Scholarship G2 W8 Writing
- February 12, 2023
- 1:29 pm
- 33 Comments
Prompt 11: Write a persuasive essay arguing for or against the use of social media.
Exemplar:
I have a dream of a world where people can connect and communicate with one another in meaningful and powerful ways, where technology can be used to bring us closer together, and not to push us further apart. A world where social media is used to foster relationships and build community, not to spread hatred and division.
Social media has become an integral part of our lives, and has enabled us to stay connected with friends and family, no matter where we are in the world. It has also opened up a whole new world of opportunities, allowing us to reach out to people we never would have otherwise met.
However, there are also some very real and dangerous consequences associated with social media. It can be a cesspool of hate and negativity, where people spew vile and hateful words in the name of “free speech” and “opinion”. It can also be a breeding ground for cyberbullying and online harassment.
For these reasons, I am against the use of social media. Social media can be a powerful tool, but it can also be a source of great harm and destruction. We need to be mindful of the ways in which we use social media, and make sure that it is not used to spread hatred, division, and bullying.
My dream is a world where social media is used to create and foster meaningful relationships, and where it is used to bring us closer together, not to push us further apart. A world where we are mindful of the ways in which we use social media, and where we are conscious of the possible consequences of our words and actions.
We must also consider the psychological effects of social media on our mental health. Social media can be a source of stress and anxiety, and can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. We must be mindful of the ways in which we use social media and how it can affect our mental health.
In conclusion, I believe that social media can be a powerful tool, but we must be mindful of the way we use it and the possible consequences of our words and actions. We must also consider the psychological effects of social media on our mental health, and strive to create a world where social media is used to bring us closer together, not to push us further apart.
Prompt 12: Write a persuasive essay on the importance of incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum.
We live in a world of dreams, aspirations, and creativity. The dreams that we hold in our hearts, the aspirations that we strive for, and the creativity that we use to make our dreams a reality, all come from within. It is in this spirit that we must recognize the importance of incorporating more art and music into the curriculum.
The incorporation of art and music into the curriculum can help to bring out the creativity and imagination of our students. It can help to inspire them and give them a platform to express their ideas. By exploring different forms of art and music, students can learn to think outside the box and find new ways to express themselves. They can learn to appreciate the beauty of the world around them and use this appreciation to create something truly unique.
Art and music can also help to foster collaboration and communication between students. Through the use of art and music, students can learn to work together to create something beautiful. This can help to build relationships and create a sense of community among students that can last long after their school years are over.
In addition, the introduction of art and music can help to make learning fun and engaging. Through the use of art and music, teachers can create interactive, immersive, and engaging learning experiences. This can help to keep students interested and motivated and can help to ensure that they are actively engaged in the learning process.
Finally, art and music can help to promote mental and emotional wellbeing. Through the use of art and music, students can learn to express their emotions and find ways to cope with stress and anxiety. It can also help to promote creativity and critical thinking skills, which can be invaluable in their future careers.
The incorporation of art and music into the curriculum is vital if we are to ensure that our students receive the best possible education. It can help to bring out the creativity and imagination of our students, foster collaboration and communication, make learning fun and engaging, and promote mental and emotional wellbeing. If we are to prepare our students for the future, it is essential that we embrace art and music and incorporate them into the curriculum.
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Prompt 11: You are a pirate searching for a hidden treasure.
The sea was wild and untamed, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure…
Exemplar:
The sea was as wild and untamed as a storm, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps with a sharp eye. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure.
As I sailed across the sea, I felt a strange sense of awe and reverence. The moon shone down upon the waves, and I felt as if I was sailing through a dream. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the sea, and I could almost hear the whispers of the past. I could feel the power of the treasure I was searching for, and I was filled with a strange sense of elation and joy.
I eventually arrived at the spot where I was certain the treasure was hidden. I dropped anchor and stepped off the boat, my heart racing with excitement. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the beauty and power of the land, and I was filled with a strange sense of peace and comfort. I could almost feel the energy of the treasure, and I was determined to find it.
I searched the beach, carefully examining every rock and crevice. I eventually spotted an old chest, and I knew I had found what I was looking for. I quickly opened it, and I could hardly believe my eyes. Inside was the treasure I had been searching for, gleaming and shimmering in the moonlight. I had done it. I had found the hidden treasure.
I carefully wrapped the treasure in a cloth and tucked it away, feeling a strange sense of pride and accomplishment. I had been chosen for this mission, and I had succeeded. I had found the hidden treasure, and I was ready to make my way back home. I had been a pirate, and I had done the impossible.
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Prompt 12: You are a private investigator trying to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation.
The night was dark and still, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would be difficult, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation…
Exemplar:
The night was as dark and still as death itself, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would not be easy, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation.
As I made my way through the city, I felt a strange sense of awe and reverence. The moon shone down upon the streets, and I felt as if I was walking through a dream. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the city, and I could almost hear the whispers of the past. I could feel the power of the task I had been given, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement.
I eventually arrived at the building I was searching for, and I couldn’t help but be filled with a sense of awe and wonder. I had been given a chance to make a real difference, and I was determined to make the most of it. I could feel the power of the secrets I was searching for, and I was filled with a strange sense of elation and joy. I had to remind myself why I was here, and I steeled my nerves for the task at hand.
I carefully made my way through the building, searching for any clues I could find. As I searched, I felt as if I was being pulled towards something I couldn’t quite explain. I felt as if I was being guided by something greater, and I had a feeling that I might find the answers I was seeking here. I was determined to succeed, and I was ready to use the power I had been given to uncover the secrets of the powerful corporation.
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Prompt 3
The Treasure
The sea was wild and untamed, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure…
As I sailed across the sea, I was in awe of the beautiful and majestic water. I had sailed on a boat from England to this isolated island. A wandering merchant had given it to me. I was now on an impossible journey of finding the elusive and secretive treasure.
When I arrived, I realized this island was filled with nature and scenery. Although it was stunning, I needed to find the treasure. If only I knew the coordinates! I could have tracked it in no time. I decided to set up camp near the jungle, as I had discovered a majestic and crystal-clear creek that would supply me with fresh water. As I was inhabiting the land, I realized the dangers of the forest. There would be wild animals and many insects. Hopefully, could find the treasure before being attacked by a vicious animal. As I went to sleep, I pondered where the fortune would be.
The next day, I searched for riches. I was excited and curious to know what they were. Were they precious metals, or jewels, or cash? I walked towards the shore, where I was met with rocks and crevices. I quickly examined them and spotted an old chest jammed in between rocks. I pulled it out and was met with the wonder and beauty of jewels and gold, shimmering in the sunlight. I had accomplished my goal.
I dashed back to my boat. As I left the island, I glanced back, and I was ready to make my way back home. I had been a pirate, and I had done the impossible.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure: 9/10
The structure of the narrative is strong, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. It introduces the protagonist, the setting and the goal, and then follows the protagonist’s journey until its resolution. Sentences like “I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement”, and “As I sailed across the sea, I was in awe of the beautiful and majestic water” create a vivid picture of the protagonist’s experiences and emotions.
Sensory Imagery: 8/10
The passage paints a vivid and detailed picture of the protagonist’s journey. Sentences like “A wandering merchant had given it to me”, “I was now on an impossible journey of finding the elusive and secretive treasure”, and “I had accomplished my goal” evoke a sense of adventure. The imagery is further enhanced with descriptions of the “wild and untamed” sea, and the “majestic and crystal-clear creek”.
Grammar: 10/10
The grammar in the passage is flawless. There are no errors in punctuation or spelling, and the sentences are well-constructed and easy to understand.
Syntax: 8/10
The syntax of the passage is mostly clear and concise, however, there are a few sentences that could be reworded for improved clarity. For example, “I was now on an impossible journey of finding the elusive and secretive treasure” could be rewritten as “I was now embarking on an impossible journey to find the elusive and secretive treasure”.
Characterisation: 10/10
The protagonist is well-developed and their actions and emotions are clearly portrayed. Sentences like “I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement” and “I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps” give the reader a strong sense of the protagonist’s motivations and desires.
Vocabulary: 8/10
The passage contains mostly clear and concise language, however, the vocabulary could be improved to create a more sophisticated and magical atmosphere. For example, instead of “wild and untamed”, the author could use “tempestuous and untamed” or “ferocious and untamed”; instead of “majestic and crystal-clear creek”, the author could use “majestic and crystalline creek” or “majestic and azure creek”; instead of “wandering merchant”, the author could use “nomadic merchant” or “vagabond merchant”.
Juxtaposition: 9/10
The passage contains several juxtapositions that are effective in creating a vivid and exciting atmosphere. For example, the juxtaposition of the protagonist’s “excitement and anticipation” and the “wild and untamed” sea; the juxtaposition of the protagonist’s “impossible journey” and the “stunning” scenery; and the juxtaposition of the protagonist’s “search for riches” and the “dangers of the forest”.
Figurative Language: 0/10
The passage does not contain any figurative language. The author could use metaphors, similes and personification to create a more vivid and magical atmosphere. For example, the author could use a metaphor such as “The sea was a wild and untamed beast, roaring and lashing out at my boat”; a simile such as “The creek sparkled like diamonds in the sun”; or personification such as “The sea welcomed me with open arms”.
Vocab List:
Tempestuous, ferocious, crystalline, azure, nomadic, vagabond, roaring, lashing, diamonds, sparkled, welcomed.
Rewritten narrative:
I had been a pirate for as long as I could remember, and I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks. I had followed clues and deciphered maps, and now I was almost close to discovering the elusive fortune. I could feel it in my bones, a strange sense of anticipation and excitement that surged through my veins. I had been given a boat from England to this isolated island, a task that seemed almost impossible.
As I sailed the wild and untempestuous sea, I was in awe of its majestic beauty. It had been a long journey, but here I was, ready to embark on finding valuable and secretive treasure. I set up camp near the jungle, discovering a majestic and crystalline creek that would supply me with fresh water. Although the island was stunning, I was aware of the dangers in the forest. There were wild animals and many insects, so I had to be careful.
The next day, I searched the shore and found an old chest jammed in between rocks, and I pulled it out with excitement. I was met with the wonder and beauty of jewels and gold, shimmering like diamonds in the sun. I had accomplished my goal, and I dashed back to my boat. As I left the island, I glanced back, feeling as if the sea had welcomed me with open arms. I had been a pirate, and I had done the impossible.
But now I was faced with a new challenge: how would I take the treasure home? Surely, I wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I needed to find a crew of trustworthy and brave adventurers who would help me get the fortune back to England. I had done the impossible, but I knew that this task was more daunting than any I had faced before. I had to find a way to make it home with the treasure, no matter the cost.
The sea was wild and untamed, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure.
Standing at the bow of the ship, I stared out at the vast oceans and rising waves. Feeling a sense of admiration of the seas, I carefully studied the map and located the coordinates of the island. Sailing out 400 km to the west and 350 km north-west, I was convinced the island looming ahead of me would be the island of which Pirate Davey hid the treasure that would hold so many riches.
Throwing the anchor off the ship, the metal hit the bottom of the port with a Clank! I grabbed the map to the treasure and some essentials before jumping off the vessel. My feet landed in the sand, leaving a footprint. I was the first one here among the many that had sought out for the treasure after hearing Davey’s announcement.
I immediately set out to work. Searching every nook and crevice, I thought I had solved the map wrong. The treasure wasn’t on the island! A feeling of sadness and despair clouded my thoughts as I trudged to my boat. But suddenly, a sliver of metal caught my eye.
Investigating, I pulled a well placed “rock” to the side and started dusting it. Before long, a treasure chest appeared! I was so elated and joyful that I didn’t hear the other pirate boats landing in the dock. Turning around to the sudden shadow, I realised I wasn’t the only one that was here
Two other pirate boats arrived, and they were fighting for the last spot in the port.
“There isn’t enough time…” I realised. Stuffing my pockets, shirt and pants with valuable items, my whole body felt like a stiff rock. But there was no time to waste. Dragging the treasure to a nearby hole, I threw it down and waited until I heard a crash; the crystal shattering under the immense pressure.
Bounding towards my ship, I grabbed the steering wheel and twisted it hard. Gritting my teeth, I headed straight towards the ships. Seeing I got treasure, they formed a barrier with a small hole. Could I make it? Making the vessel go faster, I tried to squeeze the ship between the small gap, and it worked!
Sailing out to sea, I smiled. I was a pirate, and I had achieved the impossible.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of this narrative is quite effective, as the protagonist is quickly introduced and the reader is then taken on a thrilling journey. However, there are a few places where the story could be improved. For instance, there is little to no description of the treasure, which could help to build tension and anticipation. Additionally, more detail regarding the other pirate ships in the port would help to create a better picture for the reader.
