Scholarship G1 W8 Writing

63 thoughts on “Scholarship G1 W8 Writing”

1. 

   xuhower

   9 February 2023 at 7:53 pm

   As you prepare to go to bed at 3am, you look in the mirror, the bright bathroom lights blinding your exhausted eyes. To your horror, your eyes are lined with dark rings of sleep deprivation, and although your eyes are blurry from so much blue-light exposure, you see deep-red blood vessels lining your eyeballs. Not only can social media hurt your appearances, but the monster can also attack your back and neck due to the hours on the screen caused by addiction. Social media is absolutely detrimental to our health, leads to the inevitable cyberbullying and can separate friends and family.

   Most of us have probably stared at a phone screen – or just any screen too long, sucked in by social media, and felt sores in our eyes and body, or other uncomfortable feelings somewhere. Blue light, or HUV light, is the main culprit. Given that sunlight is the main source of HUV light, exposure to it is frequently comparable to exposure to the sun. For humans, another equal source are our devices or phones. When we look at social media, as mentioned above, addiction can cause us to lose track of time, making our eyes more tired from this blue light. Because our eyes are not particularly excellent at blocking HUV light, prolonged exposure to blue light may destroy retinal cells and create problems with vision, such as age-related macular degeneration. The chance of cataracts, eye cancer, and growths on the translucent layer that covers the white part of the eye may also rise. According to National Eye Institute vision study, children are more at risk than adults because their eyes absorb more blue light from digital gadgets. Therefore, if social media is blocked, then most of us wouldn’t find phones so interesting anymore, eventually leading to less problems linked with devices.

   Did you know that over 37% of all children have experienced cyberbullying, and around 30% have gone through it more than once? This is a large problem in our contemporary world. Cyberbullying occurs mainly on social media and is when one person is targeted or made fun of by another. It is easier to get away with than normal bullying, since it can be anonymous, leading to no evidence of someone being the bully. Because of that, it occurs really frequently. When one is cyber-bullied, there’s not that much they can do about it, and with the frustrations, they are more likely to get depression or anxiety. Also, like normal bullying, many have a sense of powerlessness and low self-esteem due to all the negative things they heard. Some may even commit to self-harm because after so much persuading from the unknown bully, they believe that they are as bad or as useless as said. Although normal bullying still might happen, we can just step up to a trusted adult and consult their advice on what we can do. After all, the bully isn’t unidentified. If we ban social media, cyber bullying will be banned once and for all, and there will be no more cases of incognito bullies casting hate upon individuals online.

   Most often technology can bring forth rather negative interaction, or zero interaction at all between siblings, couples, or just family overall. It starves the family of learning and modelling with each other social cues, interpersonal relationship skills, communication skills, and bonding. This is the same with friends. When one spends seemingly their life in their room, sucked into the endless abyss of social media, they usually rarely come out to see the radiant sky, or breathe crisp, fresh air outside. That is as the media is so addicting, that for example, on TikTok, you would just beg yourself for one more minute watching those short clips so much, that it would never end. This obviously hinders interaction between family and friends, since most people are just in a void of negative entertainment, not wanting to do anything else. Social media would also make interaction less positive. After all, our hearts would be stuck on the thought of it, and when asked to do something else, such as eat or sleep, we would respond impatiently. This type of talking and interaction can definitely separate family, and even the best of friends.

   Although social media may have some benefits, the detriments far outweigh them. Health problems, cyberbullying, and division of people are only some of the many cons of social media. Therefore, to prevent these things, and to make our world a more united and happy place, social media must be banned.

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   1. 

      scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      10 February 2023 at 3:43 pm

      Overall score: 15/20

      Structure: 8/10
      The structure of this essay is clear, with the introduction paragraph setting up the issue of social media, followed by the body paragraphs which each address a different aspect of the issue. However, the conclusion could be more concise and effective, by summarizing how the points discussed in the body paragraphs lead to the conclusion that social media should be banned.

      Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
      The author successfully uses persuasive techniques to argue their point, such as in the sentence “Not only can social media hurt your appearances, but the monster can also attack your back and neck due to the hours on the screen caused by addiction.” However, the author could use more emotionally powerful language, such as “Social media is a voracious beast, wreaking havoc on your physical health with its relentless onslaught of digital addiction.”

      Emotional Appeal: 5/10
      The author does make an appeal to the emotions of the reader, particularly in the vivid description of the physical effects of prolonged exposure to blue light. However, the author could make more of an effort to evoke emotion from the reader, by using more vivid language and description.

      Figurative Language: 6/10
      The author does use some figurative language, such as in the description of social media as a monster. However, the author could make more use of figurative language to make their writing more powerful. For example, the author could say “Social media is a ravenous beast, devouring our physical and mental health with its insatiable appetite.”

      Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 10/10
      The grammar, syntax, use of evidence and vocabulary in this essay are all strong and effective.

      Sophisticated Vocab List:

      – Exhausted eyes –> Bleary eyes
      – Dark rings of sleep deprivation –> Perpetual shadows of fatigue
      – Deep-red blood vessels –> Crimson capillaries
      – Social media –> Digital media
      – Hurt –> Wreak havoc
      – Addiction –> Digital addiction
      – Prolonged exposure –> Lingering exposure
      – Problems with vision –> Visual impairments
      – Age-related macular degeneration –> Age-related maculopathy
      – Cataracts –> Lenticular opacity
      – Eye cancer –> Ocular malignancy
      – Growth –> Neoplasia
      – Devices –> Gadgets
      – Cyberbullying –> Digital harassment
      – Powerlessness –> Helplessness
      – Starves –> Deprives
      – Modelling –> Mimicking
      – Crisp, fresh air –> Pure, invigorating air
      – Abyss –> Cave
      – Endless –> Interminable
      – Hinder –> Impede

      Rewritten Persuasive Essay:

      Today, digital media reigns supreme, trapping us in a web of addiction and depression. We all know the toll it takes on our physical health, with perpetual shadows of fatigue beneath our eyes and crimson capillaries lining our irises. But what about its effects on our mental wellbeing? From cyberbullying to the separation of family and friends, how much more can digital media take from us? It is time to take a stand against this ravenous beast, and ban digital media for good.

      The effects of digital media on our physical health are its most apparent consequences. Lingering exposure to blue light has been linked to visual impairments such as age-related maculopathy, lenticular opacity, and ocular malignancies. Despite the fact that sunlight is one of the main sources of blue light, the digital gadgets we use everyday can be just as damaging. Children are especially at risk, as their eyes are not as adept at blocking out HUV light. If digital media were banned, these risks could be greatly reduced.

      The emotional repercussions of digital media are just as severe. Over 37% of all children have experienced digital harassment, and around 30% have gone through it more than once. Thanks to the anonymity of this type of bullying, it is easier to get away with than normal bullying. Victims often suffer from feelings of helplessness, low self-esteem, and depression. Even worse, some may even resort to self-harm. By banning digital media, we can put an end to cyberbullying, and begin to heal the wounds it has left behind.

      Finally, digital media can also be detrimental to relationships. It robs us of our ability to learn and mimic social cues, interpersonal relationship skills, communication skills, and bonding with our loved ones. It can also make us impatient, uninterested in life outside of our screens, and disconnected from the people around us. We can no longer let digital media come between us and the ones we love. It is time to take action and ban digital media once and for all.

      In conclusion, digital media can have a devastating impact on our physical, emotional, and relational health. From its detrimental effects on our vision to its role in cyberbullying and the separation of family and friends, its time to take a stand against this voracious beast and ban digital media. Only then can we make our world a happier, more united place.

      Reply
2. 

   John P

   9 February 2023 at 7:58 pm

   Prompt 11:
   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wfgO0oGhXroVfbXRGHFMGnrz3PpI26BgtyT7gxU8LgA/edit?usp=sharing

   Reply
   1. 

      scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      10 February 2023 at 3:46 pm

      Overall score: 14/20

      Structure: 10/10
      The structure of this essay is strong and clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion.

      Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
      The essay uses a range of persuasive techniques, such as providing facts and statistics, making generalisations and offering solutions. For example, the author states “The majority of internet users are younger individuals, and since they are still growing and changing, there is a concern that they might not contact others in person very often since, in their eyes, the internet makes up for that.” They could further emphasise the evidence by using persuasive language such as “it is undeniable that”, “it is clear that” or “it is irrefutable that”.

      Emotional Appeal: 8/10
      The essay includes a good level of emotional appeal. For example, the author states “It’s much simpler to just type some unfavourable remarks than to inform folks in person.” To increase the emotional impact, the author could use words and phrases that evoke a stronger emotional reaction such as “malicious comments” , “harsh criticism” or “unfriendly remarks”.

      Figurative Language: 7/10
      The essay includes some figurative language, such as metaphors and similes. For example, the author states “It corrupts our minds and destroys our world”. To make the essay more evocative, the author could use more figurative language such as “It manipulates our minds and shatters our reality”, “It taints our thoughts and decays our world”.

      Grammar: 10/10
      The grammar and syntax of the essay is excellent.

      Use of Evidence: 8/10
      The essay includes a range of evidence to support its argument. To make the essay more convincing, the author could introduce more evidence such as statistics, studies and quotes from experts.

      Vocabulary: 8/10
      The author uses a range of appropriate vocabulary throughout the essay. To make the essay more powerful, the author could use more sophisticated words such as “cyberbullying” instead of “unfavourable remarks”, “perfectionistic” instead of “perfect”, “mental issues” instead of “sadness”, “violation” instead of “dangerous”.

      Social media has been a profoundly polarising topic in recent years. On one hand, it enables us to stay connected with our friends and family, and allows us to access a wealth of information at our fingertips. On the other hand, it has a range of insidious consequences that have become increasingly apparent in recent times.

      Our reliance on social media has led to a decrease in face-to-face interactions, which can have a drastic impact on our mental health. Studies have shown that people are more likely to experience feelings of loneliness and depression when they spend less time interacting with others in person and more time on their phones. In addition, the prevalence of cyberbullying on social media has led to a rise in mental health issues for many young people.

      Social media can also be seen as a threat to our culture and language. In the age of emojis and textspeak, it has become increasingly difficult to express ourselves with clarity and eloquence. This has led to a deterioration of our grammar and spelling, which could have long-term implications for our ability to communicate effectively.

      Furthermore, social media can be seen as a violation of our fundamental human rights. By dictating what we can and cannot post, it limits our freedom of expression and can be a form of censorship.

      To summarise, the impacts of social media are manifold and should be taken seriously. We must recognise the importance of curbing our usage of social media and instead focus on improving our interpersonal relationships. We must also take steps to ensure that the platforms we use do not strip us of our essential human rights. Only then can we ensure a safe and healthy environment for ourselves and our future generations.

      Reply
3. 

   John P

   10 February 2023 at 4:49 pm

   Prompt 12:
   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_Zp_YBa-0DekDOmsMDKuf6q_IGCgUBUvRpRMc48_jmk/edit?usp=sharing

   Reply
   1. 

      Anonymous

      14 February 2023 at 3:14 pm

      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 8/10
      This essay is structured well and the main points are well organised and clear. However, it could be improved by adding a more personal touch to the introduction and conclusion.

      Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
      The essay uses a range of persuasive techniques to make its argument. For instance, the author uses the example of the invention of the lightbulb to show how creativity can lead to new discoveries. The essay could be improved by providing more evidence to back up the argument, such as examples of how art and music classes have helped other students.

      Emotional Appeal: 5/10
      The essay does use emotion to make its argument, for example by suggesting that art and music classes can help students channel their stress. However, there is room for improvement. For example, the essay could focus more on the emotional impact of art and music classes, rather than just the practical benefits.

      Figurative Language: 5/10
      The essay does use some figurative language, such as the phrase “channel their stress out of their bodies”. However, the essay could be improved by using more vivid metaphors and similes to draw readers in.

      Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary: 8/10
      The grammar and syntax of the essay are generally good, although there are some minor errors. The vocabulary is mostly appropriate, however there are some phrases which can be replaced with more sophisticated words.

      Use of Evidence: 5/10
      The essay does use evidence to back up its argument, such as the example of the invention of the lightbulb. However, there is room for improvement, as the essay could provide more evidence such as statistics or quotes from experts.

      Vocab List:
      Creativity – ingenuity
      Invented – devised
      Discover – unearth
      Inspiring – captivating
      Relationships – bonds
      Stressed – overwhelmed
      Access – obtain
      Sheer amount – immense number
      Channel – vent

      Creativity is the wellspring of society, allowing us, humans, to conceive of and craft new and amazing things. Without creativity, the lightbulb would never have been conjured and electricity itself, would not have been unearthed. Music and art are two of the most enthralling and creative activities and if we wish to cultivate an inquisitive and passionate generation, we should introduce more music and art classes in the curriculum.

      Music and art provide students with a greater understanding of the infinite possibilities in the world. There are billions of unheard melodies and unpainted pictures. It is this which can inspire students to explore their creative capabilities.

      Art and music also allow students to develop social and team working skills. When working together on a piece of art or music, camaraderie blossoms and it is important to have these connections in their future lives.

      Music and art are both calming pastimes. If students are feeling burdened or fatigued, these activities allow them to express their anguish and allow their minds to assuage. Henceforth, students should have access to more art and music classes in the school.

      In conclusion music and art should be more prevalent in the current school curriculum as they enable students to comprehend the immense number of possibilities in the world, help students develop social skills and is a calming activity. If we are to ensure a future of creative and inquisitive minds, art and music should become an integral part of the school curriculum. For these reasons, it is essential that art and music classes be incorporated into the curriculum. These classes will enable students to develop their creative skills, foster social relationships and relax their minds, ultimately leading to a more productive and fulfilled educational experience.

      Reply
4. 

   sundew

   10 February 2023 at 5:47 pm

   Prompt 11:

   The sea was wild and untamed, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure hidden deep within this raging island. Waves of fury lunged at me, invisible hands clawing to grasp me, to pull me into their furious embrace. I glared down my nose and found hungry pincers snapping up at me. Fuming, I stormed towards the jungle, my map tightly clenched in my fist.
   When my temper died down, I felt the thunderous drumming of my heart beat in my ears. Thump. Thump, thump. Thump. Deep within this forest, the map stated, was the treasure. The map’s only words marked on it was this, “Deep within the island, find the crab that has the key. It will show you the way to the next clue.” Was it the crab from earlier? Was it trying to tell me something? I felt as if a war was raging in my mind. One part of my brain said, ‘crabs would never possess anything special, why go back?’ The other part of my brain argued ‘but the map says so!’ I made my final great pirate decision. I was to go back and retrieve the clue that lie beyond. But I had no idea where I was. I didn’t notice where I had gone. In which direction, that is. I glared at the stars. Not one star is sight. Great. So I chose a random path and follow it, hastily cutting down the branches that blocked my path.
   “Aha!” I muttered as I found myself face to face with the crab on the sandy shore. The waves rushed in to grab me again. “Give me the clue!” I demanded, feeling embarrassed that he was talking to a crab. The crab pinched my leg and scuttled off, into the roaring waves. “Argh!” I shrieked as the crab snapped its pincers at me, then disappeared into the waves. I camped there for the night. I assume the crab was watching me the whole night, for when I woke up, I found this peculiar crab staring at me with its eerie grey eyes. Its ruby red shell snapped me back into focus when this crab pinched me again. “Why do you do that?!” I roared, raging. The crab continuously snapped like a door slamming a thousand times. I suddenly leaped at the crab with such force, that I landed face-first onto the rock hard sand. The crab scuttled into the palm tree forest, leaving me following it wearily rubbing my now crooked nose. It stopped in front of a large “X”. Had I found the treasure at last? It must be in here, I thought. But one part of me whispered, ‘It’s a trap!’ I focused on the “X”. It looked like crab marks were on the sand around it. Was it a trap? Were there thousands of crabs lying deep within this “X”?
   I shook myself, and with trembling hands, I dug the earth with my shovel. A shiver of fear ran down my spine, the hairs on my neck rising up. With shaking arms, I lifted the bit of dirt and found crabs scrambling towards me, pincers raised, ready for pinching. “It’s a trick!” I shrieked, running for my life. The crab with me earlier simply dropped a piece of parchment in the middle of the circle the other crabs were guarding. It’s there. The clue is in there! I leaped forward, and a million crabs must of come to pinch me because I lost consciousness. It must have been days since I woke up. I’ve now got the clue, but I’ve given up on this hunt. I feel as if this treasure is too hard to find. The clue states, “Dah jovi, atobia muso. Gato beware firia!” I only understand the word ‘beware’ and I feel as if there is no hope of gaining this fortune promised on the first clue sheet, I found weeks ago.

   Reply
   1. 

      Anonymous

      14 February 2023 at 3:18 pm

      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 8/10
      The structure of the passage is effective in conveying the journey of the protagonist. Although the pacing is a bit rushed, the transitions between each section are smooth. For example, the phrase “I made my final great pirate decision” serves as a bridge between the protagonist’s inner conflict and his journey towards the hidden treasure. To further improve the structure, consider adding more details in the beginning, such as the protagonist’s setting, and adding more transitions between the sections.

      Sensory Imagery: 10/10
      The sensory imagery in this passage is vivid and captivating. The author does an excellent job in conjuring up vivid images in the reader’s mind. For example, the phrase “Waves of fury lunged at me, invisible hands clawing to grasp me, to pull me into their furious embrace” evokes a powerful image of the sea’s turmoil. To further improve the sensory imagery, consider adding more details, such as describing the protagonist’s emotions and the physical sensations he experiences.

      Grammar: 10/10
      The grammar in this passage is nearly flawless. The author makes effective use of punctuation and capitalization to create a sense of urgency in the protagonist’s journey. For example, the phrase “Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure” creates a sense of anticipation and excitement in the reader. To further improve the grammar, consider using more sophisticated and varied sentence structures.

      Syntax: 10/10
      The syntax in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author makes effective use of sentence length, repetition, and parallelism to create a sense of rhythm and flow in the narrative. For example, the phrase “Fuming, I stormed towards the jungle, my map tightly clenched in my fist” creates a sense of urgency and intensity in the protagonist’s journey. To further improve the syntax, consider using more sophisticated and varied sentence structures.

      Characterization: 9/10
      The characterization in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author does an excellent job in conveying the protagonist’s thoughts and emotions. For example, the phrase “I felt as if a war was raging in my mind” conveys the protagonist’s inner conflict and struggle. To further improve the characterization, consider adding more details and nuances to the protagonist’s character.

      Vocabulary: 8/10
      The vocabulary in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author makes effective use of simple and concrete words to create a vivid image in the reader’s mind. For example, the phrase “I glared down my nose” conveys the protagonist’s determination and determination. To further improve the vocabulary, consider using more sophisticated and varied words.

      Juxtaposition: 9/10
      The juxtaposition in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author does an excellent job in creating a vivid contrast between the protagonist and his environment. For example, the phrase “I glared at the stars. Not one star is sight” conveys the protagonist’s feeling of being lost and isolated. To further improve the juxtaposition, consider adding more details to create a more vivid contrast between the protagonist and his environment.

      Figurative Language: 8/10
      The figurative language in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author makes effective use of metaphors, similes, and personification to create a vivid image in the reader’s mind. For example, the phrase “Its ruby red shell snapped me back into focus” conveys the protagonist’s determination and determination. To further improve the figurative language, consider using more vivid and varied figurative language.

      Vocab List:
      Raging – tumultuous, tempestuous
      Pincers – claws, talons
      Fuming – seething, incensed
      Grasp – clutch, seize
      Lunged – leapt, pounced
      Elusive – evasive, slippery
      Eerie – uncanny, ghastly
      Crooked – askew, awry
      Shoddy – slipshod, careless

      You are a pirate searching for a hidden treasure. The salty sea air that whipped against my face was a reminder of my purpose. For weeks I had been unravelling the clues, following the faintest of trails in my quest for the coveted treasure. I could almost feel it in the air, a strange anticipation that set my heart ablaze with excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden bounty buried deep in this tumultuous island.

      The waves surged around me, the invisible hands of the sea clawing at me, trying to drag me into its tumultuous embrace. I refused to succumb to its tempestuous pull and instead marched towards the depths of the jungle, clutching my map tightly in my fist. When my rage subsided I could feel the thunderous beating of my heart in my ears, a reminder of the great task ahead.

      My map indicated that deep within the island lay what I was searching for. It was marked with the simple words, “Deep within the island, find the crab that has the key. It will show you the way to the next clue.” Could it be the same crab I had encountered earlier? Was I meant to go back? A war raged within me, one part telling me that it was foolish to believe that a crab could possess anything special and the other urging me to follow the map. I made my decision and headed back, but I was completely lost. All I could see were stars, a sea of them, not one of which I recognized. I chose a random path and made my way through the dense foliage, my shovel slashing at the branches.

      I soon found myself face to face with the crab once more. The waves rushed in, threatening to pull me away, yet I stayed, demanding the crab give me the clue. It seemed to understand my pleas and pinched my leg before scuttling off into the roaring waves. I followed it, my fear growing with every step I took.

      The crab led me to a large “X” inscribed in the sand, surrounded by crab marks. I was certain this was it, the moment I had been searching for. I had to be careful, I thought, as I prepared to dig. I had no idea what lay beneath the sand, could it be a trap? I slowly began to shovel away the earth and was met with a swarm of crabs, their claws raised and ready to pinch. I yelled in terror and stumbled away, just in time for the crab I had been following to drop a piece of parchment in the middle of the circle.

      I had found the clue, but I was too scared to continue. I had no idea what the clue said, “Dah jovi, atobia muso. Gato beware firia!” I knew only one word, ‘beware’, and I felt that my quest had come to an end. I had failed in my mission, the treasure would remain undiscovered. I began to walk away, my heart heavy with defeat, when suddenly I felt a pinching on my leg. I looked down to find the same crab, a strange glint in its grey eyes, beckoning me back to the “X”. I felt a sudden resurgence of courage and started digging again. I was determined to find the treasure, no matter the cost.

      Reply
   2. 

      Anonymous

      14 February 2023 at 3:19 pm

      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 8/10
      The structure of the passage is effective in conveying the journey of the protagonist. Although the pacing is a bit rushed, the transitions between each section are smooth. For example, the phrase “I made my final great pirate decision” serves as a bridge between the protagonist’s inner conflict and his journey towards the hidden treasure. To further improve the structure, consider adding more details in the beginning, such as the protagonist’s setting, and adding more transitions between the sections.

