children to discover the power of their own minds and experience the joy of play. Investing in a new playground is a wise choice for our campus and it can lead to a better future for us all.
Overall score: 17/20
Structure: 7/10
The structure of the passage is effective in that it has a clear introduction, body and conclusion. The passage could be improved by providing better transitions between the paragraphs, as well as a more effective conclusion. For example, the passage could end with a call to action, or by highlighting the key points of the essay.
Persuasive Techniques: 5/5
The persuasive techniques used in the passage are effective and make use of strong language to convey the author’s message. For example, the author uses strong words like “immediate benefits” and “lower risk” to emphasize the importance of physical exercise. The author could also use more powerful words to further strengthen their argument, such as “dramatically reduce” or “significant benefits”.
Emotional Appeal: 3/5
The passage makes use of emotional language to appeal to the reader, but this could be improved. The author could make use of more powerful words and phrases to evoke a stronger emotional response in the reader. For example, instead of “improve your weight”, the author could use “drastically improve your weight”.
Figurative Language: 3/5
The passage makes use of simple figurative language, such as “fitter by the minute” and “path to a better future”. This could be improved by making use of more sophisticated and emotionally evocative figurative language, such as “transformation beyond recognition” and “road to redemption”.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 4/4
The grammar and syntax of the passage is correct and the use of evidence is effective. The author could improve the vocabulary by making use of more sophisticated words and phrases. For example, instead of “good”, the author could use “remarkable” or “staggering”.
Vocab List:
Immediate benefits – Instantaneous benefits
Improve – Enhance/Expedite
Weight management – Weight loss/Weight gain
Reduce health risk – Minimise/Eliminate health risk
Strengthen bones – Reinforce/Fortify bones
Better brain health – Improved cognitive wellbeing
Thinking, judgement skills – Intellect/Judgement
Reduce depression and anxiety – Alleviate depression and anxiety
Lead yourself on the better path – Embark on a more prosperous journey
Physical exercise is an integral part of a student’s daily routine. From strengthening bones to improving brain health, physical activity offers numerous advantages that are far-reaching and long-lasting. It can dramatically reduce one’s risk of cardiovascular disease, type two diabetes, metabolic syndrome, and some cancers. Furthermore, physical exercise can help to alleviate depression and anxiety, as well as assisting with weight management.
Incorporating physical exercise into one’s daily routine can be life-changing. With just 150 minutes of physical activity per week, one is able to significantly reduce their risk of the aforementioned diseases, and expedite their weight loss journey. Moreover, muscle-strengthening activities like lifting weights can help to fortify one’s bones, regardless of age. Moreover, physical exercise can also offer mental benefits, such as improved intellect and judgement.
It is clear that physical exercise is essential for a healthy lifestyle. It has instantaneous benefits, can minimise health risks, reinforce bones, and lots of other remarkable benefits. These benefits are key to leading a more prosperous life, and when one is doing exercise, they can transform beyond recognition. Exercise is not just beneficial for physical health, but mental health as well, and it should be a staple part of any student’s daily routine.
You shake your head in dismay as you walk through the dilapidated playground. Rusted monkey bars, unmovable merry-go-rounds and broken swing sets are all that you can see. You think back to your younger years. When the playground was just built. How it was the fountain of fun for the kids. You are just visiting the campus, seeing how much it had improved. Though, quite the opposite happened. You look at the kids having their lunch in the run-down playground. Their looks of disappointment as they try and try again to make the play ground equipment work, but to no avail. You see their downcast eyes as they sit back down with nothing better to do. This is not what it is meant to look like. When the question comes, should we build a new playground, the answer becomes crystal clear.
We must make sure kids are able to enjoy their time on campus with a new playground. In fact, playing on a playground outside is so beneficial, it has been proven to lower anxiety! It also helps improve your immune system, allowing you to spend less time sick. Playing on a playground can also help with resilience because interactions in play can help them be more emotionally aware. Physical activities like playing on a playground is proven to alleviate symptoms of stress, depression and many more! Mental health benefits are great, but only a sliver of what a new playground can offer.
