Scholarship W2 Writing
- January 15, 2024
- 2:28 pm
- 68 Comments
Part 1
Hw is Write Characterisation Masterpiece on a Despondent, forlorn man/woman (500 words)
Part 2
Send Steve a voice recording (3 min) answering the interview questions about who you are and why you want to attend x school.
Optional Homework
Practise speed writing on the following topics (copying and adapting phrases from your masterpieces):
- Unexpected Inheritance: “When Emily received a letter stating she had inherited a small cottage in the countryside from an unknown relative, she was filled with curiosity and scepticism.” Continue the story by describing her journey to the cottage, the secrets she uncovers about her family, and the changes this discovery brings to her life.
- The Lost Manuscript: “In the back of an old, dusty cupboard in his grandfather’s study, Jack found an ancient-looking manuscript with intriguing symbols and writings.” Continue the story by exploring the manuscript’s origins, the secrets it holds, and how it affects Jack’s understanding of his grandfather’s past.
- A Forgotten Boat: “Sarah stumbled upon an old, abandoned boat hidden in the reeds by the lakeside, and on a whim, decided to restore it.” Continue the story by detailing the challenges she faces during the restoration, the historical significance of the boat she uncovers, and the new relationships she forms in the process.
Make sure to submit Homework as a Comment Here,
Once done ask Steve for more homework on WhatsApp
68 thoughts on “Scholarship W2 Writing”
My Week 2 Writing Homework
Week 2 Writing Homework (2)
FEEDBACK:
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative demonstrates a coherent plot with a clear progression of events, particularly highlighting Freddy’s internal conflict. The moment where Freddy encounters the police station poster is a pivotal point, reinforcing his dilemma. However, the narrative would benefit from a more explicit exposition of the ‘incident’ Freddy is ruminating about. This would provide readers with a clearer understanding of his predicament and deepen their engagement with the story.
Body Reactions, Outfits and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
You’ve paid keen attention to the description of Freddy’s physical reactions and attire, such as “Ballpoint pens bounced into his bag” and “his tie was adjusted promptly.” To enhance the narrative, consider incorporating descriptions that reflect Freddy’s emotional state, like a tie that feels constrictive or a briefcase that seems heavier than usual, symbolising his emotional burden.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory details, such as “sweat cascaded down his back,” effectively immerses the reader in Freddy’s experience. To further amplify this, consider expanding on environmental sensory details, like the sounds of the city or the feel of the cool stone against his skin at the police station, to create a more immersive atmosphere.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 7/10
Freddy is portrayed with depth, particularly through his internal conflicts and physical responses. To add further dimension to his character, consider exploring his past experiences or personal traits that contribute to his current state. This would provide a fuller picture of his character and motivations.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative is generally well-structured with appropriate grammar. However, there are instances where sentence structure could be varied to enhance readability and flow. For instance, shorter sentences could be used to convey Freddy’s frantic thoughts or feelings of urgency.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your vocabulary is fitting and expressive, capturing the mood effectively. To enrich the narrative, consider the following synonyms:
Depressedly, Synonym: Despondently
Clambered, Synonym: Scrambled
Pulsate, Synonym: Throb
Cascaded, Synonym: Tumbled
Misery, Synonym: Desolation
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative engagingly portrays Freddy’s internal turmoil and physical responses, weaving in detailed descriptions of his actions and surroundings. The structure is coherent, guiding the reader through Freddy’s early morning ordeal. However, there is room for deeper character development and more varied sentence structures to enhance engagement and readability. The use of vivid and sensory language is commendable, though further expansion on environmental details could create a more immersive experience. Consider exploring Freddy’s background or personal characteristics to add depth to his character. Additionally, more clarity around the central ‘incident’ would provide readers with a better understanding of his motivations.
Suggestions for Improvement
Introduce more background information about Freddy and the ‘incident’ to provide context.
Vary sentence structure to reflect the changing pace and intensity of Freddy’s emotions.
Expand on environmental sensory details for a more immersive reader experience.
Deepen characterisation by exploring Freddy’s past experiences or traits.
Utilise synonyms to enhance the narrative’s vocabulary and expressiveness.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
“As the shopkeeper strode past, Freddy’s gaze shot up to his laptop’s clock. “Five a.m.,” he croaked, the sound startling him. The shop’s blurred counters sharpened into focus. Overwhelmed, he buried his face in his hands, feeling a relentless throb in his skull. His fingers listlessly moved to the laptop’s mousepad, stained with thick coffee spills. As he keyed in the last figures on his spreadsheet, a poignant ache surged in his heart, echoing like a sombre melody within him. He clumsily reached for his laptop case, pens tumbling into his bag. He swiftly adjusted his tie and gathered his folders, tucking them under his arm.
The total came to ten dollars, eighty-five pence. As Freddy swiped his card, a wave of desolation washed over him. His footsteps echoed on the pavement, his heart heavy with unshed tears. Memories of the incident swirled in his mind, tormenting him. He’d perpetuated the lie, shunned clarity, and now bore the burden of secrecy alone. Disclosure could tarnish his bright future, yet silence weighed heavily on his conscience.
Passing a sandstone building amidst the city’s clamour, Freddy’s eyes fixated on a poster: ‘POLICE STATION. OPEN 24/7. CALL 000 FOR ANY CONCERNS. NEVER HESITATE.’ The words resonated within him, echoing in his amygdala. He leaned against a column, sweat trickling down his spine. Should he confess? The thought filled him with uncertainty and a deepening depression. Was freedom worth the perpetual echo of guilt in his mind?”
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1H3KW8xd0MvPxFO4wZ8u-U0CxmIQOh1z4Y86W1fu55DM/edit
This is my writing homework.
Hello Rosalie!
I am writing to request access to the Google Document you recently shared with us. It appears that the document is currently set to private, which means we are unable to view the content at this time.
Could you kindly adjust the settings to either “Public” or “Anyone with the link can view” so we can proceed in marking your homework.
Best regards,
Scholarly
I have changed the settings please try again. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1H3KW8xd0MvPxFO4wZ8u-U0CxmIQOh1z4Y86W1fu55DM/edit
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative effectively conveys a sense of escalating emotional turmoil, reflected in the protagonist’s inner conflict and external actions. The progression from internal struggle to physical manifestation of anger is well structured. The moment where “He was so stupid. He was a failure. A nothing.” poignantly encapsulates the climax of his emotional journey. To enhance the plot, consider introducing subtle foreshadowing in the early stages, perhaps through symbolic elements in his daily life that hint at his deep-seated frustration.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
You vividly describe the protagonist’s physical reactions to his emotions, like “Tears poured down his eyes, a volcano erupting inside.” This visceral imagery is compelling. However, the narrative could benefit from more detailed descriptions of his appearance or attire, which could serve as metaphors for his emotional state. For instance, describing the state of his clothes or the objects he interacts with could add depth.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory language, such as “The rain resounded ruthlessly,” effectively sets a sombre mood. The comparison of rain to booming emotions is a powerful metaphor. To further enhance the narrative, consider incorporating more varied sensory details, like the feel of the rain or the sound of the glass shattering, to immerse the reader more fully in the scene.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 7/10
The protagonist’s emotional depth is clear, but his character feels slightly one-dimensional due to the focus on a singular aspect of his personality – his rage and despair. Providing glimpses into his past or hints at his other traits could offer a more rounded portrayal. Maybe a memory or an object in the room could trigger a brief recollection of happier times or different facets of his character.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 5/5
Your command of grammar and syntax is strong, with sentences flowing smoothly and effectively conveying the intended meaning. The narrative’s structure allows for easy comprehension and maintains the reader’s interest.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Tedious, Synonym: Monotonous
Despondently, Synonym: Dejectedly
Whirlwind, Synonym: Maelstrom
Enraged, Synonym: Infuriated
Fury, Synonym: Ire
Overall, your narrative is engaging and emotionally resonant. To further refine your writing:
Incorporate subtle foreshadowing to hint at the protagonist’s emotional journey.
Use descriptions of attire or surroundings as metaphors for emotional states.
Include a wider range of sensory details for a more immersive experience.
Offer glimpses into other aspects of the protagonist’s character for a multi-dimensional portrayal.
Experiment with varying sentence structures to add rhythm and emphasis to key moments.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
Cracked Emotions
Each day was a monotonous cycle of dreary work, a constant barrage of reminders to excel. His demeanour never betrayed his turmoil, yet a gnawing self-doubt nibbled at his heart, a persistent fear of inadequacy deeply ingrained.
The rain hammered relentlessly, mirroring his faltering confidence. This rhythmic symphony crafted a gloomy, oppressive atmosphere. He gazed dejectedly out the window, the rain’s crescendo mirroring his inner chaos. Tears streamed down his face, emotions erupting like a volcano within. Anger coursed through him, sweeping away all sorrow, his face contorted with intense bitterness.
His thoughts swirled in a maelstrom, as self-doubt overwhelmed him. Insecurity poured out, uncontrollable and fierce. It was his own doing. In fury, he overturned the table, his eyes fixating on the now shattered mirror – a keepsake from his late mother. Her disappointment seemed to echo in the fragmented reflection. His tears continued to flow.
He berated himself – stupid, a failure, insignificant.
With clenched fists, he pushed past the sorrow, wreaking havoc in the room. Glass shards flew as a paperweight crashed against the mirror, the useless memento no longer bearable.
Teeth gritted in anger, he slammed the door behind him, a forced smile masking his raging turmoil.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fTCik8Hq8kz6J_VDT0VrHD-gx4Hkz5IDF9OKKeSWqQY/edit
FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10: Your narrative effectively conveys a mood of desolation and introspection, which is essential for the plot’s melancholic theme. The sequence of events is clear and progresses logically, enhancing the emotional impact. For instance, the line “He seemed not to notice anything that happened around him at all” aptly sets the tone. To enhance the plot, consider adding subtle hints of the protagonist’s past or what led to his current state, providing depth to the narrative arc.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10: Your description of the protagonist’s physical state and attire, such as “loose hands clutching on the cold metal bars,” vividly portrays his disconnection and discomfort. Further expansion could include more details about the texture and condition of his clothing to reflect his internal state, and perhaps reactions of his body to the cold, like shivering or numbness, to deepen the reader’s empathetic connection.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 9/10: You excellently employ sensory language, painting a vivid picture of the scene. Phrases like “snow capped his shoulders” and “the glow of the lone lantern” effectively evoke the senses. To further enhance this, consider incorporating more auditory and tactile elements, like the crunch of snow underfoot or the biting cold against skin, to fully immerse the reader in the environment.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10: The protagonist’s internal monologue offers insight into his emotional state, adding complexity to his character. “His eyes betrayed the jealousy he felt” is a poignant example. Further development could include more backstory or internal conflicts, providing a clearer understanding of his motivations and feelings, and perhaps a glimpse into his hopes or dreams, however faded they might be.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5: The narrative is well-constructed with a good command of grammar and syntax. Sentences like “He wasn’t just lonely- he also wasn’t satisfied with his life” demonstrate effective use of structure to convey emotion. Occasionally, more varied sentence structures could be employed to enhance the rhythm and flow of the narrative.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Morose, Synonym: Melancholic
Threadbare, Synonym: Worn
Unbearably, Synonym: Intolerably
Pitiful, Synonym: Pathetic
Despair, Synonym: Hopelessness
In conclusion, your narrative successfully evokes a strong sense of melancholy and introspection. The detailed descriptions and effective use of language immerse the reader in the protagonist’s world. However, there’s room for improvement in developing the plot and characters. More background information could provide a fuller understanding of the protagonist’s circumstances. Diversifying sentence structure and enriching the vocabulary can enhance the narrative’s impact. Including more sensory details will further draw the reader into the story’s atmosphere.
To further improve your writing:
Introduce subtle elements of the protagonist’s backstory to add depth.
Incorporate a wider range of sensory details for a more immersive experience.
Utilise varied sentence structures to improve the narrative flow.
Expand the vocabulary to enrich the descriptions and emotional impact.
Explore the protagonist’s internal conflicts and desires for a multi-dimensional character portrayal.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
His silhouette leaned languidly against the railing, fingers loosely wrapped around the icy metal. The morning’s frosty air was biting, the pathways blanketed in snow, yet he was garbed merely in a plain shirt and trousers. Oblivious to his surroundings, he blended seamlessly into the frigid landscape and the snow-laden thresholds, which barred ingress and egress. Flakes adorned his shoulders, ignored in his despondent stoop, shoulders hunched forward in misery. His gaze, empty and distant, overlooked the festive, twinkling Christmas lights, focusing solely on a solitary lantern at the road’s end.
Lost in reverie, he watched a group of children frolicking in the snow, their laughter contrasting sharply with his silent grimace. As they reveled in the icy embrace, joyfully lobbing snowballs, his envy simmered. To him, the snow was a hindrance on his work-bound journeys, the mist from his breath a bitter reminder of the harsh climate.
He was cocooned in his own world, deaf to the bustling footsteps and curious whispers of passersby. Yet, his mind was far from idle. Envy gnawed at him as he observed the carefree throng, their lives seemingly filled with purpose and joy. From his peripheral vision, he watched couples and festive shoppers, all bustling with holiday fervor, while he remained an aloof observer.
He likened himself to a lone cloud, adrift and melancholic, overshadowed by others soaring jubilantly in the sky. Like a fish forever at the aquarium’s bottom, he felt scrutinized by those carefree at the surface. Solitude was his only companion in a world where everyone else seemed to revel in companionship and joy. Resignation had replaced any hope for a stroke of fortune in his life, accepting his fate as immutable.
Amidst the festive cheer, his presence was a stark contrast, emanating an aura of despair, loneliness, and dissatisfaction. His threadbare attire and forlorn stance over the frigid railing spoke volumes of his plight, a silent testament to his sorrow visible to even the most casual observer.
Please find attached the writing homework about the Forlorn Man. Thank you for your feedback to help me improve.
WK2 – Grade 6 Writing Homework – Emily YOUNG – The rise of Forlorn
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative effectively crafts a story of transformation and redemption, illustrating a complete journey from despair to hope. The plot is engaging, with clear progression from the protagonist’s initial desolation to his eventual success and the opportunity to pay forward the kindness he received. However, the transition from the man’s recovery to becoming a successful businessman feels slightly abrupt. To enhance the narrative, consider elaborating on his journey towards success, which could provide a deeper insight into his character development. For instance, “Soon he left this job and got a better one that allowed him to make a positive impact on the world” could be expanded to show the challenges and milestones he faced along the way.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
The descriptions of the characters through their physical appearance and attire, such as “a skinny young man adorned in ragged clothes” and the “stocky well-dressed wealthy young man,” are vivid and contribute significantly to their characterisation. To further enhance these descriptions, you could include more sensory details and reactions that reflect their inner states or the impact of their surroundings. For example, describing how the wealthy man’s demeanor changes as he approaches the homeless man could add depth to his character.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 7/10
Your use of vivid and sensory language, such as “the sun rose from below the earth, casting golden rays of sunlight,” effectively creates a vivid setting and mood. To further elevate your narrative, consider integrating more varied sensory details, like sounds, smells, and tactile sensations, to fully immerse the reader in the scene. For instance, describing the sounds of the city or the feel of the morning breeze could add another layer of realism to the setting.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10
The characters in your story are well-defined, with clear motivations and transformations. The wealthy man’s altruism and the protagonist’s journey from despair to success are compelling. However, their emotional depth could be further explored. For instance, revealing more about the wealthy man’s background or motivations could make him more relatable and add complexity to his character.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative is generally well-written, with a clear structure and good use of grammar. There are occasional awkward phrasings, such as “Pinky promises you will pay the favor,” which could be refined for clarity and flow. Consider rephrasing it to something like, “He extended his pinky, sealing the promise with a childhood gesture.”
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Ragged, Synonym: Tattered
Expansive, Synonym: Vast
Stocky, Synonym: Burly
Intricate, Synonym: Detailed
Desolation, Synonym: Despair
Overall, your narrative is engaging and emotionally resonant. Here are some suggestions for further improvement:
Develop characters by exploring their emotions and backgrounds more deeply.
Include more sensory details to enrich the setting and atmosphere.
Expand on key transitions in the story to provide a more rounded narrative arc.
Refine syntax and phrasing for greater clarity and impact.
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance expression and depth.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
As the wind roared through the trees and the crickets serenaded the night, a gaunt young man lay sprawled across the vast parkland. Clad in tattered garments, his lifeless gaze stared blankly into the void. His hair, matted and unkempt, resembled a bird’s nest, but it was his skin that bore the cruellest marks of his plight – maggots writhed on his pallid face. Despair clung to him like a second skin, its weight evident in every shallow breath.
Abruptly, a shaft of brilliant sunlight pierced the gloom, accompanied by the resounding cadence of approaching footsteps. Emerging from the light’s direction was a burly man, exuding a mix of hope and authority. His designer suit, immaculately tailored, spoke of affluence, while his polished shoes gleamed under the sun’s caress. The golden Rolex on his wrist glittered, each facet reflecting a world of opulence. As he neared the lifeless figure, he scrutinised the scene before making a call on his sleek, titanium Apple iPhone.
Rapidly, ambulances converged on the park. The man, upon awakening in a hospital bed, found himself clean and revitalised. His saviour stood nearby, the embodiment of the kindness that had rescued him.
“Why did you help me?” he inquired.
“Because I believed in your potential to pay it forward,” the wealthy man replied, extending his pinky in a gesture of innocence and trust.
With newfound determination, the man embarked on a journey of self-improvement, securing a modest job. Each day, he strived to embody the kindness shown to him, his face alight with joy and his eyes sparkling with purpose. Gradually, he ascended to the ranks of a successful businessman, his life a testament to the power of compassion.
Years later, during a winter stroll, he encountered a homeless man, a mirror image of his former self. Moved by the flicker of hope in the man’s eyes, he repeated the act of kindness he had once received. Astonishingly, the homeless man was his original benefactor, now fallen on hard times. The revelation deepened their bond, and together they left the hospital, stepping into a new day bathed in golden sunlight, their friendship a beacon of hope in a world often shrouded in despair.
Dear:Steve,
This is my 500 word writing homework for the Year 6, Week 2 ZOOM Scholarship Course. Thank you so much!
https://1drv.ms/w/s!AjvOjLds60BxgQUUFUGfosdGnYMd
Kindest Regards,
Bianca Ng
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative effectively conveys a vivid story, encapsulating the protagonist’s struggles and environment. The plot is clear, focusing on the man’s physical and emotional journey. For instance, “His face was a mere plaster taped onto his face, what may seem as a jolly and cheerful was a covering of his internal suffering and heartbreak,” adeptly portrays his inner turmoil. To enhance the plot, consider developing a clearer narrative arc, perhaps by introducing subtle hints of the man’s past or his aspirations, adding depth to his journey.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
You’ve provided detailed descriptions of the character’s physical state and attire, such as “His hands rested upon his limp leg, a stinging pain escalating through.” These details vividly bring the character to life. To further improve, consider balancing these descriptions with more contextual details about the environment or interactions with objects, adding a layer of interaction and dynamism to the scene.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 9/10
Your use of sensory language is impressive, painting a clear picture in the reader’s mind. Phrases like “the sound of a shoe dragging along the tainted, besmirched pavement” effectively evoke the setting’s atmosphere. Expanding on sensory descriptions related to smell, taste, or touch could provide an even more immersive experience for the reader.
Multi-dimensional Characters – Score: 7/10
You’ve successfully created a multi-dimensional character, showcasing his physical and emotional struggles. However, the character could benefit from more background or motivational details, providing insights into why he is in his current situation. This would give the character more depth and relatability.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your grammar and syntax are generally strong, with complex structures that add to the narrative’s richness. For instance, “His twisted ankle hanged limply,” though it should be ‘hung’ instead of ‘hanged’. To improve, watch out for minor errors and maintain consistency in tense and agreement.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your vocabulary is diverse and appropriate for the narrative’s tone. Here are some synonyms to consider:
Enfeebled, Synonym: Debilitated
Hobbling, Synonym: Limping
Sombre, Synonym: Melancholic
Arenaceous, Synonym: Sandy
Caliginous, Synonym: Dim
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative compellingly portrays the struggles of an old man, using detailed descriptions and emotive language. The vivid imagery and sensory details effectively draw readers into the scene. However, further development in character background and a more pronounced narrative arc could enhance the story’s depth. Additionally, careful attention to grammar and syntax will refine the writing.
To improve your writing:
Introduce more backstory or motivations for the main character.
