Week 1 Writing Homework Y6
- February 9, 2023
- 4:28 pm
- 10 Comments
Using 500 words, write about a place that holds special meaning for you, and describe how it makes you feel when you’re there. What memories does it bring back? How has it changed over time?
10 thoughts on “Week 1 Writing Homework Y6”
My HW is attached below.
Untitled document (1)
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 43/50
Structure: 8/10
“The passage is structured in a logical manner, but there needs to be more attention paid to the flow of the narrative. The author could structure it in a way that builds up to a climax and then resolves with a good conclusion. Additionally, they could add more vivid descriptions to the narrative to make it more interesting.”
Sensory Imagery: 7/10
“The author does a good job at using sensory imagery to describe the place. For example, “Every Saturday my mum and I would always go to the local mall to buy groceries and often she would buy me a toy from Kmart but the toy has to be under fifteen dollars.” However, they could use more sensory imagery to paint a more vivid picture of the place.”
Grammar, Syntax: 8/10
“The author does a good job at using correct grammar and syntax. However, there are a few minor errors that need to be corrected. For example, the sentence “Every once in a while she would extend the price” should be changed to “Every once in a while, she would extend the price.”
Characterization: 8/10
“The author does a great job of characterizing the place as a happy and exciting place. For example, they mention the “after-school care was very friendly” and “all the kids were friends even if we are in different grades.” However, they could use more detail to characterize the place in a more interesting way.
Vocabulary: 7/10
“The author does a good job of using a variety of words and phrases, but they could use more sophisticated language. For example, instead of using the phrase “pass the time” they could use the phrase “while away the hours.”
Juxtaposition: 8/10
“The author does a good job of using juxtaposition to compare the past and present. For example, they mention how “back then life was so easy and nice but now we have to do hardcore training for selective and OC (opportunity class).” However, they could add more juxtaposition to enhance the narrative.
Figurative Language: 5/10
“The author does not use any figurative language in this passage. To improve the narrative, they should use metaphors, similes and other figures of speech to create vivid images in the reader’s mind.
Vocabulary list:
Mall – shopping arcade
Kmart– retail outlet
Playgrounds – recreation grounds
Skit – Sketch
Hardcore – rigorous
Selective – selective enrollment
OC – opportunity class
Re-write:
I often find myself meandering through the avenues of my youth, transported to a place of fond memories and nostalgia. My old house, nestled in the heart of a vibrant suburb, is a place of solace and sanctuary to me, a place where I have spent the majority of my life and forged some of my most cherished memories.
Every Saturday, my mother and I would wander through the bustling shopping arcade, perusing the aisles of the retail outlet. Every so often, she would treat me to a toy, though the price was never to exceed fifteen dollars. And it was at those moments that she would extend the price, a gesture of love and compassion which I will always remember.
My old school was also a major part of my life. I have many fond memories of the multiple recreation grounds and the friendly after-school care. Children from all grades were united in friendship, and every two years we would come together to put on a skit or dance. Afterwards, we would roam the school with a sense of joy and contentment.
Although life seemed much simpler back then, we were not exempt from the rigours of selective enrollment and opportunity classes. Now, an hour of respite is a luxury, as most of our free time is devoted to such pursuits.
These are the reasons why this place is so special to me. I hope that as I continue to journey through this life, I will never forget the peace and serenity of my old house, and the cherished memories that it holds.
Here is my writing!
My Special Place
I’m sure you have a place that makes you feel special or a place that is special to you. It makes you happy, excited or maybe even sad.My home holds significant memories of my life. Or it can define a crucial part of the person you are now. A place that is really really special to me is my house and also my family.I think this because I have spent my whole life there and had many happy and exciting memories there and it will be kept in my heart for a long time.Things such as family, house memories and friends will definitely be remembered.
My home will always be my special home as it reminds me of family.To me family is so important as it helps me get through the most disastrous times and the best times. My family is important because they always offer support and security coupled with unconditional love.Along with that l can do many enjoyable things with my family in my home such as painting or playing games such as bullrush.
