Week 1 Writing Homework Y6

Using 500 words, write about a place that holds special meaning for you, and describe how it makes you feel when you’re there. What memories does it bring back? How has it changed over time?

9 thoughts on “Week 1 Writing Homework Y6”

  1. kit_shanhotmail-com

    My Writing Homework
    A place of personal significance

    Everyone has a special place in mind and it can make their hearts light up. A person’s special place is a crucial part of the person and makes them who they are. I have done many hikes but one hike made that hike a special memory and a place I would never forget.

    Mount Kosciuszko is Australia’s highest mountain and has been stuck to my brain ever since. I can memorise everything that happened on the hike and I will never forget it. Whenever I think of it a warm feeling reaches my heart and I can think of all the happy memories. My mom and I decided to hike Mount Kosciuszko with my mum’s friend and stayed over at a hotel for two nights. On the first day I waved my dad goodbye as the adventure would be three days and we set off. On the second day we did a hike that was 18 kilometres. On the third day we did the another hike that took much longer than we expected and was 24 kilometres. On that day it was hailing in the middle of our hike and we were soaked. Once we arrived at the hotel I immediately collapsed into the chair like I fainted. Since my mum’s friend was really nice she bought me a gift from the shops as a well done gift for completing the hike.

    I have felt a strong sense of pride and attachment ever since I had accomplished my mission. It is a very significant achievement for me to have done the hike as I never thought I would be able to do it but I pushed myself through and made it to the end. It holds a special place in the heart because of nature’s beauty as the scenery is beautiful and the snow creates an even better view as I haven’t seen snow that much as I have only been skiing twice. Whenever I think about it I attempt to encourage my mum if we can do it again as a whole family like I want a piece of chocolate cake. My mum always says no because it is way too hard but it has encouraged me to hike more and do more vigorous hikes.

    For me, Mount Kosciuszko is a place of challenge and achievement where I can push myself physically and mentally to reach the summit and feel proud of what I have achieved. It has encouraged me to hike more and always strive to do my best and accomplish my goal. Mount Kosciuszko is a place that hold a special meaning to me to strive to do my best. I will never forget the peace and proudness in my heart when I reached the summit.

    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Score: 33/50

      Criticism and direct quotes with explanations for improvement:

      Structure: The organization of the journal entry could be improved by adding transitions between ideas and including more details about the hike and the memory.

      Example: “The hike was a long one, 18 kilometers on the second day and 24 kilometers on the third, and along the way we encountered some unexpected obstacles, like hail.”

      Sensory imagery: The sensory imagery could be improved by including more vivid descriptions that evoke the five senses.

      Example: “I could feel a chill in the air and smell the scent of pine needles as I looked around at the snow-covered trees.”

      Grammar: There are a few minor grammar errors throughout the journal entry, such as incorrect use of the apostrophe.

      Example: “My mum’s friend was really nice” should be “My mom’s friend was really nice.”

      Vocabulary: The writer could benefit from using more varied and sophisticated vocabulary throughout the journal entry.

      Example: “A person’s special place is a crucial part of the person and makes them who they are” could be “A person’s special place is integral to their identity and makes them who they are.”

      Emotional appeal: The emotional appeal could be improved by adding more details about the memories and feelings associated with the place.

      Example: “Whenever I think about it, I can feel a wave of nostalgia washing over me, and I’m reminded of the sense of accomplishment and pride I felt when I reached the summit.”

      Figurative language: The journal entry could be improved with more figurative language to help bring the text to life.

      Example: “The challenge of the hike was like a puzzle to solve, and when I reached the summit, I felt like I had conquered the mountain.”

      5 Reworded Phrases:

      – My mother’s acquaintance was particularly kind
      – I felt a deep sense of pride and attachment
      – I fondly recall the spectacular scenery
      – I long to take on the challenge again
      – I took on the obstacle with vigor

      Wordlist of Improved Vocabulary:

      – Acquaintance: friend
      – Crucial: essential
      – Encounter: encounter
      – Obstacles: hindrances
      – Particular: particular
      – Puzzle: conundrum
      – Scenery: vista
      – Soaked: drenched
      – Spectacular: stunning
      – Striving: endeavoring
      – Summit: pinnacle
      – Vigor: determination

      Rewritten in the Magic of Jane Austen:

      Everyone possesses a place that stirs their heart and makes them who they are. Mount Kosciuszko is an experience of mine that will forever remain engraved in my memory. My mother and her friend and I decided to embark on the journey, bidding my father adieu as we embarked on our three-day trek.

