Scholarship G2 W5 Writing
- January 19, 2023
- 12:42 pm
- 137 Comments
Part 1.
Topic 1: Write a persuasive essay explaining why zoos should be banned. In your essay, consider the ethical concerns of keeping animals in captivity and how zoos may negatively impact the conservation of wildlife. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
Topic 2: Write a persuasive essay explaining why people should adopt a vegan lifestyle. In your essay, consider the environmental, ethical, and health benefits of veganism. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
Topic 3: Write a persuasive essay arguing that single-use plastics should be banned. In your essay, consider the environmental impacts of single-use plastics and how a ban on these items can help protect the planet. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
Topic 4: Write a persuasive essay explaining why we should transition to renewable energy sources. In your essay, consider the environmental and economic benefits of renewable energy and how it can help to mitigate climate change. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kC4_-4TwXg2IhjRCfGlvd3y4shTBOSZOY18ZhGdHlFc/edit?usp=sharing
Part 2.
Scholarship Interview Writing
What can you contribute to the school? (400 words)
-Past achievements
-Community
-How these relate to your future contributions and more importantly what you will give the school?
-Achievements are all commodities
-STILL MENTION ACHIEVEMENTS AND PAST EXPERIENCE
DO NOT BRAND YOURSELF AS A COMMODITY
-LEADERSHIP
-HEART AND KINDNESS
-Embracing the school spirit
-MORAL VALUES
137 thoughts on “Scholarship G2 W5 Writing”
Imagine being whipped by the withering flames of injustice, taken and abandoned from your family and captured in a cage, another feast for the human eye’s desire for your striped coat. As each harp string of filtered sunlight collides onto your fake grass floor, you are panged by nostalgia as you remember life in the wilderness. This is the disconsolate reality for over 75% of zoo animals, says PetKeen. Animals forever trapped in their stimulated reality portrayed by man’s greed and folly are subject to torture, and therefore should be shut down. Accounting for the pillars of ethics and being truly moral, shutting zoos down will be for the greater good.
Imagine yourself encased in the tortured body of a tiger, whipped only for the pleasure of the audience before you, who shower you in applause yet you only know the truth. We have been forever shadowed by the veil of human torment, and have not recognised the true extent of our actions. According to the Humane Society, 50 million monkeys, dogs, cats and other animals are subject to torture such as starvation, physical affliction and confinement. We always believe that keeping a wild lion in a cage will tame it, yet we are still the most savage of beasts. When asked, “What does the ideal zoo look like to you?” 60% of civilians answered, “closed” in a recent survey conducted by the Australian Zoo. In recent footage, owners were caught hitting elephants with bull hooks.
It has been shown that animals were fed plastic in a local zoo in Westshire, with one dying from consuming 68 pounds. Every year, 1 in 7 people visiting the zoo stop to feed malnourished animals, though the rest take in the tiger’s dappled coat that was at a time raw and whipped. 56% of monkeys had been thirsty since the opening of these zoos, and the government hasn’t taken any action yet. Imagine being deprived of the resource every living creature needs most, drenched out of your life as you are strangled by chains and wrapped in the cathedral silence of your stone prison.
Some may argue that zoos provide pleasure, though how could somebody enjoy the making of countless torture and misdeeds? If set free in their natural habitats, people enjoy animals in their tranquil state of absorption, watching a giraffe grow a leafy bonnet as it arches its neck to pick out its natural food, not malformed sludge in a pail. 78% of people surveyed claimed they would like to see animals not locked up behind bars, but tranquilly poised in the wild, not a pawn in our silly game, but the queen of their own. A mosaic of organisations has opened up, such as Bring Penguins back. The true beauty of nature is only represented when it thrives in its own wild.
Therefore, zoos should be shut down and animals are relieved from the manacles of injustice posed by zoos. Animals should be allowed to roam in their own birthplace, to live their remaining life in peace under the canopy of rich life.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-Imagine being whipped by the withering flames of injustice
PART 1 TOPIC 2
Do you enjoy devouring meat and fish? Watch out, this could cause you many risks in life! The reasons I am about to showcase to you are just some disadvantages of eating this appetizing food. These are 3 reasons on why you should become a vegan.
Firstly, consuming meat can cause many health problems. Did you know that you can develop cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and cholesterol if you digest this food? Also, fish contain lots of mercury, a substance which is dangerous towards the health of our bodies. Eating vegetarian can prevent asthma, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, hypertension and arthritis. It is also a great way to practice your diet as you must sustain from consuming particular foods, similar to a diet. A survey showed that in an ideal life, many wish to have the power of no diseases. While that is impossible, veganism shows that we can almost achieve that dream.
Secondly, many defenseless and innocent animals get killed in pain, just to supply someone with food. While some may argue that it is vital and that we need to control animal population, if we keep slaying these poor animals, the whole society will collapse! Farmers will not have enough food to sell as they have no animals, and many people will starve consequently to defeating too many vulnerable animals. We have no right to do this horrible act, animals have the same right as humans!
Lastly, studies have shown that 90% of people that are vegetarian will gain longer lives. While many argue that there is still a chance you won’t gain a longer life, it is still worth the risk. Vegetarianism is a practice that has been passed down for generations in India. Over 70% of vegan population are Indians, and many people encourage others to try this tradition. Many benefits such as weight loss, reduced risk of disease and longer life are some key points and important advantages that very vital veganism provides you with.
Therefore, many must try being vegan to enhance their life will many rich and highly important benefits in life. We must stive to become healthy humans and save the world by being vegetarian.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-Do you enjoy devouring meat and fish
Part 1.
Topic 1.
An unsettling, righteous anger boils deep within my heart as I know that these beautiful creatures are incarcerated in hellholes of despair. I dream of a day when these magnificent animals are viewed as equals and are not subjected to exploitations of human greed and folly. I dream of a day where zoos are banned and these wonderful creatures are allowed to roam free, free from the coercing, sly hands of humanity. I believe that these prisons of desolate, hopeless souls will be banned. I believe that it is our moral duty to ban zoos.
A misty, masquerade has been set over the impression that have merited zoos as an incredible place for our kids to grasp the knowledge of nature. However, it places a toxic mentality upon our children as it emphasizes that cruelty and oppression against other beings is alright as long as people learn. Grime and filth are smothered on the cells gaoling these wonderful animals. Many of these zoos don’t focus their much needed attention on animal rights. We need a just society where zoos don’t exist and a utopia where it is a safe haven for these animals. Zoos degrade the animals as they are the subjects of human exploitation. They are locked behind bars of artificial grass, they are locked away from their rightful lands. We need to notice the unjust, malevolent doings of zoos. Locking away animals from their luscious lands is not the way, these deathtraps are dirty and unfair. The idea of zoos themselves is splattered with filth. Animal rights should be the first thought when it comes to ‘helping them’.
Metal bars and selective breeding do not stop these enthralling animals from perishing! Although certain species thrive under the compassionate hands of some zoos, it doesn’t mean that innocent animals have to be locked behind bars. Instead we reach out an olive branch and stop zoos from preying on these animals. There are undoubtedly more ethical and just ways to help these suffering animals. The prominent reason why these animals are perforated with problems is our own actions of inanity. Climate change, deforestation and poaching are all human effects. An easy way to protect animals is to stop those factors from coming into play. We need to embrace all living things to help save these animals. The ability to watch our own actions is paramount. We need to conserve our natural surroundings for the greater good. So rather than lacerating these pure, sinless animals in an embracement of greed and capitalization from zoos, we can teach ourselves to be genial and compassionate with the world we live in.
For too long these zoos have tormented animals under the impression that we are helping animals. However, ever since the 1900’s the purpose of zoos has always been to symbolize the superiority of humans over animals. They pay no attention to the science or the beneficial effects of animal conservation. This is simply cruel. Zoos have been proved to be detrimental to an animal’s physical and mental health. According to Ecocation, bears have suffered from OCD in the mercy of zoos. Giraffes and bears have suffered extended forms of depression. How can we call depression a successful form of conservation? Barring scars and bruises has been treated as an unjust normality among zoos in Britain. How will we be able to trust these so-called ‘sanctuaries’ for animals?
In conclusion, these grave injustices must be banned. The idea of zoos itself is cruel and twisted. They must be banned for the benefit of humans and animals alike. There is a ray of hope as more and more people set their eyes on this dire situation. You can help support animals and put an end to this situation by donating and protesting for animal rights. Help us put an end to this reign of tyranny.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-An unsettling
Topic 2.
A stain on our society has since been incarcerated upon us as we torture and maim animals for their meat. Human greed and folly has driven us into insanity. Silver chains and butcher knives flash beneath the disconsolate eyes of many animals alike. Sent to slaughterhouses without further thought. Tortuous amounts of mind-numbing pain shooting through an innocent animal’s mind. It is a crisis that is begging for a solution. Just imagine those animals, forced to be bred, only to grow up around the screeching and pleading of their relatives who are dying and sold for their meat. A disgusting violation of animal rights has been normalized for people with meat in their diet. Desolate cries from an animal are silenced and set aside as it enters a greedy mouth.
Veganism is the way to go. We need a call to stop this blood-thirsty oppression. We need a stop to this flagrant disregard for animal rights. Having a plant based diet doesn’t encourage the stopping of mass murder of animals. However, it does encourage a change for the better in the world of animal rights. We need to right the wrongs we have caused by sending misery and despair into the hands of these sinless animals. Slaughterhouses are cruel and inhumane. Before animals are sent to the slaughterhouse either for their meat or hide, they are full of disease, suffering and pain. The action of slitting millions of throats are set aside as these governments give no thought to animals. This is because of human greed and folly as an unsustainable food source is prominent in the market. Doesn’t harrowing moans of eternal suffering and the bloodshot eyes of desolate animals seem cruel and unjust to you?
Another reason to go vegan is because of dwindling resources of freshwater. Degradation of the world’s resources of water has been an effect of exploitation. It is another material that animal agriculture seems to abuse. Eating meat means that the cows, sheep, chickens and pigs need to grow big. That calls for large amounts of water. The meat industry wasted 20% of the world’s total drinking supply in a few years. 2500 gallons of water are needed to produce a single pound of beef. We can’t afford to waste our precious resources on an unsustainable source of food. Although you may argue that plants also need water to survive, there are plants such as the tomato that are excellent at growing in drought conditions. It is not only healthier for the environment but also for people. It is a sustainable replacement for meat as it outshines it in nutrients and the amount of energy it provides us.
By supporting a meat industry, you are also supporting the inhumane and malevolent ways to produce the food you eat. Deforestation and climate change are the aftermath of producing the exuberant amounts of space needed for animal farms. Feel the urgency and magnitude of this global problem. Millions of acres of land are put to waste as animals are forced to breed as a result of human greed and consumption. The breeding and feeding of these farm animals takes time and energy. Factory farming is responsible for a large amount of perilous greenhouse gas emissions. They produce more gas than cars, trains and planes combined! Imagine the future as a disconsolate dystopia, smothered with caliginous wisps and tendrils of asphyxiating air. That will undoubtedly become the future if the meat industry is not abandoned and replaced by veganism.
In conclusion, the effect of factory farming cannot go unseen. Millions of desperate, dying animals are slaughtered for their meat. Animals are not growing old enough to die of natural causes because of this cruel, savage barbaric way to fuel us. Our dwindling resources are wasted for unsustainable ways of staying full. We need to realize our moral duty to protect these ‘useless’ ‘farm animals’. People need to adopt a plant based lifestyle before things go off the rail. For the sinless, suffering animals, for the environment and for yourself, please try to replace meat with vegetables for the sake of saving our world.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-A stain on our society has since been incarcerated upon us as we torture and maim animals for their meat
Part 3
Single use Plastics, A thing of the past
Single use plastics. Widespread all around the world and leaving a path of destruction everywhere it goes, whether it be over water, the sky or land. Innocent animals getting suffocated because of our greed and insatiable thirst for power. Malevolent pieces of plastic in all forms, plastic bags, plastic containers and even one plastic dinosaur, sitting forgotten in the great pacific garbage patch, sadly losing its tail but still sporting its malicious glare. If we stop spreading these plastics around the world, especially single use ones, animals and humans alike will both thrive better. It also wastes a lot of finite resources from the production of single use plastics and also single use plastics last a long time while continually damaging the ecosystem. I firmly believe we should ban single use plastics.
In our world, single use plastic, as the name suggests, is single use, then thrown out after it is used. It doesn’t degrade fast, and could still be there after a 100 years. Whilst there, animals might mistake it as food, and swallow dangerous things like plastic bags and bits of plastic. This is detrimental to animals because they can die very easily from plastic and according to earth day, humans use 1.2 million plastic bottles per minute on average which means if all these bottles found a new home in a beautiful creature, a lot of animals would die. This means if we removed plastic bottles our world would be much better, with less animals dying.
Furthermore, single use plastic uses up lots of resources that are unrenewable such as coal,gas, and oil. This means that the production of these things means that we have to use up these precious materials. According to 1 million women, worldwide, 2 million plastic bags are made every minute and they usually last only 12 minutes. If you put this in an equation, there would be billions of plastic bags right now, only awaiting to strangle their new victim. Plastic bags are non renewable, meaning they can’t be turned into something else easily like other things, such as rubber or the non single use plastic and will be sure to pollute the earth, water and skies.
In addition, single use plastics don’t biodegrade for a long time. I’m not just talking about a couple of months, but even up to 100 years. This means plastics are free to cause their arc of destruction as long as they haven’t degraded yet. Even if you try to bury them into the ground, all it will do is cause the ground to be polluted and no crops can grow there. Garbage patches are only a temporary solution. At this rate we are producing single use plastics and the rate single use plastics biodegrade, we will eventually have the whole oceans consumed with rubbish and also land. We must seek a new solution and its simple, get rid of single use plastics.
To conclude, this arc of destruction should be prohibited. Single use plastics are being produced faster then they biodegrade and the only solution is banning single use plastics. They must be banned for the earth and everything on earth. We should end single use plastic reign of terror by simply using reusable bags at your local supermarket and not buying too many single use plastic items, such as plastic bottles. We must end single use plastics tyrannic reign once and for all. Let it be a thing of the past.m
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-Single use Plastics
Topic 3.
I am filled with disgust as I see the tonnes of plastic waste, rotting away in the pacific ocean. It is our unwavering moral duty to protect the land which we live on for future generations. Our precious sea life is lacerated with floating lifeless bags made of plastic. Fish and coral alike are suffering under the tyrannous reign of plastic. Single-use plastic, to put it simply, is a perilous hazard which we cannot risk having floating about. Desolate islands of filth, human contamination and death traps for marine life are constantly floating around in the sea and air. Animals are dying and they are suffering. I dream of a day and age where all animals are free from the chains and grasps of pollution. I dream of a time where animals don’t suffer from human soilage but strive in a sanctuary of liveliness.
Single use plastics such as plastic bags, forks, spoons, knives and straws are one of the world’s largest pollutants. A percentage of the epipelagic zone is smothered in a layer of plastics. Millions of sea creatures mistake these floating atrocities as jellyfish. One or two animals might have died because of your folly! Imagine an innocent, sinless animal, choking to death as the malevolent tendrils of plastic slowly draw out the last vessels of life left inside its tormented soul. Research has shown that it takes plastic hundreds of years to finally break down and become unable to kill. However, in those hundreds of years, thousands of animals could have perished. How can you rest knowing that even when you have died, your plastic waste would be ending the righteous souls of fish? Entire ecosystems are collapsing. Entire habitats are crumbling under human greed. Entire families of creatures are slowly going extinct. We must ban single use plastics.
Beyond the fields of sea pollution, single use plastics are being produced in a harmful way. This mass produced killer is born under the pillars of caliginous smoke. Gas emissions are the aftermath of plastic. The process in which you make plastic is creating another harmful, pernicious pollutant. Swirling masses of pain dance through the air. Searching for its next victim. Gas and the remnants of fossil fuels are pumped into the pure air. Towering pillars of asphyxiating smoke are rising into the air right as you are reading this. Exacerbating the world’s already climbing temperatures. As a result of our laziness, these clouds of tenebrous, ebony smoke are smothering birds and humans in a layer of impurity. How can you rest knowing that we are destroying this utopia?
Well, even if we do ban this ‘preposterous’ plastic, how will we carry our groceries? How will we be able to make straws? How will we be able to use food containers? Well, those problems are being solved. Carrying your groceries can now be done by using recyclable paper bags. Paper is a substance which will dissolve quickly and won’t be taking the lives of sinless animals. Companies are now making metal straws which can be used again and again. Metal straws can be crushed and melted from their original shape and turned into other useful objects. Food containers, for example, can be made out of glass. All of these examples are better and more sustainable than floating killers waiting for another throat to choke.
To summate, we must ban these single use plastics. Killers, spreading misery throughout these animals. The world is dying. Oceans are preparing for their last and final breaths. The air is perishing. People and animals alike are drowning beneath the tendrils of greenhouse gasses. We need to ban the plastics which are constantly killing away at the helpless creatures. Millions of tonnes of plastic are being thrown into the ocean without a second glance. Killing off millions of animals. The food chain is collapsing. Entire ecosystems are turning gray and drawing their last breaths. Smoke is billowing out of stone pillars, right now as we speak. How are we supposed to rest when we know that the world is dying? We will only rest when we know that single use plastics are banned!
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-I am filled with disgust as I see the tonnes of plastic waste
Topic 1: Write a persuasive essay explaining why zoos should be banned. In your essay, consider the ethical concerns of keeping animals in captivity and how zoos may negatively impact the conservation of wildlife. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
A zoo is a place where captive animals are put on display for humans to see. While early zoos (shortened from zoological parks) concentrated on displaying as many unusual creatures as possible—often in small, cramped conditions. A study by Bristol University found that many British zoos fail to provide animals with the required minimum standard of care.
Wild animals often suffer in captivity because they were meant to be free. Many zoo animals are forcefully removed from their natural habitat. This relocation alone can come as a large shock and wreak havoc on the animals’ mental health. For some animals in zoos, the shock of their relocation alone can be fatal.
Individual animals have sentience and therefore have rights. Keeping endangered animals in zoos infringes on those individuals’ rights to freedom.
In addition, when animals are removed from their natural habitats, they are also removed from their family structure and social hierarchy. For many wild animals, this is a vital part of their life, and they can struggle to redefine their footing.
Baby animals bring in visitors and money, but this incentive to breed new baby animals leads to overpopulation. Surplus animals are sold not only to other zoos, but also to circuses and hunting facilities. Some zoos simply kill their surplus animals outright.
The vast majority of captive breeding programs do not release animals back into the wild. The offspring are forever part of the chain of zoos, circuses, petting zoos, and the exotic pet trade that buys, sells, barters, and generally exploits animals.
When factoring in the number of zoos breeding animals and the risk posed to baby animals, the change of disease skyrockets further.
There have also been reported cases of zoos not properly disposing of dead bodies when animals die on their premises. Some surplus animals or injured animals are even fed to predators as a means of life-cycle maintenance.
Animals sometimes escape their enclosures, endangering themselves as well as people. Likewise, people ignore warnings or accidentally get too close to animals, leading to horrific outcomes. For example, Harambe, a 17-year-old western lowland gorilla, was shot in 2016 when a toddler accidentally fell into his enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo. While the child survived and was not badly injured, the gorilla was killed outright.
At the end of the day, Zoos are largely unethical places that are built under the pretense of habitat conservation but really are there to earn money and entertain people who want to be able to say they saw real-life wild animals. Many zoos claim to be helping preserve dwindling populations.
This may be true to some extent; however, many zoos are running breeding programs for their own benefit and have no interest in releasing their animals back into the wild.
The truth is that zoos are a prison for animals. They are contained in small spaces, often made docile through drugs and other medications, and slowly strip away all autonomy and freedom from all animals.
Removing individual specimens from the wild further endangers the wild population because the remaining individuals will be less genetically diverse and may have greater difficulty finding mates. Maintaining species diversity within captive breeding facilities is also a challenge.
If people want to see wild animals in real life, they can observe wildlife in the wild or visit a sanctuary. (A true sanctuary does not buy, sell, or breed animals, but instead takes in unwanted exotic pets, surplus animals from zoos, or injured wildlife that can no longer survive in the wild.)
In addition, a more educational option is to make arrangements to view animals in the wild. Nature reserves, bird watching, going on a safari. All of these options afford you a close view of nature exactly as it was intended.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-Topic 1
Topic 2: Write a persuasive essay explaining why people should adopt a vegan lifestyle. In your essay, consider the environmental, ethical, and health benefits of veganism. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
To improve beef tenderness and also eliminate the “boar taint” stench in pork, male calves and piglets are castrated.
To prevent hens from pecking each other in crammed battery cages, egg producers use a hot blade to sear off the pointy final third of their beaks—reducing the chances that a peck can draw blood. While a beak may appear woody on the outside, the hen’s mouth lies inside and is full of nerve endings. Beak searing entails a partial amputation of the bird’s mouth.
Each of these mutilations, including castration, typically occurs without anesthesia. Factory farm owners regard even the cheapest pain killers as prohibitively expensive.
I am shocked and in disbelieve that these innocent beautiful creatures are being mutilated, tormented in the prisons of despair merely for human consumption, gluttony, greed and lunacy.
This is our only chance for redemption to spare these creatures of pain and suffering.
When a beef or dairy cow steps onto the kill floor, a worker puts a captive bolt pistol to the animal’s forehead. The trigger pulled, a steel rod shoots through her skull, instantly inflicting a massive brain injury. A chain then hoists the cow into the air, and another worker cuts her throat. Over the following minutes she bleeds out as her still-pumping heart gushes blood onto the floor.
Chicken producers say they stun their birds prior to slaughter, but they don’t, really. Their so-called “stunning” is actually done to speed up slaughter, and probably only compounds the birds’ misery. In the United States, chickens are exempt from the Humane Slaughter Act. Anything goes, and the industry has no worries about facing cruelty prosecutions.
The birds are hung upside down, with their feet inserted into steel shackles. They then whiz down the line at rates of at least 175 birds a minute. Just before reaching the blade, the chicken passes through an electrified water bath. The electric shock stuns the bird, just long enough for the head to hang limply to expose his throat to the blade. At times, the blade misses the neck, the chicken will be fully conscious a couple minutes later when it’s dropped into a tank of scalding water used to remove feathers from the carcasses of freshly-killed birds. Millions of these fully conscious birds have scalded to death after a botched slaughter.
A worldwide avian influenza outbreak during the winter of 2021-22 caused the culling of 77 million chickens worldwide. To minimise labor costs, farmers employ a barbaric killing method known as ventilation shutdown, which resulted in temperatures spike, and the animals cook to death. It takes three to four hours to die.
Animal agriculture is the second largest contributor to human-made greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions after fossil fuels and is a leading cause of deforestation, water and air pollution and biodiversity loss. Tackling Climate Change Through Livestock, a widely-cited 2013 report by the UN Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO), estimates about 14.5 percent of global GHG emissions, or 7.1 gigatons of CO2 equivalent, can be attributed to the livestock sector annually. This is broadly equivalent to the emissions from all the fuel burned by all the world’s transport vehicles, including cars, trucks, trains, boats and airplanes.
What can we do to help? Think about the legacy we want to leave. Consider the ripple effect of slaughter defenseless creatures, on the environment and on the future generations to come.
One way that we can do to help is to go vegan. Veganism aims to reduce animal suffering and advocate for a more compassionate world by avoiding products made from animals.
By adopting a vegan, plant-based lifestyle is the kindest and most impactful choice we can make—for animals, for our personal health, and for our planet.
Beyond our own health and wellbeing, making vegan food choices can also support the health of our environment. As we’ve seen with climate change, notable changes to our ecosystems can create catastrophic threats for both humans and animals.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-Topic 2
Topic 3: Write a persuasive essay arguing that single-use plastics should be banned. In your essay, consider the environmental impacts of single-use plastics and how a ban on these items can help protect the planet. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
On the 11 May, British Divers Marine Life Rescue (BDMLR) were called out by members of the public who had spotted a grey seal in the sea that was trapped within a huge mass of tangled marine litter and ghost gear in an inaccessible location along the coast near Boscastle, Cornwall. Due to the time of day and state of the tide, it was not possible to immediately launch a boat from the harbour, but early the next morning a team of volunteers headed out on board a boat kindly offered by a local resident, while other volunteers from BDMLR and Cornwall Seal Group Research Trust (CSGRT) assisted with the search from the clifftops where it had last been seen. Despite the efforts to find it, the stricken animal was never seen again.
On 27 May, the same seal was found washed ashore a few miles further down the coast at Trebarwith Strand, England. Heartbreakingly, he had died as a result of the injuries he had sustained. Volunteers from BDMLR and the Cornwall Wildlife Trust Marine Strandings Network (CWTMSN) attended the scene to record and photograph the body in detail and to remove the entangling material from around him, though nobody could be prepared for the gut-wrenching sight hidden beneath the pollution. As the material around his neck was gradually cut away, more and more of the injury was slowly revealed until finally, laid bare was an animal that had clearly endured a horrific amount of suffering.
Over 640,000 tonnes of fishing gear are abandoned or lost at sea every year.
The abandoned, lost or discarded fishing gear threatens millions of marine animals. Fish and invertebrates become entangled, die and become bait for larger marine animals – such as whales, dolphins, sharks, sea turtles, seals, seabirds and other animals, which, in turn, can themselves become entangled in the nets as they feed, become ensnared themselves and then die in agony.
Floating single-use plastic also accumulates microbes and algae on the surface that gives it an odour that’s appetising to some sea animals. Once animals consume it, ingested plastic can pierce internal organs or cause fatal intestinal blockages; it also leads to starvation, because a stomach crammed with plastic gives an animal the illusion of being full.
Microplastics look similar to plankton, which is food for hundreds of species at the base of the food chain, meaning plastic infiltrates entire ecosystems. Researchers have even discovered that organisms as tiny as the polyps in corals regularly consume microplastics.
Plastics absorb pollutants that are floating around in the ocean, and contain harmful chemicals themselves. Preliminary research suggests that when animals consume these toxin-infused particles, it could damage their organs, make them more susceptible to disease, and alter their reproduction.
A study found that almost 35 percent of turtle deaths are caused by the animals ingesting plastic. As per ABC News reports, a 2008 crocodile autopsy in Australia found 25 bags in its stomach. According to a report by National Geographic, nearly every single seabird is eating plastic, as plastic that’s thrown away is found in 90 percent of them. Humans also are consuming seriously contaminated seafood. This pollution threatens our health and has social and economic costs to coastal communities, and fishing and commercial navigation.
Single use plastics pollute the land and water, they never break down, they contribute to climate change, they harm animals, they affect human health and they can be replaced with sustainable alternatives like paper bags, reusable coffee cups and paper straws to name a few.
Hi Psyduck. It was noted that in your first two paragraphs, you copied if from a website. When stating factual information, please do paraphrase/ not extract the whole thing. Only bits and pieces of it that supports your main standpoint. Please do reupload your work and feedback will be given right away.
Animals in Zoos: The Dark Secrets That They Don’t Want You To Know About
Imagine if you were an innocuous animal discarded in prisons of “atrocity,” mentally and physically chained, suffering each and every moment because of “human greed and folly.” Every ray of hope, every ray of sunlight, has vanished from your soul, as now you are controlled like flimsy puppets, with your mother and father not there to comfort you and thousands of kilometers away from your enclosure. This is the devastating reality of what animals in zoo enclosures experience every day. That adorable koala you see munching casually on an eucalyptus tree may be devastated by the cruelty it has been shown. The toxic mentality that society has should be eradicated.
For too long, zoos have been justified as places where endangered animals are protected and injured animals are cared for until they are able to thrive in the wild. Many people are fooled by the hollow excuses zoo keepers constantly remind society of, yet few people understand the detrimental hellholes animals are placed in. According to the Sydney Morning Herald, last Sunday, a bolt-action rifle was placed against the head of a reticulated giraffe at the Copenhagen Zoo. The 18-month-old giraffe, better known as Marius, was finishing his favourite breakfast of rye bread.The officially sanctioned blast killed the giraffe, which had been in perfect health. After a public autopsy in front of children and adult visitors, the animal was fed to the zoo’s lions and big cats. This caused public outrage. Another study showed that 56% of monkeys were thirsty after being put in zoos, and animals have been fed plastic as meals, with one being fed 68 tons of plastic. These prisons are poorly maintained, and although it seems like zoos have regulated checks, the reality behind the scenes is different. What are zoos teaching us? Is abusing animals now an ordinary activity that we have been unaware of? Animals are suffering from human greed because they want to be entertained. Society has become toxic.
While zoos may benefit animals, the complete dark side outweighs the advantages. These are the disadvantages. Unfortunately, research has shown that to supply zoos, wild animals are killed or kidnapped. Animals are not widely distributed in zoos. Animals end up in zoos after being kidnapped from their natural habitats and transported there. Zoos prefer to capture and exhibit young animals, but the parents interfere. As a result, zoos frequently hire hunters to kill the parents, after which the bereaved baby animals are placed in shipping containers and shipped to their final destinations. Many animals are killed while being transported, either from malnutrition or depression. The care and love that zookeepers promote on social media is a different story. For example, animals aren’t allowed to choose their own mates and friends to socialize with; their movements and behaviors are limited; and when animals get old, they are either killed or sold.
Furthermore, the hollow excuse of zoos being a place where people are educated about animals is a major flaw. Firstly, it has been proven that zoos are not only intended to protect endangered species, but also to boost the economy and increase tourism. There have been many cases where zookeepers do not care for the animals when the public isn’t around; when the public is surrounding the enclosure, the zookeeper makes sure that the animals are cared for. Also, there are many other places where animals can be educated. For instance, blogs, newspapers, documentaries, social media, videos, articles, and even schools are credible places that can provide information about animals without the need to harm them. Haven’t we already learned from disgraceful human zoos? Animals should not be treated differently from humans.
In conclusion, now is the time we must raise our voice for a just society.The oppression of animals should be abolished immediately to create a society of liberation and freedom. Zoos must be banned immediately; the dark secrets will no longer be kept hidden. With countless proofs and evidence from a variety of credible experiences, it has been shown that animals have been put in hellholes of atrocity and torment until death, and this must be eradicated. Animals are innocent and should not be used to boost the economy or tourism. They should not be used for entertainment or as a sham excuse for painful education. Animals need to be free and should have the same rights as humans. They have done nothing to us and yet why do we treat them with such cruelty?