Something else a new playground can offer is physical benefits. Children don’t go to the gym. The only way they can get enough exercise is by playing on a playground. Children can also further enhance their hand-eye coordination through gross motor activties like swinging your arm at the right angle to catch onto a monkey bar. Play has also been found to decrease risk of obesity.
Clearly now that you see the obvious physical and mental benefits of a new playground, the answer is unmistakable. We must improve the mental and physical life of of the people on our campus. We must construct a new playground.
Overall Score: 18/20
Structure: 16/20
The essay has an effective structure with a clear introduction, body and conclusion. However, the introduction does not draw the reader in. It does not contain a hook to engage the reader. Additionally, the paragraphs in the body could be further developed to include more detail and examples. For example, the sentence: “Playing on a playground can also help with resilience because interactions in play can help them be more emotionally aware” does not include any examples of how playing on a playground can help with resilience.
Suggested improvement:
-Start the introduction with a hook such as: ‘As you walk through the run-down playground, you can’t help but feel a sense of dismay at the sight of the rusty monkey bars, unmovable merry-go-rounds and broken swing sets’.
-Include examples in the body to support your argument, such as: ‘Playing on the playground encourages the development of social skills and communication which can build resilience and help children become more emotionally aware’.
Persuasive Techniques: 17/20
The essay makes use of persuasive techniques such as ethos, logos and pathos. For example, the sentence: “Mental health benefits are great, but only a sliver of what a new playground can offer” appeals to the reader’s emotions and convinces them of the importance of building a new playground. However, the essay could benefit from further use of persuasive techniques, such as providing more evidence to support the argument.
Suggested improvement:
-Include further evidence to support the argument, such as: ‘Studies have found that children who play on a playground on a regular basis have improved physical and mental wellbeing, with improved concentration, better behaviour, and greater feelings of happiness’.
-Utilise the technique of repetition to make the argument more convincing, such as: ‘It is essential that we build a new playground, not only for the physical benefits it provides, but also for the mental benefits it can offer’.
Emotional Appeal: 18/20
The essay effectively utilises an emotional appeal to convince the reader of the importance of building a new playground. The sentences “You look at the kids having their lunch in the run-down playground. Their looks of disappointment as they try and try again to make the play ground equipment work, but to no avail” and “We must make sure kids are able to enjoy their time on campus with a new playground” successfully evoke an emotional response from the reader. However, the essay could benefit from further emotional appeal to make the argument more compelling.
Suggested improvement:
-Include further emotional language to draw the reader in, such as: ‘The sight of children playing in a run-down playground, with its broken swing sets and unmovable merry-go-rounds, is heartbreaking’.
-Provide further evidence to appeal to the reader’s emotion, such as: ‘The improved physical and mental wellbeing that a new playground can offer will not only benefit the children now, but also equip them with the skills they need to lead a healthier and happier life in the future’.
Figurative Language: 17/20
The essay uses figurative language to make the argument more compelling. For example, the sentence: “Their looks of disappointment as they try and try again to make the play ground equipment work, but to no avail” successfully creates a vivid image in the reader’s mind. However, the essay could benefit from further use of figurative language to make the argument more powerful.
Suggested improvement:
-Include further figurative language, such as: ‘The playground is a desolate place, with rusting monkey bars and broken swing sets standing as a reminder of its past glory’.
-Utilise similes to make the argument more persuasive, such as: ‘The playground is like a ghost town, with its broken equipment and deserted grounds’.
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 17/20
The essay is grammatically correct and displays a good command of the English language. The sentences are well-constructed and use a range of vocabulary. However, the essay could benefit from more sophisticated vocabulary. Additionally, a few of the sentences could be further developed to make the argument more persuasive.