Balance descriptive details with action or dialogue to maintain narrative momentum.
Expand sensory descriptions to include a wider range of senses.
Ensure grammatical accuracy and tense consistency throughout.
Experiment with varying sentence structures for rhythm and emphasis.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
The delicate webs of skin stretched over the weakened frame of the man, his stooped posture betraying a sense of self-doubt and hesitation. Fear echoed across his countenance, a vortex of uncertainty and ambivalence mirrored in his laboured limping on one foot, the other trailing behind. With each grimace of pain, the sound of his shoe scraping the stained, sullied pavement echoed through the desolate street. His face, a mask of false joviality, concealed his inner turmoil and heartache, a veneer over his deep-seated anguish and sorrow.
This gaunt figure meandered through the gritty, dimly-lit streets, weighed down by insecurity. His hands, wracked with pain, clung to his weak leg. His crutches, gripped by calloused, raw hands, bore the brunt of his weight, seeming as though they were his lifeline. His twisted ankle, wrapped in bandages and makeshift cardboard splints, hung uselessly, bearing the scars of a harsh day’s rain.
The coarse, leather-like grip of the crutches bore the imprints of his scabbed fingertips, evidence of their constant use. The man’s expression was fraught with trouble, his brow temporarily furrowed in distrust. His frail hands encircled the fragile frame of the crutches, trembling in the biting cold of winter. His once thick, vibrant hair had succumbed to the touch of Jack Frost, now speckled with snow and ice, contrasting with the occasional strand of black hair.
His hoarse, rasping voice broke the silence of the murky alley, lit only by a solitary light. The crutches lay beside him, a silent testament to his resilience. His peridot-grey, almond-shaped eyes, now a deeper olive-green, reflected his fear and deep-seated pain. His nails, cracked and bleeding, told a story of struggle, his hands stiff from the day’s unrelenting grip on his crutches.
Extending his leg, he cautiously placed his injured foot on the rough ground, pondering his life’s choices with a heavy heart.
A Desolate Sole
In the vast canvas of desolation, the forlorn man emerged as a spectral presence, his silhouette a mere whisper against the backdrop of fading sunlight. His eyes, like tarnished mirrors, reflected the landscape of his despondency, capturing the ephemeral beauty of sorrow in their depths.
His footsteps echoed through the silence, each one a muted drumbeat in the symphony of his solitude. It was as if the very air around him carried the weight of unspoken sorrows, and every inhale was a struggle against the suffocating embrace of melancholy.
His spirit, once a kaleidoscope of dreams now resembled a wilting flower in the garden of despair. The vibrant hues of his aspirations had dimmed to muted shades, and the fragrance of hope had surrendered to the scent of fading petals. Every day unfolded like a sepia-toned photograph, a snapshot frozen in time, capturing the essence of his desolate journey.
The man’s voice, a timeworn instrument, played a melancholic melody that resonated with the echoes of his internal battles. It was as if the very notes were etched on the parchment of his soul, a musical manuscript that told the tale of dreams dismantled by the hands of fate.
Isolation clung to him like a second skin, a tattered cloak that shielded him from the warmth of human connection. The laughter of others seemed distant, a muffled sound drowned by the vast ocean of his solitude. He yearned for a lifeline, a connection that could bridge the chasm within yet the emotional landscape around him remained barren.
Seeking refuge in the remnants of shattered dreams, the despondent man traced the contours of what once was with hands weathered by the erosion of time. His gaze, fixed on the horizon, sought solace in the distant promise of a sun that had long lost its brilliance.
In this intricate portrait of a desolate man, he stood as a masterwork of character, painted with the delicate brushstrokes of life’s hardships. His story, a poignant narrative etched on the canvas of existence, unfolded like a somber sonnet, each line a testament to the resilience of the human spirit in the face of relentless adversity. Every sigh that escaped his lips carried the weight of a thousand unspoken words, a silent soliloquy echoing through the chambers of his desolate heart.
As he moved through the world, he resembled a solitary actor on life’s desolate stage, performing a silent play of longing and loss. His gestures, once animated, had now become a choreography of weariness, a dance of shadows cast by the dimming light of hope.
The man’s reflection in the mirror told a tale of a thousand yesterdays, etched in the lines on his face like chapters in a weathered book. Each wrinkle was a story, a narrative of resilience in the face of relentless storms. The mirrors of his soul, once vibrant and full of life, now reflected a world draped in the somber hues of regret.
In the solitude of his own company, he sought meaning in the remnants of shattered dreams, like an archaeologist sifting through the ruins of a forgotten civilization. Each fragment held the echoes of a time when his spirit soared, untethered by the chains of desolation. Yet, like fragile artifacts, the shards slipped through his fingers, leaving behind the dust of what once was.
The man’s gaze, once filled with the sparkle of possibilities, now resembled a faded star in the night sky, struggling to compete with the brilliance of brighter constellations. He yearned to reclaim the radiance that had been eclipsed by the shadows of despair.
As the world around him continued its relentless march, the despondent man stood as a silent witness to the passing of days. Time, like a merciless sculptor, chiseled away at the raw marble of his existence, shaping the contours of a statue worn by the elements. The echoes of lost opportunities resonated in the corridors of his mind, a haunting reminder of paths not taken.
In this desolate odyssey, the man was both protagonist and poet, crafting verses of lamentation with the ink of his own tears. His heart, once a cathedral of emotions, now stood as a crumbling edifice, weathered by the storms of life. Yet, within the ruins, a flicker of resilience remained, a small flame refusing to be extinguished by the winds of despair.
As the sun dipped below the horizon, casting long shadows across the landscape of his solitude, the man continued his journey through the labyrinth of despondency. Each step was a testament to the indomitable human spirit, a quiet rebellion against the tyranny of sorrow.
In the symphony of his existence, the man played the haunting melody of his emotions, a composition that echoed through the corridors of time. His despondency, like a bittersweet sonata, resonated with those who dared to listen, a poignant reminder that even in the darkest of hours, the human spirit could endure, painting strokes of resilience on the canvas of despair.
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative elegantly captures the essence of desolation and solitude with a coherent and consistent plot. The use of metaphors and similes, such as “each step was a testament to the indomitable human spirit,” effectively conveys the theme. To enhance the plot further, consider introducing subtle changes in the environment or interactions that might reflect the protagonist’s internal journey, adding depth to the narrative structure.
Body Reactions, Outfits and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
The description of the protagonist’s physicality, such as “his silhouette a mere whisper,” is poetically rendered. To enrich this aspect, you might detail the man’s attire or physical reactions to his environment, providing a more tangible connection to his state of mind and the world around him.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 9/10
Your use of sensory language is striking, particularly in phrases like “the fragrance of hope had surrendered to the scent of fading petals.” Expanding on these sensory details to include sounds, textures, or tastes could further immerse the reader in the protagonist’s world, making his experience even more palpable.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 7/10
You’ve successfully painted a vivid portrait of the central character’s emotional landscape. To add complexity, consider providing glimpses into his past or potential future, or introducing secondary characters who could contrast or complement his journey, thereby adding layers to his persona.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The grammar and syntax are largely impeccable, creating a smooth reading experience. However, some sentences are overly complex, which can occasionally impede the narrative flow. Simplifying these constructions could enhance clarity without sacrificing the narrative’s poetic quality.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
The vocabulary is rich and evocative, significantly contributing to the mood and tone. Words like “sepia-toned” and “kaleidoscope” are particularly effective. Occasionally, simpler words might serve better, ensuring accessibility alongside sophistication.
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative is a beautifully woven tapestry of words, capturing the essence of a desolate soul with profound sensitivity. The melancholic atmosphere is palpable, created through vivid imagery and emotive language. However, adding more dimensions to the character, introducing interactions or even fleeting encounters, could offer greater depth. Furthermore, simplifying complex sentences without losing the narrative’s poetic essence would enhance readability. Consider varying sentence structures to maintain rhythm and flow.
To improve your writing:
Introduce subtleties in the plot that mirror the protagonist’s emotional journey.
Include more concrete physical descriptions or actions to complement the emotional depth.
Expand sensory details to encompass a wider range of experiences.
Create more complexity in characterisation through backstory or interactions.
Simplify complex sentence structures for greater clarity and impact.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
In the vast expanse of desolation, a lone figure emerged, his silhouette barely discernible against the dimming sunset. His eyes, dulled mirrors, reflected a landscape marred by sorrow, capturing its fleeting beauty.
Each step he took echoed in the stillness, a soft drumbeat in his solitary symphony. The air around him seemed laden with unvoiced grief, each breath a battle against melancholy’s engulfing embrace.
His spirit, once a vibrant tapestry of dreams, now mirrored a fading bloom in despair’s garden. The bright colours of his ambitions had dulled, their once sweet fragrance overtaken by the scent of wilting hope. Days passed like sepia photographs, each a frozen moment in his desolate trek.
His voice, weathered by time, sang a melancholic tune, echoing the internal strife etched into his soul’s parchment. Each note was a musical narrative of dreams unmade by fate’s indifferent hands.
Isolation wrapped around him, a frayed cloak barring the warmth of human touch. Others’ laughter seemed distant, lost in his vast solitude. He longed for connection, to bridge the gap within, yet found himself in an emotional wasteland.
He sought solace in broken dreams, tracing the outlines of past joys with time-worn hands. His gaze, fixed on the horizon, searched for comfort in the dim promise of a once brilliant sun.
He stood as a poignant character study, painted with life’s harsh strokes. His story, etched on existence’s canvas, unfolded like a somber sonnet, each line a tribute to human resilience against adversity. His sighs carried unspoken tales, a silent soliloquy through his heart’s chambers.
Moving through the world, he was like a lone actor on life’s barren stage, his movements a tired dance in hope’s fading light.
His reflection bore the marks of countless yesterdays, each line a story of endurance against life’s storms. His soul’s mirrors, once lively, now reflected a world in somber tones.
Alone, he searched for meaning in dream fragments, like an archaeologist amidst ruins. Each piece echoed a time of unbridled spirit, now slipping away like fragile relics.
His gaze, once bright with possibility, now a dim star struggling against brighter constellations. He yearned to recapture his lost glow, overshadowed by despair.
As time marched on, he stood as a silent observer, its relentless chiseling shaping his existence. Lost chances echoed in his mind, haunting reminders of unchosen paths.
In this desolate odyssey, he was both the hero and the bard, his tears penning verses of lament. His heart, a once grand cathedral of feeling, now a weathered relic, yet within, a resilience flickered, defying despair’s gales.
As twilight cast long shadows over his lonely path, he persevered, each step a defiance of sorrow’s tyranny.
In his life’s symphony, he played his emotions’ haunting melody, a composition resonating through time. His sadness, a bittersweet sonata, spoke to those listening, reminding us that even in darkness, the human spirit endures, resilient strokes on despair’s canvas.
Andrew had always been secluded, left to slowly go mental like a discarded piece of rotting carcass on the outskirts of town. His luxurious mansion loomed over the town with its ornate, alabaster pillars and sun splashed walls of citrus. The inside of the mansion was just as posh, chandeliers adorned with priceless, glistening gems and doors made of polished redwood. It had always been this way, Andrew was a forlorn outsider despite willing to give his entire fortune to make a friend.
Andrew was once a spoilt child, flooded with compliments and prizes that shaped his demeanour into an arrogant snake. People started to avoid him like the plague as his temper grew uncontrollable and fierce. His rich parents had always told him that poor people didn’t have minds that worked properly like aristocrats like them, a claim that only made his attitude worse. His parents had sent his rickety and inexperienced train of life down the path of the rude and malicious.
After he had adopted his parent’s wicked attitude, he went around harassing his classmates, picking on them for even the slightest unique difference.
“I can’t believe you have a bowl cut!” Andrew once taunted his classmate, his smirk widening with the pure satisfaction he found in hurting others.
It had always been like this, the rich abuse their massive financial prowess to assault and torture the weak. like how governments raise taxes for their own wants and cheat the poor out of their hard earned money, or how families that have more political power choose to use it to suppress other competitors. But, a trailblazer always rises and a rebellion burns that power to ashes. It was the same case with Andrew. His classmates started to taunt him back, insulting him for his snobbish behaviour. He felt ashamed that he had been doing the same things to other children for longer periods with fiercer comments and faded away into an introvert who kept to himself.
One day another boy approached him, being oblivious to Andrew’s domineering past. He would come to Andrew like a nail attracted by a horseshoe magnet. For the first time in Andrew’s life, he had a friend that he could level with. but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep him forever.
“Sorry but I’m moving houses”
“Please stay, I’m willing to give you my entire fortune of over a million dollars for you to stay.”
From then on, no miracle happened again, nor did anyone approach him to become a friend again. He felt secluded from society as he went to take part in a mundane job in the outskirts of town. He became more forlorn and depressed, sucked into the endless vortex of loneliness forever.
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10:
Your narrative intriguingly captures the transformation of Andrew from an arrogant child to a secluded adult. The plot is well-structured, with clear progression from Andrew’s spoiled upbringing to his eventual loneliness. A poignant moment is when Andrew, in a desperate attempt to retain his only friend, offers his fortune, illustrating his profound isolation. To enhance the plot, consider adding subplots or conflicts that further challenge Andrew’s character, thereby enriching the narrative’s depth.
Body Reactions, Outfits and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10:
The description of Andrew’s mansion, with its “ornate, alabaster pillars and sun-splashed walls of citrus,” effectively sets a luxurious scene. However, the narrative could benefit from more detailed descriptions of Andrew’s physical reactions and attire, reflecting his emotional journey. For instance, describing his changing expressions and posture during key moments could add a layer of depth to his characterisation.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10:
Your use of sensory language, such as “sun-splashed walls” and “chandeliers adorned with priceless, glistening gems,” vividly brings the scenes to life. To further enhance the sensory experience, consider incorporating more auditory and tactile elements. For example, the sound of footsteps echoing in the empty mansion or the texture of the polished redwood doors could add richness to the setting.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10:
Andrew’s character is well-developed, showing a transformation from arrogance to solitude. His internal struggles and external conflicts are evident. However, the supporting characters, like his parents and classmates, feel somewhat one-dimensional. Fleshing out these characters with their own motivations and complexities would create a more engaging and believable world.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5:
The narrative is generally well-written with good syntax. There are occasional lapses in grammatical consistency, such as tense shifts. For example, “He became more forlorn and depressed” could be more consistently phrased as “He became forlorn and depressed”. Regular proofreading can help smooth out these issues.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Luxurious, Synonym: Opulent
Forlorn, Synonym: Desolate
Spoilt, Synonym: Pampered
Malicious, Synonym: Malevolent
Secluded, Synonym: Isolated
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative effectively portrays the tragic arc of Andrew’s life, from a pampered childhood to a life of isolation. The rich descriptions of settings and Andrew’s internal transformation are highlights of the story. To further enhance your narrative:
Develop secondary characters to add depth and complexity to the story.
Introduce additional subplots or conflicts that challenge Andrew and reveal more facets of his personality.
Include more detailed descriptions of physical reactions and attire to complement the emotional journey of the characters.
Expand the use of sensory language to include auditory and tactile elements, deepening the reader’s immersion in the story.
Ensure consistent grammar and syntax throughout the narrative for a smoother reading experience.
Your story’s strong foundation and vivid imagery make it a compelling read. With a few refinements, it can be further enriched, offering a more immersive and nuanced exploration of Andrew’s life.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten Narrative:
Andrew’s life had always been an enigma, shrouded in the solitude of his grandiose mansion, perched like an elegant yet unapproachable eagle over the township. The mansion, a spectacle of opulence with its ornately carved alabaster pillars and walls bathed in the golden hue of the sun, mirrored Andrew’s secluded existence. Within, the mansion boasted chandeliers dripping with shimmering gems and doors crafted from the finest redwood, polished to a sheen.
From a tender age, Andrew was swathed in adulation and luxury, his every whim indulged. This upbringing sculpted him into a figure of arrogance and entitlement, akin to a venomous serpent in the garden of innocence. His parents, with their aristocratic disdain for the less fortunate, instilled in him a belief of superiority. They unknowingly steered his life towards a path marred by rudeness and spite.
As Andrew embraced this toxic mantle, he became notorious amongst his peers for his scornful attitude, often ridiculing them for the slightest deviations from his standards of normalcy. His taunts, like barbed arrows, found their mark, leaving emotional scars. “I can’t believe you have a bowl cut!” he would sneer, relishing in the discomfort of others.
This narrative of the wealthy oppressing the weak is an age-old tale, reflecting societal imbalances. Like governments manipulating taxes for self-serving purposes, or powerful families suppressing rivals, Andrew’s story was a microcosm of these broader injustices. However, time brought retribution; his classmates began to retaliate, their words stinging him with the realisation of his own cruelty. This backlash drove Andrew into the shadows of introversion.
A glimmer of hope emerged when a boy, unaware of Andrew’s past, befriended him. This friendship, however, was fleeting. “Sorry but I’m moving houses,” the boy announced one day. Desperate, Andrew offered his entire fortune to make him stay, but to no avail.
Thereafter, Andrew’s life spiraled into a vortex of loneliness. He retreated to a mundane job on the town’s fringes, his once vibrant spirit dimmed to a mere ember. His existence, once so full of promise, now echoed with the hollow loneliness of his vast, empty mansion.
Characterisation Homework: Vihaan Kholkute: Year 6 Week 2 (Zoom Class):
As the man ambles on the roadside, the atmosphere above him permeates a tangible melancholy that shrouds his thoughts. The road that he walks on, once bathed in a golden cascade of sunlight, now radiates a cold, gritty aura. However, the man himself is burdened with a despondence that maliciously lingers over him. As he drifts across the sidewalk like an unseen spectre, hiding in the shadows of depression, the colours dull and sounds slip from focus.
The man’s eyes, pools of a mundane jet black, grey and emotionless, hide a sorrow that beats to a haunting sonnet, monotonously being repeated in his mind. His beard, a wisp of thundercloud, mimics the cascading of rain plummeting onto the drenched ground. The man’s rather skinny contours mirror a single grey cloud, pervading an aura of pessimism and coldness. The movements formed weave together a tapestry of tediousness and dullness. Absorbed in the depths of melancholy, the man’s emotions echo like a solitary poem. The world, once painted in vibrant hues, now appears in muted, cloaked tones, as if the very atmosphere is fused with a ghostly gloom. The man, etched into the state of contemplation and introspection, his heart encumbered with reminiscent echoes of nostalgia. Like a lone violin, harmonising to a symphony of sorrow, melancholy grabs the man into an endless pit. The man’s face, once lit with euphoric elation, is inlaid with a dejected frown, discharging an aura of spectral sorrow. Silence hovers over him. As the world hushes its exuberance, it reveres the silence of the meandering man.
The celestial curtains sorrowfully gaze down at the man, a stark contrast to the dull landscape below. The moon, a silvery dagger suspended in the pink evening sky, crescents into a curve radiating hope amidst the darkest of perpetual nights.The man’s stares at the endless horizon blankly. He studies the sun, resting placidly on the rugged mountainside, while the man himself is lost in nostalgic memories of elation and contentment. Reminded of his late dog, grief envelopes the man like a shroud of fog, as tears gently cascade from his dejected orbs of light. The tears whisper joyous memories, stroking the man’s cheeks like feathers fleeting through the air. Beckoning the heart to dance with memories long lost, nostalgia enshrouds the man, and the man saunters back home.
In conclusion, the man’s sorrow for his late dog is not merely an emotion; It is a crucial moment in human experience. The man’s solitude becomes a tacit line in an unfinished poem, each word expressing the poignant verses of contemplation. As he meanders on the path of emotion, his dejection paints a vivid portrait of human experience, where the silent corners of the sprawling canvas make room for the complexities of the heart.
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10: Your narrative effectively establishes a sombre mood and a clear thematic focus on the protagonist’s emotional journey. The use of the man’s solitary walk as a metaphor for his internal struggle is poignant, as seen in “The man’s sorrow for his late dog is not merely an emotion; It is a crucial moment in human experience.” To enhance the plot, consider introducing subtle shifts in the setting or interactions that could symbolise stages in the man’s emotional journey, adding depth to the narrative.