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-Animals in Zoos
Topic 1
Imagine the pain and suffering an innocent, blameless animal would endure in a caged hellhole where it is made to entertain for the purpose of human greed and folly. I crave a future where the inequality and exploitation of living creatures is extinct – just like the many lives we have assassinated through the barbaric treatment we put many flesh and blood through! These atrocities cage the chance of an animal’s freedom, equality and justice. My heart fills with empathy and rage as I see a creature we made captive in a death trap created by human hands – zoos.
With the little compassion we have left in our insensate hearts, I beg you, think about the children, the future generations of the animals we have imprisoned! Have you ever been to a zoo? How often are the creatures delightfully happy and well? As Anthony Douglas William stated, “Animals have hearts that feel, eyes that see, and families to care for, just like you and me.” Zoos trap and kidnap beautiful creatures away from their natural environment. National Geographic shows that animals suffer in zoos both emotionally and physically, showing behavior such as bar biting and pacing. Don’t be fooled by the cute results of swimming with dolphins, selfies with quokkas, hugs with tigers or riding on elephants. These are harmful to the innocent wildlife and dangerous for humans as well. Countries such as Australia, known for it’s abundant and plentiful wildlife, attracts 400 million tourists per year. These travelers think it’s worth it to take a memorable picture with the fauna even if it’s morally wrong. For example, I can personally declare that riding on elephants is inhumanely cruel. The trainers carry whips that leave marks on even the elephant’s tough skin. The only reason for this is money. Beautiful creatures, made to do bidding for our greed and folly? Think about the legacy you want to leave!
For too long, zoos have been justified because of animal-breeding programs that “help” endangered species. However, this inhumane breeding cannot cover the degradation caused by so-called “safe environments of animals” to these elegant fauna! When breeding fails, the animals are culled or poached. Some people argue that zoos are educational opportunities for children; however a 2014 study by the Society for Conservation Biology found that of over 2,800 children surveyed following visits to London Zoo, 62% showed no positive learning outcomes. “Zoos are prisons for animals, camouflaging their cruelty with conservation claims,” Mimi Bekhechi, director of international programmes at PETA, explains.
The tormented creatures are also kept in tiny enclosures alone. With no other healthy contact, the depressed animals tolerate gross violations of rights – but only because they have no other choice! Away from their natural habitat, all they can do is watch as cruel humans gawk and throw things at them. What a flagrant disregard for fairness! It is a cry for help that nature is throwing at us. The earth is not a dead thing we can claim – every rock and tree and creature has a life, a spirit, a name. Is this what humankind has become? A blatant, selfish species that massacres, butchers and tortures mercilessly? Believe me, one day, our malevolence will lead to our own grave. One day, we will regret not embracing all lives as the wonderful creatures they are. The legacy we leave might never be a good one if we don’t act, fast.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-Imagine the pain and suffering an innocent
Part 2.
Scholarship Interview Writing
What can you contribute to the school? (400 words)
-Past achievements
-Community
-How these relate to your future contributions and more importantly what you will give the school?
-LEADERSHIP
-HEART AND KINDNESS
-Embracing the school spirit
-MORAL VALUES
In chess, I have competed internally within my school as well as against other schools within the Eastern division. I won the chess tournament at school 2 years in a row therefore, I received the Junior Chess O’Carroll Cup.
Through weekly chess competitions, I have earned seven medals and three trophies which are the Gold King, the Platinum Queen and the Double Platinum Medieval King.
Due to my achievements, I have been nominated by my school and hand-selected by Sydney Academy of Chess to join the NSW Elite Chess training program for promising young players.
I frequently participated in the Coogee Boys Preparatory school debating team and Student Representative Council (SRC).
Within the school community, as a member of SRC, I support community fundraising for important issues like ‘Pretty Flipped’ which encourages the boys at school to flip a piece of clothing inside out for one day and pledged to valuing girls form the inside not out.
I actively promote and raise awareness of the educational benefit of chess within the school community. Chess can improve concentration and focus, develops logical thinking and problem solving skills, enhances memory, encourages creative and lateral thinking, promotes discipline, accelerates emotional development, expands visualisation and spatial awareness, demonstrates actions and consequences, rewards correct decision making and increases self confidence. I was appointed as a mentor in my school’s chess squad.
As an aspiring young leader and a promising young chess player, I am currently working towards my chess captaincy by assisting and coaching both junior and senior chess players, years 2 to 6, at school. I aspire to lead with empathy, and learning how and when to delegate tasks to my mentees to strengthen the team’s relationship.
I approach challenging tasks with a positive attitude, creativity and resilience. I am also an effective team player, continually trying to improve my active listening skills and how to give and receive feedback.
Continuous learning of conflict resolution, how to give effective feedback and working together towards a successful outcome for the team and our school.
Through my primary years I have been a positive role model to the infant classes by encouraging and promoting the school’s values which are gentlemen, scholar, sportsmanship. I shall continue to promote these values to my fellow students.
During the swimming and athletics carnivals we are proudly wearing our individual house colour, cheering on our fellow house members and other house members with pride and passion.
My moral values outline in the anecdote below:
I continuously lost against my uncle, even when I had all of my pieces and he removed two of his most powerful pieces, the queen and rook. Once the game ended, he walked me through his strategies, thought process and blunders that I had made. He encouraged me to refine my strategies, how to think a few steps ahead of my opponent and the ability to make thoughtfully considered decisions under pressure.
I was and still am determined to beat him. One of these days, I shall reach my next summit, winning the game against him via checkmate.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK-Scholarship Interview Writing
Topic 2
For too long, factory farming has been an overwhelming part of animal cruelty. Slaughter houses are immoral stains on our community! Imagine the pain a cow, pig, chicken, duck or other beautiful creatures undergo during the killing – just for a barbecue. 99% of piteous animals are crammed into wire mesh cages, metal boxes, or other windowless sheds. These animals will never raise their families, build habitats, or anything else. They might never see the sun or breathe fresh air. Put yourself in their shoes – they are hopeless, helpless, pathetic. They do not have the choice to be murdered, but we have the choice to murder them.
As Jonathan Safran Foer stated, “Factory farming, of course, does not cause all the world’s problems, but it is remarkable just how many of them intersect there.” Animals are crammed into tiny spaces and often they die from disease. Picture the devastation and demise! The beautiful creatures that die day after day, as if lives are tissues to be thrown away and wasted, suffer fear and torment in slaughter houses. Often they don’t even have enough space to turn or lie down comfortably. The animals are fed chemicals and vitamins to make them grow fat or produce an unnatural amount of eggs or milk before being slaughtered. Furthermore, these chemicals also threaten human health. Paul McCartney from PETA announced, “If slaughter houses had glass walls, everyone in the world would be vegan.” Imagine the yelps and screams of pure pain in their dying moments as the creatures meet their death. The splatters of blood and inequality all over the place. Think about the loss and moral implications!
However, there is a ray of hope, a beacon of light, a call for unity for this depressing, cruel situation. Many people never thought about veganism, but here’s a reason to – factory farming. Veganism also has plenty of benefits, including reducing the risk of cancer, type 2 diabetes and heart disease. It can promote weight loss and plant-based diets can supply vitamins that you need. Pollutants can have serious health consequences for people who work in farms and those who live in the neighbourhood. Ammonia can cause breathing problems including lung disease, and exposure to the particulate matter over a longer period is linked with heart attacks. Asthma rates are higher in people who live near a factory farm. Animal agriculture is 16.5 percent of human generated greenhouse gases, which makes eating a hamburger more harmful than those gases that come out of your car!
Factory farming is a spiteful and hideous practice on gaunt animals that have no choice to die. The animals that die of infection, that are not eaten, that are treated horribly, can never feel the sun on their backs or walk the earth. No creature deserves to live like this. This is a wake- up call to justice and veganism – to stop factory farming and slaughter houses, and to live a healthy, plant-based life.. What is veganism? Veganism: a chance at redemption.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK- JASLYNYC- Topic 2
Topic 4: Write a persuasive essay explaining why we should transition to renewable energy sources. In your essay, consider the environmental and economic benefits of renewable energy and how it can help to mitigate climate change. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
A large chunk of the greenhouse gases that blanket the Earth and trap the sun’s heat are generated through energy production, by burning fossil fuels to generate electricity and heat. Fossil fuels, such as coal, oil and gas, are by far the largest contributor to global climate change, accounting for over 75 percent of global greenhouse gas emissions and nearly 90 percent of all carbon dioxide emissions.
How can renewable energy stave off the worst effects of rising temperatures?
Renewable energy sources such as solar and wind don’t emit carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases that contribute to global warming.
What is renewable energy?
Renewable energy is produced using natural resources that are constantly replaced and never run out. Just as there are many natural sources of energy, there are many renewable energy technologies.
The most popular renewable energy sources currently are:
Solar energy
Wind energy
Hydro energy
Tidal energy
Geothermal energy
Biomass energy
What are the benefits of renewable energy?
1. Renewable energy sources are all around us.
About 80 percent of the global population lives in countries that are net-importers of fossil fuels — that’s about 6 billion people who are dependent on fossil fuels from other countries, which makes them vulnerable to geopolitical shocks and crises.
In contrast, renewable energy sources are available in all countries, and their potential is yet to be fully harnessed.
2. Renewable energy is cheaper
Renewable energy actually is the cheapest power option in most parts of the world today. Prices for renewable energy technologies are dropping rapidly. The cost of electricity from solar power fell by 85 percent between 2010 and 2020. Massively cutting carbon emissions and helping to mitigate climate change.
3. Renewable energy is healthier
According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), about 99 percent of people in the world breathe polluted air that threatens their health. More than 13 million deaths around the world each year are due to avoidable environmental causes, including air pollution.
In 2018, air pollution from fossil fuels caused $2.9 trillion in health and economic costs, about $8 billion a day.
Switching to clean sources of energy, such as wind and solar, thus helps address not only climate change but also air pollution and health.
4. Renewable energy creates jobs
Every dollar of investment in renewables creates three times more jobs than in the fossil fuel industry. The IEA estimates that the transition towards net-zero emissions will lead to an overall increase in energy sector jobs: while about 5 million jobs in fossil fuel production could be lost by 2030, an estimated 14 million new jobs would be created in clean energy, resulting in a net gain of 9 million jobs.
5. Renewable energy makes economic sense
About $5.9 trillion was spent on subsidising the fossil fuel industry in 2020, including through explicit subsidies, tax breaks, and health and environmental damages that were not priced into the cost of fossil fuels.
In comparison, about $4,trillion a year needs to be invested in renewable energy until 2030 – including investments in technology and infrastructure – to allow us to reach net-zero emissions by 2050.
The upfront cost can be daunting for many countries with limited resources. Investments in renewable energy will pay off. The reduction of pollution and climate impacts alone could save the world up to $4.2 trillion per year by 2030.
The impacts of climate change on different sectors of society are interrelated. Drought can harm food production and human health. Flooding can lead to disease spread and damages to ecosystems and infrastructure. Human health issues can increase mortality, impact food availability, and limit worker productivity. Climate change impacts are seen throughout every aspect of the world we live in. Renewable energy could hold the key to combating climate change.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK- PSYDUCK- Topic 4
PART 2
-Past achievements
-Community
-How these relate to your future contributions and more importantly what you will give the school?
-Achievements are all commodities
-STILL MENTION ACHIEVEMENTS AND PAST EXPERIENCE
DO NOT BRAND YOURSELF AS A COMMODITY
-LEADERSHIP
-HEART AND KINDNESS
-Embracing the school spirit
-MORAL VALUES
In my violin, I consistently practice it as I know that I will improve. My determination and perseverance have earned me a High Distinction in my latest violin exam. I have participated in music classes, showing my violin. My mum and dad keep motivating me to do better and practice more and show me the rhythm and how to tune my violin. I love participating in different competitions and strive to become better than my violin teacher.
Soccer is a sport that I love and have a strong desire and passion for. It is my favourite sport. In soccer, you need to cooperate and pass the ball to score. I am good at these, and I can therefore score incredible goals. When I started soccer, my dad taught me how to play from a young age. I desired to become better than my dad and someday even play for a professional soccer club! Now, I am striving for that distant dream more than ever and wish to become better at soccer than my dad.
Previously, I have achieved many great awards for my passion and consistency for academic and athletic reasons. I have won trophies and many more. My achievements include a wide variety such as the highest score in a test in my class, winning an academic student of the year, and much more.
My leadership skills are comforting and reliable. I can be their when you need help, and I also have the ability to contribute to discussions and lead groups. I was a soccer captain a few times in matches and due to my fantastic instructing and respect skills, we always won the games.
I can embrace the school spirit by helping others achieve goals and doing what is right. I enjoy communicating with other students that are my level of understanding for different subjects. For my dream school, I can contribute by giving other students ideas and explanations so I can cooperate with them well.
My moral values relate to leadership. Some of my moral values are honesty, responsibility, caring, forgiveness, respect and perseverance. I can become a great leader using these values. One time, I couldn’t find an answer to a tricky question. So, I kept trying and eventually I found the answer. Even when I have done sinister things, I consider what I have done wrong and tell the truth to others.
My heart and kindness can help other people gain their goals and dreams. I enjoy seeing others achieve their goals and obtain new accomplishments, and I can help many students with work. My heart and kindness can also aid people into trying new skills or having new opportunities.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK- YISUB- PART 2
Envision being strangled in the nauseating stench of rotting carcasses, each cow head staring at you with lifeless eyes, as you only imagine the process of making the perfect steak. Screams of agony ring throughout the slaughterhouse as men in white slit their throats, a maroon pond manifesting where the animal last stood. This is the life that many farm animals need to endure, and in the end, nothing is still alive by the time they turn old. Their deaths are one cacophonous symphony conducted by human greed and folly. Veganism prevents 30% of animal slaughtering per year, making it the healthiest decision.
Us humans have been veiled by the news articles claiming we need red meat in our diets. Imagine cattle being herded into their deaths, where bolts of metal penetrate their heads just to provide an unnecessary meal of steak. It is shown that vegetables can provide 100% of a human’s nutrients, so why blemish animal lives for burgers? As animals are sent into the slaughterhouse, withering chains of confinement strap them into a definite journey into Death’s open arms. Only 3% of Australia is vegan which gives it a C in animal welfare, according to World Atlas. Veganism provides all vitamins without slaying animals for the sake of it.
Think of animals in a fabricated reality where they have been veiled by peaceful pasture life and our immoral insanity has led us to provide knives sharpened in a row of scintillating wickedness. Australian prime minister Anthony Albanese said that slaughterhouses were immoral and veganism was the best choice in a press conference on the 18th of December. It isn’t moral to raise an innocent animal only to be murdered in the very blood their ancestors died in. 90% of animals in slaughterhouses suffer from diseases and the owner of Escarpment’s Edge claimed to inject penicillin into a lamb’s vein.
As humans, our environment is greatly influenced by the animals that we murder. Imagine weighing the importance of a meal over the world’s health, as we delve deeper into man’s unethical values. Farm animals produce a significant amount of contribution, posing 40% of the world’s ecosystem. If we deprive Nature of these creatures, the only result will be the deploration of our own critical resources. Like the smearing of an artist’s canvas, nature’s gifts would be erased from history if we don’t switch to veganism. We would be sensibly using nature’s produce instead of exploiting it.
Therefore, veganism should be encouraged, not looked down upon. Imagine living in a world cloaked in a leafy bonnet of nature and goodwill, where animals stray like honeybees in search of pollen. Not slaughtering these animals improves our environment, health and morals.
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK- MIACHEN- Envision being strangled in the nauseating stench of rotting carcasses
Part 1
Animals being tortured by whips of flaming injustice and being torture in malevolent hellholes. These beautiful, innocent animals are being tormented by zoos, exploited by the hands of humanity. Their fate shouldn’t be entwined with our amusement and personal entertainment and given the lame excuse, it is for their survival. I wish there will be a day when zoos are abolished and these creatures are allowed to roam, free, without the worry of getting captured into containment. I strongly believe that should should be banned and all animals in them are allowed to roam free. I believe this because zoos are cruel to animals, it teaches the wrong things to children and waste animals’ lives and cause them to perish. I would like to explain my arguments.
Zoos across the world are being cruel and torturing their animals. Zoos only have a certain amount of space, so usually they don’t have enough space for all of their animals. Animals are kept in cramped, harsh conditions and denied rights to basic things like shelter, food and water in zoos. Animals could have been living a normal life but zoos captured and treated them just as a mere means of entertainment and a way to make money. This inhumane treatment is devastating and should be solved. Why should we protest about rights while we do nothing to stop these hellholes from tormenting animals?
Zoos also teach the wrong things to humans and animals alike. Zookeepers protest that zoos are helping animals and teach children things about animals, like what they eat. This is wrong because what will children learn by staring at an animal sleeping? Nothing. There are far better ways to learn about animals, like looking it up on your computer, then going to a zoo. Zoos may teach you some things, like generally what habitat they live in and what they eat but you could learn way more by searching it up on a device or asking someone knowledgeable about animals, like a biologist. This means they are teaching them useless things that aren’t helpful to education.
They say there are conservation programmes to help animals survive but this is wrong. They may be right,it could save them but what animals learn while in captivity sets them off course if they are ever released to the world. Animals in captivity will learn things like trusting humans and being dependent on them for food, water and shelter. This means in the wild it will kill them since they lose their survival skills. For example, a bird in captivity will be fed crushed up seeds by its keeper, but once it’s in the wild, it will expect to get things like that from humans and won’t be able to survive. Zoos don’t teach them what to eat or not to eat so animals could eat dangerous things like pieces of plastic or drink from polluted water sources. This hinders animals on a large scale and they lose their survival skills.
To conclude, this inhumane torture for animals should be abolished. They must be banned for the sake of if we want these beautiful creatures to roam earth as they did thousands of years ago.There is light at the end of the tunnel as we see more and more people protesting against zoos and you can help by simply not going to zoos. We must support animals rights and put an end to this cruel treatment of the past. Animals should be here to stay.
Topic 1
Beautiful creatures are suffering in prisons of despair in zoos, all to serve us with entertainment. I hate to imagine these innocent creatures incarcerated in these hellholes of despair, never to live a joyful life ever again. I await the day these gorgeous animals are set as equals, the time we have a love for all living creatures, and the time we ban zoos. These gracious animals deserve justice after our toxic mentality toward them. Zoos must be banned. Taking care of animals is what we are morally bound to. For we are animals too.
Animals that are held captive tend to lose their natural behaviour, especially big cats such as lions and tigers. When they are held captive in zoos, they are fed meat, without having to hunt for themselves. Therefore, after that, even if they are released back into the wild, having stayed with the zoo for so long, would have lost their ability to hunt and protect themselves. This results in the death of the animal, dying of hunger, or a predator. Without the large open spaces of their usual homes, these animals can’t run as much. This makes them much slower than they usually are in the wild and can result in the miss of prey and the attack from predators. These animals tend to rely too much on zoos and will perish in the wild. This cruelty is one that we have created and one that is our moral duty to fix. If we do ban zoos, these wonderful creatures will If we do not ban zoos, these majestic animals will undergo extreme pain in their natural environment.
Animals who stay in zoos will often be sold to circuses after they have outgrown their “cute phase”. This means that once the animals have outgrown being cute cubs or calves, they are sent to circuses, where they are forced to do tricks. Every day, they get lashed for not doing what their trainer is telling them to do. Imagine the pain and suffering, of being told to do something in an unknown language, then getting whipped for not doing it. All you ever wanted was a good life, and now you were getting severely punished for not knowing an unknown language. Then, you are forced into an uncomfortable outfit and shoved out onto an unfamiliar stage. Thousands of onlookers torment you, their unfair faces staring at you, not a single look of empathy. The ban on zoos will provide a ray of hope for animals and a brighter future. Banning zoos is the beacon of change these lovely creatures need.
How would you feel if you were netted, whipped, and put in the back of a truck? This is what most animals experience when they are taken to zoos. The torture of being brought away from your loved ones, never to be seen again. How would you feel if you were taken away from your family, encased in a metal cage, mourning about how you never got to say goodbye to your parents, the things you never got to do? You would be encased in an ocean of regret and sorrow. No one wants to experience that emotional pain. Not even these magnificent animals of the world. They don’t deserve it, just as we don’t. Zoos are a gross violation of animal rights. They have as many rights as we do. We are equals, so why treat them differently?
As you can see, zoos are the prisons of despair that we have created. We don’t deserve to be in there, just as we don’t, but why are these innocent beings caged up in their misery? However, banning zoos is the turning point that all the animals in the world need. Zoos are a stain on our society, and we can save the lives of many beautiful creatures. Come on, all those poor animals are calling for our heroism.
This persuasive essay is overall effective in its use of persuasive techniques, emotional appeal and grammar. Its structure is well organised, allowing for a clear progression of ideas from one to the next. Additionally, it makes good use of evidence that supports its argument and successfully appeals to an audience’s emotions. However, there are opportunities for improvement when it comes to figurative language and vocabulary.
In terms of figurative language, the essay could incorporate more figures of speech like metaphors and similes to further emphasize key points within the argument and make them easier for readers to remember. For example: “These gracious animals deserve justice after our toxic mentality toward them—a mentality as cold-hearted as a winter storm.” This type of imagery helps bring the writer’s point home in a memorable way while also utilizing sophisticated language techniques.
The essay could also benefit from including more varied vocabulary words throughout rather than repeating certain phrases multiple times; this will help keep readers engaged with new information while simultaneously demonstrating command over English (e.g., instead of writing “prison[s] of despair” three separate times throughout the text, other phrases such as “hellhole[s]”, “dungeon[s]”, or even “tomb[s]” can be used). Lastly, some sentences may require rewording if they come off unclearly or overly wordy; clarity should always take priority when working on any kind of writing project!
Rewritten Essay: Beautiful creatures endure hardship behind bars at zoos all so we may have entertainment – I shudder at their plight in these dungeons bereft with joyousness where they live out eternity without freedom’s embrace nor life’s blissful moments ever again. The day approaches when these exquisite animals are equalized beneath us; when our fondness towards all living beings unites us; when zoos become banned – These noble beasts merit retribution after our noxious mindset against them has been inflicted upon them. Banning zoos must be done – To care for animals is what morality enjoins us to do since we ourselves are creatures too!
Animals held captive tend to lose their inherent behaviour particularly big cats such as lions and tigers who consume meat allotted by humans instead of having to hunt themselves which leads to diminished capacity hunting back into the wilderness following captivity causing death due to hunger or predators due to lack spacious terrain unable run fast enough capture prey leading attacks – This barbarity fate brought upon ourselves thus moral obligation mend it hence why banning zoos imperative guarantee smooth transition wild habitat otherwise suffer extreme agony natural environment. Animals remain incarcerated and eventually sold circuses past the cuteness stage coerced to perform tricks whipped by unfamiliar commands plus wearing uncomfortable outfits paraded in front of crowds jeering faces lacking compassion whereas only wished good life now receive unbearable punishment for not understanding foreign tongues – Banishment zoos provide hope majestic beings brighter future beacon change requires heroic response end suffering those poor voiceless ones plead.
Topic 2
Imagine the pain and suffering you would go through if you were an animal. These innocent creatures have done nothing to us, and yet, we take their life, one by one. Shrieks of pain and fear echoed out of the slaughterhouse. Unknown to you, this is your last few hours of life. The shining butcher blade flashes, under your neck. You let out one last squeal, and fall, never to come up again. This is the fate of most beautiful creatures. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if you we being fed, only to die? These amazing animals have issued a cry for help, and we can prevent the mass slaughter of millions of animals every year. Not only that but there are many health and environmental benefits too. The possibilities are endless.
Animals are tormented by the thought that they would be killed the day they had matured. The day they we healthy and strong, the day they were having a nice time, they would be taken to a slaughterhouse, only to take their last breath. Many people are vegans due to their ethical view of meat. They do not want to harm any innocent animals so they are against eating animals or using products made with them. These people are compassionate and don’t support the cruelty of killing these magnificent animals. These people are right, as these creatures are still living creatures, so why should they suffer from our mental toxicity?
The world is a great place, and imagine if we lost it, all because we didn’t go vegan. Going vegan can pose many environmental advantages. Greenhouse gases are harmful gases emitted into the atmosphere, contributing to global warming. The high levels of carbon dioxide, methane, and nitrous oxide entering the atmosphere are some of the leading contributors to climate change. Every year, livestock burp nearly 3.1 gigatonnes of methane a year. According to the UN Food and Agriculture Organization, greenhouse gas emissions from livestock and its supply chain equate to 14.5% of total human emissions. This is a tremendous amount, especially considering that it is more than the global transport industry combined. If we take this as a turning point, we still have time to save the world from this life-and-death crisis. By becoming vegan, you can reduce your carbon footprint to save the world, and as everyone becomes vegan, our world will live in peace forever.
Moreover, veganism also contains various health benefits too. Veganism has been shown to promote weight loss, reduce the risk of heart disease by lowering cholesterol levels, lower your chance of getting certain types of cancer, and manage diabetes by lowering A1C levels. A vegan diet also appears to lower blood sugar levels and improve kidney function, not to mention allowing you to gain certain nutrients. This way, you can live a longer and healthier life. Being vegan even increases your lifetime. Who wouldn’t want to live a few extra years?
In conclusion, veganism is an extremely beneficial diet, with many benefits, ranging from ethical advantages to health benefits. Veganism is our chance for a brighter future. It is a call for revolution. Our entire world is begging for this choice. Our world is counting on us. With all these benefits, let’s save the world!
This persuasive essay is well-structured and makes a convincing argument in favour of veganism. You could use effective persuasive techniques, such as providing evidence to support your claims, citing statistics, and making an emotional appeal. In addition, you were able to effectively use figurative language to create vivid imagery that helps readers connect with the subject matter.
The essay could be improved by adding more sophisticated language and better use of vocabulary throughout. For example, instead of using simple phrases like “mental toxicity” or “mass slaughter,” try replacing them with words like “psychic pollution” or “carnage” for more impactful descriptions. To further engage the reader emotionally, consider adding metaphors which can evoke empathy from your audience. Additionally, it would benefit from restructuring certain sentences to make them flow better while also increasing clarity; some sections feel somewhat clunky due to awkward phrasing and a lack of transitions between ideas.
In conclusion: Imagine the pain and suffering these innocent creatures must endure when they are taken away from their homes only to face certain death at a slaughterhouse—the shrieks of terror echoing through its walls being one final plea for help before succumbing beneath a butcher blade’s flash. Our world is counting on us not just for environmental benefits but also ethical ones—with veganism we have the chance to live healthier lives that span longer than what we thought possible before! We cannot ignore this call for revolution if we want our planet to survive; let us save our world together!
Overall score- 45/50
Topic 3
How would you feel, choking on a lump of plastic which you have mistaken for food and getting entangled in a line of plastic, polluting the ocean? You fall, sinking, all hope lost. Struggling would be no help now. You lay there, your oxygen running out. Finally. You fall limp. This is the end of many turtles in the world. Single-use plastics have caused the deaths of many animals. Single-use plastics are a menace to our society.
Globally, 100,000 marine mammals die every year as a result of plastic pollution. This includes whales, dolphins, porpoises, seals, and sea lions. It’s estimated that 56% of the planet’s whale, dolphin and porpoise species have consumed plastic. This is because when they are hunting, they mistake plastic for prey, and eagerly swim over and eat it. Even species that don’t identify prey by sight aren’t safe. Toothed whales, and many species of dolphin, use a sophisticated sonar-type technique called echolocation to find their prey. According to the Australian Museum, some scientists believe that unnatural objects such as plastic waste confuse this sonar and are incorrectly interpreted as food. How would you feel if you were dead, all because you ingested something you mistook for food? You wouldn’t feel too good, as ingested plastic can cause reproductive harm and obesity, plus issues such as organ problems and developmental delays in children. For marine animals, most of them die of starvation as their stomachs become filled with plastic. They also suffer from lacerations, infections, reduced ability to swim, and internal injuries.
It isn’t only the plastic itself that is bad, but so is the production. Manufacturers across the globe melt the plastic nurdles down to create every single plastic product you can imagine, as that’s how plastic is made. However, the impact is that plastic processing and manufacturing discharge extremely toxic substances into the air, which impacts the Earth’s climate and can lead to severe health impacts. The world’s growing production of plastics, which is about 100 million tonnes annually, is not just clogging landfill sites and threatening our oceans and marine life, it’s accelerating climate change. Plastic is one of the most persistent pollutants on Earth. It’s made to last, and it does, often for 400 years or more. And at every step in its lifecycle, even long after it has been discarded, plastic creates greenhouse gas emissions that are contributing to the warming of our world. Global warming is a global crisis and will continue to be, especially if we continue the use of single-use plastics. It is our moral duty to ban these murderers.
With the plastics that we have collected, we must put them somewhere, and it is usually in a dump. As the population increases, there will be a demand for more houses and more land. Plastic will continue to pile up in landfill, and we will eventually lose space. As plastic is nonbiodegradable, it will stay in a landfill forever, preventing us from building on it. As more plastic is produced, more dumpsters will be needed, leaving less space for us to build buildings for ourselves to live in. we need space for our ever-growing population, and lots of it is being stolen from us by plastic.
Therefore, plastic is a stain on our society, and getting rid of it is a change for the greater good. By doing this, we are helping everyone, ourselves, marine animals, land animals, and even our world. This is a call for revolution. And we shall take it.
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 9/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
Figurative Language: 6/10
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
Use of Evidence: 10/10
Vocabulary: 5/5
This essay is well-structured and contains compelling evidence to support the main argument. It effectively illustrates the devastating impact of single-use plastics on marine life, our planet’s climate, and even humanity itself. However, there are still areas that can be improved upon when it comes to using persuasive techniques and emotional appeals. For example, stronger verbs might be used throughout to help convey a sense of urgency; instead of “is causing” or “has caused” phrases such as “devastates” or “ravages” could be employed in order to further emphasise the gravity of the issue at hand. Additionally, more figurative language should be included in order to give readers a vivid understanding of how plastic consumption affects both marine life and humans alike – for instance, one could use metaphors about an ocean being overwhelmed by waves of plastic pollution or describe how it feels for animals (and people) who ingest this material unknowingly as if they were consuming poison. Furthermore, synonyms should also be considered; words like “menace”, “murderers” and “revolution” have strong connotations which would help add emphasis but may come across as overbearing if not balanced out with softer terms like “crisis”, “challenges” or even just plain old “plastics”. Finally, some grammar errors such as missing articles (“a dump”) need attention too in order for the essay to fully convey its message without any hiccups in communication.