My home is always my special place as it gives me so many unforgettable memories.Everyday l always have unforgettable memories when l am playing games with family and even friends. There is always something to pass the time. Every Saturday my whole family would go grocery shopping to Westfield and if we had time we would buy food at hungry jacks or even buy new fashionable clothes for me and my sister.My home is not filled with hate all the time it is mostly filled with love!
Home is always my special place to be as l always have great moments with my friends.My friends can help me celebrate good times and provide support during bad times. To me friends prevent isolation and loneliness and give me a chance to offer needed companionship, too.l always have unforgettable moments with my friends such as play dates or even calling them on zoom.Like once for my birthday l had a party but because their was so many people we ordered three cakes.My best friends pranked me and put my head on the cake.It was a hilarious moment with my best friends!
These are the one of the many reasons why my home is my special place.Hopefully i will have many more and interesting moments under my home.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1a-4v-wqOcBd5HsuLDAqqONW0YmZ3I9U27OTIDdkviy4/edit
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall score: 44/50
Structure: 8/10
The structure of this narrative is well organised, with the writer making clear transitions between ideas and sections. However, the narrative could be improved by making sure that each idea is separated into its own paragraph to ensure clear reading. For example, “Things such as family, house memories and friends will definitely be remembered” could be followed by a new paragraph about “My family”.
Sensory imagery: 9/10
The writer’s use of sensory imagery is effective, with phrases such as “unforgettable memories” and “hilarious moment” helping to bring the story of the home to life. The writer could further develop this by providing more concrete details and images. For example, “The smell of freshly-baked cakes” or “The sound of laughter”.
Vivid descriptions: 8/10
The writer’s descriptions are vivid and help the reader to imagine the home. However, the writer could provide more detail to further develop the description, such as “The white walls that were now decorated with the artwork” or “The kitchen with its open-plan design”.
Grammar, syntax and vocabulary: 8/10
The writer’s grammar and syntax are sound, however, the vocabulary could be improved. Words such as “disastrous” and “unforgettable” help to add complexity and interest, but the writer could further develop this by including words such as “treasured”, “exuberant”, “perpetuate” and “intangible”.
Juxtaposition: 9/10
The writer uses juxtaposition effectively, with contrasting words and phrases such as “happy and excited” and “disastrous times”. This helps to create a vivid and engaging narrative.
Characterisation: 9/10
The writer does a good job of characterising their home, painting a vivid picture of the special place. The writer could further develop this by providing more detail about the characters associated with the home, such as “The loving mother who always had a smile on her face” or “The caring father who always had a word of advice”.
Figurative language: 9/10
The writer’s use of figurative language is excellent, with phrases such as “It makes you happy, excited or maybe even sad” helping to paint a vivid picture of the home.
Rewritten narrative:
My home is a place of solace and refuge. It shelters me with its embrace, like an embrace from an old friend. It is a place that holds significant memories and has been a part of my life since as far back as I can remember.
The walls of my home are painted a pristine white and are decorated with family photos and handmade artwork. As I walk from room to room, I am reminded of the countless moments of joy and sorrow that I have shared here with family and friends.
The kitchen is a place of comfort, with its open-plan design, and the smell of freshly-baked cakes wafting in the air. Every Saturday, my family would go to Westfield and buy groceries. If we were lucky, we would treat ourselves to a snack at Hungry Jacks.
The living room is a hub of laughter and cheer. We would play board games, cards and Bullrush. My friends would come over and we would throw themed parties and celebrate special occasions. I remember one of my birthdays, when my friends pranked me by putting my head on the cake. It was a hilarious moment that I will never forget.
My home is a haven of treasured memories. It is a place of joy and contentment, of security and love. It is a place that I know I can always come back to, and a place that will always stay close to my heart. No matter how much time passes, no matter how much the world changes, my home will always be my special place.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MzlLs8li_qZEmO1Rr2nHb_4E_IBfe7FgmQL6NE9YjjM/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1q1GrkN8bhTubNdIUrL4tWYcyNIizgAguG_DEqDOBjeg/edit
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall score: 17/20
Structure: 17/20
The structure of the narrative is well-crafted and easy to follow. It is clear and concise, and the points are well-supported. However, the structure could be improved by adding a conclusion at the end.