Body Reactions, Outfits and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10: You’ve adeptly used physical descriptions to mirror the man’s internal state, such as “His beard, a wisp of thundercloud.” This vivid imagery enhances the reader’s connection with the character. To expand further, you could delve into more detailed descriptions of the man’s attire or belongings, possibly linking them to memories or emotions, thereby enriching the narrative’s emotional landscape.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10: Your use of sensory language is a standout feature, creating an immersive experience. The phrase “The tears whisper joyous memories, stroking the man’s cheeks like feathers fleeting through the air” beautifully engages the reader’s senses. To further enhance this, consider incorporating more varied sensory descriptions, such as the scent of the environment or the tactile sensations experienced by the protagonist.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10: The depth given to the protagonist is commendable, particularly in illustrating his emotional state through physical descriptions. However, to add more dimensions to his character, you might consider including brief flashbacks or thoughts that reveal more about his past, his relationships, or his aspirations.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5: Your grammar and syntax are largely effective in conveying the narrative’s mood. In sentences like “The celestial curtains sorrowfully gaze down at the man,” the personification adds a poetic touch. To improve, watch for occasional awkward phrasing and ensure sentence structures enhance the narrative flow.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Enshrouds, Synonym: Engulfs
Dejection, Synonym: Despondency
Reveres, Synonym: Honours
Melancholy, Synonym: Sorrowfulness
Elation, Synonym: Jubilation
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative excels in creating a vivid, emotionally charged atmosphere, effectively using descriptive language and imagery to convey the protagonist’s internal turmoil. The melancholic tone is consistent and engaging, drawing the reader into the man’s world. However, there’s potential for further development in character depth, plot complexity, and varied sensory descriptions to enhance the narrative’s impact.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Introduce subtle plot developments or interactions that reflect changes in the protagonist’s emotional journey.
Incorporate more detailed descriptions of the protagonist’s attire or possessions, linking them to his memories or emotions.
Expand the range of sensory descriptions to include smells, sounds, and tactile sensations.
Explore the protagonist’s past or relationships through brief flashbacks or internal monologue, adding layers to his character.
Refine the grammar and sentence structures for smoother flow and clarity.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
As the man meanders alongside the road, a palpable gloom pervades the atmosphere, casting a shadow over his ruminations. The path, once drenched in radiant sunlight, now exudes an austere, abrasive ambience. Engulfed in a lingering despondency, he drifts like a ghost through the shadows of despair, his surroundings dimming and the ambient sounds fading.
His eyes, deep wells of stark, emotionless grey, harbour a sorrow resonating with a monotonous, haunting melody in his psyche. His beard, resembling a storm cloud, echoes the relentless fall of rain upon sodden earth. His slender frame, akin to a solitary grey cloud, emanates an air of gloom and chill. His movements, weaving a tapestry of monotony, reflect his profound melancholy. The world, formerly a canvas of vibrant colours, now appears in subdued, veiled tones, as if steeped in spectral gloom. Caught in a mire of introspection, he is haunted by nostalgic echoes. Like a solitary violin in a symphony of sorrow, melancholy ensnares him in its abyss. His face, once a beacon of joy, now bears a crestfallen frown, exuding an aura of spectral sorrow. Silence envelops him as the world dims its vibrancy in reverence to his quietude.
The heavens above watch him with a sorrowful gaze, starkly contrasting the bleak landscape below. The moon, a silvery crescent in the twilight sky, offers a glimmer of hope in the enveloping darkness. He gazes blankly at the horizon, contemplating the sun’s tranquil descent behind the rugged mountains, lost in memories of joy and contentment. Recollecting his late dog, grief wraps around him like a foggy shroud, his tears silently recounting joyful memories as they trace his cheeks.
As he ambles towards home, enveloped in nostalgia, his sorrow over his departed companion transcends mere emotion, becoming a poignant chapter in the human experience. His solitude is akin to an unspoken verse in an unfinished poem, each word echoing the heartfelt depths of reflection. In his emotional odyssey, his despair paints a vivid tableau of human complexity, where the quieter shades of the heart’s canvas reveal their intricate narratives.
Unexpected Inheritance:
Emily walked to the cottage as it was not far from home. When the house came into view it looked crooked and old. Its roof is chipped on every tile. The brown of the bricks stands out from a far but the closer she gets, the more spookier it gets. The snow on the front porch show footmarks of somebody that must have moved out recently. As she arrives in front of the abandoned cottage, shivers started running down her spine. She has never heard of this relative, yet she had to come to the cottage as it was passed down to her. The front porch was covered with countless of spider webs, with each thread having a miniature black striped spider and each eye would be staring at this new visitor. She feels skeptical of this house at first glance, yet she still approaches the house step by step, bobbing and weaving the webs. She raised her eyebrows making sure she had a full eye open. The door cracked open simultaneously with Emily’s first step on the wooden planked cottage trotting through the mysterious house, the first thing she saw were pictures of people. Emily, eyes open and mouth open she tiptoes towards the pictures, just stopping right in front of the picture just to jump back in surprise. She darts her eyes across the room to find that every picture frame has the same image! Sweat runs down Emily’s face. Every picture was showing Emily’s mystery relative and Emily as a kid. She wonders why this person would have a picture of her if she’s never met her before. Still shocked, Emily heads on forward until she finds herself in front of a vine covered door. She tries to get rid of the vines but she has no success so she rams the door with her own body. Too busy about her bruises, she heads forward. Without looking at the floor once she eventually trips over something. She turns around to find a gold encrusted chest that she has never seen before. Emily fixes her gaze only to the chest. Then with out hold backs she opens the chest Inside the chest, she finds the most beautiful thing she has ever found, a beautiful watch with rubies, sapphires and even diamonds! But beside the beautiful watch lay a photo, but in the corner, it says “Rose and Fiona”. Fiona’s my mum’s name she thought. Then whose Rose? It must be my mum’s sister because there is no other girl in the family tree except for me and this woman named Rose. Proud to find a new family member Emily runs home to tell her family but when she gets home, she finds out that Rose is dead. Sad but doesn’t show it, she whispers “I guess I can’t meet her but at least I know that she has a great taste in watches!”
FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative effectively crafts a mysterious and engaging plot, drawing the reader into Emily’s journey. The progression from the initial discovery of the cottage to the revelation of familial connections is well-executed. For example, the moment Emily finds the photo labelled “Rose and Fiona” creates a pivotal plot twist. To enhance the structure, consider adding more foreshadowing elements early in the story that hint at the eventual revelation. This could create a more layered and intriguing narrative.
Setting and Characterisation – Score: 8/10
The setting of the crooked, old cottage and the vivid description of its eerie appearance sets a strong atmospheric tone. The characterisation of Emily through her reactions and emotions, like when “shivers started running down her spine,” effectively conveys her feelings to the reader. To further develop this area, you might consider deepening Emily’s backstory or internal thoughts to provide more insight into her character. This would add depth and make her journey more relatable.
Vivid and Descriptive Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of descriptive language, such as “the brown of the bricks stands out from afar,” vividly paints the scene, immersing the reader in the setting. To elevate your descriptive language, focus on engaging all the senses and varying your sentence structure. For instance, describing the sounds within the cottage or the texture of objects Emily encounters would enrich the sensory experience.
Creativity and Originality – Score: 8/10
The story’s original elements, like the mysterious chest and the discovery of the familial connection, are creatively thought out. The inclusion of the watch embellished with rubies, sapphires, and diamonds adds an intriguing element of wonder. To boost creativity, consider introducing unique twists or more complex relationships between characters, which could add unexpected layers to your story.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your grammar and syntax are largely well-structured, ensuring clarity and readability. However, there are moments where the tense shifts unexpectedly, such as “Its roof is chipped on every tile.” Consistency in tense usage would enhance the flow of your narrative.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
The vocabulary used is appropriate and contributes to the overall tone of the story. There are opportunities to incorporate more varied and sophisticated language to further enrich the narrative.
‘Countless,’ Synonym: ‘Innumerable’
‘Spooky,’ Synonym: ‘Eerie’
‘Shivers,’ Synonym: ‘Quivers’
‘Cracked,’ Synonym: ‘Creaked’
‘Trips,’ Synonym: ‘Stumbles’
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay effectively weaves a tale of mystery and family secrets, engaging the reader with its descriptive language and intriguing plot. The setting is vividly portrayed, and Emily’s characterisation as she uncovers the mystery of the cottage and her familial connections is compelling. The creative elements, such as the discovery of the watch and the photographs, add depth to the narrative. To further refine your writing, focus on maintaining tense consistency, deepening character development, and incorporating more sensory descriptions. Experimenting with more varied vocabulary and sophisticated sentence structures could also enhance the narrative’s impact.
To improve your writing:
Ensure consistent use of tense throughout the narrative.
Develop characters by adding more backstory and internal thoughts.
Use more sophisticated and varied vocabulary.
Introduce sensory descriptions to create a more immersive experience.
Experiment with complex plot twists or character relationships for added depth.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten
Emily meandered towards the cottage, a mere stone’s throw from her abode. As the domicile loomed into view, its decrepit and askew structure was striking. The roof, with every tile chipped, contrasted starkly against the brown bricks that appeared more ominous as she drew near. A recent departure was evidenced by the footprints in the snow blanketing the porch.
Arriving at the derelict cottage, a shiver cascaded down her spine. Unfamiliar with this relative, yet bound by inheritance, she observed the porch ensnared in spider webs. Each web housed a diminutive spider, its black stripes stark against the silken threads, all eyes fixated on Emily.
Approaching with trepidation, she navigated the webs, her eyes wide and alert. The door creaked open synchronously with her tentative step onto the wooden planks. Inside, her gaze was immediately captured by numerous portraits, all bearing the same visage. Startled, Emily realised each frame contained images of an unknown relative alongside her younger self.
Sweat beaded on her brow as she pondered this enigma. Venturing further, she encountered a vine-entwined door. Despite her efforts, the vines remained, forcing her to shoulder through. In her distraction, she stumbled over an unseen object.
Turning, she discovered a gold-encrusted chest. Inside, nestled amongst the treasures, was a resplendent watch adorned with rubies, sapphires, and diamonds. Beside it lay a photograph marked “Rose and Fiona” – ‘Fiona’ being her mother’s name. Intrigued by this revelation of an aunt named Rose, Emily hastened home, only to learn of Rose’s demise.
Though disheartened, she softly murmured, “Though I shall never meet her, I now know of her exquisite taste
please mark sorry its a bit late
A Forgotten Life of Happiness
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative effectively sets a melancholic and introspective tone, creating a vivid backdrop for Adrian’s journey through grief and solitude. The use of the dimly lit room as a metaphor for his internal state is particularly evocative. However, the plot could benefit from a clearer progression or a subtle hint of change in Adrian’s emotional or physical state to enhance engagement. For example, introducing a moment that signifies a shift in his perspective or a new revelation about his past could add depth to the narrative.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
You skilfully employ Adrian’s physical demeanour to mirror his emotional state, such as his slumped shoulders and the way his fingers trace the photograph. To further enrich the narrative, consider describing more tangible elements like the texture of the photograph, the feel of the piano keys under his fingers, or the specific aspects of his attire that reflect his state of mind.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory language is a standout element, effectively painting a picture of Adrian’s world. Phrases like “bittersweet perfume” and “raindrops tapping softly against the window” are particularly impactful. To enhance this further, consider incorporating more auditory or tactile elements, such as the sound of his breath in the quiet room or the texture of the walls he might absentmindedly touch.
Multi-dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10
Adrian is portrayed with depth, reflecting various facets of his personality and history. However, to add further dimensions to his character, you might explore his past experiences or dreams in more detail. This could include memories that contrast his current state or glimpses into his hopes and fears, providing a more rounded understanding of his character.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative is generally well-structured with a good command of grammar. There are moments, however, where shorter sentences could be used to vary the rhythm and enhance the emotional impact. For example, breaking up some of the longer sentences could emphasise Adrian’s fragmented thoughts.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of words is apt for the sombre mood of the story. To enhance the richness of your vocabulary:
“Despondency”, Synonym: “Melancholy”
“Melancholy”, Synonym: “Sorrowfulness”
“Relic”, Synonym: “Artefact”
“Cathartic”, Synonym: “Purifying”
“Symphony”, Synonym: “Orchestra”
Conclusive Critique:
Your narrative beautifully captures the essence of loss and nostalgia, creating a vivid and emotive atmosphere. The language and imagery are deeply evocative, successfully immersing the reader in Adrian’s world. To elevate the narrative further, consider introducing elements that offer more insight into Adrian’s past and character. This could include more detailed descriptions of physical settings or objects that hold significance to him. Additionally, experimenting with sentence structure to vary the pacing could heighten the emotional impact. Your portrayal of Adrian’s emotional landscape is commendable, yet exploring his reactions and interactions with his surroundings in more depth could add further layers to the story.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Introduce subtle shifts in Adrian’s emotional or physical state to enhance narrative dynamics.
Include more detailed sensory descriptions, such as tactile and auditory elements.
Provide additional background details or memories to deepen the characterisation of Adrian.
Experiment with varied sentence lengths to create a more engaging rhythm.
Incorporate more vivid and diverse vocabulary to enrich the narrative’s texture.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
In the shadow-draped chamber, spectres of bygone dreams clung to the corners, ethereal and elusive. Adrian, a figure shrouded in sorrow, sat in solitude, his visage etched with the indelible marks of silent anguish and time’s unyielding march. His eyes, once abrim with life’s lustre, now held a glassy, distant gaze, mirroring a soul ravaged by despair’s tempests.
Solitude’s ghostly hand weighed heavily upon him, bending his shoulders under the invisible load of shattered aspirations. The room, a mausoleum of mirth, echoed with the resonance of a solitary heart, its laughter long since fled. A lamp’s flicker danced hesitantly, casting tremulous shadows that pulsed in time with Adrian’s sombre heartbeats.
His fingers lightly grazed a photograph’s edge, a memento from a sunnier era, when joy seemed as everlasting as the stars. Beside him in the frame stood a woman, her smile a radiant beacon. Now, her absence thundered in the silence. Whispering her name, it slipped from his lips, a lone prayer dissolving into the void of his isolation.
Adrian’s world lay in ruins, reminiscent of forgotten civilisations. He traversed this desolate landscape of memory, heavy with nostalgia’s sweet fragrance. The air, thick with the scent of yesteryears, bore witness to his phantom-like passage through rooms haunted by life’s ephemeral touch.
He watched as raindrops performed a melancholic ballet against the pane, a symphony of sorrow mirroring his desolation. Outside, a tapestry of greys painted the world, the vibrant hues of his past now mere whispers. Each droplet was a tear shed by a sky sharing in Adrian’s grief.
In a secluded corner, an ancient piano stood, its keys untouched, a repository of forgotten melodies and dust-laden memories. Adrian’s fingers, once deft and alive with musical passion, now trembled, bereft of the joy that once fuelled their dance. Silent were the notes that used to soar in vibrant harmony.
Hesitantly, he coaxed a haunting melody from the piano, a song of lost love, a dirge for dreams unfulfilled. The room absorbed his lament, its walls resonating with the sombre notes, echoes of his solitude and seclusion. Each press of a key was a release, a forlorn attempt to reconcile with the dolorous symphony that now defined him.
His mind, a blank canvas, each memory swept away by a solitary tear tracing his cheek. He longed for her return, an impossibility that carved deeper furrows of sorrow on his face.
There, in that dimly lit sanctuary of grief, amidst the relics of a fragmented existence, Adrian remained, a portrait of sorrow and loss, painted with the hues of absence and heartache.
The lost manuscript:
Jack arrived at the front of his grandpa’s old room. Jack knew there was something there as his parents wouldn’t let him enter the room but today he was home alone. Both parents went to work and Jack was free to do whatever he wanted. He opened the room to find an old creaky cupboard that would make a sound with every step you would take. Jack had no hesitation to open the cupboard and to find what was inside. When Jack barged open the cupboard door he found a little piece of parchment. Maybe a manuscript. He held the manuscript to his mouth and blew all the dust away. The manuscript was covered with symbols and letters. As Jack wiped the left of the dust the manuscript made more sense. The symbols show pictures of something but Jack knew many symbols from different times so he needed to find a date. He checked and double checked the script looking for a date. He needed to find out when this manuscript was recorded. He darted his eyes across the manuscript until he could find some writing he could understand. It said “1/7/1934. That was a long time ago” thought Jack. Jack kept on thinking about the date. His mind was swirling with ideas. He knew that the date had to do something with the symbols. He scourged around the cupboard to find a pickaxe. What would that have to do with a manuscript? The pickaxe must be for digging up something but why would he need a pickaxe to find a manuscript? Then Jack just got an idea. “If my grandfather was a person who explored historical things, then my grandfather must have used a pickaxe to mine it up!” Then Jack remembered the language of the symbols. It was an ancient Egyptian symbol And was easy to translate. The symbols looked like emojis with a message. The symbols show a meaning translating to “treasure in a pyramid.” The pyramid must be in Egypt so there is treasure in Egypt. His parents always told him that his grandpa spent his last breath in Egypt but every time they would say that, Jack would raise his eyebrows to his parents’ voice because he knew they were lying. Jack now figured out how his grandpa died in Egypt too. He tried getting treasure, failed and couldn’t come back because he was stuck in there. At least if his grandpa was still alive, Jack could tell him that he had just solved the code.
LOST MANUSCRIPT FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative exhibits a clear and intriguing plot, particularly in the exploration of the mysterious room and the discovery of the manuscript. The sentence “Jack knew there was something there as his parents wouldn’t let him enter the room” effectively sets up a sense of mystery. To enhance the structure, consider varying the pace and tension throughout the story. A gradual build-up to the discovery and more detailed reactions from Jack could enrich the narrative arc.
Setting and Characterisation – Score: 8/10
The setting in your essay, centred around the old room and the cupboard, creates an engaging backdrop for the story. The characterisation of Jack as curious and determined is well established, especially in the line “He opened the room to find an old creaky cupboard”. Expanding on Jack’s emotions and motivations, and providing more sensory details of the room could further immerse the reader and deepen the characterisation.
Vivid and Descriptive Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of descriptive language, as in “an old creaky cupboard that would make a sound with every step you would take”, successfully paints a vivid picture. To further enhance the imagery, consider incorporating more varied and evocative adjectives and adverbs, and use metaphors or similes to add depth to the descriptions.
Creativity and Originality – Score: 8/10
The concept of a hidden manuscript revealing a family secret is creative and engages the reader’s interest. The idea of connecting the manuscript to a historical treasure is particularly intriguing. To elevate the originality, you might explore unique twists in the plot or delve deeper into the historical and cultural aspects of the manuscript.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your essay demonstrates good control of grammar and syntax. The sentence “The symbols show pictures of something but Jack knew many symbols from different times so he needed to find a date” is a good example. However, attention to sentence variety and complexity could further enhance the readability and flow of the narrative.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
The vocabulary used is appropriate and aids in story-telling. For improvement:
Manuscript, Synonym: Document
Symbols, Synonym: Icons
Scourged, Synonym: Searched
Treasure, Synonym: Hoard
Pyramid, Synonym: Monument
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay demonstrates a strong foundation in storytelling with an engaging plot and setting. The characterisation of Jack and the vivid descriptions of the environment are notable strengths. However, there’s an opportunity to enhance the depth of the narrative by providing more detailed character development, incorporating richer descriptions, and further exploring the historical elements. A greater variety in sentence structures and more complex vocabulary would also enrich the quality of your writing.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Introduce more complex sentence structures to improve flow and readability.
Use a wider range of descriptive language to create more vivid and immersive imagery.
Deepen character development, especially for Jack, by exploring his thoughts and emotions in greater detail.
Expand on the historical and cultural context of the manuscript to add depth to the story.
Experiment with different pacing techniques to build tension and keep readers engaged.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten Essay:
Jack stood before his grandfather’s ancient chamber, a realm off-limits, shrouded in mystery. His parents’ prohibition only fuelled his curiosity, and today, with the house echoing in solitude, opportunity beckoned. Gently, he nudged open the door, revealing a decrepit cupboard, each step towards it resonating with eerie creaks.
Without a moment’s hesitation, Jack flung open the cupboard doors, revealing a parchment, perhaps a forgotten manuscript. Holding it close, he exhaled deeply, dispersing layers of dust, unveiling cryptic symbols and archaic letters. As Jack meticulously wiped away the remnants of time, the manuscript began to reveal its secrets. The symbols, akin to a tapestry of ancient tales, required a timestamp for context. His eyes darted over the script, finally resting on a revelation, “1/7/1934.”
The date sent his thoughts spiralling, connecting the dots between the symbols and a significant event. A rusty pickaxe in the cupboard’s corner caught his eye, its purpose unclear. Then, an epiphany struck – if his grandfather was an explorer of antiquities, this tool was likely an instrument of his trade.