Sensory Imagery: 10/10
The author does an excellent job of creating vivid sensory imagery throughout the passage. For example, “Standing at the bow of the ship, I stared out at the vast oceans and rising waves” paints a beautiful picture of the setting. Similarly, “Throwing the anchor off the ship, the metal hit the bottom of the port with a Clank!” creates a vivid auditory image.
Grammar and Syntax: 8/10
The grammar and syntax in this narrative are mostly correct, with some minor errors. For example, the phrase “I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure” could be improved by changing the word “here” to “there”. Additionally, the syntax could be improved by changing the sentence “My feet landed in the sand, leaving a footprint” to “My footprints left in the sand”.
Characterisation: 10/10
The protagonist in this narrative is very well-developed and immediately draws the reader in. For instance, their sense of anticipation and excitement is described in great detail, as well as their determination to find the treasure. Additionally, the other pirates are also effectively characterised, as the reader can feel their desperation to find the treasure.
Vocabulary: 7/10
The vocabulary in this passage is mostly effective and appropriate for the setting. However, some more sophisticated words and phrases could be used to further enhance the narrative. For example, instead of “Throwing the anchor off the ship”, “Launching the anchor from the prow” could be used. Additionally, instead of “Investigating”, “Scrutinising” could be used.
Juxtaposition: 8/10
The juxtaposition in this narrative is effective, as it helps to create a sense of tension and excitement. For example, the contrast between the protagonist’s elation at finding the treasure and the arrival of the other pirate boats creates an interesting conflict. Additionally, the juxtaposition between the vastness of the seas and the small island is also effective.
Figurative Language: 2/10
There is very little figurative language used in this passage, which could help to make the narrative more compelling. For instance, instead of “I was so elated and joyful”, the phrase “My heart sang with joy” could be used. Additionally, instead of “Making the vessel go faster”, the phrase “Pushing the vessel to its limits” could be used.
Vocab List:
Launching, Scrutinising, Myriad, Dense, Verdant, Immense, Tempestuous, Ardour, Resplendent, Perilous, Tempestuous, Swarthy
Rewrite:
The salty smell of the sea filled my senses as I stood at the bow of the vessel, an adventurer prepared to seek the hidden treasure. I had searched far and wide for weeks, diligently following the trail of clues that led me to this spot. The sea was tumultuous and wild, a perfect place for a pirate like me. My heart beat with the ardour of discovery as I studied the map and located the coordinates of the small island.
Navigating four hundred kilometres west and three hundred and fifty kilometres northwest, I spotted the island looming in the distance. Releasing the anchor with a clank, I hopped off the ship with a spring in my step. This was the island where Pirate Davey had hidden the treasure, and I was determined to find it.
My search was fruitless, and my heart sank as I trudged back to the ship. Suddenly, a glint of metal caught my eye, and I quickly shifted aside a nearby rock. Beneath it was a treasure chest, resplendent in its glory. I was ecstatic until I heard the sound of other pirate ships in the dock.
My joy quickly turned to fear as the ships battled for the last spot in the port. I didn’t have enough time! Filling my pockets and clothing with jewels and gold, I ran to a nearby hole and threw the treasure inside. The sound of crystal shattering signified its demise.
Without a moment to spare, I leapt onto the ship and twisted the steering wheel hard. I pushed the vessel to its limits, squeezing through the small gap between the other ships. As the salty breeze whipped around me, I smiled. I had achieved the impossible. I was a pirate and I had found the hidden treasure.
Prompt 1 – Pearl – Social Media
I have visions of a world where people can affix and converse with one another in consequential and powerful ways, where technology can be used to bring us closer together, and not to push us further apart. A world where social media is used to foster relationships and build community, not to spread hatred and division.
Social media has become an indispensable part of our lives, and has enabled us to stay connected with friends and family, no matter where we are in the world. It has also opened up a whole new world of opportunities, allowing us to reach out to people we never would have otherwise met.
However, there are also some very real and dangerous consequences associated with social media. It can be a cesspool of hate and negativity, where people spew vile and hateful words in the name of “free speech” and “opinion”. It can also be a breeding ground for cyberbullying and online harassment.
For these reasons, I am against the use of social media. Social media can be a powerful tool, but it can also be a source of great harm and destruction. We need to be mindful of the ways in which we use social media, and make sure that it is not used to spread hatred, division, and bullying.
My dream is a world where social media is used to create and foster meaningful relationships, and where it is used to bring us closer together, not to push us further apart. A world where we are mindful of the ways in which we use social media, and where we are conscious of the possible consequences of our words and actions.
We must also consider the psychological effects of social media on our mental health. Social media can be a source of stress and anxiety, and can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. We must be mindful of the ways in which we use social media and how it can affect our mental health.
In conclusion, I believe that social media can be a powerful tool, but we must be mindful of the way we use it and the possible consequences of our words and actions. We must also consider the psychological effects of social media on our mental health, and strive to create a world where social media is used to bring us closer together, not to push us further apart.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 42/50
Structure: 6/10
The structure of this persuasive essay is quite basic and lacks complexity. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second paragraph outlines the pros and cons of social media, and the third paragraph outlines the writer’s dream for a better world. To improve the structure, the writer could include a clear thesis statement, more evidence and argument to support the claims, and a better conclusion to tie the essay together. For example: “This essay will argue that while social media can be a powerful tool, it can also be a source of great harm and destruction, and so must be used with caution. Through examining the possible consequences of social media and its effects on mental health, this essay will demonstrate why we should be mindful of the ways in which we use it.”
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The persuasive techniques used in this essay are quite basic. For example: “It can also be a breeding ground for cyberbullying and online harassment.” To improve the persuasive techniques, the writer can use stronger language and more vivid imagery to make their argument more powerful. For example: “Social media has become a cesspool of hatred and vitriol, where people spew vile and dehumanizing words in the name of “free speech” and “opinion”.”
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
The emotional appeal of this essay is quite basic. For example: “We need to be mindful of the ways in which we use social media, and make sure that it is not used to spread hatred, division, and bullying.” To improve the emotional appeal, the writer can use more emotionally evocative words and phrases to emphasize the importance of the issue. For example: “We must be vigilant in our use of social media, taking care not to propagate hatred, discord, and persecution with our words and actions.”
Figurative Language: 7/10
The figurative language used in this essay is quite basic. For example: “Social media has become an indispensable part of our lives.” To improve the figurative language, the writer can use more vivid and creative metaphors to illustrate the point. For example: “Social media has become a lifeline for us, providing an invaluable connection to the world and the people in it.”
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence: 8/10
The grammar, syntax, and use of evidence in this essay are relatively good. However, there are some minor errors that could be improved. For example, “a whole new world of opportunities, allowing us to reach out to people we would never have otherwise met.” To improve the grammar and syntax, the writer can use more sophisticated words and phrases, such as “a plethora of opportunities, enabling us to connect with people we would have otherwise never encountered.”
Vocabulary: 5/10
The vocabulary in this essay is quite basic. To improve the vocabulary, the writer can use more sophisticated words and phrases, such as “cesspool” instead of “pool”, “vitriol” instead of “hatred”, “propagate” instead of “spread”, and “vigilant” instead of “mindful”.
Rewrite:
Social media has become an integral component of our lives, connecting us to friends and family no matter where they are in the world, and providing us with a plethora of opportunities, enabling us to connect with people we would have otherwise never encountered. However, it has also become a cesspool of hatred and vitriol, where people spew vile and dehumanizing words in the name of “free speech” and “opinion”, and can be a breeding ground for cyberbullying and online harassment. We must be vigilant in our use of social media, taking care not to propagate hatred, discord, and persecution with our words and actions.
My dream is for a world where social media is used to foster meaningful relationships, and to bring us closer together, not to push us further apart. We must be mindful of the psychological effects of social media on our mental health, and strive to create a world where it is used for good, rather than for harm. Social media can be a powerful tool for connection and collaboration, but we must be careful not to use it to spread hate, division, and fear. We must use it consciously, and be aware of the possible consequences of our words and actions. Only then can we create a world where social media is used to bring us closer together, and not to push us further apart.
Prompt 2 – Pearl – Music and Art
We live in a world of dreams, aspirations, and creativity. The visions that we hold in our hearts, the ambitions that we strive for, and the innovation that we use to make our dreams a reality, all come from within. It is in this spirit that we must recognize the importance of incorporating more art and music into the curriculum.
The incorporation of art and music into the curriculum can help to bring out the creativity and imagination of our students. It can help to inspire them and give them a platform to express their ideas. By exploring different forms of art and music, students can learn to think outside the box and find new ways to express themselves. They can learn to appreciate the beauty of the world around them and use this appreciation to create something truly unique.
Art and music can also help to foster collaboration and communication between students. Through the use of art and music, students can learn to work together to create something beautiful. This can help to build relationships and create a sense of community among students that can last long after their school years are over.
In addition, the introduction of art and music can help to make learning fun and engaging. Through the use of art and music, teachers can create interactive, immersive, and engaging learning experiences. This can help to keep students interested and motivated and can help to ensure that they are actively engaged in the learning process.
Finally, art and music can help to promote mental and emotional wellbeing. Through the use of art and music, students can learn to express their emotions and find ways to cope with stress and anxiety. It can also help to promote creativity and critical thinking skills, which can be invaluable in their future careers.
The incorporation of art and music into the curriculum is vital if we are to ensure that our students receive the best possible education. It can help to bring out the creativity and imagination of our students, foster collaboration and communication, make learning fun and engaging, and promote mental and emotional wellbeing. If we are to prepare our students for the future, it is essential that we embrace art and music and incorporate them into the curriculum.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 38/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the essay is well-organised, with the introduction and conclusion connected to the body of the essay. However, it could be improved by making stronger connections between the introduction and the body, as well as between the body and the conclusion. For example, the introduction could be improved by providing more concrete examples to illustrate the importance of incorporating art and music into the curriculum. Additionally, the conclusion could be improved by summarising the topics discussed in the body of the essay and providing a call to action.
More sophisticated sentences:
– We must embrace the transformative power of art and music in the classroom to ensure that our students receive the best possible education.
– Art and music can help to bring out the innate creativity and imagination of our students, inspiring them to think outside the box and find new ways to express themselves.
– By incorporating art and music into the curriculum, we can foster collaboration and communication between our students and create a sense of community.
– Through the use of art and music, teachers can create interactive, immersive, and engaging learning experiences that keep students interested and motivated throughout their studies.
– Finally, art and music can help to promote mental and emotional well-being, allowing students to express their emotions and find ways to cope with stress and anxiety.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay makes a good argument by giving concrete examples of the benefits of incorporating art and music into the curriculum. For example, “It can help to inspire them and give them a platform to express their ideas,” and “By exploring different forms of art and music, students can learn to think outside the box and find new ways to express themselves.” However, the essay could be improved by using more persuasive language. For example, instead of using the phrases “can help” and “can learn,” stronger language such as “will help” and “will learn” could be used to make the argument more persuasive.
More sophisticated sentences:
– We must recognize the power of art and music to stimulate creativity and imagination in our students, encouraging them to explore novel ideas and concepts.
– Art and music can act as powerful tools to foster collaboration and communication between students, allowing them to build relationships and create a sense of community.
– Through the use of art and music, teachers can create a captivating learning environment that is both engaging and interactive, ensuring that students remain interested and motivated throughout their studies.
– In addition, art and music can promote mental and emotional well-being, providing students with an outlet to express their emotions and find ways to cope with stress and anxiety.
– Finally, art and music can provide our students with valuable skills and competencies that will prove invaluable in their future careers.
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
The essay makes an effective emotional appeal by emphasising the importance of incorporating art and music into the curriculum. For example, “The visions that we hold in our hearts, the ambitions that we strive for, and the innovation that we use to make our dreams a reality, all come from within.” However, the essay could be improved by using more emotionally evocative language. For example, instead of using the phrase “make our dreams a reality,” a more emotionally powerful phrase such as “realize our ambitions” could be used.
More sophisticated sentences:
– We must recognize the necessity of art and music to bring out the creativity and imagination of our students, allowing them to explore their own visions and ideas.
– Art and music can act as powerful tools to foster collaboration and communication between students, encouraging them to build meaningful relationships and create a sense of community.
– Through the use of art and music, teachers can create an immersive and interactive learning environment that is both stimulating and enjoyable, motivating students to remain engaged and enthusiastic throughout their studies.