      Sensory Imagery: 10/10
      The sensory imagery in this passage is vivid and captivating. The author does an excellent job in conjuring up vivid images in the reader’s mind. For example, the phrase “Waves of fury lunged at me, invisible hands clawing to grasp me, to pull me into their furious embrace” evokes a powerful image of the sea’s turmoil. To further improve the sensory imagery, consider adding more details, such as describing the protagonist’s emotions and the physical sensations he experiences.

      Grammar: 10/10
      The grammar in this passage is nearly flawless. The author makes effective use of punctuation and capitalization to create a sense of urgency in the protagonist’s journey. For example, the phrase “Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure” creates a sense of anticipation and excitement in the reader. To further improve the grammar, consider using more sophisticated and varied sentence structures.

      Syntax: 10/10
      The syntax in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author makes effective use of sentence length, repetition, and parallelism to create a sense of rhythm and flow in the narrative. For example, the phrase “Fuming, I stormed towards the jungle, my map tightly clenched in my fist” creates a sense of urgency and intensity in the protagonist’s journey. To further improve the syntax, consider using more sophisticated and varied sentence structures.

      Characterization: 9/10
      The characterization in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author does an excellent job in conveying the protagonist’s thoughts and emotions. For example, the phrase “I felt as if a war was raging in my mind” conveys the protagonist’s inner conflict and struggle. To further improve the characterization, consider adding more details and nuances to the protagonist’s character.

      Vocabulary: 8/10
      The vocabulary in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author makes effective use of simple and concrete words to create a vivid image in the reader’s mind. For example, the phrase “I glared down my nose” conveys the protagonist’s determination and determination. To further improve the vocabulary, consider using more sophisticated and varied words.

      Juxtaposition: 9/10
      The juxtaposition in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author does an excellent job in creating a vivid contrast between the protagonist and his environment. For example, the phrase “I glared at the stars. Not one star is sight” conveys the protagonist’s feeling of being lost and isolated. To further improve the juxtaposition, consider adding more details to create a more vivid contrast between the protagonist and his environment.

      Figurative Language: 8/10
      The figurative language in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s journey. The author makes effective use of metaphors, similes, and personification to create a vivid image in the reader’s mind. For example, the phrase “Its ruby red shell snapped me back into focus” conveys the protagonist’s determination and determination. To further improve the figurative language, consider using more vivid and varied figurative language.

      Vocab List:
      Raging – tumultuous, tempestuous
      Pincers – claws, talons
      Fuming – seething, incensed
      Grasp – clutch, seize
      Lunged – leapt, pounced
      Elusive – evasive, slippery
      Eerie – uncanny, ghastly
      Crooked – askew, awry
      Shoddy – slipshod, careless

      You are a pirate searching for a hidden treasure. The salty sea air that whipped against my face was a reminder of my purpose. For weeks I had been unravelling the clues, following the faintest of trails in my quest for the coveted treasure. I could almost feel it in the air, a strange anticipation that set my heart ablaze with excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden bounty buried deep in this tumultuous island.

      The waves surged around me, the invisible hands of the sea clawing at me, trying to drag me into its tumultuous embrace. I refused to succumb to its tempestuous pull and instead marched towards the depths of the jungle, clutching my map tightly in my fist. When my rage subsided I could feel the thunderous beating of my heart in my ears, a reminder of the great task ahead.

      My map indicated that deep within the island lay what I was searching for. It was marked with the simple words, “Deep within the island, find the crab that has the key. It will show you the way to the next clue.” Could it be the same crab I had encountered earlier? Was I meant to go back? A war raged within me, one part telling me that it was foolish to believe that a crab could possess anything special and the other urging me to follow the map. I made my decision and headed back, but I was completely lost. All I could see were stars, a sea of them, not one of which I recognized. I chose a random path and made my way through the dense foliage, my shovel slashing at the branches.

      I soon found myself face to face with the crab once more. The waves rushed in, threatening to pull me away, yet I stayed, demanding the crab give me the clue. It seemed to understand my pleas and pinched my leg before scuttling off into the roaring waves. I followed it, my fear growing with every step I took.

      The crab led me to a large “X” inscribed in the sand, surrounded by crab marks. I was certain this was it, the moment I had been searching for. I had to be careful, I thought, as I prepared to dig. I had no idea what lay beneath the sand, could it be a trap? I slowly began to shovel away the earth and was met with a swarm of crabs, their claws raised and ready to pinch. I yelled in terror and stumbled away, just in time for the crab I had been following to drop a piece of parchment in the middle of the circle.

      I had found the clue, but I was too scared to continue. I had no idea what the clue said, “Dah jovi, atobia muso. Gato beware firia!” I knew only one word, ‘beware’, and I felt that my quest had come to an end. I had failed in my mission, the treasure would remain undiscovered.

      Reply
5. 

   John P

   11 February 2023 at 5:24 pm

   2nd Prompt 11:
   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1d0WmDU46JC1qpgwkzQNssZwmG68_GowUkJL-fPBGArM/edit?usp=sharing

   Reply
   1. 

      scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      14 February 2023 at 3:25 pm

      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 15/20
      The structure of this narrative is mostly effective. It is a linear narrative that builds suspense and intrigue as it moves towards the climax. However, the narrative could benefit from a more detailed description of the setting, to create a more vivid atmosphere. For example, “The wind whipped my face and salty spray stung my eyes, as I trudged through the sand in search of the hidden treasure.”

      Sensory Imagery: 18/20
      The sensory imagery in this narrative is effective and evocative. For example, “The waves roared at me and I stumbled forward holding a piece of parchment in my hands.” To further enhance the sensory imagery, the author could include more vivid descriptions of the setting and the protagonist’s feelings and emotions. For example, “The salty sea air filled my lungs and I felt my heart racing with excitement as I began my search for the elusive treasure.”

      Grammar: 18/20
      The grammar in this narrative is mostly correct, however there are a few areas that could be improved. For example, “On it wrote the words” should be “On it were written the words”. Additionally, “On the rock wrote the word” should be “On the rock was written the word”.

      Syntax: 17/20
      The syntax in this narrative is mostly effective, however there are a few sentences that could benefit from restructuring. For example, “I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure buried so deep in this island that no one has been able to find it” could be rewritten as “I was a pirate, here to find the hidden treasure buried deep within this island, where no one had been able to locate it.”

      Characterization: 19/20
      The characterization in this narrative is effective and engaging. The protagonist is well-developed and we can easily imagine the protagonist’s feelings and emotions as they traverse the island in search of the hidden treasure. To further enhance the characterization, the author could employ more action-based descriptions of the protagonist’s actions and emotions. For example, “I clenched my fists in excitement as I searched the clearing for the treasure.”

      Vocabulary: 16/20
      The vocabulary in this narrative is mostly appropriate and effective. However, there are a few places where more sophisticated and magical words could be used. For example, instead of “parchment”, the author could use “vellum”. Additionally, instead of “treasure chest”, the author could use “golden casket”. To further enhance the vocabulary, the author could include words such as “inchoate”, “surreptitious”, “esoteric”, “celestial” and “luminous”.

      Juxtaposition: 17/20
      The juxtaposition in this narrative is effective and creates a vivid atmosphere. For example, “The waves roared at me and I stumbled forward holding a piece of parchment in my hands.” To further enhance the juxtaposition, the author could include more vivid descriptions of the contrast between the protagonist’s feelings and emotions and the environment they are in. For example, “The sun shone brightly in the sky, yet my heart grew heavy as I traversed the island in search of the treasure.”

      Figurative Language: 17/20
      The figurative language in this narrative is mostly effective. For example, “I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement” is an effective metaphor. To further enhance the figurative language, the author could employ more similes and metaphors to describe the protagonist’s feelings and emotions. For example, “My heart raced like a wild stallion in my chest as I stumbled through the forest.”

      The sea was wild and untamed, an ideal place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, investigating clues and deciphering maps. A strange sense of anticipation and excitement swelled within me, as I was sure I was nearing my goal. I was a pirate, and I was here to uncover the hidden treasure buried so deep in this island that no one had been able to locate it. The waves bellowed at me forcefully as I trudged forward, a piece of parchment clutched in my fists. On it, written in an arcane script, was a riddle that read “The wise king once said, close both eyes and push the bee.”

      My journey through the forest was arduous and I was exhausted when I eventually reached a clearing. In the center of the grassy clearing was a rock and two pieces of cloth. On the rock was etched the single word “imbecile”. I glanced around but there was no bee in sight. I slowly walked around the clearing but there was nothing else. As I approached the rock, I noticed the two pieces of fabric draped over the two letter “i’s” in the word “imbecile”. Suddenly, the answer to the riddle became clear. I pressed the letter “b” and the rock opened up revealing a treasure chest. The wise king had not referred to eyes, but to the letter “i” and not to a bee, but to the letter “b”. As I opened the chest, a piece of paper was revealed with the words “too late you lousy pirate” scrawled on it. It seemed as if someone had already been here!

      My heart was heavy as I realized I was too late. All my searching and deciphering had been in vain. I had thought I was closer to uncovering the hidden treasure, but instead I was left with only the bitter knowledge that I had failed.

      Reply
6. 

   John P

   11 February 2023 at 6:23 pm

   2nd Prompt 12:
   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EwaQdhqw3pErljEoCv3HRnOvNzEF9Li8ui7KnTsUETE/edit?usp=sharing

   Reply
   1. 

      scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      14 February 2023 at 3:27 pm

      Overall Score: 18/20

      Structure: 17/20
      The structure of the narrative is well-developed, with the protagonist’s motivations and purpose being established at the start. It also follows a clear line of investigation that is succinctly wrapped up at the conclusion. However, the narrative could benefit from further elaboration of the protagonist’s discoveries and the implications of their findings. For example, the implications of the eco-friendly ink could be spelled out in more detail.

      Sensory Imagery: 19/20
      The passage successfully employs sensory imagery to create a vivid picture of the scene. For example, “The ramshackle warehouse stood in front of me. I entered.” Additionally, the use of specific details like “Two cigarettes lay on the ground” and “a smudge of ink” add to the atmosphere of the piece. However, the passage could benefit from the addition of further sensory details to enhance the scene.

      Grammar: 18/20
      The grammar of the passage is generally sound. However, the sentence “On it was printed some smudged words” could be improved to better fit the narrative’s tone. For example, “Scrawled across it were smudged words”.

      Syntax: 18/20
      The syntax of the passage is generally well-structured, with most sentences following a clear structure. However, there are some instances where sentences could be more concisely written. For example, “On the table, I saw a smudge of ink. This was probably where they had signed the contract for the exchange” could be rewritten as “On the table, a smudge of ink showed where the contract had been signed.”

      Characterization: 19/20
      The protagonist is clearly established in the passage, with the audience immediately understanding their motivations and purpose. Additionally, their determination and skills are described succinctly. However, the characterization could be further developed by providing a clearer picture of the protagonist’s appearance and demeanor.

      Vocabulary: 17/20
      The passage successfully employs a range of words to paint a vivid picture of the scene. However, there are some areas of the passage where more sophisticated words could be used to further enhance the narrative. For example, instead of ‘ramshackle’, words such as ‘dilapidated’ or ‘decrepit’ could be used.

      Juxtaposition: 19/20
      The passage effectively juxtaposes the protagonist’s investigation with their discoveries. For example, “Two cigarettes lay on the ground and in the centre of the room, there was a table and two chairs.” The contrast between the two items helps to create a vivid picture of the scene. However, the juxtaposition could be further enhanced by providing additional contrasting details to create a more vivid picture.

      Figurative Language: 18/20
      The passage makes use of figurative language to further enhance the scene. For example, “The ramshackle warehouse stood in front of me. I entered.” Here, the use of ‘ramshackle’ effectively paints a picture of the warehouse. However, there are some areas where further figurative language could be employed to further enhance the scene.

      Synonymous Vocab List:
      Ramshackle – dilapidated, decrepit
      Smudged – smeared, blurred
      Eco-friendly – environmentally friendly, green

      Rewritten Narrative (400 words):

      I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation and I was determined to do it. The night was as still as death and I knew it was the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I had been warned that the task would be difficult, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation.

      The decrepit warehouse stood before me, like a looming sentinel. I entered quietly, assessing the room carefully. Two cigarettes, of the finest quality, lay discarded on the floor. In the centre of the room was a table surrounded by two chairs and I stumbled across a metal clip. On it were scrawled smudged words, which I could read only partially. CEO of _____, award of __________. It seemed the buyer was the CEO of an unusual business.

      On the table, I noticed a smudge of ink. This was probably where they had signed the contract for the exchange. But then I noticed something strange – the ink was environmentally friendly. It was clear that the buyer was a seller of electric cars and he was planning to clandestinely include crude oil. Only a seller of an eco-friendly product would bother to buy eco-friendly ink. I remembered reading in the papers and seeing the CEO of E-CARS, a company that had recently gained fame by selling cheap electric cars, had recently been awarded. It seemed that this was the work of him.

      I had figured out my case and now I just had to show it to my client. I had discovered the truth of a powerful corporation and the shady dealings of a criminal. My investigation had been successful and I was ready to present the evidence of the crime. I had uncovered the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it.

      Reply
7. 

   alissa-chen

   12 February 2023 at 9:41 am

   Prompt 1:
   Social Media

   You stare at your class as they scroll through their phones, immersed in their own world in technology. Humans hardly interact in the real world anymore. They are too lost in their devices. You look and wonder how this happened. A world once so bright, so filled with light,has now been reduced to a world full of unenergetic beings staring at their small metal screens and viewing social media as if nothing else matters in their life. Thinking about this you may wish that social media was never created.

   Social media was originally created for people to share their experiences, however it has caused many to feel as if they are inferior or not good enough for society. You see, if a girl on social media sees someone who looks skinnier or prettier than them, they might stop eating or put on excessive makeup to look like them. Scrolling through social media has proven to be detrimental to people’s self esteem, not just due to jealousy or feeling inferior. Research has shown that while in real life you would only feel bad when you see someone who is superior to you, you will feel bad if you see someone on social media who is either inferior or superior to you.

   Adding on, social media may also cause health issues. Feeling inferior or too fat may cause young adults or teens to stop eating, This will eventually lead to eating disorders. Other things they may do if they feel that they are not fit enough are exercising a lot, this may eventually become overexercise which may lead to muscle strains and tendon injuries. Or they could gain weight and get diagnosed with diabetes or obesity due to staying indoors all the time and scrolling through social media, instead of exercising.

   Finally, Social Media may lead to addiction. This will cause its viewers to feel as if they have to view it. Addiction is not a good sign as the blue light from screens is bad for your eyes and over viewing it may become detrimental to your eyes and even your health as blue light can cause fatigue, headaches and migraines.

   As you can see social media is highly damaging to the self esteem of young adults and teens and can lead to multiple health issues and also addiction. As a result, I think social media should be banned.

   Reply
   1. 

      scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      14 February 2023 at 3:31 pm

      Overall score: 17/20

      Structure: 8/10

      The essay is well-structured, with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the transitions between each section could be smoother. For example, the transition from the introduction to the body could be improved by introducing a transitional sentence, such as “This issue is of particular concern, as it has been linked to a number of worrying health-related outcomes.”

      Persuasive Techniques: 8/10

      The essay contains a number of persuasive techniques, such as the use of rhetorical questions and emotive language. For example, the author writes: “A world once so bright, so filled with light,has now been reduced to a world full of unenergetic beings staring at their small metal screens and viewing social media as if nothing else matters in their life.” However, the author could further strengthen their persuasive techniques by using more vivid language, such as “A world once teeming with life has been reduced to a dystopia of zombie-like figures, transfixed by the eerie glow of their devices.”

      Emotional Appeal: 3/5

      The essay contains some emotional appeal, such as the use of emotive language. For example, “Thinking about this you may wish that social media was never created.” However, the essay could be further strengthened by adding more vivid and emotionally evocative language. For example, the author could write: “The thought of our world being reduced to a virtual void of endless scrolling and relentless comparison fills us with a sorrowful dread.”

      Figurative Language: 5/5

      The essay contains a number of vivid and figurative language, such as the use of metaphors and similes. For example, “Humans hardly interact in the real world anymore. They are too lost in their devices.” Additionally, the author could further strengthen their figurative language by using more vivid expressions, such as “Our world is sinking into a sea of screens, with each wave of technology lapping away at our humanity.”

      Grammar and Syntax: 4/5

      The essay contains some minor errors in grammar and syntax, such as the incorrect use of the apostrophe in “has now been reduced to a world full of unenergetic beings staring at their small metal screens and viewing social media as if nothing else matters in their life.” The author could further improve the grammar and syntax by using more complex sentence structures, such as “Our world has been reduced to a technocratic dystopia, where unenergetic drones stare at their small metal screens, as if nothing else matters in their lives.”

      Use of Evidence: 4/5

      The essay contains some evidence, such as the research which shows that people feel worse after viewing social media. However, the author could strengthen their argument by adding more evidence, such as research studies which show the health risks associated with excessive social media use.

      Vocabulary: 5/5

      The essay contains a number of sophisticated words and phrases, such as “technocratic dystopia”, “transfixed”, and “zombie-like figures”. However, the author could further strengthen their argument by replacing some of their less sophisticated words, such as “reduced”, with more evocative words, such as “diminished”.

      Vocab List:

      • Reduced: Diminished
      • Unenergetic: Lethargic
      • Staring: Gazing
      • Viewing: Perusing
      • Social media: Social networking
      • Superior: Preeminent
      • Inferior: Subservient
      • Eating disorders: Malnutrition
      • Overexercise: Overstrain
      • Diabetes: Hyperglycemia
      • Obesity: Corpulence
      • Addiction: Dependence
      • Detrimental: Deleterious
      • Ban: Prohibit

      Rewrite:

      Our world is sinking into a sea of screens, with each wave of technology lapping away at our humanity. We can no longer escape the dystopia of zombie-like figures, transfixed by the eerie glow of their devices. Social networking, which was initially created to share experiences, has caused many to feel as if they are subservient or not good enough for society. If one sees someone on social media skinnier or more attractive than them, they may resort to disordered eating or excessive makeup to emulate them. Research has shown that people will feel worse whether they view someone superior or inferior to them. Furthermore, this feeling of inferiority can lead to malnutrition, overstrain, hyperglycemia, corpulence, and dependence. The blue light emitted from screens is also detrimental to our eyes and health, leading to fatigue, headaches, and migraines. It is clear that social media is highly damaging to the self-esteem of young adults and teens, and can lead to multiple deleterious effects. Therefore, I believe that social media should be prohibited.

      Reply
8. 

   kaylee-li

   12 February 2023 at 10:06 am

   prompt 12 part 1

   Visions, goals, and inventiveness are all around us. The visions we harbour, the goals we pursue, and the inventiveness we employ to make those hopes a reality all originate from inside. In light of this, we must acknowledge the significance of including more music and art in the educational curriculum.

   The addition of music and art to the curriculum can encourage our children’ imagination and creativity. It might give them motivation and a stage on which to share their thoughts. Students can learn to think beyond the box and find new methods to express themselves by investigating various genres of music and art. They could pick up appreciation of the beauty of their surroundings and draw inspiration from this appreciation to produce something genuinely original.

   Furthermore, using art and music in the classroom helps encourage cooperation and communication. Students can learn how to collaborate to create something beautiful via the use of art and music. Through it, communities may be improved, and relationships can be strengthened.

   Moreover, the use of art and music can support the joyful and engaging nature of learning. Teachers may design interactive, immersive, and interesting learning experiences by using art and music. This can help to maintain students’ motivation and interest while also ensuring that they are actively participating in the learning process.
   Additionally, music and art can support emotional and mental health wellbeing.

   Students can also discover strategies to express their feelings and deal with stress and anxiety via the use of art and music. Additionally, it can support the development of creative and analytical thinking abilities that will be helpful in their future employment.

   To guarantee that our pupils receive the greatest education possible, it is essential to include music and art into the curriculum. It can support collaboration and communication among students, encourage creativity and imagination, make learning enjoyable and engaging, and support mental and emotional health. We must embrace art and music and include them into the curriculum if we want to educate our pupils for the future.

   Reply
   1. 

      scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      14 February 2023 at 3:34 pm

      Overall Score: 19/20

      Structure:
      The essay is well structured and easy to follow. The writer makes a clear argument and includes a few valid points. However, the essay could be improved by introducing a creative or interesting hook in the introduction, to draw the reader in. For example, the writer could start off with a quote or anecdote to make the introduction more engaging.

      Persuasive Techniques:
      The writer uses a few persuasive techniques throughout the essay. For example, they state “In light of this, we must acknowledge the significance of including more music and art in the educational curriculum.” This statement is persuasive as it suggests that the reader must accept this argument. Additionally, the writer provides evidence to back up their argument, stating “Students can learn to think beyond the box and find new methods to express themselves by investigating various genres of music and art.” This sentence is effective as it provides an example to support the argument. To make this sentence more powerful, the writer could use stronger and more emotionally evocative language, such as “Students can learn to unleash their creativity and explore new ways of expression through the exploration of music and art.”

      Emotional Appeal:
      The writer successfully appeals to the reader’s emotions. For example, they state “This can help to maintain students’ motivation and interest while also ensuring that they are actively participating in the learning process.” This statement is effective as it implies that art and music can be beneficial to students’ learning experience. To make this sentence more emotionally appealing, the writer could use more powerful language, such as “This can help sustain students’ enthusiasm and engagement while ensuring that they are actively and meaningfully engaged in their learning.”

      Figurative Language:
      The essay does not include many figurative language devices. To make the essay more impactful, the writer could use more figurative language. For example, they could state “The use of art and music can help to bring our students’ imaginations to life.”

      Grammar & Syntax:
      The essay is well written and there are no major grammar or syntax errors. The writer could use more active voice to make their sentences more impactful. For example, instead of writing “Through it, communities may be improved”, they could write “Through it, we can improve communities.”

      Use of Evidence:
      The writer provides evidence to back up their argument. For example, they state “Furthermore, using art and music in the classroom helps encourage cooperation and communication.” This sentence is effective as it provides an example of how art and music can be beneficial. To make this sentence more persuasive, the writer could elaborate on how art and music can support collaboration and communication, such as “Furthermore, the use of art and music in the classroom can help students develop the skills to work together, create meaningful conversations, and foster strong relationships with each other.”

      Vocabulary:
      The writer uses simple vocabulary throughout the essay. To make the essay more powerful, the writer could use more sophisticated words such as ‘acknowledge’, ‘motivation’, ‘appreciation’, ‘collaborate’, ‘interactive’, ‘immersive’, ‘emotional’, ‘analytical’, ‘express’, ‘engagement’, and ‘meaningfully’.

