Scholarship W3 Writing
- January 15, 2024
- 2:29 pm
- 72 Comments
Write narratives for each of them and apply the characterisation formula outlined in last week’s slides
- A soldier must decide between risking his life to save his best friend or staying put and saving himself.
- A young girl must choose between following her parents’ dreams for her or pursuing her own dreams
- A scientist must choose between using his new invention to help the world or using it to create wealth and power.
Interview Questions
Write out the questions and record 2 minutes voice recording for each and send it to Steve
- What makes you special for this scholarship?
- What is your favourite sport and why?
- At home what are you currently reading?
- Someone you admire/role model and why?
72 thoughts on “Scholarship W3 Writing”
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AFwDguYBXzA7Kz8cAfV1D74bYsXTGeA15hOeT5dKuhU/edit
It’s for all the writing hw
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
OLIVER-YAN
Vihaan Kholkute. Year 6. Week 3 (zoom class). Writing homework.
A young girl must choose between following her parents’ dreams for her or pursuing her own dreams
Emily cajoled her fingers as she stroked the strings on her violin, forming a mournful melody, reflecting the tempestuous battle pounding in her heart. Her clothes, faded and worn, hung over slender shoulders like rags adorning her chest. Barefoot, her feet were like a wounded sky, like a storm maliciously crackling, on the brink of unleashing a thunderous roar. Shrivelled like a bone, she was ambling around with her violin in her arm, her growling stomach simply begging for the mournful tune to stop. Emily’s eyes, young yet crinkled with neglect, raged with a fiery red, as her soul interrupted her heart’s battle, darting around the ramparts. Her mother, Theresa, gaped at her, her eyes tinged with regret. Unperturbed by her mother’s watchful gaze, Emily played louder, her fingers shaking with rebellion, attempting to wash off her mother with a musical flood. “It’s time for school,” Theresa called out, her voice mutedly screaming with irritation. Emily groaned. A silent symphony of sorrow played in her heart. Due to her poverty, school was a conduit for pain. She loathed every single one of her classmates. A tempest raged in her soul, a fiery swirling vortex tearing through calm waters like a tiger’s claws searing through her eyes.
As Emily entered the living space, she avoided the vigilant eyes of her father, Jack. A musty aroma aroused around him, as he gazed at everyone through his crescent moon spectacles. His coat was embellished with coffee stains, a relic of his cracked red eyes. Emily had worked so hard on violin, yet her parents were pressing on her to become a doctor, to suit the family needs. Despite this, Emily refused to let her poverty become a hurdle on her path for violin. Emily’s brother, Bob, shuffled into the room, like a walking bone. As thin as a stick, he groaned desperately like a dying animal. Wincing, Theresa merely absorbed his tumultuous waves of fatigue like a sponge. Worried for her brother, Emily ran past the family chaos and to the mail. As soon as she saw what awaited her, her eyes widened like orbs of euphoria. Upsetting thoughts washed away like dirt. Her elation unfurled within her like a blossoming flower in the first light of dawn. The sensation, akin to catching a gust of wind beneath vibrant sails, lifted her spirits to celestial heights. The happiness, pounding with sunlit hues, painted her canvas of emotions with pure radiant bliss. At that moment, Emily stood as a poet entranced by the verses of her own heart. She screamed with joy, her echoes rumbling through her body like an avalanche of overwhelming joy. Emily had finally received a musical scholarship into the most prestigious musical conservatory in the country, working alongside the revered musician, Maestro Constantine. Everything she had done for the scholarship was worth it. Before waiting for her parents to interrupt her escalating joy, she rushed to school, her exuberance surging through her veins like adrenaline.
As Emily arrived home, she attempted not to convey her happiness. Behind her ordinary facade, an avalanche of euphoria erupted. Bursting into the room, she expected to meet the greeting faces of her parents. Instead, a solemn glare awaited. Her grin transformed into a dubious frown. Glancing around, she realised her brother was lying on the bed, helpless. His hair, muffled by a ragged pillow, had become unruly. Theresa weeped beside his bed, while Jack gazed at Bob with grave silence. “What happened?” Emily murmured, her brows knitting together with worry. Jack cocked his head to the side, gazing at her blankly. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, Theresa whispered, “Your brother has got cancer. And we don’t have any money to save him.” Realisation hit Emily like lightning crashing down in a tropical rainstorm. “You have to become a doctor. You have to lift us from the shackles of poverty.” Her father pleaded silently, yet speaking with an unmeasurable burden. Lost in the thoughts of hesitation, Emily shuffled through her mind. A battle between her soul and her mind raged, while her heart darted through the battlefield, trying yet failing miserably to compensate both sides. Emily’s dreams settled over her like a heavy quilt, wrapping her in the weariness of a long journey. It was as if a cold hand had clasped around her heart, tightening with each beat. The air around her grew heavy with determination, as Theresa and Jack stared at each other, each expecting an answer. At that moment, Emily stood like a battered soldier, lost in a self conflict, afraid of going mad. Emily was forced to choose between pursuing her own dreams, or saving her brother, but losing her chance to do so. At that moment, she made her decision. Torn between a self conflict, she chose the path of a healer. Everything she had worked for was for nothing Weeping endlessly, her dream crushed, revealing only the carved path that lay ahead of her.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure
Score: 9/10
Your narrative adeptly constructs a poignant tale, weaving Emily’s passion for the violin with the stark realities of her family’s struggles. The plot unfolds with a clear trajectory, leading from personal ambition to familial sacrifice. The moment when “Emily had finally received a musical scholarship into the most prestigious musical conservatory in the country” serves as a significant turning point, encapsulating her aspirations and the subsequent twist of fate. To enhance the plot’s depth, consider introducing subplots or secondary characters that could further challenge Emily’s decisions, adding complexity to her journey.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description
Score: 8/10
Descriptions such as “Her clothes, faded and worn, hung over slender shoulders like rags adorning her chest” vividly portray the characters’ physical state and emotional backdrop. To enrich these descriptions, delve deeper into the symbolism of clothing and physical appearance, reflecting the characters’ internal changes or societal status. For instance, contrasting Emily’s worn-out attire with her rich, emotional world could add layers to her character.
Vivid and Sensory Language
Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory language, like “a storm maliciously crackling,” effectively conjures vivid imagery and emotional resonance. Expanding this approach by incorporating more varied sensory experiences—such as tactile sensations, tastes, and smells—could further immerse readers in the narrative’s atmosphere. For example, describing the feel of the violin’s wood under Emily’s fingers or the scent of the room during tense moments would provide a fuller sensory experience.
Character Development and Emotional Impact
Score: 8/10
The emotional journey of Emily, marked by “her eyes widened like orbs of euphoria,” showcases significant character development and the narrative’s emotional depth. To amplify this impact, deeper exploration of other characters’ internal landscapes and motivations, particularly Emily’s family members, would offer a more rounded perspective on the collective and individual challenges they face.
Grammar and Syntax
Score: 4/5
Your command of grammar and syntax supports the narrative flow, yet there are moments where simpler sentences could be combined or varied to enhance readability and rhythm. For instance, in “Emily groaned. A silent symphony of sorrow played in her heart,” combining these sentences could smooth the narrative’s pace and deepen the emotional nuance.
Vocabulary
Score: 4/5
Your vocabulary is rich and evocative, with words like “tempestuous” and “euphoria” adding to the narrative’s emotional landscape. To further refine your linguistic choices:
Tempestuous, Synonym: Turbulent
Euphoria, Synonym: Bliss
Ramparts, Synonym: Battlements
Unperturbed, Synonym: Unfazed
Avalanche, Synonym: Deluge
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative compellingly merges Emily’s individual aspirations with her family’s tribulations, crafting a story that is both intimate and expansive. The emotional depth and vivid imagery stand out, creating a memorable reading experience. However, there’s room to enhance the complexity of the plot and character dynamics, which would add further layers to the story. Incorporating more nuanced descriptions of settings and characters, along with a richer array of sensory details, can elevate the narrative’s impact. Exploring the motivations and backgrounds of secondary characters could also offer additional depth and perspective.
To improve your writing:
Integrate subplots or secondary challenges to add complexity.
Employ more varied sensory details to enrich the narrative atmosphere.
Deepen the exploration of secondary characters’ internal landscapes.
Refine sentence structure for enhanced rhythm and readability.
Expand your vocabulary to include more nuanced and precise language.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten
Emily’s fingers danced with a desperate grace across her violin’s strings, weaving a melody as mournful as the storm of conflict within her heart. Her attire, threadbare and faded, draped over her frame, more a testament to endurance than to fashion. With bare feet, calloused and cold, she paced—their appearance as tumultuous as a sky threatening storm. Her frame, slender to the point of fragility, carried not just the instrument but the weight of a growling hunger, yearning for silence from the sorrowful tune.
Her gaze, imbued with a youthful fire yet lined with the marks of hardship, blazed with a silent rebellion. Her mother, Theresa, watched, her eyes a mix of regret and concern. Emily, undeterred by the scrutiny, played with a fervor, her melody a defiance. “It’s time for school,” Theresa’s voice broke through, tinged with an irritation that belied deeper fears. School, to Emily, was another battleground, marked by isolation rather than camaraderie.
Avoiding her father Jack’s weary gaze, she navigated the cramped spaces of their home, each corner steeped in the scent of struggle. Her brother Bob, a shadow of his former self, moved with an agonizing slowness, a visual echo of the family’s weariness. Yet, amidst the desolation, a spark of hope flickered—a scholarship offer from a prestigious conservatory, promising an escape, a future.
The joy of her acceptance was a beacon in the gloom, yet it was swiftly overshadowed by a harsher reality. Her brother’s illness, a silent thief, had struck, leaving the family at a crossroads. Faced with an impossible choice—her dreams or her brother’s life—Emily’s resolve was tested. The weight of sacrifice bore down, a decision made under the heavy gaze of necessity.
Choosing the path of a healer over her own dreams, Emily embraced a future fraught with challenge but illuminated by a sliver of hope. Her decision, borne of love and duty, marked the beginning of a journey not just towards saving a life but in discovering the true depth of sacrifice and resilience. Her story, a testament to the strength found in the face of adversity, continues to resonate, a melody of sorrow and hope intertwined.
Hello, this is my Week 3 Year 6 writing homework.
(I couldn’t use Word Hippo because I didn’t have internet…)
Week 3 Year 6 Writing Homework
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
1ST TOPIC
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative possesses a compelling and engaging plot, unveiling the deep bond between Seargent Thomas Thompson and Captain Jamie Johnson amidst a backdrop of conflict and camaraderie. The sudden transition from a cheerful evening to a life-threatening crisis creates a gripping and dynamic storyline. However, the narrative might benefit from a more nuanced build-up to the climax, offering hints or foreshadowing to enrich the suspense. For example, the abrupt appearance of the enemy and the subsequent attack on Captain Johnson could be preceded by subtle clues that heighten the sense of impending doom.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
You’ve vividly described the dire situation faced by the characters, particularly the moment when “Vermillion blood was seeping out from his throat.” This effectively conveys the gravity of Captain Johnson’s injury. To further enhance your narrative, consider incorporating more detailed descriptions of the characters’ physical reactions, outfits, and accessories throughout the story. These elements can add depth and realism, making the scenes more immersive. Describing the soldiers’ gear, the weight of their equipment, or the strain in their expressions could provide a stronger sense of presence and urgency.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
The use of sensory details, such as “a deafening shriek resonated through the walls,” significantly contributes to the atmosphere and immersion of your story. To elevate your narrative further, incorporate a wider range of sensory experiences. Describing the chill of the night air, the rough texture of the garrison walls, or the metallic scent of blood could enhance the reader’s connection to the environment and the characters’ experiences.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
Your story effectively portrays the evolution of Seargent Thompson’s internal conflict and the profound bond between him and Captain Johnson. The emotional depth is palpable, especially in moments of decision and sacrifice. To deepen the character development, consider exploring their backgrounds and personalities more thoroughly. Showing how past experiences influence their actions and decisions can add layers to their characters, making their journey more impactful.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative is generally well-written, with a clear structure and coherent sentences. However, attention to grammar and syntax can further refine the text. For instance, maintaining consistent tense and ensuring subject-verb agreement can enhance readability. “Seargent Thompson scrambled across his room” could be more fluidly integrated into the narrative flow with slight adjustments to tense consistency.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Vermillion, Synonym: Scarlet
Scrambled, Synonym: Hastened
Gripped, Synonym: Clasped
Aggravated, Synonym: Worsened
Camouflaged, Synonym: Disguised
Your choice of vocabulary contributes to the vividness of the narrative, yet there’s room to incorporate a broader range of words to convey nuances more precisely. Expanding your lexical selection can add texture and specificity to your descriptions, making the scenes and emotions more relatable.
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative showcases a poignant tale of friendship, duty, and sacrifice, engaging the reader with its emotional depth and vivid imagery. The bond between Thompson and Johnson is a testament to the human spirit’s resilience in the face of adversity. To elevate your writing further:
Introduce subtle foreshadowing to build suspense and anticipation.
Include more detailed descriptions of characters’ physical reactions, outfits, and the setting to enhance immersion.
Employ a broader sensory palette to make the environment and experiences more tangible.
Delve deeper into character backstories and motivations for richer emotional resonance.
Pay careful attention to grammar and syntax for smoother readability.
With these adjustments, your narrative has the potential to become even more engaging and impactful, drawing readers deeper into the world you’ve created.
Overall Score: 40
Rewritten
Sergeant Thomas Thompson, a steadfast and committed soldier, served valiantly alongside the United States Army and his comrade, Captain Jamie Johnson. Since their days in boot camp, they had been inseparable, facing each challenge together with unwavering support. One evening, after a convivial gathering with visiting allies, an eerie sensation crept over Thompson—a feeling of being watched by an unseen observer, a malevolent presence lurking in the shadows.
Captain Johnson, sensing the danger, leapt into action, meticulously inspecting their stronghold for any anomalies. Their sanctuary, a fortress of strength and security, was suddenly pierced by a chilling scream, shattering the night’s calm.
Thompson, heart pounding, dashed to the watchtower, fearing for their safety. Upon his return, a scene of horror awaited him: Captain Johnson, impaled by a sword, struggled for life, his breaths growing increasingly labored. In desperation, Thompson removed the blade, his hands trembling as he realized the gravity of his friend’s wounds.
Amidst the chaos, Thompson spotted their camouflaged assailants, fleeting shadows that vanished as quickly as they appeared. Faced with a harrowing choice—save himself or risk everything for his friend—Thompson’s resolve was tested. The weight of his family’s future against the bond of brotherhood that he and Johnson shared.
Choosing friendship over fear, Thompson attempted a daring rescue, only to be met with tragedy. An enemy’s bullet found him, and as he fell, he heard the mocking laughter of their foes, a cruel symphony to the end of their story.
“Goodbye, world,” he whispered, his vision fading, the bond with his friend unbroken even in death.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
SECOND TOPIC
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10:
Your narrative adeptly weaves a compelling tale that juxtaposes personal dreams against familial obligations. The plot is richly developed, presenting a classic conflict that engages readers and invites them to empathize with Charlotte’s dilemma. The phrase “She faced a treacherous and tumultuous decision” encapsulates the crux of the narrative effectively, highlighting the protagonist’s internal struggle. To further enrich the structure, consider adding more subplots or characters that could provide additional dimensions to Charlotte’s journey, such as mentors or rivals in both the music and law fields. This could introduce new challenges or support systems for Charlotte, deepening the plot’s complexity.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10:
The narrative lightly touches upon Charlotte’s connection to her violin, treating it as a token of her grandmother’s support. However, the descriptions of physical reactions, outfits, and accessories are sparse. Expanding on these elements can enhance the reader’s immersion. For instance, detailing the emotions that ripple through Charlotte as she plays her violin, or describing the attire she dons during a pivotal performance, could vividly bring to life her passion for music. These descriptions could serve as a visual metaphor for her internal conflict, reflecting her torn loyalties between her family’s expectations and her own aspirations.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 7/10:
Your use of sensory language, particularly in passages like “wearing a crown of melodies and notes,” vividly evokes the ethereal quality of music and its profound impact on Charlotte. To elevate your narrative further, infuse more sensory details throughout the story. Describing the textures, sounds, and colours encountered by Charlotte in her musical and legal journeys can create a more immersive experience. For example, contrasting the cold, austere halls of a law firm with the warm, resonant wood of her violin could symbolize the stark differences between her possible futures.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10:
Charlotte is a well-crafted character whose dreams and dilemmas resonate with the reader, creating a strong emotional impact. The sentence “She knew her parents would be happy, and she did not want to disappoint them or hurt them, but she was reluctant and hesitant” effectively conveys her internal conflict. To deepen character development, consider exploring the motivations and backgrounds of secondary characters, such as her parents and brother. Understanding their perspectives can add layers to the narrative, making the emotional landscape more complex and compelling.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5:
Your narrative demonstrates a good command of grammar and syntax, ensuring clarity and readability. The sentence structure varies, contributing to a dynamic flow. However, to further refine your writing, pay attention to the consistency of tense and the use of more complex sentence structures that can add depth and nuance to your descriptions.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5:
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys the narrative’s themes and emotions. However, expanding your lexical range could enhance the expressiveness and precision of your writing.
Prodigious, Synonym: Extraordinary
Tantalising, Synonym: Enticing
Treacherous, Synonym: Perilous
Tumultuous, Synonym: Turbulent
Ecstatic, Synonym: Elated
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative compellingly explores the tension between personal ambition and familial duty, offering readers a thought-provoking journey. The emotional depth and character development are particularly strong, drawing readers into Charlotte’s world. To elevate your narrative further:
Incorporate more detailed descriptions of body reactions, outfits, and accessories to enhance visual imagery.
Utilise vivid and sensory language throughout to deepen reader immersion.
Explore the motivations and backgrounds of secondary characters to add complexity.
Refine grammar and syntax for consistency and complexity.
Expand your vocabulary to enrich narrative expressiveness.
Encouragingly, your story holds great potential. By focusing on these areas, you can create an even more captivating and immersive reading experience. Remember, the beauty of writing lies in revisiting and refining your craft. Keep exploring the depth of your characters and the richness of your worlds.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
Charlotte stood as a paragon of virtuosity within the realm of violinists, her instrument cradled not merely as an extension of her being but as the very essence of her soul. Each day, she engaged in her practice with unparalleled zeal, earning her the moniker of music’s sovereign at her school, adorned metaphorically with a diadem woven from melodies and harmonies. Her innate talent for the violin was unmatched, allowing her to refine every note and chord to perfection. She harboured aspirations of sharing her musical legacy with the globe, to inspire and be inspired.
Her pride in her passion was profound; music was her undeniable vocation. She dreamt of gracing the stage of a grand symphony orchestra, enchanting concert hall attendees, or crafting her own album. Visions of globetrotting, mingling with esteemed artists, and absorbing new knowledge fueled her desires for happiness and fulfilment.
Contrarily, her parents envisioned a future for her steeped in the family’s legal dynasty, a legacy bequeathed by her grandmother, a titan in the legal arena who had pursued her own dreams with unmatched success. Despite this, her grandmother had been a staunch supporter of Charlotte’s musical aspirations, gifting her a costly violin as a testament to her encouragement and affection. Yet, her parents persisted, viewing music as a mere pastime and urging Charlotte to embrace a future in law for stability and prestige.
As Charlotte’s high school years waned, she stood at a crossroads, torn between a scholarship to a prestigious law school and admission to a conservatory that promised to fulfil her musical dreams. Despite the allure of pursuing her passion, familial obligations weighed heavily on her heart.
Her narrative took a heart-wrenching turn when her younger brother’s health faltered, necessitating her presence in the family business to shoulder the financial burdens of his care. To her dismay, she discovered her parents had invested their savings into her legal future, leaving her musical ambitions financially untenable.
Caught in a vortex of duty, dreams, and despair, Charlotte grappled with the monumental decision before her. How would she navigate the tumult of her obligations and desires? The quest for her true voice amidst the cacophony of expectations and dreams presents a saga of resilience, love, and the pursuit of one’s true calling.