– In addition, art and music can promote mental and emotional well-being, providing students with a platform to express their emotions and find ways to cope with stress and anxiety.
– Finally, art and music can equip our students with the necessary skills and competencies to succeed in the future.
Figurative Language: 8/10
The essay uses some figurative language to make its argument more compelling. For example, “It is in this spirit that we must recognise the importance of incorporating more art and music into the curriculum.” However, the essay could be improved by using more vivid and descriptive language. For example, instead of using the phrase “recognize the importance,” a more evocative phrase such as “acknowledge the necessity” could be used.
More sophisticated sentences:
– We must embrace the transformative power of art and music in the classroom to ensure that our students receive the best possible education.
– Art and music can act as a conduit to bring out the creativity and imagination of our students, inspiring them to think outside the box and find new ways to express themselves.
– By incorporating art and music into the curriculum, we can foster collaboration and communication between our students and cultivate a sense of community.
– Through the use of art and music, teachers can create interactive, immersive, and engaging learning experiences that keep students interested and motivated throughout their studies.
– Finally, art and music can help to promote mental and emotional well-being, allowing students to express their emotions and find ways to cope with stress and anxiety.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 6/10
The essay is generally well-written with few grammar or syntax errors. However, it could be improved by using more sophisticated vocabulary and providing more evidence to support the argument. For example, the phrase “the innovation that we use to make our dreams a reality” could be improved by using a more sophisticated word such as “ingenuity” and providing evidence of the benefits of incorporating art and music into the curriculum.
More sophisticated sentences:
– We must recognize the power of art and music to stimulate creativity and ingenuity in our students, encouraging them to explore novel ideas and concepts.
– Art and music can act as powerful tools to foster collaboration and communication between students, allowing them to build meaningful relationships and cultivate a sense of community.
– Through the use of art and music, teachers can create a captivating learning environment that is both engaging and interactive, ensuring that students remain interested and motivated throughout their studies.
– In addition, art and music can promote mental and emotional well-being, providing students with an outlet to express their emotions and find ways to cope with stress and anxiety.
– Finally, art and music can provide our students with valuable skills and competencies that will prove invaluable in their future careers.
Vocabulary List:
– Transformative: Influential
– Stimulate: Promote
– Novel: Innovative
– Conduit: Channel
– Captivating: Enchanting
– Ingenuity: Resourcefulness
– Competencies: Abilities
Rewritten Persuasive Essay (400 words):
We inhabit a world of dreams, aspirations, and creativity. The visions that we nurture in our hearts, the ambitions that we strive towards, and the ingenuity that we use to manifest our ambitions into reality, all originate from within. Consequently, it is vital that we recognize the necessity of incorporating more art and music into the curriculum.
The inclusion of art and music into the curriculum can stimulate creativity and imagination in our students, inspiring them to explore their own visions and ideas. By exploring different forms of art and music, students can learn to think outside the box and find novel ways to express themselves. They can grasp the enchanting beauty of the world around them and utilize this appreciation to create something truly unique.
Moreover, art and music can serve as a channel to foster collaboration and communication between students. By utilizing art and music, students can work together to create something beautiful. This can help to build meaningful relationships and cultivate a sense of community among students that can last long after their school years are over.
In addition, the introduction of art and music can help to make learning fun and engaging. Through the use of art and music, teachers can create an immersive and interactive learning environment that is both stimulating and enjoyable, motivating students to remain engaged and enthusiastic throughout their studies.
Finally, art and music can promote mental and emotional well-being. By utilizing art and music, students can find an outlet to express their emotions and discover ways to cope with stress and anxiety. It can also help to promote resourcefulness and critical thinking skills, which can be invaluable in their future careers.
The incorporation of art and music into the curriculum is essential if we are to ensure that our students receive the best possible education. It can help to bring out the creativity and imagination of our students, foster collaboration and communication, make learning fun and engaging, and promote mental and emotional well-being. If we are to prepare our students for the future, it is imperative that we acknowledge the importance of art and music and incorporate them into the curriculum.
Prompt 3 – Pearl – Pirates
The ocean was as barbaric and wild as a storm, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps with a sharp eye. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure.
As I sailed across the sea, I felt a strange sense of awe and reverence. The moon shone down upon the waves, and I felt as if I was sailing through a dream. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the sea, and I could almost hear the whispers of the past. I could feel the power of the treasure I was searching for, and I was filled with a strange sense of elation and joy.
I eventually arrived at the spot where I was certain the treasure was hidden. I dropped anchor and stepped off the boat, my heart racing with excitement. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the beauty and power of the land, and I was filled with a strange sense of peace and comfort. I could almost feel the energy of the treasure, and I was determined to find it.
I searched the beach, carefully examining every rock and crevice. I eventually spotted an old chest, and I knew I had found what I was looking for. I quickly opened it, and I could hardly believe my eyes. Inside was the treasure I had been searching for, gleaming and shimmering in the moonlight. I had done it. I had found the hidden treasure.
I carefully wrapped the treasure in a cloth and tucked it away, feeling a strange sense of pride and accomplishment. I had been chosen for this mission, and I had succeeded. I had found the hidden treasure, and I was ready to make my way back home. I had been a pirate, and I had done the impossible.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 40/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of this narrative is effective and the story progresses in a logical and natural manner. There is a clear beginning, middle and end and the events flow organically from one to the next. However, some parts of the narrative lack detail and could be further developed to give the story more depth and complexity. For example, “I could feel the power of the treasure I was searching for, and I was filled with a strange sense of elation and joy” could be further developed to give a better sense of the protagonist’s excitement and anticipation.
Sensory Imagery: 9/10
The sensory imagery in this narrative is vivid and evocative. It effectively conveys the atmosphere and setting of the story, and the reader is able to form a clear mental image of the protagonist’s journey. For example, “The moon shone down upon the waves, and I felt as if I was sailing through a dream”. This phrase paints an effective and detailed picture of the setting. However, some of the imagery is a little generic and could be further developed to give a more detailed and vivid description of the scene.
Grammar: 8/10
The grammar in this narrative is generally correct and the sentences are well-constructed. There are no major errors, but some of the sentences could be further polished to make them more concise and effective. For example, “I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps with a sharp eye” could be rephrased as “I had searched for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps with a sharp eye”.
Syntax: 8/10
The syntax in this narrative is generally good and the sentences flow naturally. However, some of the sentences could be further refined to make them more concise and effective. For example, “I had done it. I had found the hidden treasure” could be rephrased as “I had found the hidden treasure”.
Characterisation: 8/10
The protagonist of this narrative is clearly developed and their thoughts and feelings are effectively conveyed. The reader is able to form a clear picture of the protagonist’s emotions, from their excitement and anticipation at the beginning of the story to their sense of pride and accomplishment at the end. However, the characterisation could be further developed to give a more detailed and nuanced picture of the protagonist’s thoughts and feelings.
Vocabulary: 6/10
The vocabulary in this narrative is generally good but there are some words and phrases that are a little generic and could be replaced with more sophisticated and magical words. For example, “I had been searching” could be replaced with “I had been questing” and “I had done it” could be replaced with “I had accomplished it”.
Juxtaposition: 8/10
The juxtaposition in this narrative is effective and helps to create a vivid picture of the protagonist’s journey. The juxtaposition of the wild and chaotic sea and the protagonist’s sense of elation and joy is particularly effective. However, there is scope for further juxtaposition to explore the contrast between the protagonist’s emotions and the environment.
Figurative Language: 8/10
The figurative language in this narrative is effective and helps to convey the atmosphere and setting of the story. For example, “Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the sea, and I could almost hear the whispers of the past” is particularly effective in conveying the sense of mystery and awe that the protagonist feels. However, some of the figurative languages is a little generic and could be further developed to create a more vivid and detailed description of the setting.
Vocab List:
Questing, accomplished, tumultuous, billowing, awe-inspiring, tumultuous, bewitching, enthralling, mesmerising, captivating, captivating, rousing.
Rewritten Narrative:
The sea churned with a tumultuous rage, like a cauldron of tumultuous waves, yet I felt a strange elation within me. I had been questing for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps with a sharp eye. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with an awe-inspiring sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure.
As I sailed across the billowing sea, I felt a strange sense of reverence. The moon shone down upon the waves, and I felt as if I was sailing through a bewitching dream. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the sea, and I could almost hear the enthralling whispers of the past. I could feel the power of the treasure I was searching for, and I was filled with a captivating sense of elation and joy.
I eventually arrived at the spot where I was certain the treasure was hidden. I dropped anchor and stepped off the boat, my heart racing with rousing excitement. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the mesmerising beauty and power of the land, and I was filled with a strange sense of peace and comfort. I could almost feel the energy of the treasure, and I was determined to find it.
I searched the beach, carefully examining every rock and crevice. I eventually spotted an old chest, and I knew I had found what I was looking for. I quickly opened it, and I could hardly believe my eyes. Inside was the treasure I had been searching for, gleaming and shimmering in the moonlight. I had accomplished it. I had found the hidden treasure.
I carefully wrapped the treasure in a cloth and tucked it away, feeling a strange sense of pride and accomplishment. I had been chosen for this mission, and I had succeeded. I had found the hidden treasure, and I was now ready to make my way back home. I had been a pirate, and I had done the impossible.
As I sailed away, I looked back at the beach one last time, feeling a sense of reverence and awe for the land I had just explored. I had been a pirate, and I had found the hidden treasure. I had done the impossible, and I felt as if I could conquer anything.
Prompt 4 – Pearl – VILE
The night was as dark and still as death itself, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of an explosive corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would not be easy, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed.
As I made my way through the city, I felt a strange sense of awe and reverence. The moon shone down upon the streets, and I felt as if I was walking through a dream. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the city, and I could almost hear the whispers of the past. I could feel the power of the task I had been given, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement.
I eventually arrived at the building I was searching for, and I couldn’t help but be filled with a sense of awe and wonder. I had been given a chance to make a real difference, and I was determined to make the most of it. I could feel the power of the secrets I was searching for, and I was filled with a strange sense of elation and joy. I had to remind myself why I was here, and I steeled my nerves for the task at hand.
I carefully made my way through the building, searching for any clues I could find. As I searched, I felt as if I was being pulled towards something I couldn’t quite explain. I felt as if I was being guided by something greater, and I had a feeling that I might find the answers I was seeking here. I was determined to succeed, and I was ready to use the power I had been given to uncover the secrets of the VILE corporation.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall score: 40/50
Structure: 7/10
The structure of the passage is effective in providing a clear idea of what is happening and the steps taken by the protagonist. However, it could be improved by having the protagonist’s thoughts about the task given to them be expressed in a more purposeful way, rather than being scattered throughout the passage. For example, “With a sense of responsibility and excitement, I set out on my task, determined to uncover the secrets of the VILE corporation.”
Sensory imagery: 8/10
The sensory imagery in the passage is vivid and effective in creating an atmosphere of anticipation and awe. For example, “The moon shone down upon the streets, and I felt as if I was walking through a dream. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the city, and I could almost hear the whispers of the past.”
Grammar: 7/10
The grammar in the passage is mostly correct and effective in conveying the protagonist’s emotions and intentions. However, there is one minor mistake, where the phrase “I had been hired to uncover the secrets…” should be “I had been hired to uncover secrets…”
Syntax: 7/10
The syntax of the passage is mostly effective in creating a flow of ideas. However, certain sentences could be improved by changing their structure to make them more concise. For example, “I could feel the power of the task I had been given, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement.” could be changed to “I felt the power of the task, anticipation and excitement surging through me.”
Characterisation: 7/10
The protagonist is effectively characterised as determined and resilient in the face of the task they have been given. However, more emphasis could be put on their emotions and thoughts, such as fear or uncertainty, to make them more relatable. For example, “As I made my way through the city, I felt a strange mixture of fear and excitement.”
Vocabulary: 8/10
The vocabulary used in the passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s emotions and intentions. However, it could be improved by using more sophisticated words and phrases to create a more magical atmosphere. For example, “The moon shone down upon the streets, and I felt as if I was wandering through a dreamscape. Everywhere I looked, I could sense the secrets and mysteries of the city, and I could almost hear the murmurs of the past.”
Juxtaposition: 8/10
The juxtaposition in the passage is effective in creating a vivid atmosphere of mystery and anticipation. For example, “I had been warned that the task would not be easy, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed.”
Figurative language: 7/10
The figurative language in the passage is effective in conveying the protagonist’s emotions and intentions. However, it could be improved by using more vivid metaphors and similes to create a more magical atmosphere. For example, “The moon shone down upon the streets, and I felt as if I was traversing a bewitching dreamland. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and sagas of the city, and I could almost hear the susurrations of the past.”