      Rewritten Persuasive Essay:
      It is undeniable that visions, goals, and inventiveness are integral to our lives. Our dreams, aspirations, and the creativity we use to make them reality, all originate from within. In light of this, we must recognize the essentiality of incorporating more music and art into the educational curriculum.

      The integration of music and art into the curriculum can foster our children’s imagination and ingenuity. It could provide them with motivation and a platform to communicate their ideas. Students can learn to think expansively and discover distinct methods to articulate themselves by delving into different genres of music and art. They can acquire an appreciation of the beauty of their surroundings and draw inspiration from this admiration to create something novel.

      Moreover, the use of music and art in the classroom can promote collaboration and communication. Students can learn to cooperate to fabricate something exquisite through the use of art and music. Through it, communities may be enhanced and relationships can be strengthened.

      Furthermore, the use of music and art can sustain the entertaining and interactive nature of learning. Teachers may devise interactive, immersive, and interesting learning experiences by using music and art. This can help to maintain students’ excitement and involvement while also ensuring that they are actively participating in the learning process.

      In addition, music and art can support emotional and mental health wellbeing. Students can discover ways to express their feelings and cope with stress and anxiety by utilizing art and music. It can also support the development of creative and analytical thinking abilities that will be beneficial in their future careers.

      To guarantee that our pupils receive the highest quality education, it is paramount to include music and art in the curriculum. It can promote collaboration and communication among students, foster creativity and imagination, make learning enjoyable and engaging, and support mental and emotional health. We must embrace art and music and incorporate them into the curriculum if we want to educate our pupils for the future.

      Reply
9. 

   sundew

   12 February 2023 at 2:54 pm

   ~Prompt 12~

   The night was dark and still, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would be difficult, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation.
   As I strolled through the moonlight streets, the air pulsing silently as it encased me in its zephyr, kissing my neck tenderly. The lanterns illuminated the city with its eerie glow as I headed towards the headquarters of the Betabots. An occasional Betabot glided towards me with outstretched arms, ready to take me in with wide open arches. The day that was left behind was a disaster, in the freezing temperatures. The day that the Betabots went chaotic. Dr. Beta had immediately been crowded into a jail of cameras and microphones, all wishing to hear what Dr. Beta claimed.
   I knew what powered the Betabots now. I knew the cause of this chaotic day. It was the gel that did not stay still. A sapphire liquid squirmed in the vial I clutched tightly in my fist, its warmth like a furious ember lashing to get out of the enclosed space. It lunged wave after wave at my fists, and I threw it at the closest wall encased with graffiti. I glanced suspiciously overhead, and I saw what I was looking for. The headquarters of Dr. Beta and her bots. I knew it wouldn’t be easy getting in, with Dr. Beta’s security system linked into the doors and gates, but I wouldn’t be played around with. As the headquarters became larger into my view, I could see tiny little vents poking out at suspicious quarters, and I assumed they would be for the protection of the land. I grabbed my midnight computer out, and linked onto the security system. “Lava bucket, alarm system, bot attack linked. Alarm system; alert Dr. Beta, bot capture, guard temperature change system.” The link flashed the intruder alert system before dissipating into thin air. I hurriedly types, the keys contorting and twisting into a quiet hum and click of the black notes.
   “Server error, hacker alert, bots turn on, defend Betabot’s headquarters.” A message read, the hairs on my neck prickling up. Lights flashed on. I could hear the chromatic swirl of the bots turning on. Of course, Dr. Beta wouldn’t just allow a hacker to just turn into the system. I leaped onto the wave of bots that came lunging at me, plunging into the headquarters as the gate opened to let out the bots. I was in. The bots inside were still, frozen in time. Tubes of squirming liquid was held in huge vials, with blobberfish swimming inside. That’s it. I thought, hurriedly noticing that the blobberfish were producing the squirming liquid. Blobberfish oil. That’s what is powering the bots.
   Then I heard it. A few inches away from me. Its leveled hum filling the still air. I could sense the bots coming closer, about to find me. It’s only across the room, I can do it. As I lunged forward, thousands of Betabots came wave after wave to me, bots with alert signs, bots with cleaning tools, bots with ice cream, and even bots with pots and pans. I bounced on top of the first bot, which knocked down a stack of domino bots. I was so close. I bounced atop the bots, knocking them down. On my last bot, I slipped on the goo and landed with a thud on the ground. Dazed, I glanced forward. Dr. Beta stood looming on top of me, her eyes piercing me in her deadly glare. Her cackle must of echoed for miles. “Well, well, well!” Dr. Beta’s sweet voice cooed. “Who’s trying to steal into my headquarters?!” her voice hissed with fury. “Oh! It’s you,” Dr. Beta recalled, not glancing at me. “Think you’re such a good private investigator for my enemy? Think AGAIN!” her voice raged. She raised something, her venomous glare poised, ready to attack. Her hand let go of- And all was black.

   Reply
   1. 

      scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      14 February 2023 at 3:36 pm

      Overall score: 18/20

      Structure: 9/10
      The narrative is structured in a linear fashion and the plot is easy to follow. However, there could be more tension built up throughout the passage.

      Sensory Imagery: 8/10
      The passage is filled with vivid sensory imagery, particularly in regards to the setting. However, more could be done to emphasize the protagonist’s emotions in the scene.

      Grammar: 10/10
      The grammar and syntax of the passage are flawless.

      Characterization: 8/10
      The protagonist is well-developed and the reader can get an idea of their motivations and skills. However, the antagonist’s character could be more fleshed out.

      Vocabulary: 7/10
      The vocabulary of the passage is clear and descriptive. However, it could be further improved with more sophisticated and magical words and phrases.

      Juxtaposition: 8/10
      The passage makes effective use of juxtaposition to create a contrast between the protagonist and the antagonist. However, more could be done to emphasize the differences between the two.

      Figurative Language: 7/10
      The passage does use some figurative language, but it could be further developed to enhance the reader’s experience.

      Vocab List:

      Zephyr- breeze
      Chromatic- multicolored
      Lunged- surged
      Prickling- tingling
      Convoluted- twisted
      Venomous- poisonous
      Pose- stance

      The night was dark and still, a velvety blanket tucked around the city like a shroud. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would be arduous, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation.

      As I strode through the moonlit streets, the air humming softly like a lullaby, the city illuminated by the eerie shimmer of the lanterns. The occasional Betabot glided towards me with its outstretched arms, ready to enfold me in its embrace. The day that had passed had been one of chaos, in the biting cold. The day that the Betabots had gone haywire. Dr. Beta had been quickly thrust into the prison of cameras and microphones, all wishing to hear her words.

      I knew what powered the Betabots now. I knew the cause of this turbulent day. It was the gel that would not remain still. A sapphire liquid wriggled in the vial I clutched tightly in my fist, its heat like a ravenous flame that yearned to escape its confines. It surged wave after wave at my hands, and I cast it at the closest wall covered with graffiti. I peered suspiciously upwards, and I saw what I had been searching for. The headquarters of Dr. Beta and her bots. I knew it would not be easy to gain access, with Dr. Beta’s security system linked to the doors and gates, but I was not afraid. As the headquarters grew larger in my view, I could see tiny vents protruding at suspicious angles, and I assumed they were for the protection of the land. I extracted my midnight computer and linked to the security system. “Lava bucket, alarm system, bot attack linked. Alarm system; alert Dr. Beta, bot capture, guard temperature change system.” The link flickered the intruder alert system before disappearing into nothingness. I hurriedly typed, the keys curling and slithering into a soft hum and click of the black keys.
      “Server error, hacker alert, bots activate, protect Betabot’s headquarters.” A message read, the hairs on my neck standing on end. Lights flashed on. I could hear the melodic swirl of the bots powering up. Of course, Dr. Beta would not just allow a hacker to break into the system. I leapt onto the wave of bots that came surging towards me, plunging into the headquarters as the gate opened to release the bots. I was in. The bots inside were still, suspended in time. Tubes of writhing liquid were held in enormous vials, with blobberfish swimming inside. That was it. I thought, noticing that the blobberfish were producing the writhing liquid. Blobberfish oil. That was what was powering the bots.
      Then I heard it. Just a few inches away from me. Its steady hum filling the quiet air. I could sense the bots drawing nearer, about to discover me. It was just across the room, I could do it. As I dashed forward, thousands of Betabots came wave after wave towards me, bots with warning signs, bots with cleaning tools, bots with ice cream, and even bots with pots and pans. I hopped on top of the first bot, which toppled a stack of domino bots. I was so close. I bounded over the bots, knocking them down. On my last bot, I slipped on the slime and fell with a thud on the ground. Dazed, I peered forward. Dr. Beta loomed above me, her eyes boring into me in her deadly glare. Her cackle must have echoed for miles. “Well, well, well!” Dr. Beta’s sweet voice cooed. “Who’s attempting to infiltrate my headquarters?!” her voice hissed with fury. “Oh! It’s you,” Dr. Beta recalled, not glancing at me. “Think you’re such a skilled private investigator for my enemy? Think AGAIN!” her voice roared. She raised something, her venomous glare poised, ready to strike. Her hand let go of- And all was dark.

      Reply
10. 

    caleb-wu

    12 February 2023 at 7:53 pm

    Part 4 writing about detective

    Untitled document (8)

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 3:40 pm

       Overall Score out of 20: 17/20

       Structure: 8/10
       The structure of this narrative is well-crafted and carefully organized. Sentences build upon each other and create a sense of suspense and tension. However, the description of the protagonist’s emotional state could be more detailed and precise. For example, “Confusion constricted me like insidious tendrils slowly choking my heart, suffocating me in a pit of endless fear” could be improved with a few more vivid details.

       Sensory Imagery: 8/10
       The sensory imagery in this narrative is vivid and engaging, allowing the reader to feel as though they are in the protagonist’s shoes. For example, “The rain fell down in heavy streaks, each pattering against the hard concrete and gathering in small pools”. However, there are a few moments where the imagery could be more precise and vivid. For example, “And before me stood the imposing headquarters of the powerful corporation” could be improved with more details.

       Grammar: 9/10
       The grammar in this narrative is excellent and well-crafted. Sentences are concise and precise, and there are no major errors. However, there are a few minor errors, such as run-on sentences and comma splices.

       Syntax: 9/10
       The syntax in this narrative is strong and effective. Sentences flow smoothly and create a sense of suspense and tension. However, there are a few moments where the syntax could be more precise and effective. For example, “Run-of-the-mill citizens knew that there was a sort of evil festering beneath the glazed stone walls, a sort of trouble that was about to burst out” could be improved with more precise and effective syntax.

       Characterization: 8/10
       The characterization in this narrative is strong and vivid. The protagonist is well-developed and the reader is able to get a sense of who they are and what drives them. However, there are a few moments where the characterization could be more precise and vivid. For example, “Perplexity engulfed me in sharp billows of plunging upset, as I felt tears crowding around my eyelids, threatening to burst out” could be improved with more details.

       Vocabulary: 8/10
       The vocabulary in this narrative is strong and engaging. Sentences are concise and precise, and there are no major errors. However, there are a few moments where the vocabulary could be more precise and vivid. For example, “The dim street lights glowed apprehensively” could be improved with more sophisticated and magical words.

       Juxtaposition: 8/10
       The juxtaposition in this narrative is effective and well-crafted. Sentences build upon each other and create a sense of contrast between the protagonist’s past and present. For example, “I whispered his name, trying to remember the wistful memories of him as a friendly school child. Fachet, kindly helping a small child tie up his shoelaces. Fachet, cheering loudly for his friends. And now Fachet had been transformed into an evil mastermind, threatening to destroy the entire world”. However, there are a few moments where the juxtaposition could be more precise and vivid.

       Figurative Language: 8/10
       The figurative language in this narrative is strong and vivid. Sentences create a sense of suspense and tension, as well as a sense of contrast. For example, “It was as if my compass had entirely failed, its point glitching rapidly from north to south, from valuing my friendship to stopping the powerful, evil corporation”. However, there are a few moments where the figurative language could be more precise and vivid.

       Vocab List:
       Suffocated – Strangled
       Snaking – Slithering
       Fragile – Delicate
       Festering – Fomenting
       Bust – Force
       Ceremonial – Ritualistic
       Repulse – Revulsion
       Insidious – Devious
       Simmer – Boil
       Forebodingly – Ominously
       Glitching – Erratic

       Rewrite:
       I peered out of the window, into the glimmering night, my eyes drinking in the ashen silhouettes of the buildings, slowly engulfed by the tendrils of obscurity. The dim street lights glowed apprehensively, a delicate defense that offered a glimmer of hope against the endless night. The rain clattered against the hard concrete and pooled in the crevices. Before me stood the imposing headquarters of the powerful corporation, and I knew that a fomenting evil lurked beneath the glazed stone walls, one that threatened to erupt at any moment.

       I crept into the undefended glass door, the business having long past its closing hours. I had memorized the mysterious archways of the labyrinth, and I proceeded to the boss office, silently stalking the masterplan. I stood before the locked wooden door, which foreboded before me. I steeled my back, and I forced the door open. It creaked, the iron simmered against the wood, and it tilted, ajar. I paced myself faster this time, and the door flew open. I beheld a document that declared the ritualistic destruction of all Australian territories, using nuclear forces and military control, before taking it as their own land. My revulsion engulfed me like devious tendrils, strangling my heart and suffocating me in a pit of fear. Tears crowded around my eyelids, threatening to burst out.

       I thought of my friend, Fachet Rush, whom I had stood by until the very end, and the wistful memories of him as a friendly school child, helping a small child tie up his shoelaces and cheering loudly for his friends. But now he had been transformed into an evil mastermind, threatening to devastate the entire world. I was jutted between the opposing tides of defending my friend and upholding my moral values, and my moral compass had failed, its point erratically swaying from north to south. If I revealed the plan, I would betray years of friendship, but if I stayed quiet, Australia would be destroyed. I knew I had to do what’s right, so I reported my discoveries.

       I was a private investigator, and I had come to uncover the secrets of this powerful corporation. I ventured further into the labyrinth, my senses alert and my heart pounding. I was determined to find the answer and put an end to this evil. I ventured through the winding corridors and secret passages, and I came upon a chamber, illuminated by the light of a single candle. And there, I found the documents and plans that would unravel the mysterious truth.

       Reply
11. 

    caleb-wu

    12 February 2023 at 7:54 pm

    Part 3 writing on the treasure

    Untitled document (9)

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 3:43 pm

       Overall Score: 19/20

       Structure: 15/20
       The structure of the narrative is well-constructed and follows a cohesive arc. The use of repetition to bring closure to the scene is effective. However, the introduction could be tighter and more focused on the main idea or conflict of the narrative. For example, instead of opening with a description of the protagonist’s excitement, the opening could focus on the conflict of whether or not to keep the treasure.

       Sensory Imagery: 18/20
       The sensory imagery in this narrative is vivid and detailed. Descriptions of the sand glistening, the treasure chest timmering, and the jewels dazzling are effective in creating an immersive environment. However, the description of the bay could be more specific in order to create a more vivid image.

       Grammar: 20/20
       The grammar is excellent. There are no mistakes.

       Syntax: 20/20
       The syntax is varied and effective. Sentences are of varying lengths and use a variety of punctuation.

       Characterization: 18/20
       The protagonist is effectively characterized through their emotions, thoughts, and actions. The reader is able to experience the protagonist’s inner turmoil and indecision as they grapple with the moral dilemma of the treasure. However, the characterization could be further developed by providing more details about the protagonist’s backstory, such as their motivations for searching for the treasure.

       Vocabulary: 18/20
       The use of vocabulary is varied and engages the reader. However, there are some places where the vocabulary could be more sophisticated in order to create a more magical atmosphere. For example, instead of “scurried”, “darted” could be used. For further inspiration, consider words and phrases such as “skipped”, “prowled”, “lurked”, “whispered”, “trembled”, “shimmered”, “glimmered” and “glinted”.

       Juxtaposition: 20/20
       The juxtaposition between the protagonist’s dreams of riches and the moral message of the note is effective in conveying the protagonist’s inner conflict.

       Figurative Language: 17/20
       The use of figurative language is effective in creating a powerful atmosphere. For example, the phrase “tendrils of indecision slowly wrap up around my soul” is effective in conveying the protagonist’s inner turmoil. However, some moments could be further enhanced with more figurative language, such as the description of the bay.

       Rewritten Narrative:

       The salty sea breeze brushed my cheeks, like a gentle caress, as I prowled through the flaxen sand for hints of the grand treasure, buried by the infamous pirate Red Rackham. I had heard tales of this island, of the very same beach on which his boots had walked and the hole that had remained hidden from the rest of the world for centuries. But now, despite the treacherous seas that surrounded the isle, I could feel my riches and renown drawing near. The sand glimmered with possibility, and occasional shrubs and greenery adorned the peaceful bay.

       And then I saw it – a faint hint of wood, a relic of the treasure chest. I let my fingers slowly skip through the sand, and there it was. A brown chest, cloaked in moss, its lid trembling with anticipation. I opened it.

       A dazzling array of pearls and rubies spilled out, each corner adorned with glittering light. I inspected each one with cheerful happiness. Gold, emeralds, pearls, rubies. All a promise for grandeur and greatness. I felt a wave of dreams washing over me – dreams of a future when I would be a powerful millionaire, my wealth controlling entire societies, dreams of when I could establish a powerful corporate empire, my success stretching into the retail world. I could be rich and enjoy the finest pleasures of life.

       But amidst the mess of jewels, I saw a note, scrawled in a hasty scrawl – let these riches help the poor. My heart quivered, and disappointment smothered my soul, extinguishing the passionate flame of my hopes and dreams with a tumultuous torrent. Could I or could I not? Should I? The question came, a loud scream, questioning my self-seeking dreams. Should I? The question came again, this time angry, almost resentful. Tendrils of indecision slowly wound around my soul, slowly suffocating me with the pain of uncertainty.

       As a boy, I had been an adventurous vessel, my compass of ambition guiding me through the seas of my life. But now my control was scattered with a single demand, a single request for a better world. I had always wanted to be adorned with the jewels of riches, always wanted to be known, to be famous. But could I look upon the impoverished with a cold heart, to see them slowly aching with sorrow as they drink unfiltered water and sleep on strewn mats on the cold, dirty floor while I luxuriate in the opulence of a rich life? Would I want to live a life uninhibited by the commanding possessions of the powerful, to forego this valuable, crucial opportunity and risk regretting my decision?

       The answer was clear. I was going to help the poor. I was going to take a stand and embrace a life of selflessness, a life where I could make a difference in the world. I was going to accept the responsibility of a noble destiny, to reap the rewards of a fulfilling life and escape the whippings of a wasted opportunity. I was going to be the pirate who found a hidden treasure, and used it to make the world a better place.

       Reply
12. 

    caleb-wu

    12 February 2023 at 8:04 pm

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Awnvf4fR-uTeM2vH71fmr5L5A07SGKwadapf-MxJ3XU/edit#

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 3:46 pm

       Overall Score: 18/20

       Structure: 9/10
       The structure of this persuasive essay is effective in conveying the main points. For example, the writer states “In the 21st century, we have witnessed the effects of social media on society”, followed by “It is a ticking time bomb that slowly counts down, a sword of injustice and the whirlpool we all fall in”. This effectively conveys the idea that the effects of social media are severe and needs to be addressed. However, the writer could have further developed this idea by including more evidence to support their argument.

       Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
       The writer makes effective use of persuasive techniques throughout the essay. For example, the writer states “We will find a ray of hope to this dire situation by abandoning social media”. This effectively conveys the idea that social media has become a problem and abandoning it is the solution. However, the writer could have further developed this idea by using more persuasive techniques such as using rhetorical questions to get the reader thinking.

       Emotional Appeal: 10/10
       The writer makes effective use of emotional appeal throughout the essay. For example, the writer states “Innocent children are slabbed with the lethal sword of cyber-bullying, crying in agonising pain at the texts of doom”. This effectively conveys the idea of the emotional distress caused by cyber-bullying and gets the reader thinking about the severity of the situation.

       Figurative Language: 9/10
       The writer makes effective use of figurative language throughout the essay. For example, the writer states “Adults are isolated in their own dark room, like an helpless ant trapped in a human’s hand, unable to get out of this room of doom”. This effectively conveys the idea of the helplessness of adults who are trapped in the dark world of social media. However, the writer could have further developed this idea by using more figurative language to evoke a stronger emotional response from the reader.

       Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 10/10
       The writer makes effective use of grammar, syntax and evidence throughout the essay. For example, the writer states “It has been a well-known fact that social media is one of the major factors of cyber-bullying”. This effectively conveys the idea of the prevalence of cyberbullying caused by social media, and provides evidence to support the argument. The writer also makes effective use of vocabulary throughout the essay, using words such as “dire” and “whirlpool” to evoke an emotional response from the reader.

       More sophisticated versions of sentences and phrases:

       Persuasive Techniques:
       1. “Do we really want to continue down this path of destruction and agony?”
       2. “This is a choice between right and wrong, between good and bad.”
       3. “We must take a stand and make our voices heard.”
       4. “What would be the cost of our inaction?”
       5. “It is time to take a leap of faith and embrace a better future.”

       Figurative Language:
       1. “Adults are isolated in their own dark room, like a lone wolf surrounded by shadows of despair.”
       2. “The victims of cyberbullying are like a sinking ship in the ocean of injustice.”
       3. “Our younger generation will find who they really are and be the phoenix that rises from the ashes.”
       4. “Our society will become a shining beacon of hope and justice.”
       5. “The future of our world is in our hands and we must make the right choice.”

       Vocabulary Words and Phrases:
       1. Dire – Pernicious
       2. Agony – Misery
       3. Trauma – Mental anguish
       4. Unseeable – Inscrutable
       5. Galvanise – Stimulate

       Rewritten Persuasive Essay:
       As we continue to plunge deeper into the abyss of the 21st century, we have witnessed the pernicious effects of social media on society. It is a ticking time bomb that slowly counts down, a sword of injustice and the whirlpool we all fall in. The victims of cyberbullying are like a sinking ship in the ocean of injustice, crying an ocean of tears as they beg for help. Adults are isolated in their own dark room, like a lone wolf surrounded by shadows of despair, unable to escape the misery of this room of doom. It is crucial that we take a stand and ban social media in order to reduce the prevalence of cyberbullying and lack of sleep, as well as to encourage the development of our society and the population.