Jack’s understanding of the symbols, reminiscent of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, further unravelled the mystery. They depicted a promise of treasure buried within an Egyptian pyramid. Recalling his parents’ tales of his grandfather’s final days in Egypt, Jack felt a surge of understanding and sorrow. His grandfather’s quest for this treasure, now clear, had been his undoing.
In that moment, Jack wished for a chance to share his discovery with his grandfather, to tell him the code was broken. But he knew this revelation was a solitary victory, a secret bridging generations, hidden within the walls of an old, creaky cupboard.
My HW
GH wk 2 writing Homework
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative effectively portrays the emotional journey of James Brown, particularly in the wake of his mother’s death. The plot is coherent and progresses logically, capturing the reader’s attention. The line, “On the day of the funeral, in tribute to his deceased mother, he donned a plain stygian t-shirt and a pair of ink black denim shorts,” effectively sets the sombre tone of the story. To enhance the plot, consider adding more complexity to the storyline, perhaps by introducing flashbacks or internal monologues that delve deeper into James’s past experiences with his mother. This would add layers to the narrative and provide a richer context for his emotions.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
The description of James’s attire and the items he cherishes from his mother is poignant and helps in visualising his character. “A black satchel hung from his belt, containing all of the precious items that he and his mother had collected on the first day of camp,” is a touching detail. Further depth could be added by describing how these items or his clothing hold specific memories or emotions for James, thereby enhancing the emotional connection between the character and the reader.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory details, such as the smell of the lilly pilly blossoms and the visual of the campfire scene, is commendable. “His eyes watered the stones, and luminous, lacey ferns sprouted wherever the drops hit the ground,” is a particularly evocative sentence. To further elevate your narrative, consider integrating more metaphors and similes that convey the protagonist’s inner turmoil in a more nuanced manner.
Multi-dimensional Characters – Score: 9/10
James Brown is portrayed with depth, showcasing his vulnerability and resilience. His reactions and emotions are believable and relatable. However, the narrative could benefit from further exploration of secondary characters, perhaps by providing insights into their thoughts or reactions to James’s situation, thereby enriching the overall character dynamics.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative is generally well-constructed with good sentence variety and structure. “He grudgingly completed the day’s activities without complaint,” is an example of effective syntax. Minor improvements in sentence complexity and variation could enhance the readability and flow of the narrative.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
The vocabulary used is appropriate and aids in conveying the story’s tone. Here are some vocabulary enhancements:
Stygian, Synonym: Abyssal
Peridot, Synonym: Chartreuse
Satchel, Synonym: Pouch
Fortress, Synonym: Bastion
Luminous, Synonym: Radiant
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative demonstrates a strong grasp of emotional storytelling, effectively portraying the protagonist’s journey through grief. The descriptions of outfits and accessories add depth to the character, while the use of vivid and sensory language creates an immersive experience. To further refine your writing:
Introduce more complex plot elements, such as flashbacks, to provide greater context and depth.
Deepen the emotional resonance by linking the protagonist’s belongings more closely to his memories.
Employ metaphors and similes to subtly convey the protagonist’s internal state.
Develop secondary characters to enhance the narrative’s richness and complexity.
Experiment with more varied sentence structures for improved readability and flow.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
James Brown, overwhelmed by sorrow, had just learned of his mother’s demise at his holiday camp. With two weeks remaining, attending her funeral was an impossibility. Initially dismissing his father’s call from Queensland as a cruel jest, the reality that Lucy Brown had passed, leaving him a million dollars and her wishes for a flourishing future, slowly sank in.
On the funeral day, he adorned himself in a sombre, abyssal t-shirt and ink-black denim shorts, a poignant homage to his late mother. Clasping a pouch at his belt, he carried cherished mementoes from their first day at camp – a conch shell, a chartreuse pebble, an exquisite bottlebrush cone, and clove-scented lilly pilly blossoms reminiscent of summer zephyrs. Tragically, the next day saw her succumb to a fatal heart attack in Brisbane.
James navigated the day’s activities with a resigned stoicism, but the evening’s challenge at dinner – sharing what he most admired about his parents – seemed grotesquely ill-timed. He hastily excused himself, retreating to the sanctuary of the bathroom. In the mirror, he confronted an undercurrent of despair, laced with self-doubt and anxiety, irrepressible in its intensity. When the echoes of his campmates’ laughter reached him, he knew it was time for the nightly campfire.
With bloodshot eyes and rapid glances, he joined the circle, fiercely guarding his private grief. As the sun set, casting a warm, friendly glow, his marshmallow, forgotten in the flames, blackened – a metaphor for his enduring anguish, encased in a resilient, empty bastion. The dying fire signalled the end of the night, but each movement was a harsh reminder of his irreplaceable loss, each step laden with a yearning to vanish into the night. Rain began to fall, its droplets merging with his silent tears.
As he trudged back to his tent, a surge of grief overwhelmed him, and he collapsed, his tears nurturing the earth. Astonished friends, witnessing the miraculous growth of radiant ferns where his tears fell, rushed to his side. Sharing the news of his mother’s passing and the day’s significance, he found solace in their empathy. Lightened by their understanding and support, he managed a smile, the weight of the world seemingly lifted from his shoulders.
Harry Wu’s W2 Writing
W2-Writing-Harry Wu
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative establishes a clear and consistent plot, revolving around the protagonist’s sense of isolation and eventual connection with a colleague. The transition from solitude to companionship is well structured, particularly in the sentence “One day, when he walked out to his usual spot he sat down and started working on his butter chicken someone sat next to him for the first time at work.” However, to enhance the plot, consider adding more nuanced transitions and exploring the protagonist’s internal conflicts in greater depth. This would add layers to the narrative, making the plot more engaging and dynamic.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
Descriptions of physical reactions and attire are minimal in your narrative. Including detailed descriptions of characters’ reactions and appearances can enrich the storytelling. For instance, “he sat in one corner and ate his food” could be expanded to describe his posture, expressions, or the specific way he interacts with his environment. Integrating details about outfits and accessories, particularly in contrast to those around him, can further highlight his sense of isolation or differences.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
You have effectively used sensory language in parts of the narrative, like in “smelling the mixed aroma of the clash of all the different cuisines.” To enhance the vividness of your narrative, incorporate more sensory details throughout. For example, describing the sounds in the hospital cafeteria, the textures of the food, or the visual details of the surroundings can create a more immersive experience for the reader.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10
The protagonist is well developed with a clear background and personality traits, as seen in “His routine was all that mattered he doesn’t help others unless for work.” However, other characters in the story, like the protagonist’s family and colleagues, are somewhat one-dimensional. Adding depth to these characters, perhaps by exploring their motivations or backgrounds, would make the narrative more compelling and provide a richer context for the protagonist’s journey.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative maintains a generally correct grammatical structure. However, there are instances where sentence construction could be improved for clarity and flow, as in “His sister followed her parents’ step and was also addicted to television.” Consider varying sentence lengths and structures to enhance readability and rhythm.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
The vocabulary used is appropriate and conveys the story effectively. To further enrich the narrative, consider using more varied and sophisticated language. For example:
“Lonely” could be replaced with “isolated.”
“Dirty” with “unscrupulous.”
“Routine” with “regimen.”
“Social” with “gregarious.”
“Friends” with “companions.”
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative compellingly portrays the theme of loneliness and connection. The protagonist’s journey from isolation to finding companionship is clear and emotive. However, the narrative would benefit from a more detailed exploration of characters and settings. Incorporating multi-dimensional traits for secondary characters and more vivid sensory details would significantly enhance the reader’s engagement. Diversifying sentence structures and refining vocabulary will also add depth to the storytelling.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Develop secondary characters with as much detail as the protagonist to create a richer narrative tapestry.
Employ more sensory details to immerse the reader in the protagonist’s world fully.
Utilize a broader range of vocabulary for more nuanced expression.
Experiment with varied sentence structures to improve the narrative flow and readability.
Expand on the protagonist’s internal thoughts and feelings to provide a deeper understanding of their emotional journey.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
As he stepped onto the hospital’s balcony for lunch, he observed the camaraderie among the nurses and doctors, united in their mealtime banter. This daily ritual underscored his solitude; he retreated to a corner, consuming his meal in isolation amidst the cacophony of laughter and the melange of culinary scents. Accustomed to this, he was aware of the whispers branding him the solitary figure, yet none ventured to bridge the gap. His interactions were confined to professional necessities, accentuated by his solitary commute, headphones drowning out the world’s symphony.
His upbringing was marked by detachment, his family enthralled by television and mired in dubious business practices, refurbishing car parts under the guise of novelty. His literary inclinations, burgeoning from a tender age with books borrowed on historical wonders, only alienated him further, culminating in his father’s destructive disdain. School life mirrored this isolation, a silent existence in the shadows.
Returning to his grey-walled apartment, the routine was unvarying: a solitary shower followed by an evening enveloped in television’s glow, disinterested in external socialisation. His conversations, when necessary, were gruff and subdued; his existence revolved around his meticulously maintained regimen, devoid of altruistic interactions.
An unexpected shift occurred one day. As he settled in his habitual lunch spot, a colleague approached, initiating conversation with a hint of concern. Her simple inquiry about his social circle, met with his typical brusqueness, led to an unexpected proposition of friendship. Gradually, this bond transformed his lunches, infusing them with conversation and laughter, a stark contrast to his erstwhile solitude.
Dale Kim’s Week 2 Year 6 Writing Homework
Week 2 Year 6 Writing Homework
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative’s plot and structure are cohesive and engaging, effectively depicting Hannah’s emotional journey. The progression from her initial anxiety to a resolution of self-acceptance is well executed. For instance, the phrase “Each moment was a battle torn between action and inaction” aptly captures her internal conflict. To enhance the structure, consider varying the pacing and focusing on key moments to amplify the emotional impact. This could involve delving deeper into specific events that trigger her changes in mindset, providing a more dynamic flow.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
You’ve adeptly described Hannah’s physical reactions and attire, creating a vivid image of her state. The description, “Her hands carelessly fidgeted with the loose fringes of her grey sweater,” is particularly effective in conveying her nervousness. To extend these descriptions, you might consider how her physical state changes as her emotional journey progresses, reflecting her internal transformation through alterations in posture or interaction with her environment.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 7/10
Your use of sensory language is striking, particularly in creating the scene’s ambiance, such as with “The rain pounded relentlessly on the roof of the stop.” To enhance this aspect, consider incorporating more varied sensory details, like tactile or olfactory elements, to fully immerse the reader in Hannah’s experience. This could involve describing the cold, damp air of the night or the scent of rain on concrete.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10
Hannah is portrayed as a multi-dimensional character, grappling with complex emotions. Her internal conflict is vividly illustrated, for example, through “a rancorous tempest of anger, grief, and uncertainty.” To further develop her character, you might explore her background or external influences that shape her perspectives, providing a fuller understanding of her motivations and challenges.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your grammar and syntax are generally strong, supporting the narrative’s clarity. However, there are instances where simpler sentence structures could enhance readability. For example, in “Her mind cleared like a stormy sky parting to reveal a radiant sun,” a more straightforward construction could be more impactful.
Vocabulary – Score: 5/5
Tempestuous, Synonym: Turbulent
Petrifing, Synonym: Terrifying
Maelstrom, Synonym: Whirlpool
Rancorous, Synonym: Bitter
Tranquillity, Synonym: Serenity
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative adeptly conveys a profound emotional journey, marked by vivid descriptions and a strong character arc. The use of sensory language creates an immersive atmosphere, though further diversification in sensory details would enrich the reader’s experience. Hannah’s character is well-developed, though additional background information could provide greater depth. While the vocabulary is varied and effective, exploring synonyms could introduce a broader range of expression. The grammar and syntax support the story’s flow, yet simpler sentence structures in places might enhance the narrative’s clarity and impact.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Introduce varied pacing to highlight key emotional shifts in the narrative.
Incorporate diverse sensory details, including tactile and olfactory elements.
Provide more background details about Hannah to deepen character understanding.
Experiment with simpler sentence structures for greater impact in key scenes.
Explore a broader range of vocabulary to enrich language use.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
As Hannah reached the bus stop, she settled on the metallic bench, her posture reflecting a mix of reserve and unease. Her gaze flitted anxiously around, while her fingers absentmindedly toyed with her sweater’s frayed edges. Shoulders drooped under an invisible burden, her legs quivered, betraying her inner turmoil. A relentless barrage of doubts thundered in her mind, mirroring the insistent drumming of rain on the shelter.
Within her, a whirlpool of emotions raged – anger, sorrow, indecision – like a vessel trapped in a stormy sea. At a moral crossroads, her internal compass spun in chaos. Each thought was heavy with dire, hopeless outcomes, echoing her inner strife.
Hannah’s hesitation clung to her, freezing her in place. Self-doubt whispered insidious uncertainties, fostering a thicket of second-guessing. The looming weight of her choices felt catastrophic, each laden with potential heartache.
Yet, in this reflective moment, she glimpsed a flicker of hope – a beacon in the daunting expanse of her future. Clarity broke through her mental maelstrom, shedding light on her path. With each insight, her burdens lightened, heralding personal growth and renewal.
Gradually, Hannah embraced her identity, recognizing her capability to shape her destiny. Her decisions became decisive, rooted in a profound self-awareness. As internal conflict ebbed, she found serenity in self-acceptance. Once conflicting desires now wove a harmonious tapestry of self.
Spotting her bus, Hannah’s smile blossomed. Her worries were unfounded. Greeting the driver, she took her seat, her spirit buoyant. Having faced her inner demons, she emerged stronger, unbound from the chains of doubt, ready to turn a new page in her life.
Solitude
In a once jocund and merry cottage where vibrant lights danced on a canvas of colour lived a despondent woman. Her dull silhouette cast a shade over the marred surface of a mahogany table which was once filled to the brim with a feast of delectables. The stony expression on her face spoke of years of solitude, the cruel tides of fate chipping away at her soul. A melancholic soul amidst a kaleidoscope of euphoria, she was secluded on her island, a lost soul drifting away from her community. Elizabeth, a woman with once a lively glimmer in her eyes dulled to a stony grey, lived her life trapped in her past, unmoving as time wore on.
She had once a smile that extended beyond her rosy cheeks which shone with hope and optimism. Her once-golden hair flowed in sheets were now disorganised curls of brown. Deep lines etched into her sombre face spoke of grief, dark memories haunting her forlorn soul. Every breath carried the burden of a thousand regrets, her tumultuous past afflicting her with sorrow and grief. Life was a monotonous narrative woven with thick strands of desolation and melancholy. The world had lost its colour, a playful hue that once illuminated the room with laughter and joy. What was left was a dull shade of grey, staining every corner of the cottage with heartbreak and sorrow.
Elizabeth’s joyous days came to an end on one winter’s evening. It was the end of WWII, and Elizabeth was waiting enthusiastically for her husband, Paul, to arrive from one of the carriages. Packed with tins of biscuits and treats, she waited patiently with a contagious smile on her lively face. As each carriage passed with soldiers rejoicing with their families, hope began to fade for Elizabeth. Her effervescent face was now creased in a worried expression until the news came. On the very last carriage was the army general, announcing the unfortunate death of Paul. Tears flooded her face as reality struck her; she was a widow. She was now a lost soul, left to wander the capricious waves of her future. From that day on, a gloomy veil had been cast on her house, a wound that would never heal.
As Elizabeth navigated aimlessly through her disconsolate existence, fate and time whipped up misery and depression. At first, she wore a brittle expression that seemed as if she could burst into tears, but reality had struck her hard so many times that she forced a grim and stony face into a once vivacious personality. With every step she took and every heavy breath she inhaled, she carried the unspoken strain of a thousand words left unheard by others. Secluded in her own, desolate house, Elizabeth quietly suffered as the world around her burst with joy and pride. Unknown to the world, she was fighting a silent battle in the recesses of her forlorn heart.
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10:
Your narrative successfully establishes a poignant contrast between Elizabeth’s past happiness and her current desolation, a structure that effectively engages the reader. The progression from joy to sorrow, particularly through the pivotal moment of WWII and its impact on Elizabeth’s life, is compelling. However, the plot could benefit from further development of events or subplots to add complexity. For instance, exploring Elizabeth’s interactions with her community post-war could deepen the plot. “Elizabeth’s joyous days came to an end on one winter’s evening” marks a significant turning point, but expanding on the aftermath would enhance the narrative depth.
Body Reactions, Outfits and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10:
Descriptions such as “Her once-golden hair flowed in sheets were now disorganised curls of brown” vividly depict Elizabeth’s physical transformation, reflecting her inner turmoil. To further enhance this aspect, consider including more details about her attire and how it mirrors her emotional state, like a once-favored dress now worn and faded, symbolising her lost vibrancy.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10:
Your use of sensory language, like “vibrant lights danced on a canvas of colour,” effectively creates a vivid setting and mood. To elevate this further, consider incorporating more varied sensory details, such as the specific smells of the cottage or the textures of objects that Elizabeth interacts with. This would create a more immersive experience for the reader.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 7/10:
Elizabeth is portrayed with depth, showcasing her transition from a lively to a desolate individual. However, her character could be further enriched by exploring her internal thoughts and motivations in greater detail. Perhaps include flashbacks or inner monologues that reveal her reflections on her past joys and current sorrows.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5:
The narrative is generally well-written with a good command of grammar and syntax. However, there are instances where sentence structure could be varied to enhance readability. For example, shorter sentences amidst longer ones could add rhythm and emphasis, particularly in emotional moments.
Vocabulary – Score: 5/5
Despondent, Synonym: Melancholic
Marred, Synonym: Blemished
Kaleidoscope, Synonym: Mosaic
Tumultuous, Synonym: Turbulent
Capricious, Synonym: Unpredictable
Overall, your narrative is emotionally resonant and vividly descriptive, effectively conveying Elizabeth’s tragic transformation. To further improve:
Integrate more complex subplots to add depth to the storyline.
Include more detailed descriptions of physical appearances and settings to enhance visual imagery.
Use a variety of sensory details to create a more immersive reading experience.
Develop Elizabeth’s character with more internal reflections and backstory.
Employ a mixture of sentence lengths for added rhythm and emphasis.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
In a cottage that once echoed with laughter, where jubilant lights performed a ballet on walls adorned in vibrant hues, now resided Elizabeth, cloaked in sorrow. Her shadow, once lively and animated, now languidly stretched across the scarred mahogany table, devoid of its usual feast. Her face, etched with the relentless passage of solitary years, had lost its former radiance. Amidst this carnival of joy, she remained an isolated entity, her soul adrift in a sea of reminiscence.
Her smile, which once effortlessly graced her rosy cheeks, had vanished, leaving behind a visage marked by grief. Her golden locks, which once cascaded like sunlit waterfalls, had dulled into untamed curls of auburn. Each breath she drew seemed laden with the weight of unspoken remorse, her life a monochrome tapestry woven from threads of despair.
The tapestry of Elizabeth’s life darkened one winter evening with the close of WWII. She had awaited her husband, Paul, with a basket brimming with sweets and anticipation. But as each carriage departed, leaving reunited families in its wake, her hope dwindled. The final carriage bore not her beloved but the grim news of his passing. That moment, a relentless shadow descended upon her home, a grief that refused to ebb.
As time marched on, Elizabeth’s existence became a silent war against an unyielding tide of misery. Her visage, once a beacon of vivacity, had hardened into a mask of resignation. Each step she took was heavy with the burden of unvoiced sorrows. Her secluded existence within her once joyful home became a silent testament to her inner turmoil, unnoticed in a world that moved on without her.
A Forgotten Boat:
Sarah stands Infront of the beached boat, looking at it from afar. The boat was crooked and had lots of rotting wood. Yesterday she pulled the boat out of the water with some help when she found it. Sarah started to walk towards the ancient boat, still starring amidst the view. Sarah arrives at the front of the boat getting ready to push the door open but the she hesitates. What if it was a trap from pirate and once you enter you can’t get out. Sweat drips down from Sarah’s face to her hand. She tries not to remember those thoughts and makes sure it doesn’t disturb her. Sarah opens the door to find what she expected. Maps, compasses and evn binoculars. But to make sure there are no booby traps round, she checks her surroundings before taking her first step into the mysterious ship. A Sarah walks down the corridors of the spooky ship, she feels like that she is in a horror movie set. Sarah looks around the boat to find one readable poster which said “SSS. Micro”. It must be a type of boat. Sarah looks around for a bi more until she realises that she could bring the SSS Micro back to life. Sarah talks to her friend about the process and they agree that they are going to bring the run down ship back to tis formal self. When Sarah starts doing the research about the SSS Micro, she finds out that it was the most famous ship of its time. But after some research it was time to restore. Sarah gathered a team of builders and also a lot of materials so she and her crew could bring the ship back to mint condition. After a while, they had restored one of the most famous boats in their history! So anytime you see a mint condition wooden boat from year ago. Remember that Sarah and her crew may be riding that with lots of stories to tell.