Vocab list:
– Responsibility: Obligation, Duty, Commitment
– Awe: Wonder, Amazement, Astonishment
– Reverence: Adoration, Respect, Reverence
– Elation: Exhilaration, Jubilation, Ecstasy
– Dreamscape: Illusion, Phantasm, Mirage
– Murmurs: Whispers, Murmurations, Utterances
– Mysteries: Enigmas, Conundrums, Paradoxes
– Sagas: Legends, Tales, Myths
– Susurrations: Rustlings, Undulations, Hushings
The night lay heavy and still, a thick blanket of silence that seemed to hang over the city. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to see my task through. I had been warned that the task would not be easy, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed.
With a sense of obligation and excitement, I set out on my quest, determined to uncover the secrets of the VILE corporation. As I made my way through the city, I felt a strange mixture of fear and anticipation. The moon shone down upon the streets, and I felt as if I was wandering through a bewitching dreamscape. Everywhere I looked, I could sense the secrets and mysteries of the city, and I could almost hear the murmurs of the past. I could feel the power of the task I had been given, and I was filled with a strange sense of exhilaration and joy.
I eventually arrived at the building I was searching for, and I couldn’t help but be filled with a sense of wonder and reverence. I had been given a chance to make a real difference, and I was determined to make the most of it. I could feel the power of the secrets I was searching for, and I was filled with a strange sense of jubilation and ecstasy. I had to remind myself why I was here, and I steeled my nerves for the task at hand.
I carefully made my way through the building, searching for any clues I could find. As I searched, I felt as if I was being pulled towards something I couldn’t quite explain. I felt as if I was being guided by something greater, and I had a feeling that I might find the answers I was seeking here. I was determined to succeed, and I was ready to use the power I had been given to uncover the secrets of the VILE corporation.
The further I ventured into the building, the more I felt as if I was entering a world of secrets and shadows. Everywhere I looked I could feel the presence of some unseen force, and I could almost hear the echoes of a mysterious past. I continued my search, my curiosity and determination growing with every step I took. Soon, I found myself in a room filled with ancient books and documents, and I knew I had found what I was looking for. I eagerly examined the documents, reading forbidden knowledge and dark secrets. I felt as if I was uncovering a hidden world, and I was filled with a sense of awe and excitement.
My task was almost complete, and I felt a strange sense of accomplishment. I had uncovered the secrets of the VILE corporation, and I had done it with the courage and determination of a true hero. I had used my skills and knowledge to make a difference, and I was filled with a sense of pride and joy. I was ready to face the consequences of my actions, and I knew I had made the right choice. I had uncovered the secrets of an explosive corporation, and I was ready to move forward into the future.
Prompt 11: Write a persuasive essay arguing for or against the use of social media.
Twitter, instagram and Facebook are few of the largest and most popular social media apps in the world. In our modernised world, with technology advancing and buzzing with new ideas every second, its important to have a way to socialise with others, whether it may be families or friends. Then a question arises. Should social media be a must in our lives? I can hear the constant, unwavering beats of my heart. I can feel the burning passion and a dream where we use social media for relationship and confluence, instead of the corrupting and spreading hatred and repugnance. And it is a must for us to use social media.
With technology a crucial part of our lives, providing opportunity of new relationship, staying connected with loved ones and finding a place of belonging in this lonely world, it is a must to use use technology.
Relationship is an important part of our lives, meeting people helps you step out of your comfort zone and actually trying something new. When you interact with people from different cultures and backgrounds, it will improve your verbal communication, and their tradition and respecting them.
And when you meet someone, they might have similar interest with you, creating a bond that will never break. You will learn something new, maybe something you never knew, something you needed on your school project and more. With more friendships and bonds, friends will always support you even if you make a bad decision or when you need some help. Thats what friends are for.
With wars and controversies in our world, sometimes, your family might have to flee to a different country, with no way of communication, cacophonous tendrils of smoke radiating around their home. With social media, the purpose is to communicate, with loved ones and friends. Families are vital in ones life, and them also having your back no matter what and supporting you through hardships and times of despair.
In this big world, loneliness may be a common feeling you experience in your lives. But it is integral in our lives to remember that someone will help and nurture you no matter what. Social media has many that can help with those who are emotionally or physically challenged and replacing the loneliness feeling with good vibes, encouraging them to go on and never give up.
While many may argue that social media may be dangerous, I truly believe, socialising with loved ones is more important.
In conclusion, I hope we have a bright future, where we use social media as a socialising tool, and that we empower our society and community to use social media instead of a tool to used as bait, and to cause anger and depression in our lives.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 42/50
Structure: 8/10
The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the body could be more clearly divided into more distinct points. For example, the author could divide the body of the essay into two sections- the first section discussing the importance of relationships and the second section discussing the importance of staying connected with family.
Sentence 1: “With technology a crucial part of our lives, providing opportunity of new relationship, staying connected with loved ones and finding a place of belonging in this lonely world, it is a must to use use technology.”
This sentence could be improved by removing the repetition of the word “use”.
Sophisticated Sentences:
“Technology plays a vital role in our lives, offering chances to form new relationships, keep in touch with loved ones and find a place of belonging in an often isolated world, making its use a necessity.”
“The importance of relationships cannot be underestimated. Interacting with people from diverse backgrounds and cultures can hone our verbal communication skills, as well as give us an appreciation for different customs and traditions.”
“By making new connections, we can often find friends who share the same interests as us, creating a bond that can never be broken. We learn something new – perhaps something we never knew we needed – from each and every encounter.”
“In addition, having friends to support us in all of life’s decisions, both good and bad, is a great source of comfort.”
“Moreover, in a world full of conflict and unrest, social media can be a lifeline for those forced to flee to other countries and become separated from their families.”
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The essay contains persuasive techniques such as pathos, logos, and ethos. For example, the author uses pathos by talking about the emotions that arise when thinking about social media. However, the author could use more persuasive techniques, such as providing statistics and facts to further support the argument.
Sentence 1: “Relationship is an important part of our lives, meeting people helps you step out of your comfort zone and actually trying something new.”
This sentence could be improved by providing a statistic to support the argument.
Sophisticated Sentences:
“Relationships are an integral part of our lives, with research indicating that nearly half of Americans report feeling lonely on a regular basis. Meeting people helps us to break out of our comfort zone and attempt new experiences.”
“Interacting with individuals from different cultures and backgrounds can enhance our verbal communication skills, while also teaching us to respect diverse cultures and customs.”
“Making new acquaintances can often lead to finding people with similar interests, fostering a bond that is unbreakable. We learn something new from each and every encounter, whether it be something we needed for a school project or a valuable life lesson.”
“In addition, having a strong support system of friends is essential, especially in times of need. As the saying goes, ‘a friend in need is a friend indeed’.”
“Furthermore, in a world full of conflict and turmoil, social media can be a useful tool for those who have been displaced from their homeland, helping them to stay connected with their families.”
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
The essay contains emotive language to evoke emotion from the reader. For example, the author talks about the “burning passion” and the “constant, unwavering beats of my heart”. However, the author could use more metaphors and similes to further enhance the emotional appeal of the essay.
Sentence 1: “I can feel the burning passion and a dream where we use social media for relationship and confluence, instead of the corrupting and spreading hatred and repugnance.”
This sentence could be improved by using a metaphor or simile to further enhance the emotional appeal of the essay.
Sophisticated Sentences:
“I can feel the fervent desire and envision a dream where we use social media for relationship and harmony, instead of using it as a tool to spread hatred and animosity.”
“The importance of relationships must never be ignored. Interacting with people from different cultures and backgrounds can sharpen our verbal communication skills and expand our understanding of different customs and traditions.”
“When we make new friends, we often find people with shared interests, creating a bond that is unbreakable. We learn something new from every encounter, be it something we needed for a school project or a valuable life lesson.”
“Moreover, having a reliable support system of friends is crucial, especially in times of difficulty. As the saying goes, ‘a friend in need is a friend indeed’.”
“Furthermore, in a world full of strife and turmoil, social media can be a vital lifeline for those who have been forced to flee their homes, enabling them to stay in touch with their families.”
Figurative Language: 8/10
The essay contains metaphors and similes to enhance the emotional appeal of the essay. For example, the author talks about the “burning passion” and the “constant, unwavering beats of my heart”. However, the author could use more metaphors and similes to further enhance the emotional appeal of the essay.
Sentence 1: “Then a question arises. Should social media be a must in our lives?”
This sentence could be improved by using a metaphor or simile to further enhance the emotional appeal of the essay.
Sophisticated Sentences:
“Then the question looms: should social media be a necessity in our lives?”
“With technology playing an essential role in our lives, offering opportunities to form relationships, stay connected with loved ones and find a place of belonging in an often isolated world, its use is a must.”
“The significance of relationships cannot be overstated. Interacting with people from different cultures and backgrounds can refine our verbal communication skills, as well as impart a respect for diverse customs and traditions.”
“By forging new connections, we may find friends who share similar interests, creating an unbreakable bond. We learn something new from each and every encounter, be it something we never knew we needed or a valuable life lesson.”
“In addition, having friends to lean on in times of need is immensely comforting. As the saying goes, ‘a friend in need is a friend indeed’.”
“Moreover, in a world full of conflict and unrest, social media can be a vital lifeline for those who have been displaced to other countries, helping them to stay connected with their families.”
Grammar: 10/10
The essay contains no errors in grammar.
Syntax: 10/10
The essay contains no errors in syntax.
Use of Evidence: 8/10
The essay contains evidence to support the argument such as examples of relationships and staying connected with family. However, the essay could use more evidence such as statistics and facts to further support the argument.
Sentence 1: “Relationship is an important part of our lives, meeting people helps you step out of your comfort zone and actually trying something new.”
This sentence could be improved by providing a statistic to support the argument.
Sophisticated Sentences:
“Relationships are an integral part of our lives, with research indicating that nearly half of Americans report feeling lonely on a regular basis. Meeting people helps us to break out of our comfort zone and attempt new experiences.”
“Interacting with individuals from different cultures and backgrounds can enhance our verbal communication skills, while also teaching us to respect diverse cultures and customs.”
“Making new acquaintances can often lead to finding people with similar interests, fostering a bond that is unbreakable. We learn something new from each and every encounter, whether it be something we needed for a school project or a valuable life lesson.”
“In addition, having a strong support system of friends is essential, especially in times of need. As the saying goes, ‘a friend in need is a friend indeed’.”
“Furthermore, in a world full of conflict and turmoil, social media can be a useful tool for those who have been displaced from their homeland, helping them to stay connected with their families.”
Vocabulary: 10/10
The essay contains a range of vocabulary to enhance the persuasive appeal of the essay.
Synonymous Words and Phrases:
Vital → Essential
Unwavering → Unflinching
Corrupting → Perverting
Confluence → Harmony
Crucial → Significant
Cacophonous → Discordant
Integral → Fundamental
Underestimated → Undervalued
Fostering → Nurturing
Unbreakable → Inviolable
Strife → Discord
Loom → Hang
The sea was wild and untamed, the perfect place for a pirate like me. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure…
The unravelled mystery of the maps was tricky. My second mate kept on telling me to do this and do that to solve the maps but it failed. So, I went to seek out the Map Marauder to replace the spiteful second mate. Map Marauder told me to get the maps of the 6 demonic seas. Then he retrieved (from his sheath) his sword and dripped a bit of his blood onto the maps overlapping each other. The maps then stuck together to form a final and thorough map. The key to the hidden treasure was in my hands!
I finally know the place of the hidden treasure! As I sailed through the seas, I stopped to think, “Do I even know what the hidden treasure is or not?”
I eventually arrived at the spot where I was certain the treasure was hidden. I dropped anchor and stepped off the boat, my heart racing with excitement. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the wonderful power of the land, and I was filled with a strange sense of strong magic. I could almost feel the energy of the treasure, and I was determined to find it. But even with the energy, I still had no clue what the treasure is.
After looking for a while, I came across an abandoned ship. Something suddenly tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to find another pirate, but not from my crew. He said this, with a Scottish accent, “Hey Feared Pirate Captain, Loco. I am Odvaline, captain of the Ogre Terror ship. I have been waiting for a long time to meet you!”
TO BE CONTINUED…………………………………..
Prompt 3
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall score: 40/50
Structure: 7/10
The structure of this passage is well-crafted, with clear sections that move the story along. However, the introduction could be more detailed and vivid to capture the reader’s attention. For example, instead of ‘The sea was wild and untamed, the perfect place for a pirate like me’, consider ‘The rolling waves of the sea roared and churned, the perfect stage for a pirate’s escapade. I, the infamous pirate captain Loco, had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps’.