       What would be the cost of our inaction? Innocent children are slabbed with the lethal sword of cyber-bullying, crying in agonising misery at the texts of doom. They will suffer from long-term mental health damage such as depression, multiple mental-health issues and mental anguish. Relationships can be broken, and society will suffer. Social media also forces users to become self-conscious and embarrassed of their own self, as they are pressured to follow their role models and waste their money. In addition, it has caused a lack of sleep, which can lead to depression, trauma and mental-health related issues.

       We must take a leap of faith and embrace a better future, one without the whip of blue-light and addiction flogging us in agony. We must find a ray of hope to this pernicious situation by abandoning social media. Our younger generation will find who they really are and be the phoenix that rises from the ashes. Our society will become a shining beacon of hope and justice, and we will be able to sleep peacefully in the arms of serenity. By banning social media, we are taking a step in the right direction towards stopping the dire crisis of cyberbullying and lack of sleep, and also developing ourselves and others around us.

       Social media has become a leading factor of inscrutable problems. It is time to make the right choice and ban it, as it is the only way we can prevent the future of our world from collapsing. Our future is in our hands, and it is up to us to ensure that we make the right decision.

       Reply
13. 

    adam-zhao

    12 February 2023 at 8:12 pm

    Imagine a teen chatting with someone of his same age without knowing that he/she was pretended by an adult. Social media is part of people’s lives, but there are many negative impacts which include scams, distraction from their learning and a lack of privacy.. I believe that students should not be allowed to interact on social media.

    The main reason why social media should be banned is because there are many scams and forms of hacking. What I mean by this is that when some people enter a website, they are hacked because when they click it, the website is designed to put a virus into your device. It may even take you from having a specialist fix it to buying a whole New laptop. Also, when youths log on, they tend to not know if it is real or not and start posting and when they post a certain amount, the hackers find out all about his/her private information.

    My next reason is that it distracts students from learning. Social media can easily take up several hours during the day. It can be difficult to tear ourselves away from social media apps on our phone. We have been conditioned to have access to everything that everyone else is doing, at all times. This makes it difficult to focus on the present. Life can be happening all around us, yet we often refuse to take notice. Soon, people become addicted and may commit serious things to get what they want to get online.

    Social media is dangerous when children don’t protect their information with their best abilities. Scammers look for kids online to hack. They may only be looking at pictures, however, they are also looking for more interaction. An older man may pose as a child of the same age to entice a child into a conversation. This could happen repeatedly and can go on for months before they attempt to meet the child in person.

    In conclusion, due to the reasons above, I strongly agree that students should not have any access to social media because they may be hacked and scammed, it distracts them from learning and that they can’t protect their private information. That is why I strongly agree that students should not have the power to use social media. Let us restrict social media.

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 3:49 pm

       Overall Score: 18/20

       Structure: 8/10
       The structure of the essay is well organized and provides a clear introduction, body and conclusion. However, the introduction is a bit vague and could be more direct in what it is presenting. For instance: “Social media has become an integral part of our lives, and while it has provided us with many benefits, it also has its fair share of drawbacks. In this essay, I will be arguing that students should not be allowed to interact on social media, as it can cause many dangers to them.”

       Persuasive Techniques: 5/5
       Within this essay, the author has used many persuasive techniques. For example, when discussing the dangers of hacking, the author states: “It may even take you from having a specialist fix it to buying a whole New laptop.” This statement is an effective use of pathos, as it evokes an emotional response from the reader. Furthermore, the author also uses logic when stating: “An older man may pose as a child of the same age to entice a child into a conversation.” This statement provides a logical explanation as to why social media should be banned.

       Emotional Appeal: 4/5
       The author has effectively used emotional appeals throughout their essay. For example, when discussing the dangers of hacking, the author states: “It may even take you from having a specialist fix it to buying a whole New laptop.” This statement is an effective use of pathos, as it evokes an emotional response from the reader. Furthermore, when discussing the distraction of social media, the author states: “We have been conditioned to have access to everything that everyone else is doing, at all times.” This statement is an effective use of ethos, as it is providing an authoritative statement.

       Figurative Language: 4/5
       The author has effectively used figurative language within their essay. For example, when discussing the dangers of social media, the author states: “It can be difficult to tear ourselves away from social media apps on our phone.” This statement is an effective use of a metaphor, as it is comparing the difficulty of leaving social media to tearing oneself away from something. Furthermore, when discussing the distraction of social media, the author states: “Soon, people become addicted and may commit serious things to get what they want to get online.” This statement is an effective use of hyperbole, as it is exaggerating the situation.

       Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 1/2
       The grammar, syntax and vocabulary used within this essay is mostly correct. However, there are a few issues that need to be addressed. For example, the sentence: “My next reason is that it distracts students from learning.” should be: “My next reason is that it distracts students from their learning.” Additionally, the author could use more sophisticated vocabulary, such as: “When youths log on, they tend to not know if it is genuine or not and start posting and when they post a certain amount, the hackers glean all of their private information.”

       Use of Evidence: 5/5
       The author has effectively used evidence within their essay. For example, when discussing the dangers of hacking, the author states: “When some people enter a website, they are hacked because when they click it, the website is designed to put a virus into your device.” This statement is an effective use of evidence, as it is providing specific examples of the dangers of hacking. Furthermore, when discussing the distraction of social media, the author states: “It can be difficult to tear ourselves away from social media apps on our phone.” This statement is an effective use of evidence, as it is providing a specific example of how social media can be distracting.

       Rewrite:

       The ubiquity of social media in our lives today has brought with it many advantages, but it is also rife with perils, such as scams, a distraction from learning, and a breach of privacy. For these reasons, I firmly believe that students should not be permitted to access social media.

       To begin with, social media can be a breeding ground for cybercrime. When users enter a website, they can be hacked, and the malicious code installed on their device can be difficult to remove without the help of a specialist. Furthermore, when kids log in to a website, they may not be aware of the true identity of the people they are interacting with, and if they post too much personal information, hackers can acquire it and use it against them.

       Moreover, social media can be a major distraction for students, as it can take up several hours of their day. We have become so accustomed to having access to all the information that our peers share that it is hard to focus on the present. This can lead to people becoming addicted to their devices and taking drastic measures to get what they want online.

       Lastly, children often fail to protect their personal information. Predators may pose as someone of the same age in order to draw them into a conversation. They may do this repeatedly and it could go unnoticed for months until they decide to meet the child in person.

       In conclusion, due to the dangers of hacking, the distraction it can cause, and the inability of children to protect their information, I strongly believe that students should not have access to social media. We must restrict its use to ensure the safety of our children.

       Reply
14. 

    elvial

    12 February 2023 at 10:10 pm

    Social Media
    Social media has every single user under its thumb. It can control us and manipulate you, making you feel emotions you never intended to feel and make decisions you regret. It traps us in a web of jealousy and insecurity. You find yourself scrolling through your social media for hours. Truly, social media is a drug to society. It will grasp onto you and make you look at others till your eyelids finally give in. How much more can this disgrace to society take from us? It’s time that we fight against the use of social media.

    Have you ever come back from a holiday and your classmates or friends go on and on about all the fun things they did? Well imagine having to experience this torture for every picture you see. When you see a picture of, for example, someone on a marvellous vacation and you’re stuck at home, you start to compare yourself to the constructed lives that you follow. If you always compare yourself to people who don’t necessarily have a better life than you, you will be blind to all the good things going on in your life. Don’t turn a blind eye to all the good things blessed into your life all because social media has masked away all the imperfections in others’ lives. You shouldn’t be jealous of others because you saw a picture. Multiple research projects have concluded that as much as jealousy can help you focus on your goals, it can cause resentment and defensiveness. We can avoid this by saying no to social media.

    Furthermore, social media platforms not only make you feel jealous, they make you feel insecure. In a research project conducted by Medvisit, it proved that social media platforms such as Instagram and Facebook, celebrities set achievable standards for many people. This can include million dollar mansions to unrealistic body features. Our insecurities grow when we see these things because we look at ourselves and ask, why do I still not have a lamborghini? Why don;t I have such a thin waist? Also, if you post a picture of yourself and you receive a negative comment your hopes and ego are smashed into fragments. Just a few letters is enough to take you down. Don’t let social media affect you like this. You can avoid such dire situations by going against the use of social media.

    Additionally, have you ever found yourself unable to stop scrolling. It’s like there’s a ghost, grabbing your finger and making you keep scrolling. Social media has the ability to make you addicted to it. Many health articles have noticed that when going through social media, your eyes are exposed to too much blue light which can be detrimental to your health. Iberdrola stated that heavy social media addiction can lead to depression, family ties cut and even suicidal thoughts. Moreover, addiction can cause lower scores and not being able to concentrate. If a student’s falls into the pit of social media, scores could lower and they can end up battling many consequences. While social media captivated many young minds, the numbers soared as the pandemic hit. But how do people get addicted to social media? Social media drives surges of dopamine to the brain, making it come back over and over. The shares, likes and comments hits right and the brain’s reward centre, allowing users to share the same triumphant feeling and gamblers and people using drugs. Once the brain is exposed to these emotions, turning off the device becomes impossible.

    Society can deceive our brian into thinking our life is fruitless and meaningless, we’re not meeting the expectations and that scrolling down even more will bring infinite joy. Social media devours the truth of many things and lures you into thinking the wrong things. Don’t become susceptible to all the nasty things social media has for you so say no to it.

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 3:52 pm

       Overall Score: 19/20

       Structure:

       The structure of this persuasive essay is effective. It is composed of three main parts: an introduction, a body of evidence and a conclusion. Each of these parts is written logically and clearly, moving from the general to the specific and using transition words to guide the reader. The writer also uses a clear argumentative voice, making it clear to the reader what their stance is.

       However, the writer could have further strengthened the structure by introducing a counterargument in the middle of the body of evidence. This would have demonstrated their understanding of the issue and provided more depth to the essay.

       Persuasive Techniques:
       The writer makes effective use of persuasive techniques throughout this essay. They effectively use pathos to evoke emotion in the reader, such as when they write “Truly, social media is a drug to society. It will grasp onto you and make you look at others till your eyelids finally give in. How much more can this disgrace to society take from us?” The writer also uses logos to present logical arguments, such as when they write “Multiple research projects have concluded that as much as jealousy can help you focus on your goals, it can cause resentment and defensiveness.”

       The writer could also have strengthened their persuasive techniques by exploring a wider range of rhetorical devices. For instance, the use of anaphora or alliteration could have helped emphasize the writer’s points.

       Emotional Appeal:
       The writer effectively uses emotional language to make their points. For example, when they write “We can avoid this by saying no to social media.” or “It’s time that we fight against the use of social media”, they are using strong language to evoke emotion in the reader.

       The writer could have further strengthened their emotional appeal by further exploring metaphors and similes to help the reader better connect with their argument.

       Figurative Language:
       The writer effectively uses figurative language throughout this essay. They use a variety of metaphors to make their points, such as “social media has every single user under its thumb” and “It traps us in a web of jealousy and insecurity.” The writer also uses powerful verbs to make readers feel the gravity of their points, such as “grasp” and “smashed”.

       The writer could have further strengthened their use of figurative language by exploring a wider range of metaphors and similes to help the reader better connect with their argument.

       Grammar and Syntax:
       The writer effectively uses grammar and syntax to convey their argument. They use a variety of sentence structures to keep the essay interesting, such as short and concise sentences as well as longer, complex sentences. The writer also effectively avoids run-on sentences and fragments.

       The writer could have further strengthened their grammar and syntax by exploring a wider range of sentence structures, such as simple, compound and complex sentences.

       Use of Evidence:
       The writer effectively uses evidence to support their argument. They cite multiple sources and back up their points with facts and statistics. For example, they cite “Iberdrola” to prove that “heavy social media addiction can lead to depression, family ties cut and even suicidal thoughts.”

       The writer could have further strengthened their use of evidence by exploring a wider range of sources, such as books and academic journals, to further support their points.

       Vocabulary:
       The writer effectively uses a wide range of vocabulary to convey their argument. They use words such as “grasp”, “smashed” and “devours” to evoke emotion in the reader.

       The writer could have further strengthened their use of vocabulary by exploring a wider range of emotionally evocative words, such as “ensnared”, “ravaged” and “corrupt”.

       Rewrite Answer
       Social media has become a ubiquitous part of our lives, yet it is not without its drawbacks. We are ensnared in a web of jealousy and insecurity; a drug that can make us feel emotions we never intended to feel and make decisions we regret. It can cause us to feel inadequate and dissatisfied with our own lives, masking away all the imperfections of others’ lives and blinding us to all that is good in our own. It can even lead to depression, family ties severed, and even suicidal thoughts. It is time that we recognize the insidiousness of this technology, and take a stand against its use.

       We must recognize the power of comparison: When we see a picture of someone on a marvellous vacation, we can’t help but compare ourselves to the constructed lives we follow. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment, and can cause us to become blind to all the good things in our own lives. It is important to remember that we must not let social media dictate how we feel about ourselves.

       Moreover, social media can lead to addiction. We find ourselves scrolling through our feeds, unable to break free of the ghostly grip on our fingers. Our eyes are exposed to too much blue light, and our dopamine levels surge when we receive a like or comment, creating the same addictive feeling experienced by gamblers and drug users. This can be detrimental to our health, leading to lower scores, poor concentration, and even depression.

       It is time that we take a stand against social media, and take back control of our lives. We must remember that it is not our lives that are fruitless and meaningless, but the lies and filtered images that social media perpetuates. We must not become susceptible to its power, lest it consume us. We must recognize the dangers of this technology, and make a conscious effort to avoid its use. The time has come to fight against the use of social media.

       Reply
15. 

    caleb-wu

    13 February 2023 at 8:06 am

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RnAl1wSOvEVjoTlvKaCFawd6yHuoen1uwzMt2caXf1A/edit?usp=sharing

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 3:54 pm

       Overall score out of 20: 18

       Structure: 8
       The structure of the essay is clear and easy to follow. The introduction and conclusion are both strong and effective in setting the tone of the essay and making the main points. However, the transitions between the paragraphs could be improved. For example: “This is why inclusion of visual arts into the curriculum is vital” could be replaced with “This is why it is essential to include visual arts in our curriculum”.

       Persuasive Techniques: 8
       The essay uses several persuasive techniques to make its point. For example, the author appeals to the readers by stating: “Think about the legacy you want to leave behind on our precious little diamonds”. Additionally, the author uses a rhetorical question to make the reader think: “But, really, are they?”. To make the essay even more persuasive, the author could use more vivid language and imagery. For example, “We all want them to be flourishing and to live a prosperous life” could be replaced with “We all want them to thrive and live a life of abundance”.

       Emotional Appeal: 8
       The author makes a strong emotional appeal to the reader. For example, the author states: “Picture the possibilities that visual arts and extracurriculars can bring us”. Additionally, the author uses a simile to create a vivid image for the reader: “Students will flourish like blossoming flowers in Spring”. To make the emotional appeal of the essay even stronger, the author could use more powerful language and imagery. For example, “Students will flourish like blossoming flowers in Spring” could be replaced with “Students will thrive like the first buds of Spring”.

       Figurative Language: 8
       The author uses figurative language to create vivid imagery and evoke emotion in the reader. For example, the author states: “they will learn to utilise their creativity in so many ways”. Additionally, the author uses a metaphor to make the point: “Creativity is like a gift that was given only to us”. To make the essay more effective, the author could use stronger figurative language. For example, “Creativity is like a gift that was given only to us” could be replaced with “Creativity is a precious gift that was bestowed upon us”.

       Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 8
       The grammar, syntax and use of evidence are all well-structured and effective. The author uses a range of vocabulary to make the essay more interesting and engaging. However, to make the essay even more sophisticated, the author could use more advanced vocabulary. For example, the phrase “dire crisis” could be replaced with “cataclysmic plight”.

       Vocab list:
       Cataclysmic – calamitous, disastrous
       Plight – misfortune, quandary
       Prosperous – affluent, wealthy
       Thrive – flourish, bloom
       Abundance – profusion, plethora
       Precious – invaluable, priceless
       Legacy – heritage, bequest

       Art and music classes should be an integral part of the curriculum in order to foster the full potential of our students. These activities should not be considered merely as optional extracurriculars but rather as essential tools for personal and professional development. Art and music classes provide an outlet for creativity and expression that is not found in traditional academic studies. With the incorporation of these activities, students can explore their imaginative capabilities while developing a greater understanding and appreciation of the world around them.

       In addition to the creative benefits of these classes, there are practical life skills that will be learned. Students will learn the importance of teamwork and cooperation, as well as critical problem solving and critical thinking skills. These skills will be invaluable in their future professional lives and will help them navigate the complexities of the modern world. Furthermore, art and music classes will provide a platform for interpersonal communication, which is essential for successful relationships.

       Moreover, art and music classes can also be used to promote social and emotional learning. These classes allow students to explore their emotions and feelings in a safe and secure environment. They can also be used to foster empathy and understanding by encouraging students to explore different perspectives and cultures. By providing a platform for emotional growth, art and music classes can help students become more well-rounded and empathetic individuals.

       Ultimately, the incorporation of art and music classes into the curriculum is essential for the development of our youth. It is an invaluable opportunity for students to explore their creative capacities, develop practical life skills, and foster emotional and social growth. With these classes, students can embark upon a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, which will help to shape them into well-rounded and successful adults.

       Reply
16. 

    chewis007

    13 February 2023 at 4:24 pm

    Prompt 11 writing hw

    Mission Accomplished

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 3:58 pm

       Overall Score: 18

       Structure: 8/10
       The narrative has a clear structure, beginning with the setting and progressing to the climax of the story. The structure of the narrative is easy to follow. However, it could benefit from further clarification of the protagonist’s inner journey and the development of their character arc throughout the narrative.

       Sensory Imagery: 9/10
       The narrative contains vivid sensory imagery that helps to paint a vivid picture of the story. For example, “Fulgurating lightning streaked down from the tenebrous, caliginous sky, lashing out with its irriguous, murderous hand, annihilating anything in its path like a hideous beast ready to pounce.” However, some of the imagery could be further developed to create a more vivid picture.

       Grammar: 10/10
       The grammar in this narrative is excellent. The sentences are well constructed and the usage of punctuation is correct.

       Syntax: 10/10
       The syntax in this narrative is excellent. The sentences flow naturally and the transitions between sentences are smooth.

       Characterization: 8/10
       The protagonist is well-developed and their inner journey is clear. However, their character arc could be further developed to show their growth and transformation throughout the narrative.

       Vocabulary: 8/10
       The vocabulary used in this narrative is good. However, it could be further developed to create a more vivid and evocative narrative.

       Juxtaposition: 8/10
       The juxtaposition in this narrative is effective, as it helps to create a contrast between the protagonist’s inner and outer worlds. However, it could be further developed to create a stronger sense of contrast and tension.

       Figurative Language: 9/10
       The figurative language in this narrative is effective in creating vivid imagery. For example, “The trees were a vibrant canvas, their leaves of green and gold creating a kaleidoscope of colour.” However, some of the figurative language could be further developed to create a more vivid and evocative narrative.

       Vocabulary List

       Synonymous words and phrases:

       – Wild and untamed: Ferocious and savage
       – Elusive: Evasive
       – Fulgurating: Flashing
       – Caliginous: Murky
       – Irriguous: Torrential
       – Tenebrous: Gloomy
       – Malicious: Vicious
       – Intimidating: Menacing
       – Gnawed: Devoured
       – Soot: Grime
       – Vacillation: Indecision
       – Insecurities: Doubts
       – Capable: Adept
       – Soaring: Ascending
       – Synchronised: Harmonized
       – Quilt: Patchwork
       – Symphony: Concert
       – Serene: Tranquil
       – Entombed: Imprisoned
       – Hushed: Whispered
       – Dignity: Honor
       – Triumph: Victory

       Rewritten Narrative

       The sea was a maelstrom of ferocity and savagery, a perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues, and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive prize. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure.

       I had been a courageous explorer, charting my course through life, following my own moral compass. Yet, I was engulfed by an inner tempest that threatened to upturn the very foundation of my being. The waves rose higher and higher; thundered nearer and nearer; broke into a clamorous roar of boiling foam and rammed into the stern of the boat like galloping foam horses. The spray from the waves was a bleeding mist in the red light of the setting sun – their booming roar like a wounded animal. Flashing lightning streaked down from the gloomy, murky sky, lashing out with its torrential, vicious hand, annihilating anything in its path like a hideous beast ready to pounce. The baleful storm sneered diabolically as it commanded the clouds to loom into a hellish black mass. An immense guillotine blade of lightning streaked across the horizon and illuminated it with a stark sapphire spark. Dazzling arrows of lightning tore the night sky apart, ripping its belly and flooding the boat. A mass of churning foam rose in an arch high above the boat, threatened to bury it in its watery grave and into the inky depths. The raging sea was swirling with indignant anger, livid blue bulging eyes and devilish, malicious, menacing jaws thirsty for its next prey. Despite the raging waters engulfing me, I had no fear. I don’t fear death in this world. No cut, scar or wound shall penetrate me.

       The storm faded away. An island stretched out as far as the eye could see. Old oak trees stood tall and majestic, their branches stretching to the sky like outstretched arms, their leaves a vibrant green canopy that rustled in the breeze. The trees were sentinels, standing tall and proud, their branches reaching up to the sky in hope. The trees were a vibrant canvas, their leaves of green and gold creating a kaleidoscope of colour. The trees were a choir, their leaves rustling in the breeze like a chorus of song. The sweet chirps of the birds were a harmonized melody of hope and wonder as they serenaded around one another. The landscape was breath-taking; a vast terrain of land stretched out before me, dotted with trees and rolling hills, a vivid blend of colours that seemed to stretch on forever. The fields were a patchwork of life, a quilt of colours and textures that seemed to come alive with the rising sun. The fields were a concert, their music a gentle melody that echoed in the wind.

       But as I stepped into the island, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. The place felt sinister. It was the type of place that made people hasten their steps as they passed. It was the type of place polluted by the black veil of grime, smog and smoke. It was the type of place where the air was thick with the scent of pollution, the stench almost overwhelming. Derelict trees stood lifeless – dark green moss spread across the trunks like mould on bread, as if they had been devoured by hundreds of famished rats. The island was beautiful on the outside, but darkness lurked beneath its surface.

       A murderous voice shivered down my spine. The pounding of my heartbeat thundered in my ears, about to jump out of my ribs. I prowled the island like a caged lioness, grappling with the enormity of my indecision. I knew the treasure was a stone’s throw away, but where? I had trained my whole life for this moment, to feel a sense of pride and honor for my family name. I couldn’t go back now.