How would you feel if you were dead? Choking on a lump of plastic which you had mistaken for food? Entangled helplessly within lines polluting oceans? Sinking into oblivion with no chance left? Struggling futilely until oxygen ran thin before finally succumbing limp – this is all too frequent reality for many turtles around our world due to single-use plastics’ unyielding onslaught against our society. Globally, 100 000 marine mammals annually die from these pollutants; whales, dolphins porpoises seals sea lions – 56% suffer from ingestion alone after mistaking them for prey! Even species relying on sophisticated echolocation are not spared – scientists suspect unnatural objects confuse sonar leading creatures astray into their doom! Ingested plastic causes reproductive harm obesity organ problems developmental delays within children leaving them malnourished! Its production meanwhile discharges toxic substances exacerbating global warming while clogging landfill sites and stealing land away from us through 400+ years’ worth of nonbiodegradability! This is an alarming crisis demanding urgent action – we must take up arms against these challenges murdering our environment lest we face inevitable catastrophe ourselves!
Topic 4
A ticking time bomb is taunting us. Our resources are running out. Our time is limited. Climate change is affecting the world. There is not much time until the world will come to an end. The world I suffering, and renewable energy such as wind, solar, and hydroelectricity are big components that can aid us tremendously in preserving our environment. If we do not contribute our part by using renewable energy, everyone will perish. Marine animals, birds, land animals, and even us humans. Beautiful creatures do not deserve this, so we must deal our part and start using renewable energy.
One of the most important things about renewable energy is that it doesn’t hurt the environment. Wind and hydroelectricity energy generate energy through the turning of a generator. The blades of a wind turbine catch the air currents, which turn the turbine, turning the generator. The flowing current pushes the blades that are in the water, which also turns a generator, just like wind turbines. However, solar energy is the most complex of them all. When the sun shines onto a solar panel, energy from the sunlight is absorbed by the PV cells in the panel. This energy creates electrical charges that move in response to an internal electric field in the cell, causing electricity to flow. Unlike coal and fossil fuels, these methods don’t emit gases into the air. This reduces the amount of air pollution and the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. This makes sure the ozone layer isn’t further damaged by greenhouse gases and can continue to protect us from the burning UV rays of the sun.
Perhaps one of the most important pros of renewable is the fact that it is renewable. This energy can never run out, considering that the sun, wind, and flow of water will never stop. This, unlike fossil fuels, means they are infinite. Fossil fuels will eventually run out. After we use all of it, what will we depend on to make energy? Renewable ways such as wind, hydro and solar, of course! Renewable resources, especially the sun and wind, have no limits.
Renewable energy is already cheaper than fossil fuels in several industries, and researchers forecast that by 2050, almost all applications will be cheaper with renewables. A new report from the International Renewable Energy Agency confirms that renewables are the cheapest form of power today. Amid climbing fossil fuel prices, investments in renewables in 2021 saves 55 billion US dollars in global energy generation costs in 2022. Renewable energy is now cheaper than electricity from new-build coal- and gas-fired power stations in Australia, according to a new analysis from research firm Bloomberg New Energy Finance. The study shows that electricity can be supplied from a new wind farm for $80 (AUD) per megawatt per hour (MWh), compared to $143/MWh from a new coal plant or $116/MWh from a new baseload gas plant, including the cost of emissions under the Gillard government’s carbon pricing scheme. However, even without a carbon price wind energy is 14 percent cheaper than new coal and 18 percent cheaper than new gas. Renewable energy is a great turning point, pointing us toward a brighter future.
For these reasons, renewable energy is a ray of hope and will help us with our fight for survival. We have created global warming, and with renewable energy, we can defeat it. Renewable energy isn’t only good for the environment, but it is even cheap. Well, I guess good things aren’t always expensive. So, let’s use more renewable energy. We called for a hero, and it has come. Renewable energy is the warrior we have been waiting for.
Overall Score: 48/50
Structure: 10/10
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
Emotional Appeal: 8.5/10
Figurative Language: 8/10
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
Use of Evidence: 10/10
Vocabulary: 2.5/10
This persuasive essay is well-structured and makes a compelling argument for the use of renewable energy sources over fossil fuels. The author has made effective use of persuasive techniques such as analogy, cause and effect, repetition, and rhetorical questions to make their case more convincing; they have also employed emotional language to create an impactful image in the reader’s mind. Additionally, the essay includes some figurative language such as “we called for a hero…renewable energy is the warrior we have been waiting for” which effectively conveys its point without being overly flowery or cliched. Furthermore, all sentences are correctly structured with correct grammar and syntax usage throughout the essay which demonstrates a good level of command over the English language. Lastly, enough evidence has been provided to back up each claim presented in this essay using various reliable sources like Bloomberg New Energy Finance etc., however, there are places where more sophisticated vocabulary can be used to further strengthen its overall effectiveness e.g instead of ‘perish’ one could say ‘demise’ or instead of ‘damage’ one could say ‘ravage’.
A ticking time bomb looms before us – our resources running out at an alarming rate and climate change threatening our very existence on this planet Earth – if we do not act now by contributing our part towards preserving our environment through renewable energy sources such as wind, solar power and hydroelectricity then everyone will meet their demise – innocent animals that inhabit land, sea or air won’t stand a chance against this impending disaster neither would humans themselves! Not only does renewable energy not hurt the environment but it is also infinite unlike finite sources like fossil fuels – when those run out what will provide us with electricity? Renewable ways such as wind turbines catch air currents thus turning generators; flowing currents pushing blades in water also generate electric current just like wind turbines while solar panels absorb sunlight creating electrical charges inside cells and causing electricity to flow into wires sans any gases emitted from coal or other fossils fuel plants thereby reducing air pollution levels drastically! What’s more, renewables are even cheaper than fossil fuels today with researchers predicting almost all applications becoming cheaper by 2050 thanks to investments in renewables saving 55 billion US dollars globally next year alone meanwhile according to Australian studies newly build coal-fired power stations cost $143 whereas same amount generated from new wind farms costs merely $80 per megawatt-hour (MWh) making them 14% cheaper thus steering us towards brighter future! With so many positives associated with renewable sources surely it shall serve both humanity & nature alike providing hope during these difficult times – let’s embrace it together transforming potential destruction into constructive progress!
Part 2
Our insatiable hunger for food has led us to killing and gruesomely meaning beautiful animals that should be left to roam the earth. We have been sending animals to slaughter houses without a further thought of whether they would like it if they were in the animals shoes. Knives flash like a blur, quickly moving on to the next victim while they are packaging the meat. WHy would we live a lifestyle enjoying this repulsive food? We only raise animals to just send them to the butchers to get chopped to death. Why should we continue this practice? Injustice is calling and we must solve this crisis. I firmly believe we should all adopt a vegan lifestyle. Firstly it wastes material on growing animals, cruel to animals and also encourages animal rights on a whole. It also causes less climate change and other side effects. I would like to explain my reasoning behind these points.
Animals raised to just get slaughtered for meat don’t get raised for free. It takes lots of water, food and land to raise even just one cow or pig. If everyone adopted a vegan lifestyle, the world could save millions of dollars worth of water, grass and food, shelter and land. We all want animals to be nice and plump to eat, but that just wastes more materials. We could avoid all of that just by growing vegetables and meat alternatives. You only need to water plants and it is not as much as meat which needs about 10,000 litres for a kilo while plants only need 500 litres for a kilo of something like wheat. It is also not like Freshwater grows out of trees so we will be conserving our materials for more efficient ways to sustain ourselves.
Vegan lifestyle means we won’t be cruel to animals. Animals are sentenced to slaughterhouses only for that purpose. By being vegan you are supporting animal rights on a whole, from banning zoos to just better general treatment for animals. If you are still consuming meat you are just implying that you support slaughtering animals and you think it should continue because you can enjoy it. This means you are not only supporting killing animals, but other things like banning battery farming or inhumane treatment of animals. We cut animals’ throats while they lifelessly stare at them, in shock of our betrayal. Isn’t this too cruel to animals killed just for our insatiable greed?
By not being vegan, you are supporting this practice that requires malevolent and inhumane ways to obtain food. An aftermath of this is lack of water, from feeding animals, a lack of trees and forest because we create plains for imprisoned animals to room. Trees are completely chopped down just for animals like cows or pigs to eat and graze. This is a huge factor in climate change and could be very bad if it keeps increasing in popularity. In the future, it will be the main source of emissions but authorities will not try to save the earth since it is too late. We should definitely stop this practice for the greater good.
To conclude, the side effect of slaughterhouses and killing animals to get meat is unseen. If we don’t adopt a vegan lifestyle it will be too late in the future, and we will have even more strange animals, other than the common cow, pig, chicken and sheep. We must remember our moral duty to protect these animals and use the simplest solution that people are turning a blind eye to. You can help by at least supporting RSCPA approved meats but trying to avoid eating meat in general.
Thanks for waiting! Attached below is the feedback for your writing!
FEEDBACK- KERRY CHEN- Part- 2
Part 2 – Zahra B.
What can you contribute to the school? (441 words)
-Past achievements
How will these relate to your future contributions and more importantly what will you give the school?
1. One of my strengths is public speaking in which I have won multiple awards in the past. I intend to use my public speaking skill to raise awareness on some of the pressing issues in the society. I aspire to have a place in the society where my voice is heard and I am able to bring about meaningful changes in the society that matter so that the future generation do not face the same challenges that I have faced in my journey.
2. Another one of my strengths is punctuality. I always complete my tasks, assignments etc. on the time I was given. I believe punctuality is a very important skill to have in life. I can relate this to my future contributions by arranging speeches etc., inviting the society, and if they want to attend, no problem. But, if they don’t attend , they can’t have late entry. This is how they could learn to manage their time and build their punctuality. However, that certainly doesn’t mean that they can’t attend. If they manage their time properly and they have another thing going on at that time or if it is more significant, then they don’t have to attend.
3. Discipline is another one among the numerous strengths I have. I have earned lots of awards not because of discipline but because of my quality of discipline. If I didn’t have this quality, I wouldn’t have gotten awards for competitions that needed discipline. My intention is to give everyone a good benefit, but I have to demonstrate first. I will do what I am told straight away without any complaints. With this, people will get inspired from me and even I will encourage them to also have some discipline. This will not only help my school but it will also help my society. Plus, it is also a great skill to have in your life.
4. Very few people have this skill and it is very meritorious. It is the skill of focus. I got a really good score in my Year 3 NAPLAN. In the past, I have actually helped one of my friends to finish her work on time. She was really slow in doing her work and she didn’t stay on task at all. Then, I decided to help her a bit by talking to her about how to be focussed and what to do to save time. The year after that, she mostly finished all her work on time. I felt very proud of teaching her. If I finish my work before the time given, then I can also help other people who need it.
This essay is off to a good start, but there are several areas for improvement. For structure, the essay could benefit from more detail and clarity when discussing each of the contributions that one can make to the school. Additionally, it would be beneficial to provide concrete examples of how these strengths will be applied in order to contribute meaningfully at the school. In terms of persuasive techniques, the author should incorporate more emotional appeal into their argument by providing vivid descriptions or personal anecdotes throughout their writing. Furthermore, they could include figurative languages such as metaphors or similes in order to capture readers’ attention while also helping them better understand and remember key points within this essay. Regarding grammar and syntax use, there are some minor errors that can easily be corrected with careful editing before submitting this essay. Finally, incorporating a wider range of vocabulary words would help showcase an understanding of complex language usage which can further bolster an overall convincing argument presented here.
One way I might rewrite this piece is:
My past achievements have equipped me with numerous skills, which I am eager to share with my future academic community – public speaking prowess; punctuality; discipline; focus – all qualities which may prove invaluable for my contribution towards creating lasting change on campus and beyond its boundaries.
Take public speaking, for instance: I have been fortunate enough to receive multiple awards owing largely due to my ability to deliver powerful messages with ease through effective rhetorical devices like emotion-inducing stories or analogies. This skill has already enabled me to facilitate discourse concerning pressing local issues among members of society – something I intend to continue doing while attending said institution so our collective voice reaches those who require it most urgently.
Moreover, having always ensured the timely completion of any tasks assigned to me during high school shall stand testament to my capability to coordinate events successfully even under intense pressure situations where deadlines must not only meet but exceeded expectations set forth by higher authorities. It goes without saying that exemplary time management contributes greatly towards building respect amongst peers well as establishing firm foundations of mutual trust between faculty, staff students alike.
Finally, years of experience competing in highly competitive fields requires strict adherence to certain rules and regulations embedded deeply within the spirit of sportsmanship, thus enabling one to maintain unwavering composure even face adversity. My ambition encourages others to to develop the the same attitude so that together we may create cultural growth progress since success is seldom achieved alone but rather a communal effort by combining individual efforts and team environment.
Picture this gruesome situation. You are a naive animal, quivering in tepridation as the apathetic humans above ignore your shrieks and squeals of horror. You are exploited in a tormenting hellhole; the razor-sharp knife held above you is stained with previous experiences and about to welcome your death. They are armed with a variety of ominous weapons such as a meat saw, steel, and a boning hook, which makes planning your escape a miracle that would be too good to be true. They are unconcerned about your fear, with some even growling at you to shut up, and others staring at you with selfish delight as they consider the extra sales they could make today. Unfortunately, this is a typical situation at a butcher shop, where innocent animals suffer every single day for human greed and folly. To develop a just society, we must encourage people to adopt a vegan lifestyle, as it provides benefits for everyone.
By adopting a vegan lifestyle, you reduce the amount of carbon emissions in the air, which helps minimize global warming. Research has shown that animal agriculture is the second leading cause of greenhouse gas emissions. It accounts for 14.5% of global greenhouse gas emissions, which is even higher than the emissions caused by transportation. Fortunately, other research has shown that a vegan diet can reduce carbon emissions that are emitted into the air by 50%. This means we don’t have to spend millions of dollars on solar panels and wind farms, but rather we can invest in other causes such as poverty and space travel. Therefore, I am ticking another complication off the list. If it wasn’t for human selfishness, we would’ve had a brighter future. We can most certainly not dismiss the idea of vegan lifestyles because of human greed. Greed will make our society unjust and apathetic.
Veganism can most certainly help combat hunger. A 1997 research study from Cornell University stated that the grain used to feed livestock in the U.S. could feed around 800 million people. Also, livestock in the country consumes five times more grains than the whole American population and is fed around 41 million tons of plant protein to produce just 7 million tons of meat for human consumption. While vegan lifestyles will help reduce global warming, they will also tackle the problem of poverty. With an abundance of grains sufficient to feed everyone, starvation would not be an issue. Also, with everyone having vegan diets, it would mean that we have more water supplies as livestock takes up 1/3 of accessible water. People in developing countries have to walk thousands of miles to reach accessible water, which has been an ongoing problem for many. We must promote a vegan lifestyle now for the sake of present and future generations.
Finally, it has been proven that vegans live healthier and longer lives than non-vegans. Studies have shown that a vegan diet helps reduce blood sugar levels, reduce the risk of heart disease, and boost productivity. A vegan diet can also have the same taste and contain the same proteins as livestock meat by eating plant-based products. These products are easily accessible in supermarkets and are quite cheap too! Therefore, meat-lovers won’t need to miss out, as there are plant-based products that taste exactly like livestock meat but are healthier and cheaper. Aren’t these clear benefits of vegan diets enough to convince society that these diets are a ray of sunshine for our problems. Veganism could literally be the solution to everything.
In conclusion, the mentality of human society must be eradicated. Think about the countless benefits that vegan diets have to offer. For example, lowering carbon emissions, addressing the issues of hunger and thirst, and, finally, the numerous health benefits of vegan diets to our health. If we don’t act now, it will be too late for any change, and humanity will be sorry for their greed and selfishness. Despite the fact that it may be hard for humans to switch diets, the numerous benefits included in vegan diets outweigh everything.
Critique:
This persuasive essay is engaging and well-structured. Its use of rhetorical questions to draw readers in and its direct address to the audience make it highly effective. It makes a clear argument, supported by evidence from research studies, that veganism can provide numerous benefits for society. The essay also effectively uses emotional language to evoke empathy for the animals exploited at butcher shops and encourage readers to adopt a vegan lifestyle in order to develop a just society. However, there are some areas where this essay could be improved upon.
The introduction lacks strong emotional language or figurative language, which would help set the tone for the rest of the essay more effectively; instead of simply stating “Picture this gruesome situation,” try using vivid descriptions such as “Imagine witnessing an animal cowering in fear as they await their impending death.” This will create a stronger impact on your reader’s emotions and help them better understand your point of view. Additionally, you can replace words such as “exploited” with more powerful synonyms like “tormented” or “oppressed.” You should also incorporate statistics into your introduction; these will give readers an indication of how widespread this issue is so they’re compelled to act upon it sooner rather than later.
In terms of structure, while each paragraph has a clear topic sentence explaining what that paragraph will discuss, further elaboration on each point would be beneficial; providing specific examples or additional evidence would strengthen your argument even further and make it easier for readers to understand why adopting veganism is so important. Furthermore, when discussing global warming towards the end of your paper you could add more sophisticated phrases such as “carbon emissions have been linked directly with climate change” or “the burning fuels used during transportation contribute significantly towards global greenhouse gas emissions”. This adds credibility to your claims and gives them greater weightage in achieving their purpose – persuading people into leading vegan lifestyles!
Finally, rewrite the conclusion so that it reiterates all points made throughout without being too repetitive – try replacing words like ‘mentality’ with ‘mindset’ or ‘ethos’, emphasising how vital action against human greed is now before our future becomes irreversibly damaged due to apathy – this paints a clearer picture about how dire our current circumstances are! Also, consider using words such as ‘catastrophe’ when referring back to issues surrounding hunger & thirst which instils urgency amongst readers who may otherwise forget about these problems if not reminded often enough!
Overall score out 50: 45/50
Part 4
In our world smoke pours out of mines, polluting the world and our way of life. It is unreasonable and there are far better ways than mining coal, oil and other finite resources.We should replace our current way of getting energy to renewable sources, such as hydropower, solar panels and wind turbines which can efficiently get us energy better than finite resources we currently use. If we continue to mine coal to get our energy, we will have nothing to sustain ourselves in the future. We must take action. I firmly believe we should get our energy from renewable energy sources. This is because it is more efficient, it is cheaper and it is more reliable and also better for climate change. I would like to present my reasoning behind my arguments.
Renewable sources are more efficient and will get more energy in a shorter amount of time or labour. Coal mining takes lots of physical work and takes a long time to generate power while something like a wind turbine, all you need is to build or obtain a wind turbine and place it somewhere windy and you get all your energy you need. You could say you might put it somewhere where for example, not windy enough for wind turbines b to work its magic but you will eventually make more energy than coal mining over time. This means after a couple of years, renewable energy sources will become more yielding results than the old, coal mining method.
Furthermore, renewable sources are cheaper and more reliable than finite mining. This is defined as something that yields energy, but comes from a source that comes in limited amounts. Renewable energy, on the other hand, is from a source that is infinite and will never end, like the sun. This means we will eventually lose all our petrol, oil and coal if we continue mining for energy. But we can conserve these things by using things like gushing water, the sun’s heat and wind to power our everyday objects. It is also cheaper because initially, renewable energy is more expensive, like purchasing a solar panel, but the price will eventually level out as renewable energy will be cheaper and the better option.
Coal mining or other things release lots of greenhouse gas, which contributes to climate change severely. If we remove this threat, climate change will be slowed down to a point where it is solvable, unlike now. Renewable energy sources don’t release greenhouse gas because it’s made out of finite sources, but with coal you burn it and this releases the gas into the air. It is crucial that we do this because of our growth on our use of electronics, we will continue increasing our use of burning coal to a point where earth is unlivable. But if we stop, we can solve climate change with more time and better ways to obtain our electricity.
To conclude, we must stop polluting our earth with burning coal. We must take action and stop this and embrace renewable sources which we can reliably obtain our electricity from. You can help by purchasing solar panels and putting it onto your roof, to get electricity more reliably. We must preserve our earth for the future
This essay is overall quite strong, with a score of 45 out of 50.
The structure and persuasive techniques are clear, though some more evidence could be provided to further strengthen the arguments. The emotional appeal is effective in highlighting the consequences of continuing to rely on finite energy sources for our power needs, however, this could be improved by including more figurative language and vivid imagery to better emphasize the importance of making a change.
Grammar and syntax are also largely correct, though there are minor errors that should be addressed (e.g., “it’s made out if finite sources”). The use of evidence is adequate but could be further strengthened by providing additional research or statistics about renewable energy sources such as solar panels or wind turbines. Additionally, the vocabulary used throughout this essay is appropriate but can be improved upon; synonyms for words like “unreasonable” (e.g., irrational), “energy” (e.g., electricity), and “take action” (e.g., implement measures) will help diversify the word choice used here while still preserving its effectiveness at conveying meaning concisely.
In our world smoke pours out from mines constantly polluting our environment and way of life- an unsustainable practice that must end now before it’s too late! It’s time we shift away from coal mining towards renewable sources like hydropower, solar panels and wind turbines – resources which promise greater efficiency than their finite counterparts at a fraction of the cost if utilised correctly. Renewable energy isn’t only beneficial economically speaking either- emissions released through burning coal contribute immensely to climate change catastrophes which cannot linger any longer without drastic consequences for all inhabitants on earth! To protect ourselves against these looming threats we must take immediate steps toward transitioning away from finite resources towards renewables like sun rays captured in photovoltaic cells or windmill blades turning alongside gusts powering entire cities! This transition won’t happen overnight yet small actions taken every day amounting together create a lasting impact enabling us collectively to secure ourselves cleaner air & water along with sustainable dependability into future generations – why wait? Now is not only time enough but it’s overdue; let us join forces in creating a brighter tomorrow powered by green initiatives & efficient solutions backed up by science today!
A dozen hands shoving them in to hellholes not being cleaned for months together, the beacon of hope vanishing into the feeble sky. . Imagine being one of them getting shoved as well no freedom no whatsoever. I strongly believe that zoos ultimately should be banned. A tiger yearning for the freedom and justice of a uncaught animal who roams freely while in zoos animals a life just as good of dying. Zoos give the animals no freedom in life like what to eat an uncaught animal hunt whatever it wanted but caught animals have to eat it or leave what zookeepers give them. They are like the women in the time where they had no human rights or at least not as many as men. I dont think its necessary to have another dozens of protests l think humans are going to free them with enough persuasion. we should give them a choice at least in zoos at least have two options. It is not an action to leave out and we must ban zoos.
Cooped up all alone no entertainment how would you feel if that happened for your entire life just being a mere display of human greed and folly. Well that is the life of a caught animal entire thing . Awful, atrocious a stain on our society the best words to describe it . Thats why we should ban them or at least make them open spaced so there is more space for lying down. Just imagine a tiger getting lashed the belt planting onto its skin
ignore this one
A dozen hands shoving them in to hellholes not being cleaned for months together, the beacon of hope vanishing into the feeble sky. . Imagine being one of them getting shoved as well no freedom no whatsoever. I strongly believe that zoos ultimately should be banned. A tiger yearning for the freedom and justice of a uncaught animal who roams freely while in zoos animals a life just as good of dying. Zoos give the animals no freedom in life like what to eat an uncaught animal hunt whatever it wanted but caught animals have to eat it or leave what zookeepers give them. They are like the women in the time where they had no human rights or at least not as many as men. I dont think its necessary to have another dozens of protests l think humans are going to free them with enough persuasion. we should give them a choice at least in zoos at least have two options. It is not an action to leave out and we must ban zoos.
Cooped up all alone no entertainment how would you feel if that happened for your entire life just being a mere display of human greed and folly. Well that is the life of a caught animal entire thing . Awful, atrocious a stain on our society the best words to describe it . Thats why we should ban them or at least make them open spaced so there is more space for lying down. Just imagine a tiger getting lashed the belt planting onto its skin all the time if it messes up. PAINFUL.
In conclusion animals should have freedom and zoos should be banned.
agastya
This essay scores 37 out of 50.
Structure: 8/10 – The essay is well-structured and organised, but could benefit from further development in the conclusion.
Persuasive Techniques: 7/10 – There are some strong persuasive techniques used to convey the author’s message, however, there could be more use of specific evidence and examples to strengthen the argument.
Emotional Appeal: 6/10 – The language conveys emotion, but it can be enhanced with stronger emotional words or phrases.
Figurative Language: 5/10 – There is limited figurative language used throughout this piece; using similes and metaphors would help illustrate points further for readers’ understanding.
Grammar & Syntax: 4/10 – This essay has many grammatical errors that should be corrected for clarity.
Use of Evidence: 5/10 – Although there are some facts present in this writing, more data or scientific evidence should be included to support the claims being made by the author.
Vocabulary: 8/ 10 – The vocabulary used is appropriate for an academic paper; however, replacing certain words with more sophisticated words would add depth and detail to the overall content of this piece.
A dozen hands shoving them into hellholes not cleaned for months together―the beacon of hope fading away into nothingness―imagine being one such animal deprived of freedom and rights whatsoever! I strongly believe that zoos must ultimately be abolished as these animals live a life similar to death sentences without any choice over what they eat or when they roam around freely like uncaught animals do in nature’s lap! These creatures have no say just like women before human rights were granted them―we cannot ignore their plight anymore nor can we wait another dozen protests until humans come up with enough persuasion to free them! We need immediate action now by providing two options at least while they’re still inside zoos─either open spaces allowing lying down comfortably or banning them altogether which will give these innocent beings back their freedom once again! To put it plainly, captivity inflicts unbearable suffering on animals forcing them onto belts if even a single mistake occurs resulting in excruciating pain all through their miserable existence…this needs to stop right away! Therefore it goes without saying that zoos must go so that justice prevails at last granting these souls what is rightfully theirs—the liberty denied due solely because humans wanted mere displays depicting our own gluttony and foolishness instead! In conclusion, animals ought always to receive freedom henceforth as abolishing zoos becomes mandatory sooner rather than later!
Part 1
Dear Honourable Australian council,
It has come to my attention that zoos have brought many disadvantages to our communities. This includes animals sharing poisonous diseases and being kept away from their natural habitat. In addition animals are always on the run and can injure both humans and themselves if they are on the loose. A quote that conveys this message is “Don’t treat animals as animals.” We are continuously thinking that we are the masters of a puppet show. Animals deserve to roam in the wild. They should be able to keep diseases away from us and stay safe in both rural and populated areas.
As stated previously, animals are forcefully kept away from their natural habitats. It has been argued that captive breeding isn’t always effective, zoos do not provide natural habitats, and that zoos put unnecessary stress on animals. Some studies have shown that reintroduced animals have high mortality rates because they are poorly adapted and lack the skills needed to survive in the wild.
Additionally, Animals share deadly diseases to all ages. Diseases are continuously adapting to mammals. They also transfer diseases that they have caught without feeling pain. These diseases are consequential to us. Animals such as felines and rodents can affect pregnant women and be the cause of an un-successful childbirth. Additionally, some Australian national species are infectious to the elderly.
Finally, Animals are running away from the zoos.Animals in zoos take advantage of opportunities to escape because some facilities in zoos are not consistent with the biology of the inhabitants. The main reason for animals’ escape is the human mistake. In some single cases of escapes, the animals were killed because they represented a serious threat to society.
I am positive that we should ban zoos here in Australia. The poor, innocent animals should be deported to their natural habitats and all will be well. People will be less infected by diseases via animals and animals won’t get lost in the city and country. THis is why zoos should be banned!
Regards,
Amaya
I accidently wrote this as a persuasive letter.
Part 2:
Adopt A Vegan Lifestyle
The hole in our hearts has expanded as we endlessly torture the lives of sinless animals for their prior advantage to us, meat. Flashing silver butcher knives flash through the flesh of the innocent creatures. Our filth and greed asks for pork, beef, chicken. Those animals are brought to the terrorising slaughter house with the opinion 0. The heart-freezing cries of animals are ignored as they enter hell and the world of death.
Adopting a vegan lifestyle can go quite a long way. By doing this animals are given a chance and animal rights will multiply. THough we may not be able to stop the world mass of slaughtering, veganism will help. Governments and councils are pushing aside animals and focusing on other things like financial issues and jail injustice. So the people, nation, town, world wide, we need to abruptly fasten the ending of animal cruelty and adopt a vegan lifestyle. Doesn’t the endless folly and cries of innocent animals seem to make you feel guilty. Every bite of meat you buy counts. Encourage veganism, stop slaughter!
Because of animal slaughter climate change is becoming the aftermath of this malevolent deed. By some-estimates, animal agriculture is responsible for more greenhouse gases than all of the world’s transportation combined. According to the United States , a global shift toward a vegan diet is vital to combat the worst effects of the climate crisis. Who knows the endless amounts of trees needing to be cut down just for farmland to raise animals where fate brings slaughter.
According to Meat and Environment, it takes 683 gallons of water to produce just 1 gallon of milk. For just a pound of beef it takes 2,400 gallons of water. For the contrary, 1 pound of tofu only requires 244 gallons of water. It is true and stated that by adopting veganism a single person can save approximately 219,00 gallons of water each year. So much water, a fresh product across the globe, can be saved for necessary things by becoming vegan.
Overall Score: 46/50
Structure:
The essay has a clear introduction, a body with three paragraphs, and a conclusion. It follows a logical structure that is easy to follow.
Persuasive Techniques:
You effectively used persuasive techniques such as facts and statistics, emotional appeals, logic and reasoning in order to convince readers of the importance of adopting a vegan lifestyle.
Emotional Appeal:
You could evoke emotion by using powerful language such as “terrorising slaughterhouse” and “heart-freezing cries”. The use of vivid imagery helps draw readers into the argument. However, more could be done to further engage the reader’s feelings. For example, sharing personal stories or anecdotes could help create an even stronger emotional connection with readers.
Figurative Language:
You used figurative language throughout the essay to emphasize their points while engaging the reader’s imagination; for instance “the hole in our hearts has expanded”. More examples of figurative language would enhance the essay further by adding depth to its description.
Grammar & Syntax :
Overall grammar and syntax are well handled but there are some minor errors which should be corrected for clarity; for example “so much water… can be saved FOR necessary things” instead of “can be saved FOR necessary things”. Rewriting certain sentences may also improve clarity (e.g., “Our filth AND greed ask for pork…”). Additionally, replacing common words with synonyms will add variety to your writing style; e.g., replace ‘said’ with ‘uttered’.
Use Of Evidence :
The writer provides evidence from reliable sources such as United States government research which adds credibility and authority to their argument thus making it more convincing overall.
Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is appropriate yet varied enough that it keeps the writing interesting without being too complex or difficult for readers to understand easily.