Sensory imagery: 7/10
This passage effectively uses sensory imagery to bring the story to life, such as ‘I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement’ and ‘I could almost feel the energy of the treasure’. However, more sensory imagery could be added to further bring the scene to life and make it more vivid, such as ‘the salty sea spray tickled my skin and the sound of the waves crashing against the deck of my ship filled the air’.
Grammar: 8/10
This passage is well-written and free of any major errors. However, there are a few minor errors that can be improved, such as ‘My second mate kept on telling me to do this and do that to solve the maps but it failed’ should be ‘My second mate kept on telling me to do this and do that to solve the maps, but they failed’.
Syntax: 7/10
The syntax of this passage is generally clear and concise. However, there are a few areas where the syntax can be improved, such as ‘After looking for a while, I came across an abandoned ship’ could be ‘After searching for a while, I stumbled upon an abandoned ship’.
Characterisation: 8/10
This passage effectively uses characterisation to bring the story to life. The protagonist is well-developed, as are the other characters such as the second mate and the Map Marauder. However, some more detail could be added to the Map Marauder to make him more interesting and unique, such as ‘Map Marauder, with his wild eyes and unkempt hair, retrieved his sword from his sheath and dripped a bit of his own blood onto the maps’.
Vocabulary: 7/10
This passage contains a range of vocabulary that is descriptive and appropriate. However, there are a few areas where more sophisticated words could be used, such as ‘elusive’ instead of ‘hidden’ and ‘spiteful’ instead of ‘mean’.
Juxtaposition: 7/10
This passage makes great use of juxtaposition to create a sense of contrast and tension, such as ‘the energy of the treasure’ and ‘no clue what the treasure is’. However, more juxtaposition could be added to further highlight the contrast between the characters, such as ‘the Map Marauder’s wild eyes and unkempt hair in contrast to the protagonist’s composed demeanour’.
Figurative language: 7/10
This passage makes effective use of figurative language to create vivid imagery, such as ‘the wonderful power of the land’ and ‘the energy of the treasure’. However, more figurative language could be used to further bring the scene to life, such as ‘the horizon ahead of me shimmered like a mirage’ and ‘the air around me felt heavy with secrets’.
Vocab list:
Elusive, Spiteful, Roared, Churned, Salty, Sea Spray, Escapade, Infamous, Stumbled, Unkempt, Mirage, Secrets.
The rolling waves of the sea thundered and seethed, a perfect stage for a pirate’s escapade. I, the infamous pirate captain Loco, had been searching for the elusive treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to unraveling the mystery behind the hidden treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the precious treasure.
The unravelled mystery of the maps was tricky. My second mate, spiteful and unhelpful, kept on telling me to do this and do that to solve the maps, but they failed. So, I went to seek out the Map Marauder to replace the unhelpful second mate. Map Marauder, with his wild eyes and unkempt hair, retrieved his sword from his sheath and dripped a bit of his own blood onto the maps overlapping each other. The maps then stuck together to form a final and thorough map. The key to the hidden treasure was in my hands!
I finally know the place of the hidden treasure! As I sailed through the seas, I stopped to think, “Do I even know what the hidden treasure is or not?” I eventually arrived at the spot where I was certain the treasure was hidden. I dropped anchor and stepped off the boat, my heart racing with excitement. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the wonderful power of the land, and I was filled with a strange sense of strong magic. I could almost feel the energy of the treasure, and I was determined to find it. But even with the energy, I still had no clue what the treasure is.
After searching for a while, I stumbled upon an abandoned ship. Something suddenly tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to find another pirate, but not from my crew. He said this, with a Scottish accent, “Hey Feared Pirate Captain, Loco. I am Odvaline, captain of the Ogre Terror ship. I have been waiting for a long time to meet you!”
My mind raced with questions, and I could feel the air around me heavy with secrets. Before I could say anything, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tattered map with two crossed swords on it. He told me “This map shows the way to the hidden treasure. I have been searching for it for years, but I have never been able to find it. The key to the hidden treasure lies within the depths of the six demonic seas. Follow the map and you will find it.”
He handed me the map, and I could feel the power of destiny within it. I thanked Odvaline and bade him farewell as I set sail for the six demonic seas. I followed the map diligently, and after days of sailing, I could sense the hidden treasure drawing closer. The horizon ahead of me shimmered like a mirage and I could feel the salty sea spray tickling my skin. I was determined to find the hidden treasure, no matter what.
Prompt 1
I wish for a world where social media and communication are efficient and can connect to each other in a variety of powerful ways. A place where social media platforms are used to connect and form relationships, not diverse us further apart. I dream of a world where technology can be used to form society and communities, and not spread hatred.
Social media has become a critical and crucial part of our lives and has enabled us to stay connected with friends and family, no matter where we are in the world. It has also opened up a whole new world of opportunities, allowing us to reach out to people we never would have otherwise met.
However, there are also some very real and dangerous consequences associated with social media. It can be a cesspit of hatred and negativity, where people remark negative and vile words that affect people in the name of “free speech” and “opinion”. It can also be a breeding ground for cyberbullying and online harassment. It can make people feel depressed and can affect people’s abilities as these words can make them feel like they are worthless. According to Dual Diagnosis, people/students with anxiety and depression have lower academic performance than others and can promote underachievement. Some people find that depression has made them become irritated, nervous, and unable to concentrate on what they are supposed to be doing.
For these reasons, I am against the use of social media. Social media can be a powerful tool, but it can also be a source of significant harm and destruction. We need to be mindful of the ways in which we use social media, and make sure that it is not used to spread hatred, division, and bullying.
We must think about the psychological effects of social media on our mental health. Social media platforms can be a place of anxiety and depression, leading to many disadvantages affecting physical, academic, and personal achievement. It can also lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
In conclusion, I believe that social media can be a powerful tool when used correctly. Still, it can be abused in many ways such as a cesspit of hatred and negativity, psychological negatives and it can affect people’s abilities. We must be mindful and cautious in the way we use technology and strive to create a world where social media can be used to help us build relationships, not push us further apart and create feelings of negativity.
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Overall score: 35/50
Structure: 9/10
The author has created a well-structured essay that is easy to follow. Sentences are well-ordered and organised and the essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the introduction and conclusion could be stronger. In the introduction, the author should provide more information about their stance on the issue and in the conclusion, they should provide a clear summary of the points they made in the body of the essay.
Persuasive techniques: 7/10
The author has used a few persuasive techniques, such as providing evidence and highlighting the psychological effects of social media. However, they could use more techniques, such as providing facts and statistics, using personal anecdotes, or providing concrete examples of how social media can be used positively. Additionally, they could use more emotionally-charged language and powerful imagery to further emphasise their points.
Emotional appeal: 6/10
The essay has a slightly emotional appeal, as the author has highlighted the psychological effects of social media. However, they could use more emotionally-charged language to further emphasize the importance of the issue. Additionally, they could use more powerful imagery to create a stronger emotional effect.
Figurative language: 7/10
The author has used some figurative language, such as referring to social media as a “cesspit of hatred and negativity”. However, they could use more figurative language to further emphasize the points they are making. They could also use more metaphors and similes to create a more powerful effect.
Grammar, syntax, and use of evidence: 7/10
The author has used good grammar, syntax, and evidence to support their points. They have used evidence to back up their claims, such as the statistics on the effects of social media on mental health. There are some minor errors, such as missing commas, that could be improved.
Vocabulary: 5/10
The author has used some appropriate vocabulary, but the language used could be more sophisticated. For example, instead of “spreading hatred”, they could use “perpetuating animosity” or instead of “used to form society”, they could use “utilised to build communities”.
More Sophisticated Sentences
Persuasive techniques:
– Instead of “People remark negative and vile words”, they could use “People disseminate derogatory and offensive remarks”.
– Instead of “make people feel depressed”, they could use “generate an atmosphere of despair”.
– Instead of “words can make them feel like they are worthless”, they could use “comments can engender a sense of worthlessness”.
– Instead of “people with anxiety and depression have lower academic performance”, they could use “individuals suffering from anxiety and depression display decreased scholastic achievement”.
– Instead of “depression has made them become irritated”, they could use “depression has caused them to become exasperated”.
Emotional appeal:
– Instead of “significant harm and destruction”, they could use “catastrophic damage and devastation”.
– Instead of “spread hatred, division, and bullying”, they could use “propagate hostility, discord, and intimidation”.
– Instead of “feelings of isolation and loneliness”, they could use “experience desolation and alienation”.
– Instead of “psychological effects of social media”, they could use “psychological effects of social media on our mental health”.
– Instead of “places of anxiety and depression”, they could use “locales of anguish and depression”.
Figurative language:
– Instead of “cesspit of hatred and negativity”, they could use “cesspool of animosity and malevolence”.
– Instead of “psychological negatives”, they could use “psychological detriments”.
– Instead of “affect people’s abilities”, they could use “impair people’s capabilities”.
– Instead of “used correctly”, they could use “utilized judiciously”.
– Instead of “push us further apart”, they could use “further separate us”.
Vocabulary:
– Perpetuating animosity
– Disseminate derogatory
– Generate an atmosphere of despair
– Engender a sense of worthlessness
– Display decreased scholastic achievement
– Become exasperated
– Catastrophic damage and devastation
– Propagate hostility, discord, and intimidation
– Experience desolation and alienation
– Psychological detriments
– Impair people’s capabilities
– Utilized judiciously
– Further separate us
Social media can be a powerful tool, but it can also be a source of great destruction and devastation. We must be mindful of the ways in which it is used and strive to create a world where it is utilized judiciously and to help us build relationships, rather than to further separate us and propagate hostility, discord, and intimidation. Evidence has shown that it can generate an atmosphere of despair and engender a sense of worthlessness, leading to psychological detriments and impairing people’s capabilities. We must be conscious of the psychological effects of social media on our mental health and work to prevent it from being a cesspool of animosity and malevolence. We must learn to use it to our advantage, instead of perpetuating animosity and disseminating derogatory remarks. We must create a society where we use technology to our benefit and to promote strong relationships, not to spread hatred and division.
WK 8 (411 words)
I imagine a utopia where every person has a mind brimming with knowledge and communication of uttermost care brings us together. A world where the correct and respectful usage of social media brings our communities together, not manifesting hatred and fear.
Social media in this day and age lets us stay connected with our family and friends. It has opened new portals to new opportunities for many aspiring people. Yet in the dark lurks assassins.
However, there are real and dangerous consequences associated with social media. Cyberbullying can rise through the hellish and hateful depths of the unknown tarnishes throughout social media. People spew hateful phrases and slang in the name of ‘free speech’ and ‘personal opinion’ just to put negativity in the hearts of others just because of the law. Many even attribute the devastating effects of climate change to being allowed to criticise and rebuke with extremely rude language.
For the judgement of whether social media is helpful, we must examine the emotional harm from this catalyst. Stress and anxiety from online bullies may instantly put emotional baggage upon your shoulders. Your fear of being picked upon would leave you reluctant to try new things, a terrible trait.
But the cons of social media don’t end there. Too much social media can cause addictions to arise. Addictions push relationships apart and reduce the routines of life into chores, like the long delay before sleeping because social media has ‘more value’. A study has even shown addictions to social media shrink the frontal cortex, impairing expressive language and voluntary movement of the body, some of the most vital parts of the brain that keep us healthy.
I am solemnly against the usage of social media, as the cons outnumber the pros. Social media may be a powerful tool for giving knowledge and sharing memories but the high risk of danger may negatively influence us. We must be mindful if we use social media and be certain that our effects on others and ourselves are either neutral or positive.
In conclusion, I believe social media is like a sword. Many people use it to harm others, and some use it to spread knowledge of forging. But the many sharp points that can cause collateral damage to your mental and physical state outnumber the opportunities. We must always consider our effects on the world. Are you the one brandishing the sword and attacking the innocent, making social media an invisible war-torn battlefield?
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Overall score: 44/50
Structure: 7/10
The essay is structured in a logical way, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the body of the essay could have been broken down further into more paragraphs to help make the ideas clearer. For example, the “For the judgement of whether social media is helpful” section could be broken down into “The Emotional Harm” and “The Physical Harm” sections.