Sensory imagery: 16/20
The sensory imagery in the narrative was strong. For example, the phrase “emerald mountains dotted around the flat ground, like a green lego piece” paints a vivid image in the reader’s mind. However, the imagery could be further enhanced by adding more details to the description.
Grammar: 19/20
The grammar in the passage was excellent. The writer used the correct tenses and conjugations throughout the narrative. However, a few more commas could be used to further clarify the meaning.
Syntax: 18/20
The syntax was quite effective and the sentences were well-structured. However, the sentences could be improved by varying the length and structure to create a more dynamic rhythm.
Characterization: 18/20
The characterization of the narrative was quite effective. The writer was able to effectively convey the special significance of the airport in their life. However, the characterization could be further enhanced by including more personal details to give the narrative a more intimate feel.
Vocabulary: 16/20
The vocabulary used in the narrative was appropriate and effective. However, there were some words and phrases that could be replaced with more sophisticated words and phrases to add depth to the narrative.
Juxtaposition: 17/20
The juxtaposition in the narrative was effective. The writer was able to effectively contrast the speed of planes with boats, and the modern infrastructure of airports with picturesque landscapes. However, the juxtaposition could be further enhanced by including more examples.
Figurative language: 17/20
The figurative language used in the narrative was effective. For example, “gateway to other parts of the world” was used to effectively convey the symbolism of airports. However, the figurative language could be further enhanced by including more examples.
Vocabulary List:
• Unites me with my grandparents: Connects me with my grandparents
• Gateway to other parts of the world: Portal to other parts of the world
• Fast way to travel: Swift way to travel
• Picturesque landscapes: Idyllic landscapes
• Built-in stores: Integrated stores
• Mouth-dropping pictures: Stunning pictures
• Emerald mountains: Verdant mountains
• Sapphire blue oceans: Azure oceans
• Highly sophisticated architecture: Refined architecture
• Inflight-entertainment: In-flight entertainment
Rewritten narrative:
Of all the places in the world, one holds a special place in my heart – the airport. It connects me to my beloved grandparents who are miles away in India and is a passage to many foreign countries, allowing me to traverse the globe with unmatched speed and ease. The views of the emerald mountains, the azure oceans and the refined architecture of the airport provide me with the most stunning of pictures. At the same time, it provides me with the in-flight entertainment, integrated stores and other conveniences that make the journey worthwhile.
Every time I visit the airport, I am overcome with a sense of excitement as I am reminded of all the places I have been and the places I will go. It brings back fond memories of the trips I have taken and the loved ones I have seen. Although the airport has changed over time, with new technologies and services being introduced, the feeling of anticipation remains unchanged.
The airport holds a special meaning for me because it allows me to connect with my grandparents and explore the world. It is a portal that unlocks many possibilities, and each time I visit, it serves as a reminder of all the adventures that await me.
Everyone has their special moment somewhere in their lives and it could make us feel a hybrid of different emotions. The main reason why this is a special place to me is because of the time I spent there and the memories I had there. Before I settled in Australia I used to live in Dubai, UAE. At first, I wanted to go back to the old country I stayed in, but I reluctantly gave it a chance. We moved into a villa which was a wonderful place and had everything a person would need, and it was a 2 Storey house.
. At the time when I moved over there, there was almost no one in the whole villa. I could not go to school because of age criteria so to pass the time at home I played on my device. After a while, some kids my age came to the villa. Me and my brother made friends with them and every day me and my brother went and played outside with them, the average weather there was scorching hot so I remember every week me and my brother and our friends would go swimming. In my school, I had a lot of memories also as the classes were very well structured and the teachers and students were kind and friendly. The only part I didn’t like was that we had to wake up extremely early because our school bus comes there at 6:00.
I remember every so often we used to go to a mall to eat and we always went to different restaurants and while shopping I would pick out my snacks and sometimes toys.
Another moment which was special to me is on the weekends my brother and I would go to my friends house and play games on his ps4. Those small moments are now special to me because that was when life was so facile.