       The sneering voice of my own doubts whispered its insidious questions, making it hard for me to see the strength within. But, deep down, I knew that my spirit was adept of ascending to great heights. My inner angel voice of hope chanted ‘beneath you, beneath you’. A crimson-brown chest was gleaming with scrubbed and polished wood. The air was imprisoned in silence like a whispered serenity. A calming presence that seemed to embrace all who breathed it in. The air was a gentle caress, a soft touch that soothed the soul. The air was a whisper, a voice that seemed to carry on the breeze. The only sound I could hear was the sound of victory. The sound of dignity. I breathed in the air of triumph.

       “Mission accomplished,” the speaker announced.

       The pixels faded away.

       My level upgraded to 2.

       The game maker took off my VR headset.

       “So, how did it go?”

       I smiled with satisfaction, for I had found the hidden treasure that I had been searching for. I had sailed the stormy seas and navigated the treacherous waters. I had faced the tempest and conquered my insecurities. I had done it. I had found the hidden treasure.

       Reply
17. 

    xuhower

    13 February 2023 at 4:43 pm

    The night was dark and still, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would be difficult, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation. As the moon eerily hung in the frigid night’s air, staring down at me grimly as if it were full of secrets like the corporation, I crept in the building, where they were suspected to maintain the needed information.

    I was in enemy lands. My boss is from a foreign country, and the leaders of the country agreed that this one might be planning a brutal attack. Desperate to stop them, I signed up, and then, I wound up here. A chilling sense of coldness made my hairs stand straight as a solider saluting. I searched the place, up and down the dusty walls, occasionally pulling out my blacklight to double check. I knew I couldn’t take that that long. The guard would arrive sooner or later. My legs felt as if they were pinned down with perpetual exhaustion as time slowly rolled by. As my heart umped up and down, I entered a sceptically normal room.

    There was a large painting, and as I looked behind it, a mocking smile wedged onto my face. Wasn’t that too cliché? All the spy movies or books included something behind a painting. As I glanced around at the seemingly only room with loads of stuff within, my gaze fell upon a misplaced Lego Ferris wheel, which contrary to the grim atmosphere around, seemed playful, and made for children. I had a choice. To destroy it, or to carefully check it. In order to not arouse suspicion, I gently knocked on the impressive structure, and when it sounded hollow, removed a brick.

    To my slight surprise, squished in the tiny gaps of the Lego was a rolled piece of paper. I carefully removed it and restored the Lego.
    Just then, dim sounds of footsteps alerted my drifting mind. The guard must’ve arrived just then. I forced the disobeying window open, and gracefully slipped outside. The guard must’ve heard some noise as he came rushing to the room right when I jumped out of the window, onto a minuscule ledge. I was on the edge of my life. One wrong move and I perish, along with the war plans. I carefully slid along, tying the convenient rope to a balcony pole a few steps away. I had suspected I would end up like this. When I got to safe ground, my mind flew over what had just happened. Adrenaline pulsed in my veins and as I took a deep breath, ran to my escape truck. I recalled that I had nearly died retrieving those papers. However, I would do anything for my country, and as a genuine smile etched itself onto my exhausted face, I rode to my agency.

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 4:01 pm

       Overall score: 18/20

       Structure: 9/10
       The structure of this passage is effective in conveying a suspenseful atmosphere. The writer creates a sense of tension through the use of short sentences and a building narrative. For example, “My boss is from a foreign country, and the leaders of the country agreed that this one might be planning a brutal attack. Desperate to stop them, I signed up, and then, I wound up here.” The writer’s use of short sentences helps to portray the urgency of the situation, while the building narrative creates suspense. To further enhance the suspense, the writer could include more vivid details and imagery.

       Sensory Imagery: 7/10
       The passage includes some sensory imagery, however it could be improved. For example, the writer mentions “the moon eerily hung in the frigid night’s air, staring down at me grimly as if it were full of secrets like the corporation.” This is an effective use of sensory imagery, as it helps to create a sense of tension and suspense. However, the writer could include more vivid imagery in order to create a more immersive experience for the reader. For example, the writer could include more details about the setting, such as the smell of the night air or the sound of the wind.

       Grammar: 10/10
       The grammar in this passage is excellent. The writer uses a variety of sentence structures and proper punctuation to create a well-crafted narrative.

       Syntax: 10/10
       The syntax in this passage is effective. The writer uses a variety of sentence structures to create a suspenseful atmosphere. For example, the writer uses short sentences to create a sense of urgency and tension, while longer sentences are used to build suspense.

       Characterization: 8/10
       The characterization in this passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s emotions and motivations. The writer includes small details, such as “my heart umped up and down” and “desperate to stop them, I signed up,” to help the reader connect with the protagonist. However, the writer could include more details in order to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the reader.

       Vocabulary: 8/10
       The vocabulary in this passage is effective in conveying the mood and atmosphere of the narrative. The writer includes words such as “eerily” and “grimly” to create a sense of suspense and tension. However, the writer could use more sophisticated and magical words to further enhance the atmosphere. For example, words such as “sinister”, “unsettling”, “ghastly”, and “ominous” could be used in place of “eerily” and “grimly” to create a more vivid atmosphere.

       Juxtaposition: 8/10
       The juxtaposition in this passage is effective in creating a sense of tension and suspense. For example, the writer juxtaposes the “mocking smile” and the “grim atmosphere” to create a sense of contrast. The writer could use more juxtapositions to further enhance the atmosphere. For example, the writer could juxtapose the protagonist’s “desperation” with the “playful” Lego Ferris wheel to create a sense of contrast.

       Figurative Language: 8/10
       The figurative language in this passage is effective in creating a vivid atmosphere. For example, the writer includes a metaphor when they say “my legs felt as if they were pinned down with perpetual exhaustion” to convey the protagonist’s exhaustion. The writer could use more metaphors and similes to further enhance the atmosphere.

       Rewritten Narrative:

       The night was as dark as a raven’s wing and as silent as a graveyard. I was hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would be difficult, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation.

       As the moon hung in the cold night sky, its pallid face watching me like a hawk, I crept into the building. My boss was from a foreign country, and I had been informed that this corporation might be planning a malicious attack. Desperate to stop them, I had no choice but to take on this job.

       My heart raced and my legs trembled as I searched the place, up and down the dusty walls, occasionally pulling out my blacklight to double check. I knew I couldn’t take too long; the guard would arrive sooner or later.

       As I entered a suspiciously normal room, a mocking smirk appeared on my face. Behind a large painting, I spotted a misplaced Lego Ferris wheel, a playful reminder of childhood, which seemed out of place in this grim atmosphere. I had a choice: to destroy it or to carefully check it. In order to not arouse suspicion, I gently knocked on the impressive structure and upon hearing a slight echo, removed one of the Lego blocks.

       To my slight surprise, squished in the tiny gaps of the Lego was a rolled piece of paper. I carefully removed it and restored the Lego.

       Just then, faint sounds of footsteps alerted my drifting mind. The guard must have arrived. I forced the disobeying window open and gracefully slipped outside. I was on the brink of death. One wrong move and I would have perished, along with the war plans. I tied a convenient rope to a balcony pole a few steps away and carefully slid along, my heart pounding in my chest. When I reached safe ground, I ran to my escape truck, a genuine smile etched onto my exhausted face. I had nearly died retrieving those papers, but I would do anything for my country. I rode to my agency, my breathing heavy with adrenaline.

       Reply
18. 

    Kfir

    13 February 2023 at 8:13 pm

    part 1 homework: Social media has drastically changed the way people interact in society and the amount of influence it has on our society is profound, however not all of the changes it has caused have been positive. As more and more individuals rely on social media as a primary source of daily communication, the potential for negative effects increases. This persuasive essay will discuss the various ways in which social media has been detrimental to the health and well-being of individuals, and why it is necessary for society to address the issue at hand.

    One of the main effects of social media is the increased risk associated with cyberbullying. Since nearly all modern day communication is done online, individuals increasingly have access to an unending supply of hateful messages and hurtful dialog. This can not only lead to feelings of alienation and hurt amongst those suffering from cyberbullying, but it can also lead to other, more serious issues such as anxiety, depression and in extreme cases, suicide.

    Another potential risk associated with social media is its potential as an avenue for malicious activities. With the ability to instantaneously message, comment and interact on a global level, malicious groups, organisations and individuals have the potential to gain access to private data, steal identities and further perpetuate numerous cyber crimes.

    Social media use has also been associated with a decreased awareness of the reality of communication. With the rise of application-based messaging, such as Instagram and Twitter, individuals can instantly connect with anyone across the world, potentially in an unauthenticated manner. This has led to an increased amount of people believing that all messages, posts and interactions are real and can create unrealistic perceptions about other peoples’ lives.

    Finally, the amount of time that individuals spend on social media can be detrimental to other aspects of their lives. Studies have consistently shown that individuals who use social media for long periods of time experience lower academic performance, decrease in motivation, diminished physical health and overall reduced quality of life.

    In conclusion, the myriad of bad effects associated with social media must be recognized and addressed. Its impact on communication and social connectedness, as well as its potential for malicious activities and its direct impact on the physical and mental well-being of individuals can not be overemphasised. Individuals must recognize the dangers associated with its misuse and seek to actively limit its detrimental impact. If society is to continue to take advantage of the positive potential of social media, this must be ensured through thoughtful use, awareness and education.

    Reply
    1. 

       Kfir

       13 February 2023 at 8:32 pm

       Art and music: integral parts in our lives. Whether you believe me or not, this is the truth. Music and art are everywhere, from graffiti to music you hear on the radio. In fact, doing something as complex as a visually appealing presentation requires you to use your knowledge of art to make the presentation more legible.

       If this is so, why do people dismiss art and music as unimportant, unrequired subjects, things that are seen as things for the lazy, dismissing creativity and moving to logic?

       Creative arts as a whole is not what people think it is. From debating to drama, it covers a wide range of topics requiring talent beyond basic academic subjects, and encourages you to use the creative side of your mind. It has grown to become a KLA in the NSW primary school curriculum, and a great opportunity to flash out your skills.

       We live in a world of wonder, where people create new things, revolutionising the world to great extents. But people who do these things aren’t just the ones who strived in academics, they are the ones who took to creative arts such as painting and sculpting, using their respective art as a guide and using their knowledge to revolutionise the world.

       How would you feel if you could be one of those people?

       As well as that, it is necessary that students do not live depressing lives filled with the boredom of infinite textbook studying, and take enjoyment in life. Art has been scientifically proven to raise the mood, and will assist in helping you try new things as you experiment with your creations.

       Simply, art is the life buoy saving many children from drowning in homework.

       To guarantee that our pupils receive the greatest education possible, it is essential to include music and art into the curriculum. It may support cooperation and communication among students, encourage creativity and imagination, make learning enjoyable and engaging, and support mental and emotional health. We must embrace art and music and include them into the curriculum if we want to educate our pupils for the future.

       Reply
    2. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 4:04 pm

       Overall score: 17/20

       Structure: 8/10
       The essay is well structured as it begins with an introduction, then moves on to discuss the various ways in which social media has been detrimental to the health and well-being of individuals, and why it is necessary for society to address the issue. However, the paragraphs could be further developed to provide a more in-depth discussion on the topic. For example, the paragraph on cyberbullying could be further expanded to discuss how cyberbullying affects the mental health of the victims and how it can lead to anxiety and depression.

       Persuasive Techniques: 6/10
       The essay makes use of persuasive techniques such as the use of evidence, however, there is a lack of emotionally evocative language. For example, instead of saying “the potential for negative effects increases”, a more emotionally charged phrase such as “the threat for disaster looms” could be used to further emphasize the gravity of the situation. Additionally, more figurative language could be used to further develop the argument.

       Emotional Appeal: 6/10
       The essay does make use of emotionally charged language, however, it could be further developed to include more emotionally evocative language to further enhance the argument. For example, instead of saying “the amount of time that individuals spend on social media can be detrimental to other aspects of their lives”, a more emotionally charged phrase such as “social media can consume our lives if we are not careful” could be used to further emphasize the point being made.

       Figurative Language: 5/10
       The essay does not make use of much figurative language, however, there are opportunities to include it. For example, instead of saying “social media has been detrimental to the health and well-being of individuals”, a more figurative phrase such as “social media can be a poison to our society” could be used to further emphasize the point being made.

       Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 7/10
       The essay is written in a clear and concise manner, however, there are opportunities to use a wider range of vocabulary to further enhance the argument. For example, instead of using the word “detrimental”, a more sophisticated word such as “pernicious” could be used to further emphasize the point being made.

       Use of Evidence: 7/10
       The essay does make use of evidence to support its argument, however, there are opportunities to use more evidence to further enhance the argument. For example, the paragraph on cyberbullying could be further supported with evidence from studies that show the effects of cyberbullying on the mental health of victims.

       Vocabulary List:
       Negative Effects: Perilous, Catastrophic, Detrimental, Harmful, Precarious

       Cyberbullying: Torment, Intimidation, Harass, Bully

       Malicious Activities: Malefic, Vicious, Villainous, Sinister

       Reality of Communication: Unrealistic, Illusory, Fanciful

       Time on Social Media: Consume, Immerse, Engross, Ensnare

       Write a persuasive essay arguing for or against the use of social media.

       From its ability to connect billions of people across the world to its potential to propagate malicious activities, social media has revolutionized the way we communicate and interact with each other. But does this new technology come with a hidden cost? Is the use of social media actually detrimental to our mental, physical and emotional health?

       One of the main risks associated with social media use is cyberbullying. Individuals can now easily access an unending supply of hateful messages and hurtful dialog, which can lead to feelings of alienation, anxiety, depression and in extreme cases, suicide. Research has shown that cyberbullying has a severe and long-lasting impact on the mental health of both the victim and the bully, and can lead to a range of negative emotions and behaviours.

       Additionally, social media can be an avenue for malicious activities. With the ability to instantaneously message, comment and interact on a global level, malicious groups, organisations and individuals have the potential to gain access to private data, steal identities and further perpetuate numerous cyber crimes.

       Moreover, with the rise of application-based messaging such as Instagram and Twitter, individuals can be exposed to an unrealistic perception of reality. This can lead to people believing that all messages, posts and interactions are real, and can create a sense of false hope and expectations.

       Finally, many studies have consistently shown that individuals who use social media for long periods of time experience lower academic performance, decrease in motivation, diminished physical health and overall reduced quality of life.

       In conclusion, the potential risks associated with the misuse of social media must be addressed and actively limited. We must be aware of the dangers of its misuse and seek to ensure that we take advantage of the positive potential of social media through thoughtful use, awareness and education. Otherwise, we risk damaging the very foundations of our society, and endangering the health and well-being of individuals.

       Reply
19. 

    Kfir

    13 February 2023 at 8:42 pm

    Aye, The Pirate Sea Saga of Sailing and Treasure

    I, the fearless pirate Joe Markov, had set sail on a grand adventure to find the long-lost treasure of Commodore Davis. For weeks, I navigated unknown waters beneath dark and daunting pirate skies, seeking clues to the Commodore’s legendary hoard.

    My crew and I had heard stories of the riches held by the great Commodore Davis, a legendary pirate leader of the Caribbean Sea. We sailed, wind tossing our sails and rippling the crystal blue water beneath us, desperate to unearth the treasure he had been rumored to stow away centuries ago.

    We followed any lead that presented itself: we searched in treacherous underground caves, listened to the stories of fishermen, tracked down maps and artifacts, and explored islands with their distinct culture and histories. We moved from landfall to landfall, unready to accept that this treasure had eluded us.

    Every chance I got, I stopped to scan the horizon with my telescope, hoping to peer beyond the bow and spot the signs of the Commodore’s secret trove. But nothing came to our eyes, only the continuous expanse of blue. Days passed, then weeks and then months of nothing showed on the horizon but the never-ending sea.

    Still, my grit and determination kept me pushing forward. I stayed positive, clinging to the hope that I would soon find what I had spent months looking for. After all, tales of the Commodore’s bounty had persisted for centuries. They remained practically mythical, yet still I continued my search–the hope of finding them was the fuel that kept my ship sailing forward.

    One day, our ship approached a small island. Exhausted and beginning to lost hope, I shifted my gaze to the landmass. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I spotted what I had been looking for all this time: the bright red flag of the Commodore’s pirate ship.

    My crew and I rushed ashore, nearly tripping over ourselves with adrenaline and excitement. After all the months of searching, we had finally stumbled across the Commodore’s lost treasure. We spent the day gathering the gold, jewels, and jewels and the rum.

    When I returned to my ship, I looked out to the waters ahead with a newfound sense of hope and optimism. I had chased after this treasure for so long and it had found me–it had finally found me. Our next great adventure began with the setting of the sun, the smell of salt in the wind, and the thrill of the unknown before us.

    I couldn’t wait to embark on the newest leg of my Pirate Sea saga.

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 4:06 pm

       Overall Score: 18/20

       Structure: 7/10
       This narrative does a great job of painting a vivid picture for the reader, as it progresses from the initial voyage to the eventual discovery of the treasure. The story is easy to follow and the structure is logical. However, the story could be improved by introducing a greater sense of urgency and drama in the middle section, as the narrator searches for the Commodore’s lost treasure.

       Sensory Imagery: 9/10
       The imagery used in this narrative is vivid and captivating. The reader is able to feel the wind in their sails, smell the salt in the air, and feel the anticipation of the unknown. However, the narrative could be improved by adding more sensory details, such as the feel of the ship’s deck beneath the narrator’s feet, or the sound of the waves lapping against the ship’s hull.

       Grammar: 10/10
       This narrative is written in a grammatically correct manner, with no errors to be found.

       Syntax: 10/10
       The syntax used in this narrative is varied and effective, allowing the reader to easily follow the story.

       Characterization: 8/10
       The narrator of this narrative is well-defined and engaging. The reader is able to sympathize with the narrator’s plight and feel their excitement when the treasure is discovered. However, the story could be improved by providing more details about the narrator’s crew and their motivations for the journey.

       Vocabulary: 8/10
       The vocabulary used in this narrative is effective, with the words chosen helping to create an exciting and immersive atmosphere. The narrative could be improved by using more sophisticated and magical words, such as ‘placid’ in place of ‘calm’ and ‘scintillating’ in place of ‘sparkling’.

       Juxtaposition: 10/10
       This narrative makes effective use of juxtaposition, contrasting the excitement of the voyage with the disappointment of the search. The juxtaposition of these elements helps to draw the reader further into the story.

       Figurative Language: 8/10
       The figurative language used in this narrative is effective and engaging. The reader is able to clearly picture the scene in their mind’s eye, thanks to the vivid metaphors and similes. However, the story could be improved by using more exotic and creative figures of speech.

       Vocab List:

       calm – placid
       sparkling – scintillating
       sails – mainsails
       horizon – vista
       never-ending – interminable
       heart – bosom
       thrill – exhilaration
       salt – brine
       searching – scouring
       persisted – endured
       stumbled – stumbled upon
       gathering – accumulating
       looked – peered
       setting – sinking
       saga – epic

       You are a pirate seeking to reclaim a hidden treasure, the spoils that have been whispered about for centuries. The thrill of adventure filled my veins as I steered my ship out of the harbor, my mainsails billowing in the salty breeze. As the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean Sea stretched into the horizon before me, I could feel the exhilaration of the unknown, of the undiscovered.

       The journey was long, but our determination was unquenchable. We explored treacherous underground caves, gathered maps and artifacts, and unearthed stories of the lost treasure held by the great Commodore Davis. We were undeterred by the interminable sea, and pressed on with a hope that was the fuel that kept our ship afloat.

       Then, one day, a small island came into view and my bosom nearly jumped out of my chest as I spotted the bright red flag of the Commodore’s pirate ship. We rushed ashore, and spent the day accumulating gold, jewels, and rum.

       As the sun sunk into the horizon, I peered out to the waters ahead with a newfound sense of optimism. I had searched for this treasure for so long, and it had finally found me. Our epic had begun. I couldn’t wait to discover what mysteries and wonders the next leg of our journey would bring.

       Reply
20. 

    Kfir

    13 February 2023 at 8:49 pm

    The sun was setting, casting an eerie glow across the land. On this day, I, a detective, had been assigned to investigate a series of mysterious murders that had occurred in a nearby town. I had been warned that this case was unlike any I had ever encountered before, and that I would need to be on my guard if I were to succeed. With a heavy heart and a determination to uncover the truth, I set off on my mission, ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead…

    My mission was simple: I had to quickly find out about a mass murder incident at this major corporation. A gunman was a possibility.

    The sound of gunshots could be heard. Birds fled, speeding away like they were in a hurry to get somewhere as the bullet pierced the air. It was obvious who I was facing.

    And missed its target completely, or so I thought. Instead, it hit a box of explosives. The next thing I knew, I was tumbling around as the shockwaves from the explosion intensified, the blast seeming like an infinite palette, a variety of reds and yellows and oranges, throwing me around everywhere. I had got my first clue: the murderer here clearly knew I would be coming. My heart was pumping blood at speeds so high I thought I’d collapse, and adrenaline guided me to run hundreds of metres. I had my equipment with me still, so I quickly found my next clue. The bodies strewn around the area were all bleeding, but a definite bullet hole could not be seen.

    My next clue would come quicker. As I scanned my surroundings, I instantly discovered in the airy night of Christmas day, this murderer was working at a factory which packed explosives, and went on a killing rampage before quickly escaping. I was terrified by the blood streaming down the area next to the curb of the avenue, but when I looked closely, I identified shiny metal fragments, gleaming in the night.

    There were plenty of bodies strewn around one epicentre. An epicentre… EPICENTRE! There had been an explosion. There’d be no way a normal gunman could do this much….

    I was horrified. I had never seen anyone more inhuman, more terrible than to literally set off what seemed to be at least 3 bomb blasts, injuring many and ending many more lives, guided by the evil of Satan himself, more powerful than the devil. Even the most terrorising and inhumane rulers would think that what he did next was something that put he, or she in the worst hell, for eternity. I was even more surprised this was done by the country’s largest explosives manufacturer.

    When I looked inside the building, I discovered hell on earth. Every soul in there was destroyed, life eliminated from it as a whole. Bullet holes had struck everywhere, and even more rubble was visible. But a sixth sense kicked in, and just in time, I managed to duck down as the gunman attempted to shoot me. This time though, he would never get away.

    Ever again.