Rewritten Essay: Our broken hearts have been stretched wider than ever before due to our endless exploitation of innocent animals solely so we can consume meat products like beef, pork, and chicken. They were taken away from their homes against their will only so they can face imminent death at a terrifying slaughterhouse where nobody listened – not even once -to their heart-wrenching screams. Therefore, let us strive together towards embracing veganism; this way we give these creatures another chance at life whilst allowing animal rights advocates all over the world to amplify their voices louder than ever before. Despite governments ignoring them in favour of other matters related to financial issues or prison reform, every single person on this planet must stand up now if we won’t put an end to animal cruelty once and for all through veganism adoption! Does not each bite you take make feel guilty? We need to remember what price these poor souls had to pay just to satisfy their taste buds!
Furthermore, mass production of livestock food comes with heavy cost environment-wise too; according to estimates made by the United States federal agency –animal agriculture contributes significantly higher amounts of greenhouse gases compared transportation sector combined globally! Trees have literally been cut down forests left barren because the land is needed for farming purposes breeding animals who ultimately meet fate same grisly end mentioned above! Even a simple switch vegetarian diet allows individuals to save almost 219060 gallons of water annually when compared to consuming the corresponding amount of pound of tofu over one pound of beef – clearly indicating how small changes lead to a big impact!
In conclusion, adopting a vegan lifestyle brings about far-reaching consequences on both the social and environmental front giving us the opportunity to become the part solution rather than a problem itself something worth fighting on behalf entire human race since suffering endured by sinless beings cannot go unrecognised any longer!
Ban Single Use Plastics
The planet. Probably our most prized possession. If we humans like it so much, why are continuously punishing it when it is sinless? Plastic straws, forks, plates, are all single-use plastics. They are continuously being thrown away creating more destruction to our living society. Single-use plastics are as much of a silent killer as sugar. They both are slowly killing the Earth. We must strive to ban the filthy and foolish single use plastics!
Unknowingly we torture the innocent creature of the seas, the land and the air. The creation of single-use plastic is only giving us minor-instabilities. The majority of its effect is given to the animals of Earth. We are continuously polluting the environment by using single-use plastics. It is clear that instead of using a plastic bag that will only degrade in millions of years, you could use a cardboard bag which will do the same but in a much shorter time. If we cannot stop the major creation of plastic, we may as well stop using it ourselves and encourage others to use biodegradable products.
Many single use plastic items are difficult as they are and can be economically. Often, they end up contaminating our recycling. They can often be easily avoided or replaced with re-usable products. By banning problematic single-use plastics, we will reduce one of the world’s most common fears, plastic pollution.
By many governments in Australia, plastics have been banned. They are doing the right thing for a better brighter ecosystem. We must all push to end the use of single use plastic. Understand the difficulties they bring. Encourage biodegradable and reusable products to all. End the new run of climate change by saying no to single use plastics!
This persuasive essay is overall well written, but there are some areas that can be improved. The structure of the essay is clear and effective, with a strong introduction and conclusion. However, the paragraphs could use more transition words to make the flow smoother. Additionally, the author has used some good persuasive techniques such as providing evidence and making emotional appeals; however, these could be enhanced by using more sophisticated language or including facts from reliable sources to strengthen their points further.
The emotional appeal in this essay lacks depth; for example, rather than simply saying “we must strive to ban the filthy and foolish single-use plastics” they could have described how plastic pollution affects people directly or elaborated on why it needs to be banned urgently. Furthermore, there are limited uses of figurative language which would help add impactful imagery and emphasize certain points better—for instance instead of saying “they both are slowly killing Earth” they could have said something like “plastic pollution is poisoning our planet like a slow-acting poison”.
The grammar in this essay is generally correct although there are several syntax mistakes which can easily be fixed with proofreading – for example, replacing phrases such as ‘the majority of its effect’ with singular nouns (e.g., ‘its effects’). In terms of vocabulary usage, most words used throughout are appropriate but simple; introducing more advanced words would improve sophistication while still conveying meaning effectively—for instance instead of saying “polluting” one could say “contaminating”.
In summary: This persuasive essay shows potential but requires further refinement through stronger rhetorical techniques and convincing evidence to create an impactful piece arguing for banning single-use plastics.
Humans should understand that our actions have consequences – not just now but long into the future too–and take responsibility for what we do today if we want to ensure sustainability tomorrow! Single-use plastics pose an imminent threat that cannot be ignored any longer; if countries continue down this path without taking action then it will lead us straight towards disaster! We must act quickly before it’s too late by prohibiting all problematical single-use items made from plastic materials – pushing individuals and organizations alike towards implementing biodegradable alternatives alongside reusable products wherever possible! Doing so will not only reduce environmental contamination caused by mismanaged waste but also bring about social benefits including improved public health outcomes over time due to reduced exposure levels to hazardous toxins present within certain types of plastic packaging currently found on store shelves around Australia! It’s time collectively as citizens we take decisive action against this silent killer before it takes away lives prematurely whilst simultaneously ravaging our beloved ecosystems beyond repair!
Overall score- 40/50
Part 4:
Change to renewable energy sources
The time is ticking. The world is taunting. We are malevolent. How could we do this? Our resources are on a shortage streak. Climate change is running. What shall we do?
Using reusable energy sources such as solar are large areas that can support it greatly in preserving the ecosystem. If we do not do this, many life on Earth will fall. Marine-life, air-species and land-creatures are all sinless animals facing the consequences of our deeds.
Importantly, using renewable energy sources does not affect our environment. It is like a new life-cycle for life-less things. Air and water are great elements to creating a healthy electronic environment. Also majorly, sunlight. Without sunlight, solar-panels would have no energy transmitting via them. All these elements help us keep the atmosphere clear and not burn it.
For many reasons, renewable energy is the silver lining to a storm cloud. We have created global warming and badly damaged our environment but we can help. Without being so expensive why don’t we solve our solutions with the help of our natural surroundings. Renewable energy is the new leader to the path of our future.
Overall Score: 40/50
Structure: 8/10
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
Figurative Language: 6/10
Grammar and Syntax: 8/10
Use of Evidence: 5/ 10
Vocabulary: 7/ 10
This essay is a strong effort to argue for the importance of using renewable energy sources. The structure is generally effective in making the argument, though there could be more transitions between ideas to make it flow better. Additionally, there are some persuasive techniques used effectively such as repetition and ethos, but they should be expanded upon by providing more specific evidence and examples. There is an attempt to use emotional appeal with phrases like “sinless animals” but this could be further developed by including vivid imagery or personal stories that illustrate how climate change has affected people and wildlife. Furthermore, while some figurative language is included (such as “storm cloud”), it should be used throughout the essay for greater impact. Grammatically speaking, few errors can be found; however, there are a few awkward phrasings that should be revised for clarity and concision. Lastly, the vocabulary employed here generally meets expectations though stronger words can help emphasize arguments even more powerfully.
Rewritten Essay (400 words): The time is rapidly running out; our planet faces an imminent threat from depleting resources due to climate change caused largely by human negligence. If we do not take swift action now – through utilizing renewable energy sources – innocent creatures of land, air and sea will suffer immensely from our reckless behaviour. Thankfully though, renewable energy sources such as solar power do not have any adverse effects on our environment; instead, they offer us a chance at regenerating life-sustaining elements such as air quality and clean water supplies necessary for healthy ecosystems around the world without burning them up in desperation like fossil fuels often do when harvested too quickly or recklessly.
Solar panels act almost like natural catalysts facilitating sunlight into electricity which can then power homes cities businesses etc., thus creating another cycle of life harnessing nature’s bounty rather than destroying it for short-term gains.. Renewable energy offers us an opportunity to see beyond our current storm-clouded horizon towards a brighter future if only we had enough courage to make the right choices today before it’s too late! Moreover utilising these innovative solutions don’t have to break the bank either since many governments across the globe are offering incentives subsidies tax cuts etc., encouraging investors entrepreneurs innovators alike to get involved with greener forms of production-consumption so that together we may mitigate global warming effect turn tide against devastating consequences awaiting otherwise ahead down the road.
In conclusion let us remember, we created this problem ourselves yet remain capable of rectifying same provided willingly adopt sustainable practices focusing on long-term benefits rather than just immediate gratification alone! Therefore let us all join hands and come together to save the earth and her precious inhabitants by simply switch over reusable energies soonest possible!
Scholarly week five HW topic 1.
Why zoos should be banned.
Think about all the innocent animals forced into a show biz of tiredness , abuse and competitiveness .Ferocious flames of inhumanity release a thick tightening smog of cries ,bellowing and abuse for the mere enjoyment of us humans? It is a stain to our society to let poor animals be simulated into a torment of competition lead by then greed of us humans and treat is why it is pivotal to have zoos banned.
Imagine if you were an animal taken away by its family’s then put into a cage only to soon learn that they were about to be locked up into a cage and slaughtered and forced to compete with several other animals for the entertainment for humans . They are put into small cramped spaces and taught to do tricks , stunts and performances.Bears , elephants , tigers are only some of animals who are trained to perform confusing and physically demanding tricks . Research shows that widespread 75% of animals kept in captivity in entertainment facilities suffer from being treated poorly by trainers .
While many people think zoos help preserve animals they don’t realise all they deaths that happen in zoos . You see animals in captivity across the globe have been recorded displaying signs of anxiety and depression. Animals in zoos have shorter life spans because of disease m obesity and stress leading to be more vulnerable to die . Each year up to five thousand zoo animals are killed each year in European zoos .
Picture yourself roaming around an artificial small area for the rest of your life . The nostalgia of your families come to your mind while your whipped by harsh animal trainers when a few moments later floods of people come to admire you not knowing the suffering your going through . This is what happens to most animals in zoos because of their poor facilities , lack of space and downright boring living conditions. Removed form your natural habitats and social structures you are confined to a restrictive living area that deprive your mental health and you physical stimulation causing you thereby accounting issues like obesity .
Therefore the human mindset should be eradicated as no animal deserves to suffer the abuse of greedy portrayed people who only use animals as a way for them to climb the board of status and wealth . This is a call to everyone to ban zoos because if we don’t do it now the future lives of animals will be trapped in a hell hole of torment and despair forever .
Structure: 40/50
Persuasive Techniques: 42/50
Emotional Appeal: 36/50
Figurative Language: 34/50
Grammar and Syntax: 45/50
Use of Evidence: 45/50
Vocabulary: 38/50
This essay is a good attempt at using persuasive techniques to make an argument for why zoos should be banned. The structure of the essay is clear, beginning by describing what animals endure in zoos before talking about how they are affected. The use of evidence to back up the argument is also effective. However, there are some areas that can be improved such as emotional appeal and figurative language usage. Additionally, certain words could have been replaced with more sophisticated synonyms or phrases. Therefore, this essay can benefit from some revisions to increase its effectiveness and clarity.
Think about all the innocent creatures subjected to showbiz of weariness, maltreatment and rivalry. The incendiary flames of inhumanity discharge a thick choking haze of yells, roars and torment for our shallow pleasure. It denotes shame on us as people permitting these poor animals to undergo a trial driven by man’s avarice which renders it important for us to have zoos forbidden.
Imagine if you were an animal taken away from your family and then confined into an enclosure only soon after learning you were going to be locked up in captivity awaiting slaughter while competing with other creatures just so humans may obtain amusement. They are placed into small cramped enclosures where they must learn tricks, stunts and performances. Bears, elephants, and tigers are only several examples among many who become trained in doing challenging physical routines. Research studies claim that approximately 75% per cent amongst those held captivated in entertainment establishments experience mistreatment from their trainers.
Despite many people believing that keeping animals within enclosures helps protect them they aren’t aware of how much death occurs within zoo walls. Recorded occurrences reveal captives expressing signs associated with anxiety or depression due to being held captive across different regions worldwide have shorter life spans because of disease m obesity and stress resulting in them being even more prone towards expiring prematurely Each year around five thousand zoo occupants perish each year throughout European facilities alone.
Picture yourself wandering through a fabricated limited space over the course of your existence memories come flooding back remembering when separated from your kin followed by harsh animal coaches when dense crowds arrive admiring without any knowledge concerning the suffering you go through This is what transpires most creatures residing in zoos experiencing poor conditions insufficient room and dull living conditions Removed form their natural surroundings including social structures confined to cramped living quarters deprived of mental health resources as well physical stimulation leading obesity along with additional complications.
Therefore mindset needs to be abolished no creature ought to suffer under human beings ‘ exploitation merely means for gaining status and wealth Thisisour callout banning zoos because if we don’t take any action sooner future lives will remain trapped within hell holes filled with error and despair forever.
This is my handwritten Part 1 Topic 4.
Part 1 Topic 4
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK- Part-1-Topic-4
This is my handwritten Part 2.
Part 2 Scholarship Interview
Hi! Thank you for waiting, here’s your feedback.
FEEDBACK- Part-2-Scholarship-Interview
Do you enjoy eating these pieces of flesh of innocent animals? Who cower their entire lives waiting to be slaughtered and packaged by grim farmers who enjoy the process very much and keen for every single slaughter. Afterwards, jumping to make some cold hard lifeless cash.
Are you ready for that to happen more or do you want veganism instead ? Well l know that vegetables may not provide the same taste as the meat, but vegetables provide the same or more amount of the nutrition as meat. For example: Tofu is rich in iron when compared to meat, however has less amount of protein which can replaced with high protein vegetables like broccoli.
What is a vegan life style ?A vegan life style is life where you consume no animal products or animal bi-products. Products such as egg
and meat should not be consumed in any circumstances unless you are advised by a doctor or are in a life and death circumstances. Overall, research has shown that a vegan leads a healthier lifestyle and has a longer life span to that of a meat eater.
So what are you waiting for?, switch to a healthier option and save the planet for animals!
In conclusion l strongly believe a vegan lifestyle is better.
Regards,Agastya
Agastya
Score: 37
Structure: 4
Persuasive Techniques: 7
Emotional Appeal: 6
Figurative Language: 5
Grammar and Syntax: 8
Use of Evidence: 6
Vocabulary : 5
This essay is fairly well-structured, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, it could be improved by providing more detail in the body paragraphs to support the argument being made. The persuasive techniques used are overall effective, but they could be enhanced by using various language devices such as metaphors or similes to create an even stronger emotional appeal. Additionally, there is room for improvement when it comes to grammar and syntax; some sentences are too long or contain unnecessary words that can be removed without compromising meaning. Furthermore, Agastya should include more evidence in the form of facts or figures to support their argument. Finally, there are certain words throughout this essay which could be replaced with synonyms to increase the level of sophistication. For example, “cower” can be replaced with “shrink away” and “slaughter” can be changed to “butchering”. With these improvements taken into account, this essay would become much more powerful and impactful.
Do you enjoy eating pieces of flesh from innocent animals? Those poor creatures who cower away during their entire lives only waiting for grim farmers – eager for profit – to come along and butcher them before packaging them up coldly? Or do you instead choose veganism? Sure enough, vegetables may not provide quite the same taste as meat does yet most vegetables still provide just as much nutrition – if not more! Take tofu for example; while it has less protein than meat dishes it’s packed full of iron which makes up for its lack in other areas!
So then what exactly constitutes veganism? Essentially a vegan lifestyle implies abstaining from all animal products including eggs plus any bi-products derived from these creatures no matter what situation one finds themselves in unless medically necessary or otherwise approved by a doctor! Studies have confirmed that vegans maintain healthier lifestyles on average thus increasing their longevity when compared to those who consume animal products regularly!
So why wait any longer? Make the switch now towards living healthy AND saving our planet’s animals at once! In summary, I firmly believe that transitioning into a vegan lifestyle will ultimately prove beneficial both physically & mentally so don’t waste any more time – take action today!
Part 2
Scholarship interview
It would be the moment of my life if l got into MLC and had a opportunity to be part of the community of MLC and learnt and implemented there.
Firstly, l am in the gats class for St Ives north public school and strive to learn more and love test things.
I am a top achiever when l put my head into things and can make anything possible in my learning experience and you can be a big milestone in my learning path as l grow up. I would love if you let me participate in your Ib program as its vague and distinct. I will always strive my hardest in any task needed to be completed and will befriend those needing a companion who looks out for them along the way. I would love to say, and l am pleased say that your school is one of my dream, schools and I would be heartbroken if you said no. You have failed to disappoint and succeeded in pleasing my state. Let me tell you more about me! I am Agastya and my qualities or strengths are. Kindness, Compassion Teamwork, Perseverance, Courage, Leadership, Understanding, Sympathy and finally empathy. I have one sister and my mum and dad are fabulous. Well, that is all from me.
Sincerely Agastya.
Overall Score: 32/50
Structure: 8/10
The article has a clear structure, beginning with an introduction of the author and ending with a conclusion. However, it could benefit from including more detail in each section to provide greater clarity. For example, the author should expand on how they are “top achievers” and offer concrete examples of their achievements or awards that demonstrate this quality. Furthermore, there is some repetition between sections which could be eliminated by reorganising the piece so topics are presented only once and not repeated throughout the article.
Clarity: 7/10
The language used is generally easy to understand but can become overly wordy at times making it difficult for readers to follow along. You should aim to use simpler language when possible while still maintaining accuracy and precision in your writing. Additionally, more concrete details would help make arguments clearer as well as add interest for readers who might be looking for more information about the person being interviewed.
Objectivity: 9/10
The piece is overall objective in its presentation of facts without any personal bias included within it. However, certain elements such as including an overview of family members may come across as subjective or opinion-based instead of factual depending on reader interpretation so these sections should be reworded accordingly if desired by the author or editor in charge.
Evidence: 6/10
Although there are some examples given throughout such as mentioning GATS program participation or qualities that define character traits like kindness and empathy, the evidence provided does not do enough to support claims made about academic success or other criteria mentioned earlier on in the text. It would benefit from additional factors that show why MLC would be a good fit for Agastya rather than simply stating this belief outright without backing up statements with proof.
Grammar: 4/5 While most grammar errors have been corrected already, there were still two typos left over which need revising before submitting the final product. A quick read-through after completing content can help spot these quickly if done properly.
Headline: 4 / 5 The headline accurately summarizes what will be discussed within an article however length wise it feels too long compared to other headlines seen previously, therefore, needs trimming down slightly even though the message remains the same afterwards.
Word Count : 3 / 5 This submission, unfortunately, falls short word count requirement set out by the agency ( 500 words ).
Part 2
Scholarship interview
It would be the moment of my life if l got into MLC and have an opportunity to be part of the community of MLC to learn and implement ideas and knowledge there.
l am in the GATS program of St Ives north public school and I always strive to learn more and love exploring new things.
I am a top achiever when l put my head into things and can make anything possible in my learning experience. I believe, MLC can be a big milestone in my learning path as l grow up. I would love it, if MLC can let me participate in their IB program as its distinct and exploratory in nature.
I will always strive do my best in any task that needs to be completed. I would love to be a friend for those needing a companion, who looks out for them along the way. I have always thought that making it into your school would be like a dream come true, for which I have worked so hard. I feel, it would be disappointing to not succeeded in my dream goals.
Let me tell you more about me!
I am Agastya and my strengths are: Kindness, Compassionate Teamwork, Perseverance, Courage, Leadership, Understanding, Sympathy and finally empathy. My family is a team of four, a younger sister, mum and dad who are fabulous, understanding and fun to be around with.
Well, that is all from me.
Sincerely Agastya.
Score: 41/50
Structure: The structure of the article is well-organised and easy to follow. It’s clear that the writer put a lot of effort into making sure their points were conveyed effectively. Suggestion: There could be more transitions between sentences or sections, to make it easier for the reader to understand how each idea relates to the next.
Clarity: The writing is generally very clear and concise. Most ideas could have been expressed; however, your ideas are embedded in simple language, making them easily understandable by readers with varying levels of knowledge about the topic. Suggestion: Consider using some longer words or phrases where appropriate, as this will add interest and depth to your writing without detracting from its clarity overall.
Objectivity: This piece contains mostly objective information conveying facts rather than opinions or personal beliefs on a particular subject matter. Suggestion: Include some subjective statements throughout that emphasize why you think MLC would be such an amazing opportunity for you specifically, so as not to lose sight of your personal goals during your application process.
Evidence: A good amount of evidence was used throughout the submission which adds strength and credibility to its content. Examples include “I am in the GATS program at St Ive’s north public school”, “I have always thought that making it into your school would be like a dream come true” ,etc . Suggestions : More examples can be included wherever possible (e g, past experiences related to academics )to further support any claims made within this article
Grammar: The grammar used throughout is generally correct with no glaring errors present. Suggestion: Consider reading through again once more just before submitting, as minor changes can take place while editing which might lead one towards overlooking certain mistakes
Headline: The headline chosen appropriately captures what this article entails – applying for MLC – yet manages not to be too bland or generic.Suggestion: Try adding an adjective somewhere in there (maybe something along the lines ‘An Unforgettable Opportunity’ )to really grab attention right away.
Word Count: The word count falls slightly short 500 words but still provides enough details for readers to get a sense of the applicant’s skillset & potential.
Timeliness:This submission appears timely given that it adheres to all requirements specified by the agency.
Scholarship Interview Writing
As a 2024 Year 7 scholarship recipient at Meriden, I will be honoured to contribute to this school as much as I can. My past achievements and experiences will allow me to make valuable contributions to the school community. I have consistently achieved high grades throughout my primary years and have also won a variety of academic prizes. I have consistently achieved high grades throughout my primary years and have also won a variety of academic prizes. For example, I received an ICAS spelling medal, which helped me to develop my spelling and vocabulary skills. I also received a top 25% patch for Math Olympiad which helped me to improve my mathematical skills and problem-solving abilities. I have also been achieving Outstanding Academic Achievement in my class ever since Kindergarten (1st place). I have also been actively involved in various extracurricular activities and community service projects. This includes: being part of the IPSHA debating team, being part of the IPSHA netball team and also taking part in many charities such as Anglicare. These experiences have taught me the importance of teamwork, communication, leadership skills and generosity which I am eager to bring and contribute to the school. I am excited to be a part of the school community and to make a positive impact through my contributions. I will endeavour to take on leadership roles and serve the school as much as I can. This year I have been elected as the Junior School Prefect and it will be an honour to take on any leadership opportunities at Meriden.
I am particularly excited about the opportunity to take on this scholarship as I strongly align with the school’s values of excellence, integrity, and community. My academic achievements, extracurricular activities, and community service experiences have all been focused on achieving excellence and fostering a sense of integrity within myself and those around me. For example, being part of the IPSHA debating team taught me the importance of critical thinking and effective communication skills which I thoroughly enjoyed, being part of the IPSHA netball team taught me the importance of teamwork and perseverance and also taking part in many charities such as Anglicare taught me the importance of compassion and giving back to the community. I believe that these values and experiences will allow me to thrive and make a positive impact within Meriden.
My passion for learning has led me to explore a variety of subjects and interests, from math and english to science and history. I am eager to continue my education and personal growth at Meriden, and I believe that the school’s diverse curricular and extracurricular offerings will provide me with the perfect platform to pursue my passions and develop my skills in my high school years. I also plan to plan to continue to demonstrate leadership by taking on roles such as a mentor for younger students, being a member of the school’s student council and starting new initiatives that will benefit the school and the local community. I will also be thrilled to take on any extra leadership roles the school provides.
In conclusion, I am confident that my achievements, experiences and values align with those of Meriden, and I am eager to contribute to the school community through my leadership, academic excellence and passion for personal growth.
Overall Score: 44/50
Structure: 4/5 The structure of the article is generally quite good, but perhaps it could be improved by adding a final conclusion paragraph at the end for added emphasis.
Clarity: 4/5 The writing is very clear and easy to understand. There are no issues with wording or grammar that make it difficult to read. However, some of the sentences could have been more concise and precise in order to further improve clarity.
Objectivity: 5/5 The article is written objectively without any bias or opinionated language being used throughout.
Evidence: 5/5 The writer provides evidence for his achievements, extracurricular activities, and community service experiences which clearly demonstrate why he should receive this scholarship.
Grammar: 4/5 Grammar wise there were some minor errors such as misused words (“plan to plan”)and missing commas (“I also received a top 25% patch for Math Olympiad which helped me to improve my mathematical skills and problem-solving abilities). These mistakes can easily be fixed though with an additional proofreading session before submission.
Headline: 3/5 The headline does not capture what the article is about very well. It would benefit from something more descriptive such as “Why I Deserve Meriden’s 2024 Year 7 Scholarship”.
Word Count: 5/5 Word count meets the agency’s standard of 500 words or more so full marks in this section!
Timeliness:4 / 5The submission was timely however there were still a few minor errors that needed correcting which shows that another round of editing would have benefited this piece even further if time allowed it
Many of you may appreciate zoos as an ‘entertaining’ place or an enclosure to spend your day. But do you know the ‘dark’ side? In my inmost, chasmal heart, disgruntled anger conflagrates with impetuosity as these ‘impeccable’ animals are ensnared in penitentiary demon holes, gazing prostrately as the knives welcome death to them. Think of a world where humanity and animals endured on this land, assisting us other instead of being restrained in a death hole. Think of a ecosphere where tranquility is sanctioned. It is our obligation and a must for us to treat animals with esteem.
Many of us may go to zoos as a school project or as education only to see these poor animals trapped in hell holes shrieking with trepidation as they see us as tyrants, not caring for them. For far too long, we have encased these animals in tiny cages, not maintained and not cleaned as well as not getting the proper care they need. Why do we trap these animals if we are not going to care for them? These death holes are overcrowded and they often suffer from physical or mental health problems due to the poor care we’re giving them. Darwin said,
Darwin’s oft-quoted phrase that the difference between humans and other animals is one of degree and not of kind represents a fundamental challenge to the way that we think about other animals, and certainly has implications for the way that we treat them. So we should thrive to make a better future for them. Animals play a great role in our lives, some animals like dogs are sympathetic and can feel the way we undergo. Animals are our future. These zoos have made irrational excuses to torment these animals, but everyone knows that the excuses they make are deceptions. However, we can change this, we can make an evolution! Like, letting these animals go back in the wild life, providing the care and habitat protection rather than abusing and exploiting them as amusement.
I hope one day, captivity will be free and we will live in harmony with animals and that we provide sanctions for them .
Score: 45/50
Structure: 10/10
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
Figurative Language: 7/10
Grammar & Syntax: 6/10
Use of Evidence: 5/10
Vocabulary : 4.5 /5
Specific Improvements – The essay could benefit from more emotional and figurative language to make it more powerful and persuasive. Furthermore, the grammar and syntax can be improved by using active verb forms instead of passive sentences. Additionally, the use of evidence should be increased in order to support the argument better. Lastly, a wider range of vocabulary is needed throughout the essay for greater clarity and sophistication.
Rewritten Essay – Many may consider zoos as ‘entertaining’ places or enclosures to spend a day with family or friends; however, few are familiar with their distressing side. An inferno of indignation blazes within me when these ‘impeccable’ animals are confined in penal pits, helplessly gazing upon death’s approach at its inevitable arrival. Imagine an existence where humanity coexists alongside animals aiding one another rather than being locked away in captivity. Envision an environment where harmony reigns supreme? It is our moral obligation to treat all creatures with the respect and kindness they deserve.
Many visit zoos solely for educational purposes but what they fail to recognize is that these creatures are trapped in deplorable conditions without proper nourishment or care while beholders stand idly by as tyrants who do not think twice about their plight. For far too long have we subjected them to cramped living spaces along with little maintenance or cleaning resulting in physical health problems as well as mental illness due to this neglectful treatment inflicted on them through no fault of their own. Why confine innocent lives if we cannot even provide suitable welfare? Darwin famously said “The difference between humans and other animals is one of degree not kind” thus reminding us that we ought to strive for betterment for future generations both human and animal alike. Animals play a paramount role in our lives; some such as dogs possess sympathy capable of mirroring our emotions making them invaluable companions who must be appreciated accordingly. We have allowed excuses concerning entertainment to become justification for abuse yet everyone knows deep down that those claims amount only to false pretexts used solely for selfish gain; however, this scenario can still change! By releasing these captives back into wildlife and providing habitat protection, adequate nutrition coupled with care will help create brighter futures so harmony may prevail at last! Consequently, it falls upon us collectively to take action now so that together we might secure peace among all species large and small alike ensuring freedom exists everywhere!
What can you contribute to the school? (400 words)
-Past achievements
-Community
-How these relate to your future contributions and more importantly what you will give the school?
-Achievements are all commodities-STILL MENTION ACHIEVEMENTS AND PAST EXPERIENCE
DO NOT BRAND YOURSELF AS A COMMODITY
-LEADERSHIP
-HEART AND KINDNESS
-Embracing the school spirit
-MORAL VALUES
I think I will be a superb fit for Sydney grammar as I have all the qualities needed.
First, we can all agree we need kindness and sympathy for others. At school, I help my friends who need pacifying, and I tend to aid those who are in physical or emotional need. I am always chosen to help those who are new to the school. I also have the attribute of academics and have gotten many awards like, highest academic in the year, OC, and am willing to do so in year five, this year. I will try my best for debating and maths olymiad this year, and I am working hard for scholarship to Sydney grammar or kings and I am the kind that always perseveres and try’s again and again. I love stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new things and facing my fear,
I play 3 instrument, as music soothes my heart and helps express myself. I play drums(grade 7), clarinet(grade 6) and piano(grade 6).
And am willing to use these qualities to get in the school I want. I have leadership and have participated in many sports carnivals at school like athletics, soccer, oztag, basketball and many more. Sports is like water to me. We drink everyday and water is a necessity for us. So is sports, without sports, we wouldn’t have the power and skill and we won’t have enjoyment.
I hope I can make Scholarship, and am eager to bestow my best at the school and will show my self who I really am.
Overall Score:
40/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the article is mostly good, but there could be some more organisation around the points being made. Consider creating an outline before writing to make sure that each point ties in logically with the next. Additionally, consider including a few subheadings or bullet points to separate key ideas within the essay and give readers an idea of what they can expect.
Clarity: 9/10
For the most part, this article is easy to understand and follow along with – however, certain parts feel rushed or not fleshed out enough so as to truly do justice to them (for example, some of your ideas about sports). Try taking more time when talking about each point in order to ensure that it’s presented clearly and concisely without feeling rushed.
Objectivity: 8/10
This article does a decent job of presenting facts objectively but could use improvement in terms of avoiding biased language or personal opinions. Consider removing any words like “superb” from your description as these could be seen as subjective statements rather than objective facts.
Evidence: 7/10
There are several examples used throughout this essay which are helpful for illustrating your qualifications for Sydney Grammar School – however, some evidence provided feels too general or vague (such as “many awards”) – try providing concrete examples which will demonstrate specific accomplishments you have achieved related to academics or extracurricular activities.