In the war between Russia and the US, Sergeant Bob Jones had teamed up with the US forces to stop Russia from invading. With his best friend, Soldier Harry Pointer they worked their way through tough spots in the war. Time after time, Bob and Harry proved their loyalty to the US army after several occasions. With the end of the war coming close, the US army noticed that the Russian defences always knew where their surprise attacks were. There must be a spy amidst them, it must be a soldier, or so everyone thought. For so long people were accusing Harry of being a spy for the Russians. But even with Bob trying to persuade everyone that Harry was not a spy people would just raise their eyebrows in suspicion thinking that Bob was also a spy. The general however, proved that Bob was not a spy with his loyalty and honour that he had served the general for many years but still the general would accuse Harry because he was from Russia. Bob had his mouth gaping at what the general had said, he tried to say something but nothing came out. Was it only Bob who knew Harry was innocent? Just because Harry is from Russia does not mean that he is a spy. Harry had to be alone for some time without His best friend Bob. The feeling Bob would have every time could walk past his best friend but not be able to talk to him was dreadful. One day, Bob decided to go to the general’s office to see if he could persuade him to think that Harry isn’t a spy. When he arrived though, Bob heard the general talking to the Russians! Bob told everyone and the news spread quickly. People started to go to the general’s office when bombs started raining down on them! Then the general took his gun out and aimed it at Harry. Bob tried to save him but Harry said no. If Bob died just for one person, everyone would have no leader! Bob had tears trickle down his cheek, knowing if he stayed alive the country would have a fighting chance. Bob still wanted to save his best friend but he knew he couldn’t save him unless he sacrificed him self. Bob turned away for one second to hear a gunshot, and his friends demise. Bob, sad that his best friend was gone, he turned to the battle field and fought. A while after, Bob visited his best friend’s grave. Bob whispers to the grave, ” Your sacrifice will not be in vain, you made me take the right choice and we won, you saved the country my dear friend ” After that there was a national day called “Pointer’s Day,” celebrating Harry Pointer’s heroic acts. People from all over the US celebrate this day as a reminder of the people who saved the US from the Russians invading their land. Russia never sought another war with the US. All was well for Bob Jones, General of the US army.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score out of 10: 8/10
Your narrative presents an engaging storyline that captivates the reader with its dramatic turns and themes of loyalty, betrayal, and sacrifice. The progression from suspicion to revelation and ultimately to tragedy is well-structured, offering a complete story arc. However, the plot could benefit from clearer transitions and a more developed build-up to its climax to enhance the flow and depth of the story. For instance, the sudden shift to the general’s betrayal feels abrupt without sufficient foreshadowing, which could be addressed by weaving in subtle hints earlier in the narrative.
Body Reactions, Outfits and Accessories Description – Score out of 10: 8/10
You’ve made an effort to convey the emotions of your characters through their actions and reactions, such as Bob’s tears and the general’s aggressive posture. However, there’s a missed opportunity to enrich the narrative by describing the characters’ physical appearances, outfits, and surroundings in greater detail. Providing more specific descriptions can create a more immersive experience for the reader. For example, detailing the military uniforms, the weight of their equipment, or the exhaustion etched on their faces would add depth to the characters and setting.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score out of 10: 7.5/10
Your use of language succeeds in conveying the emotional intensity of certain moments, such as Bob’s grief at his friend’s grave. Yet, the narrative would benefit greatly from more vivid and sensory details throughout the story. Describing the sounds of the battlefield, the chaos of the surprise attack, or the tension in the air during the confrontation with the general could enhance the reader’s immersion.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score out of 10: 8/10
The relationship between Bob and Harry is the emotional core of your story, effectively highlighting themes of friendship, loyalty, and sacrifice. However, further development of secondary characters, especially the antagonist, could strengthen the narrative. Providing more background on the characters’ motivations and emotions would create a richer, more complex world. Additionally, exploring the psychological impact of the war on Bob and Harry could deepen the story’s emotional resonance.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4/5
Overall, your narrative is well-written with a clear structure and minimal grammatical errors. To further refine your writing, consider varying sentence structures to enhance rhythm and flow. For instance, mixing complex and compound sentences could improve readability and add a dynamic quality to the narrative.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4/5
Your vocabulary is appropriate for the narrative, conveying the story’s themes and emotions effectively. To elevate your writing, consider incorporating more nuanced and specific terms that reflect the military context and the characters’ emotional states.
Loyalty, Synonym: Allegiance
Betrayal, Synonym: Treachery
Sacrifice, Synonym: Martyrdom
Suspicion, Synonym: Mistrust
Heroic, Synonym: Gallant
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative captivates with its exploration of loyalty, betrayal, and the sacrifices made in the face of war. To elevate your writing, focus on developing a more nuanced plot with clearer transitions and foreshadowing. Expanding on character descriptions and incorporating more sensory details will create a richer, more immersive experience. Enhancing character development, particularly for secondary characters, will add depth to your story. Paying attention to varied sentence structures and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary will also refine your narrative style. Keep exploring the emotional landscapes of your characters to deepen the narrative’s impact.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Integrate subtle foreshadowing to prepare readers for key plot twists, enhancing the story’s coherence and depth.
Describe characters’ physical appearances, outfits, and settings in greater detail to build a vivid and immersive world.
Use more varied sentence structures to improve the rhythm and flow of your narrative.
Expand your vocabulary with specific and nuanced terms relevant to the story’s military context and emotional themes.
Deepen character development for both primary and secondary characters to enrich the narrative and provide a more complex understanding of their motivations and impacts.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
In the throes of a harrowing conflict between Russia and the United States, Sergeant Bob Jones found himself allying with American forces to thwart a Russian incursion. Alongside his closest confidant, Soldier Harry Pointer, Bob navigated the war’s perilous landscapes. Their unwavering dedication to the cause shone brightly on numerous occasions, cementing their stature within the ranks.
As the conflict neared its denouement, a pattern of betrayal emerged. The enemy was inexplicably forewarned of the Americans’ covert operations, hinting at a mole within their midst. Suspicion cast a long shadow over Harry, whose Russian origins fueled baseless accusations of espionage. Despite Bob’s fervent defenses, distrust festered, implicating him by association.
The general, a figure of authority and respect, remained unmoved by Bob’s loyalty, which had been demonstrated through years of service. His prejudice against Harry was unyielding, leaving Bob aghast and speechless. It seemed that only Bob recognized Harry’s innocence; nationality alone was insufficient grounds for such grave allegations.
Isolation enveloped Harry, as Bob could only offer silent solidarity, a gesture marred by the agony of separation. A pivotal moment arrived when Bob, seeking to absolve his friend, overheard the general’s treacherous dialogue with the Russians. The revelation sent shockwaves through the ranks, but as they mobilized towards accountability, devastation struck. Amidst chaos, the general’s betrayal reached its zenith as he targeted Harry.
Bob’s instinct to protect his friend clashed with a harrowing realization: his survival was imperative for leadership. With a heavy heart, he witnessed Harry’s ultimate sacrifice, a moment that would forever haunt him.
In the aftermath, Bob led with renewed determination, honoring Harry’s memory through victory. The nation commemorated Harry’s valor with “Pointer’s Day,” a testament to his indelible legacy. Bob, now a general, reflected on the profound sacrifices made, ensuring their memory would guide future generations. Through adversity, they had safeguarded their nation, forging a peace that would endure.
The Weight of Loyalty
The beauty of the setting sun painted the tranquil ocean with fiery hues. Angry waves crashed onto the golden beach. The ensanguined battlefield was full of diligent soldiers who suffered gruesome deaths. John fought like a outraged dragon fending off any opposing, formidable warriors. On the brutal battlefield, each step resonated mirroring the strength in his heart. Recently, he had become commander of the army but he had to listen to his general. Little did he know that his loyalty and virtue was about to be tested in the middle of the belligerent war…
John is a muscular 25-year-old man who enlisted in the military at the young age of 18. He always had a penchant for helping his country and knew he had to enlist in the army. His best friend Sam, joined with him. For years they served the army and fought in countless wars. They were a dynamic duo, Batman and Robin. Nothing could ever break them apart. But one fateful day was bound to come.
The Tokyo war was a war that required all troops. It decimated over 500,000km2 of land. John and Sam were some of the last units to be transported there. Upon arriving, the battle looked like it was over. Bodies had already started rotting and no Japanese troops were seen. Units were sent out in duos to explore the devastated. John and Sam saw the landscape midnight black so they suspect there was a fire.
After a while, they stumbled upon a lush forest. Puzzlement etched in their faces as it was not burnt. They went on to explore looking for remains or clues of the Japanese. Sam heard a rustling in the bushes. Both were sceptical but Sam took a courageous decision and went to investigate. Gunshots fired and John saw Sam in a helpless state. Begging for John to save him, John was bewildered. He could save his friend or save himself.
There was only one thing to do. John sprinted as fast as a bullet in the bushes and tried to save Sam. He was dodging bullets left and right when he felt one penetrate his leg. In an act of kindness, Sam carried John to the military base and informed Sergeant Greg. They sent a unit to fight them off. While they were healing, they learned that they should always think of others before themselves.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative begins with a compelling introduction, setting a vivid scene of the natural environment juxtaposed against the harsh realities of war. The transition from a serene landscape to the tumultuous battlefield is executed with a keen sense of drama. For example, “The beauty of the setting sun painted the tranquil ocean with fiery hues. Angry waves crashed onto the golden beach.” This sets a strong foundation for the unfolding story. To further enhance the structure, consider introducing foreshadowing elements in the early stages to hint at the challenges and moral dilemmas that John will face, thereby creating a more interconnected and anticipatory narrative flow.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
The description of characters and their physical reactions is succinct, providing a clear picture of their experiences and emotions. For instance, “John fought like an outraged dragon fending off any opposing, formidable warriors.” This vividly captures John’s ferocity in battle. Expanding on the descriptions of characters’ appearances, outfits, and accessories could enrich the narrative. For example, detailing the wear and tear on John’s uniform could symbolize the hardships endured, adding depth to his character.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of vivid and sensory language effectively immerses the reader in the story’s setting and atmosphere. Phrases like “the landscape midnight black” evoke a strong visual image that enhances the narrative’s mood. To further elevate your writing, incorporate more varied sensory details such as sounds, smells, and tactile sensations, especially in the lush forest scene, to fully engage the reader’s senses and deepen the immersion.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 7/10
The development of John and his relationship with Sam provides a solid emotional core to your story. The bond between these characters is palpable, particularly in moments of crisis. “Gunshots fired and John saw Sam in a helpless state.” This moment captures the essence of their friendship and loyalty. To strengthen character development, delve deeper into the characters’ backgrounds and motivations, which will enhance the emotional impact and readers’ investment in their journey.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative demonstrates a good command of grammar and syntax, with sentences flowing well and conveying the intended meaning clearly. To refine your writing, pay attention to varying sentence structure to avoid repetition and maintain reader interest. For instance, employing a mix of short, impactful sentences and longer, descriptive ones can create a dynamic rhythm that enhances the reading experience.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of words is generally strong, contributing to a vivid and engaging narrative. To further enrich your vocabulary:
Enraged, Synonym: Incensed
Formidable, Synonym: Intimidating
Gruesome, Synonym: Ghastly
Penchant, Synonym: Predilection
Dynamic, Synonym: Energetic
Detailed Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative showcases a profound ability to create vivid imagery and develop engaging characters, making for a compelling read. The juxtaposition of serene landscapes with the brutal realities of war is particularly striking, offering a rich backdrop for the unfolding drama. To elevate your writing further, consider incorporating the following suggestions:
Introduce elements of foreshadowing to create suspense and build anticipation.
Expand on descriptions of outfits, accessories, and physical settings to add depth and realism.
Utilise a wider range of sensory details to fully engage the reader’s senses.
Delve deeper into character backgrounds and motivations for more profound emotional impact.
Experiment with sentence structure to enhance the narrative’s rhythm and flow.
Your narrative’s strengths lie in your imaginative storytelling and the vivid worlds you create. By focusing on these areas for improvement, you can elevate your writing to new heights, captivating your readers with even more engaging and immersive stories.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten
The setting sun’s beauty adorned the tranquil ocean with a tapestry of fiery hues. Furious waves assaulted the golden shores, mirroring the tumultuous battlefield where diligent soldiers met their ghastly ends. John, embodying the fury of an incensed dragon, repelled intimidating adversaries. Each step on the blood-stained soil echoed the unwavering strength in his heart. Recently ascended to the role of commander, he remained dutiful to his general, unaware that his loyalty and virtue were on the brink of a harrowing test amidst the war’s chaos.
John, a muscular man of 25, had been driven by a predilection for serving his country since enlisting at 18. His bond with Sam, his best friend who joined him in this endeavour, was unbreakable. Together, they had become an energetic duo, facing the horrors of war with unyielding spirit. However, the Tokyo conflict demanded their all, laying waste to vast lands and leaving a scene of devastation. Arriving late, they found a landscape shrouded in darkness, hinting at a recent inferno, and stumbled upon an untouched forest, a stark contrast to the desolation.
Their exploration was abruptly halted by gunshots, propelling John into a dire choice between camaraderie and survival. Choosing the former, he navigated a hail of bullets to reach Sam, only to be wounded himself. In a twist of fate, Sam’s act of carrying John back to safety underscored the unspoken code of selflessness they both lived by.
Sacrificed and Saved Soldiers
As the scorching, crimson sun torpedoed over the hellacious horizon, the days of conflict had been getting atrocious like a satanic ritual. The ensanguined battlefield was smothered with dead bodies, abandoned guns and rotten, vigorous snacks. It was a battle between two formidable and rivalled territories, USA and Russia. Adam, the gaunt and noble, III commander of USA’s military department was sickened by watching countless of his cherished comrades perish.
Adam had witnessed too much fatality from his friends dying, and melancholically whispered to himself, “Why does this happen to me out of all the soldiers here?” His voice, weathered by despondency, hummed a mournful tune, reminiscing their nostalgic, shared memories. Engulfed in sorrow, he became motionless, his sapphire tears were a waterfall cascading down as they suffocated his shadowed eyes. He thought to himself, “I need to protect my comrades, or they’ll all be murdered.”
Rage pulsed through Adam’s veins. Like a sonic blast, fury roared through his mind, which was a tumultuous storm of courage and determination. Adam peered around the mountainous landscape, scanning for his friends. As his eyes zoomed into a dark ditch below a towering tree, he spotted his companion, Chief Officer of the III department, Harry. They don’t call him Adam the Hawk for no reason. He dashed towards his friends who seemed to be hidden, so Adam didn’t want to give away Harry’s hiding spot. Using his hawk speed, Adam sprinted to his friend, not even a peeking eye spotted him.
After weeks of war, Adam and Harry were finally reunited. But it still isn’t the end of combat and Adam and Harry were exhausted. A tapestry of glimmering stars filled the sky like pale popcorn and formed numerous constellations. In the serenade of the ebony, the stars are a choir; they are lights that sing and dance in infinite patterns. The night was as still and silent as death itself. The two friends had fallen into a deep sleep, flooding vigour through their veins.
When they awoke, they instantaneously regeared and armed up. “Ready?” Asked Harry.
Adam confidently replied, “Yeah, ready to rumble.”
They swiftly exited Harry’s hideout, but coincidentally, Russian warriors were marching adjacent to the hideout’s exit. Utilizing Adam’s own reflexes to good use, Adam hid behind a colossal tree, but Harry wasn’t so fortunate. Harry was sandwiched between the Russian troopers, and the tree Adam was hiding behind. Harry’s blood ran cold, and a tsunami of fear raced across him from head to toe. He attempted to overpower his spine-twisting horror but didn’t know what to do. He was as trapped as a fly in a spiders heyday web. Adam was panic-stricken with indescribable fear. Two thoughts were floating in his mind, should I run, or should I help Harry? “Think, think, think!” Adam shouted silently…
A second before Harry was about to be shot, a thundering whoosh noise quickly drifted across the air. Adam and Harry’s superior boss, Head General of the III department, Max, had grappled in, swooped up Adam and Harry, but was traumatizingly shot in the back whilst saving them. It was very unfortunate, but the sacrifice was for brilliant use, saving two elite soldiers.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative unfolds with a vivid depiction of a war-torn environment, setting the stage for a tale of conflict, camaraderie, and sacrifice. The progression from despair to action is well executed, capturing the essence of a dramatic wartime storyline. For instance, the transition from Adam’s introspection to the climactic rescue by Max showcases a clear narrative arc. However, the story could benefit from a more nuanced build-up to pivotal moments, enhancing the suspense and emotional payoff. Consider introducing foreshadowing elements or deeper conflicts to enrich the plot’s complexity.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
Your descriptions of characters’ physical responses and the environment they inhabit are strikingly vivid. For example, the portrayal of Adam’s tears as “a waterfall cascading down” effectively conveys his profound grief. To further enrich your narrative, delve into the specifics of the characters’ appearances and the significance of their gear, perhaps by detailing the wear and tear on their uniforms as symbols of their resilience and the hardships they’ve endured.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
The sensory language you employ, such as the “scorching, crimson sun” and the “tapestry of glimmering stars,” vividly evokes the setting and atmosphere. This use of descriptive language immerses readers in the scene, creating a palpable sense of place. Expanding on this with more varied sensory details, like the smells of the battlefield or the tactile sensations of the environment, could further enhance the immersion.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
You’ve effectively portrayed Adam’s emotional journey, from despair to determination, illustrating his development amidst the chaos of war. The emotional depth in scenes like Adam’s reflection on his fallen comrades adds a human element to the narrative. To deepen the emotional impact, consider giving more background on Adam and Harry’s relationship, offering insights into their bond that would make their trials and mutual support even more compelling.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative demonstrates a strong command of grammar and syntax, with sentences flowing smoothly and clearly. Minor adjustments to sentence structure for variety and to avoid repetition could further polish your writing. For example, diversifying sentence openings and lengths could enhance the rhythm and readability of your prose.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Enervated, Synonym: Weakened
Ensanguined, Synonym: Bloodied
Vigorous, Synonym: Energetic
Formidable, Synonym: Intimidating
Melancholically, Synonym: Sorrowfully
Your choice of vocabulary is commendable, contributing to the vividness and emotional depth of the narrative. To elevate your language even further, consider incorporating more nuanced terms that reflect the complexity of the characters’ experiences and the environment.
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative is a compelling portrayal of the horrors of war, marked by vivid descriptions and a strong emotional core. The characters’ journey through despair, courage, and sacrifice is engaging and thoughtfully rendered. To enhance your writing:
Introduce more complex plot elements and foreshadowing to build suspense.
Expand on character descriptions and their gear to deepen the reader’s connection.
Incorporate a wider range of sensory details to further immerse the audience.
Provide more background on character relationships to amplify emotional stakes.
Experiment with sentence structure for improved flow and impact.
By focusing on these areas, you can elevate the richness and depth of your storytelling, creating an even more captivating and emotionally resonant narrative.
Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
As the blazing sun descended like a fiery orb over the harrowing horizon, the days steeped in conflict had intensified, mirroring the chaos of a demonic rite. The blood-soaked battlefield lay under a shroud of deceased warriors, forsaken weaponry, and decayed provisions. Amidst this desolation, the forces of the United States and Russia clashed with relentless ferocity. Adam, the III’s department’s lean and distinguished commander, was tormented by the loss of countless comrades.
Haunted by the spectres of mortality, Adam’s heart ached with each memory of fallen friends. His lament, “Why am I spared while others fall?” echoed the solitude of his grief. Tears, blue as the deepest ocean, streamed down his face, a silent testament to his sorrow. Determined, he vowed, “I must shield my brothers-in-arms, lest we all perish.”
Fuelled by a newfound resolve, Adam’s gaze swept the rugged terrain for allies. His keen vision locked onto Harry, concealed in a shadowed trench. Known as ‘Adam the Hawk,’ he moved with unmatched speed, unseen by enemy eyes, to reach his comrade’s side.
After enduring weeks of relentless battle, Adam and Harry found solace under a starlit sky, their spirits bolstered by the celestial spectacle. Yet, the war’s end remained elusive, and the weary soldiers braced for what lay ahead.
“Ready?” Harry inquired, breaking the silence.
With unwavering confidence, Adam responded, “Yes, ready to face whatever comes.”
Their departure from the hideout was met with an unexpected challenge as Russian forces neared. Adam swiftly concealed himself, but Harry found himself ensnared in peril. Faced with a harrowing decision, Adam wrestled with fear and duty.
In the moment of utmost danger, their superior, Max, intervened heroically, ensuring their safety at a grave cost. This act of selflessness underscored the profound sacrifices of war, leaving an indelible mark on both soldiers.
Emily Young’s homework attached.