FORGOTTEN BOAT FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
The structure of your essay effectively takes the reader on a journey with Sarah, from discovery to restoration. The way you introduce the mysterious boat and gradually reveal its significance keeps the reader engaged. However, the transition from discovery to restoration feels slightly abrupt. Consider adding more detail about the restoration process to enhance the narrative flow. For instance, “Sarah starts doing the research about the SSS Micro,” could be expanded to include challenges she faced during the research.
Setting and Characterisation – Score: 7/10
You’ve painted a vivid picture of the setting, particularly the description of the boat, which sets the mood. Sarah’s character is curious and determined, which is clear from her actions. To further develop characterisation, you might delve more into her emotions and thoughts, particularly her motivations for restoring the boat. For example, you could expand on her initial reaction: “Sarah opens the door to find what she expected.”
Vivid and Descriptive Language – Score: 7/10
Your descriptive language, such as “the boat was crooked and had lots of rotting wood,” effectively creates imagery. To enhance this, consider using more sensory details. For example, describe the textures, smells, and sounds Sarah experiences as she explores the boat. This will make the setting more immersive.
Creativity and Originality – Score: 8/10
Your concept is original and engaging, blending adventure with historical discovery. The idea of restoring an ancient boat is intriguing. To enhance originality, you could introduce unique elements related to the boat’s history or Sarah’s personal connection to it, making the story more distinctive.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The grammar and syntax are generally good, with a clear structure. However, there are minor issues with sentence construction and punctuation. For example, “A Sarah walks down the corridors of the spooky ship,” could be revised for clarity.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
The vocabulary is appropriate and aids in story-telling. For improvement, consider varying sentence structure and using synonyms for more common words.
“Spooky”, Synonym: “Eerie”
“Famous”, Synonym: “Renowned”
“Restored”, Synonym: “Refurbished”
“Mint”, Synonym: “Immaculate”
“Team”, Synonym: “Crew”
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay successfully tells a captivating story of discovery and restoration, engaging the reader with its plot and setting. The characterisation of Sarah is clear, but further depth could be added to her emotional journey and motivations. While the descriptive language creates vivid imagery, incorporating more sensory details would enhance the reader’s immersion. The creative premise of restoring an ancient boat is compelling, and adding unique elements to the boat’s history could increase this aspect. Attention to grammar, syntax, and a more varied vocabulary would further refine the narrative.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Expand on the emotional and psychological journey of Sarah, providing depth to her character.
Include more sensory details (smell, touch, sound) to create a more immersive setting.
Introduce unique historical or personal elements related to the boat to enhance originality.
Pay attention to sentence structure and punctuation for improved readability.
Use a wider range of vocabulary and synonyms to add sophistication to the narrative.
Overall Score: 38/50
Rewritten Essay:
Sarah stood before the ancient, beached boat, its crooked frame and rotting wood stark against the horizon. Only yesterday, with assistance, she had hauled it ashore, drawn by its mysterious allure. Approaching cautiously, she paused at the threshold, besieged by thoughts of pirate traps and inescapable confines. Sweat trickled down her brow, a tangible reminder of her trepidation. Yet, she pushed the door open, revealing an interior strewn with maps, compasses, and binoculars. Ensuring no hidden dangers lurked, she stepped into the eerie corridors, feeling as though she wandered through a set of a horror film.
Her eyes caught a legible poster, “SSS. Micro,” perhaps a clue to the vessel’s identity. Exploration yielded a revelation – this ship, the SSS Micro, once renowned in its heyday, could be reborn. Conversations with a confidant cemented her resolve; they would restore this relic to its former glory. Her research into the SSS Micro uncovered tales of its legendary past, fuelling her ambition.
Meticulous planning followed. Sarah assembled a dedicated crew, procuring materials necessary for the ship’s transformation. Their efforts were relentless, each day bringing the ship closer to its erstwhile splendour. At last, the SSS Micro stood refurbished, a testament to Sarah’s vision and perseverance.
Now, whenever an immaculate wooden vessel, reminiscent of bygone eras, sails the waters, it might well be Sarah and her crew, their journey aboard the SSS Micro woven into the tapestry of their remarkable tales.
The Melancholic and Forlorn Man Week 2 Year 6 Writing Homework
The environment was cold and disheartened, a perfect environment for a despondent man. The man’s name was Jack, and he was neither bright nor a shining helping hand. His urge for the destruction of other people’s days was inevitable like a lion’s hunger for prey. Jack always had a quartz grey cloud floating on top of his head, pouring bulbs of rain that are as heavy as a black smith’s anvil. It was relentless and so was Jack’s sorrow and depressing grief. He was stuck with the immense angonising pain and grief due to his loss of his mother. His father, a rancorous man, ruined Jack’s life leading Jack to his inevitable fate of being despondent and forlorn. Little did Jack know what toll his depression would have on his nonchalant and grief-stricken life.
It was an abysmal and sorrowful day with clouds that are as dark as voids crying their heavy tears out. The city was pounded by rain and hail while Jack sat on his couch synchronizing his tears with the drops of the clouds. The tears formed an orchestra full of depression without any light seeping through the crevasses of the floating abyss. Suddenly, while Jack cried out his pains and sorrows in life, his phone ringed at an alarming rate. The relentless rings went on until Jack picked up his own communication device only to have his heart broken tenfold.
Calls after calls, his friends dumped Jack like a garbage bag and his family scorned him with deep rancor and frustration. Jack cried but this time with vengefulness and a shattered heart. Jack had enough of solitude and loneliness and decided to change his unbeneficial habits that turned his life upside down. His sorrow has taken away his precious connections and has crumbled his life into minute specks of debris, each reminiscing his fond memories with his whole family. Will Jack be able to build his memories back into one piece with tranquility and peace?
Though he has attempted to change his mood with his favourite activities he just couldn’t forget about past events and his regret has grown alongside with more deep depression and the broken state he is now in. Jack remembered his life with his reckless father and his content for cries resonated around his body, a fuming temptation he couldn’t avoid. Jack’s legs trembled with fear of the path he was led to. Was he able to turn back to where it all began?
An idea was stuck in his grief-stricken head, as he played in the rain like a nonchalant toddler. The so-seemingly perpetual rain soon came to a halt, as Jack remembered what seemed like his memories with his past beloved father and his gleeful mother. They were singing and dancing around the rain prancing around muddy puddles and laughing until their hearts content. As the rain gradually came to stop, with the sun arising from its deep slumber, his sorrow disappeared out of his mind like a clear fog. Jack then remembered the importance of family and delicate childhood memories. As Jack apologised to each and every single one of his treasured friends for his abnormal behavior, he started to play football on Sundays with his mates and started having rejoiceful times with his childhood friends with great pride in his heart.
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative effectively establishes a melancholic and introspective tone, reflecting the protagonist’s internal struggles. The plot is engaging, with a clear progression from despair to a glimmer of hope. The sentence, “Jack cried out his pains and sorrows in life, his phone ringed at an alarming rate,” serves as a pivotal moment, transitioning from Jack’s internal battles to external conflicts. To further strengthen the plot, consider adding more nuanced transitions between scenes, creating a smoother flow of events and a deeper exploration of the protagonist’s journey.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
You’ve successfully used descriptions to enhance the mood, particularly with the image of Jack sitting on his couch, tears syncing with the rain. To augment this aspect, more emphasis could be placed on physical reactions and attire, providing a richer visual context. For instance, describing Jack’s disheveled appearance or his absent-minded fidgeting with a keepsake from his mother could add depth to his character portrayal.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory language is quite effective, especially in phrases like “pouring bulbs of rain that are as heavy as a blacksmith’s anvil.” This vivid imagery immerses readers in the scene. Expanding on these sensory details, such as the sound of rain against the window or the chill in the air, could further enhance the reader’s connection to the setting and Jack’s emotional state.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10
Jack’s character is well-established with a clear background and emotional depth. The reference to his relationship with his father, “Jack remembered his life with his reckless father,” adds complexity to his character. To improve, consider developing secondary characters more fully. Giving them distinct voices and backgrounds will make the narrative more engaging and relatable.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your grammar and syntax are largely effective, contributing to the narrative’s readability. The sentence structure varies, which helps maintain reader interest. However, there are occasional awkward phrasings and punctuation errors that disrupt the flow. Refining these aspects will enhance the overall clarity and impact of your writing.
Vocabulary – Score: 5/5
Your choice of vocabulary is strong and appropriate for the narrative’s tone. Words like “despondent,” “rancorous,” and “rejoiceful” effectively convey the emotional landscape.
Vocabulary Suggestions:
Abysmal, Synonym: Bottomless
Nonchalant, Synonym: Indifferent
Rancor, Synonym: Animosity
Despondent, Synonym: Downhearted
Rejoiceful, Synonym: Jubilant
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative compellingly depicts a journey through grief and despair, with effective use of imagery and character development. However, further refinement in character development, especially of supporting characters, and smoother transitions within the plot would enhance the overall impact. More attention to detail in describing physical reactions and settings would also enrich the narrative’s vividness.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Introduce smoother transitions between scenes to enhance narrative flow.
Develop secondary characters to add depth to the story.
Expand on sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
Refine grammar and syntax to improve clarity and readability.
Use physical descriptions and reactions to deepen character portrayal.
Overall Score: 42/50
Rewritten Narrative
The air was frigid and barren of warmth, a mirror to the heart of a man steeped in despair. This man, Jack, was neither a beacon of hope nor a hand that lifted others. His penchant for tarnishing others’ days was as natural as a lion’s pursuit of its prey. Above him perpetually hovered a quartz-grey cloud, unleashing raindrops as heavy as a blacksmith’s anvil. Relentless in its fall, much like Jack’s deep, sorrowful grief stemming from his mother’s demise. His father, a man filled with bitterness, had steered Jack towards a path of desolation and sorrow.
On a particularly gloomy day, with clouds as dark as the void weeping their burdensome tears, the city was besieged by a deluge. Jack, ensconced on his couch, found his tears in harmony with the rain. It was a symphony of despair, void of any sliver of light piercing through the dense clouds. In the midst of his anguish, a sudden barrage of phone rings shattered the silence. Each call brought more heartache – friends abandoning him, family lashing out in frustration. This time, his tears were laced with vengeance, his heart shattered into innumerable fragments.
Despite attempts to revive his spirits with favoured pastimes, the shadows of regret and depression only grew more profound. Memories of his reckless father haunted him, igniting a fiery temptation within. Fear trembled through his legs, pondering if redemption was still within reach.
Amidst his turmoil, Jack found solace in the rain, playing like a carefree child. As the rain ceased and the sun broke through its slumber, his sorrow began to dissolve, like fog clearing under the morning sun. He recalled cherished moments with his parents – their laughter and joy in the rain, leaving indelible marks on his heart. With the sun’s rise, Jack’s resolve strengthened. He reached out in apology to his friends, rekindling lost connections. Sundays were now marked by football matches with friends, their laughter and camaraderie reawakening joy within him. Jack’s heart, once heavy with grief, now swelled with pride and newfound hope.
The Unexpected Inheritance Year 6 Week 2 Writing Homework Optional Homework Scene 1
Emily was a curious child who loved to seek adventure in every corner. She lived a mundane life though with nothing to explore and nothing to delve into. The countryside she lived in was as peaceful as a tranquil waterfall making it even more difficult for Emily to find adventures around the town. Many people grew pity for Emily, as they stared at her incompetence with the environment. Her curiosity was usually urging Emily to go on an adventure but nothing interesting captivated Emily’s mind nor did it fill her hunger deep inside her brain. She yearned and prayed for a journey or a trek to somewhere beyond the tranquil and eloquent town until one day she received a mysterious letter that yelled the word adventure. Little did Emily know what journey she was going to embark on.
Of course, Emily read aloud the letter which told a tedious tale about how she inherited a dull cottage. As an eager and determinated girl, she trimmed and skipped parts of the wordy letter. Her eyes were drawn to one thing. How her ‘relative’ died. It has explained how she suicided but Emily couldn’t care more after all it was an unknown relative. She thought of the trek that would lead her to the cottage. She presumed that the journey was like any other, blended with great boredom, but with a inquisitive mind yearning for answers, she set off a journey to the cottage. She followed the directions given on the strange and abnormal map and went on her way to the dilapidated and humble abode in hope of a new and renovated cottage where she could sustain in. Will she make it?
On her way to the habitation she questioned what she was going to see inside of the warm and welcoming abode. Possibly worn out and rugged furniture with infested bugs or an outrageously beautiful mansion-like home with gold covered floors and grand halls. As she pondered about the humble or precious abode she was met with a path with winding and devious turns. The path twirled around on hills after hills. It was a labyrinth of riddles and question marks. To Emily, it seemed as if it was a perpetual way to the cottage. Though it was going to be a trek with unknowing difficulty she carried on the journey thinking about the precious cottage at the end that she inherited. Was she making the right choice?
To keep Emily distracted from the main and time-consuming path ahead, she hummed a terrific melody hopefully calming her heart rate down. The afternoon sun was shining its crystal-like rays upon her path while it burnt Emily’s back. Though the devious path was taking its tolls on Emily, there was a bigger problem ahead. How will she keep on going with the limited supplies that she carried along this journey? She was no where near the possible refuge with nothing more to nibble or crunch on. Will she persist on the trek?
Emily went from a leisurely walk to a fast paced jog. Her heart was beating staring at the same flower over and over again. Was she looping? Her suspicion grew as she placed a sign showing if she was transported back to where she was. To her great surprise she apparently was. She turned around seeking for help but she saw no one around the peaceful meadow. The meadow soon turned into her dreadful nightmare haunting her for all of eternity. She cried for help only for the sound to vibrate back to the start. She was hopeless. It was like she was a caged animal left to crumble into dust and nothing more. She sat down pondering if she was going to have her last breathes in the eerie loop.
Suddenly, she took out the note from her bag to uncover the secret and hidden path leading to the destined location. She followed the path and heeded the words in great detail, eventually breaking free from the mystical loop. She stared at the old and rotten cottage with the vacant cracks. The overgrown nature was clearly visible with the mounds and mounds of vines. She admonished the warning on the note and tentatively opened the yellow tinted door only to be met with blood stains and a murderous knife. She stared at cottage only to be met with an unfamiliar name. It was this that made her gasp. She inherited this precious cottage, though run-down, from her Aunty. She uncovered more and more journals about her Aunty, each one growing more optimistic by the day. She couldn’t have killed herself, she just couldn’t have.
Emily was determined to find the truth and went on her journey to uncover the secrets among her so seemingly harmless family.
UNEXPECTED INHERITANCE FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10:
Your narrative displays a well-structured plot, gradually unveiling Emily’s journey and her internal struggles. The use of suspense in “Will she make it?” effectively piques the reader’s interest. However, the plot could benefit from a clearer exposition of the conflict. For instance, when you write, “Her curiosity was usually urging Emily to go on an adventure,” you could delve deeper into the specific challenges she faces in her mundane environment, enhancing the plot’s depth.
Setting and Characterisation – Score: 8/10:
You have vividly painted the setting of a tranquil countryside and contrasted it with Emily’s adventurous spirit. This juxtaposition effectively highlights her character’s uniqueness. To further enrich your characterisation, consider exploring more deeply the relationships and interactions Emily has with the townspeople. For instance, “Many people grew pity for Emily, as they stared at her incompetence with the environment” could be expanded to show specific instances of interaction that shape her character.
Vivid and Descriptive Language – Score: 7/10:
Your use of descriptive language, such as “tranquil waterfall” and “mysterious letter,” successfully creates an immersive experience. To enhance this aspect, focus on varying your sentence structures and incorporating more sensory details. For example, in “The afternoon sun was shining its crystal-like rays upon her path,” consider describing the effect of the sun on Emily and her surroundings, adding layers to the reader’s imagination.
Creativity and Originality – Score: 8/10:
Your story exhibits originality, especially in the mysterious elements surrounding the inherited cottage. The twist with the mysterious letter is intriguing. To bolster creativity, try weaving in more unexpected elements or plot twists that align with the story’s tone, such as the moment Emily realises the true nature of her inheritance.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5:
The essay is largely well-written with a few instances of awkward phrasing. For example, “It has explained how she suicided” could be rephrased for clarity and sensitivity. Ensuring consistent tense usage and refining sentence construction would enhance readability.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5:
Your vocabulary is generally appropriate and varied. Consider using synonyms to avoid repetition and to enrich the narrative’s texture.
Determinated, Synonym: Resolute
Tedious, Synonym: Monotonous
Precious, Synonym: Valuable
Eerie, Synonym: Sinister
Incompetence, Synonym: Ineptitude
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay exhibits a compelling narrative with engaging elements. The plot and character development are strong, though there’s room for deeper exploration of Emily’s internal struggles and her interactions with others. Your descriptive language is vivid, but incorporating more sensory details and varying sentence structures would enhance the reader’s experience. The story’s creativity is commendable, with a few opportunities to introduce more surprises or twists. Attention to grammar and syntax, and a slightly more varied vocabulary, would further refine your writing.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Deepen character development by exploring Emily’s relationships and interactions with others.
Introduce more sensory details to create a more immersive experience.
Experiment with varying sentence structures to maintain reader engagement.
Consider introducing more plot twists or unexpected elements to enhance originality.
Pay attention to consistent tense usage and refine sentence construction for clarity.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten Essay:
Emily, a child brimming with curiosity, yearned for adventures in her uneventful countryside life. Despite the tranquillity of her surroundings, akin to a serene waterfall, her soul craved exploration, a longing unnoticed by the sympathetic townsfolk. Her insatiable curiosity was unfulfilled, leaving her to dream of journeys beyond the eloquent, yet dull, town. One day, a letter arrived, igniting her adventurous spirit.
Receiving news of an inherited cottage from an unknown relative, Emily, filled with eagerness, skimmed the verbose letter. She fixated on the mysterious circumstances surrounding her relative’s demise, dismissing the details. The journey to the cottage, she presumed, would be tedious. Yet, with an inquisitive mind, she embarked, following the odd directions on an abnormal map to the dilapidated abode, hoping for a hidden treasure within.
En route, Emily’s imagination wavered between envisioning a decrepit shack and a lavish mansion. The path to the cottage was a labyrinth of twists and riddles, seeming endless. Despite the challenges, she persevered, driven by the mystery of her inheritance. Yet, concerns about her limited supplies and the repetitive landscape began to trouble her. Was she merely walking in circles?
In a moment of desperation, she revisited the letter, discovering a hidden path. Following it meticulously, she escaped the loop. The cottage, shrouded in overgrowth, stood before her. Inside, a shocking scene awaited: bloodstains and a menacing knife. Among the journals left behind, she learned of her Aunt, the previous owner. The optimistic entries contradicted the supposed suicide. Determined to uncover the truth, Emily began her quest to unravel the secrets of her seemingly innocuous family.
The Ancient and Hidden Manuscripts Year 6 Week 2 Writing Homework Scene 2
Jack wondered around the incredibly mundane house as he dug through drawers in his bedroom on end. He was a child who gets easily bored without anything to do. He was the type of kid that was much more impatient than any other child. His temper would go off the charts soaring off the graph when no activities are in front of him. He scavenged around the house in hope for something intriguing something that was unknown to his present knowledge, but, as any other boring day, he couldn’t find anything or any traces of adventure. Nol relics screamed out adventure. He carefully walked to his grandfather’s study where possible adventures lie. He scurried out books and pictures of his family only to discover a mysterious and anonymous manuscript that caught Jack’s eye.
Jack was the type of boy who would succumb to his grandfather’s study room because it was a place where many ancient treasures are passed down from generations but even though he has entered into the timeless surface, has hasn’t found the hidden book before. The book laid on the cold hard floor waiting to be read. Jack observed the book. It seemed like hours has passed by just staring at the book but precious minutes were falling down the drain. As the nonchalant and adventurous boy he is, he picked up the thick and solid hard book. He tentatively opened the book with great care and affection. What is going to happen to Jack?