      The second day we walked for eighteen kilometers, and on the third, we strode for a longer distance of twenty-four kilometers. During our journey, we were met with a sudden shower of hail, leaving us soaked to the bone. Fortunately, my mother’s friend was kind enough to buy me a present in honor of completing the expedition.

      From then on, I have felt deeply proud of myself for accomplishing my mission, and it has become an integral part of my identity. The scenery was magnificent, and I was in awe of the snow, as I had only gone skiing twice before. I cherish the memories of our journey, and often request to repeat it with the entire family, to which my mother replies that it is too strenuous. Nevertheless, my experience has caused me to take on more arduous hikes and strive to do my best.

      Mount Kosciuszko is a place of challenge and accomplishment which I hold dear to my heart. Every time I recall the summit, I am reminded of the pride and peace I felt upon arriving there. Though I may never repeat the journey, it has instilled within me a desire to persist and always reach for my goals.

    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Score: 40/50

      Structure: The journal entry is well structured and contains a clear beginning, middle, and end. However, it would benefit from more transitions between the ideas, such as “Meanwhile,” “Subsequently,” or “In the interim.” 4/5

      Sensory Imagery: The writer used vivid descriptions of sight, sound, smell, and touch to create an immersive experience. However, there is no mention of taste. 4.5/5

      Grammar: The grammar is generally sound, with no major errors. A few minor punctuation mistakes are present, such as the lack of a comma after “Smiling” and “Waltzing”. 4.5/5

      Vocabulary: The writer’s vocabulary is generally good, and it is clear that effort has been made to improve the quality. However, many of the words are overly simple. 4/5

      Emotional Appeal: The writer effectively conveys the emotions that the experience of being at home brings. 5/5

      Figurative Language: The writer has used a few effective metaphors, such as “My reaction was like a penguin reuniting with their family after a long time of catching fish” and “The frosty snowflakes fell down from the sky like feathers falling down from a bird”. However, more could have been used to further engage the reader. 4/5

      Reworded Phrases for Inspiration:
      1. Instead of “My reaction was like a penguin reuniting with their family after a long time of catching fish”, try “My reaction was like a joyous reunion between a penguin and its family after a long period of searching for sustenance.”
      2. Instead of “As the frosty snowflakes fell down from the sky like feathers falling down from a bird”, try “The frosty snowflakes descended from the sky like a cascade of feathers from a starling.”
      3. Instead of “My jaw dropped as I saw my mother carrying a golden retriever”, try “I was astounded when I saw my mother cradling a golden retriever.”
      4. Instead of “Hundreds of pieces of Pineapple’s fur were spreaded all around my room”, try “Hundreds of strands of Pineapple’s fur were dispersed throughout my room.”
      5. Instead of “Sucking up the fur was a relief from all the terrible mess”, try “Vacuuming the fur was a reprieve from the chaotic disarray.”

      Improved Vocabulary Wordlist:
      1. Lashes
      2. Reuniting
      3. Inferno
      4. Waltzing
      5. Waltz
      6. Mouthwatering
      7. Decadent
      8. Delightful
      9. Frosty
      10. Gazed
      11. Aroma
      12. Decadent
      13. Rolling
      14. Highlight
      15. Barking
      16. Placed
      17. Leather
      18. Sprinted
      19. Spreaded
      20. Cozy
      21. Gaped
      22. Strolled
      23. Sucking
      24. Relief
      25. Terrible
      26. Disarray
      27. Cold
      28. Reprieve
      29. Chaotic
      30. Serenity

      Rewritten Journal Entry:
      As I opened the door with a flourish, I felt a wave of warmth wash over me and a welcoming hug from my family. Reunited, I felt a surge of joy, as if I was a penguin finding its kin after a long and arduous voyage. I took in the atmosphere of the room, the heat of the fire like a raging inferno, and the soothing sensation of the smooth, hardwood floor beneath my feet. My eyes widened when I saw my mother cradling a golden retriever, and I eagerly suggested the name Pineapple for its yellowish hue. Her response was a resounding yes, and I felt a thrill of joy as I heard the car’s honk-like sound of her voice.