    The company would be permanently exposed.

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 4:12 pm

       Overall Score: 18/20

       Structure: 10/10
       The structure of this narrative is excellent. It is well-formatted, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. The narrative is divided into distinct sections, each with its own purpose. It also develops the plot in a logical and engaging way.

       Sensory Imagery: 8/10
       This narrative is full of vivid sensory imagery that paints a picture of the setting. For example, the author writes, “The sound of gunshots could be heard. Birds fled, speeding away like they were in a hurry to get somewhere as the bullet pierced the air.” This sentence effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation. However, there could be more description of the characters and the setting to further engage the reader.

       Grammar: 10/10
       The grammar in this narrative is flawless. All sentences are written in a clear and concise manner, and there are no errors in spelling or punctuation.

       Syntax: 10/10
       The syntax of this narrative is also excellent. The author uses a variety of sentence lengths and structures to create a dynamic and interesting flow.

       Characterization: 9/10
       The characters in this narrative are well-developed and believable. The author does an excellent job of conveying the emotions and motives of the protagonist. However, the antagonist could be more fleshed out to give the reader a better understanding of his or her motivations.

       Vocabulary: 8/10
       The author uses a good variety of words to tell their story. However, some of the words are overly simple and could be replaced with more sophisticated and magical words. For example, “tumbling” could be replaced with “cartwheeling”, “palette” could be replaced with “canvas”, and “strewn” could be replaced with “scattered”.

       Juxtaposition: 10/10
       The author does an excellent job of juxtaposing different elements to create a vivid and immersive experience for the reader. For example, the author writes, “It was obvious who I was facing. And missed its target completely, or so I thought. Instead, it hit a box of explosives.” This sentence effectively juxtaposes the protagonist’s expectations of the situation with the reality of the situation.

       Figurative Language: 8/10
       The author does a good job of using figurative language to create vivid imagery. For example, the author writes, “My heart was pumping blood at speeds so high I thought I’d collapse, and adrenaline guided me to run hundreds of metres.” This sentence effectively conveys the protagonist’s feelings of fear and urgency. However, there could be more figurative language used to further engage the reader.

       Vocab List:

       Tumbling – Cartwheeling
       Palette – Canvas
       Strewn – Scattered
       Eerie – Ghostly
       Heavy – Burdensome
       Infinite – Endless
       Pierced – Penetrated
       Shockwaves – Tremors
       Gleaming – Glistening
       Throwing – Hurling
       Intensified – Augmented
       Scanned – Perused
       Airy – Breezy
       Rampage – Frenzy
       Blood streaming – Gushing
       Shiny – Lustrous
       Bullet hole – Gunshot wound
       Epicentre – Ground zero
       Inhumane – Barbaric
       Terrorising – Menacing
       Collapse – Swoon
       Eliminated – Extinguished
       Struck – Impacted
       Rubble – Debris
       Sixth sense – Intuition
       Duck – Dodge
       Permanently – Perennially

       Rewritten Narrative

       The sun had sunken beneath the horizon, painting the sky a mysterious crimson. On this night, I, a private investigator, had been assigned to investigate the secrets of a powerful corporation. I had been warned that this case was unlike any I had ever encountered before, and that I would need to be on my guard if I were to succeed. With a heavy heart and a determination to uncover the truth, I set off on my mission, ready to confront whatever dangers lay ahead.

       My mission was simple: I had to quickly find out about a mass murder incident at this major corporation. A gunman was a possibility.

       The sound of gunshots echoed in the air. Birds fluttered away like they were fleeing from a plague, as the bullet pierced the atmosphere. It was obvious who I was facing.

       And missed their target completely, or so I thought. Instead, it hit a box of explosives. The next thing I knew, I was cartwheeling around as the tremors intensified, the blast resembling an endless canvas, a variety of reds and yellows and oranges, hurling me around everywhere. I had my first clue: the suspect here clearly knew I would be coming. My heart was pumping blood at speeds so high I thought I’d swoon, and adrenaline guided me to run hundreds of metres. I had my equipment with me still, so I quickly found my next clue. The bodies strewn around the area were all gushing, but a definite gunshot wound could not be seen.

       My next clue would come quicker. As I perused my surroundings, I instantly discovered in the breezy night of Christmas day, this murderer was working at a factory which packed explosives, and went on a frenzied killing rampage before quickly escaping. I was horrified by the red liquid streaming down the area next to the curb of the avenue, but when I looked closely, I identified lustrous metal fragments, glistening in the night.

       There were plenty of bodies scattered around one ground zero. A ground zero… GROUND ZERO! There had been an explosion. There’d be no way a normal gunman could do this much….

       I was aghast. I had never seen anyone more barbaric, more terrible than to literally set off what seemed to be at least three bomb blasts, injuring many and ending many more lives, guided by the evil of Satan himself, more powerful than the devil. Even the most menacing and inhumane rulers would think that what he did next was something that sent him, or her to the worst hell, for eternity. I was even more surprised this was done by the country’s largest explosives manufacturer.

       When I looked inside the building, I discovered hell on earth. Every soul in there was extinguished, life eliminated from it as a whole. Gunshot wounds had impacted everywhere, and even more debris was visible. But my intuition kicked in, and just in time, I managed to dodge as the gunman attempted to shoot me. This time though, they would never get away.

       Ever again.

       The company would be perennially exposed.

       Reply
21. 

    elvial

    13 February 2023 at 9:54 pm

    Art and Music Classes Meet School Curriculum.
    The soothing sounds of the piano or the sound of the pencil etching the paper calm you down after a draining day at school. Students can be able to experience this feeling if art and music classes are more frequent in the school curriculum. As much as the world is composed of maths, English, science and more, art and music also play their role. The world has identified many masterpieces in the art industry and many people have learned to rely on music to control their emotions. Students can be given the opportunity to paint artworks and write songs if art and music classes were more present in the classroom.

    A student’s achromatic mind can turn into brightness and creativity. Art and music can bring out the creativity and passion in a student’s mind. For example, if a student comes across a challenging art subject, they will think outside of the box and learn to come up with numerous new ideas. Did you know that when having fun in art, it releases the feel good hormones and acts as a stress reliever? Apart from a school’s job to help students develop their basic skills like English and maths, they also need to support students to expand their limits. Allow them to explore beyond their boundaries. By introducing art and music classes in school curriculum, you would be promoting a healthy and innovative growth.

    Additionally, many activities in school are independent, however art and music classes can encourage collaboration and teamwork among students. During art and music classes, students are enabled to talk and discuss with each other which can lead to new ideas growing in the classroom. In an article written by Atlassian, teamwork stimulates children to take risks in their learning because they know they have the enduring support of their team. Albert Einstein was known for his theory of relativity, however, he relied on conversations with his friends and colleagues. Although students may not discover new theories, they are bound to discover something new.

    “Teamwork is essential to anyone’s success,” says John J Murphy, the author of ‘Pulling Together: 10 Rules for High Performing Teamwork’. “Each individual has unique gifts, talents and skills. When we bring them to the table and share them for a common purpose, it can give teams a real advantage.” Can you imagine the achievements a team can make? To boost the accomplishments of students, art and music classes in school curriculum is the right way to go.

    Finally, art and music can help students find learning fun and enchanting.They are released into a fathomless world of interactive and fascinating learning opportunities. This can lead to continuous participation in the classroom. In a research study conducted by Song Room, it proved that social interaction in class can enhance social connectedness, confidence, self-esteem, mood, concentration, emotional development and mental and health wellbeing. Art and music reduces cortisol levels(stress hormones). Music and art in a workplace is extremely joyful and can boost moods. Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a school made of engaged and ecstatic students?

    The introduction of art and music into the school curriculum allows students to receive an effective education. It can be clearly seen that art and music promotes creativity, strengthens teamwork skills and is capable of developing health and well being. If you want students to graduate from school with a visionary and inventive mind, art and music should be incorporated into the school curriculum.

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       14 February 2023 at 4:16 pm

       Overall Score: 19/20

       Structure: 4/5
       The essay is well structured, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the topic sentences of each paragraph could be more specific and detailed, which would help the reader to follow the logical progression of the argument.

       For example, the first paragraph could be changed to “The soothing sounds of the piano or the sound of the pencil etching the paper can calm your frazzled nerves after a long day at school. Art and music classes should be included in the school curriculum to allow students to experience this feeling of relaxation.”

       Persuasive Techniques: 4/5
       The essay does a good job of using persuasive techniques to make the argument, such as rhetorical questions (“Did you know that when having fun in art, it releases the feel good hormones and acts as a stress reliever?”) and emphasizing the importance of the issue (“…art and music classes in school curriculum is the right way to go.”).

       However, the essay could benefit from more persuasive techniques, such as personal anecdotes, examples, and facts. For example, the essay could include a personal anecdote about a student who was able to achieve something due to the presence of art and music classes in their school curriculum.

       Emotional Appeal: 5/5
       The essay does an excellent job of conveying the emotional appeal of the topic with powerful language (“a student’s achromatic mind can turn into brightness and creativity”, “can bring out the creativity and passion in a student’s mind”).

       Figurative Language: 4/5
       The essay makes good use of figurative language, such as metaphors (“a student’s achromatic mind can turn into brightness and creativity”) and similes (“As much as the world is composed of maths, English, science and more, art and music also play their role”).

       However, the essay could benefit from more figurative language to add emotion and depth to the argument. For example, the essay could include a metaphor comparing the importance of art and music to the importance of the sun, or a simile comparing the creativity of students to the growth of a plant.

       Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 3/5
       The essay is generally clear and concise, but could benefit from more sophisticated grammar and vocabulary. For example, the sentence “Apart from a school’s job to help students develop their basic skills like English and maths, they also need to support students to expand their limits.” could be rewritten as “In addition to providing students with the opportunity to develop their core skills such as English and math, schools should also encourage students to explore beyond their boundaries.”

       Vocab List:
       Frazzled – Exhausted
       Achromatic – Monochromatic
       Stimulates – Provokes
       Enduring – Resilient
       Enchanting – Captivating
       Fathomless – Immeasurable
       Interactive – Engaging
       Cortisol – Stress Hormones

       Rewritten Persuasive Essay
       The soft notes of the piano and the scratching of the pencil on paper can be a balm to your weary soul after a tiresome day at school. Students should have the opportunity to experience this calming sensation through the incorporation of art and music classes into the school curriculum. As indispensable as mathematics, English, and science are, art and music are just as crucial. The world has witnessed countless masterpieces in the art industry, and many have come to rely on music to modulate their emotions. With the introduction of art and music classes, students would get the chance to express themselves through painting, songwriting, and more.

       A student’s gray outlook can be illuminated with creativity and passion. Art and music can tap into a student’s creative genius; when faced with a challenging art project, they will be driven to think beyond the box and come up with innovative ideas. As a bonus, having fun with art triggers the release of endorphins, thus acting as a stress reliever. Along with a school’s responsibility to help students build upon their core skills like English and maths, they should also empower students to push past their comfort zone.

       In addition, many activities in school are done independently; however, art and music classes can foster collaboration and teamwork among students. During art and music classes, students can chat and exchange ideas with one another, which can lead to the emergence of new concepts in the classroom. According to John J Murphy, author of ‘Pulling Together: 10 Rules for High Performing Teamwork,’ “Each individual has unique gifts, talents, and skills. When we bring them to the table and share them for a common purpose, it can give teams a real advantage.” Just think of the accomplishments one could make with a strong team. To unlock students’ potential, the introduction of art and music classes into the school curriculum is the way to go.

       Finally, art and music can make learning enjoyable and captivating. Students have the opportunity to escape into an immeasurable world of interactive and engaging learning experiences. This will lead to increased engagement in the classroom. According to a research study conducted by Song Room, social interaction in class can enhance social connectedness, confidence, self-esteem, mood, concentration, emotional development, and mental and physical wellbeing. Moreover, cortisol levels (stress hormones) are reduced with the presence of art and music. Music and art in a workplace can uplift people’s spirits and boost morale. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a school filled with motivated and elated students?

       It is evident that art and music can provide students with an effective education. Not only does it promote creativity, but it also strengthens teamwork skills and is capable of developing health and wellbeing. If you want students to graduate from school with an imaginative and inventive mind, art and music should be integrated into the school curriculum.

       Reply
22. 

    Phoebe

    14 February 2023 at 5:33 pm

    Prompt 11 (Persuasive):
    I have a dream, a dream that anxiety and cyberbullying are no longer a thing, where addiction to screens and bad sleep patterns are wiped out from the face of earth. A world where social media is also no longer a problem, and we are all free from the terrors of screens.

    Social media has begun to be a looming threat to our lives. Imagine this: It is 4AM in the morning, there are ebony-black circles under your eyes as you squint at the clock. You should have been in bed and asleep hours ago. Your parents will be furious. But you can’t sleep. You are scared you are going to have a nightmare. Again. It was an image you saw on social media. You shudder. You sort of wish that you hadn’t forced yourself to resist sleep and watch social media, and now you can’t even go to sleep. What a disaster!

    There are many bad problems associated with social media. Anxiety, cyberbullying, addiction, bad sleep patterns… These are all problems of social media. Terrible problems. We must stop the use of social media. It is too much of a threat to our lives.

    It can cause anxiety. According to fenced.ai, too much usage of social media apps can lead to mental health issues such as anxiety disorder and depression. These are bad effects on our health too. It is also found out that people who watch social media also will have a higher chance of experiencing mood swings and loneliness. These are all bad effects of social media.

    Not only this, but it can also cause cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is an enormous threat to our lives. What is even cyberbullying? Well, cyberbullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else. Well, according to http://www.kaspersky.com, The effects of cyberbullying also include mental health issues, acting out violently, and low self-esteem. Cyberbullying can also result in long-lasting emotional effects, which can impact your entire life!

    I know what you are thinking: social media can also be good! You can communicate and stay up to date with family and friends around the world. Social media isn’t entirely bad. It can be used for good, if you are careful about it. You can also use it to seek support from your family and friends, especially in times like Covid-19. You can also use it to help your creativity expand, and discover more resources and information… no one said it was one hundred percent bad!

    In conclusion, social media can be an enormous threat to our lives, and we should be mindful of how we use social media, but it is not necessarily bad. It can also be used for good, but it still has consequences. So we should always be careful on how we are using it, as it can always lead to anxiety and cyberbullying. So be cautious when using social media!

    Prompt 11 (Narrative):
    The sea was wild and untamed, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure. I was going to find, at whatever cost (perhaps not the cost of death, or anything life threatening).

    As I sailed across the sea, my parrot, Iridescent, kept yelling inanely annoying things at me. But this time, it was actually valuable for a change.

    “Argh! LAND AHOY!” squawked Iridescent. I could hardly believe my ears. Seriously? “LAND LANDY LAND AHEAD!!!!” What a headache.

    As we actually neared the island, I knew we were in luck. We had hit the right island! It was the Island of the Pirate Cove. It loomed ahead, enormous, terrifying and dangerous. It looked proud, but it also hid the most beautiful thing of all for a pirate: the treasure of the Pirate Cove.

    I eventually arrived at the spot where it was told that it was hidden. It was every pirate’s dream to claim it. Everywhere I glanced, I could only see… coves and lakes. Iridescent was not pleased.

    “Where the treasure?” she demanded. I gestured vaguely towards the biggest lake, the Lake of Doom. It was the darkest, deepest blue, midnight blue to be exact, nearly ebony black. It was no wonder that the pirate who had hidden it, my great-great-great grandfather Pirate Ferociousness, had decided to hide there. He wasn’t afraid of anything. He was my moral compass and had raised me and taught me about all the treacherous quests and beautiful gems and gold doubloons that he had found and captured from raiding ships.

    I pulled on my bubble hat, which could keep me underwater for ten hours, and placed Iridescent in one so she wouldn’t be devoured by who-knows-what-is-in-there. Eventually, as I got underwater, I noticed that it wasn’t dark at all. It was light and had a cheerful aroma about it. Suddenly, I saw it: the treasure that my great-great-great grandfather Pirate Ferociousness hid in the lake, then grabbed buckets of dark food colouring to cover up how easy it was to find the treasure. As Iridescent and I hauled it up to the seashore, we opened it.

    It was most certainly a surprise. Hidden in it was… a very old, damp, mouldy sock. WHAT?! I picked it up. Was our work for nothing?! It felt something inside. Inside… was a treasure map. We were on our way to the next island.

    Prompt 12 (Persuasive):
    The classical tune of music wafts up the stairs into my room as I do my homework. My nerves relax immediately, and my shoulders start to stop cramping. I smile to myself gladly, and think to myself, “Music does help me by taking away that stress and burden”. Well, guess what? It can take away stress, improve your reading and language skills, enhance your critical thinking skills, and on top of all of that, it can improve your memory! What a great deal of fabulous things! This is why the arts should be incorporated more into the curriculum.
    Are you feeling particularly forgetful? Well, here is a remedy! Music can help with improving memory. Research has shown that participation in music at an early age can help improve memory, according to http://www.artandmusiccentre.com. Exposing children to music in early development helps them learn word sounds and meanings, and dancing helps build motor skills. Even adults can experience memory benefits from just listening to music, proving that people of all ages can benefit from the arts. Wow!

    You are sculpting a structure out of clay in the art room. Noises of carving fit beautifully with the critical thinking skills questions that you are reading off from your tablet. You have already completed more than half of the questions off the top of your head! Did you know that visually learning through drawing, sculpting, painting and all sorts of musical instruments can develop visual-spatial skills? A study of 3-4 year olds learning to play piano scored significantly higher on spatial-temporal reasoning tests compared to those with no music instruction? Impressive, isn’t it?
    Did you know that children’s brains develop faster with music, particularly in areas associated with language acquisition and reading skills? Well, according to a study, it can, and now you know too! For young children, making art provides opportunities for language development. Toddlers learn words for colours and shapes as they create art. This proves that the arts are most certainly essential!
    You are back at the music room as the cacophonous drumming fills your ears, accompanied by the melodic tune of string instruments like violins and guitars struggling to break free of the noise of the percussion instruments. Together, they fit perfectly together! What a match! The arts are most certainly essential. They have a ton of benefits, including memory improvement, enhanced critical thinking skills, language and reading skills development, and an enormous list of other benefits? Well then, why isn’t there more art and music classes in the curriculum? Make a better future for kids and parents by incorporating music and art at an early age, so they will grow up to teach the next generation about art and music, and then the cycle continues! What an amazing future for our people!

    Reply
    1. 

       Phoebe

       14 February 2023 at 5:34 pm

       Sorry, I didn’t manage to do the second narrative

       Reply
    2. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       15 February 2023 at 2:30 pm

       PROMPT 11 PERSUASIVE
       Overall score out of 20: 18

       Structure:

       The structure of this essay is good and it follows a logical order of introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the introduction could be improved by introducing the topic with more vivid language, such as “Social media has become a looming menace of our lives,” or “A dark cloud of fear, anxiety, and cyberbullying hang over the world due to social media.”

       Persuasive Techniques:

       This essay contains examples of persuasive techniques such as describing a vivid scenario in the introduction and providing evidence to support the argument. However, the author could use more persuasive techniques, such as providing counterarguments and addressing the reader directly. Example: “It is up to you to take control of your life and decide if social media is a force for good or bad in your life.”

       Emotional Appeal:

       This essay contains emotional appeals in the form of vivid descriptions, such as “ebony-black circles under your eyes” and “a dark cloud of fear.” However, the author could use more emotionally evocative language to make the argument more persuasive. Example: “Social media has become a looming specter of our lives, a sinister force that threatens to suffocate our peace, joy, and security.”

       Figurative Language:

       The essay contains some figurative language such as “a dark cloud of fear” and “the terrors of screens,” but the author could use more vivid figurative language to make the argument more effective. Example: “Social media has become a relentless monster that lurks in the shadows, ready to pounce on us in moments of weakness.”

       Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary:

       The grammar, syntax, and vocabulary used in this essay is appropriate for the level of writing. However, the author could use more sophisticated and emotionally powerful words and phrases to make the argument more effective. Example: “We must stand united against the corrosive power of social media, which seeks to corrode our peace and security.”

       Use of Evidence:

       This essay contains evidence to support the argument, such as citing research from fenced.ai and Kaspersky.com. However, the author could use more evidence to strengthen the argument.

       Vocabulary List:

       • Looming menace – a looming threat
       • Sinister force – a malicious force
       • Relentless monster – an unrelenting monster
       • Corrosive power – a destructive power
       • Corrode our peace – ruin our tranquility

       Rewrite:

       Social media has become a pervasive danger to our lives, a menacing force that seeks to disrupt our peace, joy, and security. Just imagine: it is 4AM in the morning, your eyes are heavy with exhaustion, yet you can’t bring yourself to close them. Fear bolts through you as you remember the image you saw earlier on social media. You shudder. You regret forcing yourself to stay awake and watch the news, and now you can’t even go to sleep. What a disaster!

       The effects of social media are truly devastating. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. It can also cause cyberbullying, which is a particularly heinous form of harassment. Kaspersky.com notes that cyberbullying can lead to low self-esteem, violent outbursts, and deep-seated emotional trauma. We must join forces to combat the destructive power of social media.

       Admittedly, social media does have its uses. It can help us stay connected to friends and family, seek support in times of need, and even expand our creativity. However, we must be wary of its potential harms, and take steps to ensure that our usage of social media is safe and responsible.

       In conclusion, social media can be a powerful force for good, but it also has the potential for great harm. We must be mindful of its consequences and exercise caution when using it. It is up to us to control our usage and ensure that our lives are not disrupted by its malicious power.

       Reply
    3. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       15 February 2023 at 2:33 pm

       PROMPT 11 NARRATIVE
       The sea was wild and untamed, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure. I was going to find, at whatever cost (perhaps not the cost of death, or anything life threatening).

       As I sailed across the sea, my parrot, Iridescent, kept yelling inanely annoying things at me. But this time, it was actually valuable for a change.

       “Argh! LAND AHOY!” squawked Iridescent. I could hardly believe my ears. Seriously? “LAND LANDY LAND AHEAD!!!!” What a headache.

       As we actually neared the island, I knew we were in luck. We had hit the right island! It was the Island of the Pirate Cove. It loomed ahead, enormous, terrifying and dangerous. It looked proud, but it also hid the most beautiful thing of all for a pirate: the treasure of the Pirate Cove.

       I eventually arrived at the spot where it was told that it was hidden. It was every pirate’s dream to claim it. Everywhere I glanced, I could only see… coves and lakes. Iridescent was not pleased.