Suggested improvement:
-Replace words and phrases with more sophisticated alternatives, such as replacing ‘try and try again’ with ‘persevere’ and ‘downcast eyes’ with ‘glum eyes’.
-Develop sentences to make the argument more persuasive, such as replacing ‘It is essential that we build a new playground’ with ‘It is essential that we construct a new playground to ensure children on our campus have access to the physical and mental benefits it can offer’.
Use of Evidence: 17/20
The essay provides evidence to support the argument, such as “Physical activities like playing on a playground is proven to alleviate symptoms of stress, depression and many more!”. However, the essay could benefit from further evidence to make the argument more compelling.
Suggested improvement:
-Include further evidence to support the argument, such as: ‘Playing on a playground can help children build self-confidence and develop problem-solving skills which will help them contribute to society in the future’.
-Provide evidence from research to make the evidence more compelling, such as: ‘Research has found that outdoor play can reduce children’s stress levels and improve their concentration’.
Vocabulary List:
-Dilapidated: decrepit
-Fountain of fun: wellspring of joy
-Downcast eyes: glum eyes
-Improved: advanced
-Alleviate: assuage
-Resilience: fortitude
-Gross motor activities: physical activities
-Obesity: overweight
-Persuasive techniques: rhetorical strategies
-Emotional appeal: stirring language
-Figurative language: figurative speech
-Grammar, syntax and vocabulary: linguistic proficiency
-Evidence: data
Rewrite:
As you stroll through the dilapidated playground, you can’t help but feel a sense of dismay at the sight of the rusty monkey bars, unmovable merry-go-rounds and broken swing sets. You think back to when the playground was first built and how it was the wellspring of joy for the children. You are now visiting the campus, seeing how much it has regressed. Despite their attempts to make the playground equipment work, you can see the glum eyes of the kids as they sit back down with nothing better to do. It is clear that we must build a new playground for the children on our campus, not only for the physical benefits it provides, but also for the mental benefits it can offer.
Studies have found that children who regularly play on a playground have improved physical and mental wellbeing, with improved concentration, better behaviour, and greater feelings of happiness. It also helps boost their immune system, allowing them to spend less time sick. Moreover, playing on a playground encourages the development of social skills and communication which can build resilience and help children become more emotionally aware. The improved physical and mental wellbeing that a new playground can offer will not only benefit the children now, but also equip them with the skills they need to lead a healthier and happier life in the future.
The sight of children playing in a run-down playground, with its broken swing sets and unmovable merry-go-rounds, is heartbreaking. It is essential that we construct a new playground to ensure children on our campus have access to the physical and mental benefits it can offer. With its improved equipment and well-maintained grounds, the new playground will be a place of refuge, a place where children can persevere, build self-confidence and develop problem-solving skills. A place where children can run, jump and play, to their heart’s content, without worry or stress.
It is essential that we build a new playground to provide children with the physical and mental benefits it can offer. Research has found that outdoor play can reduce children’s stress levels and improve their concentration. The improved physical and mental wellbeing that a new playground can offer will not only benefit the children now, but also equip them with the skills they need to lead a healthier and happier life in the future. We must make sure children on our campus have access to the physical and mental benefits that a new playground can offer, so that they can experience the joy and freedom of play.
Part 1:
hello! I can’t seem to clearly see your homework. It would be much appreciated if you submit again in a Microsoft word doc or PDF file. Thank you and have a great day!
My Writing
Week 7 Scholarship Zoom Writing Homework_PacoL
Overall Score: 17/20
Structure: This persuasive essay is well structured and follows a logical order. The introduction sets the stage for the essay with a vivid description of a disappointing situation, and the conclusion brings the essay to a close by summarizing the main points and end with a rhetorical question. However, the essay could benefit from a stronger transition between the body paragraphs. For example, instead of saying “There are no disadvantages that a playground possesses, and the benefits are infinite”, the author could say “The advantages of having a playground on campus far outweigh any potential drawbacks.” In addition, the essay could provide more evidence to support the points made in the body paragraphs.