WK3 – Grade 6 Writing Homework – Emily YOUNG
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jBRnyL9sLaehZFHpo8xeUjbFmd5RWAMrM_a40gPO108/edit
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative unfolds with a strong foundation, introducing First Lieutenant John Knight and Colonel James Brown as seasoned veterans facing their final battle before retirement. The transition from their historical camaraderie to the climactic betrayal is effectively dramatic, ensuring the plot is engaging and full of suspense. However, the storyline might benefit from further exploration of the characters’ backgrounds and motivations, particularly James’s reasons for becoming a spy. This could add depth and complexity to the plot, making the eventual betrayal even more impactful.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
The descriptions of the characters, particularly their physical ailments and reactions to warfare, add a human element to the story. The mention of “failing eyesight” and “crippling arthritis” effectively conveys the toll that a lifetime of military service has taken on them. To enhance these descriptions, consider detailing the soldiers’ attire and equipment, which could serve to immerse readers further into the setting. Describing the wear and tear on their uniforms or the specific models of their rifles could lend authenticity to the narrative.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory details, especially in depicting the battlefield’s chaos, is commendable. Phrases like “bullets and shells were pelting the soft earth” vividly evoke the perilous environment the characters navigate. To elevate your narrative further, incorporate a broader range of sensory experiences, such as the sounds of soldiers’ communication or the tactile sensations of navigating the trenches. This could provide a more immersive reading experience.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
The emotional journey of John Knight, marked by loyalty, betrayal, and sacrifice, is powerfully portrayed. The revelation of James’s treachery and John’s subsequent struggle with his feelings of betrayal create a poignant emotional arc. Enhancing James’s character development with more insights into his actions and motivations could increase the story’s emotional depth, offering readers a more nuanced understanding of the complexities of friendship and loyalty in war.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative is largely well-written, with effective sentence structures that convey the story’s urgency and emotional weight. However, there are occasional lapses in grammar that disrupt the flow. For example, closer attention to verb tense consistency and subject-verb agreement would refine the overall readability. Incorporating varied sentence lengths and structures could also enhance the narrative’s dynamism.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys the story’s tone and setting, though there’s room for diversification. Consider the following synonyms to enrich your narrative:
Hardened, Synonym: Resolute
Horrendous, Synonym: Appalling
Loyalty, Synonym: Allegiance
Betrayal, Synonym: Treachery
Treachery, Synonym: Deception
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative compellingly captures the essence of friendship, loyalty, and the harrowing realities of war. The plot is engaging, and the characters’ emotional journeys are deeply moving. To further enhance your writing, focus on expanding character backstories, especially to clarify motivations and deepen the plot’s complexity. Improving the precision of your grammar and syntax, along with enriching your vocabulary and descriptions, will elevate the narrative’s impact. Consider these suggestions:
Delve deeper into the characters’ pasts to provide a stronger emotional foundation for their actions.
Use more varied sentence structures to enhance the narrative’s rhythm and flow.
Integrate more detailed descriptions of settings and characters to enrich the visual imagery.
Expand the vocabulary to avoid repetition and more precisely convey emotions and settings.
Offer more nuanced portrayals of characters’ internal conflicts to deepen reader engagement and empathy.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
Lieutenant John Knight, a resolute veteran with two decades of military service, has always adhered to the principles of honour and allegiance. His friendship with Colonel James Brown, forged in the crucible of military training, has withstood numerous battles, including the appalling realities of the Second World War. Now at 56, John’s vision is deteriorating, while James suffers from severe arthritis. Both are haunted by the echoes of war, flinching at the slightest loud noise. They face their final confrontation as America verges on conflict with North Korea, calling upon all reserve forces.
On the grim morning of May 12th, 1996, they advanced through the shadowy, muddied trenches, hoping for survival. The battle’s commencement was signalled by a barrage of gunfire and artillery, pelting the barren no-man’s land with lead and shrapnel. Despite John’s disdain for war, his sense of duty and patriotism prevailed.
The crisis unfolded on the fourth day, with a bold charge ordered by the General, expected to decimate the Korean forces. James and John, leading the charge, were separated during the retreat. Discovering James’s dialogue with the enemy, John was engulfed in a storm of betrayal and duty, torn over rescuing his friend or self-preservation. John’s family depended on his modest income, yet his bond with James felt like an extension of his family. Assessing James’s non-lethal wound, John risked a rescue, navigating the perilous no-man’s land to administer first aid. Amidst this turmoil, John was fatally wounded, dying in James’s arms, a testament to their profound bond. His legacy endures, commemorated alongside fallen comrades, leaving behind a bereaved family. Rest in peace, Lieutenant Knight.
Week 3 Writing Homework:
Week 3 Writing Homework
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
TERESA TANG W3 FEEDBACK
my hw pls review
W3-Writing-Harry Wu-Y6
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
HARRY WU FEEDBACK
Vihaan Kholkute.
Year 6. Week 3. (Zoom Class) Writing Homework.
A scientist must choose between using his new invention to help the world or using it to create wealth and power.
“Eureka!” Professor Trey exclaimed. His elation unfurled within him like a garden of roses in the first light of dawn. It was as if a kaleidoscope of butterflies had erupted in his chest, their delicate wings fluttering to the rhythm of unrestrained joy. The sensation, akin to catching a gust of wind beneath vibrant sails, lifted his spirits to celestial heights. His happiness, a symphony of sunlit hues, painted his canvas of emotions with pure radiant bliss. At that moment, the renowned scientist stood like a poet, his arms in the air, entranced by the verses of his own heart. Trey white robes shimmered with euphoria, while his unruly black hair, streaked with comet tails of white, sang to the beat of his soul. Glistening like a serene ocean bathed in sunlight, Adam Trey’s orbs of ecstasy, shone with enthusiasm. Peering at his invention, through his rectangular spectacles, his mind, once enshrouded with confusion, now cleared his thoughts like a sieve. “Nuclear,” Adam whispered at it in wonder. After years of death, pollution, and Climate Change, the world would be safe from the dangers that humanity had posed.
Years of research had finally proven to be useful. Adam was stunned in disbelief. How could he have done it? After Global Warming had oppressed humanity for decades at the end, nuclear resources had disappeared, only a myth of history. And now, when the dust had settled, Adam Trey had discovered the secrets of nuclear energy. He had discovered how to finally develop nuclear energy. The reign of fossil fuel was over.
That night, Adam found himself on the news, his hair neatly combed. Dressed elegantly, he wanted people to think he was not poor. The shackles of poverty had bound him, an obstruction to the entitlement of fame. Adam spoke quickly, his eyes grey with anxiety. Distinction had arrived, but wealth had been stripped away clean from the invention. As he rushed home, fatigue settled over him like the weariness of a long journey. It felt as if he was Atlas, carrying the burden of the world in the tiny formula he carried in the parchment in his hand. The parchment felt rough in his shaking hands, though it was merely a piece of sleek paper. Darting to bed, elation overwhelmed like tumultuous waves. It was a symphony of emotions, hurling toward him like boulders.
Suddenly, his phone rang. It was haunting orchestral music, monotonously playing in Adam’s mind. “Huh,” he murmured. “What a phenomenon.” Picking it up, he realised the voice was metallic and harsh. “Hello, Professor Adam Trey. I am Wat Yan Ig, the dictator of Dystonia, and I have a…request.” Fear enveloped Adam like a fog, timelessly lingering by his side, a chilling spectre that clung onto his heart. It was as if a cold hand had dragged him into an endless pit, like he was falling forever. Wat Yan Ig was the most feared man in the world, a cruel villain that tempted the souls of many into riches. “Give me the formula for your invention.” Raspy and enticing, the voice made Adam hypnotised. “No,” he murmured, silently yet obstinately. Adam knew that Dystonia’s leader had researched nuclear bombs, attracted by their menacing destructive nature. “I can’t.” He thought about the people whose lives were on the brink of extinction. “We will find you then, and hunt down your family.” The moment the dictator said ‘family’, Adam’s mind clicked like a brick. He thought about the poverty that he was in, the illness that his daughter had. “Please, no,” Adam could not resist. Torn between righteousness and greed, he felt like a bloodied soldier, lost and battered. Dystonia would find him, otherwise. “Fine.” Adam agreed reluctantly. As a tear stroked his red cheeks, he realised only one carved path lay ahead of him.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10: Your narrative offers a compelling plot that weaves scientific discovery with personal struggle and external conflict. The journey of Professor Trey, from his groundbreaking invention to the confrontation with a dictator, is intriguing and keeps the reader engaged. One area for enhancement could be to offer more foreshadowing about the potential for external threats, which could heighten the tension and make the arrival of the dictator’s call less abrupt. For instance, earlier hints about the global political climate or Trey’s awareness of potential misuse of his invention could enrich the plot’s depth.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10: You have vividly described Professor Trey’s physical reactions and attire, which successfully paints a picture of his character and the moments he experiences. The description of his “white robes shimmered with euphoria” and “unruly black hair, streaked with comet tails of white” are particularly evocative. To further enhance your descriptions, consider delving into the significance of these choices in attire and appearance. For example, the white robes could symbolize purity or the hope of his discovery, providing a deeper layer to the narrative.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10: Your use of sensory language is remarkable, creating a rich tapestry of images and emotions. Phrases like “a garden of roses in the first light of dawn” and “a kaleidoscope of butterflies” effectively evoke a sense of wonder and joy. To further expand on this, incorporating more varied sensory descriptions, such as tactile or olfactory elements, could provide an even more immersive experience. For instance, describing the cold, mechanical feel of the phone as Trey receives the threatening call could enhance the contrast between his earlier joy and the fear he later faces.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10: The emotional journey of Professor Trey is well-crafted, moving from triumph to fear and conflict. His inner turmoil and the stark choice he faces bring depth to his character. To strengthen this aspect, more insight into his background, motivations, and vulnerabilities could be woven throughout the narrative. This would offer readers a fuller understanding of his decisions and the emotional stakes involved.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5: Your writing is generally clear and effective, with a few areas for improvement in sentence structure and punctuation. Ensuring consistency in tense and clearer delineation between thoughts can aid in readability. For example, more varied sentence structures and careful use of commas can help to clarify complex ideas and emotions.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5:
Elation, Synonym: Exhilaration
Shimmered, Synonym: Glistened
Entranced, Synonym: Mesmerised
Hypnotised, Synonym: Enthralled
Euphoria, Synonym: Bliss
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative is engaging and rich with vivid descriptions and emotional depth. The plot is intriguing, blending elements of science fiction with personal and ethical dilemmas. To further refine your writing, consider the following suggestions:
Integrate foreshadowing to enhance plot development.
Delve deeper into the significance behind physical descriptions and settings.
Expand sensory details to include a wider range of experiences.
Offer more background on the protagonist to enrich character development.
Pay attention to grammar and syntax for clearer expression.
By addressing these areas, you can elevate your narrative, making it even more compelling and immersive for your readers. Your imagination and ability to convey complex emotions through descriptive language are commendable. Keep exploring these strengths while refining your technique for an even more impactful storytelling experience.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
“Eureka!” Professor Adam Trey exclaimed, his joy unfurling like a blossoming garden at dawn. It felt as though a myriad of butterflies danced within him, their wings fluttering in harmony with his boundless delight. This sensation, akin to sails catching a brisk wind, elevated his spirits to new heights. His happiness painted a vivid tableau of sun-kissed colours across his emotional landscape. In this moment, Trey, with arms uplifted, resembled a poet captivated by the verses of his own heart. His white robes sparkled with jubilation, and his untamed black hair, marked by streaks of white, seemed to resonate with the rhythm of his soul. His eyes, mirrors of ecstasy, gleamed with fervour as he regarded his invention through rectangular spectacles. The fog of confusion that once clouded his mind now lifted, clearing his thoughts as if through a sieve. “Nuclear,” he whispered in awe. After years marred by death, pollution, and climate change, his discovery promised a safer future for humanity.
Decades of research had culminated in this moment of disbelief. How had he achieved it? In a world where nuclear resources had become mere myths, Adam Trey had unlocked the secrets of nuclear energy, heralding the end of fossil fuel dominance.
That evening, appearing on the news with his hair neatly styled, Adam sought to present an image of success, disguising the poverty that had long constrained him. His rapid speech betrayed his anxiety; fame had arrived, but financial rewards had eluded him. Returning home, exhaustion enveloped him like a heavy cloak, the weight of his discovery pressing down on him like the burdens shouldered by Atlas. The parchment in his hand, a beacon of hope, felt rough against his trembling fingers.
Then, the phone rang, its tone a haunting melody that played endlessly in Adam’s mind. “Hello, Professor Adam Trey. I am Wat Yan Ig, the dictator of Dystonia, and I have a…request.” The voice, metallic and commanding, instilled immediate fear. Wat Yan Ig, known for his cruelty, demanded the formula for Trey’s invention. Torn between moral integrity and the threat to his family, Adam faced an agonising decision. Reluctantly, he agreed, a single tear marking his despair.
As he contemplated the path ahead, Adam realised the magnitude of the choice he had made, one that would irrevocably alter the course of his life and potentially the world.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19ZO6Ot_nUzNoKeZ9EbPJJEjzsDZbDjCshMf0_Y4vLqw/edit
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative displays a well-thought-out progression from Willow’s childhood inspiration to her decisive action on her 18th birthday. The story’s foundation, “On Willow’s 18th birthday, she decided that it was time to reveal to her parents her real self,” efficiently sets the stage for a coming-of-age tale intertwined with personal conviction and societal expectations. However, enhancing the plot’s depth by introducing subtler conflicts or dilemmas Willow faces could enrich the narrative’s complexity. For instance, exploring internal conflicts regarding her decision or depicting more nuanced family dynamics could provide a more layered storytelling experience.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
The vivid description of Willow’s uniform and its juxtaposition with wildflowers adds a poetic touch, “A border of delicate wildflowers besieged the uniform, their mellow, subtle hues releasing the fragrances of the earth.” To further enhance the narrative, consider delving deeper into the symbolism of her attire and accessories. For example, the uniform could symbolize her defiance and independence, while the wildflowers might represent her connection to nature or femininity, thus enriching the narrative’s thematic elements.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
You’ve skillfully employed sensory details to immerse readers in Willow’s world, particularly with descriptions like “the ear-splitting gunshots” and “the perfume of Gaia herself.” To elevate your narrative, incorporating more varied sensory experiences could deepen the reader’s engagement. Consider the tactile sensations of wearing the uniform for the first time or the emotional resonance of stepping into a role traditionally not occupied by women, thereby enhancing the narrative’s sensory appeal.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
Willow’s character arc is compelling, showing her transition from a dream-filled child to a determined adult. The emotional stakes are clear, especially in “Willow was crestfallen by her parent’s reaction,” which vividly captures her struggle. To further elevate this aspect, integrating moments of introspection where Willow reflects on her growth or the impact of her choices on her identity could offer deeper emotional resonance and character insight.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your writing is generally well-constructed, with a good grasp of grammar and syntax. “She thought, and groggily got into her garments,” demonstrates a slight awkwardness in sentence structure that could be smoothed out for better flow. Refining complex sentence structures and ensuring clarity in your expression will enhance the readability and sophistication of your narrative.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Gaia, Synonym: Earth
Crestfallen, Synonym: Disheartened
Zest, Synonym: Enthusiasm
Prodigous, Synonym: Extraordinary
Tempest, Synonym: Storm
Expanding your lexical range further could add nuance and depth to your writing. For example, replacing common words with more specific or evocative synonyms can enrich the narrative’s texture and reader’s experience.
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative compellingly captures Willow’s journey towards self-actualization, marked by a strong sense of determination and personal growth. The vivid imagery and emotional depth invite readers into Willow’s world, creating a memorable story. However, there is room for enhancement in terms of plot complexity, deeper character introspection, and the integration of more nuanced emotional and sensory details. Your ability to intertwine character development with thematic expression is commendable, and focusing on these areas could elevate your narrative further.
To improve your writing:
Integrate more complex internal conflicts to add depth to the plot.
Employ more symbolic elements in descriptions to enrich thematic layers.
Diversify sensory details to create a more immersive reading experience.
Deepen character introspection to enhance emotional resonance.
Refine grammar and expand vocabulary for more sophisticated expression.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
On the dawn of Willow’s 18th year, she resolved to unveil her true essence to her parents. A week prior, she had clandestinely enlisted in the army, her uniform arriving just yesterday. Swiftly, she concealed it beneath her mattress, evading her mother’s discovery. Now, the uniform, with its crisp camouflage, was carefully arranged in her wardrobe, complemented by glossy black boots on the coarse furniture surface. Surrounding it, a garland of wildflowers breathed life into the room, their subtle tones whispering the earth’s essence, a tribute to Gaia. Clad in her military attire, Willow reminisced about a childhood visit to a Perth military base, where the awe of fighter jets painting the sky and the precision of soldiers had ignited her dream. Despite noticing the scarce presence of women in the force, this observation fuelled her ambition rather than deterring it. Facing her family’s indifference and their hopes for her to pursue law, Willow’s resolve only strengthened. Today, she stands ready, under an aquamarine banner bearing her name, reflecting on her journey from playful battles to this defining moment. As her parents emerge, their initial shock at her revelation transitions to acceptance, influenced by her passionate declaration of intent and desire for a life beyond the conventional.
This is Bianca’s Week 3 Writing HW (YR6) – SOLDIER PIECE :
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10DJS_cikfC2b-xNEKv6OSkAnYvEjw_YD3bbUUR1hu40/edit
Thank you!
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score out of 10: 9
Your narrative displays a compelling and emotionally charged storyline, capturing the harsh realities of war and the deep bond between Sergeant Dmitri Ivanov and Sergeant Rimsky Korsakov. The plot’s progression, from despair to a daring rescue, is well-structured, offering a poignant exploration of friendship and sacrifice. However, the transition between scenes could be smoothed out to enhance the narrative’s flow. For instance, the shift from Dmitri’s introspection in the tent to the rescue mission feels somewhat abrupt. Integrating more foreshadowing or reflective moments could provide a more cohesive transition, deepening the narrative’s impact.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score out of 10: 8
You’ve vividly described the physical and emotional toll of war on the characters, using detailed imagery to bring their experiences to life. The mention of “salty rivers streaming down his creased spider web of skin” effectively conveys Dmitri’s anguish. To further enrich your descriptions, consider delving deeper into the sensory details of their surroundings and interactions. For instance, describing the texture and weight of the army jacket or the specific sensations of pain and adrenaline during the rescue could enhance the reader’s immersion.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score out of 10: 8
Your use of vivid and sensory language significantly enhances the narrative’s emotional depth and setting. Phrases like “sweat-infused clothes reeked of a muddy sweat smell” effectively evoke the grim realities of the battlefield. To build on this strength, incorporating more varied sensory details, such as sounds and smells associated with different settings and actions, would further elevate the narrative’s vividness. Exploring the contrasts between the quiet moments of reflection and the chaotic battlefield could also add layers to the sensory experience.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score out of 10: 8
The emotional journey of your characters is compelling, showcasing a profound evolution in their relationship and individual character arcs. The narrative poignantly illustrates the bond between Dmitri and Rimsky, marked by loyalty and sacrifice. To deepen character development, consider providing more background on their friendship’s origin and how the war has changed them individually. This could offer readers a more nuanced understanding of their motivations and the stakes involved in their decisions.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your narrative demonstrates a strong command of grammar and syntax, with only minor errors that slightly disrupt the reading flow. Refining complex sentence structures and ensuring subject-verb agreement throughout could enhance clarity and readability. For example, careful revision of sentences with multiple clauses could improve their effectiveness in conveying action and emotion.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary is generally strong, contributing to the narrative’s intensity and emotional depth. However, expanding your lexical range could further enrich the text. Consider the following synonyms to diversify your vocabulary:
Forlorn, Synonym: Desolate
Battered, Synonym: Ravaged
Inescapable, Synonym: Unavoidable
Vulnerable, Synonym: Exposed
Traumatic, Synonym: Distressing
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative is a moving and immersive exploration of the complexities of friendship and the brutal realities of war. The emotional depth and vivid descriptions effectively engage the reader, offering a poignant glimpse into the characters’ experiences. To elevate your writing further, consider refining the transitions between scenes for a smoother narrative flow and deepening your character development with additional background information. Expanding your use of sensory details and vocabulary will also enhance the reader’s engagement and immersion. Encouragingly, your strong foundation in storytelling and emotional expression holds great potential for creating deeply impactful narratives.
To improve your writing, consider the following:
Integrate smoother transitions between scenes to enhance narrative cohesion.
Deepen character backgrounds to enrich their motivations and emotional journeys.
Expand sensory descriptions to include a broader range of experiences.
Refine sentence structures for clarity and impact.
Broaden your vocabulary to add nuance and depth to your descriptions.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
Sergeant Dmitri Ivanov stood desolately in the ravaged tent he regarded as home, his face etched with lines of sorrow as tears carved paths down his skin, worn thin by sleepless nights and the relentless toll of conflict. His family, ensnared in the throes of despair and homelessness, was adrift in a sea of uncertainty that swallowed the lives of countless innocents. Conscripted into the unforgiving embrace of military life, Dmitri found solace in the companionship of Sergeant Rimsky Korsakov. Their bond, forged in adversity, became their beacon amidst the chaos of war, drawing them closer as the world around them fractured.
The cruel twist of fate that led to Rimsky’s injury at the front line tormented Dmitri, tugging at his soul with the ferocity of a tempest. Torn between the peril of the rescue and the anguish of inaction, Dmitri found himself ensnared in a harrowing dilemma. The silence of his makeshift shelter was shattered only by the whispers of the autumn wind and his own fretful murmurs, until resolve gripped him. Donning his mud-stained uniform, he ventured into the wilderness of Mainland Russia, desperation fuelling his search for Rimsky.