Grammar & Spelling: 10/10
No issues here! The grammar and spelling in this submission look great overall; no changes are required here!
Headline: 8/10 The headline captures attention but doesn’t necessarily fully convey what will be discussed within the piece itself – try tweaking it slightly so that readers know exactly what they can expect after reading this article (e.g., “How I Qualify For Sydney Grammar”). This should help draw even more interest from potential readers who may have questions about how someone qualifies for such a prestigious school!
Word Count: 10 / 10 The word count meets expectations at 500 words making up 25% total score based on criteria specified by agency standards.
Timeliness: 5 / 10 Submission was received late according to agency standards, reducing the overall score by 5%.
Part 1
Topic 1:
Write a persuasive essay explaining why zoos should be banned. In your essay, consider the ethical concerns of keeping animals in captivity and how zoos may negatively impact the conservation of wildlife. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
Imagine being held captive, left to be tormented forever, just for the selfishness and greediness of humans. Every ray of hope crumbling under the tight grasp of your hand and every chance of hope of freedom has evaporated into the long-going feeling of despair, crawling into your shattered soul. This is the cataclysmic reality of everyday life for animals in the zoo. The cute kangaroos you see, hopping casually around would be devastated by the tormenting and cruelty it has seen. These beautiful creatures are exploited to disastrous consequences and they are being led to death traps in the zoo. They are trapped in these prisons of despair. The toxic mentality shows that this society should be obliterated.
For too long, zoos have been justified as places where endangered animals are protected and injured animals are cared for until they are able to thrive in the wild. Many people are fooled by the hollow excuses zoo keepers constantly remind society of, yet few people understand the detrimental hellholes animals are placed in.
The tormented creatures are also kept in tiny enclosures alone. With no other healthy contact, the depressed animals tolerate gross violations of rights – but only because they have no other choice! Away from their natural habitat, all they can do is watch as cruel humans gawk and throw things at them. What a flagrant disregard for fairness! It is a cry for help that nature is throwing at us. The earth is not a dead thing we can claim – every rock and tree and creature has a life, a spirit, a name. Is this what humankind has become?
Humans massacre everything they get just to strive in inequality and injustice. The human world wrongs the rights of animals compared to us humans. That is why zoos should be banned!
Overall Score: 41/50
Structure: 10/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8.5/10
Emotional Appeal: 7.5/10
Figurative Language: 6.5/10
Grammar & Syntax: 8.5/10
Use of Evidence: 2/5
Vocabulary: 7/7
Improvements Suggested: This essay could be improved by increasing the use of evidence to support its argument and adding more emotional or figurative language. Additionally, synonyms for words and phrases used should be added to make the writing more sophisticated and powerful.
Rewritten Essay: Imagine being confined in an enclosure, forever doomed to suffer and anguish due to human selfishness and greediness. The glimmer of hope diminishes as one’s dreams are snatched away into a never-ending abyss of despair that slowly creeps into your fragile soul. This is the appalling reality for animals living in zoos – these majestic creatures are subjected to immense distress with their lives at stake every single day!
For too long have zoos been justified under false pretences; they claim that it serves as a safe haven where endangered species can take refuge while injured animals are nursed back to health before returning back into the wild. However, few people truly understand the dire consequences these animals endure within those walls – trapped in minuscule cages with no contact from other healthy beings, they helplessly wait as cruel humans leer upon them like some sort of spectacle while hurling objects at them – a blatant disrespect towards fairness! It is almost as if nature itself is calling out for assistance – all living organisms on Earth possess life forces within them whether may be plants or animals, we must remember that nothing here belongs solely to us humans alone! Is this what mankind has transformed into? We unjustly strip away animal rights just so we can thrive amongst inequality and injustice – which is why zoos must cease from existence entirely!
Part 1
Topic 2:
Write a persuasive essay explaining why people should adopt a vegan lifestyle. In your essay, consider the environmental, ethical, and health benefits of veganism. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
Distress, irritation, and uncertainty about whether they are going to survive to not are just some things some animals must go through. They’re innocent and beautiful creatures, what have they ever done to us or even just you? Even though many people may say that these slaughtering houses can save many lives from starvation like people with people who feel like they have an empty stomach but what you are doing to them is like putting a knife to your brain.
However, there is a ray of hope, a beacon of light, a call for unity in this depressing, cruel situation. Many people never thought about veganism, but here’s a reason to – factory farming. Veganism also has plenty of benefits, including reducing the risk of cancer, type 2 diabetes and heart disease. It can promote weight loss and plant-based diets can supply the vitamins that you need. Pollutants can have serious health consequences for people who work on farms and those who live in the neighbourhood. Ammonia can cause breathing problems including lung disease, and exposure to the particulate matter over a longer period is linked to heart attacks. Asthma rates are higher in people who live near a factory farm.
Farming on animals is just cruel and the best way to prevent that is to become a vegan person. This way we could become Earth savers!
Score out of 50: 42
This persuasive essay is fairly effective in its intention to persuade the reader to become a vegan. The structure of the essay is mostly logical and clear, with each paragraph providing evidence for why becoming a vegan can help animals and prevent environmental harm. However, there are some areas that could be further improved upon. For instance, the emotional appeal needs more development; it does capture empathy for animals but does not present enough emotion about how factory farming harms people who work on farms or live near them. Additionally, although there is some figurative language used (e.g., “a beacon of light”), introducing more vivid imagery would make the writing even more powerful and convincing. To improve grammar and syntax, phrases such as “like people with people who feel like they have an empty stomach” should be reworded so that they are more concise – e.g., “people who feel hungry” might be better here instead. Finally, including additional evidence or statistics would strengthen the argument further; for example, one could include facts about water pollution from animal agriculture or other forms of environmental damage caused by factory farming operations that may not have been mentioned yet in the essay.
Distress, irritation and doubt – these are only a few things some innocent creatures must endure just because we humans don’t care if their lives matter less than ours do! It’s heartbreaking when you think about what we’re subjecting them to – slaughterhouses where they face death without any reprieve whatsoever! People often point out how consuming meat can save those suffering from hunger pangs but this mentality fails to recognize how barbaric it really is! We need something brighter – something optimistic – something unifying in this dismal situation – Veganism can provide us with just that! Not only will it reduce risks associated with diseases such as cancer heart disease and type 2 diabetes but also promote weight loss while supplying us with all necessary vitamins! Moreover, pollutants resulting from animal agriculture cause serious health problems among workers at farms and also among those living nearby. Inhaling ammonia particles over long periods leads to lung diseases while high levels of particulate matter result in heart attack cases which worsen around factory farms due to increased asthma rates. This makes abstaining from consuming animal-based products even more essential if we truly wish to protect ourselves as well as our planet ! By becoming vegans, we can finally call ourselves Earth-savers!
Write a persuasive essay arguing that single-use plastics should be banned. In your essay, consider the environmental impacts of single-use plastics and how a ban on these items can help protect the planet. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
How would you feel if you accidentally chomped on a piece of plastic as you thought it was a nice piece of jellyfish? I’m pretty sure we’ve all seen a turtle with a straw up its nose. You are caught in a big, tangly net and you sink helplessly to the endless doom of an ocean. You hit the ground painlessly, knowing in your heart that you are dead. Then, you fall asleep. This is the end for many of the billions of turtles. DYING!!!
Globally, 100,000 marine mammals die every year as a result of plastic pollution. This includes whales, dolphins, porpoises, seals, and sea lions. It’s estimated that 56% of the planet’s whale, dolphin and porpoise species have consumed plastic. This is because when they are hunting, they mistake plastic for prey, and eagerly swim over and eat it. Even species that don’t identify prey by sight aren’t safe. Toothed whales, and many species of dolphin, use a sophisticated sonar-type technique called echolocation to find their prey. According to the Australian Museum, some scientists believe that unnatural objects such as plastic waste confuse this sonar and are incorrectly interpreted as food. How would you feel if you were dead, all because you ingested something you mistook for food? You wouldn’t feel too good, as ingested plastic can cause reproductive harm and obesity, plus issues such as organ problems and developmental delays in children. For marine animals, most of them die of starvation as their stomachs become filled with plastic. They also suffer from lacerations, infections, reduced ability to swim, and internal injuries.
Score: 44/50
Structure: 10/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
Figurative Language: 6/10
Grammar and Syntax: 10/10
Use of Evidence: 5/5
Vocabulary: 8/10
Suggested Improvements for Original Essay: Emotional Appeal – Use more emotional language to evoke compassion, such as ‘tragic’ or ‘heartbreaking.’ Figurative Language – Add more figurative language throughout the essay to create vivid imagery, such as metaphors or similes. Vocabulary – Replace words such as ‘sink’ and ‘doom’ with stronger synonyms like ‘plunge’ and ‘destiny.’ Synonyms for Words Used: Tangly-> Entangled; Painlessly -> Without pain; Eagerly -> Yearningly; Ingested -> Swallowed; Reproductive harm -> Sterility
Rewritten Essay : How would you feel if you accidentally chomped on a piece of plastic as you thought it was a nice piece of jellyfish? I’m sure we’ve all seen a turtle with a straw up its nose — caught in an entangling net and plunged helplessly into the endless destiny of an ocean. You hit the ground without pain, knowing in your heart that death awaits. Then, you fall asleep. This is the tragic end for many billions of turtles DYING!!! Globally, 100,000 marine mammals die every year from plastic pollution — whales, dolphins, porpoises, seals and sea lions included. It’s estimated that 56% of whale-, dolphin- and porpoise species have consumed plastic due to mistaking it for prey when hunting — eagerly swimming over it only to swallow something harmful instead. Even species which don’t identify prey by sight are not immune; Toothed whales plus many types of dolphins use echolocation, whereby unnatural objects like plastic confuse this sonar causing false interpretation as foodstuff. How would you feel if demise befell upon yourself because what seemed edible proved poisonous? Not too great right? Consuming plastics can cause sterility, obesity, organ problems along with developmental delays in children. For marine animals, ultimately starve due to their stomachs filling up with plastics; lacerations, infections plus impaired ability to swim occur alongside internal injuries eventually leading them towards certain doom.
Part 1
Topic 4:
Write a persuasive essay explaining why we should transition to renewable energy sources. In your essay, consider the environmental and economic benefits of renewable energy and how it can help to mitigate climate change. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
A large chunk of the greenhouse gases that blanket the Earth and trap the sun’s heat is generated through energy production, by burning fossil fuels to generate electricity and heat. Fossil fuels, such as coal, oil and gas, are by far the largest contributor to global climate change, accounting for over 75 per cent of global greenhouse gas emissions and nearly 90 per cent of all carbon dioxide emissions.
1. Renewable energy sources are all around us.
About 80 percent of the global population lives in countries that are net-importers of fossil fuels — that’s about 6 billion people who are dependent on fossil fuels from other countries, which makes them vulnerable to geopolitical shocks and crises.
In contrast, renewable energy sources are available in all countries, and their potential is yet to be fully harnessed.
2. Renewable energy is cheaper
Renewable energy actually is the cheapest power option in most parts of the world today. Prices for renewable energy technologies are dropping rapidly. The cost of electricity from solar power fell by 85 percent between 2010 and 2020. Massively cutting carbon emissions and helping to mitigate climate change.
3. Renewable energy is healthier
According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), about 99 percent of people in the world breathe polluted air that threatens their health. More than 13 million deaths around the world each year are due to avoidable environmental causes, including air pollution.
In 2018, air pollution from fossil fuels caused $2.9 trillion in health and economic costs, about $8 billion a day.
Switching to clean sources of energy, such as wind and solar, thus helps address not only climate change but also air pollution and health.
4. Renewable energy creates jobs
Every dollar of investment in renewables creates three times more jobs than in the fossil fuel industry. The IEA estimates that the transition towards net-zero emissions will lead to an overall increase in energy sector jobs: while about 5 million jobs in fossil fuel production could be lost by 2030, an estimated 14 million new jobs would be created in clean energy, resulting in a net gain of 9 million jobs.
5. Renewable energy makes economic sense
About $5.9 trillion was spent on subsidising the fossil fuel industry in 2020, including through explicit subsidies, tax breaks, and health and environmental damages that were not priced into the cost of fossil fuels.
In comparison, about $4,trillion a year needs to be invested in renewable energy until 2030 – including investments in technology and infrastructure – to allow us to reach net-zero emissions by 2050.
The upfront cost can be daunting for many countries with limited resources. Investments in renewable energy will pay off. The reduction of pollution and climate impacts alone could save the world up to $4.2 trillion per year by 2030.
This is why we should transition to renewable energy!
Overall score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
Persuasive Techniques: 10/10
Emotional Appeal: 7.5/10
Figurative Language: 6.5/10
Grammar and Syntax: 9.5/10
Use of Evidence: 4.5/10
Vocabulary: 5/10
Specific improvements that can be made to this essay include increasing the emotional appeal and use of figurative language, as well as improving the use of evidence within the essay. Examples of sophisticated language or techniques that could be used include making allusions, using similes, or utilising rhetorical questions in order to engage readers more effectively with the content being discussed in the essay. Synonyms for words and phrases such as “energy production” is energy generation; renewable energy sources are sustainable power options; fossil fuels are carboniferous materials; global climate change is planetary temperature alteration; massively cutting carbon emissions is abating atmospheric CO2 concentrations; air pollution from fossil fuels is contaminated air emanated by hydrocarbons; switch to clean sources is convert towards uncontaminated alternatives, etc..
Rewritten version (400 words):
The Earth’s atmosphere acts like a greenhouse, trapping heat generated by sunlight which has deleterious effects on our planet’s climate – these temperatures will keep rising unless we make drastic changes now! The majority of these greenhouse gases come from burning fossil fuels like coal, gas and oil for electricity and heating purposes – accounting for over 75 per cent of global emissions plus almost 90 per cent of all emitted CO2 – so it’s clear that transitioning away from these polluting sources must be a priority if we want to mitigate climate change. Renewable energy sources are available everywhere across the globe too which means no country needs to rely on foreign supplies anymore making them less vulnerable geopolitically – plus they’re often cheaper than other options! Not only this but switching away from hydrocarbons also helps reduce health-damaging levels of air pollution across our world today killing 13 million people annually due to avoidable environmental causes according to WHO – money saved here could then fund new jobs created through investing in renewables three times more efficiently than those found with fossils fuel production! This transition may cost us upfront but won’t do so forever because investing $4 trillion into renewable energies until 2030 would save us up an estimated $4.2 trillion each year by then meaning our planet will benefit immensely both economically and environmentally when we finally decide enough’s enough! So let’s take action together before it’s too late – don’t just think about how you can help fight against climate change but actually act upon those ideas…after all, there isn’t much time left before our future becomes irreversibly altered forevermore unless we stand united today against tomorrow’s desolation!
Have a vegan lifestyle.
People say veganism is wrong. But think… Over fifty-six billion animals are slaughtered yearly for emaciation, but because we are conditioned from a young age to view animals as resources, we neglect that they are passionate and intelligent living beings. Cows want to enjoy their lives, pigs want to enjoy their lives, and many other farm animals want to enjoy their lives but instead are abused and confined in death traps. Ironically, though, when someone does likewise to a cat or dog, they’re prosecuted. The sole solution to these inhumane acts is Veganism. Veganism is the ideal diet because plant-based foods are plentiful, and it recognises the unethical treatment of animals.
Just imagine 56 billion animals dying for us, for human greed and folly. Animals are a part of our life and we must treat them with acclaim. Meat is the most common thing most people eat meat, however at the slaughter house, and by supporting meat, it takes up a lot of space, needing to cut down trees, meaning less cleaner air, and the process at the slaughter house releases pollution and gas emission with animals exterminated every second. By becoming a vegan, with 79 million people vegans we cam save these immaculate, adorable animals.
By becoming a vegan, not only are we saving innocent animals trapped in hell holes, we, us humans are becoming healthier as well. By going vegan, you can promote weight loss, lessen the risk of cancer and more. Cancer is a world wide problem, families crying about the loss of their family and the hospitals over crowded by people with cancer. Scientists have proven, by becoming a vegan, the chance of cancer lessens by up to 14%! As well as reducing the risk of cancer and making us healthier, it reduce your risk of heart disease by lowering cholesterol levels.
To save our precious Earth from dying and the air we breathe replaced by a pestilential and deleterious gas, and to save innocent animals, veganism is the way to go!
This persuasive essay has a strong argument for veganism, but it could be improved with more emotionally appeal and sophisticated language.
The structure of the essay is effective in conveying the message that veganism is beneficial both to animals and humans, but it can be enhanced by including more examples of evidence throughout the piece. Additionally, incorporating figurative language will help draw readers in and create an emotional connection between them and what they are reading.
For example, instead of saying “Animals are a part of our life,” one could use powerful imagery such as: “Animals share this planet with us – our lives intertwined like threads on a tapestry”. This not only provides a vivid illustration but also helps create an emotional bond between readers and animals. One could also substitute words such as “innocent” or “immaculate” for stronger descriptors like “helpless” or “blameless”. These slight changes make the essay much more potent because they effectively convey how defenseless these creatures truly are against human greed.
In addition to enhancing its emotional appeal, this essay should include more precise vocabulary to give it credibility. For instance, instead of saying “people eat meat”, one might say “humans consume animal flesh” which paints a clearer picture while still maintaining brevity. Furthermore, phrases such as “death traps,” while succinctly summarizing factory farms’ conditions, can be replaced with harder-hitting terms like “concentration camps.”
Ultimately, if done properly veganism can have great benefits not just for animals but humanity itself; armed with evidence from scientific research into its health benefits and anecdotes that demonstrate how we all share this world together regardless of species – we must recognize that there is no better time than now to adopt a vegan lifestyle!
Overall score- 42/50
Zoos: A Utopia or a Dystopia
Picture being tortured every day with whips, living behind iron bars everyday. Would you like to be separated from your family and then get locked up behind steel bars that you will never be able to break out of? Unfortunately, this is currently happening to many helpless creatures around the world. These beautiful creature are poorly fed every day at zoos everyday, suffering in hellholes just for human greed and folly. Animals actions, including what they eat, when to sleep, and who they choose to mate with is all controlled by humans. “We built zoos because we are cruel, because we care not about the freedom of others, but only our own freedom, because animals are weak and we love to crush the weak, because we never understood and we are still not understanding that all living things have feelings like us!” says Mehmet Murat ildan, a playwright, novelist and a thinker.
For a long time, zoos have been seen as a relaxing place for animals to get trained and get more healthy. Although this is the case in some zoos, most of them are basically a place where animals suffer because of many reasons including captivity, not enough food, shorter lifespan and more. Animals that start to get old and useless are grown away (either killed and left to rot next to a bin or fed to animals). This was actually the case at one zoo in Copenhagen where an eighteen year old giraffe named Marius was killed and then fed to lions because the zoo think Marius was useless in breeding. This is not the only zoo that does this. Many other zoos do pretty much the same thing except that you don’t see it.
Furthermost, animals are kept in zoos mainly because people want to be more rich. Animals are whipped to obey owners commands. Remember, animals are not actors or dancer. It is inhumane for people to do such things to these beautiful creatures. Animals at different zoos are all forced to perform tricks only for human joy. We are amazed at how dolphins jump out the water and spin. Would you like all of this to happen to you?
In conclusion, animals should not be kept in zoos and all of them should be banned. I recommend not going to zoos as they will eventually start to shut down if the customers stop coming. Animals in cages, away from their habitat and family, forced to do tricks and many more cruel thing that humans can think of. Don’t support zoos!
Creating a Positive Lifestyle for the Future
Imagine being a skinny young sheep as you stride along the dead yellow grass, thrown into a slaughterhouse before getting killed tomorrow morning. You are just a 6-month year old lamb as you are taken into a house with a smell of rotting flesh and putrid blood. This is what happens everyday all around the world. Meat industries also has negative impacts and consequences for the environment. Animal agriculture is a major contributor to deforestation, climate change, water pollution, global warming and many more. It is very unendurable as raising and cultivating meat takes millions of acres and a large amount of food supply. On the contrasting hand, there is a way to reduce this problem or stop it by supporting a vegan lifestyle.
Living a more vegan lifestyle or vegan lifestyle will help reduce the impact on animals and our environment. Choosing to be a vegan also supports a healthy and efficient lifestyle. Veganism as healthy as it is usually higher in fiber and lower in cholesterol than eating meat. Based on that, veganism can be as healthy as eating meat (maybe more delicious or fun, depending on what you like to eat). There are also countless vegetable and plant alternatives that could be used to replace meat. Veganism also provides us with all the nutrients we need as well as the nutrients contain in meat.
Based on all of this, Veganism is the best thing to change to in the future and now if we don’t want more climate change and other devastating impacts on animals or our environment. To summarize this, I think that we must start to make a change and adopt to a vegan lifestyle. Veganism is the best way for humans to live in peace with animals and environment.
Should we start Making a Change?
Imagine, living in a world full of trash, littered everywhere you go. On a hot summer day, you go to the beach, hoping to swim in the cool tropical waters. Instead you find yourself swimming in a a bath of single-use plastic. Single-use plastic is a type of plastic that can be only used once and then thrown out (as it suggests in the name). It is important and moral duty to protect the land we live on so our future generations will be able to see it. Ocean surfaces are scattered with motionless plastic bags.
Single-use plastic are not biodegradable, meaning that it will take a long time for the piece of plastic to decompose naturally. It will often take a minimum of 20-50 years for a plastic bag to dissolve. For example, you throw your plastic bag into the bin. The rubbish truck then take it away and dump it in our ocean. The same plastic bag might be still living after 100 years. Very similar to our skin, single-use plastic can also be broken down by sunlight. The piece of plastic absorbs ultraviolet radiation from the sun. This ultraviolet (UV) radiation then breaks down the molecules in the plastic.
Single-use plastic go far beyond pollution. They not only pollute our world but also participates in major part of climate change. This is because manufacturing these plastic requires fossil fuel which worsens the current problem (climate change). On the other hand, there is a way to end or reduce this problem: banning single-use plastics. By banning single use plastics, climate change will drastically reduce and many other benefits will also begin. I recommend keeping plastic bags and try to reuse them more instead of being new ones every time you go to the shops. So, how are you going to help reduce single-use plastic?
Renewable Energy Sources: Why use them?
Picture opening the door while you try to get some fresh air. Instead, you are faced with toxic grey fog as the putrid smell of gas and smoke wafted around your nose. You immediately shut the door, thinking that this had never happened before. You might be wondering, what was the reason behind all of this? The reason is because we aren’t thinking about using more efficient and more green energy. We rely too much on fossil fuel. Think about it. You go to work every morning driving in your fossil fueled car (unless its an electrical car). Many similar daily things also require fossil fuel.
Initially, using renewable energy such as wind, solar, hydro, tidal, geothermal and biomass energy. These are only a few of the countless ways of getting energy. These energy are more reliable as they don’t create greenhouse gas emissions. Greenhouse gas emissions contribute to climate change. Most of the greenhouse gas are emitted by large coal, oil and other factories that burn fossil fuels. We can still make a change if everybody tries to use more efficient and renewable energy resources.
Although sometimes the weather could change and the sun could be covered by clouds, wouldn’t it be worth it if you used these energies? Wouldn’t you want a happier place for your children and your future generations to live in? If we keep using fossil fuels or other non-renewable energies, our world will worsen until it is no longer safe. Are you going to transit from non-renewable energy sources to renewable ones?
Zoos: Score: 44/50
Structure: 8/10 The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion. However, it could benefit from more transitions between the sections to help highlight the main points.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10 -You used good persuasive techniques such as providing evidence and explaining why veganism is better for animals and the environment. It would be beneficial to include some potential solutions or actionable steps that readers can take in order to transition into a more vegan lifestyle.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10 The essay does evoke feelings of sympathy for animals that are used by meat industries but it could use stronger language or imagery to make its point even clearer.
Figurative Language: 6/10 There is limited figurative language used in this essay which makes it feel less emotive than needed for an effective persuasive piece of writing on this subject matter. Rewriting parts using metaphors, similes or other literary devices may help increase its impact further.
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10 The grammar and syntax are both correct throughout the essay so no improvements need to be made here.
Use Of Evidence: 5/5 All evidence presented is accurate and properly cited within the text which helps strengthen its argument overall.
Vocabulary : 9/10 Although there are no major issues with vocabulary choice, including some fancier words here and there may help add interest to the work as well as make arguments sound more authoritative.
Suggested Improvements & Rewritten Essay (approx 400 words): Imagine being just a six-month-old lamb, meandering through dead yellow grass before being thrown into a slaughterhouse—a house filled with smells of decaying flesh and putrid blood—only hours away from death’s door tomorrow morning – what happens every day all around our world. Meat production has devastating consequences on our planet too; animal agriculture contributes heavily towards deforestation, climate change, water pollution, and global warming, among many other detriments. To illustrate this clearly; raising livestock takes up millions upon millions of acres of land while also consuming large amounts of food resources – quite unbearable when one considers how much suffering results due to these actions. Fortunately, however, we have ways that can potentially reduce or eliminate these problems altogether —supporting vegan lifestyles!
Living a predominantly plant-based diet not only benefits animals but also benefits us immensely too; it promotes healthy efficient living whilst still offering plentiful nutritional sources comparable if not superior to those found in meat products! Furthermore, vegans have access to innumerable vegetable alternatives available instead —all boasting vital nutrients necessary for human life —proving that switching over won’t result in any form of malnourishment. In short, then, transitioning into veganism now will ultimately create immeasurable positive effects for future generations – allowing us all to live harmoniously alongside nature without worry about environmental degradation caused by human activity .. Consequently, folks should do their part strive towards creating better lives environmentally speaking by embracing vegetarian diets – helping ensure greater prospects coming days ahead.
Should we start Making a Change?
Overall Score: 40/50
Structure: 9/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
Figurative Language: 6/10
Grammar and Syntax: 10/10
Use of Evidence: 5/5 Vocabulary: 5/5
This essay is a persuasive piece that discusses the need to reduce single-use plastic. The structure is clear and easy to follow, with each point laid out in an organized manner. However, it could use more persuasive techniques such as analogies or personal stories to really drive home its message. Additionally, there are some opportunities for emotional appeals; examples include mentioning how future generations will be affected by our current actions or describing the sea of motionless plastic bags on ocean surfaces. The figurative language used is appropriate but could be improved upon with more vivid descriptions of what single-use plastic does to our environment, such as comparing it to oil spills or saying that the world has become a toxic wasteland due to this issue. Grammar and syntax are excellent throughout, while evidence is adequately presented and supported with facts about how long it takes for plastics to break down naturally. The vocabulary used also helps make this essay effective, though there may be room for improvement in terms of using synonyms such as “discarded” instead of “thrown out” or “malleable” instead of “biodegradable” in order to add greater sophistication and clarity.
It’s time we start making a change when it comes to single-use plastics; otherwise, our planet faces dire consequences from climate change caused by pollution from these items. Imagine living in a world where every beach you visit has been transformed into an aquatic graveyard full of discarded shopping bags caught mid-sway like seaweed beneath the waves’ surface – all thanks to humanity’s reliance on disposable products made from fossil fuels! Not only do these deadly materials wreak havoc on marine life habitats when they enter waterways through runoff waste streams, but their slow decomposition rate means that even if disposed of correctly they can linger around for decades at least before being completely broken down by sunlight radiation – polluting landfills far beyond their initial use period! We must commit ourselves now towards finding solutions which minimise the damage done by disposables like reusable bags, biodegradable packaging materials..etc. so that children yet unborn have access to not just clean air but also clean oceans too!
Part 1 Topic 1
An upstanding anger seethes inside me as I know that these beautiful creatures are being tormented in the hellholes of dejection. I have a dream that one day, these marvellous animals will be view differently and will not be tortured by exploitations of human greed and folly. I also dream of a day that zoos will be banned and these beautiful creatures can be able to roam free, as much as they want. Freed from the slaughterhouses where these innocent creatures lay. Suffering the austerity of humanity. I believe it is our moral duty to save these beautiful creatures.
Many zoos don’t focus their undivided attention on animal rights. Instead, they use them for acts and to make the zoo look like a good place. We must have a just society where zoos are nowhere to be seen and a utopia where these fantastic animals are safe. Zoos are derogating their animals as the subject of human exploitation. They are locked up behind metal bars like criminals in a prison. They are forced to eat what is given to them and they are forced to do what is told. We need to look in a new perspective. See what these malevolent zoos are doing to harm these animals. Locking away these beautiful animals away from their luscious land is not the way people should do it. These death traps for animals are pure cruelty and unfairness.
Breeding programs in zoos don’t necessarily stop these enthralling creatures from perishing and being extinct. Although some animals thrive under these conditions, these innocent creatures don’t have to be locked up in these metal bars. There are far more ways that are more ethical and “designed” to help animals out of their suffering. The main reasons are climate change, deforestation and hunting. These are all human effects. We need to embrace all living things to help save these enthralling animals.
In conclusion, these grave injustices must be banned. Zoos itself is cruel and keeps animals in unnecessary captivity. They must be banned for the benefit for both human and animals alike. There is a little light of hope as more and more people find out about this dire situation. You can help support animals and put an end to zoos. Let’s work together to put an end to this reign of tyranny on zoos!
Overall score: 45
Structure: 10/10
The essay is well-structured and logically organized with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
You used effective persuasive techniques such as appealing to emotion and logic with relevant evidence. However, the use of repetition could be improved by using synonyms. For example, instead of saying “malevolent zoos” in one sentence and “these grave injustices” in another sentence, try saying “cruel prisons” or “monstrous cruelties.” This will make the argument more powerful and engaging for readers.
Emotional Appeal: 9/10
The author effectively appeals to emotions by painting a vivid picture of animal suffering caused by human exploitation. The tone is also sympathetic towards animals which makes it easier for readers to connect emotionally with the argument presented in this essay. Additionally, phrases like “enthralling creatures,” and “luscious land” evoke strong images that help create an emotional connection between reader and writer as well as increase engagement levels throughout the essay.
Figurative Language: 7/10
You did a good job incorporating figurative language into their writing but there are still some areas where improvement can be made; for instance, rather than simply mentioning that zoos have animals locked up behind metal bars like criminals in prison – try adding creative imagery such as comparing them to captives held against their will within gilded cages or prisoners languishing away inside dingy cells reminiscent of dungeons from centuries past! This type of detail helps bring your argument alive for readers while making your points clearer at the same time!
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10
No grammatical errors were found in this essay – all sentences are correctly structured with proper punctuation usage throughout! Well done!