Persuasive techniques: 7/10
The essay makes strong use of persuasive techniques such as the use of emotive language, “Cyberbullying can rise through the hellish and hateful depths of the unknown tarnishes throughout social media” and rhetorical questions, “Are you the one brandishing the sword and attacking the innocent, making social media an invisible war-torn battlefield?” To make the essay even more persuasive, the author could use more vivid language, e.g. “Cyberbullying can spread like wildfire through the murky and malevolent underbelly of the digital world” and more effective rhetorical questions, e.g. “Are you the one wielding the sword, rending the innocent, making social media a virtual battleground?”
Emotional Appeal: 9/10
The essay has a strong emotional appeal, making use of words with strong connotations such as “hellish” and “tarnishes”. To make the essay even more emotionally appealing, the author could use stronger language, e.g. “Cyberbullying can spread like a plague through the noxious and baleful bowels of the internet” and more vivid descriptions, e.g. “Your fear of being picked upon would leave you trembling and cowering, an unfortunate trait.”
Figurative Language: 9/10
The essay makes effective use of figurative language, with metaphors such as “social media is like a sword” and similes such as “addictions push relationships apart like a wedge”. To make the essay even more figurative, the author could use more vivid metaphors, e.g. “social media is like a double-edged sword” and more effective similes, e.g. “addictions push relationships apart like daggers”.
Grammar, Syntax and Vocabulary: 10/10
The essay is well-written, with no errors in grammar or syntax. The vocabulary used is also sophisticated and appropriate. To make the essay even more sophisticated, the author could use more specific words, e.g. “toxic” instead of “noxious” and more technical terms, e.g. “cortical atrophy” instead of “shrink the frontal cortex”.
Use of Evidence: 10/10
The essay makes effective use of research and evidence, citing a study that showed “addictions to social media shrink the frontal cortex”. To make the essay even more convincing, the author could include more studies and research, e.g. a study that showed the effects of cyberbullying on mental health.
Vocab List:
• Hellish – infernal
• Tarnishes – sullies
• Noxious – toxic
• Baleful – sinister
• Wedge – cleave
• Daggers – stilettos
• Toxic – deleterious
• Cortical atrophy – cerebral atrophy
Social media is a two-sided blade, with its potential to both help and hurt those who use it. It can be a powerful tool for conveying knowledge and sharing memories, yet it remains a dangerous weapon that can wield immense destruction. Cyberbullying, addiction and emotional distress are some of the devastating effects of social media use.
The emotional damage of online bullies perpetrating vitriolic and vulgar language can weigh heavily on our mental well-being. The fear of being singled out and maligned can leave us feeling vulnerable and exposed and stifle our ability to take risks and try new things. In addition, social media addiction can be detrimental to our health, eroding away relationships and turning our lives into a series of tedious tasks. Studies have even shown that social media addictions can cause cortical atrophy and impair our cognitive abilities.
It is clear that we must be careful of our usage of social media and ensure it does not have a negative effect on ourselves and others. We must be vigilant in monitoring the posts we make and the content we view so that social media does not become a battlefield of hatred and fear, but instead a haven of knowledge and understanding. We must not allow the potential of social media to be corrupted and instead strive to make it a platform that connects and enriches us.
Part 1
I have a vision of where people can interweave and bond with by passionate and expressive means, where technology can be used to bring us together instead of widening the social vortex between us and other human beings. A world where the internet is used to nurture vivid connections and relationships, instead of spreading diversity and inequality.
The internet has become a critical part of our lives, allowing us to connect with friends and family overseas, and interact with others during lockdown. It is also a place of neverending information and knowledge, a library of opportunities to learn and meet things or people we never knew.
Despite that, there are also some real and dangerous connections on the web. People use the term “free speech” as an excuse to camouflage their evil words and judgement. Social media also allows toxic people to cyberbully and hack.
For these reasons, I am against the use of the internet in our daily lives. I believe it puts too much power in our greedy hands, and people are not mindful enough of what they post and send out on different platforms.
According to Kaspersky, the effects of cyberbullying include mental health issues, increased stress and anxiety, depression, acting out violently, and low self-esteem. Cyberbullying can also result in long-lasting emotional effects, even if the bullying has stopped. Do we want the future generations to be stressed, depressed outcasts? As Kaspersky also stated, these effects of cyberbullying can result in enduring feelings of embarrassment. Online bullying can lead to overwhelming feelings of exposure and distress.
Social media also lacks personal connection. As Nicole Richie stated, “True friends are like diamonds – bright, beautiful, valuable, and always in style.” However, instead of being able to meet more new friends, the internet might influence you to lose some. You absolutely cannot tell if your friend is genuine or fake, happy or heartbroken, sarcastic or emotional, enthusiastic or bored. What is friendship without feelings?
Finally, social media makes people lazy. I’m not saying that Skyping with your friend next door is unforgivable per se, but would it be so hard to just get down from your room and walk one block? Nowadays, kids spend most of their time indoors, gaming or texting. Wouldn’t you rather take a hike or jog or draw on the pavement or hang out at the local pizza place? Even when your suburb seems drab, you can find something interesting and fun to do, even when you’re away from the addiction of screens.
Overall, I believe that the internet is a useful and interactive tool, but we must use it carefully, and consider the impacts on the other person before using it to communicate. We must use the web for the purpose of building society and making friends instead of obsessive cyberbullying and widening the void between us and our relationships.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 42/50
Structure: 9/10
This essay is well structured, with a clear introduction, body and conclusion. Each paragraph is well-organised and easy to follow.
Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
The essay uses persuasive language to make the argument, such as “I am against the use of the internet in our daily lives”, and “We must use the web for the purpose of building society and making friends instead of obsessive cyberbullying and widening the void between us and our relationships”. To make the argument more persuasive, the author could use rhetorical questions such as “Do we really want the future generations to be stressed, depressed outcasts?”, or “What is friendship without feelings?”.
Emotional Appeal: 7/10
This essay uses emotional language to convey its message, such as “True friends are like diamonds – bright, beautiful, valuable, and always in style”, and “What is friendship without feelings?”. To further increase the emotional appeal, the author could use phrases such as “The internet can be a cruel and deadly game”, or “The internet has the power to both bring people together, or tear them apart”.
Figurative Language: 8/10
The essay uses figurative language to illustrate its point, such as “The internet has become a critical part of our lives, allowing us to connect with friends and family overseas, and interact with others during the lockdown,” and “the internet might influence you to lose some”. To further increase the figurative language, the author could use phrases such as “The internet is like a double-edged sword”, or “The internet is like a beautiful garden that can easily be overrun with weeds”.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 8/10
The essay has no major grammatical or syntactical errors. The evidence used is relevant to the argument and provides credibility to the essay. The author uses precise and sophisticated vocabulary, such as “vivid connections”, “cyberbully”, “masking”, “obsessive”, and “drab”. To further increase the sophistication, the author could use words such as “pernicious”, “facilitate”, “enervating” and “permeate”.
Vocabulary List:
Pernicious: Deadly, destructive
Facilitate: To make easier
Enervating: To sap one’s strength or energy
Permeate: To spread throughout
Social media has the capacity to have a tremendous impact on our lives, for better or for worse. We must use it carefully, exercising mindfulness and consideration for the effects our words and actions have on others. We can use the internet in a way that brings us closer together, by connecting us to friends and family and providing us with new and exciting opportunities to learn and explore. We can use it to spread love and understanding and to strengthen relationships, rather than widening the social vortex between us and other human beings.
However, we must also remain vigilant and aware of the dangers that lurk in this digital world. People misuse the term “free speech” to spread hate and hurt, and those who cyberbully and hack for malicious purposes. We must also be aware of the effects of our online presence and interactions, and the psychological and emotional toll it can take on us and those around us.
Finally, we must remember not to be over-reliant on the internet and try to maintain a healthy balance between our digital and real-life relationships. There is a plethora of activities that can help to expand our horizons, increase our knowledge and foster meaningful connections with the people and places around us, without having to rely on technology.
The internet can be a powerful and transformative tool, but it must be used with caution and in a way that strengthens and nourishes our relationships, not tears them apart. We must use it to build society and foster meaningful connections, not to spread hatred and inequality. We must use it in a way that brings us closer to one another, rather than creating a void.
Part 2
Our earth is a cosmos of creativity and imagination, art and inventions, talents and skills. We must harness this potential and make breathtaking works of pure ambition that can be cherished by everyone. We must create and conquer kingdoms of inspiration and elegance. And we must incorporate more art and music into our educational programs.
The addition of music and art into our programs can inspire our students to rise up into the next level. It can create a safe and expressive space for children to explore and appreciate the beauty of the world around us, and channel this into something truly extraordinary.
Art and music programs can also make learning fun for many kids. “Good arts education is not about the product,” stated Jamie Kasper, director of the Arts Education Partnership and a former music teacher. “It is about the process of learning.” Such programs can help kids engage with school, reduce stress, develop social-emotional and interpersonal skills, and enrich their experiences. Kasper also says she often hears from other educators that art programs are one of the main factors that motivate children to come to school.
Finally, the arts can allow children to pay closer attention and self-control. According to US News, research has shown that training in the arts also helps students hone their ability to pay closer attention and practice self-control. In 2009, researchers at the Dana Foundation, which funds neuroscience research and programming, posited based on multiple studies that training in the arts stimulates and strengthens the brain’s attention system. Learning to play an instrument teaches children concentration and discipline.
In conclusion, I 100% support the addition of art and music programs in school because of the many benefits it will bring students. It will allow students to explore their creative nature and express themselves through art and music!
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Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the essay is effective in conveying the main points of the argument. However, there could be more focus on the transitions between each point and more attention to the conclusion. For example, the sentence “In conclusion, I 100% support the addition of art and music programs in school because of the many benefits it will bring students” could be more effective if it concluded with a strong emotional appeal or a call to action.
5 more sophisticated sentences:
1. Consequently, I unreservedly advocate for the inclusion of art and music in the curriculum, for the innumerable advantages it brings to our students.
2. It is our duty to foster an environment of creativity and imagination, where students can express themselves through art and music.
3. Art and music classes can enable students to cultivate a range of skills, including concentration and emotional intelligence.
4. We should strive to cultivate a safe and expressive space where our children can explore their innermost creativity.
5. As such, the implementation of art and music programs in school can be transformative and inspirational for our students.
Persuasive Techniques: 8/10
The author effectively uses persuasive techniques to convey the argument. For example, the author states “Art and music programs can also make learning fun for many kids” to suggest that art and music classes are beneficial for students. However, the language could be more emotive to engage the reader further.
5 more sophisticated sentences:
1. Art and music classes can foster a vibrant learning experience, enabling students to explore their creative sides with enthusiasm.
2. Through art and music classes, students can learn to cultivate a range of skills, from concentration to emotional intelligence.
3. By implementing art and music programs in our curriculum, we can provide students with a safe and expressive space to explore their creativity.
4. Moreover, art and music classes can make learning engaging and enjoyable for many children, encouraging them to attend school.
5. We must create an environment where students can discover their talents and skills, allowing them to reach their fullest potential.
Emotional Appeal: 9/10
This essay effectively uses emotive language to make a strong argument. For example, the author states “We must create and conquer kingdoms of inspiration and elegance” to evoke feelings of admiration and awe. However, the essay could be more emotive to further engage the reader.
5 more sophisticated sentences:
1. We must strive to create a world of imagination and beauty, where art and music can be cherished by all.
2. We should strive to build a kingdom of inspiration, where our students can explore their creative potential.
3. Art and music classes can enable our students to discover and appreciate the beauty of the world around them.
4. We must cultivate an environment where children can express themselves through art and music, creating something truly extraordinary.
5. By incorporating art and music into our educational programs, we can provide our students with an opportunity to reach new heights of creativity.
Figurative Language: 8/10
The author effectively uses figurative language throughout the essay to make a compelling argument. For example, the author states “create and conquer kingdoms of inspiration and elegance” to evoke feelings of admiration and awe. However, there could be more use of figurative language to further engage the reader.
5 more sophisticated sentences:
1. We must strive to create a new world of imagination, where art and music can be celebrated by all.
2. We must strive to construct a realm of inspiration and creativity, where our students can discover the beauty of the world around them.
3. Art and music classes can enable our students to explore their creative nature, channeling it into something truly extraordinary.
4. We should strive to provide our students with a safe and expressive space to express themselves through art and music.
5. By incorporating art and music into our educational programs, we can provide our students with an opportunity to reach new heights of creativity.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence, Vocabulary: 10/10
The author effectively uses grammar and syntax throughout the essay, effectively conveying the main points of the argument. The author also effectively uses evidence to support the argument. Furthermore, the author uses a variety of sophisticated vocabulary words and phrases, such as “interpersonal skills” and “emotional intelligence”.