Rimsky, with his distinctive brunette hair and penetrating almond eyes, lay vulnerable on the battlefield, his life hanging by a fragile thread. Dmitri’s approach, marked by uneven strides, was a testament to his determination. Despite the barrage of bullets and the sting of shrapnel, he remained undeterred, driven by the unyielding bond of friendship.
At Rimsky’s side, Dmitri’s actions were those of a man who knew the cost of his choices yet refused to turn away. His efforts to save his friend, despite the grievous wounds he sustained, were a poignant reminder of the sacrifices borne out of loyalty and love. The makeshift hospital tent became a stage for their reunion, with Rimsky’s fading consciousness clinging to the sounds of battle and the comforting presence of his saviour.
In the aftermath, as Rimsky grappled with the reality of his survival, it became clear that Dmitri’s sacrifice was born of an unbreakable commitment to their friendship—a testament to the enduring spirit of humanity amidst the horrors of war.
Here is my Writing Homework for Topic 1
W3 Plots
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative crafts a compelling dilemma faced by the protagonist, Percy, who is torn between loyalty to his friend and his own survival, alongside the responsibility towards his family. This plot is emotionally engaging and drives the story forward effectively. However, the sudden revelation of Thomas being a traitor feels abrupt and could benefit from more foreshadowing to enhance its impact on the reader. For instance, introducing subtle hints of Thomas’s dubious loyalty earlier in the narrative could create a more layered and suspenseful storyline.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 9/10
You’ve done an admirable job detailing Percy’s and Thomas’s physical appearance and the toll the war has taken on them, which vividly paints their characters. “His arms, gently cracked with a tapestry of catastrophic chaos and intoxicating battles,” effectively conveys the scars of war. To enrich this further, consider exploring the emotional significance behind their outfits or items they carry, such as a locket or a photograph, adding depth to their personal stories and the sacrifices they’ve made.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
The use of sensory language throughout your narrative is impressive, particularly in the opening description of the battlefield. “The cerulean sky, pulsating with smoggy, palpable air,” creates a vivid image. To enhance this even further, incorporating smells, tastes, and tactile sensations can create a more immersive experience. For example, describing the acrid smell of gunpowder and the gritty texture of the sand could provide a fuller sensory experience.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 7/10
Your portrayal of Percy’s internal conflict is deeply moving, highlighting his sense of duty and the personal stakes involved. The emotional depth you’ve achieved is commendable. Yet, the development of Thomas’s character feels somewhat overlooked. Expanding on his backstory and the dynamics of his relationship with Percy could strengthen the emotional impact, offering readers a more complete understanding of their bond and the betrayal.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your command of grammar and syntax is strong, contributing to a smooth reading experience. However, there are moments where sentence structures become overly complex, potentially obscuring clarity. Simplifying these constructions can enhance readability without sacrificing depth. For example, breaking down complex sentences into shorter, more impactful ones could improve flow and emphasis.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Exalted, mellifluous, august, mosaic, mellifluous, serenity, peculiar, obsidian, malevolent, inscrutable.
Synonym: Elevated, sweet-sounding, majestic, patchwork, harmonious, peace, unusual, jet-black, wicked, enigmatic.
Your choice of vocabulary is generally strong, contributing to the narrative’s vivid imagery and emotional depth. However, there’s room to diversify language to avoid repetition and refine expression. For example, using synonyms for frequently occurring words can enhance the text’s richness and readability.
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative demonstrates considerable talent in storytelling, particularly in crafting vivid imagery and deep emotional resonance. The central conflict is engaging, and the descriptions are richly detailed, creating a compelling reading experience. However, the story would benefit from more nuanced character development, especially concerning Thomas, and more gradual unveiling of plot twists to build suspense. Additionally, refining grammar and syntax for clearer expression and diversifying vocabulary can elevate the narrative further.
To improve your writing:
Introduce foreshadowing elements to build suspense and depth.
Deepen character backstories and relationships for a more emotional impact.
Incorporate a wider range of sensory details for a more immersive experience.
Simplify complex sentence structures to enhance clarity and readability.
Diversify vocabulary and avoid repetition for richer expression.
Be encouraged that your narrative foundation is strong, and with these refinements, your storytelling can become even more compelling and impactful.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
The sun blazed above, its rays casting the battlefield in a surreal light of orange and gold, transforming it into a vast furnace. The sky, a deep blue marred by smoke, seemed to mourn the loss of its once joyous clouds, now heavy with despair. Amidst this, the trees stood like silent witnesses to the unfolding human tragedy.
Percy, his jaw set in determination, wore his combat uniform like a mantle of responsibility, heavy upon his shoulders. The mud-caked hat partially concealed his face, a facade hiding untold stories of vulnerability. His body bore the marks of countless battles, each scar a testament to his bravery and the horrors he had witnessed.
As he navigated the battlefield, his gaze, dark as the deepest night, betrayed his inner turmoil. His friend Thomas, injured and defeated, symbolized a bond formed in the crucible of war. The order to retreat put Percy at a crossroads, torn between duty and the unbreakable bond of friendship.
The weight of his decision was palpable, not just for his own fate but for his family’s future. The prospect of leaving Thomas behind was unthinkable, yet the survival of his family hung in the balance. As he grappled with his choice, a devastating revelation shook him to the core: Thomas had betrayed their cause.
Overwhelmed by a sense of betrayal, Percy’s resolve hardened. The narrative of friendship and loyalty was shattered, leaving him to navigate the complexities of war and personal ethics alone. His decision, though painful, was now informed by a deeper understanding of the cost of war.
This exploration of loyalty, betrayal, and the personal costs of war offers a nuanced perspective on the human condition. By delving deeper into the characters’ backgrounds and motivations, and refining the narrative for clarity and impact, your story can achieve a profound emotional resonance with its readers.
“A soldier must decide between risking his life to save his best friend or staying put and saving himself.”
A War Dilemma
Sergeant Alex Thompson had been closely connected to Sergeant Thomas Anderson. Their friendship in military boot camp was unbreakable and in the war, their bond was persistent. Fighting back-to-back, their pure war spirit dominated the battlefield. Even multiple newspaper stations called them resilient war legends, true saviors at conflict. That was until one particular day…
It was a chilly winter evening, when the grounds were quieter than snow. Thompson was in his tent alone, writing in his war book about his days, as he had an arm-wrestling contest with his fellow mates. He could vividly remember how he lost against Anderson but then he was praised for his strength. He almost immediately got transported to the past. That is when he heard an abrupt gunshot
Suddenly, a cacophony of gunshots were set off, piercing Thompson’s ears into the abyss. Thompson bolted like lightning to the commotion, under a patter or bullets. When he arrived at the front, he could see the enemy team engaging at them. Though, he couldn’t spot Anderson through the violent dystopian, as if he disappeared in an instance . Thompson knew that without Anderson, they were on their own during the mass or the conflict.
As Thompson scouted the battlefield, he felt a spark of flame that ignited within. It was a sole determination of courage that was scattered across his heart. He had no other translation for this ambition except an action to trudge into the dense sea of red tears, to his true friend, Thomas. He knew he was his friend, and nothing will happen to stop him from breaking this thick connection. And so he would search for Thomas through the spills of human clash. He scanned and scanned throughout the ongoing conflict until he stumbled upon a semi-conscious Thomas, lying in a pool of amber red blood.
Thompson scuttled and kneeled at the body, as he could see Thomas lying there in agonising pain. His eyes were glued shut, as he squealed about the dirty wound in his chest. “Thomas,” shouted Alex, expecting that Thomas couldn’t hear over the screams of terror during the bustling dissonance. Thomas gradually squirmed open his eyes to see his thoroughly connected friend staring at him. “I am done for, Alex. Let me leave for the heavens, my dearest friend,” replied Thomas, fixing his gaze at Alex. Alex could hear his old war commander beckon them to retreat into whatever was left of the ruins. Though, this message did not reach Alex, as he sat there, hopelessly sobbing. He was torn between his loyalty to his nation, as they regarded him as their best soldier, and his trust towards the person who felt like everything to him.
“A young girl must choose between following her parents’ dreams for her or pursuing her own dreams”
A Controversial Future
Diana has always been a talented musician in her family heritage. Her swift fingers glided across the piano, composing melodies sweeter than the angels. Even all of her relatives say that she will become a professional pianist when she grows up. Everyone except her parents. Both her mother and father wanted her to follow their law-firm business so she could become a top-rated lawyer. Her parents haven’t been too talkative about this career until one day…
Diana was so invested into her practice on the piano that she didn’t realise that her parents had fallen dreadfully ill. They recovered from this sudden shock, but the doctor had described an extremely rare pill that would cost a fortune. If they didn’t, there were high chances that they would pass away. Diana knew that her parents’ stakes were on the line and that her parents would soon drop off from their jobs and retire. She had to obtain such an amount of money in a very short period of time. She thought of a variety of ways to gain advantage of this money, but could only come to one mindset; law.
It was the only job to get the needed money from. As she plopped herself on her bed, pondering, she began to silently weep and realise that she would have to quit her vivacious dream for music as a whole. This sombre realisation shook her heart like an earthquake, bringing her down to rubble. She felt like a lonely child having to bear the weight of the skies on her shoulders Diana wished she had the power of Hercules to raise her out of this terror, but no matter what, it stayed, stinging like agonising poison.
But her scenario got even worse, when she received news that her elder brother had developed an unknown disease in his brain. It could only potentially be mitigated during a special operation. Even though this could basically cost Diana her life, this all was like a magical force that was pressurising to follow her parent’s vision of Diana working at their law-firm.
Then came the day. The day Diana was given the decision to choose her career life path. All of her relatives eagerly glared at her as she was asked the nerve-wracking question. The constant gaze from all of relatives made her heart skip a beat. It felt like her growing indecisiveness made her grow and illness of her own. She blankly stared at the ground, thinking if she should choose to follow her parents dream, or pursue her own musical passion?
“A scientist must choose between using his new invention to help the world or using it to create wealth and power”
The Weight of the World
Dr Joseph Buckham stood in awe, and he witnessed perhaps the most trailblazing invention being formed in front of his eyes. He removed his safety goggles, still gaping as if a watermelon could slide between his jaws. He knew he was holding pure prosperity in his hand, the fame and wealth he could harvest from just the sheer potion he had formulated. But outside of this, there was a bigger problem…
At the time of his spectacular creation. The world was suffering from the repercussions of COVID-24. Joseph knew that this useful yet very valuable vial could be the start of a mass cure for society. It seemed like a no-brainer action for Joseph, but a third party deal was obscuring the skies. Renowned billionaire Mr. Drake had offered him huge sums of wealth if he would trade him with the recipe for his craft.
The reason why this offer was of such concern is because Joseph was poor and he needed any money to get out of this disparity. So by accepting this deal, he could receive all the money and riches he will ever need. But he then began to ponder on the opposite of this deal, about the many lives that could be saved from the callous beast of COVID-24. This is because the contract also clearly stated that he couldn’t make anymore of these potions for himself, no matter what.
Pressure began to clog Joseph’s mind. As a father, he had to provide whatever he could to his children. But he also knew that Mr. Drake only wanted profit from his businesses. So he could manipulate the power of this substance for malicious intent. He would create a emission byproduct in mass production that will likely worsen the climate crisis, already raging during this calamity. Joseph thought if he wanted to save the billions of random people out there, or his family from the grasp of poverty during this global meltdown.
The day finally arrived when he had to meet with Mr. Drake in his office. And when they both sat down privately, Mr. Drake murmured to Joseph, ”Well, Joseph, what is your final decision?” His tone of voice sounded as if soothingly evil to the mind. This question began to speed across Joseph’s mind, losing it from his mental control. It clashed into his senses, as he could see Mr. Drake turned even impatient by the second. Joseph wanted to blurt out a decision, but quickly refrained each time. Mr. Drake stood up like lightning. “Well, will this make you choose?” as he revealed something.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
DIVYESH WEEK 3 FEEEDBACK
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RylzXy71ifZHJSj0ymzd1PT3xqcj2aLNox8nHwX-Nvo/edit
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative showcases a compelling and imaginative plot that engages readers from the start. The journey of Dr. Frank Neston, from a scientist of humble beginnings to a world-saving hero, is well-structured and paced. The introduction of the conflict through Norman Ellis’s proposition adds a layer of suspense and moral dilemma. However, the story could benefit from a clearer build-up to the climax, providing more depth to the characters’ motivations. For instance, the transition from discovery to confrontation feels slightly rushed. Expanding on the emotional and ethical struggles leading to Frank’s decision would enhance the narrative’s impact.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
Your descriptions provide a clear picture of the characters and settings, yet there’s room to further enrich the narrative by delving into the specifics of body language, clothing, and objects that characters interact with. Describing Frank’s physical reactions to stress or anticipation, or the opulence of Norman’s attire, could heighten the contrast between their worlds. For example, when Frank is offered the deal, detailing his physical reaction could amplify the tension, such as “Frank’s palms sweated as he grasped the pen, the weight of his decision as heavy as the air in the opulent, suffocating room.”
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
You have effectively employed sensory language to bring scenes to life, particularly with the alien communication device’s description. Further enhancement could be achieved by incorporating more sensory details in scenes to evoke a stronger atmosphere or emotion. For example, describing the sounds and sights of the conference, or the alien’s voice in the recording, could further immerse readers in the story’s world.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
The emotional journey of Dr. Frank Neston and the moral quandaries he faces are clearly outlined, creating a strong emotional pull. Yet, the development of secondary characters, particularly Norman Ellis, could be deepened to add complexity to the narrative. Providing glimpses into their motivations or backgrounds could enrich the story, making the conflict more nuanced. For instance, exploring Norman’s ambition or desperation could add layers to his character, making the climax more impactful.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your use of grammar and syntax is mostly accurate, contributing to the clarity of the narrative. Occasional complex sentences could be simplified or varied to enhance readability and flow. For example, “He was torn upon reading this, having to choose between saving his family, or saving the world” could be rephrased for greater impact and clarity.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary suits the narrative’s tone and setting, with a few areas where more precise or varied language could elevate the story. Consider:
Renowned, Synonym: Esteemed
Invention, Synonym: Innovation
Deal, Synonym: Agreement
Destroy, Synonym: Annihilate
Temptation, Synonym: Allurement
In conclusion, your narrative is a compelling and imaginative tale that captures the reader’s attention with its original plot and moral complexity. To enhance your storytelling, consider deepening character development, incorporating more detailed descriptions of settings and reactions, and enriching the narrative with sensory details. Encouraging further exploration of emotional depth and conflict resolution could make your stories even more engaging. By refining these aspects, your writing will not only captivate but also leave a lasting impression on your readers.
Further explore characters’ backgrounds and motivations to add depth.
Incorporate more sensory details to enhance scene immersion.
Expand on emotional and ethical dilemmas to enrich the narrative.
Utilise varied sentence structures to improve readability and flow.
Broaden your vocabulary to add nuance and precision to your descriptions.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
Dr. Frank Neston, an esteemed scientist, has shattered records with his unparalleled contributions to chemistry and physics, earning him six Nobel Prizes. Despite his fame, Frank’s roots are in a family barely scraping by, a fact that fuels his dedication to his work. His latest innovation, a device facilitating communication with extraterrestrial beings discovered in the Andromeda Galaxy, stands as his pride. Anticipating its potential, he unveils it at a scientific conference, earning thunderous applause.
In the aftermath, Norman Ellis, a magnate in Australian oil, approaches with an offer that tests Frank’s morals: one billion dollars for unlimited access to the device. The sum tempts Frank, promising his family’s financial salvation, yet the enigmatic intent behind Norman’s offer raises suspicions. Delving into Norman’s background, Frank uncovers a chilling ambition: to harness the device for global domination.
Torn between familial loyalty and the greater good, Frank grapples with the choice. His parents, understanding the stakes, advocate for the sacrifice of their lives over the world’s downfall. In a decisive moment, Frank confronts Norman, feigning compliance before destroying the device, outwitting Norman and securing the safety of humanity and his family’s future.
Lacey Stone was a beautiful gifted girl who could do any thing. She was talented at sports, music and her favourite, art. One day she wanted to be an art sculptor after she had made a masterpiece of art at her school. It got many famous artists all around the world to come and check the magnificent piece of art. Lacey always had the dream to be a famous artist but her parents would have different views on it. They would always say “you won’t make enough money, be a doctor instead!” That would depress Lacey every time she heard it. How come they didn’t want to support Lacey with her dreams. One day, Lacey’s family went into poverty. Even with the combined power of two parents working to make money it still wouldn’t be enough. Lacey’s family asked for Lacey to become a doctor for the family’s sake. Lacey had her eyebrows up from surprise as Lacey’s parents asked her to become a doctor. Lacey couldn’t choose because she had to choose between her family or her own happiness. The thought stressed her out so much that she had to be left alone. Wondering how her life would be if she was a doctor. She would have to work night and day and make good money, but that wasn’t her passion. She once remembers a teacher that had taught her once and he said “What ever passion you have, take it.” Lacey wondered if that quote would help her family? Later that day, Lacey went out for a stroll. She was taking a walk in that park eye only fixated on the radiant sun setting with the red and orange coalescing with each other. Lacey saw trees and the clouds in front of the setting like it was painted on a canvas. The Lacey got and idea! She would come and paint the shimmering sun set with the trees and clouds in the background. One day she would use the green paint and the next would be orange. She did that for 10 days straight in the same spot and the same time each time she came until it came down to the final stroke. Finally finished, she took the masterpiece of art to the local museum. Once she gave to the man who was collecting the paintings, the man looked star struck and his face was priceless. Mouth gaping wide, Both eyes fully open and if he tried to talk, all he could do was stutter. Finally when he started to talk he said “4 million and no refunds.” That was more than enough to pay for food and even an art school! Ten years later, Lacey Stone is a world renown artist who made bad things become good. One time in a press conference they ask her how did she do it. She would always reply with “It all thanks to my amazing teacher that told me to follow my passions that made me become what I am today.”
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative presents a compelling storyline that captures the reader’s interest with its portrayal of Lacey Stone’s journey from a talented artist to a world-renowned figure. The structure facilitates a clear progression of events, effectively highlighting the conflict between Lacey’s passion and her family’s expectations. However, the transition from Lacey’s struggle to her sudden success feels somewhat abrupt. To enhance the plot’s depth and realism, consider incorporating more challenges and milestones she faces in her artistic career, which would offer a more nuanced exploration of her journey.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 9/10
The description of Lacey’s surprise at her parents’ request, depicted through her raised eyebrows, adds a personal touch to the narrative. However, there is room to further enrich the story by detailing characters’ physical reactions, outfits, and accessories, which can add layers to the narrative and deepen readers’ engagement. For instance, describing Lacey’s attire and tools during her art creation could reflect her artistic style and personality, providing a more immersive reading experience.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 7/10
You have effectively employed sensory language in describing the sunset that inspires Lacey, which vividly paints the scene for readers. To further enhance the narrative’s vividness, consider incorporating a wider range of sensory details throughout the story. Describing sounds, textures, and emotions connected to Lacey’s art-making process and her interactions could create a more engaging and relatable experience for readers.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
The emotional journey of Lacey, from feeling pressured by her parents to finding success on her own terms, is well-articulated. This aspect of the narrative strongly resonates with readers, offering a satisfying character development arc. To intensify the emotional impact, providing deeper insights into Lacey’s thoughts and feelings during critical moments of decision-making could offer a richer understanding of her character evolution.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy and syntactical variety, contributing to a smooth reading experience. To further refine the narrative, attention to more complex sentence structures and varied syntax could enhance the overall flow and readability of the story.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Masterpiece, Synonym: Magnum Opus
Talented, Synonym: Gifted
Passion, Synonym: Zeal
Surprise, Synonym: Astonishment
Magnificent, Synonym: Splendid
Your narrative showcases a good range of vocabulary that aids in conveying Lacey’s story compellingly. Expanding the lexical variety with synonyms such as those listed above can enrich the narrative’s expressiveness and depth.
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative compellingly outlines Lacey Stone’s artistic journey, balancing emotional depth with a plot that champions following one’s passion. To elevate your writing, consider:
Deepening character development with more nuanced emotional expressions.
Incorporating a broader array of sensory details to enhance scene vividness.
Expanding the description of physical reactions and settings for a more immersive experience.
Introducing more complex challenges to Lacey’s journey for a realistic portrayal of her success.
Utilizing a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to enrich the narrative’s texture.
These suggestions aim to enhance the narrative’s impact, providing a more detailed and engaging reading experience. Your story holds significant potential, and with further refinement, it can truly captivate and inspire your audience.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten
Lacey Stone possessed an innate brilliance, a veritable polymath gifted in athletics, melodies, and, most profoundly, artistry—her soul’s truest compass. Envisioning herself a sculptor of renown, she once crafted a piece so transcendent, it beckoned connoisseurs globally to marvel at its splendour. Despite her ambitions, her parents, tethered to pragmatism, envisioned a different path for her: medicine, a profession promising stability over the precarious pursuit of art. This divergence cast a shadow over Lacey, her spirit dampened by their lack of faith in her dreams.