Everyday I Would come back home from school. My mom and dad were at work so there was a nanny Taking care of me. I would eat lunch and everyday I was always excited to play on my xbox after I ate with either my friends or my brother and later when my brother came back from school me and him would play outside with our friends and since our villa was as big as a mountain there were a ton of places to run around I would.d play until I heard a distant voice of my mom calling us to come back home.
In conclusion these are some of many reasons why this is one of my most special places for me and still thinking about it today makes me feel nostalgic.
A very special place
Thanks for waiting! Here’s the feedback for your writing! 🙂
Overall Score: 15/20
Structure: 8/10
The structure of the narrative is logical and effective, with events and memories being described in a clear and linear manner. To improve, try to vary the length of sentences, as some of them are quite lengthy and can be broken up into shorter sentences. Additionally, try to use a wider range of sentence structures, such as the use of dependent clauses, to make the narrative more engaging.
Sensory Imagery: 6/10
The sensory imagery of the narrative is quite effective in conveying the emotions and atmosphere of the special place. To improve, try to use a wider range of sensory detail to further create a vivid image in the reader’s mind. Examples of this could include the smell of the ocean, the sound of laughter, and the feeling of the sand beneath your feet.
Grammar: 5/10
The grammar of the narrative is generally correct, however there are a few errors which should be corrected. These include using the present perfect tense instead of the past simple tense, and using incorrect verb forms. As such, it is important to pay close attention to detail when writing.
Syntax: 5/10
The syntax of the narrative is effective in conveying the emotions and atmosphere of the special place, however there are a few improvements that could be made. Specifically, try to use a wider range of conjunctions, including subordinating conjunctions, to connect ideas and create more complex sentences. Additionally, try to use a wider range of sentence structures, such as the use of dependent clauses, to make the narrative more engaging.
Characterization: 4/10
The characterization of the narrative is largely effective in conveying the emotions and atmosphere of the special place. However, it can be improved by providing more detail about the people in the narrative, such as their motivations and personalities. This will help to make the characters more relatable and will allow the reader to connect with them more easily.
Vocabulary: 5/10
The vocabulary of the narrative is largely effective in conveying the emotions and atmosphere of the special place. However, it could be improved by using more sophisticated words and phrases. Examples of this could include ‘scorching’ instead of ‘hot’, ‘facile’ instead of ‘easy’, and ‘opulent’ instead of ‘big’.
Juxtaposition: 5/10
The juxtaposition of the narrative is effective in conveying the emotions and atmosphere of the special place. However, it can be improved by using more creative metaphors and similes to make the narrative more vivid and engaging. Examples of this could include comparing the villa to a palace, comparing the heat to a fire, and comparing the memories to a dream.
Figurative Language: 5/10
The figurative language of the narrative is effective in conveying the emotions and atmosphere of the special place. However, it can be improved by using a wider range of figurative language, such as metaphors and similes, to make the narrative more vivid and engaging. Examples of this could include comparing the villa to a palace, comparing the heat to a fire, and comparing the memories to a dream.
Vocab List:
Scorching, Facile, Opulent, Palace, Fire, Dream.
Rewritten Narrative:
I have a special place in my heart for the time I spent in Dubai, UAE. Before settling in Australia, I had a strong desire to return to my old home, but I eventually decided to give it a chance. We moved into a luxurious two-storey villa with all the amenities a person could need. When we first arrived, the villa was almost deserted, and so I spent my days playing on my device. Then, as luck would have it, some kids my age moved into the villa and me and my brother quickly made friends with them. Every day we would go outdoors to play, despite the sweltering heat, and go swimming together in the nearby pool.
My school was also a special place for me. I fondly recall the well-structured classes and the kind and friendly teachers and students. The only thing I didn’t like was having to wake up at the crack of dawn for the school bus. On the weekends my brother and I would go to my friend’s house and play games on his PS4.
In the evenings, I would come back home to an empty house, as my parents were at work and the nanny was taking care of me. After eating lunch, I would play either with my friends or with my brother, and when he came home from school we would explore the vast villa and play until we heard my mother’s distant call.
These small moments still feel magical to me, and I can’t help but feel a wave of nostalgia when I think back to that special place. It has changed over time, but the memories it has gifted me are forever etched in my heart.
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