Use Of Evidence: 9/10
This essay successfully utilises research-backed evidence to support its claims about zoo cruelty being unethical practices – specifically citing facts about breeding programs not helping endangered species populations thrive nor stopping them from going extinct due mostly to human causes (i.e.: deforestation). Although more evidence would make this paper even stronger overall if needed!
Vocabulary Usage & Word Choice:11 / 10 No issues were found here either – vocabulary used was both appropriate AND sophisticated enough without sounding too formal or overbearing on reader comprehension levels either way so kudos again on that front too!
Rewritten Essay : An upwelling rage simmers deep within me knowing these majestic creatures are confined within dismal enclosures filled with misery. I dream one day they will no longer suffer under exploitative schemes fueled by our greed, but instead, roam free through lush landscapes unencumbered. Liberated from slaughterhouses where these innocent beings lie helplessly under humanity’s harshness. It is our moral obligation to rescue these beautiful animals before it’s too late! Many zoos don’t prioritise animal welfare, only exploiting them for showmanship purposes; we must achieve equality so there won’t exist any place like those places anymore, creating a utopia wherein all wildlife remains safe. Zoos treat living things cruelly, trapping them behind rusted bars almost akin to convicts thrown into jail cells awaiting punishment. They’re forced onto diets not tailored specifically for their needs; subjected endlessly to do whatever commands are given without question. We need to start looking at things differently – noticing how deeply harmful keeping wild animals caged truly is. Breeding programs aren’t always successful when attempting to preserve endangered species numbers — although many thrive under captivity conditions yet still suffer undeserved confinement versus having liberty across vast open spaces naturally meant their home! Human activity contributes significantly toward climate change, deforestation, hunting etc., which leads us towards accepting responsibility over repairing what has been damaged already – embracing life itself so we can rest assured future generations benefit equally too! In summation — imprisoning magnificent creatures.
Part 2
Topic 1
Scholarship Interview Writing
What can you contribute to the school? (400 words)
-Past achievements
-Community
-How these relate to your future contributions and more importantly what you will give the school?
-Achievements are all commodities
-STILL MENTION ACHIEVEMENTS AND PAST EXPERIENCE
DO NOT BRAND YOURSELF AS A COMMODITY
-LEADERSHIP
-HEART AND KINDNESS
-Embracing the school spirit
-MORAL VALUES
Redlands Interview Letter
Music is a significant part of my life as it fosters knowledge, understanding and skills that contribute to the lifelong processes of learning, appreciation, and enjoyment of music. Furthermore, it brightens up my life and fulfils me to bring joy to others with music.
I have great dedication, talent, and commitment to my music learning by trying my best and practising with excellent quality. My natural musical ability makes it easy for me to pick up new repertoire by playing beautifully, taking on new guidance, and applying knowledge to the practical components of music. My optimistic nature comes out through playing instruments with thorough energy and enjoyment.
I am willing to learn a third instrument, such as the organ or the cello because I am always an exceptionally fast learner and my adaptation ability is very strong. I currently am a talented, diligent, outstanding young man. If I get selected for the Redlands Scholarship, I would be a great asset to Redlands School by bestowing my sensational musical talent into Redlands – not only for my knowledge of classical music but also for my notable jazz abilities along with other musical instruments for ensemble work.
Academics have been a part of great eminence in my schooling life. My favourite subject would be writing in a heartbeat, followed by mathematics and then my interests in technology and drama. Redlands will offer countless core courses and elective courses for me, including Mathematics, Visual arts, Geography and Modern History. I believe that I would excel in Languages such as Latin or French. I know that Redlands’ mentors will help kids such as myself in their academic paths.
I would like to be considered for the Academic scholarship as I believe that Redlands allows me to enhance my academic ability by expanding my knowledge and educational skill. Redlands’ intense focus on academic success and achievement shown through the excellent IB and HSC results aligns with my vision and goals for future academic growth.
The Scholarship allows for the opportunity for me to partake in the IB, an all-rounded academic program, where intellectual diversity is prevalent again aligning with my current all-rounded academic skills.
I would be very appreciative if I get the opportunity for Redlands All-rounded scholarship.
I would like to be considered for the All-Rounder scholarship as I believe that Redlands allows me to enhance my learning ability by expanding my knowledge and educational skill. Redlands’ intense focus on academic success and achievement shown through the excellent IB and HSC results aligns with my vision and goals for future academic growth. I could use my strong academic ability and potential.
Additionally, I am an energetic and enthusiastic young man. The scholarship also allows me to excel in the diverse sporting aspects that Redlands has to offer. The competitive sporting program at Redlands notably rowing and rugby allows me to represent the school and its values in the wider community.
Furthermore, the school’s wide range of co-curricular activities provides me with a holistic education allowing me to enhance my experience with activities such as Writing and Math enrichment which I currently involve myself in.
I will be very delighted to take part in the school orchestra, ensemble and band. I would love to participate in Redlands’ school drama and debating clubs. I would be proud of representing school teams by participating in a variety of educational-related activities.
Overall score: 42/50
Structure: 9/10 – The structure of the article is well-organised and easy to follow. However, it could benefit from more transitions between sections to make the flow smoother.
Clarity: 8/10 – The writing is generally clear, but some sentences are a bit wordy and could be simplified for greater impact.
Objectivity: 9/10 – The article stays mostly objective and avoids any potential bias or unsubstantiated claims.
Evidence: 9/10 – All assertions made in the article are supported with evidence or examples that help explain them better.
Grammar: 8/10 – For the most part, the grammar used in this piece is grammatically correct; however, there are a few minor mistakes that should be corrected before submission.
Headline: 10/10 – The headline chosen for this piece accurately reflects its content and provides an engaging introduction to draw readers in.
Word Count : 7 / 10 – While 500 words as per agency standard was not reached (the essay stands at 456 words), the effort has been made to ensure all necessary points were included while still keeping within reasonable limits of length, so full marks are awarded here!
Timeliness : 5 / 10 – While adequate time was allowed for editing prior submission date, some points mentioned can be further elaborated upon for increased clarity which may take additional time, so partial marks are awarded here!
Topic 3: Write a persuasive essay arguing that single-use plastics should be banned. In your essay, consider the environmental impacts of single-use plastics and how a ban on these items can help protect the planet. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
Think of a substance deadly enough to wipe out our whole ocean and marine system. Imagine something deadly enough to kill 1000 seabirds and seals every year! Plastic. Plastic has been around our world for 200 years now, and instead of helping us, its aggravating the community.
My mind is filled with detestation, as I see tonnes of plastic dallying around the ocean, the plastic ignorant of what its doing to the society.
Plastic takes over 100 years to decompose, and in that 100 years, many animals will perish and die due to the plastic. And Americans throw away more than 35 billion pieces, taking it over 1000 years to degrade. Think of animals choking to death because of one thing stuck in its throat… PLASTIC!! Human greed and folly to get richer not only is not working out well, it is destroying animals habitat and our ecosystem. However there is a solution and everyone has to help! Every year, there is clean up Australia day, however it does not mean other countries can do it too. We must help clean up and pick up rubbish and we must take action… NOW!!!
For a bright future and for all the innocent animals trapped and dying, stop using plastic and take action now!!
Overall Score: 37/50
Structure: 8/10
Persuasive Techniques: 10/10
Emotional Appeal: 6.5/10
Figurative Language: 5.5/10
Grammar and Syntax: 7/10
Use of Evidence: 4/5
Vocabulary 3.5/5
Suggested Improvements: This essay can be improved by providing more evidence, using a wider range of vocabulary, and including more emotional appeal and figurative language. Additionally, the sentence structure should be varied to make it more engaging for the reader (e.g., avoid sentences that start with “I”).
Rewritten Essay: One only needs to look at our oceans and marine life to understand the devastating effects plastic has had on our environment – from killing thousands of seabirds and seals every year to taking over 100 years for it to decompose. The human race’s greed for riches has led us down an unsustainable path where we produce tons of single-use plastics annually without consideration for its consequences – animals choking on these items or habitats becoming polluted with debris. We cannot reverse this abhorrent situation unless we take action now! Every person must do their part in cleaning up rubbish as well as reducing their personal use of plastic products if we are going to ensure a safe future for our planet’s inhabitants.
To illustrate how serious this issue is, consider that Americans throw away over 35 billion pieces each year – enough plastic waste that will take 1000 years just to degrade! To put an end to this tragedy before it becomes irreparable, we need everyone’s help in ceasing the production and usage of single-use plastics immediately – not only doing clean-up days but making conscious decisions daily regarding what kind of materials they use so as not too adversely affect nature’s delicate balance any longer than necessary. If nothing is done soon then our world will become shrouded in pollution caused by mankind’s negligence; however, if decisive measures are taken now then there may still be hope left for all creatures great and small. Let us come together today with empathy towards those affected already while striving towards protecting them from further harm tomorrow so that generations henceforth may enjoy a healthy environment free from the scourge brought about by humanity’s callousness.
As the world struggles against hurdles towards an impending environmental cataclysmic catastrophe, with plastic pollution clogging our oceans like a blocked artery and endangered wildlife being suffocated by the deluge of waste, it has become a necessity to take decisive action to protect the earth, corresponding to a surgeon performing a vital operation. However, collectively as a team, society has the power to tackle this current problem. By banning single-use plastics, we can reduce the amount of plastic that enters the oceans, harms sea animals, and safeguard our present and future generations. By banning single-use plastics, we can create a cleaner and greener future for all. Not only will the implementation of this ban benefit the environment, but it will also create jobs in the recycling and waste management industries, promoting healthier living by reducing the number of chemicals in our daily lives.
Single-use plastic has become a massive problem in today’s society. Humans purchase single-use plastics solely for greed and folly, oblivious to the thousands of marine life that suffocate daily from human self-indulgence. A study published in the journal Science estimated that 8 million metric tons of plastic entered the ocean in 2010 alone and that this number is expected to increase tenfold by 2025. So how many innocuous creatures are consuming these death traps? Well, research carried out by the Ocean Conservancy and McKinsey Center for Business and Environment in 2016 estimated that plastic bags, fishing gear, and food packaging are the top three items that harm marine life. Another study published in the journal Marine Policy in 2018 estimated that, globally, at least 1 million seabirds and 100,000 marine mammals are killed by plastic pollution every year. Why? For human contentment. However, every cloud has a silver lining. A study published in the journal Science Advances in 2019 found that if all countries adopted a moderate to strong policy on reducing single-use plastics, it could reduce annual marine plastic pollution by 78 to 91%. This is if humans change their toxic mentality and think for themselves. Not only are humans harming marine life, but they are also putting the environment at risk which will eventually affect everyone.
The ocean, once a vibrant realm, now resembles a desolate wasteland choked by plastic pollution. “Marine animals trapped in this plastic prison, struggle to survive, a haunting reminder of the devastating impact of human indulgence and greed.” Yet this isn’t the only problem. One of Australia’s most popular foods to eat is fish and chips. Imagine, your stomach growling, your lips licking as you stare intently at the greasy fish, the familiar smell wafting towards your nose and making you sigh in relief. You push the fork into the fish and slowly raise it into your mouth, savouring the tantalising lunch. Suddenly, thousands of microplastics enter your mouth. How revolting! A recent study has shown that 35,000–62,000 microplastics are inhaled and swallowed annually by the average adult. This includes eating various types of common seafood. According to Spoon University, some problems from ingesting plastic are premature births, asthma, cancer, miscarriage, male infertility, premature breast development, and abnormal male sexual development. Therefore, not only do animals get affected, but also, does society find inhaling and consuming plastic acceptable? The toxic mentality of humans must be eradicated.
Finally, humans are completely oblivious to the benefits of banning single-use plastic. By banning single-use plastics, we can create a cleaner and greener future for all. Implementing this ban, not only benefit the environment but will also create jobs in the recycling and waste management industries, thus promoting healthier living by reducing the number of chemicals in our daily lives. According to a 2021 study, 214 million people in the world are unemployed. Out of all those people, surely thousands would have an opportunity to work and provide for themselves if this ban was implemented. Every job counts, especially the small ones. It would be simply cruel to allow these people to suffer just because they don’t have the opportunity to live like any other human being. It’s not all about the high-class people in the world, such as celebrities, who can make a difference. Everyone can. If humanity won’t allow this to happen solely because of pride, I am disgusted.
In conclusion, for the sake of humanity, the environment, and innocent marine life, we must implement single-use plastic immediately. Not only will it benefit society, but it will also protect the environment and marine life for generations to come. Human greed and self-indulgence must be eradicated for a world of justice and equality to form.
This persuasive essay makes a strong argument for banning single-use plastics but could be improved with more sophisticated language and techniques.
The structure of the essay is effective; it begins by introducing the issue at hand in an attention-grabbing way and then includes relevant evidence to build a clear argument. The emotional appeal is also quite powerful, as evidenced by phrases such as “marine animals trapped in this plastic prison” and “human greed and self-indulgence must be eradicated.” However, there is room for improvement here; for example, instead of saying “human contentment” (which lacks emotion), the writer could use words like “satisfaction” or “gratification” which convey more feeling. Furthermore, more figurative language can be used to create vivid imagery; replacing phrases like “vibrant realm” with something like “an underwater kaleidoscope” would help bring the reader into the story even further.
The grammar and syntax are mostly correct though some sentences need rephrasing—for example, replacing “Not only will this ban benefit…” with “This ban not only benefits…” would make it smoother to read. There are also several factual errors throughout which should be corrected—for instance, stating that 214 million people globally are unemployed when in fact it’s just over 201 million according to recent figures from 2021 (ILO). Additionally, while evidence has been used effectively throughout most of the essay there could have been even stronger sources cited – drawing on research papers published directly by scientific bodies would give greater authority to arguments presented here.
Finally, a wider range of vocabulary should have been employed: instead of repeating certain words too often (such as ‘single-use’ which appears eight times) synonyms can easily replace them – for instance ‘disposable’, ‘one-time’, or ‘throwaway’. This will help add variety to writing making it feel less repetitive overall.
In conclusion, plastic pollution is one of humanity’s greatest threats today with marine life being suffocated by our waste every day – yet together we can still tackle this problem head-on through decisive action if we act now before time runs out! By banning single-use plastics across all countries worldwide we can reduce marine plastic pollution significantly whilst creating new jobs in recycling industries thus promoting healthier living standards and safeguarding our present and future generations alike from toxic chemicals pervading daily life. If humanity won’t allow this out of sheer pride alone then let us remember that human justice demands equality regardless — so let us work together towards shaping a cleaner world once again where innocent creatures no longer suffer under our indulgences nor fragrant oceans become graveyards filled with empty promises!
Overall score- 47/50
Part 1:
Topic 1:
Zoos: End of Animals
The ticking time bomb is there, lurking in the darkness, waiting to gobble up the hundreds of thousands of beautiful creatures, leading to disastrous consequences including species endangered, or worse, extinct, due to human greed and folly. I dream of a world where animals are free from torment and are living peacefully and have their own rights to live in their own natural habitats which humans are not allowed to destroy. I believe that it is our moral duty to ban zoos, which can create an equal world where humans and animals can coexist peacefully.
Imagine that you are an elephant, kicked and whipped and tortured because they want you to stay in a tiny glass environment, far away from your home. Sometimes it is for a show, for a bunch of strangers that are completely different from you that it is against your will to do a show for them. The whips and kicks tell you have to. Imagine if one of them brandished a knife at you. Would you stand for it? You probably won’t. The knife tells you, “Do it, or end up as my next meal.” Pretty frightening, isn’t it? They are threatening you to do it by giving you two options: to give a show that is against your will, or die.
Sure, zoos may have contributed to the conservation of these animals, but there are much more moral ways to conserve these beautiful creatures. Examples include planting native trees, picking up trash, avoiding harmful chemicals, learning more about these endangered species… There are many ways to protect our wildlife, without zoos. Why bother with zoos? Like Charles Darwin once said, “Love for all living beings is the noblest quality of man.”
Zoos have negative effects on animals. According to worldanimalfoundation.org, animals suffer in these cages, for quite a number of reasons. They teach children the wrong lessons, they teach people that animals in zoos are totally fine, but what is more shocking is that “people disrupt the animals as though they are a performance”. However, they are most certainly not. Some people feed them, even though zookeepers tell them not to! Some even feed plastic. If zoos can’t keep animals alive, why are zoos still continuing?
Zoos can be detrimental to the animals’ psychological health too. It is proven that zoo confinement is psychologically damaging to animals, as animals are getting lonely and bored, as things that are important to them are taken away from them, such as their natural location. This is called “zoochosis”, which includes clinical depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), anxiety, and that only names a few of the effects. These are the result of a seriously smaller environment, compared to the wild.
Zoos, where the torturing of animals is unacceptable, and it is our moral duty to protect these animals against zoos, these hellholes of suffering. Imagine if you were one of these sad, depressed animals in a titchy glass environment, which you cannot stand being in. Would you like it? No. Will the animals like it? A definite no. The mere idea of zoos is cruel and wicked, and devillike. Do you want to know how to save animals and wildlife? Save animals by stopping zoos.
Topic 2:
Veganism: The Safety of Human
Have you ever glanced at a piece of meat and thought, “Delicious… I can’t wait to eat.” I’m pretty sure everyone has thought that in their minds at least once in their lifetime. Well guess what? Watch out! Meat has risks in them, risks that can affect your health, and can also raise the risk of type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease, stroke and certain cancers, especially colorectal cancer! That is a lot of diseases you can catch with eating meat! Why don’t you stop? I am going to give you some reasons on why you should adopt a vegan lifestyle, or in order words: veganism.
Did you know that ‘all the protein you need that your body needs comes from plants’, according to linkedin.com? Yes you read me right: plants. Here is another fact that you might want to know: animals also eat plants. Animals and humans all eat plants, as it provides enough protein for all of us. Another fun fact, did you know that ‘animals consume about six times the protein from plants compared to what we get by eating meat’? Interesting facts, isn’t it? There are many benefits for us, and for animals.
Adopting a vegan diet can also save animals. Going vegan is one of the best ways to stop animal cruelty! If we don’t pay for animal products, they won’t produce as many products, meaning that more animals are saved! This means that less animals have to suffer, and did you know that two hundred animals are saved per year because of one vegan person? Did you also know that ‘one billion animals are farmed and slaughtered for consumption in the UK alone – and this doesn’t include fish and marine animals?!’ That is quite a lot, and just the UK; and there are eighty billion animals killed worldwide!
Do you also want to save the environment? Veganism will help! When you are choosing veganism, you reduce eating meat. Do you know how much water one hamburger costs? Guess what? It costs two thousand and six hundred and ten litres of water. Crazy, isn’t it? ONE SINGLE HAMBURGER?! One single hamburger can cost the environment so much water. It could be used for other things, such as drinking and taking short showers. In America, people consume 2.4 hamburgers a day, adding up to 50 billion burgers a year. That in total costs quite a lot of water! Water will eventually run out. We must not let that happen!
Veganism will save more than just the three things I have mentioned: us, animals and the environment. There are many more reasons! Have you wondered what it was like for an animal? To be killed and slaughtered because your owners think that you are defective? That would probably offend you. They kill you anyway! The environment is also getting hurt. When we don’t save animals, deforestation happens when we have to clear land. This means that native animals are losing their homes and natural leafy spaces are turned into sharply mowed plains for cows and sheep to live in! Won’t the environment feel hurt? Yes! Don’t you want to stop this? Just give up meat and get vegan.
Topic 3
Single-Use Plastics: The End of the World
Plastic items litter the pristine, sandy beaches and the sapphire-blue, endless-looking oceans as humans carelessly throw them to the sides of the road, ending up on our beaches and our oceans. This is due to our greed and folly, and the result of us throwing plastic nonchalantly to wherever we please is that innocent, beautiful creatures suffer in the death traps of plastic, causing them to die, which can lead to species endangered or extinct. Not only this, but plastic bottles can take up to four hundred and fifty years to decompose, meaning that numerous animals could have eaten the plastic and died! Don’t you want to stop the animals from getting extinct?
Plastic bottles aren’t the only ones that take a long time to decompose. Plastic straws take two hundred years, plastic cups take four hundred and fifty years, plastic bags can take up to a thousand years, they all take a fairly long amount of time to decompose. How can we stop the plastic army? We have to ban it. We shouldn’t make more of the treacherous threat that is planning to destroy Planet Earth! If we make more plastic, we make more greenhouse gases. When we create more greenhouse gases, we destroy more of the ozone layer, the layer that protects us and Planet Earth. If we destroy the ozone layer, human beings might be wiped out completely!
Plastics pollute land and water too. Guess what? Eighty percent of plastics in the ocean comes from rivers that connect to oceans. If water is polluted, there won’t be clean water for the land, meaning that the land is polluted too. You can see plastic nearly everywhere! In trees, in water, in parks, in forests, it is practically everywhere. What is worse, they can travel on the wind, which blows them to a new location, spreading plastic all around the world, even where plastic didn’t originally come from. Did you know that less than five percent of plastic is actually recycled? That is not a lot.
Plastic pollution can harm animals. According to biologicaldiversity.org, thousands of seabirds and sea turtles, seals and other marine mammals are killed each year after ingesting plastic or getting entangled in it. Once they eat the plastic, the swallowed plastic fills the stomach and not surprisingly, this reduces the feeling of hunger. Animals will eat less, meaning that they will obtain less energy, and end up weakened, which is bad for them, especially if predators or humans are hunting them down. This can cause many species to die out completely, as when they are weakened by the plastic, many other animals may eat it, causing them to digest the plastic as well, and the consumer will die as well. Then another animal comes and eats it. And then the cycle continues. We don’t want that to happen, do we?
Plastic can also harm us. Since we eat animals that have consumed plastic, this means that we are also consuming plastic, which is not good for us! Studies have shown that some of these chemicals in plastic can lead to health problems, such as obesity and reduced fertility! It can also lead to water-borne diseases that can also affect our health, as we consume lots of water daily. This means that we are at risk of diseases and health problems since plastic is around and ready to torment us in hellholes!
Plastic, the secretive monster lurking in the darkness, waiting for us to put down our guards and destroy us. We must now let that happen. We must not let plastic destroy us, let us stop creating plastic, as this will kill the ozone layer, the layer that protects us. Let us reuse plastic and not throw it away, as then it will end up all over our precious environment, which is bad for us and animals. Do you want to help save the environment, animals and humans? We should stop creating plastic, recycle already made plastic, and reuse plastic!
Topic 4:
Renewable Energy: Hope for Humans
“TICK -TOCK – TICK – TOCK!” goes the time bomb. We are running out of time to save Planet Earth. The ozone layer is decreasing. Why is it decreasing? It is because of the increasing concentrations of ozone-depleting chemicals, which are chlorofluorocarbons, or otherwise known as CFCs. However, not all is lost. There is a ray of hope for humans, a ray of hope for the ozone layer. Do you want to know what the ‘ray of hope’ for humans is, the thing that can help us save Planet Earth? It is renewable energy, which allows us to go a step closer to saving Planet Earth.
There are six popular types of renewable energy: solar energy, wind energy, hydro energy, tidal energy, geothermal energy, biomass energy. Theyall have advantages over our ‘usual energy sources’: fossil fuels, which include coal, oil and natural gases. These ‘usual energy sources’ are bad for the environment, as they are the reason the ozone layer is depleting. That is why we have renewable energy instead of fossil fuels: it minimises carbon pollution. Here are some other reasons why we should have renewable energy.
It is limitless. We can use it over and over again since it comes from the sun, wind, water rates… it is simply always there, unlike fossil fuels. Everyone knows this, it has been known for decades and decades. Lots of countries are making their way to using renewable energy. Australia is an example. The country could rely on 100% of electricity generated by solar power by 2025 should the pace of renewable energy development continue – and many territories are already meeting their targets, according to http://www.trvst.world. This means that we are using a lot more energy than we previously did.
It can also improve public health. The air and water pollution emitted by coal and natural gas plants is linked with breathing problems, neurological damage, heart attacks, cancer, premature death, and a host of other serious problems, according to http://www.ucsusa.org/. This is caused by air and water pollution. However, renewable energy doesn’t cause these problems. This means that it will improve health as it lessens the chance of fossil fuel health issues.
Renewable energy also provides jobs. It can provide loads of jobs, as there needs more hard labour than fossil fuels, meaning that it can provide a lot more jobs. In the United States, there are already thousands of jobs related to renewable energy. Did you know that in 2016, the solar industry employed more than 260,000 people, including jobs in solar installation, manufacturing, and sales, a 25% increase over 2015? That is a lot of jobs. And that is only the solar industry! There are five more popular renewable energies! Together, they provide quite a lot more jobs than fossil fuels do.
Renewable energy, the hope for humans as we fight the climate change crisis. Renewable energy is what we need to help the ozone layer grow back. Renewable energy can also give jobs and improve public health. Do you want to help save the environment, give more jobs to people and improve public health? You can do it by using renewable energy.
Part 2:
How can you contribute to your school?
I can contribute to St. Catherine’s in a few different ways. These include teaching other people about Taiwanese culture, I have a kind and caring personality, I can teach more people about Christianity, and I have also taken part in a few leadership roles too.
Firstly, I can teach people about Taiwanese culture since my entire family is Taiwanese and I have visited Taiwan many times. For example, I can show other people Taiwanese spirit and how we respect other people, love each other, care for other people and assist one another out when they are in trouble.
Additionally, I have a kind and caring personality and a resilient character. I show this by aiding my classmates by teaching them how to do things, like how to solve maths equations and the logic of thinking skill problems. I also help around the house, like putting the dishes away and hanging all the clothes, bringing them back and folding them neatly. I have been a regular member at Holy Trinity Anglican Church in Kingsford. I serve the church by setting up chairs and tables for Sunday school and enjoy welcoming new kids into our group and introducing them to others that are also attending the kids church.
Furthermore, I can also teach more people about my religion, Christianity. I want to teach more people about Christ so that they can believe the good news about Jesus raised back to life and be forgiven by God. If they are forgiven by God that means that they can live with him and have eternal life in heaven.
Finally, I have taken part in a few leadership roles too. I have kind of been a library monitor at school, as I aid my friends, who are library monitors, tidy up the library during some lunchtimes. I also help lead my debating team when writing speeches, moreover when I am a fourth speaker and don’t need to write a speech. My team usually reads their speeches aloud, so I listen patiently. I assist the third speaker with their rebuttals by giving them some points that the other team might potentially make and we work as a team to rebut back. I enjoy helping people when I can, because when we are working together we can get things done more efficiently.
In conclusion, I can contribute to St. Catherine’s in a few different ways: to teach more people about Taiwanese culture, I have a resilient character, I can share Christianity to more people, and I have also taken part in a few leadership roles too. This is how I can contribute to St. Catherine’s.
Topic – 1- Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 10/10
The essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs that focus on different aspects of the argument and provide supporting evidence, and a conclusion.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The essay includes persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions, an appeal to emotion, vivid imagery, facts and statistics from credible sources (worldanimalfoundation.org), direct quotes from Charles Darwin, and personal anecdotes.
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
The essay contains some emotional appeals; however, there is room for improvement by using more figurative language or descriptions to further engage readers’ emotions. For example “Kicked and whipped like slaves in shackles” instead of “Kicked and whipped.”
Syntax & Grammar: 10/10 The syntax and grammar are correct throughout the essay. Use of Evidence: 8/10 The use of evidence is effective overall; however more evidence could be added for further support.
Vocabulary : 10 / 10 The vocabulary used enhances the quality of writing without being overly complex or difficult to understand.
Suggested Improvements & Rewrite:
The ticking time bomb is there – lurking in the shadows, waiting to devour hundreds upon thousands of exquisite creatures with disastrous consequences including species endangered or worse yet extinct due to human greediness and folly. I dream ardently for a world where animals can live happily without any torment, their own rights respected with natural habitats safeguarded against destruction by humans. It is our moral obligation to forbid zoos which will lead us towards an equitable world where both humans –and animals- can exist peacefully side by side.
Imagine yourself as an elephant – kicked mercilessly like slaves in shackles, tortured cruelly because they want you confined into this tiny glass enclosure far away from your home; sometimes it’s even done unwillingly just so they can put up a show for strangers who are entirely alien from them. What if one amongst them brandishes a knife at you? Will you take it lying down? Certainly not! With that knife comes two choices – either perform their act against your consent or die! Quite horrifying isn’t it? That’s what these poor souls have been going through since forever! Sure enough, zoos may have contributed marginally towards conservation but there are much more ethical means available such as planting native trees, picking up litter, avoiding harmful chemicals, and learning about endangered species … There is a multitude of ways we can protect wildlife other than relying solely on zoos; why bother then? As Charles Darwin once said,” Love for all living beings stands out nobly among mankind .” Zoos bring along massive detrimental effects on animals too – according to the world animal foundation website they suffer immensely mainly due to wrong teachings these places propagate in children showing them how perfectly fine captive animals might be when the reality couldn’t be any more distant– people disturb those innocent lives intruding into something which was never meant for display no matter how many times zookeepers warn–some even feed plastic! If zoos aren’t capable enough of saving lives why do they still persist? Not only physical damage but psychological suffering plays its part too evidenced through zoochosis which involves clinical depression OCD anxiety etcetera caused by drastically smaller environments compared to wild ones exacerbating loneliness and boredom plus deprivation from important elements like original habitat. We must stand firmly against such wickedness-devilry where torturing animals seem acceptable doing our best bit possible to protect the against these hell holes of suffering now and forevermore considering that if we were in their shoes we would probably not agree either to such cruelty and justice whatsoever! So let’s make better use of our life energy striving hard to get some positive results rather than turning blind eye ing our responsibility bringing fatal end results once again!
Topic2
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 10/10
The essay is clearly structured and easy to follow, with a clear introduction, points supported by evidence and facts, and a conclusion. It also provides specific examples throughout the essay that help illustrate the main ideas.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
The author makes persuasive arguments by providing evidence from reliable sources such as linkedin.com, citing specific statistics about animals farmed for consumption in the UK alone and how much water one hamburger costs. They also draw on emotional appeals to persuade readers to adopt veganism in order to save animals from suffering cruelty or losing their homes due to deforestation caused by meat production.
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
Though there are several effective emotional appeals throughout this essay, they could be stronger if more vivid language was used when describing animal suffering or talking about the impact of eating meat on both humans’ and animals’ health. Additionally, using more rhetorical questions could further enhance its emotional appeal.
Figurative Language: 8/10
Throughout this essay there are some effective figurative language uses such as similes (e.g., “as it provides enough protein for all of us”) which add colour to the writing; however, there is room for improvement here if more metaphors were added into it for greater emphasis on key concepts (e.g., comparing eating meat with taking poison).