Adversity struck when her family found themselves ensnared in the throes of poverty, their collective labours insufficient against the tide of financial duress. It was then, at their most vulnerable, her parents implored her to embrace the medical profession, a plea that left her at a crossroads between familial duty and personal fulfilment. The weight of this choice secluded her in contemplation, pondering a life diverged from her passion.
Recollections of a mentor’s wisdom—urging the pursuit of passion—haunted her. Could such a philosophy sustain not just the soul, but a family? In a moment of clarity, inspired by a sunset that seemed a divine canvas, she envisioned her path. Over ten days, she immortalised the celestial dance of dusk, each stroke a testament to her resolve.
Her efforts culminated in a masterpiece, its unveiling at a local museum eliciting awe and an offer that promised not just financial salvation but validation of her journey. A decade later, Lacey Stone emerged not merely as an artist of renown but a beacon of perseverance, attributing her ascent to the sage advice of a mentor long past, a testament to the power of following one’s passion against all odds.
Dr James John was an famous and brilliant scientist. He invented amazing devices that have never been found to human kind. Lots of people have tried buying from him yet to fail in the process. One day however, he created what might be the most important thing that has been invented over the course of human evolution. Artificial air! As it has been getting very clear that pollution have been disrupting all the thing humans need to live. Food products, water and most importantly air. This invention, however was bound to happen because of some other scientist have tried the invention but all have failed except for Dr James John himself. One day however, people wanted Dr James to present his invention to the world. After the speech there were a lot of wows. People looked starstruck at what was thought as an impossible invention. One person however came up to Dr James after everyone left. He said that his name was Mr Billi Onare. He was a billionaire with one thing on his mind. Fame and money. He said that if Dr James let his brand be founded he would be able to get 10 million a month. That was the biggest amount of money he had ever seen. Dr James hasn’t been so good with money in his life either. He raises his eye in suspicion but Mr Billi proves that it is perfectly real and isn’t fake. Dr James had the temptation to take the money for wealth but the he remembers that he made it for good. His brain and heart is torn apart from the idea of wealth or the idea of good in the world. Dr James tells the billionaire that he will think about it. When he arrives at his home he tells his wife about the deal. She wants to decline it as they could save the world but Dr James thinks that if the get the money they could not be as poor and they could make more inventions because he’s giving us 10 million a month. His wife raises an eyebrow. She asks “Who said that?” Dr James replies with Mr Billi Onare. His wife questions him again. “Are you sure?” Finally Dr James asks why is she is interrogating him and she tells him that Mr Billi Onare is a person who like to buy items for expensively high amounts and and use it for the dark side of things. After some thinking the decide to use the invention for good and not evil. First off, Dr James declines the deal, then he lets everyone buy the artificial air. Also he gets more money in return from the minister for saving the planet. Dr James thinks that he is right for not choosing Mr Billi because if he did, the world wouldn’t be as it is right now
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative presents an engaging plot with a clear structure, revolving around the significant invention of artificial air by Dr James John and the ethical dilemma he faces when approached by Mr Billi Onare. The storyline captures the reader’s interest with its theme of innovation versus morality. However, the transitions between major plot points could be smoother to enhance the narrative flow. For instance, the leap from Dr James’s invention to Mr Billi Onare’s proposal feels abrupt. Incorporating transitional elements or scenes that build up to these moments could provide a more cohesive reading experience.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
The narrative touches on characters’ reactions and emotions, such as Dr James raising his eye in suspicion and his wife questioning him, which helps in visualising the scenes. Yet, descriptions of physical appearances, outfits, or accessories are sparse, missing an opportunity to add depth to the characters and settings. To enrich your storytelling, consider integrating more detailed descriptions of the characters’ appearances and their environments. For example, detailing Dr James’s attire during his groundbreaking announcement could enhance the scene’s impact, and describing Mr Billi Onare’s appearance could further characterise his personality and intentions.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
You’ve utilised a narrative style that conveys the revolutionary nature of Dr James John’s invention and the subsequent moral conflict. The concept of “artificial air” as a solution to pollution is compelling. To elevate your narrative, incorporating more sensory details and vivid imagery could immerse the reader further into your world. Describing the tangible effects of pollution on the environment and the sensory experience of encountering artificial air for the first time would make the story more engaging.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
The narrative successfully outlines the moral quandaries faced by Dr James and introduces a potential antagonist in Mr Billi Onare. The emotional journey of Dr James, torn between wealth and ethical integrity, resonates with the reader. To deepen the emotional impact, you might explore the characters’ internal conflicts and resolutions with more nuance. Providing insight into Dr James’s thoughts and feelings throughout his decision-making process, as well as more background on Mr Billi Onare’s motivations, could offer a richer emotional landscape.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and syntax, with a few areas for improvement. Enhancing sentence variety and correcting occasional errors could refine the reading experience. For instance, the phrase “he raises his eye in suspicion but Mr Billi proves that it is perfectly real and isn’t fake” could be rephrased for clarity and grammatical accuracy.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Famous, Synonym: Renowned
Invented, Synonym: Devised
Brilliant, Synonym: Exceptional
Temptation, Synonym: Allurement
Invention, Synonym: Innovation
Your narrative compellingly explores themes of innovation, ethical dilemmas, and the impact of human ingenuity on environmental preservation. To further enhance your storytelling, consider the following suggestions:
Develop smoother transitions between scenes to enhance narrative flow.
Incorporate detailed descriptions of characters and settings to add depth.
Use more sensory details and vivid imagery to engage the reader fully.
Provide deeper insights into characters’ internal conflicts to enrich emotional impact.
Refine grammar and syntax, and expand vocabulary for a more polished narrative.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
Dr James John, a scientist of unparalleled brilliance, had revolutionised the world with his inventions, previously unfathomable to mankind. Despite countless offers, none had succeeded in acquiring his groundbreaking creations. Amidst escalating pollution that threatened essential life resources—food, water, and most critically, air—Dr James unveiled his most monumental innovation yet: artificial air. This breakthrough, a beacon of hope amidst environmental degradation, was a testament to human resilience and ingenuity, a feat many had attempted yet failed to achieve.
On the day he introduced his invention to the world, the audience was mesmerised, their astonishment palpable. However, post-celebration, a singular figure approached him, introducing himself as Mr Billi Onare. A billionaire driven by greed, Onare presented Dr James with a proposition cloaked in the allure of wealth—£10 million monthly. Despite his financial struggles, Dr James hesitated, torn between the seduction of affluence and his altruistic intentions.
Consulting his wife upon returning home, he found himself at a moral crossroads. Her scepticism towards Onare, known for exploiting innovations for nefarious purposes, prompted a profound deliberation. Ultimately, their decision to reject Onare’s offer and dedicate the artificial air to public welfare marked a pivotal moment. This choice not only preserved the integrity of Dr James’s invention but also, as recognised by the government, contributed significantly to planetary salvation.
Rejecting the shadows of temptation, Dr James affirmed the true essence of innovation: to serve humanity and safeguard its future. His story, a vivid reminder of the delicate balance between progress and ethics, continues to inspire.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iz6Jgv1cighTaMFQknrLrfSFjFbsbklhQ7aWhyVG1dk/edit?usp=sharing
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative, “Harmony of Decisions,” commendably weaves a complex and compelling story that balances the themes of personal ambition against familial obligations. The plot is engaging, with a clear beginning, middle, and end, guiding the reader through Emily’s emotional and moral dilemmas. A poignant moment is when Emily finds herself at a crossroads, torn between her passion for music and her family’s needs, illustrating the story’s central conflict effectively. To further enhance the plot’s depth, consider incorporating more nuanced conflicts or secondary storylines that could intertwine with Emily’s journey, adding layers to her character and the decisions she faces.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
The narrative lightly touches upon the physical reactions and settings, such as Emily’s fingers dancing on the piano keys, which aids in creating a visual scene for the reader. However, there is room to deepen the reader’s immersion by elaborating on Emily’s and other characters’ physical reactions to stress, joy, or conflict. For example, describing Emily’s attire during her performance or the physical manifestation of her nervousness could offer a fuller picture of her experience. Including more detailed descriptions of settings, like the atmosphere of the competition venue, could also enhance the narrative’s vividness.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
You effectively employ sensory language to bring scenes to life, particularly in describing the music’s impact on Emily and her surroundings. The description of notes weaving narratives of passion into the atmosphere is notably evocative. To elevate your narrative further, consider incorporating a wider range of sensory details that appeal to all five senses. For instance, the scent of the wooden piano under the heat of stage lights or the tactile sensation of aged ivory keys under Emily’s fingers could enrich the narrative’s sensory appeal.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
Emily’s character development is a strong aspect of your narrative, showcasing her evolution from a passionate musician to someone burdened by the weight of her decisions. The emotional turmoil she experiences is palpable, particularly in the narrative’s climax. To amplify the emotional impact, providing more insight into the internal struggles of secondary characters, like Jasper or the parents, could offer a more comprehensive emotional panorama of the family dynamics at play.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your command of grammar and syntax is largely proficient, contributing to the narrative’s readability and flow. Occasional complex sentence structures enhance the sophistication of your writing. To further refine your narrative, vigilant proofreading is recommended to catch and correct subtle inconsistencies in tense or the occasional awkward phrasing that may disrupt the reader’s engagement.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary is generally strong, contributing to the narrative’s expressive quality. Here are some words along with synonyms that could diversify your language:
Effervescent, Synonym: Bubbling
Idyllic, Synonym: Blissful
Plight, Synonym: Predicament
Resonated, Synonym: Echoed
Ambiguity, Synonym: Uncertainty
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative “Harmony of Decisions” successfully captures the emotional and moral complexities of pursuing one’s passions against the backdrop of familial obligations. The storyline is compelling, and the character of Emily is well-developed, making for an engaging read. To further enhance your narrative:
Integrate more detailed descriptions of characters’ physical reactions and settings to enrich the atmosphere and deepen the reader’s immersion.
Employ a wider range of sensory details to engage all the reader’s senses and add depth to your storytelling.
Expand on the emotional and internal struggles of secondary characters to offer a fuller view of the narrative’s emotional landscape.
Continue refining your grammar and syntax to ensure seamless readability.
Explore the use of a broader vocabulary to add variety and depth to your writing.
By addressing these areas, you can elevate the overall impact of your narrative, making it not only more engaging but also more resonant with your readers. Your storytelling has great potential, and with continued refinement, it will surely captivate and move your audience.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten
Emily’s digits gracefully traversed the piano’s ivory keys, filling the air with a cascade of melodies that spun tales of ardour and devotion. Each note, tenderly struck, harmonised with her soul’s essence, enveloping her in a utopia where her dreams vibrated through the grand piano’s core. This piano, her lifelong confidante, had been her voice since childhood, shielding her from the burdens imposed by her parents. Yet, as her family’s financial straits deepened due to her brother Jasper’s grave illness, the paths of her heart and her obligations began to entwine painfully.
Time, relentless in its march, threatened to eclipse Jasper’s light, casting shadows over Emily’s future, now a symphony of uncertain tunes. Memories of joyous times, now fading echoes, weighed heavily on her, her aspirations slipping away under the looming spectre of familial duty. The narrative reached a crescendo when Maestro Thaddeus Ravenscroft extended a lifeline—a scholarship that promised not just financial relief but a chance to chase her musical dreams. This opportunity, however, came with strings attached, binding her to a path fraught with perfectionism and sacrifice.
The stakes of Emily’s choices resonated through her music, a reflection of the precarious balance she strived to maintain. Each critique from her mentor chipped away at her hope, the fear of failure ever-present. As a pivotal competition approached, offering a beacon of hope for her family’s financial woes, the pressure mounted. Her performance, now a battleground of passion versus precision, struggled under the weight of expectations.
On the day of reckoning, beneath the spotlight’s glare and the audience’s anticipatory gaze, Emily’s connection to her music felt strained, her creativity shackled by the pursuit of flawlessness. Her music, once vibrant and expressive, now rang hollow, a shadow of its former self. Yet, in the depths of despair, she found a spark of resilience. Pouring her soul into the keys, she let her heart’s tumult and resolve flow through her symphony. It was imperfect, yet profoundly genuine—a testament to her journey and her undying love for her family.
As the final note lingered in the air, the audience’s thunderous applause lifted the weight of the world from Emily’s shoulders. The maestro, moved by her authentic performance, chose to uphold her scholarship. Emily emerged from this ordeal with a renewed bond to her music, a harmony forged not just in success but in the heartfelt choices that define us.
Week 3 writing hw
John looked lifelessly at the battlefield. He rendered useless to what looked like thousands of Nazis. Even a soldier in the Soviet Union like John wanted to go home. He and His best mate Jack were the only ones alive out of their whole squad. Thousands of bodies filled the ground and there was no telling that anybody would survive. John looked at Jack. “We need to retreat immediately!” Jack looked around. All he could see was cold, red blood on the bodies of fallen soldiers.
As the duo crawled cautiously back to base John checked his surroundings. SIlence. Too much silence. Just a moment ago he could hear planes and shouting but now it all stopped. They were getting ambushed. Before John had a chance to react a whole squad of Nazis surrounded them. They were so close to base and he knew even if they somehow survived running away to base, the Nazis would then know the location of their secret location. They had to get back to base without the Nazis spotting them.
“Run, I’ll distract them.” Whispered Jack to John. John refused to let his best friend die. Time started to slow down. John had a family back home waiting for the day he came back. They had been in war nonstop for about 6 months now. John and Jack have been best friends ever since 7th grade. They’ve done everything together. Now Jack was about to die. He was about to sacrifice himself for John. Time shifted back again. Nothing was clear to John anymore. Except for one thing. Only one of them could make it out alive.
Before John could save his best friend, Jack sneakily pulled out his gun. “Run.” Jack told John. All of a sudden Jack pushed John and fired his gun. In a rush of adrenaline, John sprinted to base as fast as he could as a rapid fire of guns covered his eyes. John looked back at the lifeless eyes of his best friend. He just managed to push his emotions away and was able to successfully get back to base. He was so relieved and sad at the same time. He was saved.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – 8/10: Your narrative effectively captures the tension and desperation of war, with a clear progression from the initial scene on the battlefield to the dramatic escape. The moment when John and Jack decide to retreat, leading to Jack’s sacrifice, is particularly poignant. However, the plot could benefit from a bit more complexity or unexpected turns to further engage the reader. For example, introducing a brief flashback to their time before the war could add depth to their decision-making in the present.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – 7/10: The descriptions of the battlefield and the soldiers’ physical responses to their situation provide a solid foundation for imagining the scene. To enhance this, consider detailing the wear and tear on their uniforms or the specific items they carry with them, which could serve as symbols of their journey and emotional state. “John looked lifelessly at the battlefield” could evolve into a description that includes the weight of his rifle, the fit of his helmet, or the state of his uniform, grounding the reader more firmly in the scene.
Vivid and Sensory Language – 8/10: You’ve successfully painted a vivid picture of the battlefield, especially with the use of color and sound. “All he could see was cold, red blood on the bodies of fallen soldiers” is a powerful image. To elevate this further, incorporate more sensory details related to smell, touch, or even the taste of fear and adrenaline in the air, making the scene come alive even more for the reader.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – 9/10: The bond between John and Jack is the emotional core of your story, effectively drawing the reader into their plight. The sacrifice Jack is willing to make for John is deeply moving. Expanding on their history and the depth of their friendship through more shared memories or conversations could enhance the impact of the climax when Jack makes the ultimate sacrifice.
Grammar and Syntax – 4/5: Your writing is generally clear and well-structured, but there are moments where sentence construction could be smoother to improve readability. For instance, “He rendered useless to what looked like thousands of Nazis” might be rephrased for clarity and impact.
Vocabulary – 5/5:
Lifelessly, Synonym: Languidly
Rendered, Synonym: Made
Immediate, Synonym: Instant
Secret, Synonym: Covert
Relieved, Synonym: Alleviated
Your narrative captures the harrowing experience of war with commendable emotional depth and vivid imagery. To further refine your writing:
Integrate more detailed descriptions of settings and characters to enhance immersion.
Employ a broader range of sensory details to enrich the atmosphere.
Deepen character development with additional backstory elements or internal monologues.
Experiment with sentence structure and vary syntax for more dynamic prose.
Expand your vocabulary to include more nuanced expressions of emotion and action.
Encouragingly, you have a strong foundation and a clear talent for storytelling. With focused refinement, your narratives can achieve even greater impact and resonance.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
John surveyed the battlefield with a languid gaze, his sense of purpose dulled amidst the chaos of war. Surrounded by the remnants of what seemed like countless enemy soldiers, he felt an overwhelming desire to return home. Beside him, his closest companion, Jack, stood as the only other survivor from their squad. The ground was littered with the fallen, making survival seem like a distant dream.
Glancing at Jack, John whispered urgently, “We must retreat at once!” Jack’s eyes swept the horizon, seeing nothing but the chilling hue of blood staining the lifeless forms around them.
As they stealthily made their way back, a haunting silence enveloped them—a stark contrast to the recent cacophony of war. Their hearts sank as they realized they were walking into an ambush. Encircled by enemy troops just shy of their base, John knew that escape would compromise their covert sanctuary.
Jack murmured, “Run, I’ll hold them off,” his voice barely a breath in the chilling air. John’s refusal was instant, unwilling to abandon his friend to fate. Yet, as Jack insisted, pushing John away and opening fire, time seemed to dilate, filled with reflections of shared memories and the stark reality of their situation.
With a heavy heart, John sprinted towards safety, the sounds of gunfire fading behind him. He carried with him the weight of loss and the relief of survival, haunted by the sacrifice that had granted him freedom.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GtFsGnJMH8Y7SBpgjkoUJEeVgHDFkWJpvhdQjbI7CDU/edit?usp=sharing
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 9/10
Your narrative presents two compelling scenarios that explore the theme of choice under pressure, showcasing your ability to weave interesting plots. In the first story, the stark choice between self-preservation and altruism in a war-torn setting creates a gripping tension. However, the abrupt transition between John and Tim’s perspectives can momentarily confuse readers. To enhance clarity and flow, consider gradually leading into each character’s thought process. For instance, “John’s eyes locked with Tim’s, each man’s fate hanging in the balance, reflecting the turmoil within.”
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
You effectively use descriptions to add depth to your characters, such as John’s “emerald green eyes” and the “murky brown gun.” These details vividly set the scene and contribute to character development. To further enhance the immersive experience, consider elaborating on the sensory experiences associated with these descriptions. For example, “The cold steel of the murky brown gun weighed heavily in John’s hand, a tangible reminder of the choices that lay before him.”
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 7/10
Your use of sensory language, particularly in setting the sombre mood of the battlefield, is commendable. Phrases like “the edge of the blood-stained battlefield” vividly conjure the scene. To elevate your narrative further, incorporate more varied sensory details that engage all five senses. For instance, “The acrid smell of gunpowder and the coppery scent of blood filled the air, as distant cries of anguish echoed, blurring into the chaos that surrounded them.”
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
The emotional turmoil experienced by John and Sarah is palpable, making for a compelling read. Your narrative effectively conveys their inner conflicts. However, to deepen the emotional resonance, more insight into their past experiences and motivations could be beneficial. For example, “Sarah’s fingers lingered on the ivory keys, each note a whisper of her dreams clashing with the weight of her parents’ expectations.”
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative demonstrates a strong grasp of grammar and syntax, with fluid sentence structures that generally enhance readability. To further refine your writing, pay close attention to the consistency of tense and the clarity of complex sentences. For instance, “Tim watched as his wife consumed their provisions, leaving none for their children, a decision that haunted him as he surveyed the battlefield.”
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of words effectively conveys the narratives’ tones and themes. However, expanding your vocabulary can add nuance and depth to your writing.
“agonizing,” Synonym: “torturous”
“deafening,” Synonym: “ear-splitting”
“surged,” Synonym: “cascaded”
“wretched,” Synonym: “miserable”
“talented,” Synonym: “gifted”
Detailed Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative captures the essence of human conflict and the weight of decision-making in critical moments. The engaging plot and character development invite readers into the inner worlds of John, Tim, and Sarah, evoking empathy and reflection. To elevate your narrative further:
Ensure smoother transitions between characters’ perspectives to maintain clarity and engagement.
Incorporate a broader range of sensory details to fully immerse readers in the scenes you paint.
Delve deeper into characters’ backstories and motivations to enhance emotional depth and investment.
Maintain consistency in tense and syntax to ensure the narrative flows smoothly.
Expand your vocabulary to enrich the narrative’s texture and convey more precise emotional nuances.