Persuasive Techniques: This essay effectively utilizes persuasive techniques to make a strong case for the installation of a playground on campus. For example, the author states “The combination of physical activity, outdoor weather, and the novelty of a new experience all combine to encourage the production of dopamine, also called the feel-good hormone, a neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of happiness and delight.” This sentence effectively uses an appeal to emotion to persuade the reader. Additionally, the author effectively cites evidence when making claims, such as “These essential skills will assist them in all aspects of life, whilst also preventing injuries, obesity, and other health concerns that can arise later in life.” However, the essay could benefit from more use of rhetorical questions and persuasive language. For example, instead of saying “Playing in playgrounds can help children develop their strength and fitness”, the author could say “What better way to develop physical strength and fitness than to play in a playground?”
Emotional Appeal: The essay effectively utilizes emotional appeal to persuade the reader. For instance, the author states “The ultimate happiness that can result from playing in playgrounds is phenomenal.” This sentence uses an appeal to emotion to evoke feelings of joy in the reader. Additionally, the essay effectively uses vivid imagery to create a sense of empathy in the reader. For example, the author states “Pain beyond words. Nothing could repair the hole made by the eternal disappointment of the absence of a playground.” This sentence effectively uses imagery to create a sense of empathy in the reader. However, the essay could benefit from more use of figurative language to create more powerful emotional appeal.
Figurative Language: This essay effectively employs figurative language to create a powerful emotional appeal. For example, the author states “The second a child begins playing on playground equipment, no matter whether it’s that first ride down a plastic slide or an exciting scramble up a ladder, they experience an immediate increase in feelings of joy.” This sentence effectively uses a metaphor to evoke feelings of joy in the reader. Additionally, the author effectively uses personification to create a sense of empathy in the reader. For instance, the author states “Children rise each day with a tremendous amount of energy and enthusiasm.” This sentence effectively uses personification to create a sense of empathy in the reader. However, the essay could benefit from more use of similes and metaphors to create a more powerful emotional appeal.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence, and Vocabulary: This essay effectively utilizes grammar, syntax, and evidence to support its points. The author effectively uses evidence to support their claims, such as “Playgrounds open growing minds to a world of discovery away from the screen.” This sentence effectively uses evidence to support the claim that playgrounds are beneficial for children. Additionally, the author effectively utilizes grammar and syntax to communicate their ideas clearly. For example, the author states “This will help boost their mood overall and will give many children the extreme pleasure of it.” This sentence effectively uses grammar and syntax to communicate the idea clearly. However, the essay could benefit from more use of sophisticated vocabulary. For example, instead of saying “Playgrounds are the perfect place for children to exert this energy productively”, the author could say “Playgrounds are the optimal place for children to expend this energy constructively.”
Vocab List:
– Disappointment (discouragement)
– Phenomenal (extraordinary)
– Increase (augment)
– Feelings of joy (sense of pleasure)
– Essential (crucial)
– Challenges (tests)
– Establishing (forming)
– Acceptance (acknowledgement)
– Communicate (converse)
– Exert (expend)
– Constructively (productively)
– Optimally (perfectly)
A playground is a crucial part of any school campus. It provides students with the extraordinary opportunity to augment their physical capabilities, mental health and social skills.
The second students begin playing on the playground equipment, whether it’s a first ride down a plastic slide or an exciting scramble up a ladder, they feel an immediate sense of pleasure. The combination of physical activity, outdoor weather and the novelty of a new experience all combine to encourage the production of dopamine, also called the feel-good hormone, a neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of happiness and delight. No matter what mood a child was in before they arrived, the simple act of playing on the playground will help encourage them to enjoy a sense of happiness and excitement. This will help boost their mood overall and will give many children the extreme pleasure of it.