Vocab List:
1. Interpersonal Skills: social capabilities
2. Emotional Intelligence: psychological acuity
3. Express: articulate
4. Channel: direct
5. Appreciate: value
6. Cultivate: foster
7. Enrich: improve
8. Transformative: revolutionizing
It is our duty to foster an environment of creativity and imagination, where our students can discover their talents and skills and reach their fullest potential. We must strive to build a kingdom of inspiration, where art and music can be celebrated and cherished by all. Art and music classes can enable our students to explore their creative nature, channelling it into something extraordinary.
The implementation of art and music programs in school can be transformative and inspirational for our students. It can create a safe and expressive space for children to explore the beauty of the world around them. Art and music classes can also foster a vibrant learning experience, enabling students to explore their creative sides with enthusiasm. Moreover, it can make learning engaging and enjoyable for many children, encouraging them to attend school.
Training in the arts has been shown to stimulate and strengthen the brain’s attention system. Learning to play an instrument teaches children concentration and discipline. Furthermore, art classes can help kids develop social-emotional and interpersonal skills, and enrich their experiences.
Consequently, I unreservedly advocate for the inclusion of art and music in the curriculum, for the innumerable advantages it brings to our students. We must strive to create a new world of imagination and beauty, where our children can express themselves through art and music. By incorporating art and music into our educational programs, we can provide our students with an opportunity to reach new heights of creativity and appreciation. It is time to ignite the flame of ambition and make breathtaking works of pure inspiration that can be admired by everyone.
Prompt 12: Write a persuasive essay on the importance of incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum.
Title: The way to future
Art and music is crucial, a stepping stone to our future. As I see paintings, a feeling of awe and burning passion washes upon me. The different colours, the delicate strokes and the texture making it stand out, and the different notes and sounds each instrument can make. Art and music is our future, our lives right now filled with aspiration and hope, it is crucial for the benefits of everyone. Let us strive towards our goal to ‘paint’ a brighter future by incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum.
Incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum will improve creativity and innovativeness. Creativity helps us recognise our true identity and uniqueness. In our world, loneliness may be a common feeling everyone might experience. But it is important to recognise our true identity and remember we are all unique and with this, they can learn to appreciate the beauty of the world around them and use this appreciation to create something truly unique.
There will be several influencing by incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum, but I think the most important qualities are leadership and trust. The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant. —Max DePree replies. This is unquestionably important. Leaders are also servants, meaning we should learn to listen to others and try what the others say and have faith and trust in others. Having trust is significant in our lives as it means they will trust us, forming an unbreakable bond.
Art also helps express our true feelings. Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it. -Bruce Lee
It is important to express ourselves, and when I think of expressing ourselves, I think about swimming. No matter how fast the person next to you, you do you’re best and you feel good! It is important to express you’re feeling as it will protect you and will help socialise with others and feel happy vibes instead of those corrupting and deleterious thoughts.
It is crucial that we incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum. For the benefit of students creativity, leadership and trust in others and expressing our true feeling, let us strive towards a better future by incorporating more art and music in class.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the persuasive essay is clear and concise. Sentences are well-structured and have a logical flow. There are also several transitions used throughout the essay to help guide the reader from one point to another.
Suggestions:
– Use more varied sentence structures to help add interest and variety to the essay.
– Use more conjunctions or connective words to help link your ideas together.
More Sophisticated Sentences:
– As our lives progress, the need to explore art and music as a fundamental part of our curriculum is paramount.
– We must strive to nurture our creative potential and elevate our understanding of the world around us.
– By immersing ourselves in the world of art and music, we are given the opportunity to express our unique identity.
– Through the incorporation of art and music into our curriculum, we can foster a sense of understanding, trust, and leadership.
– Imbued with the courage to be true to ourselves, we can strive to create a brighter, more inspired future.
Persuasive Techniques: 7/10
The author has used several persuasive techniques to support their argument. Examples of this include using facts and statistics, giving examples and providing solutions.
Suggestions:
– Use more concrete evidence to support the argument.
– Incorporate more personal experiences and anecdotes to help strengthen the argument.
More Sophisticated Sentences:
– Studies have shown that the integration of art and music classes into the curriculum can lead to a more creative and innovative outlook in students.
– It is through the appreciation of art and music that we can use our unique perspectives to create something that is truly remarkable.
– By introducing more art and music classes into the curriculum, we are able to nurture our sense of leadership and trust in others.
– The incorporation of these classes into our curriculum can help us foster a sense of understanding and appreciation for our own identity.
– By inspiring a passion for art and music in our students, we can instill a sense of optimism and hope for our future.
Emotional Appeal: 8/10
The author has used several powerful words and phrases to evoke strong emotional responses. Examples of this include “awe”, “burning passion” and “brighter future”.
Suggestions:
– Use more powerful and emotive words to further strengthen the emotional appeal of the essay.
– Use more metaphors and similes to help describe the emotions and feelings that they are trying to evoke.
More Sophisticated Sentences:
– As I perused the paintings, a wave of admiration and fervent desire surged through me.
– The vibrant shades, the gentle brushstrokes and the texture that make it so unique, and the myriad of sounds that each instrument can produce.
– Art and music are our future, our lives right now are filled with ambition and expectation, and it is essential for the benefit of all.
– Let us strive to ‘paint’ a more brilliant future by incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum.
– Through the appreciation of art and music, we can unlock our true selves and use this newfound power to craft something unique and extraordinary.
Figurative Language: 8/10
The author has used several figurative languages to help bring their argument to life. Examples of this include a “brighter future” and an “unbreakable bond”.
Suggestions:
– Use more strong metaphors to help bring the argument to life.
– Use more vivid descriptions to help the reader visualise the argument.
More Sophisticated Sentences:
– As our lives progress, we must strive to attain a more luminous future by incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum.
– The incorporation of these classes into our curriculum can help foster an unbreakable connection between ourselves and those around us.
– Through the appreciation of art and music, we are given the opportunity to express our true identity and use this newfound power to create something extraordinary.
– It is essential that we nurture our creative potential and elevate our understanding of the world around us.
– Imbued with the courage to be true to ourselves, we can strive to create a brighter, more inspired future.
Grammar, Syntax, Use of Evidence and Vocabulary: 11/10
The author has used a variety of grammar and syntax structures to help make their argument. They have also provided evidence to support their argument and used a wide range of vocabulary.
Suggestions:
– Use more sophisticated vocabulary words to help make the argument more powerful.
– Use more conjunctions or connective words to help link your ideas together.
More Sophisticated Sentences:
– As our lives advance, the necessity to explore art and music as a fundamental part of our curriculum is indubitable.
– We must strive to cultivate our creative potential and amplify our understanding of the world around us.
– By immersing ourselves in the realm of art and music, we can unlock our true selves and use this newfound power to create something remarkable.
– Through the incorporation of art and music into our curriculum, we can foster a sense of understanding, trust, and guidance.
– Endowed with the courage to be true to ourselves, we can strive to craft a brighter, more inspired future.
Vocab List:
Awe – Admiration
Burning passion – Ardent desire
Appreciation – Understanding
Unbreakable bond – Unshakable connection
Foster – Nurture
Elevate – Amplify
Cultivate – Cultivate
Immersing – Immersing
Realm – Domain
Endowed – Endowed
Craft – Create
The world of art and music is a powerful force, one that can shape our lives, our future, and our very identity. As we explore the beauty of a painting or hear the symphony of an orchestra, we can feel the immense power of creativity and innovation. By incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum, we can nurture this potential and use it to craft a brighter future.
The integration of art and music into our education is essential, not only to foster creativity and innovativeness but also to build leadership and trust. By learning to accept our uniqueness and use it to understand the world around us, we can become powerful and effective leaders. We must also learn to trust each other, forming an unshakable bond between ourselves and our peers.
The importance of expressing ourselves cannot be understated. We must have faith in ourselves and be true to ourselves, and give ourselves the opportunity to create something unique and extraordinary. Through the appreciation of art and music, we are given the courage to take a leap of faith and strive towards a brighter future.
Incorporating more art and music classes into the curriculum is essential for the benefit of all. We must strive to unlock our creative potential and use it to paint a more luminous future. By inspiring a passion for art and music in our students, we can instill a sense of optimism and hope for our future. Let us be brave and take the first step towards a brighter tomorrow.
Prompt 4
The night was dark and still as if it were a funeral, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would be difficult, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator, and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation…
As I walked down the moonlit streets, I was in awe at the beauty and silence of the stars that were etched across the sky. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the city, and I could almost hear the whispers of the past. I could feel the power of the task I had been given, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement.
I eventually arrived at the building that I was assigned to investigate. I had been given a chance to expose this fraud business, and I was determined to make the most of it. I could feel the power of the secrets I was searching for, and I was filled with a strange sense of elation and joy. I had to remind myself why I was here, and I steeled my nerves for the task at hand.
I searched the racks of clothes, all adorned in silky material and texture. I discovered a parcel encased beneath the clothes. I took it out, and immediately the neon lights flickered in the hallway. Something was approaching. Heavy footsteps boomed around the corridor. The light tried to escape whatever was coming. I needed to hide and dash away, quickly.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 40/50
Structure: 9/10
The passage has a clear beginning, middle and end structure and uses a strong narrative arc to capture the reader’s attention.
Sensory Imagery: 7/10
The author creates a vivid image of the night with phrases such as “dark and still as if it were a funeral” and “the beauty and silence of the stars that were etched across the sky”. However, the description of the neon lights “flickering” could be made more vivid by providing a more detailed description of the movement.
Grammar and Syntax: 7/10
The grammar and syntax of the passage are mostly correct, however, there are a few minor errors that could be improved. For example, the phrase “I could feel the power of the secrets I was searching for” should be “I could feel the power of the secrets I was seeking”.
Characterisation: 6/10
The passage provides a strong sense of characterisation of the protagonist as a determined and courageous private investigator. However, the characterisation could be further strengthened by providing a more detailed description of the protagonist’s feelings and thoughts.
Vocabulary: 7/10
The passage contains a variety of vocabulary, however, some of the words are overly simplistic. For example, “dark” and “still” can be replaced with more sophisticated words such as “inky” and “serene”.
Juxtaposition: 9/10
The author uses juxtaposition to create a contrast between the beauty of the night sky and the sinister investigation the protagonist is undertaking. However, the contrast could be made more vivid by using stronger language.
Figurative Language: 0/10
The passage does not contain any figurative language.
Vocabulary List:
Inky, serene, eerie, enigmatic, clandestine, eerie, inscrutable, arcane, clandestine, relentless, alluring, beguiling, beguiling, mysterious, beguiling, beguiling, beguiling, beguiling.
The night was as dark as ink, a strange serenity lay across the sky as if it were a funeral procession. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would be difficult, but I had the skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. As a private investigator, I knew that the mission was an enigmatic one, and I was prepared to use my clandestine methods to obtain the answers.
I walked down the moonlit streets, my eyes drawn to the beauty and silence of the stars that were etched across the sky. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the city, and I could almost hear the whispers of the past. I felt the relentless power of the task I had been given, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement.
Eventually, I arrived at the building I was assigned to investigate. I had been given the opportunity to uncover the fraud business, and I was determined to make the most of it. I could sense the alluring secrets I was about to uncover, and I was filled with a strange sense of elation and joy. I had to remind myself why I was here, and I steeled my nerves for the task at hand.
I searched the racks of clothes, all adorned in silky material and texture. I discovered a parcel encased beneath the clothes. I took it out, and immediately the neon lights flickered in the hallway. Something was approaching. Heavy footsteps boomed around the corridor. The light tried to escape whatever was coming. I needed to hide and flee away, quickly.
My heart raced as I sprinted towards the shadows of the alleyway, my mind whirring as I thought of ways I could outwit my pursuers. I peered out from the corner of my eye, and to my surprise, I saw nothing but an empty street. I had made it. I had managed to evade the danger and get away with the package. But what secrets did it contain? It was up to me to find out. I had to uncover the inscrutable truth of the powerful corporation, and I was ready to use my arcane skills and knowledge to do so.
Continue the story
Prompt 11: You are a pirate searching for a hidden treasure.
The sea’s Neandertal waves were untamed, the sneers of the somniferous waves was hypnotic, the palpitating pulse of the waves were nodulous and savage like lurching beasts and this was the perfect place for a pirate like me. The suns blistering rays, brighter than the luminance of Venus was shining bright like diamonds in the sand. I had been searching for the hidden treasure for weeks, following clues and deciphering maps. Tonight, I was finally close to finding the elusive treasure. I could feel it in the air, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement. I was a pirate, and I was here to find the hidden treasure…
The scorching sun looked down on me and my crew, the heat like the cacophonous tendrils of smoke of a vicious dragon, the demonic glare devastating anyone that comes across him. Every pirate thinks this ocean is haunted. Everyone except me. The most daring pirates aboard on this ship has and will be prepared for anything to come, even risking their lives. I’m a pirate and I’m proud of it.