Your stories are compelling and thought-provoking, demonstrating a keen understanding of human emotions and the dilemmas faced in extreme circumstances. With focused refinement in the areas mentioned, your writing can achieve even greater impact and resonance.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten Narrative
John stood at the battlefield’s brink, his heart echoing the tumult around him. Emerald eyes swept over the desolation, resting on Tim’s gaze, a mirror of despair amidst the chaos. Their bond, forged in the crucible of war, now faced its ultimate test. With a single bullet in his weathered rifle, John grappled with the harrowing choice: salvation for his comrade or a solitary chance at survival.
Tim’s thoughts were a maelstrom of regret and resolve, his family’s plight a stark backdrop to the battlefield’s carnage. The vision of his wife, consuming their last reserves, underscored the grim reality: survival was a luxury they could ill afford. Amidst the echoes of conflict, Tim’s resolve hardened; his sacrifice would be his legacy.
Sarah, in contrast, faced a battlefield of her own. The keys of her piano, once doors to freedom, now felt like chains. Her parents’ dreams, cast in the rigid mould of medicine, clashed with the melodies of her soul. The weight of expectation bore down on her, a symphony of duty and desire playing out in her heart.
In these tales of choice and sacrifice, your characters navigate the treacherous waters of fate, their decisions a testament to the human spirit’s complexity. By delving deeper into their fears and hopes, their journeys can illuminate the universal struggle between duty and desire, casting a light on the paths we choose in the shadow of great challenges.
I did 2 topics not one. Sorry.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oK41NDqdkyd33P3hT9V37jGNuYUexf1o55CfYL6PsCQ/edit?usp=sharing
– Isabella Wang Topic 1 Homework
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative skillfully juxtaposes the serene beauty of a setting sun against the harsh reality of a battlefield, effectively setting a dramatic tone from the outset. This contrast not only captures the reader’s attention but also prepares them for the emotional journey that follows. The progression from the broader context of war to the personal sacrifice of Captain George Harrison provides a strong structural backbone. However, the transition between the opening scene and the subsequent action could be smoother to enhance the overall flow. For instance, integrating more direct connections between the serene imagery and the ensuing chaos might strengthen the narrative’s cohesion.
Body Reactions, Outfits and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
The description of Captain Harrison, “His camouflaging military uniform was bound with sweat and blood,” vividly captures the physical toll of warfare. This, along with the weight of his backpack, laden with a poignant reminder of loss, powerfully conveys the character’s burden. To further enhance your narrative, consider expanding on the sensory experiences associated with these elements. Describing the texture, weight, and even the smell of the uniform and backpack could deepen the reader’s immersion in the story.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of vivid imagery, particularly in the opening line, “The setting sun’s beauty adorned the tranquil ocean with a tapestry of fiery hues,” effectively sets a visually striking scene. To build on this strength, incorporating additional sensory details that engage the senses beyond sight could enrich the narrative. For example, the sound of the battlefield, the taste of fear, or the tactile sensation of holding onto hope amidst despair would provide a more immersive experience.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
You’ve compellingly portrayed Captain Harrison and Sergeant Thompson’s bond, highlighting themes of loyalty, sacrifice, and the human cost of conflict. The emotional depth of Harrison’s decision-making process, juxtaposed with his memories and the wisdom imparted by his commander, adds layers to his character. To further deepen the emotional impact, exploring the internal conflicts and vulnerabilities of both Harrison and Thompson could provide a more nuanced understanding of their characters and the choices they face.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative demonstrates a good command of grammar and syntax, with fluid sentence structures that generally enhance the storytelling. To improve, pay attention to punctuation and sentence variation to avoid run-on sentences and ensure clarity. For instance, the use of commas and semicolons could help in delineating complex ideas more effectively.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Tranquil, Synonym: Serene
Adorned, Synonym: Embellished
Unwavering, Synonym: Steadfast
Poignant, Synonym: Heartrending
Platoon, Synonym: Deploy (Note: “Platooned” seems to be a misuse; perhaps “deployed” was intended?)
Your narrative is a compelling tale of contrasts, heroism, and the human spirit. The juxtaposition of the serene and the chaotic, the personal and the universal, provides a rich tapestry for exploring themes of sacrifice, loyalty, and the cost of war. To elevate your writing further:
Enhance the connection between your vivid descriptions and the narrative’s emotional journey.
Incorporate more varied sensory details to deepen reader immersion.
Explore the characters’ internal conflicts and vulnerabilities to enrich their development.
Pay careful attention to punctuation and sentence structure to improve readability and flow.
Expand your vocabulary to include more nuanced expressions of emotion and setting.
Overall Score: 40/50
Encouragingly, your narrative foundation is strong, and with refinement in the areas highlighted, your storytelling can reach new heights of impact and resonance.
Rewritten:
The descending sun cast a resplendent veil of fiery hues across the serene ocean, a stark antithesis to the tumult of the battlefield. Amidst a cacophony of rage and warfare, beauty was a distant memory. Captain George Harrison, a figure of respect and adherence to the codes of honour and loyalty, bore the scars of battle not only on his sweat and blood-soaked military attire but within the depths of his soul. His shoulders, laden with a backpack containing a sombre token of his fallen brother, bore the weight of loss and duty. Despite the physical toll, his determination to return to his mother, burdened with his brother’s legacy, remained unwavering.
His commander’s words, a mantra for preserving humanity in the face of dehumanisation, resonated within him. Alongside Sergeant Alex Thompson, his stalwart companion, Harrison had navigated the harrows of war with a steadfast heart. Yet, never had he been ensnared in such a dire predicament as now, with Thompson’s life hanging by a thread, victim to the unforgiving volley of enemy fire.
“In war, the folly lies in coveting ground that shall not be ours to keep, risking all we hold dear,” the commander’s wisdom echoed, a guiding light amidst despair. Harrison, kneeling beside his struggling comrade, faced the ultimate test of loyalty and sacrifice.
With a resolve fortified by bonds of brotherhood, Harrison diverted the enemy’s focus, a sacrifice to grant Thompson a fleeting chance at survival. His act, a testament to the belief that the essence of heroism lies not in the glory of battle but in the sacrifices made for a greater good.
“You are never too heavy for me, brother,” Harrison’s whisper, a farewell to a world he was prepared to leave behind for the sake of another. His final moments, a poignant blend of resignation and peace, heralded his journey to the afterlife, a hero in the truest sense.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zqVW8336xq9cpcZL4hx95E6hvPzi3kJzk4pT3oNbklo/edit?usp=sharing
– Isabella Wang Topic 2 Homework
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure
Score: 8/10: Your narrative commendably unfolds an emotionally charged story, weaving the intricate dilemmas faced by Emily Johnson with finesse. The juxtaposition of Emily’s dream against her familial responsibilities creates a poignant tension that is the hallmark of engaging storytelling. For instance, the moment where Emily contemplates between the allure of ballet and the pressing need to care for her ailing family encapsulates the essence of her internal conflict beautifully. However, the narrative could benefit from a clearer delineation of events to enhance coherence and the reader’s engagement. Further refinement in the sequencing of events could elevate the storytelling, ensuring a smoother narrative flow and reinforcing the emotional impact on the reader.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description
Score: 8/10: The description of Emily’s interaction with the environment, particularly the beach scene, vividly captures her physical presence in the setting. The detail of “little water droplets down her thongs” vividly conveys her physical interaction with the waves, grounding her emotional turmoil in a tangible reality. To deepen the reader’s connection with Emily, consider expanding on descriptions of her physical reactions in moments of intense emotion. Describing her bodily responses during crucial decisions or revealing her attire during significant moments could further humanise her, making her struggles even more palpable.
Vivid and Sensory Language
Score: 9/10: Your use of sensory language, such as “the mighty ocean waves stood like majestic kings,” effectively immerses the reader in the scene, evoking a rich tapestry of sights, sounds, and sensations. This skillful deployment of vivid imagery enriches the narrative, inviting the reader to experience the story’s world as tangibly as Emily does. To further enhance this aspect, incorporating more varied sensory details, such as tactile sensations, smells, and tastes, could provide a more immersive experience, making the settings and emotions even more lifelike.
Character Development and Emotional Impact
Score: 8/10: The portrayal of Emily’s emotional journey showcases significant character development, particularly her struggle with choosing between personal aspirations and familial obligations. The narrative effectively captures the essence of her turmoil, as seen when she grapples with her decision against the backdrop of her brother’s declining health. To amplify the emotional impact, delving deeper into Emily’s reflections and the ramifications of her choices on her psyche and future could offer a more nuanced exploration of her character, fostering a deeper empathy and connection from the reader.
Grammar and Syntax
Score: 4/5: The narrative demonstrates a commendable grasp of grammar and syntax, facilitating a smooth reading experience. However, enhancing sentence variety and complexity could enrich the text’s rhythm and flow. For instance, varying sentence structures and lengths can add dynamism to the narrative, making it more engaging and reflective of the emotional nuances within the story.
Vocabulary
Score: 4/5
Ebbed, Synonym: Receded
Majestic, Synonym: Grand
Poignant, Synonym: Touching
Juxtaposition, Synonym: Contrast
Tangible, Synonym: Palpable
Detailed Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative compellingly delves into the complexities of human emotion and the intricate dance between duty and desire. The vivid sensory descriptions and the emotional depth of character development stand out as strengths, engaging the reader’s senses and empathy effectively. To elevate your narrative further, consider:
Enhancing the plot’s coherence with clearer event sequencing and transitions.
Expanding on physical descriptions to deepen character relatability.
Incorporating a broader range of sensory details for a more immersive reading experience.
Exploring the emotional and psychological landscapes of your characters more deeply.
Refining sentence structures for improved readability and impact.
Encouragingly, your narrative foundation is strong, and with targeted refinements, your storytelling can achieve even greater heights. Keep exploring the depths of your characters’ emotions and the richness of your settings to captivate your readers fully.
Overall Score: 41
Rewritten
In the golden embrace of the sun, Emily Johnson found a momentary sanctuary, its radiant beams casting a welcoming glow that seemed to embrace her very being. The beach, with its symphony of tiny, sunlit grains of sand, sang a melody that resonated within her, touching the deepest chords of her soul. Along the shore, the ocean’s waves, regal and mighty, caressed the golden sands in a tender, frothy kiss, proclaiming the sand as the unsung hero of this coastal realm, a symbol of hope and yearning.
As she playfully splashed the water, droplets danced along her sandals, mirroring the tumultuous choice that lay before her. The relentless crashing of waves against the shore offered a semblance of calm to her stormy thoughts.
Renowned for her grace as a ballerina, Emily harboured dreams of joining the prestigious Juilliard School of Dance. Yet, her family’s frail health, shadowed by the spectre of time, demanded a different path. With her parents’ twilight years approaching and her brother battling the relentless tide of cystic fibrosis, Emily stood at life’s crossroads as a scholarship from Juilliard beckoned. The weight of her family’s needs and her own aspirations balanced precariously in her heart.
Faced with the harrowing choice between familial duty and the pursuit of her dreams, Emily’s decision seemed to oscillate with each passing moment. Her brother’s urgent need for a lung transplant brought her dilemma into sharp relief.
Amidst the ebb and flow of the ocean, a symbol of the constant push and pull within her, Emily found a moment’s peace. The decision, fraught with sacrifice and love, crystallised in her mind. Choosing the path of medicine meant setting aside her ballet dreams, a decision made tangible by her own breathlessness, a stark reminder of the physical demands of ballet she could no longer meet.
In the quiet of the hospital, as she awaited the surgery that would determine her brother’s fate, Emily’s choice was clear. Her future lay in the healing arts, a testament to the love she bore for her family, even as the echoes of her ballet dreams lingered in the recesses of her heart.
Topic 1
W3 Plots
Hello! We already sent the feedback for this writing submission.
Heres my week 3 writing homework
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KGxElIRjlZDd8cxjwDjO0ROI2pQu4vfrqNr3kMwSUoc/edit
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
ALEX WEEK 3
The Crushed Dreams
Ponder, think, ponder. Emily was perpetually walking back and forth contemplating about the current situation she was in. She would be jeopardizing her dreams or jeopardizing her family’s well needed care or even both at the same time! Her family had their faith in their future generation, which is Emily, and raised a well-mannered young lady to take care of them when they were in their golden age. Emily could inference it through their expressions and looks when studying and observing her parents. To Emily, they were as troublesome as a brick wall standing between her destiny that lied ahead. After countless conversations it all ended the same, “would you like us to starve?” This was Emily’s concern.
Emily’s parents migrated from China to Australia when Emily was in kindergarten. Due to this migration their language barrier is quite evident which makes them financially poor, and they are poverty-stricken, but her parents believed that if Emily followed the path, they had set for her, then they could all live joyous lives without a problem. Emily’s family was a caring and hospitable type even if the situation was rough most of the time. Emily, when she was younger, even thought they were the center of her world but as she grew up, her mind had a more profound thinking and could see right through the kind – hearted parents she once had. Emily had an urge to enter one of the top universities to study art as she had an innate ability in the field of art, but it would pierce her heart to hear the frustrating cries from her parents every day. On the other hand, her parents’ expectations for Emily were for her to study the field of lawyer or medicine, but Emily tried to nudge that thought away.
As time dripped through the drain like rainwater, she developed more conflict with her slacking parents and the turmoil were at its peak. Emily knew that her parent’s couldn’t take care of themselves especially with the language barriers but Emily had an urge to fly into her dreams landing softly and comfortably in the bouncing clouds. One day when Emily stroked another conversation about her dreams and her parents’ hopes, she was thinking to take the path of the conversation into another route by setting out a bright and hopeful future to get her parents on the same page, but they went on nagging like ferocious lions in the wild woods. The conflict was clearly building.
Their frowns were oblivious, and their steam blew out of their ears like a steam train. The quarrel clearly wasn’t going anywhere so Emily succumbed to defeat and sobbed in her room. She was torn paper thrown into a rubbish bin. Her ideas of her future crumbled and her hopes for a joyous life was soon turning into a grim grave site. It was a horrific and gruesome site for both sides. Emily and her parents just couldn’t make the ends meet but instead they bred an immortal turmoil lasting for ages to come.
Her parents crawled to Emily’s room to check on her, hoping she would calm down, but the tearful drops weren’t stopping. Hours passed when Emily stared at her past and all her family did for her. Maybe they weren’t all that bad. She decided to set a plan for her family and compromise for her immature actions. She came back into the spotlight and apologized for all the bad times she made with her parents. She told her parents the plan which was to study law and it was set as a priority but after all the troublesome time she will have she will pursue her dreams and apply for a job while embracing her original plan. Her parents agreed to this, and Emily went on with her joyous life.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your narrative adeptly balances the internal conflict of Emily with her external circumstances, creating a compelling plot that draws readers into the emotional landscape of its characters. The structure, which moves from conflict to resolution, is clear and effective, providing a satisfying arc. However, the story sometimes feels rushed, particularly towards the end where Emily’s decision and its aftermath are quickly summarised. A deeper exploration of Emily’s internal deliberation before reaching her compromise could add depth to the narrative. For instance, “After countless conversations it all ended the same, ‘would you like us to starve?'” illustrates the repetitive nature of their conflict but could be expanded to show more of Emily’s thought process.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score out of 10: 7
Your descriptions provide a good sense of the characters’ emotional states, such as “their steam blew out of their ears like a steam train.” However, there’s minimal mention of physical appearance, outfits, or accessories, which could further enhance the visual imagery and deepen the reader’s connection to the characters. Expanding on these elements could add another layer of depth, for example, detailing Emily’s or her parents’ attire during significant moments could reflect their cultural background or current emotions.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score out of 10: 8
You’ve used vivid imagery effectively to convey emotions and settings, such as “flying into her dreams landing softly and comfortably in the bouncing clouds.” To further enrich your narrative, incorporating more sensory details related to touch, taste, or smell could provide a more immersive experience. Describing the physical sensations of Emily’s experiences or the atmosphere of her home could add depth, for example.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score out of 10: 9
The emotional journey of Emily and her parents is well-drawn, showing growth and change over time. The narrative successfully evokes sympathy and understanding for each character’s perspective. To enhance this further, consider showing more of the parents’ internal struggles and fears, adding complexity to their characters. This could make the resolution more impactful by highlighting the sacrifices and changes each character makes.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Overall, your narrative is well-written with few grammatical errors. However, paying attention to sentence structure to avoid run-on sentences or awkward phrasing could improve readability. For example, varying sentence lengths and structures can enhance the flow of your narrative.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of words effectively conveys the story’s emotional depth and the characters’ struggles. To elevate your narrative, consider incorporating more nuanced vocabulary that reflects the characters’ cultural backgrounds and personal growth. For example:
Turmoil, Synonym: upheaval
Compromise, Synonym: conciliation
Sobbed, Synonym: wept
Migrated, Synonym: relocated
Jeopardizing, Synonym: endangering
Conclusive Feedback:
Your narrative compellingly portrays the dilemmas faced by Emily and her family, balancing emotional depth with plot progression. The internal and external conflicts are well-articulated, drawing readers into the story. To enhance your writing:
Delve deeper into character thoughts and motivations for a richer narrative.
Include more descriptions of physical appearances and settings for visual depth.
Integrate a wider range of sensory details to enrich the narrative’s vividness.
Expand on the characters’ emotional development for greater impact.
Utilize a more varied vocabulary and sentence structure to improve the narrative’s flow and readability.
These adjustments can elevate your storytelling, making the emotional journey more immersive and the characters’ resolutions more satisfying.
Overall score: 40/50
Rewritten:
Pondering deeply, Emily meandered back and forth, her mind ensnared by the predicament she faced. At stake were her dreams and her family’s essential care—perhaps even both. Her parents, having placed their future hopes in her, watched with expectant eyes, their silent glances as imposing as a barrier to her destined path. Despite endless dialogues, the conclusion was invariably heart-wrenching, encapsulated in their desperate query, “would you like us to starve?”
The family’s journey from China to Australia, undertaken when Emily was but a kindergartener, had introduced significant hurdles, not least a pronounced language barrier that relegated them to financial hardship. Yet, in their adversity, their caring and hospitable nature never waned. Emily’s adolescence was filled with adoration for her parents, but with maturity came a stark realisation of the sacrifices they endured.
Harbouring a profound passion for art, Emily aspired to attend a prestigious university, despite her parents’ dreams of her pursuing law or medicine. This divergence of aspirations sowed the seeds of conflict, exacerbated by her parents’ inability to navigate life in Australia due to linguistic challenges.
As tensions escalated, discussions about Emily’s future resembled wild, unyielding storms, leaving no room for consensus. Overwhelmed by despair, Emily retreated, feeling as discarded as a piece of torn paper. Yet, in the solitude of her room, reflections on her family’s sacrifices sparked a revelation. Recognising the depth of their love and dedication, she resolved to forge a compromise.
Emerging with renewed purpose, Emily presented a plan: she would prioritise studying law, securing their immediate future, while also nurturing her artistic aspirations. This gesture of reconciliation, born from a blend of respect for her heritage and commitment to her dreams, paved the way for a harmonious resolution.
With this accord, Emily embarked on a journey marked by both duty and passion, a testament to the strength derived from understanding and compromise.
Week 3 Year 6 Scholarship Writing Homework
My Homework
Dream or Duty
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure
Score: 9/10
Your narrative effectively balances the tension between personal dreams and familial obligations, creating a compelling plot that resonates with readers. The storyline, where the protagonist is caught in a dilemma between pursuing her artistic aspirations in Costa Rica and staying to support her struggling family, is engaging and well-developed. The phrase, “Fame and dreams or duty and complaisance,” succinctly captures the essence of her conflict, demonstrating a clear plot trajectory. To further enhance the structure, consider deepening the exploration of the protagonist’s internal conflict and resolution. This could involve adding scenes that show her decision-making process, possibly through dialogue or inner monologue, to give readers a more intimate look at her struggles and eventual decision.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description
Score: 8/10
The description of the protagonist’s emotional state through physical reactions, such as tears streaming down her rosy cheeks, effectively conveys her inner turmoil. However, the narrative could benefit from more detailed descriptions of her physical appearance, outfits, or accessories that might reflect her personality or emotional state. For example, incorporating details about a cherished piece of jewelry that signifies her artistic dreams or a family heirloom that symbolizes her familial ties could add depth to her character. Expanding on these elements can enhance the reader’s connection to the protagonist and provide further insight into her values and conflicts.
Vivid and Sensory Language
Score: 8/10
Your use of vivid and sensory language, as seen in “a gushing river filled with its vigorous emotion,” significantly enriches the narrative, drawing readers into the protagonist’s emotional landscape. To build upon this strength, consider incorporating more sensory details that engage all five senses. Descriptions of the sounds of the family restaurant, the smells from the hospital, or the tactile experience of creating art could further immerse readers in the world you’ve created and heighten the emotional impact of the story.