Suddenly, the very body of time was bent. Jack stared at the blank and timeless crack in the air. Jack gasped with great horror, what has he done? Jack slowly walked towards the crack pressing his hand into the portal-like crevasse. Before he entered the alternate world, he took the book that was laying in the attic for all this time and stepped through to embrace the other side. Jack’s body was as delicate as glass, as he landed on the brick-hard floor. His stomach was twisted and Jack vomited a mound of human waste. He stared around the place to look at the realm that the crevasse has transcended him to only to find his grandfather as a child. His grandfather didn’t seem to notice him though. It was as if he was invisible in the world.
He traversed around the area and observed his grandfather’s habits. He would usually peek through the window to see what event was at place in the classroom inside the school grounds. There wasn’t any type of machines back in the day of his grandfather. There was only papers and dull grey cameras. There wasn’t much colour during his grandfather’s age but decided to keep on going. he continued to stare at his grandfather’s days. Though nothing much really happened Jack was intrigued how different life was back then. The dullness concluded on one peculiar day of his grandfather’s life. It was the time when his grandfather was handed an amulet, but it wasn’t any type of amulet but an amulet passed down way before his grandfather was even born.
Jack snapped back to reality, pondering where the amulet could be and what his body was doing back in the present. Suddenly his grandfather twisted the door knob and opened the door to find Jack sprawling on the books that his grandfather possessed. His grandfather chuckled and whispered Jack a secret about what happened back in the day, observing how intrigued Jack was about the past and its history. Jack saw this manuscript not only a book, but a book of untold mysteries within his family and this household.
HIDDEN MANUSCRIPT FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score 8/10:
Your narrative demonstrates a well-thought-out plot, revolving around Jack’s exploration and the discovery of a mysterious book, leading to a fantastical journey. The sequence where “Jack slowly walked towards the crack pressing his hand into the portal-like crevasse” effectively transitions the story into a new, intriguing dimension. To enhance the structure, consider developing a clearer climax and resolution, perhaps detailing more of Jack’s emotional journey or the impact of his discoveries.
Setting and Characterisation – Score 8/10:
You have vividly portrayed the setting, particularly in describing the grandfather’s study as a place of ancient treasures. The line, “There wasn’t much colour during his grandfather’s age,” efficiently sets the tone of the past era. For further development, you could expand on the characters’ backgrounds and motivations. For instance, exploring why Jack is drawn to his grandfather’s study could add depth to his character.
Vivid and Descriptive Language – Score 7/10:
Your use of descriptive language, such as “Jack’s body was as delicate as glass, as he landed on the brick-hard floor,” vividly paints the scenes. To further enhance your descriptive writing, consider varying your sentence structures and incorporating more sensory details. Describing the sounds, smells, and tactile sensations of Jack’s environment could create a more immersive experience.
Creativity and Originality – Score 8/10:
The concept of a journey through time initiated by an old book is quite creative. The detail, “His grandfather didn’t seem to notice him though. It was as if he was invisible in the world,” adds an interesting twist. To further boost originality, you might introduce unique elements or unexpected turns in the plot, making Jack’s adventure even more distinctive.
Grammar and Syntax – Score 4/5:
The grammar and syntax are generally good, with only minor issues. For instance, in “as the nonchalant and adventurous boy he is,” consider revising to maintain tense consistency. Enhancing sentence variety and complexity can improve the flow and readability.
Vocabulary – Score 5/5:
Your vocabulary choice is strong and appropriate for the narrative tone. Words such as “scavenged,” “transcended,” and “amulet” are well-selected.
“Scavenged,” Synonym: “rummaged”
“Transcended,” Synonym: “surpassed”
“Amulet,” Synonym: “talisman”
“Nonchalant,” Synonym: “indifferent”
“Crevasse,” Synonym: “fissure”
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay is engaging and imaginative, presenting a captivating story that blends mundane reality with fantastical elements. The narrative structure is clear, although further development in plot progression could enhance the impact. The setting and characters are intriguing, but deeper characterisation would add more emotional depth. The use of descriptive language is effective, yet more variety in sensory details would enrich the narrative. Your creativity shines through the premise, and the grammar and syntax are solid with room for minor improvements. The vocabulary is well-chosen, contributing to the story’s tone.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Develop the characters more, especially their motivations and emotions.
Introduce more varied and complex sentence structures to enhance readability.
Include additional sensory descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive setting.
Consider adding more twists or unique elements to the plot for greater originality.
Focus on a clearer climax and resolution to give the story a more satisfying arc.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten Essay:
Jack meandered aimlessly through the dull corridors of his house, rifling through the drawers in his bedroom. As a child prone to boredom, he found himself restlessly seeking a hint of excitement. His impatience was unparalleled, often leading to fits of temper when faced with the monotony of his surroundings. Today, like any other, offered no respite, no hint of adventure. He wandered into his grandfather’s study, a repository of ancient relics and forgotten tales. Amidst the dusty tomes and faded photographs, an unmarked manuscript caught his eye.
This room, steeped in history, had always been Jack’s escape. Yet, despite the numerous visits, this mysterious book had eluded him. It lay on the floor, its pages filled with secrets yet untold. Time seemed to stand still as he contemplated its cover. Finally, with a blend of reverence and curiosity, he opened it.
In an instant, the fabric of time warped. A crack, void of time itself, appeared before Jack. His heart raced with a mix of awe and fear. Pushing his hand through the ethereal crevice, he clutched the manuscript and stepped into the unknown. His arrival was jarring, his body fragile against the unyielding ground. Disoriented, he witnessed his surroundings morph into a past era, where his grandfather, then a young boy, roamed unaware of Jack’s ghostly presence.
Observing from the shadows, Jack watched his grandfather’s younger days unfold. The world was stark, devoid of modern conveniences, captured in shades of grey. Yet, amidst this simplicity, a significant moment unfolded – his grandfather received an ancient amulet, a family heirloom of untold significance.
Snapped back to the present, Jack lay sprawled among the relics of his grandfather’s study. The old man entered, his eyes twinkling with knowledge of bygone days. He shared whispered tales of the past, recognising Jack’s newfound appreciation for their family’s history. The manuscript was no longer just a book to Jack; it had become a gateway to the mysteries of his lineage.
A Historical Boat Year 6 Week 2 Writing Homework Scene 3
Sarah tugged on the heavy boat like a struggling ape. She just couldn’t pull the boat off the water. It was stuck like concrete. Sarah was leisurely jogging through the woods to refresh her from the mounds of tiresome paperwork that would be awaiting for her at home like deathly predators. She tried not to ponder about the ways on signing and completing the paperwork and the most efficient ways possible but she just couldn’t. She went on her way through the trek and was met with a river that was as long as the Great Wall of China. The tranquility of her morning jog was disrupted by the obstacle right ahead of her. She pondered how to get through when she was met with a boat with intricate woven timber and traditional patterns. It was beautiful in all its glory and it was a master piece. She decided to mount the wondering boat but the sails weren’t budging and couldn’t be moved which leaves her in the condition right now.
She gave up the tugging and decided to observe the causes of the concreted boat. As she observed the situation, she was secretly studied by an indigenous Australian. Sarah then looked at the weirdly carved floating mobile but found it was as ancient as her amulet passed down from generations. The boat was quite out of shape and was rugged in all the surfaces. She decided to restore it only to be intimidated by the Indigenous Australian. He stared at Sarah in a threatened manner trying to get Sarah out of the way with his lengthy and deathly spear carved for hunting and predatory acts. Sarah tried to communicate with the Indigenous Australian but due to their language barrier the Australian couldn’t figure out a word she was saying.
Sarah then used body language and prayed for the Australian to not stab her with the strong and deadly spear but the indigenous Australian pulled the boat out of the water without any problems and spoke english, the language that Sarah spoked. They worked together to patch the visible hole in the boat and they renovated the floating raft to apply a new style to it. Though all was coming smoothly as they thought the boat suddenly slipped off the steep hill they were on and splashed into the solid water and the boat exploded into minute pieces. The dilapidated boat was an ancient boat of aboriginal history, a testament to ancient skills of those who lived in the past.
The aboriginal burst into tears and cried salty drops of water. He sobbed while the boat’s debris was dragged out of the water. The remainder of the water mobile was in shambles and broken shards. The shattered boat was like a destroyed glass that flew into miniature pieces of shards. Sarah comforted the aboriginal hoping to lift the aboriginal’s spirit up but nothing seemed to work. Hours passed by as Sarah came back with tools for renovation of the dilapidated boat. She carefully aligned each piece. The aboriginal decided to take action of his own property helping Sarah build the boat back to its former art. Each piece signified the tapestry painted by the aboriginal people.
Sarah soon completed the boat finalizing the details on the boat with great care and precision. Sarah looked upon the experiences that she had and the relationships she formed. She has just grew closer to the aboriginal society and she grew a more profound mind for the aboriginal people. Sarah came back home with a new version of herself. She stared at the mounds of work not as a burden but an opportunity for growth and drifted off in the mound of paper.
FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative effectively weaves together elements of adventure, cultural interaction, and personal growth. The sequence where Sarah finds the boat and engages with the Indigenous Australian is particularly engaging. However, the plot could be further developed by providing more background on Sarah’s character and her motivations. For instance, the mention of “mounds of tiresome paperwork” hints at a deeper story. Elaborating on this could add depth to Sarah’s character and her journey.
Setting and Characterisation – Score: 8/10
You have skilfully created a vivid setting that enhances the story. The description of the environment, such as the river “as long as the Great Wall of China,” adds a sense of grandeur. In terms of characterisation, Sarah is well-established, but the Indigenous Australian remains somewhat underdeveloped. It would be beneficial to explore his background and perspective more deeply. For example, his emotional attachment to the boat could be explained in more detail, offering insight into his character and culture.
Vivid and Descriptive Language – Score: 9/10
Your use of descriptive language is a highlight, painting vivid images in the reader’s mind. Phrases like “the tranquility of her morning jog was disrupted” and “the boat exploded into minute pieces” are evocative. To enhance this further, consider varying your sentence structures to create a more rhythmic flow, adding to the descriptive quality of the narrative.
Creativity and Originality – Score: 8/10
The storyline showcases a high degree of creativity and originality, particularly in blending cultural elements with a personal growth narrative. The unexpected turn of the boat’s destruction and subsequent rebuilding is a creative plot twist. To build upon this, you could introduce more elements that explore the cultural significance of the boat and its symbolism in the story.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your grammar and syntax are generally strong, with a few areas for improvement. Some sentences could be streamlined for clarity and conciseness. For example, “Sarah then used body language and prayed for the Australian to not stab her” could be rephrased for clarity and impact.
Vocabulary: 4/5
Concreted, Synonym: Solidified
Intricate, Synonym: Complex
Dilapidated, Synonym: Decrepit
Predatory, Synonym: Predacious
Testament, Synonym: Affirmation
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay is a compelling narrative filled with vivid descriptions and creative elements. The story’s strength lies in its ability to transport the reader into its setting and engage them with its plot. To further enhance your writing, consider the following:
Develop characters more deeply, offering insight into their backgrounds and motivations.
Introduce additional cultural elements to enrich the narrative and provide context.
Utilise varied sentence structures to create a more engaging and rhythmic narrative flow.
Expand on the emotional aspects of the story, particularly in the interactions between Sarah and the Indigenous Australian.
Pay attention to grammar and sentence construction for clearer communication.
Overall, your essay is a delightful read, showcasing creativity and a knack for descriptive storytelling.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten
Sarah, grappling with the hefty boat, resembled a beleaguered ape in her struggle. The vessel, stubborn as set concrete, refused to budge. Earlier, her leisurely jog through the forest had been a retreat from the daunting mountains of paperwork at home, lurking like malevolent predators. Yet, even amidst the verdant tranquility, her thoughts invariably drifted back to the most efficient methods for completing her tasks.
Her path, meandering through the woodland, led her to a river, vast as the Great Wall of China. Its serene flow was an obstacle, halting her progress. There, a boat caught her eye, adorned with elaborate timberwork and traditional motifs – a masterpiece of craftsmanship. Climbing aboard, she found the sails immovable, leaving her marooned.
Ceasing her futile efforts, Sarah scrutinized the boat’s condition. During her inspection, an Indigenous Australian observed her covertly. The vessel, as venerable as her ancestral amulet, was in a state of disrepair, its surfaces rugged. Intent on restoration, Sarah’s efforts were soon interrupted by the Indigenous man, his presence imposing with a spear in hand, crafted for the hunt.
Attempts at verbal communication faltered against the barrier of language. Resorting to gestures, Sarah conveyed her peaceful intentions. To her astonishment, the man effortlessly liberated the boat from its watery trap, revealing a fluency in English. United in their task, they repaired a visible breach in the hull and infused the raft with a new aesthetic.
However, their triumph was short-lived. The boat, perched precariously on a hill, slipped and shattered upon the unyielding river below. The remains of this ancient Aboriginal artifact lay scattered – a poignant reminder of a bygone era.
The Aboriginal man, overcome with grief, mourned the loss of this cultural relic. Sarah, in a gesture of solidarity, returned with tools to aid in the boat’s reconstruction. Together, they meticulously pieced it back together, each fragment a testament to Aboriginal artistry.
The project complete, Sarah reflected on her journey. She had not only restored a piece of history but had also bridged a cultural divide. Returning home, she viewed her awaiting tasks not as burdens but as opportunities for personal growth, her mind enriched by the day’s experiences.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hxbvXGiNrasF6gD0fORuTQ-6gqTo4v4FOu84IR5cnXI/edit?usp=sharing
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative effectively weaves a compelling storyline, capturing the reader’s attention with its intriguing plot. The transition from James Patterson’s dire circumstances to the unexpected job offer maintains a good pace and raises intriguing questions. However, the plot could benefit from clearer connections between events. For example, the transition from “He quickly stood up, changing his mind about whether he would attend” to being forcibly seated by a larger man seems abrupt. Providing more insight into his thought process or adding more interaction could smooth this transition and enhance the flow of events.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
The descriptions of characters’ appearances and reactions are vivid, significantly aiding in the visualization of the scene. The contrast between James Patterson’s worn suit and the wealthy woman’s impeccably tailored attire is particularly effective. To further enrich this aspect, consider adding more details about the secondary characters, such as the larger man’s appearance or demeanour. This would not only enhance the visual imagery but also add depth to the characters’ interactions.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 7/10
Your use of sensory language, such as “cracked windows infected the entire building like a plague”, vividly sets the scene and creates an immersive experience for the reader. To elevate this further, incorporating additional sensory details, like sounds or smells, would deepen the reader’s engagement with the environment. For instance, describing the sounds within the building or the atmosphere of the room could provide a more rounded sensory experience.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10
You’ve established James Patterson as a multi-faceted character with a rich backstory. His emotions and motivations are clearly conveyed, creating empathy in the reader. To enhance character development, consider giving more background or personality traits to the other characters, such as the woman and the larger man. This would provide a more comprehensive understanding of their roles and motivations in the story.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative is generally well-constructed with good use of grammar and syntax. However, there are moments where sentence structure could be more varied to enhance readability. For example, “His mournful expression left a depressing mark on everyone around him, threatening to consume everything in his entire life” could be broken into shorter sentences for greater impact.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
[Crease], Synonym: [Fold]
[Anxious], Synonym: [Apprehensive]
[Forlorn], Synonym: [Desolate]
[Resonated], Synonym: [Echoed]
[Flickering], Synonym: [Fluttering]
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative presents a compelling and engaging story with a strong central character. The vivid descriptions and sensory language effectively draw the reader into the scene, and the contrast between the characters’ appearances is well executed. To further enhance your writing:
Develop smoother transitions between scenes for a more cohesive plot structure.
Introduce additional sensory elements to create a more immersive atmosphere.
Expand the characterisation of secondary characters for greater depth.
Experiment with varied sentence structures to enhance the narrative flow.
Consider more diverse vocabulary to enrich the storytelling.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
James Patterson’s forehead was perpetually marked with a fold of worry, an emblem of the immense burden he bore. The relentless shadow of poverty pressed upon him, a stark reminder of the destitution that had engulfed his life. His sorrowful visage cast a gloomy impression on all who crossed his path, its melancholy threatening to engulf his existence.
He stood solitary outside a concrete edifice, an island amidst an asphalt jungle. Battling the elements, the structure showed signs of neglect; cracked windows spread across its façade like a disease. Nature’s intricate tapestry of foliage had begun its slow ascent up the walls, gripping the building’s foundation.
The walls mirrored Patterson’s apprehensive mood, reflecting a monotonous, grey existence. Clutching a paper in his hand, he verified the address. It was correct. This might be the moment his job search ended, igniting a fluttering hope in his heart, prompting a rare smile.
Seated in a desolate chair, his suit hinted at a past wealth, now lost to gambling and debts. Fidgeting, he spoke with teeth clenched, a facade of confidence masking his unease. His eyes darted around the room, absorbing the sights of peeling floorboards and boarded windows, each whispering tales of neglect and rejection.
Suddenly standing, intent on leaving, he was forcefully reseated by a burly figure. “Let me go!” his voice echoed, laden with worry for his family. “Let him go,” commanded a woman’s voice, imbued with luxury and authority. Patterson turned, surprised. She stood there, her attire exuding opulence, her posture commanding respect.
Astonishment etched his face, concealing his fear. Finding his voice, he stuttered, “Al-All I wanted was a job to keep my family safe.” She eyed him skeptically, then asked, “Do you think you can make something of this?”
She gestured towards him, then produced a card from her pocket. “We need to hack this account, follow this man,” she instructed, handing him the card. His face paled as he read it – the bank account number was his own.
Here is my writing homework
W2 Characterisation Slides
Sorry I chose the wrong file.
Here is the correct one
W2 Charecterisation
Hello!
We have already sent the feedback for your Week 2 writing homework to your Gmail. Please check and let us know if you have received it.
Regards,
Scholarly
The Forlorn Man – Week 2 Y6 Writing HW
As he crept into his dim unit, the burden of the world hung onto his aching shoulders. His nervous pupils darted across the place, with each slow step creaking the floor. Sweating and fidgeting, each step became a heavier burden on him, finally collapsing to his bed. He sighed, as his tragic childhood struck him in the heart, like a lightning bolt. Hands in his head, he rested. His thoughts fought in his head, in the battlefield of the head. His forehead creased, his eyes bouncing from side to side, as his brain involuntarily overwhelmed him. Suddenly, his phone chimed. His face turned as pale as snow, and with shaking hands, answered the phone. His lips quivered, as he shoved his first word out. ‘H-hello?’ he stammered, voice trembling. A bold and intimidating voice boomed from the device. ‘You’re fired!’ the man angrily spat. Before the man could answer, he disconnected. His body was petrified. The soft rain pattered outside, showing the reflection of the falling sun, saying goodbye. His anxiety punched him in the stomach, his legs turned into weights. Weights that would not let him stand up from this misery and sorrow. His life decided to rot away like an apple core, secluded from reality. His mother had fled from the malicious family, with only his wicked father to pave the future for him. Beaten and bruised for almost everyday of his childhood, his tarnished early life did not let his spirit down, as he continued to be a hardworking and kind man. He silently asked, ‘Why? Why am I being constantly hurted?’ Only the howling of the wind heard his quiet cry for help. Spirits sunken, he decided he was not worthy and sobbed himself to sleep. The next day, the ache in his heart throbbed harder, as he woefully woke up to the contrasting happy sun, glistening outside. His heavy burden on his mind was still there, pulling him down, but he slowly got to his feet. He tiredly did his usual routine, and slowly took burden steps. His phone chimed again, from his boss. His face turned white. He monotonously asked, ‘Hello?’ The boss chuckled with a hint of malice. He sighed. ‘You really thought we would fire a great employee like you?’ the boss chuckled. Suddenly, the man’s eyes flicked open in shock. ‘What?’ he stammered hastily. He stood up with hope. ‘You aren’t fired!’ the man laughed. ‘You’ve been promoted!’ The burdens suddenly became as light as a feather. He happily screamed silently. ‘Really?’ he asked in awe. ‘Yes!’ the boss happily replied. The man’s thoughts stopped battling, and started harmonizing in happiness. ‘It was just a silly prank!’, the boss chuckled lightly. The man’s heart jumped up and down, as happiness flowed through the room. His sunken eyes were now squirming with excitement. As the call ended, he was delighted and relieved. He swept away the feeling of forlorn and depression, and welcomed happiness and excitement into the doorstep of his mind. His existence was no longer useless. He felt a sense of direction, as he smiled with pride alone.