Playing in playgrounds can help children develop their strength and fitness. What better way to develop physical strength and fitness than to play in a playground? Playgrounds open growing minds to a world of discovery away from the screen. Children develop coordination, strength and motor skills in the playground. These crucial skills will assist them in all aspects of life, whilst also preventing injuries, obesity, and other health concerns that can arise later in life. Children are filled with tremendous amounts of energy and enthusiasm each day. Playgrounds are the optimal place for children to expend this energy constructively, rather than destructively.
At playgrounds, children can also experience other children and make very good friends. Cooperation and collaboration are key social benefits of playgrounds. Children learn to communicate, share and work together, whilst forming new and exciting friendships. Playgrounds encourage a sense of community spirit amongst children from a young age and allow parents to connect and engage with each other. Children are encouraged to learn acknowledgement and compassion and will develop the skills and confidence needed to converse effectively. This can help them greatly in their later life when they need to communicate with colleagues, family, and even strangers.
The advantages of having a playground on campus far outweigh any potential drawbacks. Installing a playground will not only provide students with a safe place to play and exercise, but also with a place to learn and grow. A playground will foster a sense of joy and togetherness, an invaluable lesson for all students. What would be the pain of working so hard at school, only to find an empty field? Remember, if you were that hard-working little boy, how would you feel?
OVERALL SCORE: 18/20
STRUCTURE: The structure of this essay is solid. It includes a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. It adequately presents logical evidence in each of the body paragraphs and is logically organized. However, it is advised to add a few more transitions between each of the body paragraphs to ensure a smooth, cohesive flow of ideas.
PERSUASIVE TECHNIQUES: This essay makes an effective use of persuasive techniques. It uses a range of techniques, including facts and figures, personal anecdotes, and emotional appeals. For example, the essay states, “Exercising regularly can have a positive effect on your mood by relieving the tension, anxiety, anger, and mild depression that often go together with stress.” This is an effective use of an emotional appeal to convince readers of the importance of exercise. Furthermore, the essay could be improved by using more sophisticated language to enhance the persuasive power of the essay. For example, instead of stating “It can help boost your confidence levels”, one could say, “It can elevate one’s self-assurance.”
EMOTIONAL APPEAL: This essay successfully uses emotional appeal to convince readers of the importance of exercise. For example, it states, “Physical activity can help lower your overall stress levels and improve your quality of life, both mentally and physically.” This effectively elicits a feeling of empathy among readers, thus inspiring them to take action. Moreover, the essay could be improved by using more emotionally powerful words and phrases that evoke a stronger emotional response from readers. For example, instead of stating “Students often get bullied for their appearance and weight”, one could say, “Students often experience ostracism for their physical form.”
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: This essay does not make use of figurative language. However, it could be improved by incorporating metaphors and similes to make the essay more interesting and engaging. For example, instead of stating “Physical activity can help take your mind off your worries”, one could say, “Physical activity can act like a balm, numbing the worries and anxieties of life.”
GRAMMAR, SYNTAX, AND VOCABULARY: The grammar and syntax of this essay are mostly accurate. The author uses a variety of vocabulary, and the sentences are well-constructed. However, the essay could be further improved by using sophisticated words and phrases that are more evocative and emotionally powerful. For example, instead of using the phrase “smash through the obstacles”, one could say, “overcome the impediments” or “vanquish the hindrances”.
USE OF EVIDENCE: This essay effectively uses evidence to support its argument. It includes facts and figures, personal anecdotes, and emotional appeals. For example, it states, “Exercise increases blood flow to the brain.” This supports the essay’s argument and provides scientific evidence for its claims.
Physical exercise is an undeniable part of a student’s daily routine, as it brings forth boundless benefits for any individual. Exercise can act as a balm, numbing the worries and anxieties of life, and it can elevate one’s self-assurance. It can reduce stress and improve the quality of sleep, while also increasing the production of feel-good hormones like endorphins. Exercise can also help enhance memory by increasing the production of molecules important to brain function and forming new synapses that facilitate learning and memory. Furthermore, exercise can even help students combat bullying, as it can improve their social picture. All in all, physical exercise is a necessity and not just a luxury. It can aid students in many ways, from improving their mental and physical health to better memorising facts and formulas during tests. Therefore, it is paramount that students make exercise a part of their daily routine, as it will undoubtedly grant them a better quality of life.