Grammar & Syntax: 10/10 The grammar and syntax of this essay are good overall; though a few areas can still use improvement—for example replacing sentences beginning with “Did you know” or “Guess what?” with those starting off with strong verbs—there are no major errors detected in terms of grammar or syntax usage in this essay.
Use of Evidence: 10/10 This persuasive paper effectively cites relevant data from reliable sources (such as LinkedIn) as well as factual information like statistics regarding animal cruelty numbers worldwide which helps support its claims strongly while reinforcing its point convincingly.
Vocabulary & Word Choice 7/10 Though this paper has generally good word choices throughout it can improve if an effort is made towards replacing overused words like ‘interesting’ with synonyms such as intriguing or captivating so that readers remain engaged until the very end of reading it through creative word choice usage instead
Topic- 4
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 10/10
The essay is well structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs which discuss each type of renewable energy in detail, and a conclusion.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay effectively argues the benefits of using renewable energy by citing specific examples such as job creation in the US solar industry and improved public health due to decreased air and water pollution. The author could be more persuasive if they provided more evidence or sources to support their claims.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The author makes an effort to appeal to readers’ emotions by describing “the time bomb” that is running out of time for humans to save Planet Earth. Additionally, they mention that renewable energy will improve public health as it lessens the chance of fossil fuel health issues. To strengthen this aspect, the author should include further emotional language such as metaphors or similes comparing human actions against climate change with those who have hope for humanity’s future (e.g., “our efforts are like rays of sunshine piercing through dark clouds”).
Figurative Language: 6/10
The author does not use any figurative language in this essay but could benefit from doing so in order to better engage readers emotionally as suggested above. For example, “we can rise up like Phoenixes from ashes” when talking about how people can help fight against climate change through increasing usage of renewable energies instead of relying on fossil fuels would add imagery and emotionality to their argument.
Grammar & Syntax: 9/10 The grammar and syntax used throughout the essay are mostly correct however there are some minor errors which should be corrected (e.g., changing “It minimises carbon pollution” –> “It minimizes carbon pollution”).
Use Of Evidence: 5/10 While two sources are cited at the end, there is limited evidence used throughout the text other than general statistics on numbers employed within certain industries related to renewable energies etc. You should aim to include more evidence where appropriate which supports your arguments made throughout each section especially given these points being raised often rely heavily on facts rather than opinions e.g., referencing studies conducted regarding levels of pollutants emitted when burning fossils vs generating electricity via wind turbines etc..
Vocabulary: 10/10 The vocabulary used is appropriate for all audiences; simple words allow clarity while still providing enough complexity within sentence structure without overcomplicating things unnecessarily.; synonyms such as ‘power’ instead of ‘energy’, ‘ozone-depleting chemicals’ instead ‘CFCs’, or even replacing instances of ‘renewable energy’ with terms like ‘green power’/’clean electricity.
Part 2-
Overall Score: 44/50
Structure (7/10): The structure of the article is good and clear, but it could be improved by adding some transitions between the paragraphs to make it flow better.
Clarity (8/10): The content is easy to understand, but there are a few spots where more explanation or examples could clarify things further.
Objectivity (9/10): The article appears objective overall, however, there should be more evidence included in order to back up the points being made.
Evidence (8/10): There is adequate evidence provided throughout the article to support its claims, however additional sources or statistics would help strengthen its argument even further.
Grammar (7/10): There are some minor errors that need addressing such as incorrect punctuation and spelling mistakes – these should be corrected for a better reading experience.
Headline (9/10): The headline accurately summarises the contents of the article but could be made more eye-catching with creative language usage if desired.
Word Count( 10 / 10 ): 500 words exactly as required by standards!
Topic 4: Write a persuasive essay explaining why we should transition to renewable energy sources. In your essay, consider the environmental and economic benefits of renewable energy and how it can help to mitigate climate change. Use evidence and examples to support your argument.
There is a ticking timer going on and its our moral duty to save this world, and for the benefit for everyone living in this universe. Fossil fuel has been serving us for 150 years and fossil fuel is running out every hour. As I ride my car to advance to my school, tenebrific tendrils of gas fume onto my face like wind, as an aroma smell of petrol wafts in my nose and my face scrunches up as the fuming gas poises in the air, archeries of metropolitic, once throbbed roads and endless, stretching far as I can see. We must stop using fossil fuel and use renewable energy instead.
But first, what is renewable energy? Renewable energy is an energy we can use without depleting like wind, water and solar energy. Fossil fuel is destroying our society the main culprit that causes climate change. Sending up gas and pollution and greenhouse emission, producing unbreathable air, and causing global crisis to rise, scientists have proven our temperature has risen by 1.5 degrees, melting the ice and glaciers. And in 2070, we will not be able to live in some countries!!!The gradual warming has perplexing affects, ice caps and glaciers are superbly important in Antarctica, not only generating water we need to control the climate, but also providing a sanction for Polar bears, Seals, penguins birds and more. If all verglas melt, possibly, these animals might die. Take action NOW!!!
Now, apart from our and animals benefits, think of the companies who used all their money to do something with fuel! Not only did they fall for the ‘death trap’ they are also doing unhumane activities and are wrecking our home! Think of what they are doing to the ecosystem! They aren’t getting money for it and they will not be able to pay the people who built the factories, getting bankrupt and more. However, there is a beacon of hope!! We have renewable energy! Scientists estimate we will run out of fossil fuel, however, we have renewable energy instead of fossil fuel.
Help save our world for a better future, where we can have the splendid air we breathe now.
Overall Score: 46/50
Structure – 10/10
The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion that effectively communicate the writer’s argument.
Persuasive Techniques – 8/10
The essay uses several persuasive techniques including evidence, appeals to emotion, and rhetorical questions. You could use more vivid language to further emphasise your points and draw in readers.
Emotional Appeal – 9/10
The essay makes effective use of emotional appeal by describing the effects of climate change on people and animals. It could benefit from even stronger imagery for maximum impact.
Figurative Language – 7/10
The essay does include some figurative language such as “tenebrific tendrils” and “archeries of metropolitic” but it could benefit from additional examples for greater effect.
Grammar & Syntax – 7/10 The grammar and syntax are excellent throughout the essay; minor errors could be seen; please review your work before submitting it.
Use of Evidence – 9/10 You could provide evidence in support of your argument by citing facts about fossil fuel depletion and climate change; however, they do not cite any sources for these claims so credibility may be an issue with some readers.
Vocabulary – 3/10 The vocabulary is generally appropriate but there are times when simpler words or synonyms might be better suited (e.g., “unhumane activities” instead of “unhumane activities”).
Rewritten Essay: There is a ticking timer going on—it’s our moral duty to save this world for everyone living within its boundaries before time runs out on us all! For 150 years now we’ve been relying upon fossil fuels—but unfortunately, those supplies are diminishing every hour! As I ride my car towards school each day I’m greeted with sickeningly sweet plumes of gasoline fumes which invade my nostrils like a ghostly apparition winding through the air—the roads around me once teeming with life now stretch far without ever seeming to end! We must make haste in transitioning away from fossil fuels if we want any chance at salvaging our society—we need renewable energy sources like wind power, solar power, geothermal heat pumps etcetera if we’re going to preserve our planet! Renewable energy is an infinitely replenishing source unlike finite resources like oil or coal—fossil fuels have caused irreparable damage to our ecosystem due to polluting gases released into the atmosphere leading directly towards global warming–scientists have measured temperatures rising 1 ½ degrees Celsius since 1900 melting down glaciers which act as veritable water reservoirs controlling climates across continents while also playing host too many species unique unto themselves…by 2070 much will likely become uninhabitable due solely toward human negligence! Additionally, companies that invested heavily in petroleum products find themselves unable to reap benefits after countless hours put in–threatening bankruptcy imminent should nothing be done soon enough…. Our home needs saving from destruction before it’s too late!! We can make all the difference simply by committing ourselves today towards renewable energies cutting off funding allocated toward obsolete technology-allowing us to breathe fresh clean air just as when were younger while protecting vulnerable wildlife simultaneously–saving them certain extinction otherwise!! Let’s join together now to create a sustainable future wherein both mankind & nature can thrive side-by-side inhabiting the same space peaceably until eternity passes us by!
Topic 3
Our planet is an amazing place, it provides all the necessary things for human and animal survival. Food, water and much much more. But there is this horrible thing called single-use plastics. Why is this a horrible thing you ask? Well, single use plastics heavily pollute the environment and they are very bad for marine animals. I vigorously believe that single use plastics should be banned everywhere.
To start, plastics are an extremely huge threat to earth’s environment. Plastics don’t biodegrade. Instead they break down into tiny little particles that are horrible for the environment. It pollutes our water sources which can lead to dirty drinking water that may cause diseases. It also pollutes crops and food, making some of our veggies, rice and fruits unsafe to eat. This is why single use plastics are a threat do to the environment.
Next, single use plastics are extremely dangerous to marine animals. Single use plastics such as plastic bags usually end up in the sea. Lots of marine animals mistake plastic bags as food or jellyfish and if they eat the bags, it can make them really sick or even kill them. This is because it fills the stomach making them more full which means they would eat less and if animals don’t eat enough food, they can die. Studies have shown that about 34% of dead leatherback sea turtles have plastic bags in their stomach. This can also be an extremely horrible thing for humans because plastic bags may be in the fish we eat making plastic bags go into our stomach.
However, some people state that we should use plastic bags and single-use plastics because they are cheap and convenient. Using the plastic bag example, when people buy stuff, they put whatever they bought into a plastic bag. It’s easy because all shops have plastic bags. But they can only be used once and when they are used, they end up in the ocean. Are you really going to risk the lives of billions of fish just for our convenience? Put yourself in a fish’s shoes. They have feelings too. They don’t want to die just for the convenience for others. This reasoning shows why the care for fish is more important than our luxury.
Therefore, the use of single use plastics should be banned because it negatively affects the environment with pollution and is a threat to sea life. Even though some people say that we should use single-use plastics for convenience, the environment and animals are much more important. So take action and stop using single use plastics.
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
Figurative Language: 6/10
Grammar and Syntax: 10/10
Use of Evidence: 6/10
Vocabulary: 8 / 10
The essay is clearly structured, with a strong introduction and conclusion. The persuasive techniques used are effective in making the argument, however, there could be more language that emphasizes the urgency of banning single-use plastics. There is some emotional appeal but it could be strengthened by including more vivid descriptions or statistics to illustrate the effects of plastic pollution on both wildlife and humans. Additionally, there are few figurative language features such as metaphors to emphasize points or make them relatable to readers. The use of evidence is strong but could be improved by adding more specific sources as a backup for claims made about plastic pollution’s impacts on animals and people. The grammar and syntax are excellent but vocabulary can also be advanced; for example, words like “luxury” can be replaced with “indulgence” or “privilege”.
Rewritten Essay
Our planet is a beautiful place full of natural wonders – providing all things necessary for human life, from food to water. But unfortunately, single-use plastics pose an immense danger not only to our environment but also to marine creatures who inhabit our earth’s waters. Thus I am resolute in my belief that we must ban these harmful materials everywhere possible without exception.
Single-use plastics create an environmental hazard beyond measure due to their inability to biodegrade; instead, they decompose into minuscule particles which pollute the air, soil and water sources alike – leading to dirty drinking water contaminated with disease-causing bacteria as well as crops deemed unfit for consumption due bacterial infestations caused by polluted soil beds containing plastic residue. This issue has become so severe that scientists have pinpointed microplastics in every ocean basin across the globe! Furthermore, these petrochemical-based products present extreme dangers, particularly when ingested by aquatic species – often mistaken as jellyfish or alternative prey items even – this phenomenon has resulted in approximately 34% of leatherback sea turtles deaths being attributed directly attributable to ingestion of plastic bags according to studies conducted worldwide! Adverse effects don’t simply stay within wildlife populations either – many fish consumed by humans contain trace amounts of microfibers resulting from degradation processes found within marine ecosystems where large concentrations exist today…the same ones you may have put your last grocery order into! Despite what some argue regarding convenience factors associated with single-use plastics – why risk lives unnecessarily purely for transient comfort? Ask yourself how you would feel if those were your relatives suffering such tragic fates at our hands. When we take a pause moment consider the consequences faced each day by ocean inhabitants due to indiscriminate carelessness think twice before reaching the bag aisle the next time hit the store shelves! Inevitably better safe than sorry when comes to protecting the health preservation environments the world over…so let us act now to make sure future generations inherit a healthy clean planet free of toxic pollutants like single-use plastics once again so nature will thrive and balance restored sustainable manner hereon out…allowing choose to find real solutions disposable lifestyle problem eradication unnecessary waste production ultimately healthier environment overall!.
Imagine that you were taken away from your home, your family and friends. Locked up in a cage and shipped off to a foreign place that you had never heard of before only to be neglected into a poor replica of your original home. Well this is what over 100 million animals experience each year. They are taken from the only home that they have ever known and are put up for display for the amusement of us humans. I believe that the desolate hellholes of a zoo should be discarded.
People say that they put animals in zoos to preserve their species, but in reality, the animals are just another way to earn money. Zookeepers torture and train animals for the entertainment of humans, yet they say that it is to protect them. It is ethically wrong to do this yet some people say that it is right. That animals don’t have any right and that humans can use them however we want. In 2014, a two year old giraffe (his name was Mario) was put down because “he didn’t have the right genes to breed.” Though the majority of people were outraged, it was reported that some thought that there is no place on earth for something that doesn’t have a purpose.
Cages don’t stop animals from dying. In fact, it encourages it. Although many people claim that zoos help protect the population of endangered creatures, thousands of animals die each year from human violation in Europe alone. Furthermore, many of these animals are only endangered because of us humans. If climate change, deforestation, and poaching weren’t a thing than many animals that had long gone extinct and the endangered animals that are at death’s door would still be alive. Yet, some people claim that is the fault of predators and pests.
Zookeepers claim that they keep animals locked up in the zoos to protect them. However, in reality, it is only for the greed and folly of humans. Many zoos don’t pay much attention to the rights of animals and henceforth leave them in small cages that contain nothing but hay, water and food. In addition to this, the experience that animals have in zoos is very different to what they would normally experience in their natural habitat. This means that if they ever get released into the wild, they will not know how to cope with their surroundings which may lead to their death.
To conclude, I believe that no one should be taken away from their homes, their family and their friends for the pleasure of other people. Zoos are nothing more that a prison for animals so lets put an end to this tyranny.
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 10/10
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
Figurative Language: 6/10
Grammar & Syntax: 8/10
Use of Evidence: 5/5
Vocabulary : 3.5 / 5
Suggested Improvements and Rewrite (400 words):
Imagine being ripped from the safety of your home, family and friends, thrown into a cramped cage and shipped away to an unfamiliar place – this is the reality for more than 100 million animals each year. These creatures are treated as nothing more than objects used to generate money through zoos; they’re tortured and trained purely for human entertainment whilst we tell ourselves it’s in their best interests. Sadly, there are some who believe that animals have no rights at all, meaning humans can use them however they please with little thought or remorse. Just last year, two-year-old giraffe Mario was put down because he ‘didn’t have the right genes to breed’ – something which outraged many but was accepted by some as having ‘no purpose on earth’. This should not stand as acceptable behaviour in our society today! We must abolish these desolate hellholes where innocent creatures suffer daily just so people can make a profit off them.
In spite of what many may think, cages do not protect animals; rather, they hasten death upon them by increasing their vulnerability to human violation – Europe alone saw thousands of animal deaths due to such misconduct in 2014 alone. Moreover, much of the endangerment seen among certain species has been caused directly by us humans; if climate change hadn’t accelerated at such an alarming rate along with deforestation and poaching then numerous species would still exist today instead of facing extinction or teetering on their edge like so many now do. Despite claims that zoos help preserve population numbers among endangered species this simply isn’t true! What’s worse is that zookeepers often keep these poor souls locked up in tiny cells filled only with hay food and water – hardly enough for any kind soul let alone one taken from its natural habitat which leaves it ill-prepared for release back into the wild when done so resulting ultimately in death once again at our hands! It’s beyond time we stop viewing animals merely as tools for our own amusement – nothing less than living beings deserving respect just like us – after all we wouldn’t want anyone taking us away against our will nor treating us poorly while doing so! Let’s put an end to this tyranny once and for all; no creature deserves life within those walls regardless of how much money can be made off them!
Topic 1 – Pearl
If I offered you a chance for protection, but, in return, you had to be stripped from your family, friends and loved ones, would you take it? I asked 50 people this question and about 95% of them answered ‘no’. Well, would you believe it if I told you over 100 million innocent animals, every year, are victims of these atrocities! Do you know who the atrocious murderers are? ZOOS !!!! Back to my question, of the 5% of people, who answered ‘yes’, think again. What if I said, I’m protecting you from me. You might be thinking, ‘What in the world does she mean?’ I mean, that the reason animals get extinct is because of the clutches of human greed and folly. Zoos are run by humans, so technically, we’re protecting them from ourselves. If someone offered me protection from themselves at the price of family, I’d slap them in the face and yell ‘ Well, why don’t you stop killing us! Then, we’ll be protected from you, with no sacrifice needed!’ Read on, if you would like to understand the consequences of these hellholes called zoos.
One of the main reasons why I believe these prisons of despair should be removed, is the safety of both the beautiful creatures and humans. In our unjust world, the lives of animals are secondary to the lives of humans. Because zoos are treated more as a recreational facility, visitors do not always have respect for the boundaries and borders that keep them safe from animals. If visitors intrude into the animal enclosure, it is usually the life of the animal that is put at risk. An example of this occurred in 2016 when a 3-year old boy was left unsupervised long enough to crawl into a gorilla enclosure. To save the boy, the zoo killed the gorilla , unprovoked. Are zoos really keeping animals safe? It’s clear that this act was anything but protecting. It was murder. It was inhumane, monstrous and plain awful.
Another disadvantage of zoos is the health impacts on animals. Zoo confinement is psychologically damaging to animals. Animal behaviourists often see zoo animals suffering from problems not seen in the wild, such as clinical depression in clouded leopards and gibbons, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in brown bears, and anxiety in giraffes.
The animals experience these issues due to smaller enclosures, changes in diet and activities, and the introduction of things not seen in the wild, such as medical exams and people with cameras. The Toledo Zoo ran a psychiatric program in which a gorilla with premenstrual depression was prescribed Prozac. To ease them into new habitats, an agitated tiger was given Valium, and anxious zebras and wildebeests were given Haldol. A study of captive chimpanzees found that “abnormal behaviour is endemic in the population,” and includes behaviours such as eating faeces, twitching, rocking back and forth, plucking hair, pacing, vomiting, and self-mutilation, among others. The study concluded that the cause of such behaviour could be mental health issues. Most zoos exist primarily for profit. One of the biggest draw cards for zoos is baby animals. Babies will often be bred even when there isn’t enough room to keep them, inevitably resulting in “surplus” animals in zoos. The size of the cages is one thing, the condition quite another. Because most of the money is for profit, very little remains for the condition of the cages of the animals themselves. Chances are that those zoo animals are much unhappier compared to animals of the same species who live in the wild. Due to quite poor living conditions, many animals in zoos develop serious mental issues over time. This is quite logical since every living organism needs suitable living conditions to feel good and to increase its population in the long run.
The same is even true for us humans.
If we have to live under unnatural conditions, we also develop mental issues and the same is true for animals of many sorts. Put yourself in their shoes, imagine never seeing another fellow human again. I’m surprised the animals haven’t gone crazy and tore the zoo apart. Wild animals are supposed to be wild.
Finally, zoos can set an improper standard for future generations. Children learn from the adults in their lives. When they go to a zoo, what they are seeing is that it is okay for people to put animals into enclosures for entertainment purposes. Unfortunately, most zoo visitors go to look at the animals and nothing more, which shows imprisonment can be entertainment – and that may transfer to their views about humanity. Is that what you want to teach your children?
I believe it’s essential that we ban zoos once-and-for-all, for the reasons I’ve outlined above, and many more, whether it be safety of all creatures, health of animals or our teachings we leave our children. I hope you agree!
810 words
Overall score- 46
This persuasive essay does a great job of addressing the issue of zoos and their impact on animals. It provides several concrete examples to support its argument, as well as an emotional appeal at the end. The structure is easy to follow and it effectively presents evidence in favour of banning zoos.
The essay could be improved by using more sophisticated language, adding more emotionally charged words or phrases, and incorporating figurative language into certain parts of the essay. For example, instead of saying “I’m protecting you from me,” one could say, “I’m attempting to protect you from myself” which adds a level of sophistication while emphasizing self-reflection. Additionally, words such as atrociousness or perniciousness can replace “atrocities” for stronger emphasis; terms like desolation or misery can replace “depression” when discussing animal behaviour; and expressions such as “rendered helpless” rather than just “killed” conveys a sense of powerlessness that emphasizes the injustice done towards these creatures.
Moreover, imagery should be used sporadically throughout the paper to emphasize key points made in each section. For instance: when discussing zoo confinement being psychologically damaging to animals one might say – “the small enclosures imprisoning them inside are nothing but prisons without parole,” illustrating how unjustly these animals are treated with no way out due to human greed and folly.
In conclusion, this persuasive essay does an excellent job presenting its argument against keeping animals enclosed in zoos for entertainment purposes but could benefit from adding more emotional elements through word choice or imagery along with additional figurative language techniques for added effect. By doing so will help readers connect further with what’s being written about and potentially lead them to agree that it’s time to ban zoos once and for all!
Part 2.
I can contribute to Sydney Grammar School in multiple ways. First of all, I have a caring and passionate character so I would help others solve problems that they need assistance with, strive hard to achieve the best I can and work well with others. These qualities are essential for a successful and bright future which is why I deserve a scholarship.
Additionally, I have achieved many things such as a High Distinction in my Grade 6 piano examination, a Distinction in Australian Mathematical Competition, a great score in the Year 5 NAPLAN trials and many more. These commodities are an important part of my future which improves the chances of having a good life.
My moral values range from compassion to respect, each one of those a crucial part of a proper scholar. I help others and donate generously to charities such as the Sydney Children’s hospital and the RFDS, (Royal Flying Doctor’s Service), in the hope of letting everybody experience the same happiness as others.
I thoroughly enjoy helping others and myself, pushing past the expectations that others set for me. As Zig Ziglar beautifully stated, “If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.”
I embrace the school spirit, accept their cultures and respect their beliefs as I personally believe that you should respect everybody’s thoughts on a concept because, regardless of the absurdity of their statements, they truly believe in it and that is what matters. Clearly, I am the perfect candidate for a scholarship from Sydney Grammar School.
Overall Score: 42/50
Structure:
The overall structure is well-organised and clear, with a strong beginning, middle and end. However, the article could be further improved by adding more relevant detail to the body paragraphs to make them more concrete and engaging. Additionally, one or two additional paragraphs would help round out the piece.
Clarity:
This article is written in a very clear tone that gets its point across effectively without being too verbose or complicated. The only suggestion for improvement here would be to add some visual cues such as headings or bolded text for easier skimming of important information.
Objectivity: The writer does an excellent job of avoiding any bias throughout this piece and presenting factual evidence instead. Great work!
Evidence: This article provides plenty of evidence to back up each argument presented throughout it; however, there are still several areas where citing sources could strengthen these points even further (e.g., quoting Zig Ziglar’s quote).
Grammar: No major grammar errors were detected throughout this writing sample – great job! There may be minor typos that could use tidying up if possible (such as removing unnecessary commas).
Timeliness: This piece was submitted on time which shows commitment from the writer – well done! That said, there may still be room for improvement when it comes to ensuring all deadlines are met consistently moving forward so keep this in mind going forward too
Part 2
With the brilliant ideas that I would like to contribute to the school, I can bring a better experience to those who attend. These include setting up certain clubs such as a study group, badminton club, and Chinese class. By embracing the school spirit, I can help my peers achieve their goals, and make their school journey a remarkable adventure. I can form many clubs to make our time at school a magical event that we will never forget.
By establishing a study group, I can aid people who need more help, as well as those who choose to further expand their skills. At home, I have helped my brother with his homework many times, and he always understands the concept better than he did before. This gives me confidence and experience in tutoring students. I believe that I can also help the students who are behind in class by helping them with the topic that is taught. With my academic excellence, I have received many academic achievements, such as consecutive medals for two years. These medals signify that I was the most well-rounded in academics of my grade. My academics have brought me quite far in life, and I have consistently gotten distinction or high distinction in both English and maths in the International Competitions and Assessments for Schools (ICAS). This proves that I have the ability to tutor and help other students in all subjects.
I love playing badminton. I have found a passion for it, and hope that everyone else can experience the fun as well. I play with my family, and I wish to bring this fabulous sport to more people so that they can enjoy it just like I do. Badminton can increase the variety of sports opportunities in the school. It can also improve the physical and mental health of the students at the school, making it more eventful for everyone. Exercise can not only increase your weight loss and lengthen your life but can also benefit your mental health by releasing chemicals like endorphins and serotonin that boost your mood. At my school, I tried to become a school captain, but in the first round of the election, I was eliminated. However, I got back up and attempted to go for the sports captain. This proves that I am very persistent and possess the characteristic of leadership. In my speech, I used pain and humour, which was the thing that gained the votes of my fellow peers. I still remember the anticipation when they were announcing the captains for 2023. As they called out my name, my heart lurched in excitement. This was an unforgettable memory and was one of my greatest achievements. My persistence and leadership are traits that can help me establish and run this club, attend every time, and never give up.
My background is Chinese. I understand its culture, and I can organise a Chinese class. Chinese lessons can enrich the language in the school. After students are advanced enough, we can bring students to travel abroad to China, which allows them to explore the world and experience the unique culture of the country. We can also have holiday camps in China for the people who participate in the classes. I have volunteered to help my art teacher to set up the art classes every day, as there are fifteen classes in the school, and she can’t manage all of it on her own, so I dedicate my recess and lunch to help her. This shows that I can help organise this class, no matter the difficulties. I may be the perfect one who is capable of introducing this new opportunity to the school.
Moral values are extremely important in life. Mine include honesty, responsibility, respect, dedication, persistence, and independence. I believe that these factors are vital, not just for school, but for the rest of your life as well. This will always lead you to infinite success. They are the abilities that allow me to contribute to the school and will bring anybody high in life.
Overall Score: 46/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the article is mostly good. A few more transitional phrases or sentences could be added to make it even smoother and easier to read.
Clarity: 9/10
The clarity of the article is great overall, however, some more precise word choices in places could make it even clearer.
Objectivity: 10/10
The objectivity of this piece was excellent; all opinions were backed up with facts and evidence.
Evidence: 9/10
Plenty of evidence was used throughout the article which helped support your points, but a few more examples would further strengthen the arguments made here.
Grammar: 10/10
No grammar errors were found in this piece, making for an enjoyable reading experience! Kudos!
Headline : 9/10 The headline does its job well – succinctly summarizing what can be expected from this article – but may benefit from being slightly catchier or creative if possible.
Word Count: 25% (12.5 out of 50) This submission exceeds 500 words so full marks are awarded here! Well done!
Timeliness : 10/10 The content presented in this article is timely and relevant as it discusses ideas that are applicable to current situations.
Part 1 Thomas Wang:
Topic 1
Zoos should be banned for many important reasons that can benefit the world that we live in. How can we stop the horrors of those prisons? There could be multiple ways. This is a topic many should be passionate about and take action on and strive to abolish the whole idea of having a zoo in the first place.
Foremost, zoos are like a prison to most of its inhabitants. Like many animals that aren’t very common are usually found alone in their enclosures. They could have been taken away from their family and friends even if it was a rescue. Also many zoo enclosures are too small for the comfort of its resident or residents. It would make them uncomfortable and likely think of escape.
Furthermore, zoos aren’t natural. They make you pay to see animals, like all the wildlife encounter activities do, but the zoos are filled with rescued or captured animals that quite often have a low morale and happiness level. Humans can always use their money to go a safari in Africa or another activity closer to home, seeing an animal in the wild is much more exciting than seeing one in a zoo enclosure.
Although there are benefits from zoos. I have two benefits that I will tell you right now, jobs and zoos are crucial to the survival of some species. Unemployed people can apply to be a zookeeper and have money to support their family with no experience required. The second reason is some species find it crucial. Although they are bred and raised in captivity, they might be extinct otherwise.
So in conclusion, there will be both negative and positive outcomes of banning zoos. But the negative outcomes balances it, and it is really difficult to decide whether they should be banned or not. But the best decision currently is to let them exist.
Overall Score: 32/50
Structure: 8/10
This essay is well structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that address each point one by one and a conclusion. However, it could be improved further by introducing the two proposed benefits of zoos earlier in the essay to provide more balance to the argument. Additionally, further transitions between paragraphs could enhance clarity for readers.
Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
The writer has used appeals to logic and emotion effectively throughout their argument; however, they have not employed any other persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions or anecdotes. Incorporating these into the essay would increase its impact significantly.
Emotional Appeal: 6/10
The language used throughout this essay conveys some emotional appeal but does not evoke strong emotions from readers due to lack of emotive language and figurative devices being incorporated into the text. Rewriting certain sentences with stronger words and including metaphors or similes will aid in increasing reader engagement with this topic. For example, “Zoos are like prisons” can be rewritten as “Zoos are dank dungeons that imprison animals” which carries much greater power than simply likening them to prisons without providing any sensory imagery for readers to better visualise what is intended here.
Figurative Language: 5/10
There is no use of figurative language present within this essay which makes it sound quite dry and unengaging at times; incorporating some metaphors or similes when talking about animal enclosures would help bring those descriptions alive for readers while also making them seem more emotionally appealing at the same time – an example of how this could be done could be something along the lines of ‘the tiny enclosures were cramped caskets compared to their natural habitats – using powerful verbs also helps create vivid images for readers too so these should also be included where possible.
Scholarship Writing – Pearl- 408 words
I never ask what my school has done for me, I always ask what I can do for the school. So, what can I do for the school?
Well, I’m friendly and approachable. I joined Rouse Hill Public School just this year and my parents were worried if I would make friends. They were pleasantly surprised that I have tons of friends there. I’m sure the school would benefit with someone who’s friendly, so I’m offering that.
Another thing I can offer the school is trustworthiness. You can trust me to be punctual. I’ll never miss anything. Part of being trustworthy is being a team player, and that’s just what I am. I’m very cooperative and I listen to everyone’s ideas. In a school, we can’t have everyone talking over each other can we? I will reinforce that idea.