Updated Version: The Forlorn Man – Week 2 Y6 Writing HW
As he crept into his dim unit, the burden of the world hung onto his aching shoulders. His nervous pupils darted across the place, with each slow step creaking the floor. Sweating and fidgeting, each step became a heavier burden on him, finally collapsing to his bed. He sighed, as his tragic childhood struck him in the heart, like a lightning bolt. Hands in his head, he rested. His thoughts fought in his head, in the battlefield of the head. His forehead creased, his eyes bouncing from side to side, as his brain involuntarily overwhelmed him.
Suddenly, his phone chimed. His face turned as pale as snow, and with shaking hands, answered the phone. His lips quivered, as he shoved his first word out. ‘H-hello?’ he stammered, voice trembling. A bold and intimidating voice boomed from the device. ‘You’re fired!’ the man angrily spat. Before the man could answer, he disconnected. His body was petrified. The soft rain pattered outside, showing the reflection of the falling sun, saying goodbye. His anxiety punched him in the stomach, his legs turned into weights. Weights that would not let him stand up from this misery and sorrow. His life decided to rot away like an apple core, secluded from reality.
His mother had fled from the malicious family, with only his wicked father to pave the future for him. Beaten and bruised for almost everyday of his childhood, his tarnished early life did not let his spirit down, as he continued to be a hardworking and kind man. He silently asked, ‘Why? Why am I being constantly hurted?’ Only the howling of the wind heard his quiet cry for help. Spirits sunken, he decided he was not worthy and sobbed himself to sleep.
The next day, the ache in his heart throbbed harder, as he woefully woke up to the contrasting happy sun, glistening outside. His heavy burden on his mind was still there, pulling him down, but he slowly got to his feet. He tiredly did his usual routine, and slowly took burden steps. His phone chimed again, from his boss.
His face turned white. He monotonously asked, ‘Hello?’ The boss chuckled with a hint of malice. He sighed. ‘You really thought we would fire a great employee like you?’ the boss chuckled. Suddenly, the man’s eyes flicked open in shock. ‘What?’ he stammered hastily. He stood up with hope. ‘You aren’t fired!’ the man laughed. ‘You’ve been promoted!’ The burdens suddenly became as light as a feather. He happily screamed silently. ‘Really?’ he asked in awe. ‘Yes!’ the boss happily replied. The man’s thoughts stopped battling, and started harmonizing in happiness. ‘It was just a silly prank!’, the boss chuckled lightly. The man’s heart jumped up and down, as happiness flowed through the room. His sunken eyes were now squirming with excitement.
As the call ended, he was delighted and relieved. He swept away the feeling of forlorn and depression, and welcomed happiness and excitement into the doorstep of his mind. His existence was no longer useless. He felt a sense of direction, as he smiled with pride alone.
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative demonstrates a clear progression of events, effectively building tension and leading to a surprising yet gratifying conclusion. The moment where “His body was petrified” effectively captures a turning point. However, the transition from despair to sudden joy feels somewhat abrupt. To enhance the story’s impact, consider adding more nuanced development of the protagonist’s emotional journey, allowing the reader to experience the gradual shift from despair to hope.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
You’ve effectively used body language to convey the protagonist’s emotions, such as “His lips quivered” and “His face turned as pale as snow”. This visceral description helps the reader empathise with the character’s state. To further enhance your writing, consider incorporating descriptions of the character’s attire or surroundings that reflect his emotional state, adding depth to the portrayal of his journey.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory details, like “the soft rain pattered outside,” vividly sets the scene and mood. However, the narrative could benefit from a broader range of sensory descriptions. For example, incorporating smells, tastes, or tactile sensations would create a more immersive experience.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10
The protagonist’s struggle and eventual relief are well-portrayed, giving him a sense of depth. The line “spirits sunken, he decided he was not worthy” is a poignant reflection of his inner turmoil. To further develop multi-dimensionality, consider exploring secondary characters’ motivations and personalities, adding complexity to the narrative.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your grammar and syntax are largely effective in conveying the narrative. However, there are instances, such as “hurted”, where the correct form, “hurt”, would be more appropriate. Small adjustments in grammar can greatly enhance the clarity and flow of the story.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of words effectively conveys the emotional depth of the story. For example, “petrified” powerfully describes the protagonist’s state. To elevate your narrative, consider the following vocabulary enhancements:
“Aching”, Synonym: “Throbbing”
“Burden”, Synonym: “Encumbrance”
“Collapsed”, Synonym: “Slumped”
“Tragic”, Synonym: “Heartrending”
“Overwhelmed”, Synonym: “Engulfed”
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative is engaging and emotionally resonant, with a well-structured plot and effective use of descriptive language. The portrayal of the protagonist’s emotional journey is compelling, although there’s room to deepen character development and plot transitions. Attention to finer details in grammar and vocabulary can further refine your storytelling.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Introduce subtler transitions in the protagonist’s emotional journey to enhance believability and depth.
Include more varied sensory details (smell, touch) to create a more immersive reading experience.
Develop secondary characters, giving them distinct voices and roles to enrich the narrative.
Pay close attention to grammatical details for a smoother reading experience.
Experiment with more diverse vocabulary to add sophistication to your writing.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
As he tiptoed into his dimly lit apartment, the weight of the world seemed to press down on his throbbing shoulders. His eyes, wide and wary, scanned the room while each step elicited a creak from the old wooden floor. Beads of sweat formed on his brow as he shuffled forward, each movement feeling more encumbering than the last, until he finally slumped onto his bed in exhaustion. A sigh escaped him as memories of a heartrending childhood pierced his heart, reminiscent of a lightning strike. Burying his hands in his hair, he lay there, lost in thought.
Abruptly, his phone chimed. His complexion turned ghostly, and with trembling hands, he answered. “H-hello?” he stammered, his voice quivering. A stern, commanding voice erupted from the speaker. “You’re fired!” it barked harshly. Before he could respond, the line went dead. Frozen in shock, he listened to the gentle patter of rain outside, reflecting the setting sun’s farewell. Anxiety gripped him, turning his legs into leaden weights, anchoring him in a sea of despair.
His mother had escaped their malevolent family, leaving him with a cruel father who shaped his bleak future. Despite regular beatings, his spirit remained unbroken, driving him to become diligent and compassionate. Whispering into the void, he asked, “Why am I constantly suffering?” Only the mournful wind responded to his silent plea. Feeling unworthy, he succumbed to tears and drifted into a sorrowful sleep.
The next morning, his heartache was palpable as he woke to the sun’s mocking brightness. The heavy burden of his thoughts weighed him down, yet he managed to rise. Following his routine mechanically, he moved with heavy steps. His phone rang again. It was his boss.
His face blanched. “Hello?” he inquired monotonously. His boss’s laughter, tinged with cruelty, filled his ears. “Did you really think we’d dismiss an outstanding employee like you?” he jeered. The man’s eyes widened in astonishment. “What?” he gasped. “You’re not fired. You’ve been promoted!” his boss declared, amusement evident in his voice. The oppressive burdens lifted, replaced by a buoyant lightness. “Really?” he asked in disbelief. “Absolutely,” came the cheerful reply. The tumultuous thoughts in his mind ceased their battle, harmonising in joy. “Just a silly joke!” his boss added lightly. Joy surged through him, invigorating his weary spirit.
As the call ended, he felt an overwhelming sense of elation. Casting aside his gloom, he embraced a newfound sense of purpose and happiness. His existence, once bleak, now had direction. A proud smile graced his face, alone in his triumph.
John’s Beachfront Farewell
John and his family watched as the sun dipped below the radiant horizon, casting a fiery glow across the tranquil ocean, while small seagulls swooped and soared above, their wings shimmering in the golden light. Behind his serene smile he carried a mountain of emotions, hopes, fears as his mind flickered between joy and sadness. His time has come to an end, there was no glimmer of hope.
“You have 24 hours to live.” His doctor said. Tears raced down John’s face as he felt forlorn. How could he break the news to his family? John knew what he had to do. As he ambled to his cozy home, his footsteps echoed on the pavement, his heart heavy with unshed tears. John’s thoughts raced like a whirlwind, a tumultuous storm of despondency. His worn leather satchel hung from his shoulder, its faded edges and scuffed surface telling the story of countless adventures he went with his family.
He arrived home with a cheerful greeting knowing beneath his confident façade the guilt of not telling them what’s about to come lingered in him. Everyone ran to the costal beach as fast as their legs could carry them. They played on the golden sand and swam in the sapphire ocean. The smell of the grilled meat being made on the scented barbeque made everyone’s mouth water. The children looked like they were on cloud nine.
“Come for lunch!” Ruby, John’s wife said. The obedient children all ran to the barbeque hold their plastic plates. The air was thick with the scent of freshly cooked beef and chicken, its warm, aroma wafting from the barbeque enticing the children with promises of juicy goodness. After the family started eating, John took his knife, stood up and tapped his wine glass, making a noise that echoed through the beach.
“I have lived an amazing life and spending it with you guys has made it even better.” John said. Everyone’s face etched with puzzlement by this statement but John kept on talking. “ This is best and worst day of my life. I can only imagine what you guys will be able to achieve without me.” Tears ran down everyone’s face. They couldn’t believe what was happening and why John kept it a secret. John embraced everyone telling them that it would be okay. As they lie there on the beach, John peacefully watched his last ever beautiful sunset.
Hello!
We have already sent the feedback for your Week 2 writing homework to your Gmail. Please check and let us know if you have received it.
Regards,
Scholarly
A Single Soul
Adam, an apathetic man, was serenely watching TV when his telephone was crying insistently like a wailing baby. He had a lanky body, a few freckles on his face and each string of hair was curly like a pastoral crook. Buzz! Buzz! As it jangled, vibrations boomed through the fresh air. Adam was curious to who’d been calling him, so he picked up the phone. A shrill voice became louder and louder as Adam realized it was his girlfriend, Miranda, and he could sense her frustration.
“I’m breaking up with you!” Miranda barked. Instantaneously, she disconnected the call. Rage pulsed through Adam’s livid veins. “Why?” He said to himself. His thoughts echoed as they raced across his mind like a whirlpool, a tumultuous storm of doubt and determination. He’d been with Miranda for so long, but he still got dumped savagely. He tried to utter words but choked back with tears. He was stuck in the depths of misery, traumatized. Adam’s gaunt body was frozen, his head down raining tears from his shadowed eyes, a waterfall of melancholy. His voice, weathered by despondency, hummed a mournful tune, echoing the nostalgic memories created by him and his soulmate. Each note was a musical narrative of dreams unmade by fate’s indifferent hands.
Adam had no idea what to do. Depression was overpowering his brain. He took ten deep breaths, constantly wheezing as his emotions began to relax. His dim-lit eyes were suffocating from tears, but he was holding it in. To calm down he decided to go to sleep and hopefully be alright.
The next day, Adam woke up to the picturesque sunrise, ranging from russet to Autumnal browns. The sun, igniting light over the adorned horizon, pranced it’s way to Adam’s bedside window. To start a new day, Adam sat on the golden beach, his eyes glancing from sand to stone, from rock pools to breaking, sapphire waves. In the gentle Spring sunshine, he felt he was torpedoing through the briny aroma, as if the new rays of the day brought a frisson of vigour to his fingertips. Adam soon realized that it wasn’t that bad. He had a playful dog to talk to and his compassionate friends to hang out with.
As his days of being single went on, he learned many new things. One of them was cooking. On Thanksgiving, he prepared a plethora of gourmet dishes, like sweet French toast, drizzled in honey and whipped cream, or juicy, tender steak smothered in barbecue sauce and even a soft pavlova, topped with fresh fruit.
Adam’s life was getting better, and he found new hobbies. He was living happily, visiting his cherished friends often. He realized that living single is just as good as living as a couple.
Hello!
We have already sent the feedback for your Week 2 writing homework to your Gmail. Please check and let us know if you have received it.
Regards,
Scholarly
Xtra hw
https://docs.google.com/document/d/13aQF1D42BfulhY8wQcfeCbrtZc6HnhxHxARscCL7yK4/edit?usp=sharing
FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative shows a well-developed plot, especially in Emily’s emotional transition from feeling forlorn to finding solace in her surroundings. The transformation of the cottage as seen through Emily’s eyes is a poignant representation of her internal journey. However, the story could benefit from a clearer exposition of Emily’s background, possibly by weaving in more details about her life before arriving at the cottage. This would add depth to her character and make her realisation at the end more impactful.
Setting and Characterisation – Score: 8/10
The setting is vividly described, creating a contrast between Emily’s inner world and her external environment. Your portrayal of Emily is emotionally resonant, effectively conveying her sense of loneliness and yearning. To further enhance this aspect, consider expanding on how her past experiences shape her perception of the cottage and the nature around it. Additionally, introducing subtle interactions or reflections on her past could deepen the characterisation and make her journey more relatable.
Vivid and Descriptive Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of descriptive language effectively paints a picture of the setting and Emily’s emotions. Phrases like “a beautiful web of spidery fingers” and “intricate fingers of mother nature” are particularly evocative. To elevate this further, consider varying your sentence structure to create a rhythm that mirrors Emily’s emotional journey, using shorter sentences to convey tension and longer, more flowing ones to reflect her moments of awe and realisation.
Creativity and Originality – Score: 8/10
The transformation of Emily’s perception of the cottage is a creative approach to exploring themes of loss, hope, and renewal. To enhance originality, you might explore unique metaphors or symbols that resonate specifically with Emily’s past and future aspirations. This could add another layer of depth to the narrative, making the story more unique and personalised.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your essay demonstrates good command of grammar and syntax, with the narrative flowing smoothly. However, there are minor areas where sentence construction could be improved for clarity and impact. For instance, consider varying sentence lengths and structures to better convey the emotional undertones of the narrative.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
The vocabulary used is apt and conveys the intended emotions and scenery well. To enhance this, consider incorporating more nuanced words that reflect the subtleties of Emily’s emotional state and the transformation she observes.
Synonyms:
Forlorn, Synonym: Desolate
Intricate, Synonym: Complex
Whispered, Synonym: Murmured
Transformation, Synonym: Metamorphosis
Amazement, Synonym: Astonishment
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay skillfully navigates the emotional landscape of Emily, depicting her transformation in a vivid and engaging manner. The descriptive language used is particularly effective in creating a vivid setting and in conveying Emily’s internal changes. However, there is room to deepen the characterisation and plot development. By integrating more background details about Emily, her connection to the setting, and her past experiences, the narrative could achieve greater depth and emotional resonance. Additionally, a more varied sentence structure and the use of more nuanced vocabulary could further enhance the expressiveness and impact of your writing.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Integrate more background details about Emily to provide depth to her character.
Use a variety of sentence structures to mirror the emotional journey of the character.
Employ more nuanced vocabulary to better convey the subtleties of Emily’s emotions.
Explore unique metaphors or symbols that resonate with Emily’s experiences.
Deepen the characterisation by introducing reflections or subtle interactions related to her past.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten Essay:
Gazing out the window, Emily was awestruck by the scenery unfolding before her. It was a tableau worthy of a gallery, a symphony of interconnectedness starkly contrasting with the solitude that had long governed her existence. Instead of the overwhelming loneliness that had shrouded her thoughts, her mind now danced with visions of nurturing animals and plants in harmonious symbiosis. It was a realm she longed to call her own.
As the car meandered into the driveway of the cottage, its appearance echoed her inner feelings of desolation and neglect. Ever since the demise of her parents in her infancy, Emily had been counting the days until she could claim a place of her own. Observing the cottage, a transformation unfolded before her. The once-perceived cracks in the glass now revealed an intricate web, akin to spidery fingers. The old, variegated bricks metamorphosed into a mosaic tapestry of tiles, and the seemingly invasive vegetation revealed itself as nature’s tender embrace, aiding the cottage in its journey to beauty. The walls, rich with history, murmured their tales to all who lingered close. This, she realised, was what her soul had been seeking.
Amidst the muted tones of life, Frederick stood still as a statue, being the despondent figure he is, a soul etched with the weariness of endless battles fought within his years of age. His eyes, once bright with dreams, now mirrored the overcast skies of his internal world. The lines etched upon his forehead told tales of burdens carried, and the faint tremor in his hands betrayed the weight of unresolved sorrows.
In the solitude of his own company, Frederick moved through the world with a hesitant gait, as if every step required the negotiation of unseen obstacles. His shoulders, once proud and resilient, now stooped under the invisible load of melancholy that draped his spirit. A perpetual mist seemed to envelop him, casting a shadow over the contours of his existence.
Frederick’s once vibrant spirit had become a somber symphony of sighs. The laughter that used to dance freely from his lips had metamorphosed into a quiet echo, a distant memory of mirth. His voice, now a mere whisper, carried the weight of unspoken sorrows that lingered in the spaces between his words.
In the realm of emotions, Frederick’s heart was a forlorn canvas painted with the muted palette of solitude. The vibrancy of joy had faded, leaving behind hues of muted blues and grays. Each beat seemed to echo a melancholic melody, a ballad of longing for the elusive warmth that had slipped through his fingers like grains of sand.
The lines on Frederick’s face told stories of dreams deferred, dreams that had crumbled into the dust of shattered aspirations. His gaze, once filled with hopeful anticipation, had transformed into a distant stare, fixed on a horizon that seemed perpetually out of reach. It was as if he carried the weight of the world within his gaze, the burdens of a thousand unfulfilled wishes reflected in the depths of his eyes.
Yet, amidst the desolation, there was an undeniable elegance to Frederick’s despondency. His sorrow, though heavy, bore the marks of resilience. In the depths of his forlorn existence, there flickered a fragile flame of endurance. It was the quiet strength that enabled him to navigate the desolate landscapes of his emotions with a quiet dignity, an unspoken acknowledgment of the battles fought and the scars earned.
Frederick’s presence, though marked by despondency, held an enigmatic allure. Those who ventured close enough could sense the profound depth of his sorrow, like the echo of a haunting melody that lingered long after the music had ceased. In the tapestry of his desolation, Frederick emerged not as a defeated soul but as a complex mosaic of human experience, a masterpiece of character forged in the crucible of life’s trials.
For those who dared to peer beyond the surface, Frederick’s despondency became a poignant reminder that even in the darkest corners of the human heart, there exists an enduring beauty, a beauty that arises from the courage to confront one’s own shadows and navigate the labyrinth of desolation with an unwavering spirit.
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative’s plot and structure are commendably well-crafted, with a clear focus on Frederick’s internal struggle. The use of descriptive language effectively sets the mood and tone. For instance, “His eyes, once bright with dreams, now mirrored the overcast skies of his internal world,” poignantly captures Frederick’s transformation. To enhance the plot, consider introducing subtle shifts or developments in Frederick’s journey, perhaps small moments of reflection or interaction that add layers to his character arc.
Body Reactions, Outfits and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
Your descriptions of Frederick’s physical manifestations of his emotions, like “the faint tremor in his hands,” are evocative. However, there’s room to further delve into how his attire or possessions might mirror his state of mind. For instance, describing the wear and texture of his clothes or the absence of once-cherished accessories could deepen the portrayal of his character.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 9/10
You’ve employed a rich tapestry of sensory language, as seen in phrases like “a somber symphony of sighs” and “a forlorn canvas painted with the muted palette of solitude.” These vivid descriptions effectively evoke a strong emotional response. To elevate this further, consider incorporating more varied sensory experiences, perhaps through the use of sounds, smells, or tactile sensations that Frederick encounters in his environment.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10
Frederick is portrayed with depth, reflecting a multi-dimensional character. Your narrative, “Frederick’s once vibrant spirit had become a somber symphony of sighs,” illustrates his complex emotional state. To enhance his multi-dimensionality, introduce contrasting traits or past experiences that reveal different facets of his personality, perhaps showing moments of resilience or remnants of his former self.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative demonstrates strong grammar and syntax. Sentences like “Each beat seemed to echo a melancholic melody,” showcase your command over language structure. To further refine, pay attention to varying sentence lengths and structures for rhythmic variation and to avoid monotony.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary is impressive, effectively conveying the mood and character’s state of mind.
Despondent, Synonym: Downcast
Melancholy, Synonym: Sorrowful
Vibrant, Synonym: Lively
Forlorn, Synonym: Abandoned
Metamorphosed, Synonym: Transformed
In conclusion, your narrative powerfully conveys the profound depth of Frederick’s emotional landscape. Its strength lies in the vivid descriptive language and the poignant portrayal of a deeply troubled character. To further enhance your writing:
Introduce subtle plot developments to add dimension to Frederick’s journey.