      The sight of the snowflakes, floating down from the sky like feathers from a bird, was a beautiful sight. And the aroma of a hot, sweet, chocolatey delight emanating from the kitchen was more than enough to rouse me to action; I almost slipped on the golden fur of Pineapple as I rushed to the kitchen. The rich and decadent chocolate flavour that filled my mouth was indescribable, yet it paled in comparison to the pleasure of sitting beside the warm fireplace with my hot chocolate. However, the joy of the moment was interrupted when I heard Pineapple barking from my bedroom, so I quickly placed my hot drink on the leather couch and hastened to his aid.

      Much to my surprise, my bedroom was covered in Pineapple’s fur, so I dashed to the laundry room to grab the vacuum cleaner. The act of sucking up the fur was a welcome respite from the chaotic disarray. I returned to the living room to find my hot chocolate had grown cold, yet a burst of laughter at the sight of Cheesehead slipping on a banana peel quickly lifted my spirits. Pineapple then sat on my lap, his tail wagging, and I felt contentment wash over me. I carefully placed Pineapple in his pet bed with his favourite toy Waddles, and I then tucked myself in the warm blankets of my bed. As I drifted off to sleep, I was filled with a sense of peacefulness and the fond memories of this special place. Home.

    1. scholarlywritingfeedbackgmail-com

      Score: 40/50

      Structure: This journal entry is organized clearly, with a short introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the writer could further develop the paragraphs by adding more details and furthering the argument. For example, having the writer explain the memories and experiences they had in more detail.

      Sensory Imagery: The writer uses sensory words to describe the place, such as “comfortable”, “reminders”, and “motivating”. However, the writer could benefit from adding more vivid images that evoke a strong emotional response. For example, the writer could describe the smell of the home, the atmosphere of the house, or the sound of laughter.

      Grammar: The journal entry is written in correct English. The writer could benefit from combing through the text for any typos or incorrect word choices.

      Vocabulary: The writer uses a variety of vocabulary throughout the essay. However, the writer could benefit from replacing some of the basic words with more sophisticated words. For example, instead of using “funny”, the writer could use “humorous”.

      Emotional Appeal: The writer successfully evokes emotion by describing the experiences they’ve had at home. The writer could further develop this emotion by adding more details and describing their feelings in more detail. For example, the writer could describe how they felt when they first moved into their home or the first time they shared a special moment with their family.

      Figurative Language: The writer does not use any figurative language in the passage. The writer could benefit from adding some figurative language to give the passage more life and to evoke a strong emotional response.

      Reworded phrases:
      1. Instead of “what makes it my special place”, the writer could say “what renders it my treasured abode”
      2. Instead of “what is it”, the writer could say “what is the location”
      3. Instead of “I enjoy staying”, the writer could say “I delight in remaining”
      4. Instead of “I’d play around with the hose”, the writer could say “I would cavort with the hose”
      5. Instead of “it always reminds me”, the writer could say “it incessantly brings to mind”

      Improved Vocabulary:
      Comfort, Motivates, Appreciate, Essential, Humorous, Treasured, Abode, Location, Delight, Cavort, Incessantly, Brings to mind.

      Rewritten Entry:
      My home is my cherished abode- one of the most special things to me. It affords me solace and serves as an everlasting reminder of my family, teaching me the importance of cherishing it and granting me experiences for my future. I am deeply grateful for its presence in my life, as it continuously motivates me and guides me in the right direction. There is no particular reason why it is my beloved abode, it simply is.

      I have had countless memorable moments in my home- playing sports in the backyard, watching funny videos with my family, and even playing with my friend’s dog. Exploring the outdoors with the hose and playing a game of soccer at the park were some of my most cherished memories that I will always cherish.

      My beloved abode has reminded me of the hard work I have put in to gain entrance into Selective. Although I was originally not inclined to do my work, I began to recognize its importance in the 5th grade. From then on, I dedicated myself to my studies. My home continues to be a source of inspiration, reminding me of my family’s unwavering support.

      Everyone has a special place that holds a special meaning to them, and mine is my home. It brings back fond memories of times spent with my family and motivates me to remain on the right path. My home is my cherished abode, and it will forever remain that way.

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