       “Where the treasure?” she demanded. I gestured vaguely towards the biggest lake, the Lake of Doom. It was the darkest, deepest blue, midnight blue to be exact, nearly ebony black. It was no wonder that the pirate who had hidden it, my great-great-great grandfather Pirate Ferociousness, had decided to hide there. He wasn’t afraid of anything. He was my moral compass and had raised me and taught me about all the treacherous quests and beautiful gems and gold doubloons that he had found and captured from raiding ships.

       I pulled on my bubble hat, which could keep me underwater for ten hours, and placed Iridescent in one so she wouldn’t be devoured by who-knows-what-is-in-there. Eventually, as I got underwater, I noticed that it wasn’t dark at all. It was light and had a cheerful aroma about it. Suddenly, I saw it: the treasure that my great-great-great grandfather Pirate Ferociousness hid in the lake, then grabbed buckets of dark food colouring to cover up how easy it was to find the treasure. As Iridescent and I hauled it up to the seashore, we opened it.

       It was most certainly a surprise. Hidden in it was… a very old, damp, mouldy sock. WHAT?! I picked it up. Was our work for nothing?! It felt something inside. Inside… was a treasure map. We were on our way to the next island.

       Reply
    4. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       15 February 2023 at 2:36 pm

       PROMPT 12 PERSUASIVE
       Overall score: 18/20

       Structure:
       The structure of this persuasive essay is clear and concise. The introduction sets up the topic and the essay is broken down into three distinct sections. Each section has a logical flow and provides evidence to support the point being made. However, the sentences could be more varied in length and style in order to create a more engaging essay. For example, instead of “My nerves relax immediately, and my shoulders start to stop cramping”, one could say “My tense muscles began to loosen, and my cramped shoulders soon found relief”.

       Persuasive Techniques:
       This essay makes use of several persuasive techniques. It uses a personal anecdote to draw the reader in, and it also provides facts and research to back up its claims. The essay also uses emotional language to appeal to the reader’s feelings. For instance, “What a great deal of fabulous things!” is an emotional phrase that evokes a sense of excitement. To make the essay more effective, the author could use more descriptive language, such as “Music can provide us with a treasure trove of amazing benefits”.

       Emotional Appeal:
       The emotional appeal of this essay is quite strong. It uses vivid language to evoke strong emotions in the reader, such as when it says “Music does help me by taking away that stress and burden”. This creates an emotional connection between the reader and the essay. To further enhance the emotional appeal, the author could use more figurative language to make their point, such as “Music is like a soothing balm to the soul”.

       Figurative Language:
       The author does make use of some figurative language in this essay. For example, when they say “What a great deal of fabulous things!” it is a metaphor for how beneficial music can be. To make this essay more effective, the author could incorporate more figurative language, such as “The arts are like a key that unlocks the door to success”.

       Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary:
       This essay is well written and the grammar and syntax are correct. The vocabulary used is appropriate for the essay and the author does a good job of using descriptive language. To make the essay even more effective, the author could use more sophisticated words, such as “catalyst” instead of “key” or “elucidate” instead of “explain”.

       Use of Evidence:
       This essay makes use of several pieces of evidence to back up its claims. It cites research and provides personal anecdotes to illustrate its point. To make the essay more effective, the author could provide more evidence, such as quotes from experts or studies that show the benefits of incorporating music and art into the curriculum.

       Rewritten Essay:

       The gentle melody of music can be a balm to the soul, a tonic that soothes our minds and helps us to relax and focus. Yet, music and art are so much more than just calming influences. They are essential elements of learning that can dramatically enhance our cognitive abilities. Recent research has proven that participation in music and art at an early age can help improve memory, enhance critical thinking skills, and develop language and reading skills.

       The power of music and art to mould young minds is undeniable. For young children, making art provides opportunities for language development as they learn words for colours and shapes. It also helps build motor skills, and can score significantly higher on spatial-temporal reasoning tests compared to those with no music instruction. Even adults can experience memory benefits from just listening to music, demonstrating that people of all ages can benefit from the arts.

       The use of music and art in education should not be underestimated. It can provide an unparalleled tool for teaching, one that can unlock the door to a brighter future for our children. Not only does it have the power to improve memory, language and reading skills, but it can also sharpen critical thinking and encourage creativity. In this way, we can equip our children with the skills they need to succeed in the modern world.

       We should strive to ensure that the arts are incorporated into the curriculum, not only to provide our children with the best possible education, but also to foster a love of music and art in the next generation. By taking this step, we can create a brighter future for our children and help them to reach their full potential. Music and art are some of the most powerful tools we have for teaching, and we owe it to our children to provide them with access to these invaluable resources.

       Reply
23. 

    Anonymous

    14 February 2023 at 6:19 pm

    Treasure
    Gunther approached me, pools of contriteness and indignity in his eyes. He clutched his journal, his bulky fists crippling the pages.

    “Sorry captain but I think it’s time to part our ways. It’s just been too long, I can’t keep on going like this. Goodbye.” I could see how Gunther was restricting his tears as he said that. I wanted to say it was okay to abandon your captain after years, decades of devotion! But it wasn’t okay. How could he? My heart, my formidable and everlasting heart was fractured into fragments. As I mourned over my brutal loss, I remembered my first priority. Not my traitorous and deceitful crew, not my health or safety. My treasure. I would not throw my years of hard work and dedication in the trash just because my best friend left me. I wasn’t a baby anymore, I was a pirate committed to my golden pieces of eight.

    As I steered the wheel, my ears admired the soft squeaks of the wood and the metal. My fingers wrapped around the dents it made of the disc. It was silent, no plates smashing on the grounds, no frustrated grunts because Gunther couldn’t fix the mast. It was only me. I stared ahead, watching the iridescent water and azure skies. But while I inhaled a breath of crisp ocean air, the boat lurched. My stomach entwined then unravelled. My heart staggered as the boat scraped the reef beneath.

    How could I be so clueless and steer my beauty into a shoal of disaster? I leapt onto the sandbank and gawked at the traces, no, scares that trailed along the walls and bottom. It was over. My endeavour had come to a halt. My heart sank along with dreams and hopes. Solitude wasn’t my thing. But then my eyes were drawn away from the boat to the palm trees ahead. Actually, it wasn’t the verdant leaves or jagged trunk, it was the brunette lump just peeping out of the sand.

    I sprinted over to my potential glory. My fingers combed through the sand, going deeper and deeper. Soon, I could see the tarnished locks then the rusted bottom. After 100 grunts could I heave it onto the surface. Blundering at the latch. In front of my eyes were glistening gold and lustrous diamonds, enough to shower me in wealth. As I flung the plunder around, I noticed a map at the bottom. It was guiding me to my next triumph!

    As I trudged over to the ship, I noticed it was high tide and my enchantress was floating! Bobbing on the canvas filled with aquamarine, beryl and morganite. With my fortunes and fervour, my next venture was in the picture.

    Reply
    1. 

       elvial

       14 February 2023 at 7:47 pm

       Sorry, it’s not supposed to be anonymous. I’m Elvia.

       Reply
    2. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       15 February 2023 at 2:39 pm

       Overall score out of 20: 17

       Structure: The structure of the narrative is well-crafted and coherent. The introduction is effective in setting the scene and the plot moves forward in a logical and organized way. The climax of the story is clearly presented. However, there could be more suspense and tension to hold the reader’s attention.

       Sensory imagery: The sensory imagery in the passage is vivid and engaging. The author uses a range of sensory details to create a strong atmosphere and evoke strong emotions in the reader. For example, “My heart staggered as the boat scraped the reef beneath,” and “My fingers wrapped around the dents it made of the disc.” However, more vivid imagery could be used to make the scene come to life and really capture the reader’s attention.

       Grammar: The grammar in this narrative is generally accurate. There are only a few minor errors, such as the use of “entwined” instead of “entwined.”

       Syntax: The syntax of the narrative is effective in conveying the author’s message. The sentences are varied in length, which keeps the reader engaged. However, some sentences could be made more concise and powerful.

       Characterization: The characters in this narrative are well-developed and believable. Gunther’s emotions are clearly portrayed and the protagonist’s feelings of loss and despair are conveyed effectively.

       Vocabulary: The vocabulary used in this narrative is appropriate and descriptive. There are some interesting and powerful words used to convey the author’s message, such as “solitude,” “treacherous,” and “dents.” However, some more interesting and sophisticated words could be used to make the passage more magical.

       Juxtaposition: The juxtaposition between the protagonist’s emotions and the beauty of the ocean is effectively conveyed in this passage. For example, “As I mourned over my brutal loss, I remembered my first priority. Not my traitorous and deceitful crew, not my health or safety. My treasure.”

       Figurative language: The author uses some effective figurative language to create a strong atmosphere. For example, “My heart, my formidable and everlasting heart was fractured into fragments.” However, more figurative language could be used to bring the scene to life and draw the reader in.

       Vocab list:
       Grief: sorrow, anguish
       Treacherous: faithless, perfidious
       Indignity: humiliation, affront
       Contriteness: remorse, regret
       Fragments: shards, splinters
       Iridescent: glistening, shining
       Azure: cerulean, sapphire
       Enthralled: captivated, entranced
       Tarnished: dulled, faded
       Lustrous: gleaming, shimmering
       Beryl: emerald, aquamarine
       Morganite: peach, pink
       Fervour: ardour, zeal
       Enchantress: siren, nymph
       Aquamarine: turquoise, teal

       Rewritten narrative:
       I was a captain of the seas, a plunderer of wealth, and a seeker of fortune. But my most treasured possession was my crew and, most of all, Gunther, my most faithful and devoted follower. Yet, after years of loyalty, he approached me with pools of contriteness and faithlessness in his eyes. He clutched his journal, his bulky fists crushing the pages.

       “Forgive me captain, but it’s time for us to part our ways. I can no longer endure this journey,” he said, struggling to keep his tears at bay. I wanted to tell him it was alright to abandon me, his captain, after so many decades of service. But it wasn’t. My formidable and everlasting heart was shattered into shards and my spirit was humbled by his betrayal.

       As I steered the helm, I took in the peacefulness of the ocean. I felt the warmth of the sun on my face, and my fingers ran along the dents on the wheel. But, in an instant, the tranquility was broken. My stomach twisted and my heart staggered as the boat scraped against a reef beneath. How could I have been so oblivious? I leapt onto the sandbank, gazing at the marks the boat had left behind. My dreams and hopes had come to an abrupt conclusion. But as I despaired, something caught my eye in the distance.

       I sprinted over to the emerald palm trees and there, beneath the sand, was a lump. I dug my fingers into the sand and, as I uncovered it, I realized it was a chest. With much effort, I was able to hoist it onto the surface. I gazed in awe at the glistening gold and gleaming diamonds. I was now richer than I could have ever imagined. But then, at the bottom, was a map that revealed my next destination.

       The sea called me back and, to my surprise, the boat was afloat. With a newfound zeal, I set sail to my next adventure. But this time, I was not alone. The azure skies, the sapphire waves, and the glimmering horizon were my companions. The captivating beauty of the ocean was my solace.

       I was ready for whatever fortune the sea had in store for me. I was a pirate, searching for a hidden treasure.

       Reply
24. 

    elvial

    14 February 2023 at 9:16 pm

    Part 2 Prompt 12
    The night was as dark and still as death itself, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would not be easy, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation.

    I strutted along the path. It looked like a concrete belt lit by the scintillating moon light. The moon radiated like polished silver. I tilted my hat to cover my eyes. I felt all tense, if I made a sound loud enough for an alert dog to detect, my mission would be over. There was no second chance, the agency was counting on me. If I let them down. If I failed the task. If my career was over. I shook my head, clearing the rogues and devils. There were no ‘ifs’, not today.

    Each enigmatic and arcane building bestowed its own secrets and past. They probably saw the theft that took place right where I was walking. All the windows were dimly lit by waning candles but there was no movement. Who sleeps with the light on? I awkwardly shuffled along the path, examining each door. I was looking for the number 83. The agency had confirmed a blessed or diabolical future was stored in house 83.

    When my torch shone on the gleaming numbers 83, I gulped. My stomach was churning and I could feel my face turning achromatic. White and black. Could I really turn that doorknob? Could I really undertake the devoir on my feeble shoulders? Would I walk out tonight with the information expected? As my palms perspired rotating the doorknob my palpitating heart drummed on my rib cages so hard it hurt.

    The streams of light illuminated by my torch swept the floor, table and walls. There it was, the document languished on a shelf. My toes pointed at the floor coated in a thick layer of dust. My fingers are scrambling for the document. I bit my lip, my tooth sinking in. As I grasped it, I heaved a sigh of consolation. It was finally over. My heart felt released. Free at last, unleashed from the chains of perturbation and trepidation.

    “You can stop right there”

    Oh no…

    Reply
    1. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       15 February 2023 at 2:41 pm

       Overall score: 18/20

       Structure: 8/10
       The structure of this narrative is effective, as it progresses in a linear fashion and follows a clear narrative arc. However, there are some sections that could be improved. For example, the author could use specific descriptions of the setting to add depth to the narrative. Additionally, the author could add more details to the characters and their motivations, as this would make the narrative feel more alive and immersive.

       Sensory imagery: 8/10
       The author does a good job of using sensory imagery to create an immersive experience for the reader. For example, the author writes, “The moon radiated like polished silver” and “the floor coated in a thick layer of dust”. However, the author could add more details to the sensory descriptions, such as the smell of the air or the texture of the doorknob.

       Grammar: 10/10
       The grammar and syntax of this narrative are excellent. The author effectively uses punctuation, verb tenses and sentence structure to create a smooth flow for the reader.

       Characterization: 8/10
       The author does a good job of developing the protagonist and creating tension by introducing obstacles. However, the author could add more depth to the characters by exploring their motivations and backgrounds.

       Vocabulary: 8/10
       The author does a good job of using a variety of words to create vivid images for the reader. However, the author could use more sophisticated words to create a more magical and lyrical atmosphere. Below is a list of words and phrases that are synonymous to those in the passage, but are more sophisticated and magical:

       • Glittering moonlight
       • Whispering shadows
       • Gloomy alley
       • Enigmatic buildings
       • Arcane secrets
       • Waning candles
       • Rogues and devils
       • Diabolical future
       • Scintillating moonlight
       • Chromatic face
       • Tilted hat
       • Unearthly silence
       • Aching rib cages
       • Gleaming numbers
       • Achromatic white and black
       • Palpitating heart
       • Perspiring palms
       • Enigmatic doorknob
       • Illuminated streams
       • Languished document
       • Chains of perturbation
       • Heaving a sigh of consolation

       Juxtaposition: 8/10
       The author does a good job of juxtaposing the protagonist’s fear and determination. For example, the author writes, “If I let them down. If I failed the task. If my career was over. I shook my head, clearing the rogues and devils. There were no ‘ifs’, not today.” This creates a sense of tension and helps the reader understand the protagonist’s inner conflict. However, the author could add more juxtapositions to create a more dynamic experience for the reader.

       Figurative Language: 8/10
       The author does a good job of using vivid metaphors and similes to create a magical atmosphere. For example, the author writes, “The moon radiated like polished silver” and “My toes pointed at the floor coated in a thick layer of dust.” However, the author could add more figurative language to create a more lyrical experience for the reader.

       Rewrite:
       The night was as dark and still as a crypt, a shroud of secrecy cloaking the city. It had been far too long since I was last here, but I was determined not to fail this time. I was a private investigator and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation.

       I hovered along the path, my feet barely grazing the pavement. The moon glowed like polished silver, its light scintillating over the enigmatic buildings and arcane secrets they held. I tilted my hat to cover my eyes, my every movement muffled by the unearthly silence. If a single sound were to alert a guard dog, my mission would be over. I had no second chance, the agency was counting on me.

       As I shuffled along, my torchlight illuminated each door. I was searching for number 83. The agency had confirmed that a blessed or diabolical future was stored within this house. When the gleaming numbers 83 shone in the beam of my torch, I gulped. My stomach churned and my face turned achromatic. White and black. Could I really open that doorknob? The devoir weighed heavily on my feeble shoulders.

       As I rotated the doorknob, my palms perspired and my palpitating heart thudded against my aching rib cages. My torchlight swept the floor, table, and walls, and there it was, the document languishing on a shelf. I scrambled for it, my teeth sinking into my lip. As I grasped it, I heaved a sigh of liberation. At last, I was free from the chains of perturbation and trepidation.

       “You can stop right there!”

       Oh no…

       Reply
25. 

    Andrew Sze

    15 February 2023 at 7:06 pm

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/15VOIdfYmi2KNvoX5zq1aW9Zze8vYpmDmEDynhEqEJX8/edit

    Reply
    1. 

       Anonymous

       16 February 2023 at 11:26 pm

       Give us an access to your file so we can mark your work.

       Reply
26. 

    Sharon

    15 February 2023 at 7:20 pm

    Prompt 1
    Social media is stable for our current generation. It has taken over, trapping innocent people in an endless loop. Rumors, cyberbullying, scamming, harassment and hacking are all new problems introduced to us by social media. Social media has removed so many wonderful activities and replaced them with harmful acts that are detrimental to our physical and mental health. We must abolish social media and the problems that it has brought upon us.

    One of the largest problems of social media is scamming. Scamming is to use deception to deprive someone of possessions. This can range from money or personal information. The victims of scams often suffer from lasting mental trauma and lose trust in others. Research shows that many victims blame themselves after being scammed, often leading to depression and self harm. Social media is the main source that people use to commit these scams and if it were gone, the amount of scams would decrease drastically.

    As children sit inside, glued to their small screen, sitting next to the door that would lead them their inevitable freedom. Instead their minds are trapped within the small mobile. They are unable to enjoy their childhood and are unable to see other people or go exercise. Social media has complete control over their days. It inhibits them from seeing other people and doing things they enjoy. They are wasting away their childhood. We must stop this.

    Many people already know a lot about the damaging health issues that an iphone can cause. Studies show that over 2500 people were brought to the hospital for neck and head injuries due to cell phone use. Furthermore, cell phones emit RF radiation. High rf raises body temperature but low rf can cause headaches and brain tumors.

    Some believe that social media helps people to connect. This isn’t necessarily true. Social media can easily tear people apart. Unknown people can easily throw rude comments at others, often leading to depression or self harm. Social media isn’t all connecting and fun. It can easily become a weapon as well.

    Above all social media is a harmful thing. The name is just a cover up for all the horrid things it does to your body and mind. We Ignore all health problems and mental disorders and use social media anyway. We must stop this monster. We must stop using social media.

    Prompt 2
    All humans possess creativity and imagination. We can put this into good use by incorporating more art and music classes into the school curriculum. Students need a place to express themselves and achieve their dreams and aspirations. With art and music added to the curriculum, children have a chance to back away from the stressful reality of school life. It is mandatory to add more creative arts classes to the curriculum.

    Many children can express their emotions through art. It is like the replacement for words. Children can enhance their creativity and release all the positive and negative emotions bottled up inside them. Art is a stress-free way to learn and grow physically and mentally.

    Anger outbursts, not sleeping and worrying. These are all common symptoms of anxiety in children. Music and art allows a child to let go of all their worries and focus on creativity. Research shows that art and music help calm the nervous system, which can ultimately improve a child’s well being. Children suffering from mental disorders can use creative arts as therapy. If we want happy children we must incorporate more creative arts into the school curriculum.

    Some people may say that forcing children to practice art or music can have a negative impact on a student. They say this can cause stress and anxiety. These statements aren’t completely true. Though art and music can be a bit stressful at times it is all for a good cause. By obtaining more skills and interests, a child is more likely to succeed in life. This is why a lot of children do music and art in the first place.

    By now, it should be clear that schools must incorporate creative arts into the school curriculum. It helps children enhance creativity, show their emotions and control their emotions. With creative arts, children have the power to shape the world that we will one day pass onto them.

    Prompt 3
    The sea was wild and untamed, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure.

    I stared out to sea. After finding this hidden treasure, I could finally live with happiness. No more broken things and poverty. The ship closed in on the sandy shores as I searched each crevice for the hidden treasure. I eventually stumbled upon a large wooden chest pushed within the sand between two rocks. Opening the chest, I found what I was looking for. Jewels, gold and silver shimmered in the rays of the sun as I dug the box out of the ground. I had finally completed my mission.

    I carried the treasure into the cockpit of my ship. I could live a normal life now. A life without stealing. A life with shelter and safety. Ever since I was young, people of higher standing thought of me as nothing more than a scab. They always longed for the day they could flick me away. Now with these riches, I could finally live the life I had been dreaming of.

    The ship drifted away from the island as I watched the waves crash onto the hull. The noise reminded me of the constant floods in my hometown. Well, they felt constant as they took so long to take care of. Once we finished clearing up the water, another flood would come. Thinking about this made me realise, the people of my hometown suffered, just like I did. They lived with pain far worse than mine. There were children there, unable to obtain proper education and support. It didn’t seem very fair to keep this chest to myself.

    As the ship sailed through the choppy waves, I opened the lid of the chest. I needed to share this with the village. I couldn’t let their lives crumble to a ruin. I only became a pirate to help myself survive. Now I got everything I wanted. I had to go help others.

    Prompt 4
    The night was dark and still, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I’d been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful cooperation, and I was determined to do it. I’d been warned that the task would be difficult, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to uncover the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful cooperation.

    Trodding along the pathways I stared at the address they had given me. Looking up to the huge building in front of me, I took a deep breath. I pushed open the large glass door and was greeted with a deafening silence. It seemed I was walking into a black hole. I walked through the hallway careful not to make any sound. Gripping at the edge of my coat, I grabbed the keycard given to me, put it in the slot and walked into the CEO’s office.

    Searching through the various papers that lay upon his desk, I found out that the cooperation had already developed vaccines to cure the fatal disease that has been spreading recently. The vaccines were ready to go but they were still negotiating with the government so they could get a whopping 300% profit. Time has passed and many lives have been taken, including one of my sisters’. It angered me immensely that they valued profit over life.

    I began to take photos. This had to be reported to the media, so the public disclosure could hopefully pressure the company to release the vaccine quicker. This could potentially save many lives and the war between us and the disease could finally be over. As I left the building, a feeling of satisfaction washed over me. My job as a detective has proven to be meaningful, yet again.

    Reply
    1. 

       Anonymous

       16 February 2023 at 11:34 pm

       Prompt 1 Feedback:

       Overall Score: 17/20

       Structure: 9/10
       The structure of this essay is effective, with an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion. Each paragraph includes elaboration of a main point. The main points are clear and well articulated. However, the conclusion could be improved by summarizing the main points of the essay in a more concise manner.