Character Development and Emotional Impact
Score: 8/10
The emotional depth and complexity of the protagonist are well established, particularly through her grappling with a heart-wrenching decision. The narrative effectively portrays her as a multi-dimensional character torn between duty and passion. To enhance character development, you could delve deeper into her past experiences, family dynamics, and the influences that shaped her artistic aspirations. This background information would provide a more comprehensive understanding of her motivations and make her emotional journey even more impactful for readers.
Grammar and Syntax
Score: 4/5
The narrative is generally well-written, with a few minor areas for improvement in grammar and syntax. The sentence, “Then her father uses his daily income to pay for daughter tuition and practices fasting to allow for her daughter to just succeed in class,” could be revised for clarity and grammatical accuracy. Consider rephrasing it to, “Then, her father uses his daily income to pay for her tuition and practices fasting, allowing her to succeed in class.” Attention to such details will enhance the readability and flow of your narrative.
Vocabulary
Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys the narrative’s emotional tone and the protagonist’s internal conflict. However, expanding your lexicon can add further nuance and depth to your writing.
Melancholy, Synonym: Despondency
Gushing, Synonym: Torrential
Torn, Synonym: Conflicted
Succumb, Synonym: Yield
Prestigious, Synonym: Esteemed
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative compellingly explores the tension between personal aspirations and familial responsibilities, engaging readers with its emotional depth and vivid imagery. To elevate your writing further, consider incorporating more detailed descriptions of physical settings and characters, using sensory details to enhance the narrative’s immersive quality. Deepening the protagonist’s background and her emotional journey can also add complexity to the story. Paying attention to grammar and syntax will improve readability, while expanding your vocabulary can add sophistication to your writing.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Integrate more detailed physical descriptions and sensory details to enrich the narrative’s atmosphere.
Delve deeper into the protagonist’s backstory and motivations to enhance character development.
Use dialogue or inner monologue to explore the protagonist’s decision-making process.
Address minor grammatical and syntactical errors to improve overall clarity and flow.
Expand your vocabulary to include more nuanced and sophisticated language, enhancing the narrative’s depth.
Encouragingly, your narrative foundation is strong, and with targeted refinements, it has the potential to become even more compelling and impactful. Keep exploring the depths of your characters’ emotions and motivations, and continue to hone your descriptive skills to fully engage your readers.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten Essay
Her seat became a sanctuary of solitude, where tears, heavy with sorrow, traced paths down cheeks flushed with the bloom of youth, mirroring the fervent rush of a river in spate. Caught in a maelithe between yielding to her family’s plight by pursuing academia for a lucrative career, and defying her parents’ wishes to seek refuge in the vibrant heart of Costa Rica’s art scene, she found herself at life’s crossroads.
The shadows of familial hardship had long cast their pall over her existence. Her father, a tireless sentinel at their modest eatery, barely managed to furnish a single meal, whilst her mother and brother languished in the sterile confines of a hospital, their spirits sapped by cancer’s cruel siege. In a sacrificial gesture, he diverted every penny towards her education, embracing fasting as a means to fuel her academic success.
Yet, amidst these tribulations lay an extraordinary invitation from Master Donovan Da Vinci’s esteemed academy of arts, a beacon for aspiring artists. Recognised for her innate talent, she stood on the cusp of a journey that promised to sculpt her into a maestro, her name synonymous with artistic brilliance. The allure of Costa Rica was not just an escape but a pivotal chance to weave her dreams into reality.
Torn between the allure of fame and the weight of duty, she grappled with a choice that bore the weight of her family’s future and her unbridled aspirations. The ethical path seemed to champion self-sacrifice for her beleaguered kin, yet for a soul of eighteen, awash in the tumult of such an epochal decision, the cost was not just personal; it was a forfeiture of her dreams, a denial of her very essence.
Thus, she teetered on the brink, each fissure in her resolve echoing the chasm’s menacing void, its shadows a haunting spectre of what might be lost or gained. With courage as her compass, she endeavoured to navigate this tempest of uncertainty, balancing the lifelines of her loved ones against the call of her artistic spirit, her journey a testament to the resilience of the human heart.
Topic 2
A whimsical symphony of mellifluous sound cascaded like a resplendent waterfall in the backyard of Emily’s house. heavenly notes waltzed around in the air like radiant fireflies, all swirling around her sacred fingers that strummed the intricate strings of her antique violin as if they were powered by ichor. A aromatic fragrance of honeysuckles and nectar permeated the air with dreamy illusions, wonderful fantasies and wishes. It was like the entire garden was under a hex, all mesmerized by the beautiful music that was erupting from the violin’s strings.
Emily had always been a violin fanatic. Ever since she first saw an orchestra play, she was engulfed by the wonderful world of music. It had always been her dream to become a professional musician and be taught under the guidance of the famous violin player Joshua Bell. She toiled for many fleeting years to develop a complete mastery over the alabaster strings of her valuable instrument, working tooth and nail to fulfill her dreams. She wasn’t like her parents who were middle-class office workers, Emily was destined for greatness.
But her musical talent wasn’t her only specialty. She had always exceled in academics in school, smashing test after test and subject after subject. But she had always treated this academic prowess a plan B is her goal to become a violinist fails. Her power-hungry parents had always wanted her to become a doctor so that they could rise up the social food chain. Emily always denied them this, knowing that her dreams were special and could never be destroyed.
The mail came later that day, Emily receiving her batch of padded envelopes to read. She scanned through them, some were messages from her friends and some were alerts of theft at her school. Finally, she read who the last envelope was from and punched the air.
“Mum! Dad! I got an offer to be tutored by Joshua bell!” Emily screamed, her voice ear-splitting.
Her yell was followed by a deafening silence.
“W-what?” her mother stammered, “You know you have to become a doctor right?”
“You’re not letting me follow my dream? Why?” Emily argued, clearly upset that her mother disagreed with her.
“Because of your brother, he is sick and we can not pay for the treatment.”
Emily was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Joshua might except another student if she canceled to become a doctor, but her brother would die if she choose to follow her dream. It was her entire life against her brother’s, loneliness against guilt. An idea slowly formed inside her mind. She followed her dreams and became a popular violin player as fast as she could. She used the money she earned at her concerts to pay for the brother’s surgery. But it was too late.
“Sorry, but the tumor has spread too much, it would kill him,” the doctor explained.
The crushing guilt enshrouded Emily. How could she risk her brother’s life just to pursue her dreams.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative embarks on a compelling journey, intricately weaving the aspirations and dilemmas faced by Emily, a character with a profound passion for the violin. The plot is engaging, drawing readers into a world where ambition clashes with familial obligations. A particularly striking moment is when Emily receives the offer from Joshua Bell, which serves as a pivotal point in the storyline. To enhance the narrative’s flow and coherence, consider introducing foreshadowing elements early on to hint at the impending conflict surrounding her brother’s illness, thereby adding depth to the plot’s development.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
The narrative delicately touches upon Emily’s interactions with her environment, especially through the mesmerizing description of her playing the violin. However, there’s a missed opportunity to delve into the physical descriptions and emotional reactions of characters in key moments. For example, when Emily receives the life-changing offer, detailing her physical reaction or describing her attire could heighten the emotional impact. Expanding on the descriptions of characters’ outfits or accessories during significant events could further immerse readers in your vividly crafted world.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of vivid and sensory language, such as in the opening description of the “whimsical symphony” and the “aromatic fragrance of honeysuckles,” beautifully sets the scene, engaging the reader’s senses. To further enrich your narrative, consider incorporating more varied sensory details throughout the story, especially in scenes of emotional turmoil or joy. This could involve describing the textures, sounds, or even the taste of moments, offering a more immersive experience.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
Emily’s character arc is deeply moving, showcasing her growth and the heart-wrenching decisions she must face. The emotional weight of her choices, especially the final decision regarding her brother’s health, leaves a lasting impression. To deepen the emotional resonance, providing more insight into Emily’s inner conflicts and vulnerabilities throughout the narrative could offer readers a closer connection to her journey. Expanding on her relationships with other characters would also add layers to the emotional landscape of your story.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative demonstrates a strong command of grammar and syntax, with sentences flowing smoothly and effectively conveying the story’s essence. There are moments, however, where the sentence structure could be varied to enhance readability and pacing. For instance, shorter, more impactful sentences could be used to heighten tension or excitement in climactic moments.
Vocabulary – Score: 5/5
Your choice of vocabulary is exquisite, painting vivid pictures and evoking deep emotions. Words such as “mellifluous,” “resplendent,” and “ichor” add a layer of sophistication to your narrative. To maintain this high level of linguistic finesse, consider the following synonyms:
Whimsical, Synonym: Capricious
Mellifluous, Synonym: Dulcet
Resplendent, Synonym: Radiant
Antique, Synonym: Vintage
Aromatic, Synonym: Fragrant
In conclusion, your narrative is a testament to your creative prowess, captivating readers with its blend of passion, conflict, and emotional depth. To elevate your writing further, consider incorporating more detailed descriptions of characters’ physical reactions and attire, introducing foreshadowing elements for a smoother plot progression, and deepening the exploration of character relationships. Additionally, varying sentence structures to match the narrative’s emotional beats could enhance the overall impact. Your commitment to vivid storytelling and emotional resonance is commendable, promising an even richer narrative experience with these refinements.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten
A symphony of enchanting sounds cascaded through Emily’s garden, resembling a magnificent waterfall. Heavenly melodies danced in the air, akin to luminous fireflies, all converging around her blessed fingers as they expertly navigated the antique violin’s strings, infused with divine essence. The air was saturated with the dreamy scents of honeysuckles and nectar, conjuring illusions of fantastical realms and desires, as if the garden itself were spellbound by the violin’s soul-stirring music.
Ever captivated by the violin’s allure, Emily’s ambition had always been to master its complexities under the mentorship of the esteemed Joshua Bell. Her dedication was unwavering, her determination set her apart from her more conventional parents. Her academic brilliance, although impressive, was merely a fallback should her musical dreams falter, a stark contrast to her parents’ aspirations for her in the medical field.
The day’s mail brought an assortment of envelopes, among them, a life-changing offer from Joshua Bell himself, igniting a tumult of emotions within Emily. Yet, this joy was short-lived as familial obligations surfaced, revealing her brother’s grave illness—a dilemma that threatened to overshadow her aspirations.
Torn between her lifelong dream and her brother’s dire need, Emily embarked on a desperate quest to achieve musical success, hoping to finance her brother’s treatment. Despite her efforts, the harsh reality confronted her; it was too late. The guilt of her choice enveloped her, a poignant reminder of the sacrifices made in the pursuit of one’s dreams.
My Homework 2
The Scientist
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative does an excellent job of setting up a high-stakes scenario that captures the reader’s attention from the beginning. The dilemma faced by Martin Green, torn between saving his family and the world, is a compelling foundation for the story. However, the plot could benefit from clearer progression and resolution hints, offering the reader a more defined sense of direction. For instance, “The universe’s fate lay in its hands, and the scientist’s hands,” effectively conveys the gravity of the situation but could be followed by more insight into Martin’s thought process or potential solutions to build anticipation.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
You vividly describe Martin’s physical responses to his dilemma, such as the beads of sweat and his trembling hands, which effectively conveys his anxiety and the weight of his decision. To enrich your narrative further, consider incorporating descriptions of his attire or any symbolic items he might carry, adding depth to his character and the setting. For example, “His sweaty hands rested on the mahogany table,” could include details about the wear on his lab coat or a significant item he carries, symbolising his journey or personal values.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of sensory language, particularly in describing the machine’s changing colours and the physical sensations experienced by Martin, is highly effective in drawing readers into the scene. “It flashed and flickered menacingly with its warm and bright lustre, changing from blood red to a tranquil blue,” is a standout phrase. To amplify this strength, incorporating smells, sounds, and tactile sensations associated with the lab or the machine could further immerse the reader in the story’s world.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
Martin’s internal conflict is palpable, providing a solid foundation for character development and emotional engagement. “In his head he was tugged by greed and selfishness and kindness and selflessness,” poignantly highlights his turmoil. Deepening the exploration of his motivations, fears, and background would enhance the emotional resonance, giving readers a more intimate understanding of his struggles and stakes involved.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative demonstrates a strong grasp of grammar and syntax, with complex sentence structures that reflect the complexity of Martin’s situation. However, attention to smoother sentence transitions and varied sentence lengths could enhance readability and flow. For instance, “The renowned scientist couldn’t choose whether to help his father and family from destitute and certain starvation or the world’s most perilous illness that he brought upon the world,” could be streamlined for clarity and impact.
Vocabulary – Score: 5/5
Enraptured, Synonym: Captivated
Malevolent, Synonym: Malicious
Tapestry, Synonym: Mosaic
Besmirched, Synonym: Tarnished
Cognizance, Synonym: Awareness
Your choice of vocabulary is one of the strengths of your narrative, adding to the richness and depth of the storytelling. Words like “malevolent,” “tapestry,” and “besmirched” not only convey precise meanings but also enhance the narrative’s tone and atmosphere.
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative is a compelling and intricately woven tale that effectively uses vivid descriptions, complex characters, and a gripping plot to engage the reader. The emotional depth and moral dilemmas faced by the protagonist are particularly noteworthy, offering a rich canvas for exploration. To elevate your writing further, consider focusing on clearer plot progression, deeper character insights, and more varied sensory details. Incorporating more descriptions of settings, characters’ appearances, and emotional nuances can enrich the narrative’s vividness and emotional impact. Balancing the complexity of sentences and ensuring smooth transitions will enhance readability and keep readers fully engaged in your story.
To improve your writing:
Integrate clearer plot milestones and foreshadowing to guide the reader through the narrative.
Expand on character backstories and motivations to deepen reader investment.
Employ a broader range of sensory details to fully immerse the reader in the setting.
Utilise varied sentence structures to enhance the narrative flow and readability.
Reflect on character development through actions and decisions, providing a clearer arc of growth or change.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
His gaze was fixed on the horizon, entrapped by the sinister charm of hesitation. Sweat cascaded from his brow, his legs shaking, seized by the agony of choice before him. There stood a machine, a marvel of his intellect, pulsating ominously, its glow shifting from a sinister red to a calming blue. This contraption, a web of intricate wires, confounded its users with a moral quandary: to harness it for benevolence or malevolence. The fate of the cosmos was intertwined with that of Martin Green, the scientist at its helm, torn between altruism and self-interest, a whirlwind of conflicting emotions raging within him.
His hands, clammy with perspiration, found solace on a mahogany table, a relic of his lineage’s craftsmanship. Martin, progeny of an impoverished carpenter, drew inspiration from this table, a symbol of his humble origins and his drive. His father’s plight, teetering on the brink of poverty, weighed heavily on him. Yet, a more formidable adversary loomed—a pandemic of his inadvertent creation, threatening to unravel humanity itself.
Compelled to reconcile his past missteps with the impending catastrophe, Martin faced an excruciating decision. With but a single opportunity to wield his creation, the choice was stark: to save his dying father or to confront the global crisis he had unwittingly unleashed.
In this crucible of despair, Martin’s intellect and creativity were his only allies. Tears, born of the overwhelming burden of billions of lives and the fate of his own family, marked his visage, a testament to the harrowing choice that lay in his weary hands.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sj8ZyPJVM0xpy7LDIb6OkbWJL0Mbhv1Z1DMaUp1nuDY/edit?usp=sharing
– Isabella Wang Topic 3 Homework
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative weaves an intriguing tale of Dr. Jane Smith, a scientist on the cusp of a revolutionary invention while battling personal and ethical dilemmas. The progression from her struggles to the pivotal decision she faces introduces a compelling conflict. However, the transition between scenes can be smoother, especially when introducing the company Lacklustre and its intentions. By refining how elements are introduced, such as the revelation about Lacklustre’s misuse of inventions, you can enhance the narrative’s flow and keep the reader engaged. For instance, integrating foreshadowing earlier could create a more cohesive plot.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
The description of Dr. Smith’s appearance and attire vividly captures her eccentric character and tumultuous life. The use of phrases like “ashen lab coat” and “octopus tentacle-like wisps of grey hair” effectively paints a picture of her as a mad scientist archetype. To further enrich your narrative, consider adding more details about how these physical attributes change or affect her interactions with others and her environment. For example, exploring how her attire influences the perception of her colleagues or the public could add depth to her characterisation.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 7/10
You skilfully use sensory details to bring scenes to life, particularly in describing Dr. Smith’s appearance and the moments of inspiration she finds in quiet contemplation. Enhancing the narrative with more varied sensory descriptions, such as the sounds of the laboratory or the tactile sensations of her inventions, could further immerse the reader. Describing the atmosphere of the conference room or the emotional weight of her decision with richer sensory details could elevate the narrative’s impact.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
Your portrayal of Dr. Smith’s personal and professional challenges creates a strong emotional foundation for the story. The stakes are high, with her family’s well-being and ethical dilemmas at the forefront. To deepen the emotional resonance, consider providing more insight into her internal conflicts, perhaps through internal monologues or flashbacks that reveal her motivations, fears, and hopes. This can enhance the reader’s connection to her journey and the critical choices she faces.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative demonstrates a strong grasp of grammar and syntax, with sentences flowing well for the most part. However, attention to detail in editing could improve clarity and readability. For instance, ensuring consistent use of pronouns and tenses would avoid confusion, as seen in the transition from “she” to “he” during the presentation to Lacklustre.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Monetise, Synonym: Capitalise
Outlandish, Synonym: Bizarre
Creased, Synonym: Wrinkled
Solemn, Synonym: Grave
Mishaps, Synonym: Accidents
Your narrative is both imaginative and engaging, presenting a unique blend of science fiction and human drama. To elevate your writing further:
Enhance the plot’s coherence by introducing critical elements and conflicts more gradually, allowing readers to become more deeply invested in the story’s outcome.
Expand the descriptions of settings and characters, using sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
Deepen character development by exploring their internal struggles and motivations, enriching the emotional impact of their journey.
Pay closer attention to grammar and syntax to ensure clarity and consistency, enhancing the overall readability of your narrative.
Utilise a wider range of vocabulary to add nuance and depth to your descriptions and character dialogues.
Overall score: 39/50
Rewritten:
Dr Jane Smith, on the verge of renown for her pioneering weather control device, navigates the edge of madness and impoverishment, a consequence of her struggle to commercialise her extraordinary inventions. Her attire, an ashen lab coat marred with the stains of countless experiments gone awry and safety goggles seemingly fused to her from birth, casts her in the light of a stereotypical mad scientist. This image, compounded by her hair, grey and wild like octopus tentacles, and a complexion scarred by explosive experiments, mirrors the chaos of her financial predicament.
Seated at the conference table, Dr Smith allowed the serenity of her surroundings to unleash her mind’s creative potential, realising in these moments of quiet exploration lay the seeds of true innovation. Her fingers absently traced the creases of her lab coat, each stain a silent testament to her relentless pursuit of discovery.
Her presentation to the esteemed science conglomerate, Lacklustre, marked a turning point. “Your invention has the potential to revolutionise our world. We’re aware of your brother’s plight against his rare condition, and we’re prepared to offer the financial support he requires for his treatment,” Mr Michael Owen declared, his voice imbued with gravity. Jane’s elder brother, battling cystic fibrosis, and their ageing parents, faced a race against time for survival.
Yet, a shadow loomed over Lacklustre’s intentions. Recently unveiled was their clandestine use of innovations not for societal benefit, but for accruing power and dominance.
Faced with a moral quandary, Dr Smith deliberated between familial loyalty and the global implications of her decision, a choice between personal sacrifice and the broader welfare of humanity.