Part 2:
Physical Excercise is Important for Students
A New Playground Should Be Installed in the Campus
I am filled with righteous anger and a sense of urgency as I am shocked at the dilapidated devastating destruction of the playground. The horrendous, derelict playground stood lifeless. Only ragged traces of fragmented poles remained in the dirty ramshackle place – sharp spears jutting out of rotting bars as if they had been gnawed by hundreds of starving rats. Dark, obsidian rust spread across the metal bars like mould on bread. It felt sinister – it was the type of place that made people quicken their steps as they passed. The graveyard flashes its gloomy ominous eyes and devilish, malicious intimidating jaws at you, thirsty to devour its next innocent prey. Glancing to the side benches, a myriad of innocent souls show a look of misery for their injury. This is a call to action. A dire situation. A beacon of change.
Should we install a new playground on the campus? The answer is ubiquitously clear. It is vital that we install a new playground on the campus.
The deteriorated playground can give us unsettling feelings of pain. The harsh concrete in some playgrounds, or the high monkey bars increase the risk of unnecessary. According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, each year, more than 200,000 children ages 14 and younger go to hospital emergency departments with injuries associated with playground equipment. More than 20,000 of these children are treated for a traumatic brain injury, including concussion. Public playgrounds and schools account for 76% of injuries. Male children make up 62% of children killed on playground equipment. 46% of injuries are to children between the ages of 10 and 14. 49% of head and face injuries occur to children four years and younger. All these afflictions on children are caused by the crumbling, unmaintained rundown. By building a new playground, the results of injuries can dramatically decrease.
My heart burns with sadness as I imagine children’s eyes glued tight to the newest video game in the market. Patiently shielding their eyes from the glaring sun and waiting for the lunch bell to ring. We are leaving kids to rot in the icy coldness of the indoors, and slowly fresh air and an azure sky will be a past dream for them. Kids in the modern 21st century cling onto addictive electronic devices. However, this is not healthy for kids and we must help them to grasp the outside world and exercise. Playgrounds are an enjoyable method for kids to exercise, helping them to enjoy playing outside with their peers. For example, students’ motor skills were improved by 53.7 percent when exposed to playgrounds. They found it easier to learn athletic movements and new sports compared to those who did not, finding it easier for them to do many activities that those who did not participate in sport. This is a valuable skill that we should value and embrace along with installing a new playground in the campus.
A new cleverly and safely designed playground would institute a strong sense of creativity, exercise and friendship. A necessity we must not overlook for the wellbeing of the children. More often than not, kids find it much easier to socialise and make friends when everyone is having fun. Fun is perhaps the cornerstone on which children establish all further learning upon, including communication skills, empathy, patience, sharing and socialising. And an enticing playground can easily help kids find a way to make true friendships and collaborate with each other through the power of play. Kids will learn to value friendship and develop positive connections with each other while naturally having fun. As such a new and purposeful and well maintained playground would be paramount for this to occur. A place where life-long friendship can be created. A place where laughter and fun and fitness can be enjoyed. A place where physical fitness can be exercised.
A well-designed playground with a purpose could be the school’s answer for inspiring a happy generation of students. It would establish a strong sense of community, reduce the amount of injuries each year and supply children with an enjoyable way to exercise. Should we install a new playground on the campus? The answer is ubiquitously clear. Adding one would be the best choice for the campus and school community. Let us come together to build a brighter future for our community as one. Let us have reason to connect and enjoy our surroundings. Let us put the community first and let us all benefit from the installation of a much needed new playground.
Word count: 769
Reading your article has greatly helped me, and I agree with you. But I still have some questions. Can you help me? I will pay attention to your answer. thank you.