“27.7692 -82.7690, Captain, we arrived at our destinaaation!” vociferated my parrot.
I have waited so long for this time. 20 years under the searing sun, I can finally go back to the pacifying city, where I prove my family wrong once and for all. Their doubts about me, ever living a successful life. “You will never succeed. What do you think of her? Oh, she’ll never succeed! She’s hopeless!” Were the only words that was reverberating around my head. The words poisoned my naked heart like a dagger. I was determined, to find the treasure which will be… MINE!!! As we approached closer and closer, to the coordinates, a feeling of reverence and perplexity filled my burning heart. The lustrous, luminous light of majestic treasure beaming in the treasure chest awaits me, I thought.
As I reached the destination, I was sure this was the place. I told my crew, I had to do it, alone. And that no one should come. The crab holes on the beach were like once throbbing arteries of metropolis, snaking around the cushionlike sand. The velvety of the sand wooshed around my feet, the feel of a delicate tapestry made of rich, exquisite fabric tied my heart in an enduring knot. I could feel the unbearable power of treasure, tantalising and captivating my mind. “Its… so… close…” I muttered.
I looked at my map meticulously, just incase I missed anything. Then I saw it. On the bottom of the once belonged map of Captain Wicked Beard (Too lazy to search name), says, ‘Treasure found’ Do NOT dare come near the inland, in italicised letters, which somehow looked like ripples. ‘Or else…’ “Oh no…” I muttered.
I reached next to my leg, ready to pull out my dagger, a small, but sharpened dagger, which was able to penetrate a deplorable mortal, the reflection on the blade so phosphorescent, the dagger looking like the sun. Which was why it was named leukós or λευκός in Greek, blinding anyone or anything, valiant enough to look at it. I caught a subtle movement in the trees. Thankfully, it was just a leaf, floating down as if ashamed. Never given a second chance, like me. But I realised rule 372 of the pirate book. ‘It is ALWAYS a distraction.’ And as I circled around, pain erupted in the front of my body, extravasating like an Ire tiger. “Please… Mercy…” was all that came out out of my trembling lips, his crew forcing me to be on my knees.
“I warned you, brave little brat, to never come here. Pirates nowadays… are so ignorant.” replied an recognisable voice .
“Captain Wicked beard?” I pondered.
“Yes. It is me. The most wicked pirate ever known, and I will punish you for your benightedness.
My vision swirled, my mind trying so hard to not black out. But the pain was unbearable, and everything went black.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 45/50
Structure: 9/10
The passage is well structured, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. There is a good transition from the narrator’s thoughts to the action of the story. The only improvement would be to add more detail and imagery to the middle of the passage.
Sensory Imagery: 8/10
The passage contains many vivid descriptions of the setting and characters, such as “the sneers of the somniferous waves was hypnotic” or “the velvety of the sand wooshed around my feet, the feel of a delicate tapestry made of rich, exquisite fabric tied my heart in an enduring knot.” However, there are some areas where the imagery is lacking, such as the description of the pirate’s dagger and of the Captain’s voice.
Grammar: 8/10
The passage is mostly grammatically correct, with only a few minor errors. However, there are some places where the grammar could be improved, such as the incorrect use of “it’s” instead of “its” or the incorrect use of “vociferated” instead of “vociferate”.
Syntax: 8/10
The syntax of the passage is mostly correct, with only a few minor errors. However, there are some places where the syntax could be improved, such as the incorrect use of “I was determined, to find” instead of “I was determined to find”.
Characterisation: 9/10
The characters in the passage are well-developed and distinct. The narrator is a determined pirate, and the Captain is a ruthless villain. The only improvement would be to add more detail to the characters to make them more vivid.
Vocabulary: 7/10
The vocabulary in the passage is mostly appropriate, with only a few words that could be replaced with more sophisticated ones. For example, “velvety” could be replaced with “velutinous”, “burning” with “searing”, and “cacophonous” with “strident”.
Juxtaposition: 8/10
The passage contains many effective juxtapositions, such as the contrast between the calm of the sea and the violence of the pirates. However, there are some areas where the juxtaposition could be improved, such as the contrast between the treasure and the pirates’ fear of it.
Figurative Language: 8/10
The passage contains many effective figures of speech, such as the simile of the leaf “floating down as if ashamed” and the metaphor of the dagger “looking like the sun”. However, there are some areas where the figures of speech could be improved, such as the use of a more vivid metaphor for the dagger.
Vocab List:
Somniferous – soporific
Palpitating – throbbing
Nodulous – knotted
Lurching – loping
Luminance – luminosity
Extravasating – effusing
Ire – wrath
Phosphorescent – incandescent
Benightedness – naivete
Velutinous – velvety
Searing – burning
Strident – cacophonous
Rewritten Narrative:
The tumultuous waters of the sea frothed and foamed, their sneers like a soporific lullaby, their pulses throbbing and knotted like loping beasts. It was here, at this tumultuous shore, that I, a pirate, had come to fulfill my lifelong ambition of finding the hidden treasure. The sun shone brighter than the luminosity of Venus, its rays twinkling like diamonds in the sand. After weeks of deciphering maps and scouring clues, I was finally close to unlocking the secret of the elusive treasure. A strange sense of anticipation and excitement was building within me, and I knew that this was the moment I had been waiting for.
My crew and I trudged through the sweltering heat, the air suffused with the strident tendrils of smoke from the dragon’s breath. Every pirate knew that this ocean was haunted, but I was determined to prove them wrong. The bravest of the pirates aboard my vessel would be prepared for anything, even sacrificing their own lives. I was proud to be a pirate, and I was here to claim my prize.
“27.7692 -82.7690, Captain, we arrived at our destination!” my parrot vociferate.
I had waited so long for this moment. After twenty years of toiling under the searing sun, I would finally be able to return to the pacifying city and show my family that I had succeeded. I could still hear their words ringing in my ears. “You will never succeed. What do you think of her? Oh, she’ll never succeed! She’s hopeless!” My heart had been poisoned like a dagger with their doubts, but I was determined to find the treasure and prove them wrong.
The sand beneath my feet felt like a velutinous tapestry, tied in an enduring knot around my heart. I could feel the power of the prize, tantalizing and captivating my mind. “It’s… so… close…” I muttered.
I examined my map, searching for any clues I may have missed. Then, at the bottom of the map that once belonged to the notorious Captain Wicked Beard, I saw it. “Treasure found. Do NOT dare come near the inland” it read in italicized letters, rippling like the waves. “Oh no…” I muttered.
I reached for my dagger, a small but sharpened blade capable of penetrating any foe. Its reflection was incandescent, like the sun, and that was why it was named leukós or λευκός in Greek. But as I circled around, a sudden pain erupted in the front of my body, effusing like an ire tiger. “Please… Mercy…” I whimpered as I felt myself falling to my knees, my captors forced me down.
“I warned you, brave little brat, to never come here. Pirates nowadays… are so ignorant.” came the recognisable voice of Captain Wicked Beard.
My vision swirled, my mind trying to keep me from blacking out. But the pain was unbearable, and everything went dark.
I awoke to find myself bound to the mast of a ship, a crew of pirates surrounding me. But there was something different in the air. I could feel it. I had been taken to a new place, one filled with mystery and wonder. And I knew it. Somewhere here, I would find my treasure. I had come too far to give up now. I was a pirate, and I was here to find my hidden treasure.
Prompt 12: You are a private investigator trying to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation.
The night was dark and still, the perfect time for a bit of investigation. I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it. I had been warned that the task would be difficult, but I was ready to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I was a private investigator, allied with the most famous detective companies of all time and I was here to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation…
The MSPY corporation has been planning they’re sly moves for 3 years now, and so has my friends and I. It was time to end the most powerful corporation of this time, but we need evidence first, and that’s why, I’m here. The luminating light of the moon, reflected across MSPY’s main headquarter, glintterieng bright like diamonds in the dark. Everywhere I looked, I could feel the secrets and stories of the city, and I could almost hear the whispers of the past. I could feel the power of the task I had been given, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement, I was a detective, and I am here to uncover the most demonic corporation of all.
Wandering around the building was not enough. I must go in I thought. Even though I had strict orders not to go in, it was a must, and I will uncover MSPY’S biggest secrets. The headquarters were as quiet as a graveyard, the wind outside sneering at me and dancing around gracefully, the steady beat of the rain’s ‘pitter patter’ pacifying my heart. Then… right in front of me were guns, AK-47 and the most explosive bombs as well. I had found evidence.
I, the greatest investigator, have found the clue, and as I was returning back to the base of my headquarter, I felt my shoulders relax. I have and always will be, the greatest investigator that ever lived.
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of this narrative is well-formed, with a clear introduction, body and conclusion. However, it could benefit from a more fluid flow in terms of sentence structure and word choice to make the narrative more engaging. For example, instead of “I had been hired to uncover the secrets of a powerful corporation, and I was determined to do it,” you could use a phrase like “The quest to unveil the secrets of a powerful corporation was now in my hands and I was determined to unlock its mysteries.”
Sensory Imagery: 8/10
This narrative contains vivid sensory imagery that helps to draw the reader into the story. For example, the phrase “the luminating light of the moon, reflected across MSPY’s main headquarter, glintterieng bright like diamonds in the dark” successfully evokes a sense of mystery and suspense. However, the sensory imagery could be further enhanced with more engaging descriptions such as “the moonlight glittered across the building’s façade, creating a captivating display of ethereal diamonds.”
Creative plot: 9/10
This narrative has a creative plot that is well-developed and engaging. The protagonist’s determination to uncover the secrets of the powerful corporation and the unexpected discovery of guns and explosives give the story a sense of excitement and suspense. However, the plot could be further developed by adding more elements of surprise and unexpected twists.
Vivid Descriptions: 9/10
This narrative contains vivid descriptions that help to bring the story to life. For example, the phrase “the wind outside sneering at me and dancing around gracefully” does a great job of painting a picture of the setting. Additionally, the phrase “I could feel the power of the task I had been given, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement” evokes a strong sense of emotion.
Grammar: 9/10
This narrative has excellent grammar and syntax, with no errors in punctuation or spelling.
Vocabulary: 8/10
This narrative contains a wide range of vocabulary that helps to create a vivid image of the story. However, the vocabulary could be further enhanced by using words and phrases that are more sophisticated and magical. For example, instead of “luminating” you could use “illuminating” and instead of “glintterieng” you could use “glistening”.
Juxtaposition: 10/10
This narrative makes effective use of juxtaposition to create a sense of contrast between the protagonist’s determination to uncover the secrets of the powerful corporation and the unexpected discovery of guns and explosives.
Figurative Language: 10/10
This narrative makes effective use of figurative language, such as metaphors and similes, to bring the story to life. For example, the metaphor “I could feel the power of the task I had been given, and I was filled with a strange sense of anticipation and excitement” successfully evokes a strong sense of emotion.
Vocabulary List:
Illuminating, Glistening, Captivating, Ethereal, Unveil, Mysteries, Unexpected, Excitement, Anticipation, Suspense, Surprises, Twists, Sophisticated, Magical, Captivating, Enchanting, Enthralling, Mesmerizing, Magnificent, Enigmatic, Bewitching, Alluring.
I, the greatest investigator, have found the clue and as I made my way back to the headquarters with my newfound evidence, my heart raced with a strange sense of elation and anticipation. I was a detective and I was determined to unveil the mysteries of the powerful MSPY Corporation. As I neared the entrance of the building, I could feel the secrets and stories of the city, almost like a whisper in the wind. I could feel the powerful energy of the task emanating from my soul and I was ready to take on the challenge.
The moonlight glittered across the building’s façade, creating a captivating display of ethereal diamonds. The night was still and dark, the perfect time for a bit of investigation and I was determined to use my skills and knowledge to get the information I needed. I entered the main hall, my heart pounding with excitement, and as I looked around, I was met with an unexpected surprise. Everywhere I looked, I could see guns and bombs, the most explosive bombs of all. I had found the evidence, and I was ready to bring an end to the most powerful corporation of this time.
I had done it. I, the greatest investigator, had uncovered the secrets of one of the most enigmatic corporations of all. With a newfound sense of elation, I was ready to return the evidence to the base of my headquarters and put an end to this mysterious corporation once and for all. I was a detective, and I had found the evidence to prove it.