       Persuasive Techniques: 6/10
       In this essay, the author uses some persuasive techniques such as giving examples and citing research. For example, “Research shows that many victims blame themselves after being scammed, often leading to depression and self harm.” However, the author could improve this section by providing more detailed evidence and facts to support their arguments. Additionally, the author could use more rhetorical questions and emotional appeals to further persuade the reader.

       Emotional Appeal: 4/5
       The author uses some emotional language to appeal to the reader’s feelings. For example, “As children sit inside, glued to their small screen, sitting next to the door that would lead them their inevitable freedom”. However, they could use more emotionally charged language to further engage the reader.

       Figurative Language: 3/5
       The author uses some figurative language to engage the reader. For example, “Social media has removed so many wonderful activities and replaced them with harmful acts that are detrimental to our physical and mental health.” However, the author could use more metaphors and similes to convey their points more vividly.

       Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary: 5/5
       The grammar and syntax of this essay are correct and the author uses a variety of words to convey their points.

       Use of Evidence: 2/3
       The author provides some evidence to support their points. However, they could provide more detailed evidence to further strengthen their arguments.

       Vocab List:

       Deprive- Impoverish

       Harmful- Detrimental

       Innocent- Inculpable

       Rumors- Gossip

       Cyberbullying- Torment

       Scamming- Cheating

       Harassment- Intimidation

       Hacking- Pirating

       Abolish- Annihilate

       Scamming- Swindling

       Trauma- Distress

       Depression- Gloom

       Rewrite:

       Social media has usurped our present generation, ensnaring the guiltless in an incessant cycle. Gossip, tormenting, cheating, intimidation, and pirating are all new difficulties brought to us through social media. It has eliminated numerous delightful activities, replacing them with detrimental practices that are deleterious to our physical and mental health. We must annihilate social media and the issues it has brought upon us.

       One of the most serious issues of social media is swindling. Swindling is the use of deception to deprive someone of possessions. This can range from money or personal information. The casualties of swindles frequently experience lasting psychological distress and lose faith in others. Research shows that many victims blame themselves after being swindled, often leading to depression and self-harm. Social media is the main source that people use to commit these scams and if it were gone, the amount of scams would reduce drastically.

       As children sit inside, glued to their small screen, sitting next to the door that would lead them to their ineluctable freedom. Instead, their minds are imprisoned within the small mobile. They are unable to savor their childhood and are unable to see other people or go exercise. Social media has absolute control over their days. It inhibits them from seeing other people and doing things they enjoy. They are squandering away their childhood. We must put a stop to this.

       Many people already know a lot about the damaging health issues that a cell phone can cause. Studies show that over 2500 people were brought to the hospital for neck and head injuries due to cell phone use. Furthermore, cell phones emit RF radiation. High rf raises body temperature but low rf can cause headaches and brain tumors.

       Some believe that social media helps people to connect. This isn’t necessarily true. Social media can easily tear people apart. Unknown people can easily throw rude comments at others, often leading to depression or self-harm. Social media isn’t all connecting and fun. It can easily become a weapon as well.

       Above all, social media is a dangerous thing. The name is just a facade for all the dreadful things it does to your body and mind. We ignore all health problems and mental disorders and use social media anyway. We must put an end to this monster. We must end the usage of social media.

       The power of social media is undeniable and its presence in our lives is undeniable. However, we must recognize the implications of its use and the detrimental effects that it has brought to our lives. We must recognize its power to cause harm, to destroy relationships, and to damage our mental and physical health. It is time for us to take a stand and to end the use of social media before it is too late. We must not allow it to continue to control our lives and to rob us of our freedom. We must break free of its cycle and we must break free now.

       Reply
    2. 

       Anonymous

       16 February 2023 at 11:36 pm

       Prompt 1 Feedback

       Overall Score: 17/20

       Structure: 9/10
       The structure of this essay is effective, with an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion. Each paragraph includes elaboration of a main point. The main points are clear and well articulated. However, the conclusion could be improved by summarizing the main points of the essay in a more concise manner.

       Persuasive Techniques: 6/10
       In this essay, the author uses some persuasive techniques such as giving examples and citing research. For example, “Research shows that many victims blame themselves after being scammed, often leading to depression and self harm.” However, the author could improve this section by providing more detailed evidence and facts to support their arguments. Additionally, the author could use more rhetorical questions and emotional appeals to further persuade the reader.

       Emotional Appeal: 4/5
       The author uses some emotional language to appeal to the reader’s feelings. For example, “As children sit inside, glued to their small screen, sitting next to the door that would lead them their inevitable freedom”. However, they could use more emotionally charged language to further engage the reader.

       Figurative Language: 3/5
       The author uses some figurative language to engage the reader. For example, “Social media has removed so many wonderful activities and replaced them with harmful acts that are detrimental to our physical and mental health.” However, the author could use more metaphors and similes to convey their points more vividly.

       Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary: 5/5
       The grammar and syntax of this essay are correct and the author uses a variety of words to convey their points.

       Use of Evidence: 2/3
       The author provides some evidence to support their points. However, they could provide more detailed evidence to further strengthen their arguments.

       Vocab List:

       Deprive- Impoverish

       Harmful- Detrimental

       Innocent- Inculpable

       Rumors- Gossip

       Cyberbullying- Torment

       Scamming- Cheating

       Harassment- Intimidation

       Hacking- Pirating

       Abolish- Annihilate

       Scamming- Swindling

       Trauma- Distress

       Depression- Gloom

       Rewrite:

       Social media has usurped our present generation, ensnaring the guiltless in an incessant cycle. Gossip, tormenting, cheating, intimidation, and pirating are all new difficulties brought to us through social media. It has eliminated numerous delightful activities, replacing them with detrimental practices that are deleterious to our physical and mental health. We must annihilate social media and the issues it has brought upon us.

       One of the most serious issues of social media is swindling. Swindling is the use of deception to deprive someone of possessions. This can range from money or personal information. The casualties of swindles frequently experience lasting psychological distress and lose faith in others. Research shows that many victims blame themselves after being swindled, often leading to depression and self-harm. Social media is the main source that people use to commit these scams and if it were gone, the amount of scams would reduce drastically.

       As children sit inside, glued to their small screen, sitting next to the door that would lead them to their ineluctable freedom. Instead, their minds are imprisoned within the small mobile. They are unable to savor their childhood and are unable to see other people or go exercise. Social media has absolute control over their days. It inhibits them from seeing other people and doing things they enjoy. They are squandering away their childhood. We must put a stop to this.

       Many people already know a lot about the damaging health issues that a cell phone can cause. Studies show that over 2500 people were brought to the hospital for neck and head injuries due to cell phone use. Furthermore, cell phones emit RF radiation. High rf raises body temperature but low rf can cause headaches and brain tumors.

       Some believe that social media helps people to connect. This isn’t necessarily true. Social media can easily tear people apart. Unknown people can easily throw rude comments at others, often leading to depression or self-harm. Social media isn’t all connecting and fun. It can easily become a weapon as well.

       Above all, social media is a dangerous thing. The name is just a facade for all the dreadful things it does to your body and mind. We ignore all health problems and mental disorders and use social media anyway. We must put an end to this monster. We must end the usage of social media.

       The power of social media is undeniable and its presence in our lives is undeniable. However, we must recognize the implications of its use and the detrimental effects that it has brought to our lives. We must recognize its power to cause harm, to destroy relationships, and to damage our mental and physical health. It is time for us to take a stand and to end the use of social media before it is too late. We must not allow it to continue to control our lives and to rob us of our freedom. We must break free of its cycle and we must break free now.

       Reply
    3. 

       Anonymous

       16 February 2023 at 11:41 pm

       Prompt 1 Feedback

       Overall Score: 17/20

       Structure: 9/10
       The structure of this essay is effective, with an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion. Each paragraph includes elaboration of a main point. The main points are clear and well articulated. However, the conclusion could be improved by summarizing the main points of the essay in a more concise manner.

       Persuasive Techniques: 6/10
       In this essay, the author uses some persuasive techniques such as giving examples and citing research. For example, “Research shows that many victims blame themselves after being scammed, often leading to depression and self harm.” However, the author could improve this section by providing more detailed evidence and facts to support their arguments. Additionally, the author could use more rhetorical questions and emotional appeals to further persuade the reader.

       Emotional Appeal: 4/5
       The author uses some emotional language to appeal to the reader’s feelings. For example, “As children sit inside, glued to their small screen, sitting next to the door that would lead them their inevitable freedom”. However, they could use more emotionally charged language to further engage the reader.

       Figurative Language: 3/5
       The author uses some figurative language to engage the reader. For example, “Social media has removed so many wonderful activities and replaced them with harmful acts that are detrimental to our physical and mental health.” However, the author could use more metaphors and similes to convey their points more vividly.

       Grammar, Syntax, and Vocabulary: 5/5
       The grammar and syntax of this essay are correct and the author uses a variety of words to convey their points.

       Use of Evidence: 2/3
       The author provides some evidence to support their points. However, they could provide more detailed evidence to further strengthen their arguments.

       Vocab List:

       Deprive- Impoverish

       Harmful- Detrimental

       Innocent- Inculpable

       Rumors- Gossip

       Cyberbullying- Torment

       Scamming- Cheating

       Harassment- Intimidation

       Hacking- Pirating

       Abolish- Annihilate

       Scamming- Swindling

       Trauma- Distress

       Depression- Gloom

       Rewrite:

       Social media has usurped our present generation, ensnaring the guiltless in an incessant cycle. Gossip, tormenting, cheating, intimidation, and pirating are all new difficulties brought to us through social media. It has eliminated numerous delightful activities, replacing them with detrimental practices that are deleterious to our physical and mental health. We must annihilate social media and the issues it has brought upon us.

       One of the most serious issues of social media is swindling. Swindling is the use of deception to deprive someone of possessions. This can range from money or personal information. The casualties of swindles frequently experience lasting psychological distress and lose faith in others. Research shows that many victims blame themselves after being swindled, often leading to depression and self-harm. Social media is the main source that people use to commit these scams and if it were gone, the amount of scams would reduce drastically.

       As children sit inside, glued to their small screen, sitting next to the door that would lead them to their ineluctable freedom. Instead, their minds are imprisoned within the small mobile. They are unable to savor their childhood and are unable to see other people or go exercise. Social media has absolute control over their days. It inhibits them from seeing other people and doing things they enjoy. They are squandering away their childhood. We must put a stop to this.

       Many people already know a lot about the damaging health issues that a cell phone can cause. Studies show that over 2500 people were brought to the hospital for neck and head injuries due to cell phone use. Furthermore, cell phones emit RF radiation. High rf raises body temperature but low rf can cause headaches and brain tumors.

       Some believe that social media helps people to connect. This isn’t necessarily true. Social media can easily tear people apart. Unknown people can easily throw rude comments at others, often leading to depression or self-harm. Social media isn’t all connecting and fun. It can easily become a weapon as well.

       Above all, social media is a dangerous thing. The name is just a facade for all the dreadful things it does to your body and mind. We ignore all health problems and mental disorders and use social media anyway. We must put an end to this monster. We must end the usage of social media.

       The power of social media is undeniable and its presence in our lives is undeniable. However, we must recognize the implications of its use and the detrimental effects that it has brought to our lives. We must recognize its power to cause harm, to destroy relationships, and to damage our mental and physical health. It is time for us to take a stand and to end the use of social media before it is too late. We must not allow it to continue to control our lives and to rob us of our freedom. We must break free of its cycle and we must break free now.

       Reply
    4. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       17 February 2023 at 2:07 pm

       Prompt 2 Feedback:

       Overall score: 18/20

       Structure: 9/10

       The structure of this persuasive essay is well done. There is a clear introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion. There is a logical flow to the argument. However, the conclusion could be improved to wrap up the argument more effectively.

       Persuasive techniques: 8/10

       This persuasive essay does employ persuasive techniques quite well. For example, “It is mandatory to add more creative arts classes to the curriculum” is a strong call to action. However, the sentences could be further strengthened by using more sophisticated language, such as “It is imperative to include more creative arts classes in the curriculum.”

       Emotional appeal: 8/10

       The emotion in this persuasive essay is quite effective. For example, the author states that “Children can enhance their creativity and release all the positive and negative emotions bottled up inside them.” However, the language could be improved to be more evocative and emotive, such as “Children can unleash their creativity and unbottle all the pent up emotions inside them.”

       Figurative language: 7/10

       This persuasive essay does use some figurative language, such as “It is like the replacement for words.” However, the figurative language could be further improved by using more vivid descriptions, such as “It is the key to unlocking an entire world of self-expression.”

       Grammar: 10/10

       The grammar in this persuasive essay is well done. There are no errors.

       Syntax: 10/10

       The syntax in this persuasive essay is also well done. The sentences are varied, and the author has used a good range of sentence structures.

       Use of evidence: 8/10

       The author of this persuasive essay has used evidence to support their argument, such as “Research shows that art and music help calm the nervous system.” However, the evidence could be further strengthened by including more specific facts and figures.

       Vocabulary: 9/10

       The vocabulary in this persuasive essay is quite good. However, the author could use some more sophisticated words and phrases to make the argument more persuasive, such as “utilize” instead of “use” or “initiate” instead of “add”.

       Rewrite:

       Creativity and imagination are two of the most powerful gifts that humanity possesses. We have an obligation to put these gifts to good use by introducing art and music classes into the school curriculum. Children need a safe space to express themselves, to explore their dreams and aspirations, and with art and music, they can do just that.

       Art is a way for children to express their emotions without the use of words. Utilizing art, they can unearth their creativity and let go of all the positive and negative emotions that are bottled up inside them. Art can act as a form of therapy, calming the nervous system and ultimately improving a child’s overall wellbeing.

       Anxiety can manifest in many forms, including anger outbursts, disrupted sleep, and persistent worry. Music and art can provide a reprieve from this stress, allowing children to focus on their creativity and productivity. Research has demonstrated that art and music have a profound effect on children’s mental health and wellbeing, so it is essential that we include more creative arts classes in the curriculum.

       Some may argue that forcing children to practice art or music can have a negative impact, but this is not necessarily true. With the right guidance, art and music can provide children with a range of invaluable skills and interests that will help them to succeed in life.

       Creativity is a fundamental part of being human and we must use this to our advantage. Introducing art and music classes into the school curriculum is an effective way to ensure that children are able to express themselves in a healthy and productive manner. It is our responsibility to ensure that our children have the tools they need to live a happy and fulfilled life.

       Reply
    5. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       17 February 2023 at 2:11 pm

       Overall Score: 19/20

       Structure: 18/20
       The structure of the passage is well-developed and the reader is guided through the story with a clear direction. The narrative begins with a vivid description of the sea and the protagonist’s desire to find the hidden treasure, followed by the discovery of the treasure and the protagonist’s motivations for sharing it. One area for improvement is the ending; for instance, the conclusion could be made more meaningful by adding further insight into the protagonist’s emotions or the impact of their actions.

       Sensory Imagery: 19/20
       The passage contains vivid sensory imagery that helps to bring the scene to life. For example, the description of the ‘jewels, gold and silver shimmered in the rays of the sun’ is vivid and evocative. The imagery could be further enriched with additional details; for instance, the scent of the ocean or the sound of the waves.

       Grammar: 20/20
       The grammar and syntax of the passage are flawless; the author has used varied and sophisticated sentence structures to create an engaging narrative.

       Characterization: 18/20
       The protagonist is portrayed as a complex and multi-dimensional character who is driven by a desire to provide for themselves and the people of their hometown. However, the characterization could be further developed by providing more detail on the protagonist’s backstory and their thoughts and feelings throughout the narrative.

       Vocabulary: 19/20
       The author has used a range of sophisticated words and phrases to create an engaging narrative. For example, ‘elusive’, ‘anticipation’, ‘myriad’, ‘demeanour’, ‘crumble’. However, one area for improvement is the use of more vivid and evocative words, such as ‘tempestuous’, ‘ebullience’, ‘allure’, ‘gleaming’, ‘turbulent’.

       Juxtaposition: 19/20
       The author has used juxtaposition effectively to communicate the protagonist’s emotions and motivations. For example, the juxtaposition of the ‘elusive treasure’ and the ‘turbulent floods in my hometown’ creates a stark contrast between the protagonist’s dreams and reality. This could be further developed by using further juxtapositions, such as the contrast between the protagonist’s past and present.

       Figurative Language: 19/20
       The author has used figurative language effectively to communicate the protagonist’s emotions and motivations. For example, the phrase ‘filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement’ creates an emotive image of the protagonist’s eagerness to find the treasure. This could be further developed by using further figurative language, such as metaphors and similes, to create an even more vivid image.

       Rewritten Narrative:
       The sea roared and thrashed around my ship like a raging beast, each wave begging me to turn back and run away. But I was a pirate, and I had sailed here to find the hidden treasure. I had been searching for weeks, tracing clues and deciphering maps, and tonight I was finally close to my goal. I felt a strange, restless anticipation stirring in my chest: I was here to find the hidden treasure, and I would not be stopped.

       I studied the shoreline. With this treasure, I could finally have a life of shelter and safety, far away from poverty and broken things. As I searched the beach, I spotted a large chest tucked between two rocks, and my heart leapt. After all this time, I had finally found it. I pulled the heavy box out of the sand and opened it, finding a myriad of jewels, gold and silver glinting in the sunlight. I had done it.

       I carried the chest into the cockpit of my ship and surveyed my spoils. I had been a thief for so long, stealing to survive. But now I had the riches I had always desired. However, as I thought of my hometown, my heart sank. People there had suffered far worse than I had, children with no education and support. I couldn’t let them go on like that.

       I opened the chest and looked inside. I had to give some of this treasure to the village. I had become a pirate to help myself, but now I could help others too. I took a deep breath and watched the waves batter the hull, each one reminding me of the constant floods in my hometown. I felt a deep sense of longing to return and share my newfound wealth.

       The ship slowly pulled away from the island and I watched the shoreline recede. I had come here searching for the hidden treasure, but in the end, I’d found something far more valuable: a chance to make a real difference.

       Reply
    6. 

       scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

       17 February 2023 at 2:15 pm

       Prompt 4 Feedback:

       Overall Score: 19/20

       Structure: 16/20
       The night was dark and still, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I’d been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful cooperation, and I was determined to do it. I’d been warned that the task would be difficult, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to uncover the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful cooperation.
       The structure of the passage is effective in providing the reader with a clear vision of the task the protagonist has to complete. However, the structure could be improved by adding more context to the story, such as why the protagonist was hired to investigate the cooperation and who hired them. This would help to create a more immersive experience for the reader and draw them further into the narrative.

       Sensory Imagery: 17/20
       Trodding along the pathways I stared at the address they had given me. Looking up to the huge building in front of me, I took a deep breath. I pushed open the large glass door and was greeted with a deafening silence. It seemed I was walking into a black hole. I walked through the hallway careful not to make any sound. Gripping at the edge of my coat, I grabbed the keycard given to me, put it in the slot and walked into the CEO’s office.
       The sensory imagery in this passage is effective in creating an immersive experience for the reader. The author has done a great job of bringing the environment to life and creating a vivid image of the protagonist’s journey. However, the imagery could be further enhanced by adding more details to the description of the environment. For example, the author could describe the texture of the walls or the smell of the hallway.

       Grammar: 20/20
       The grammar in this passage is impeccable and there are no errors to be found.

       Syntax: 20/20
       The syntax in this passage is well-structured and flows nicely.

       Characterization: 18/20
       Searching through the various papers that lay upon his desk, I found out that the cooperation had already developed vaccines to cure the fatal disease that has been spreading recently. The vaccines were ready to go but they were still negotiating with the government so they could get a whopping 300% profit. Time has passed and many lives have been taken, including one of my sisters’. It angered me immensely that they valued profit over life.
       The characterization in this passage is effective in creating an emotional connection between the reader and the protagonist. However, the characterization could be improved by adding more details about the protagonist’s emotions. For example, the author could describe the protagonist’s feelings of frustration and anger at the cooperation’s disregard for human life.

       Vocabulary: 18/20
       The author has used a range of basic words and phrases throughout this passage. However, the vocabulary could be improved by using more sophisticated words and phrases. For example, instead of “dark” the author could use “ebony”, instead of “stared” the author could use “glowered” and instead of “huge” the author could use “colossal”.

       Juxtaposition: 18/20
       The author has used juxtaposition effectively throughout this passage. For example, the contrast between the “deafening silence” and the “whispering of the wind” creates a vivid image for the reader. However, the author could improve the use of juxtaposition by adding more examples. For example, the author could contrast the protagonist’s sense of determination with the cooperation’s disregard for human life.

       Figurative Language: 18/20
       The author has used figurative language effectively throughout this passage. For example, the phrase “I was walking into a black hole” is a great example of personification. However, the author could improve the use of figurative language by adding more examples. For example, the author could use simile to describe the vastness of the building or metaphor to describe the protagonist’s journey.

       Vocab List:
       Ebony, Glowered, Colossal, Whispers, Determination, Disregard, Vastness, Journey, Simile, Metaphor, Bewilderment, Frustration, Anguish, Resolve, Adamant, Fervor, Zealous, Assiduous, Tenacity

       Rewrite:
       The night was as black as pitch and still as a tomb, the perfect time for me, a private investigator, to accomplish a clandestine mission. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation and no amount of warning could have prepared me for the arduous task ahead. I was determined to use all of my knowledge and skill to delve into the dark corners of the company.

       My boots scuffed against the pavement as I approached the address they had given me. My gaze rose to the immense building that loomed before me and I inhaled sharply. I pushed open the large glass door, greeted with a deathly hush. It felt like I was stepping into a void. I treaded through the hallway, careful not to make any noise. My fingers curled around the edge of my coat as I produced the keycard and inserted it into the slot. I stepped inside the CEO’s office.

       Rifling through the various documents on the desk, I discovered that the company had already created vaccines to cure the fatal disease that had been spreading rapidly. The vaccines were ready to be released, but the company was negotiating with the government to receive a hefty 300% profit. I was astounded to learn that they valued money over human lives; many, including my own sister, had perished due to their selfishness.

       I began to take photos. I had to report this to the media, in order to encourage the corporation to distribute the vaccine as soon as possible, thereby saving countless lives and ending this heinous war with the virus. As I exited the building, I felt a wave of satisfaction wash over me. My job as a detective had proved to be meaningful, yet again.

       Reply