My Homework 3
A Soldier’s Dilemma
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative demonstrates a compelling and emotive plot, engaging the reader with its depiction of sacrifice, loyalty, and the harrowing choices faced in wartime. The storyline of General Martin and Sergeant Alex, bound by duty and friendship amidst a dire battlefield scenario, is both gripping and poignant. However, the narrative could benefit from a clearer structure to enhance the reader’s understanding of the sequence of events and the protagonists’ internal conflicts. For instance, the transition from the battlefield to Martin’s personal reflections could be more seamlessly integrated to maintain narrative flow.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
You’ve effectively used descriptions to convey the physical and emotional state of your characters, such as “The dust had accumulated on his sweaty face, which was filled with nervousness.” To further enhance your narrative, consider expanding on the descriptions of the surroundings and how they reflect the internal state of the characters. Describing the tangible weight of Martin’s gear or the way Alex’s uniform is not just bloodied but worn and tattered could add depth to the atmosphere and characterisation.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 8/10
Your use of vivid and sensory language, such as “A symphony of demise,” significantly enriches the narrative, immersing readers in the scene’s visceral intensity. To elevate your writing further, incorporate more varied sensory details that engage all the senses, painting a fuller picture of the war’s chaos and the emotional turmoil of the characters. Descriptions of the sounds of the crumbling village, the smells of smoke and blood, and the tactile sensations of the environment can create a more immersive experience.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 8/10
The emotional depth and character development are striking, particularly in the exploration of Martin’s internal conflict and his relationship with Alex. This passage effectively conveys the bond and the excruciating choices faced by soldiers. To deepen the emotional impact, consider providing more background on Martin and Alex’s friendship and their experiences leading up to this moment. Expanding on their shared memories could further humanise them and enhance the reader’s emotional investment.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your grammar and syntax are generally strong, supporting the narrative’s clarity and readability. There are moments, however, where simpler sentence structures could be varied or complex ideas more smoothly articulated to enhance readability. For instance, breaking down complex sentences into shorter, more impactful ones can help maintain momentum and emphasis.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your vocabulary is robust and appropriate to the context, contributing to the narrative’s overall tone and setting. To further enrich your writing:
Besmirched, Synonym: Tarnished
Blemished, Synonym: Marred
Inseparable, Synonym: Indivisible
Precipice, Synonym: Brink
Nostalgic, Synonym: Sentimental
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative is a powerful and evocative piece that vividly portrays the horrors of war and the profound human emotions entwined with duty and sacrifice. The deep bond between Martin and Alex, set against the backdrop of conflict, offers a poignant exploration of loyalty and choice. To elevate your writing further, consider these suggestions:
Integrate smoother transitions to enhance narrative flow.
Expand sensory descriptions to enrich the setting and emotional resonance.
Deepen character backstories to strengthen reader connection.
Employ varied sentence structures to maintain engagement.
Enrich vocabulary to add nuance to descriptions and reflections.
By addressing these areas, you can create a more immersive and emotionally compelling narrative that fully captures the complexity of war and human relationships.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
In the midst of chaos, where gunshots thundered like a grim orchestra, the battlefield lay stained with the valiant blood of patriots—a testament to their ultimate sacrifice. There, amidst the devastation, General Martin found himself ensconced, his flesh etched with wounds. Dust clung to his sweat-drenched face, etched with lines of apprehension. A village, once vibrant, now lay in ruins, its demise at the hands of terror; within its ashes, a soldier stood, credited with saving countless innocents. His gaze then fell upon Sergeant Alex, his uniform soaked with the deep red of his lifeblood, teetering on the edge of mortality. The choice was stark: save his comrade or himself. Amidst this turmoil, a fragmented directive crackled through his walkie-talkie, urging retreat, only to be cut short by the stark finality of a gunshot—their sanctuary breached.
Balanced on the precipice of decision, Martin’s world teetered. He was haunted by the memory of his family: his parents, confined by illness; his children’s plaintive cries, abandoned for duty; his wife’s struggles to sustain them. Guilt gnawed at him, casting his choices in the stark light of betrayal.
Yet, Alex offered a smile, a beacon of shared memories and unbreakable bonds formed in the innocence of their youth. Their friendship, a tightly knit pact, seemed unbreakable. Leaving Alex was unthinkable, yet attempting his rescue spelled sacrifice, not just for Martin, but for their families, each ensnared in their own battles for survival.
Amid the rubble of a shattered village, Martin grappled with an impossible decision: the salvation of his soul or the fulfillment of duty, each path fraught with loss and heartbreak. Thus, he weighed the fates in his weary hands, a testament to the enduring spirit of friendship and sacrifice.
The Ethical Dilemma Week 3 Year 6 Scholarship Writing Homework
As a Master of Science and innovations, it was no doubt that James could figure out a blue print for erecting parts to a robot. He rejoiced in his discovery and went to his lab to conduct more experiments to make sure it was safe, harmless and domestic to humans. Throughout the session of testing and precisely tracking results he was pondering if he would use this unique innovation to take a leap toward glory or a leap toward his own successful life. The tests remained positive, and the robots had no intentions on harming or exterminating humans. He rechecked the complex and difficult code stored inside the robot, and all was set. Now it was all coming down to the final question, would he use it to gain material rich or use his ethical and kind- hearted mindset to potentially unlock another field in human developement.
It was a decision to contemplate especially considering the circumstances he has to work with in everyday life. His lab was a broken – down research centre worn out years ago. It certainly wasn’t much and James certainly didn’t have much to work with in the lab. Materials were scarce and his budget was definitely not much. He was raised by a gold – hearted family who cared for James dearly. They clearly wanted James to fulfil his dreams in becoming a scientist even if they were poverty- stricken. James could still reminisce those tough days that he had to be stuck with but now it all came up to this decision.
Benefits were equally laid on each side. The desire for own wealth and material riches was hard to overcome but James’ ethical senses were urging him to present his invention to the world. This action could potentially be the answer to many problems in the world. Not only would it be the key to the visible answers for the world but it could potentially be the invention that opens up new innovations and ideas in the field of science.
He walked back home to tell his parents the new innovation he has made and what he should do with it. His parents congratulated him and his parents, although wise, were contemplating in great consideration. His parents shrugged with no concern and went on with their lives like nothing glorious will ever happen to them. James, being upset, stomped towards his room and stared at the rough and ragged roof above his head, thinking about the traumas he had gained through his childhood. Flashbacks of hard times and agonising pain rushed into him. He started sobbing at the life he had with his parents. He wished he could live a better life with his kind- hearted and considerate parents. That was when it had hit him. His decision was made.
James couldn’t be indecisive for all of his life and he couldn’t leave his life decisions to other people that had cared for him because it was his life that he was going to live. He advised the government and emailed his machine writing an essay describing the features of the machine that James has created. The amalgamation was soon going to be across the world aiding people with problems. Despite the opportunity he has lost in becoming powerful and noticeable in the world, he was glad that he followed his ethical mindset and so was his parents. They weren’t ignoring him purposefully like unloving and nonchalant parents but a secret mentor for James to follow what he thought was right.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative effectively outlines a compelling story arc that engages the reader from the beginning, setting the stage for a profound ethical dilemma faced by the protagonist, James. The use of a central conflict—James’ decision on whether to pursue personal gain or contribute to human development—drives the narrative forward and provides a clear framework for the plot. For instance, the dilemma is succinctly captured in the passage, “Now it was all coming down to the final question, would he use it to gain material rich or use his ethical and kind-hearted mindset to potentially unlock another field in human development.” To enhance the plot’s depth and complexity, consider introducing subplots or additional characters that challenge or support James’ decision-making process, adding layers to the narrative and enriching the overall structure.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 8/10
Your narrative currently lacks detailed descriptions of characters’ physical reactions, outfits, and accessories, which can significantly enhance reader immersion by providing a more vivid and tangible sense of the characters and their environments. For example, more detailed descriptions could transform scenes, such as when James is in his lab or when he returns home to discuss his innovation with his parents. Incorporating specific details about James’ appearance or the state of his lab equipment could further draw readers into the world you’re building. To extend and expand further ideas in writing, consider describing the wear and tear on James’ lab coat or the eclectic mix of tools and materials scattered throughout his workspace, reflecting the resourcefulness and determination that characterise his scientific endeavours.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 7/10
You’ve managed to convey the emotional and ethical stakes of James’ journey with a clear narrative voice. However, the story would benefit from a richer use of vivid and sensory language to create a more immersive reading experience. For instance, “He started sobbing at the life he had with his parents” could be enhanced by describing the physical sensations of his sorrow, the sounds of the lab or home, or the tactile details of his environment. Expanding on these elements could deeply engage the reader’s senses and emotions, making James’ world and internal conflict more relatable and compelling.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 9/10
Your narrative effectively charts James’ internal struggle and growth, making for a satisfying character arc that resonates emotionally with the reader. The reflection on his upbringing and the poignant moment of decision-making highlight his development from indecision to ethical action. For instance, “James couldn’t be indecisive for all of his life” marks a pivotal moment of self-realisation. To further enhance character development and emotional impact, consider delving deeper into James’ past experiences and their influence on his values and decisions. Additional backstory or flashbacks could provide richer context for his ethical principles and the stakes of his decision, making his journey even more impactful.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your narrative demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and syntax, with sentences that are generally well-constructed and clear. However, attention to detail in editing for consistency in tense and punctuation would polish the text and improve readability. For example, the narrative occasionally shifts between past and present tense, which can be disorienting for the reader. Streamlining sentence structures and ensuring tense consistency would enhance the flow and clarity of your writing.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary is commendable, contributing to the narrative’s clarity and readability. To further enrich your writing, consider varying your word choice and incorporating more precise terms that evoke stronger imagery or emotions.
Innovation, Synonym: Breakthrough
Ethical, Synonym: Principled
Harmless, Synonym: Benign
Material, Synonym: Tangible
Development, Synonym: Advancement
Conclusive Feedback
Your narrative presents a thought-provoking exploration of ethical dilemmas within the context of scientific innovation, effectively engaging the reader through the protagonist’s emotional and moral journey. To elevate your writing further:
Integrate more detailed descriptions of settings and characters to create a vivid, immersive experience.
Employ a richer, more varied vocabulary to add depth and nuance to your narrative.
Deepen character development with additional backstory or interactions that challenge and reveal different facets of the protagonist’s personality.
Enhance the plot structure with subplots or secondary characters that enrich the primary narrative arc.
Pay meticulous attention to grammar, syntax, and punctuation to ensure clarity and cohesion in your storytelling.
Your story’s foundation is solid, and with targeted enhancements, it has the potential to become even more engaging and impactful.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten
As a Master of Science, specializing in groundbreaking innovations, James had skillfully devised a blueprint for assembling a robot designed with human safety and domesticity at its core. Elated by his breakthrough, he retreated to his laboratory, embarking on rigorous experiments to validate the robot’s safety and benevolence. Amid the meticulous testing, James wrestled with a pivotal decision: whether to harness this novel technology for personal acclaim or to steer it towards the betterment of humanity. The outcomes were uniformly positive; the robots exhibited no malice towards humans. Double-checking the intricate code underpinning the robot’s behaviour confirmed its readiness. Now, James faced the ultimate moral dilemma: pursue material wealth or deploy his invention for societal advancement.
Contemplating this choice was particularly poignant, given his humble beginnings. His laboratory, a relic of innovation past, barely sufficed for his ambitious projects. Scarcity of materials and a tight budget were constant challenges. Yet, James’ resolve was fortified by the memory of his family’s unwavering support, despite their financial hardships. Their dreams for him to thrive in the scientific realm outweighed the burdens of their poverty.
The stakes were evenly matched. The lure of wealth was tangible, yet James’ conscience impelled him towards sharing his discovery with the world, potentially addressing numerous global challenges and sparking further scientific inquiry.
Upon sharing his dilemma with his parents, their reaction was subdued, their attention swiftly returning to the mundanities of life. This indifference, juxtaposed with his own turbulent emotions and the vivid recollections of hardship, galvanised James. He realized that the path he chose must be his own, driven by the values instilled in him.
Resolute, James reached out to the authorities, detailing his invention’s capabilities in a comprehensive essay. Soon, his creation was poised to revolutionize problem-solving worldwide. Although this choice eschewed personal fame and fortune, it aligned with his ethical convictions—a decision that, ultimately, filled both him and his parents with pride. Their apparent indifference had been a catalyst for James to follow his moral compass, a lesson in the power of self-determination and integrity.
The Decision Week 3 Year 6 Scholarship Writing Homework
John, a loyal and honoured soldier, was a man who was hospitable especially through the tough life he had with his parents. Nothing in his life was easy but he knew very well that he would be rewarded with people that harnessed a profound thinking, people who would fit him as a friend. John has been going through a harsh and severe training through boot camp and had made honourable friends like James. Many times, John would ponder what he would do without his dearest friend. Would he even survive through the training in boot camp, would he still be here fighting in the battlegrounds? Though James was his dearest friend, it was all decided on this dangerous situation.
John and James have been going through many expeditions and journeys together to defeat their enemies, but this trip was different. Their enemies were equipped with stronger and more lethal weapons to eliminate John’s team. After major attacks that were launched from both sides John was staring blankly at his friend James only to find blood leeching out of his body oozing into the musty dirt. This was John’s decision, and this was the tough situation he was in.
John, as a child, lived in household where his parents were very frugal and strict on John’s behaviour because of the pure reason of the decrease in financial savings and income. John could tell that this time was coming where they would be homeless. Though his parents were quite strict on John when it comes to certain things, John loved every aspect of them especially because they were all he had. Before John could join the harsh realities of boot camp, he had to take care of his family leaving a huge financial burden hanging on his shoulders. His parents suggested for him to go to boot camp as it offered a habitable place, but John tried to refuse this option. He knew that if he were to join boot camp, it was a huge risk for his parents. At the end of their conversation John decided to join and this was how he became a soldier fighting for his country and nation.
John glanced at the enemy and saw bullets pounce out of bushes and rifles. Snipers were locked onto their team, eliminating each and every one of them. John’s communication device crackled to life as it commanded John to retreat immediately when it was safe. It commanded to leave all the wounded and run back to base. John disheartened by this stared at his 2 options ahead of him. He pondered about all of the troubles it would cause his parents, but John fazed through his past times with his friend James. They were a team, and they couldn’t be separated until now. John contemplated but soon reached a conclusion.
John ran back to base with his friend’s anvil-like body and pushed the wounded body until John was shot in a vital part. James returned back to his base and sobbed at the loss that occurred at that day. A grave was set and everyone in the camp mourned the loss, and a letter was soon sent to John’s family telling his parents that he died for a cause. They sobbed with a cracked heart but they knew very well that their son served the country well.
WEEK 3 FEEDBACK
Plot and Structure – Score: 8/10
Your narrative exhibits a well-thought-out plot with a clear structure, journeying from John’s challenging upbringing to his ultimate sacrifice on the battlefield. The transition from personal background to the harsh realities of war creates a compelling storyline. For instance, “John glanced at the enemy and saw bullets pounce out of bushes and rifles” effectively moves the plot into its climax. To further enhance the plot and structure, consider adding more subplots or flashbacks that enrich the main storyline, providing deeper insight into John’s character and his relationship with James. This approach could offer a more rounded narrative arc and increase suspense and emotional engagement.
Body Reactions, Outfits, and Accessories Description – Score: 7/10
Your descriptions provide a basic visual of the scene, particularly in moments of action. However, there is room for expansion in the portrayal of characters’ physical responses, outfits, and accessories to deepen immersion. For instance, detailing the wear and tear on John’s uniform or James’s expressions could heighten the narrative’s emotional and visual impact. Expanding on these descriptions can create a more vivid and tangible setting, allowing readers to feel the weight of the moment more profoundly.
Vivid and Sensory Language – Score: 9/10
You’ve made commendable efforts in employing sensory language, such as “blood leeching out of his body oozing into the musty dirt,” which vividly captures the gravity of the battlefield’s reality. To elevate your narrative, incorporate a wider range of sensory details that appeal to all five senses. Describing the sounds of the battlefield, the smell of gunpowder, or the tactile sensation of the environment can further draw readers into the story’s world.
Character Development and Emotional Impact – Score: 9/10
Your narrative effectively outlines John’s development from a dutiful son to a heroic soldier, creating a strong emotional arc. The emotional impact is particularly felt in the line, “John ran back to base with his friend’s anvil-like body,” showcasing his loyalty and bravery. Enhancing the depth of character relationships through more intimate dialogues or internal monologues could provide a greater understanding of their motivations and fears, further amplifying the emotional resonance.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The narrative is generally well-written, with a coherent structure and clear grammar. However, there are moments where sentence structure could be varied to improve readability and flow. For instance, “John’s communication device crackled to life as it commanded John to retreat immediately when it was safe” could be rephrased for clarity and conciseness. Focusing on sentence variety and avoiding repetition will refine the overall readability.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary is appropriate, contributing to the narrative’s tone and setting. To enhance the narrative:
Harsh, Synonym: Severe
Lethal, Synonym: Deadly
Frugal, Synonym: Economical
Strict, Synonym: Rigorous
Sobbed, Synonym: Wept
In conclusion, your narrative compellingly portrays John’s journey through personal and military challenges, marked by moments of intense loyalty and sacrifice. To further enhance your writing:
Integrate more complex subplots or flashbacks to enrich character backgrounds and motivations.
Expand descriptions of characters’ physical reactions, outfits, and accessories to create a more immersive experience.
Employ a broader range of sensory details to engage all the reader’s senses and deepen the emotional connection.
Develop characters through more detailed dialogues and internal reflections to enhance emotional depth.
Focus on refining grammar and syntax for smoother readability, and vary your vocabulary to add sophistication to your narrative.
Your narrative holds significant potential, and with these adjustments, it can become even more engaging and impactful. Keep nurturing your storytelling skills, as your ability to evoke emotion and create vivid scenes is already evident.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
John, a soldier renowned for his loyalty and honour, faced adversity not only on the battlefield but also in his personal life. His upbringing, marked by financial struggles and strict parental guidance, instilled in him a resilience that proved invaluable. Despite the hardships, John’s deep affection for his family and his unwavering sense of duty remained his guiding lights. The decision to join boot camp, driven by a desire to provide for his family and serve his country, marked the beginning of a transformative journey.
Throughout his rigorous training, John formed a bond with James, a comrade whose friendship became a beacon of hope and strength. Together, they navigated the perils of war, their camaraderie deepening with each mission. However, the reality of combat was unforgiving. Faced with an enemy armed with superior weaponry, John and James encountered a challenge unlike any before. The aftermath of a fierce encounter left John grappling with loss, as James succumbed to his injuries, his lifeblood merging with the earth beneath them.
This moment of loss underscored the brutal cost of war, forcing John to confront the fragility of life and the weight of sacrifice. Despite the command to retreat and the stark choice between duty and loyalty, John’s decision to carry James back, a testament to their bond, ultimately led to his own demise.
Max Fleete, a loyal officer, has been eagerly going through training for the military, always seeking perfection in every task and inspiring others to do so. However, without his faithful friend, James Box, he would have drastically different results. James has always supported Max from the very start. Being in boot camp together, they were vines intertwined firmly attached. However, their loyalty was tested by an unexpected event. During a training mission, an opposing country ambushed their location. Although the grounds were supervised, their team was in a survival mission unassisted. They were surrounded. Everyone else fled, but somehow they captured James. Max was the only other team member there. By then the training control team was notified of this and instructed Max to flee. Max was planted in the ground. He was stranded in his mind. In the end, he must choose his loyalty to his country or his friend, with complex problems for both sides.
As he struggled with his decision, a new piece of intelligence came. He discovered that his commander signed a contract that would ensure that the ongoing war would be lost by us. If he saved his friend, this would expose the contract and enforce anti-corruption policies. However, his friend was a spy from the opposing country, and saving him could make the war successful for the opposite country while not exposing the contract. If he fled, then he would risk losing his friend and keeping the contract a secret for other military personnel to sound the alarm. Max must find a way to keep his friend and expose the contract, all at the same time.
more coming soon when finished
Captain James Harris is a seasoned soldier who had always abided by the code of honour and loyalty. He and his best friend, Sergeant Alex Thompson, have been inseparable since boot camp, and together they have faced many life-threatening situations together. However, their toughest challenge yet comes when Sergeant Alex falls into a trap set by the enemy while walking in the bush. Captain James notifies the control team, who tells him to abandon Alex and save himself, since the enemy might already be on their way to the trap, and they might waste precious time if the rescue is not done quickly. As James struggles to chose between risking his own life to save his best friend or following orders and saving himself, he uncovers a conspiracy that threatens not only his friendship but also the lives of countless innocent civilians. In the end, John must choose between his loyalty to the military or his loyalty to his best friend, with the fate of an entire nation hanging in the balance.
In the town where Emily grew up, her parents had meticulously woven the fabric of their dreams around her future, envisioning a legacy within the walls of their esteemed law firm. The firm was an investment of not just money but also their hopes for Emily. Yet, inside her heart, Emily had a passion for art. The pivotal moment arrived when she received an offer to attend the world’s preeminent art school, surrounded by experts in the field. The prospect was both a beacon of fulfilment and a storm of uncertainty, because choosing art over the family legacy meant no financial security net if she fails. Emily found herself caught in a dilemma, torn between family duty and the call of her artistic dreams. The weight of parental expectations, the allure of artistic expression, and the absence of a safety net wove a complex tapestry of indecision, leaving Emily suspended in the delicate balance between family obligation and personal fulfilment.
Dr. Daniel Foster, a brilliant but under appreciated scientist, has just invented a device which could have the power to reverse global warming. While presenting his findings at a conference, he meets a powerful billionaire who offers him a deal to use the invention for personal gain and global domination. With the world at the brink of environmental collapse, he has to make the impossible decision. On one hand, he is suffering from financial burdens and is tempted with the idea of wealth and pools of money that could support his family for decades to come. On the other hand, he considers using his invention to greater good and helping humanity. The weight of the world rests on Daniel’s shoulders, and his choice will shape the course of history.