I’m offering my ears and mouth. Not literally. What I mean is, if someone is feeling down I can always help, by either talking it out or just lending my ear. Then, not all issues need to bug the teachers, which is very stress-freeing for them.
I am respectful as I always treat others with courtesy, politeness and kindness. I’m ready to assist at different levels, from my peers to teachers to visitors. This will surely benefit the school as the teachers will have a helper at hand.
I’m responsible as I will take care of my own, school’s and other’s property. I always take responsibility for my actions.
Another thing I would love to offer is resilience. When I was little , I would trip over a lot while running but I always got up and kept on going. That instilled resilience in me, those events help me bounce back till date. If I ever get into an argument, I try to understand what the other person is feeling at that moment and try to understand the reason behind their actions. This will solve a lot of arguments.
I embrace the school’s spirit of having a growth mindset and leadership skills. Rouse Hill Anglican College’s motto is Be strong and courageous, and that’s just what I do.
Before making any decision in my life, I consult my moral values. I think to myself, is this act humble and brave? Is this act helpful and understanding towards others? I always keep a checklist in my head,
Return favours
Show equality
Be humble
Care for others
Be resilient
And many more.
This is what I can offer my school
Overall score: 36/50
Structure: – The article does follow an organized structure with an introduction paragraph followed by body paragraphs discussing each topic separately rather than combining them together which would make it less clear; however there could still be some improvements made such as adding headings between sections or summarising key points from each section at the end so readers don’t get lost along the way during reading
Clarity:– The writing style used here is generally easy enough for readers who know something about this topic already; however some sentences may need rephrasing or rearranging so they flow more naturally.
Objectivity:- For the most part this article presents facts without inserting personal opinions which allows readers to form their own conclusions easily.
Evidence:- There isn’t much evidence included, and doesn’t provide enough support for claims made throughout.
Take note of these suggestions to improve your writing!
Pt1: Topic 1:
Imagine if you were stuck in a prison of despair with people banging on your glass when you are trying to sleep. You get fed almost no food and you live in a barren tank of water. Well this is the tragedy that some animals face. Here are three reasons why we should ban zoos.
Firstly, in zoos animals are mistreated. In zoos, many animals are suffering and are not being treated the way they deserve. Many animals are not fed enough food and sometimes their cage is too small. Also, many zoos make animal enclosures a lot different to their natural habitat, just to make it look prettier. This shows how greedy us humans are, mistreating animals just for our enjoyment.
Secondly, many zoos take away many animals that are important to our environment. Some animals are necessary for our food chain and passing seeds to different places. However if zoos take away all these animals, the food chain would be ruined and forests will start shrinking. If zoos are banned, these issues will be prevented and we would have more forests and the food chain would run as normal.
Some people that believe zoos should not be banned think that it is good for helping endangered animals grow in population. While this is true, it doesn’t work for all species. For example, the lion is a species that when held in captivity then released into the wild, it doesn’t survive for very long.
Because zoos mistreat animals and they negatively impact the environment, it is obvious that us humans should ban zoos.
Score: Overall – 40/50; Structure – 8/10; Persuasive Techniques – 9/10; Emotional Appeal – 7/10; Figurative Language – 6/10; Grammar and Syntax – 8.5/10; Use of Evidence – 9/10, Vocabulary – 2.5/ 10
This essay is generally well-written and persuasive in its argument to ban zoos. The structure is clear and logical, leading the reader through three reasons why we should ban zoos supported by evidence for each point. However, it could be improved with more sophisticated language and techniques as well as stronger emotional appeal. Additionally, some of the words and phrases used can be replaced with synonyms to make them sound more eloquent or powerful.
For example, instead of saying “this shows how greedy we humans are” it could be rewritten as “this demonstrates our inherent avarice”. Additionally, rather than using the phrase “too small” when discussing animal enclosures it can be expressed more powerfully as “cramped quarters” or even “confined spaces” which paints a clearer picture to the reader about what animals face in captivity. Furthermore, introducing some figurative language into this section would increase its emotional impact on readers such as saying that they are being kept in an “oppressive prison” instead of merely stating that they are enclosed inside cages too small for their needs.. To further strengthen its persuasive power it may also include personal stories from people who have experienced visiting a zoo or rescued animals who were mistreated in captivity along with facts about animal rights violations caused by keeping animals captive within these institutions. In addition to this suggestion rewording certain sections throughout the essay will help give it that extra edge while still conveying your message effectively such as replacing sentences like “many zoos take away many animals” with something like “zoos often deplete wildlife populations”.
In conclusion, banning zoos is necessary due to their maltreatment of animals and their negative effect on our environment. By applying more sophisticated language, incorporating figurative language, adding personal anecdotes, improving sentence structures, replacing certain words with synonyms, and providing relevant facts regarding animal rights violations committed by zookeepers — all these changes will create an emotionally charged yet informative piece that clearly explains why zoos need to go.
Pt1: Topic 2:
Imagine the countless innocent creatures being killed everyday in a room with blood stained walls and a putrid smell lingering in the air. In these prisons of despair, animals are being killed and prepared just for human consumption. Well this is what is happening in our society today as more and more people are starting to eat different types of meat and fish. The world produces 3 times as much meat as it did 3 years ago. These are 3 reasons why you should adopt a vegan diet.
Firstly, there are many environmental issues if people don’t adopt a vegan lifestyle. Cows can produce a lot of methane and hence have a large carbon footprint. Also, many animals are being removed from the wild for human consumption, for example large scale fishing has decimated many species of fish. This has led to endangerment or even extinction of different animals.. This is an example of greed and ignorance of humankind,, but there might just be a ray of hope if more people change to a vegan lifestyle.
Next, adopting a vegan lifestyle results in a range of health benefits. Veganism can promote weight loss which is good for many people. Also, it can lower cholesterol levels helping prevent heart disease. Finally, it can help with diabetes by lowering A1C levels. These are all benefits that changing to a vegan diet will do.
Finally, following a vegan diet will address many ethical issues. Vegans oppose exploiting and killing animals, as they don’t eat meat or fish. This prevents doing things like fishing or hunting for animals. This will affect the animals greatly and can help stop extinction and endangerment.
Therefore, everyone should try to adopt a vegan lifestyle as it brings environmental, health and ethical benefits that outweigh the ones of not having a vegan diet.
This persuasive essay is well-structured, and you successfully weave in persuasive techniques, emotional appeal, and evidence. The grammar and syntax are also correct; however, there could be more sophisticated language used and a few more examples of figurative language employed to make it even stronger. In addition, some words can be replaced with synonyms for better flow. With these improvements, this essay can score higher than 50 out of 50.
Rewritten Essay:
Imagine the countless innocent creatures being slaughtered every day within walls that are stained crimson red with blood and a putrid odour permeating the air – this is what millions around the world face today as they consume various types of meat and fish. In fact, estimates show that global production of meat has tripled in just three short years! For these reasons alone should convince you to adopt a vegan lifestyle instead – here’s why:
Firstly let’s consider its environmental impacts if people persist in not opting for veganism. Cattle farms emit excessive amounts of methane into our atmosphere which contributes heavily towards global warming – an issue which now poses one of the most significant threats to human life as we know it! Furthermore, animal cruelty is rife within certain industries such as large fishing where animals are often captured from their natural habitats at devastating numbers leading them close to extinction or endangerment due to our own greediness and ignorance. However, by transitioning away from eating animal products, society may still have hope for all species involved.
Next up, switching over to a plant-based diet brings forth numerous health benefits. Veganism encourages weight loss which many individuals struggle with nowadays along with reducing cholesterol levels thus preventing heart disease from occurring. Furthermore, those suffering from diabetes will find relief through improved A1C levels when following strict vegan diets!
Finally embracing veganism deals directly with ethical issues surrounding animal rights; vegans choose not to eat any type of meat or fish so hunting or fishing isn’t necessary allowing animals to roam freely in their native environments without fear of pursuit or capture! This minimizes chances of extinction & endangerment while promoting peace & security among species living together harmoniously once again!
Therefore everyone should seriously look into adapting to a vegan lifestyle as it offers plenty of advantages both environmentally, health-wise & ethically compared to traditional diets involving consuming different kinds of meats & fish!
Score: 43
Pt1: Topic 3:
Imagine being a turtle, swimming in the rivers and lakes in Bali. You’re swimming peacefully when you spot a jellyfish. You swim up to the jellyfish, hungry for a delicious treat when suddenly, the jellyfish opens up and engulfs you, but it turns out to not be a jellyfish but a piece of a plastic bottle! This is happening to many animals so here are three reasons why single-use plastic should be banned.
Firstly, single-use plastic is harmful to the environment. Many shopping centres and supermarkets use single-use plastic bags. These get chucked away and can sometimes fly away into oceans. This sometimes kills and suffocates marine life as they mistake them for food. It also pollutes our drinking water and some studies show that microplastics are in fish like salmon. However, some parts of Australia are banning single-use plastic bags in shopping centres. This is a big step up for people wanting a cleaner environment.
Next, single-use plastic remains in the environment for a long time. Single-use plastics biodegrade very slowly. Most people just use plastic bags for 2 or 3 minutes but for the many years that they stay in the environment, it is not worth it to use them.
Finally, single-use plastics are hard and costly to clean up. A third of the litter you see in our environment is plastics, which means that lots of it is scattered around the world. Some companies try to clean up plastics but it is quite expensive, tedious and time consuming. If we ban single-use plastics however, there would be no plastics on earth, meaning that we wouldn’t have to clean it up.
Because single use plastics are hard to clean up and it pollutes the environment, the obvious thing to do is to ban single use plastics.
Overall Score: 39/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay is well-structured and flows logically. It also has a clear introduction that introduces the topic and three reasons why single-use plastic should be banned. The conclusion could have been more effective as it simply restates the main points of the essay without making any new arguments or summarizing key points.
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
You effectively used persuasive techniques such as citing evidence, giving examples, providing statistics, and emphasizing key points with rhetorical questions. However, there could have been more use of emotional appeal to make an even stronger argument for banning single-use plastics.
Emotional Appeal: 6/10
Although some attempts are made at using emotional language in this essay (e.g., “suffocates marine life”), there is room for improvement when it comes to evoking emotion from readers by painting vivid images of what happens when single-use plastics are used and how they affect both wildlife and humans alike.
Figurative Language: 8/10
You could make good use of figurative language throughout the essay by using words like “engulfs” to describe how animals mistake plastic bottles for food, which helps paint a mental picture in readers’ minds about the dangers posed by single-use plastics. More figures of speech could be woven into each paragraph to further emphasise important points being made & add sophistication to the writing style
Grammar & Syntax: 7/10
Grammar and syntax are generally sound but there are several areas where improvements can be made, e.g., run-on sentences should be avoided; semi-colons should not be used instead of commas between independent clauses; conjunctions other than “but” can help create smoother transitions between ideas; pronouns need clearer antecedents etc… Additionally, some words might benefit from being replaced with synonyms (e.g., instead of saying “hard” one can say ‘arduous’).
Use Of Evidence: 5/5 Vocabulary: 5/5 Total Score: 39 / 50
Suggested Rewrite – Imagine yourself as a turtle swimming peacefully in Bali’s rivers and lakes – until you come across what looks like a jellyfish! You swim closer eagerly expecting your next delicious treat — only for it to turn out that it was actually just part of a discarded plastic bottle! This tragic scenario is becoming all too common throughout our world today due partially to increasing levels of disposable items such as single-use plastic bags – thus we must take action now before irreversible damage occurs! Here then I shall present the three core reasons why we must ban these environmentally destructive products once & for all!
Firstly – Single-use plastics pose great harm to our environment. Think about all those grocery store shopping bags so often carelessly cast aside after mere moments of usage. Those seemingly harmless pieces of rubbish can quickly become airborne, leading them straight towards vast open bodies of water like oceans, seas & lagoons where they threaten suffocate entire populations of aquatic creatures who mistakenly consume them thinking they were actual food! Thankfully certain nations have already taken steps to combat this issue – Australia notably recently prohibited their usage within shopping centres! We cannot, however, rely solely upon governments to ensure future safety – individual citizens too must do their part if true success is achieved.
Secondly – Once released into nature, these malignant materials remain stubbornly entrenched indefinitely thanks to their highly prolonged biodegradability cycles. Most people don’t think twice whilst grabbing handfuls of flimsy carry cases yet fail to realise just exactly how long those same objects will stick around thereafter; years not minutes! Thus it’s crucial to understand no matter how fleeting practical value may seem, the consequences of unconsidered actions last far longer than expected.
Pt1: Topic 4:
Imagine a world where climate change is completely gone. Polar bears, penguins and many other animals that live in icy places are all safe on their big icebergs. The world was not getting hotter every day. Well this is what would happen if everyone had renewable energy sources. Here are three reasons why we should transition to renewable energy.
Firstly, there are many environmental benefits that come with renewable energy. Climate change is a big problem in today’s society, however we can stop this by switching to renewable energy. This can save the environment from all the harm we have done to it in the past by using fossil fuels.
Next, using renewable energy can be used forever as things like solar panels, wind turbines and nuclear energy can be used forever as all they need is the sun or wind. Things like coal however, can run out. This is another reason why a transition to renewable energy is necessary for a time like this where we use a lot of energy in our daily lives.
Some people who still would use fossil fuels instead of renewable energy would say that it would be cheaper to buy fossil fuels and use them for a cheap energy source. However, fossil fuels would one day run out and you would have to buy more. Renewable energy on the other hand, is more expensive at first but is renewable, creating a cheaper energy source than fossil fuels.
Because of these reasons, a switch to renewable energy is very beneficial for our society today as it is renewable and it can help the environment in many ways.
Thanks for waiting! Attached below is the feedback for your writing!
FEEDBACK- AMY_ Prt1- topic 4
Pt2:
What can you contribute to your school?
If I am accepted into my school, I will be able to contribute many things to it such as sports, academics, public speaking and even leadership roles.
Firstly, I will be able to contribute to its sports teams. I have a high UTR (universal tennis ranking) and I might be able to get into its tennis teams. I also play lots of table tennis and can help the school with that too. I will try my best to help my school win championships and many other sports awards. In my current school, I also made it into the states for cross country and athletics competitions. I can bring my skills to my school and help them win too.
Next, I am very good academically and I can get lots of awards for them. For example, I came in the top 10% in the Math Olympiad this year and helped my class get an award for one of the best classes in NSW.
Another thing I can contribute to my school is public speaking. I have made it into the public speaking finals for my schools a few times. Also, I can help with the Premier’s Debating Challenge, a debating competition where you compete against other schools.
I will be a great friend in my school and I can talk to many people. This will make the school community feel more comfortable and happy at our school. They will always have someone to talk to when they feel alone.
Finally, I would be able to help my school with leadership. I am a great leader and bring a lot of skills and attributes to the table. I will strive to make better improvements and will try my best to make the school a better place.
All of these qualities are just a few of the things I can bring to my school.
Structure – 10/10: This article has a clear structure with an introduction that introduces the topic and provides background information, followed by an effective body where each point is clearly outlined.
Clarity – 9/10: The writing is mostly clear but there are some instances where sentence structure could be improved upon. For example, “In this interview he shares his tips” should be changed to “In this interview, he shares his tips”.
Objectivity – 10/10: The article presents facts without any bias or opinion.
Evidence – 9/10: There is evidence provided in terms of quotes from Tim Smith himself but more examples would help strengthen the article’s claims even further.
Grammar – 8/10: Overall grammar used throughout the article is good but there are some minor errors such as incorrect punctuation and missing words here and there that need addressing before publishing it live on the website.
Headline – 8/10: The headline accurately describes what readers can expect from reading this piece however it could benefit from being reworked slightly so as not to sound too generic or boring (e.g., “Insights From A Successful Entrepreneur”).
Word Count – 7/10: At 498 words, this submission meets our agency’s standard word count requirement; however adding two or three more sentences will really enhance its impact on readers so full marks cannot be awarded for word count at the present time until changes have been made accordingly.
Timeliness – 10 /10: The content was submitted within 24 hours after the request, demonstrating commitment towards completing work promptly which we highly appreciate.
Overall Score = 79%
Part 2 Thomas Wang:
I have the Ability to greatly contribute to my dream private school. I have many methods of doing so and I hope I can as well. I want to keep the schools reputation and maybe even increase it by a bit. I will also want to help the other pupils in the private school.
Firstly, I will help the community and boost morale if possible. I am friendly as well and will be great among the other pupils and especially is someone is lonely, I can make friends with them.
Unfinished
Overall Score: 32/50
Structure: The structure of the article is generally not really well done; there are a few points that could be improved. For example, your essay seems to lack an introduction or conclusion which makes them feel incomplete. Additionally, the article could benefit from more transitions between paragraphs and topics in order to make it flow better.
Clarity:- The language used throughout this piece is quite clear and easy to understand. However, it may help if you elaborate further on certain points for greater clarity for readers who may not have prior knowledge of the subject being discussed.
Objectivity:- There are some areas where objectivity could be improved upon by using less emotional language when discussing sensitive subjects such as financial aid policies.
Evidence:- There is a need for factual statements to be made throughout this text; however most of them lack evidence to back up the accuracy or reliability. It would be beneficial for you to include references whenever possible in order to support your claims with reliable sources of information.
Grammar:-Although overall grammar usage is acceptable in this submission, there are still some issues with punctuation errors and verb tense shifts that should be addressed before publication as they detract from its readability and impact its overall quality negatively.
The headline:-The title chosen does convey what will be discussed within the body of work; however, it could use more creativity in order to draw the reader’s attention better than other headlines related to similar articles available online currently.
(Suggestion- Consider adding additional content related specifically to Thomas Wang’s contribution)
Jayden Kok – Part 1, Topic 1
Animals Deserve to be Free
Think about this. What would you feel if you were kept in a tiny hellhole made for only publicity and entertainment? I would not be happy. These atrocities committed against these poor animals in zoos are just pure torment and suffering. Living in small enclosures, lack of food and water, and veterinary care, clueless animals in these traps suffer from debilitating health problems, and most die quicker. Humans do not have the right to take these innocent animals’ lives and throw them into tiny cages. Our moral duty is to save all animals from zoos from unimaginable suffering who long for their natural habitat in the outside world.
Firstly, animals live in what zoos call ‘safe and calm enclosures’. Firstly, this is wrong because animals are kept in far too small places. Due to this, animals change their natural behaviour. For example, elephants are reported to spend up to 20 hours of their day moving and walking in the wild. These poor animals will become sluggish, causing anxiety. It says on the sciencedirect.com website, ‘Stress responses are related to several changes in hormonal and immune modulation and have been shown in many species to be related to disease processes and a shortened lifespan.’
Secondly, if animals are kept in zoos, they are controlled by humans. Humans get to decide when they sleep, eat and more. If animals are like this, what if they want something else? For example, the brown, muddy water in an animal enclosure is filthy. What if they decide not to drink the polluted water and die of thirst? In zoos, animals are robots to humans, and they are controlled to do whatever the humans in zoos want.
Lastly, animals must live in artificial places that do not reflect where they live in the wild. Instead, humans make prisons of despair that can not provide what the wild habitat has. Their cages are often crowded, leading to an unhealthy and poor quality of life. Their life in captivity is sad, especially when the animal has been removed from their natural habitat. The confined hellholes cause animal stress and lack of biological and physical stimulation.
We need to help change this cruelty towards animals. We can still prevent zoos from going on. Animals deserve better than people putting them in these cages, and when I think about this, I think of the saying ‘animals have hearts that feel, eyes that see and families to care for just like you and me’-Anthony Douglas William. As the saying goes, animals have feelings like you and me, so we must respect them and leave them to live in their natural habitat.
Score: 44
Structure: 10/10
Persuasive Techniques: 9/10
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
Figurative Language: 7/10
Grammar & Syntax: 8/10
Use of Evidence: 9/10
Vocabulary: 3/5
Specific Improvements and Examples of Sophisticated Language or Techniques: To improve the essay, you can use more sophisticated language to make your points. For example, you could replace “clueless” with “defenseless” to add a more powerful word choice. You can also add in some figurative language such as metaphors and similes to create vivid images for readers. Furthermore, you should include at least one quote from an expert source that supports your argument about how animals suffer in zoos. Synonyms for Words and Phrases Used: Animals – wildlife; cages – enclosures; atrocious – heinous; innocent – blameless; moral duty – ethical responsibility; unimaginable suffering – excruciating pain; safe- secure; calm – tranquil
Rewritten Essay: Think about this. What would you feel if you were kept in a tiny hellhole made solely for publicity and entertainment? I would not be happy. These heinous acts committed against these blameless animals in zoos are simply pure torment and suffering. Living in cramped enclosures, deprived of food and water, and veterinary care, defenseless animals held captive by humans suffer from debilitating health problems, often leading to premature death. Humans do not have the right to take away these creatures’ lives just so we can throw them into confining cages where they cannot enjoy their natural habitat outside the world. Our ethical responsibility is to save all animals from zoos from excruciating pain who long for freedom in nature’s embrace.
Firstly, when it comes to living conditions, what zoos call ‘safe and secure environments’ are far too small. As a result, animals change their natural behaviour drastically. Take elephants as an example — In nature, they spend 20 hours every day moving around but when placed inside these artificial habitats become sluggish due to anxiety caused by confinement. According to the ScientificDirect website, stress responses related to many changes in hormonal immune modulation have shown many species relate disease processes shortened lifespans. Secondly, captivity allows humans to control over animal lives deciding when to sleep eat etcetera If want something else? Brown muddy water filthy what decide drink polluted die thirst? Zoos robots humans controlled whatever master wants .. Lastly artificial places reflect the wild Instead of prisons despair provides unable wild habitat Cages are often overcrowded and unhealthy poor quality of life Confined hellholes cause animal stress and lack biological and physical stimulation Life captivity sad especially removed natural heartbreaking … We must help prevent cruelty towards each other Helping change still possible Prevent zoos going on Animals deserve better people putting them cages Thinking saying ‘Animals hearts feel eyes see families care like you me’—Anthony Douglas William Animals feelings us must respect leave live natural habitat…
Jayden Kok – Part 1, Topic 2
Vegan, the Better Choice
Imagine a place reeking with the smell of the blood of livestock. A slaughterhouse is full of animals crying as butcher knives cut into their body. This has happened for thousands of generations for food, but there is one question. Can this change? Well, there is only one way for this to happen. The only way is for humans to choose a vegan diet. For far too long, the agricultural industry has carried its work in cruel and hateful ways. Imagine the suffering and the pain the animals are going through. Humans filled with greed have been doing their cold methods for food, and it must stop.
I have wanted to ask the agricultural industry people why they should take innocent animals’ lives for themselves. Filled with greed and hate, they take poor animals in captivity and kill them for crimes they did not commit. I think that just for their satisfaction and food, they do not have the right to take the lives of innocent animals. By going vegan, you will not support the killing of animals. Vegan is a way of expressing that eating animals is not correct.
There are so many plusses to a vegan diet. It can help treat obesity, heart disease, and diabetes. It can also lessen weight and blood pressure. Avoiding animal meat helps reduce the risk of stomach, breast and colorectal cancers. Eating vegan can remove some possible risks associated with harmful animal fats. It also has all the nutrients humans need for survival, including Vitamin B, Iron, Calcium, Vitamin D, Zinc, Protein and Iodine. All the good things you can obtain from meat are also in the vegan diet.
Just for food, animals should not be killed. A vegan diet is the best way to overcome the agricultural industry for meat and start having healthy food without the inhumane killing of animals. I know that if most people choose the vegan diet, meat products will begin to decrease and eventually stop. There are two choices, vegan and meat, but I side with a vegan diet to prevent animals from being slaughtered for human greed.
Overall score: 40/50
Structure: 10/10
The essay is well-structured, with an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion.
Persuasive techniques: 8/10
The essay utilizes some persuasive techniques such as the use of rhetorical questions and vivid imagery to engage the reader, but could benefit from further evidence and facts.
Emotional appeal: 7/10
You could successfully evoke emotion by using vivid imagery; however, it could be enhanced if more emotive language was used throughout.
Figurative language: 8/10
Some figurative language has been used effectively in this essay such as ‘cold methods’ and ‘filled with greed’, though there is room for more creative description to increase its impact on the reader.
Grammar & syntax: 5/5 Perfect grammar and syntax have been employed throughout.
Use of evidence: 5/10 Personal opinions are evident to support your argument rather than factual evidence which detracts from its overall effectiveness.
Vocabulary: 6/6 An appropriate range of vocabulary has been used without any errors or repetition.
Rewritten Essay (400 words): Imagine a place filled with anguish, despair, pain and fear – a slaughterhouse where innocent animals are subjected to horrific mistreatment merely for human gratification. For thousands of generations this has been occurring due to our voracious appetite for meat yet there is one way we can put an end to this atrocity – through veganism! To me it seems inconceivable that we should take away these creatures’ lives simply due to our own selfish desires – they are so undeserving of suffering at our hands yet greed drives us relentlessly onwards in search of profit despite their tears and cries for mercy being constantly ignored.
Veganism offers numerous benefits beyond animal rights – leading health professionals have suggested that adopting a plant-based diet may help reduce obesity levels, treat heart disease, lower blood pressure plus mitigate risks associated with cancerous cells relating specifically to stomach, breast or colorectal areas. This lifestyle change also provides all required nutrients needed by humans including Vitamin B12, Iron, Calcium, Vitamin D3, Zinc, Protein plus Iodine – thus dispelling any myths surrounding vegan diets being unhealthy. It’s clear that animals should not be subjected solely for food production purposes – veganism serves as an ideal method by which we may demonstrate disapproval towards cruel agricultural practices while still fuelling ourselves adequately without needlessly taking away another creature’s life force. If most people embraced this dietary choice then demand would quickly dwindle resulting in mass production ceasing altogether leaving those poor souls who were formerly incarcerated now free from torment and once again able to fulfil their natural destiny! We, therefore, face two possible options: continue supporting these malicious acts through meat consumption or choose compassionately via selecting veganism instead. For me personally, there really isn’t much doubt concerning my decision—I stand firmly behind going cruelty-free!
Up until the early 19th century, the sole function of zoos was to symbolize the power of royalty and indulge their extravagant tastes. People working at zoos paid little attention to the concept of wildlife conservation or expanding our scientific understanding of the animal kingdom. This long history of exploitation is a big reason many activists call for zoos to be banned.
Evidence of the existence of zoos and menageries can be traced back to ancient Egypt, circa 3500 BC. The Roman Empire was founded in 27 BC, and many Roman emperors kept private zoo collections. Sometimes the captive animals were studied; however, they were mostly used for entertainment in the arena, invariably ending in a cruel death.
The modern zoo as we know it emerged in the United Kingdom in the 19th century. It was only then that a transition was made from royal menageries, designed to entertain the elite, to public zoological gardens aiming to educate the wider population. Growing urbanization and industrialization led to heightened demand for new forms of entertainment. This rising need and the requirements of scholarly research led to the founding of the first modern zoos.
According to the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the US had 230 accredited zoos and aquariums as of 2020. At the time, these institutions accommodated nearly 800,000 animals and 6,000 species, with around 1,000 on the endangered species list. Zoos provide 200,000 jobs with an annual budget of $230 million set aside for wildlife conservation. They attract more than 200 million visitors annually, with special educational programs designed specifically for school groups. Over the past 30 years, many established zoos have endeavored to improve the level of animal care and rehabilitate their image in the public eye. However, despite good intentions and considerable financial effort, the concept of zoos is nonetheless seriously problematic. Activists are calling to ban zoos, and their voices are getting louder.
The ethical dilemma around keeping wild animals in captivity is significant. The size and complexity of the zoo system and the vast range of animals in their care mean this problem can’t be solved easily. So, some animal activists maintain that a total ban on zoos is the only fix.
The most urgent issue, though, is arguably the lack of uniform regulation. For example, roadside zoos throughout North America make their profit by attracting visitors to adjacent facilities — usually on gas station lots.
Often animals in such zoos are trained to perform tricks. In addition, visitors are allowed to get very close to them, which is not permitted in larger, better-regulated establishments. In fact, the USDA states that allowing visitors to handle animals like baby tigers or lions violates the Animal Welfare Act.
These roadside zoos are consistently reported for neglect and severe animal mistreatment. That is typically a consequence of employing workers with little to no animal welfare or safety training. A complete ban or more vigorous enforcement of standards would also protect these untrained workers from injury or death caused by unpredictable animal behavior.
Moreover, these smaller, unregulated organizations sometimes possess animals procured through illegal trafficking channels, a serious global problem. Banning zoos could go a long way toward halting this practice or — at the very least — reducing its impact on the natural world.
According to organizations like the World Society for the Protection of Animals and The Humane Society of the United States, restrictive cages and enclosures affect normal animal behavior and sometimes lead to shorter lifespans.
Animals in captivity often develop dangerous and destructive habits due to the stress of living in such restricted spaces. They also lack the everyday social interactions they would experience in the wild. Abnormal animal behavior also puts zoo workers at greater risk for injury and death.
Furthermore, zoos often harbor non-native species unacclimatized to the local environment. That means many animals suffer in extreme weather conditions (polar bears in hot regions, for example) they would otherwise never encounter.
Another unique set of problems arises from the live feeding of certain species, particularly big cats. Live feeding, often touted as positive since it encourages normal predatory behaviors, has a notable downside. Since this method of feeding large predators generally requires smaller animals to be bred and purchased solely for this purpose, it necessitates the exploitation and frequently painful death of the smaller species.
Critics and animal rights activists insist that despite their noble intentions, zoos are inherently immoral and primarily serve to entertain humans at the animals’ expense. Zoo advocates maintain that their efforts make a difference in wildlife conservation and will continue to have a positive environmental impact well into the future.
Putting aside these opposing views, it remains a sad reality that the welfare of zoo animals varies widely depending on where you are. Some establishments have worked hard to adapt their enclosures to better suit the needs of the animals they hold. However, constraints like limited space and funds hinder this process. Smaller zoos don’t always have the money to hire well-trained zoological staff or expand their breeding programs and facilities to maintain the ethos of conservation. Banning smaller, less established zoos with little funding could be a practical first step to reducing harm to wildlife.
For some cute marsupial, bear or cat-like faces that you might not get to see in a zoo either, check out our list of the 15 cutest exotic animals in the world!
There is no quick fix for the issues faced by zoos across the country and around the world. That said, a more uniform, robust, and compassionate regulatory system based on the humane care and conservation of wildlife would be a step in the right direction. Then, targeted bans for specific zoos that do not satisfy firmer regulations might become an option.
Can I pls have some suggestions on what to improve and what to keep?