Incorporate detailed descriptions of his attire or possessions, linking them to his emotional state.
Expand the range of sensory details to create a more immersive experience.
Include contrasting aspects of Frederick’s character to showcase his complexity.
Experiment with sentence structure for rhythmic variety.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
In the dimly lit corridors of life, Frederick stood motionless, embodying the epitome of desolation. A soul marked by the scars of innumerable internal skirmishes, reflective of his advancing years. His once radiant eyes, brimming with aspirations, now echoed the gloomy heavens of his inner turmoil. The creases on his brow narrated stories of relentless burdens borne, while the subtle quiver of his hands unveiled the magnitude of his unaddressed griefs.
In his solitary existence, Frederick navigated the world with a tentative stride, as though each step was a negotiation with unseen hindrances. His shoulders, which once epitomised strength and resilience, now slumped under the intangible weight of sorrow that cloaked his essence. A constant haze shrouded him, obscuring the details of his being.
The once exuberant essence of Frederick had transformed into a poignant melody of sighs. The laughter that effortlessly escaped his lips had now turned into a faint reverberation, a distant recollection of joy. His voice, reduced to a hushed tone, bore the heaviness of unuttered woes lingering in the silence between his utterances.
In the sphere of emotions, his heart was a desolate canvas, painted with subdued shades of isolation. The brilliance of happiness had dimmed, leaving a spectrum of sombre blues and greys. Each heartbeat resonated with a melancholic tune, a song of yearning for the evasive warmth that had slipped away, akin to sand grains through fingers.
The lines etched on Frederick’s visage spoke of deferred aspirations, dreams that had disintegrated into the remnants of broken ambitions. His gaze, once imbued with hopeful expectation, now fixated on a distant horizon, forever elusive. It seemed as though he bore the world’s weight in his stare, the unfulfilled desires of a thousand dreams reflected in his deep-set eyes.
Yet, within this desolation, Frederick’s sorrow carried an understated grace. His grief, though profound, bore the imprints of endurance. In the abyss of his melancholic existence, a delicate spark of perseverance flickered. This subtle fortitude allowed him to traverse the barren emotional landscapes with quiet dignity, a tacit recognition of the conflicts endured and the scars acquired.
Frederick’s aura, though steeped in sadness, possessed a mysterious charm. Those who approached him could sense the depth of his despair, akin to the residual echo of a haunting melody that persisted long after its cessation. In the mosaic of his desolation, Frederick stood not as a vanquished spirit but as a complex amalgamation of human experiences, a character moulded in the furnace of life’s adversities.
To those who dared look beyond the superficial, Frederick’s melancholy served as a poignant testament that even in the darkest recesses of the human heart, there lies a resilient beauty. This beauty emerges from the courage to face one’s own shadows and navigate the maze of desolation with an unyielding spirit.
Aston Lau – Week 2 homework
The Secluded Man
As a child I always felt away and distant from other children. even my own siblings, my blood. In each discussion I always had different opinions and I was the sore thumb sticking out like a goose in an array of ducks. For this reason most of my childhood was studies, reading and games. Those were the 3 activities that kept me busy for twenty years of my life. The holy trinity I religiously practiced like a nun. I wasn’t just an introvert. I was more somehow. This secluded behavior forced me to forget how to interact with other humans. This includes my own parents. The people who raised me to be like a bird in a cage. Therefore I had to move where there was no human presence. The forest.
I trekked through the mud and foliage rushing to find destiny like a man about to escape a two hundred meter maze. While I trekked I also gathered food and sticks to build a good tent. However that was not needed as I found a small hut that could fit two people. So I put down my bags and lay down on my sleeping bed and immediately fell into a deep sleep. I was like a koala sleeping for most of that day as I was tired. When I woke up I found a care package near my hut. It included three days of food and water, a notebook(which I am writing this on) and a pack of marbles. My senses tell me I am welcome here or this is one really weird forest.
I feel watched among the forest. I check the outside, nothing is there. I am weary, I am scared. When I seem to drift off I get that sensation of uncomfort. I stay up playing with marbles and documenting fear into this book you are reading. I don’t know if I will survive this. I have infinite regrets. Life is shorter than I thought. Oh my god, Oh my god! Then the panic attack was over as I eventually fell asleep. I don’t remember what happened. But I got another package at my hut. Is this a show or something? What happened?
I decided to pack up my belongings and leave. I still don’t know who was giving me those packages. I don’t know what the huts were doing. I don’t know where the forest was but I back tracked my location. The moment of fear I was in was high as a mountain. I regret going on my detour. I could have risked my life. This could have been a kidnapping I just don’t know. Even still to this day I still don’t know about that forest.
Hello!
We have already sent the feedback for your Week 2 writing homework to your Gmail. Please check and let us know if you have received it.
Regards,
Scholarly
Zack He-W2 HW Writing
The Concealed Man
His eyes were sunken with despair and guilt as he sat alone and unattended in the vacant funeral room. He sat desolate as he stared meaninglessly at the lifeless coffin. He was the last person in the cold empty room. His head was overcome with guilt and depression. His bloodshot eyes had black circles surrounding them and you could tell he had cried for hours. He had experienced immense trauma just because of one person. One that has left his life forever. His loved one. All he did was hang out with his so-called friends. How could he know there was going to be a cold-blooded murderer that night? That was the worst night of his life. Not just his life changed that night. His whole personality had shifted too. He went from carless and joyful to dark and serious. He threw away his joyful side of life into the dark, depressed and more sorrowful side of life. Weeks passed but his dreadful memories haunted him. It made him unemployed and drunk for weeks of misery. He knew it would change his life forever. He furiously regretted ever hanging out with his friends in the first place. It cost him everything he had. The dreadful event even changed his whole appearance. His brown neat hair turned into the messiest hair you’ve ever seen. His whole body is like a silhouette of bigfoot. His face kept a depressed mask on it. The haunting event devoured him in fear which made him uncertain of everything in his life. He felt like life never had a meaning at all. He thought he was just one of the pawns of the cruel world. He was forever lost in the deep darkness of his heart.\
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10: Your narrative effectively conveys a sombre and introspective journey, focusing on the protagonist’s struggle with guilt and loss. The unfolding of events from a tragic night to the long-term impact on his life establishes a clear, if somewhat linear, plotline. An example from your narrative, “He had experienced immense trauma just because of one person,” succinctly encapsulates the central conflict. To enhance the structure, consider introducing subplots or secondary characters that could provide contrast or aid in the protagonist’s development, thereby adding layers to the primary storyline.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10: You’ve painted a vivid picture of the protagonist’s physical deterioration, indicative of his internal turmoil. The description, “His whole body is like a silhouette of bigfoot,” vividly conveys his neglect of personal appearance. Expanding on this, you might delve deeper into how his interactions with his environment or objects of personal significance (like clothing or a cherished item) reflect his changing state of mind, offering a richer tapestry of his experience.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10: Your use of sensory details, such as “His bloodshot eyes had black circles surrounding them,” effectively evokes a strong visual and emotional response. To further enrich your narrative, incorporating more varied sensory experiences—like sounds, smells, or tactile sensations—could immerse readers more fully in the protagonist’s world, enhancing the emotional resonance of his journey.
Multi-dimensional Characters – Score: 7/10: The protagonist’s transformation from “careless and joyful to dark and serious” hints at depth, but there’s room to explore his complexity further. Consider exploring his past, his relationships, or internal conflicts in more detail. This could involve flashbacks or insights into his thoughts and feelings before the tragedy, providing a stronger contrast to his present state and a more rounded understanding of his character.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5: Your narrative is largely coherent, with effective use of descriptive language. However, attention to sentence structure and variation could enhance readability and flow. For instance, the phrase “He threw away his joyful side of life into the dark, depressed and more sorrowful side of life,” could be streamlined for impact and clarity.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Desolate, Synonym: Forlorn
Trauma, Synonym: Ordeal
Personality, Synonym: Character
Drunk, Synonym: Inebriated
Regretted, Synonym: Lamented
Your narrative compellingly depicts the profound impact of loss and guilt on an individual. To elevate your writing:
Introduce more complex characters with their own stories or roles in the protagonist’s life.
Employ a wider range of sensory details to bring scenes to life.
Explore the protagonist’s past and personality more deeply to add complexity.
Refine grammar and syntax for smoother flow and readability.
Expand your vocabulary to include more nuanced expressions of emotion and action.
Overall Score: 38/50
Rewritten:
In the shadowed stillness of the funeral chamber, he sat, a figure marred by the weight of despair and remorse. Alone, he faced the silent testament of his sorrow—the coffin that held his once vibrant loved one. The room, cold and deserted, seemed to echo his isolation. Guilt and melancholy had taken root deep within him, manifesting in his haggard appearance; his eyes, red and encircled by darkened halos, spoke of countless tears shed in solitude. A single, harrowing event had shattered his existence, stealing away the person who was the essence of his life. That fateful night, mingling innocently with friends, he could not have anticipated the tragedy that would unfold—a tragedy that would irrevocably alter him. Gone was the light-hearted spirit, replaced by a sombre shadow of his former self. He cast aside the remnants of joy, succumbing instead to a profound grief that reshaped him entirely. As days turned to weeks, the spectre of that night haunted him relentlessly, leading him down a path of desolation, unemployment, and despair.
Regret gnawed at him for the choices that led to this abyss, blaming a simple gathering for the cataclysm that ensued. The event had not only ravaged his soul but also transformed his outward visage. Once orderly and neat, his brown hair now lay unkempt, his stature reminiscent of a forlorn figure lost to wilderness. A perpetual gloom masked his features, a stark testament to the fear and uncertainty that now governed his existence. Life, once full of meaning, seemed to him a void, a cruel jest played at his expense. Lost in the darkness that had engulfed his heart, he wandered, a pawn in the merciless game of fate.
Week 2 Writing Homework SionC
The Forlorn Man
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10: The narrative skilfully intertwines a poignant backstory with the protagonist’s current life, effectively creating a sense of depth and continuity. The transition from past to present, such as the description of his family’s fatal accident and its impact on his current life, is seamlessly integrated. However, further clarity in the sequence of events and a stronger connection between the protagonist’s past and his transformation due to the dog could enhance the narrative. The statement “He would go to the factory every day for his work, to be greeted with joy by his manager” is a good example of integrating backstory with current events, but it can be expanded to show how his work life contrasts with his personal life.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10: The description of the protagonist’s appearance and attire is vivid and contributes significantly to the character’s portrayal. Phrases like “ragged, threadbare clothes” effectively convey his socio-economic status and state of mind. To further enrich this aspect, you could explore how his appearance changes over time, especially after the introduction of the dog, to reflect his evolving mental state. This would add depth to the narrative and provide a visual representation of his internal changes.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10: The use of vivid and sensory language, such as “flooding with filth and grime” and “torrential rain that obscured their way,” effectively paints a vivid picture of the scenes and emotions. To further enhance this, consider including more sensory details related to sound, taste, or smell, which can provide a more immersive experience for the reader.
Multi-dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10: The protagonist is portrayed with depth, highlighting his struggles and gradual transformation. The description of his relationship with the dog, “his love has intertwined with the dog,” shows a significant character development. To enhance this, you might consider adding more interactions with other characters in the colony, providing insight into how they perceive his changes, thereby adding more layers to his character.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5: The narrative is generally well-structured with good grammar usage. However, attention to sentence variety and complexity could improve the readability. For instance, shorter, more impactful sentences could be used to punctuate key moments in the story, such as “His past a tumultuous hurricane of melancholy.”
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Enspelled, Synonym: Bewitched
Macabre, Synonym: Gruesome
Tumultuous, Synonym: Turbulent
Exuberant, Synonym: Ebullient
Manoeuvring, Synonym: Navigating
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative successfully creates an emotionally resonant story, rich in detail and character development. The vivid descriptions and deep exploration of the protagonist’s psyche are particularly commendable. To further refine your writing:
Focus on creating a clearer timeline and connections between past events and their impact on the protagonist’s present life.
Explore the protagonist’s changing appearance in parallel with his emotional journey.
Incorporate a wider range of sensory details to enhance the immersive quality of your writing.
Introduce more interactions with secondary characters to add depth and perspective to the protagonist’s transformation.
Utilise a variety of sentence structures to enhance the rhythm and flow of the narrative.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
His face, sombre and listless, remained hidden from the sun’s brilliant glare, a veil over his profound anguish. Clad in tattered garments, they provided a semblance of warmth amidst their sullied state. Depression and despair cast a shadow over his countenance, mirroring the tempestuous battle within of anger, sorrow, and yearning for a relentless past. In his community, he was an enigma; a gloomy figure feared by children, a loitering outcast numbing his existence with drink, secluded in his squalid dwelling.
Daily, he ventured to the factory, his sanctuary, where his supervisor’s radiant welcome shone like a dazzling diamond among envious peers. His dedication was unwavering, the factory becoming his place of solace, where he laboured fervently as if in sacred prayer, seeking reprieve from his ceaseless melancholy and haunting past.
His history was a whirlwind of sadness. His sister, radiant with boundless joy, her eyes outshining the sun. His parents, stern yet loving. A fateful trip loomed, leaving him behind, his family promising ice cream upon their return. That farewell gaze was their last; a tragic accident amidst a deluge snatched them away.
His life, steeped in sorrow, was intermittently pierced by the stings of nostalgic tsunamis and the relentless pull of desolation. Yet, amidst this, a glimmer of hope emerged. A stray dog, injured in an accident, found solace in his care. Reluctantly, he embraced its presence, their bond strengthening over time. His advocacy for the dog in the community hinted at his emerging transformation. Many now speculate on his ascent from the abyss of despair. The dog, now a beacon of love and connection, donned a collar inscribed with ‘Charlie,’ symbolising their unbreakable bond.
W2 Writing Homework from Isabella Wang
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i2172pnEQHsbfB6KEhkzr-7f43ogtIbQQLn0_FPIYdA/edit?usp=sharing
Week 2 Writing Homework – I tried submitting but it did not work before
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i2172pnEQHsbfB6KEhkzr-7f43ogtIbQQLn0_FPIYdA/edit?usp=sharing
– Isabella Wang
WEEK 2 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 7/10
Your narrative starts with a compelling setting that immediately draws the reader into the story. The description of the old house and its surroundings sets a vivid stage for Abigail’s journey. However, the transition from the mysterious, possibly haunted house to an Age Care home feels abrupt. The shift could be smoothed out by providing more hints early on that the eerie description is a metaphor for Abigail’s apprehension about entering a new phase in life. For instance, “The old house loomed at the end of the dirt road” beautifully sets the scene but might segue more clearly into Abigail’s personal fears and expectations about ageing and moving into a care home.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
You have successfully painted a picture of Abigail through descriptions of her body language and attire. The tailored sweater coat with colourful patterns “fading with its age” is a particularly strong metaphor for Abigail herself. To enhance this aspect, consider diving deeper into how these physical descriptions reflect her inner state. For example, “Her eyes were fixed on the house with a fierce intensity” could be expanded to reveal more about her emotions and thoughts in that moment, connecting her outward appearance more intimately with her internal struggles.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory details, such as the “scent of decay” and the warm glow of the sun, effectively immerses the reader in Abigail’s world. To further enrich your narrative, incorporate more varied sensory experiences that reflect Abigail’s internal journey. Mention of “the air was thick with the scent of decay” could be balanced with descriptions of comforting smells or sounds within the Age Care home, creating a more nuanced portrayal of her new environment.
Multi-Dimensional Characters – Score: 8/10
Abigail is a character with depth, hinted at through her interactions with her new environment and the detailed descriptions of her appearance and reactions. To enhance the multi-dimensionality of your characters, include more about their backgrounds, desires, and fears. For example, while Abigail’s gaze falling to the ground indicates her sorrow, expanding on her thoughts or conversations with others in the Age Care home could provide deeper insights into her character.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your writing demonstrates a strong grasp of grammar and syntax, with fluid sentence structures that convey the narrative effectively. However, attention to punctuation, especially in complex sentences, could improve clarity. For example, “She opened the door to the Age Care home, her hands fidgeted with the creases on her dress” could be refined to ensure that action descriptions follow the subject more directly, enhancing readability.
Vocabulary – Score: 5/5
Decay, Synonym: Deterioration
Fierce, Synonym: Intense
Gyre, Synonym: Spiral
Sorrowful, Synonym: Melancholic
Wrinkling, Synonym: Creasing
Your choice of vocabulary is generally strong, effectively evoking a sense of place and character emotion. To elevate your narrative further, consider varying your language to deepen the reader’s engagement and more precisely convey nuances in mood and setting.
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative is imbued with a rich setting and a compelling character journey, engaging the reader from the outset. The vivid descriptions and the metaphorical depth of the setting establish a strong emotional tone. To further refine your narrative, consider smoothing the transition between the metaphorical and literal aspects of the story, deepening the exploration of character through both physical and emotional descriptions, and refining your use of grammar and vocabulary for clarity and impact.
Suggestions for Improvement
Enhance the transition between the metaphorical description of the house and the reality of the Age Care home to improve narrative flow.
Deepen character descriptions by connecting physical reactions more explicitly to internal emotions.
Incorporate a wider range of sensory details to enrich the setting and character experiences.
Expand on the backgrounds and motivations of characters to add depth and relatability.
Pay close attention to punctuation and sentence structure to enhance readability and clarity.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten Narrative
The ancient dwelling stood solemnly at the dirt path’s termination, its windows sealed and its structure bowed by the years. It symbolised a confluence of hidden stories, where echoes of the past mingled with the present’s whispers. Nestled on the forest’s fringe, blanketed in ivy, it held a silent testament to lives once vibrant within its embrace. Abigail, her stature tall and her dark tresses cascading, beheld the edifice with a penetrating gaze, as if unraveling secrets visible only to her.
Approaching the door, its age evident, Abigail’s anticipation was palpable. Her eyes, alive with curiosity, scanned her surroundings, pondering the mysteries veiled behind the timeworn barrier. Her heart mirrored a maelstrom of thoughts, ceaseless and deep.
Crossing the threshold, she encountered not the decay she envisioned but the Age Care home’s welcoming embrace. The transition was a dance of emotions, her face a canvas of conflicting sentiments — joy shadowed by sorrow, hope tinged with uncertainty. The residents, each a story of years gone by, greeted her with smiles that spoke of shared understanding.
Yet, as she navigated this new chapter, her steps weighed down by the gravity of change, Abigail donned a sweater as colourful as her past, its hues dimming yet proud. It symbolised her heritage, a tapestry of family lore awaiting revelation. Alone with her thoughts, she faced the solitude’s reality, wrestling with the spectre of oblivion, each day a step closer to an inevitable farewell.
As dawn’s light bathed the world in warmth, Abigail contemplated her journey, hands that had once nurtured now marked by time’s passage. In this moment of reflection, she faced the twilight of her existence, poised on the cusp of an eternal gathering, where memories and souls intertwine, awaiting the dawn beyond the dusk.
As the wind roared through the trees and the crickets serenaded the night, a gaunt young man lay sprawled across the vast parkland. Clad in tattered garments, his lifeless gaze stared blankly into the void. His hair, matted and unkempt, resembled a bird’s nest, but it was his skin that bore the cruellest marks of his plight – maggots writhed on his pallid face. Despair clung to him like a second skin, its weight evidently in every shallow breath.
Lost in reverie, he watched a group of children frolicking in the snow, their laughter contrasting sharply with his silent grimace. As they revealed in the icy embrace, joyfully lobbing snowballs, his envy simmered. To him, the snow was a hindrance on his work-bound journeys, the mist from his breath a bitter reminder of the harsh climate.
This figure meandered through the gritty, dimly-lit streets, weighed down my insecurity. His hands, wracked with pain, clung to his weak leg. His crutches, gripped by calloused, raw hands, bore the brunt of his weight, seeming as though they were his lifeline. His twisted ankle, wrapped in bandages and make shift cardboard splints, hung uselessly, bearing the scars of a harsh day’s rain.
I the vast expanse of desolation, a lone figure emerged, his silhouette barely discernible against the dimming sunset. His eyes, dulled mirrors, reflected a landscape marred by sorrow, capturing its fleeting beauty.
As twilight cast long shadows over his lonely path, he persevered, each step a defiance of sorrow’s tyranny. In his life’s symphony, he played his emotions’ haunting melody, a composition resonating through time. His sadness, a bittersweet sonata, spoke to those listening, reminding us that even in darkness, the human spirit endures, resilient strokes on despair’s canvas.