Scholarship W4 Writing
- January 15, 2024
- 2:29 pm
- 65 Comments
- Should voting be compulsory?
- Is animal testing ethical?
- Should schools be 4 days long?
Use pain and PECs formula. 300 words each
My favourite subject to teach is maths because I like the wide variety of topics and real life applications.
“Everything happens for a reason"
“Everything happens for a reason"
My favourite subject to teach is English because it allows students to individually think about the similarities, differences, and nuances across text types
"Let us read and let us dance; these two amusements will never do any harm to the world” - Voltaire
"Let us read and let us dance; these two amusements will never do any harm to the world” - Voltaire
My favourite subject to teach is English because I love to help others understand the great impact that words have on informing and shaping our lives. Similarly, I enjoy teaching reading and comprehension as analysis skills are essential to understanding how the world operates.
“Perfection is not attainable but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence"
“Perfection is not attainable but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence"
My favourite subject to teach is English because there is so much we can learn as humans from poems, novels and plays.
"How do you eat a whale? One bite at a time."
"How do you eat a whale? One bite at a time."
I love teaching mathematics because it develops logical thinking and problem-solving skills that are essential in everyday life.
My fav subject to teach is writing because how to express our thoughts. I enjoy teaching english because there is no right or wrong answer and you can be creative.
"A sentence is the final manifestation of everything we believe in" ~ Sid
"A sentence is the final manifestation of everything we believe in" ~ Sid
My favourite subject to teach is Science because there is an endless world of knowledge to discover in the natural world around us.
My favourite subject to teach is thinking skills because it’s very interesting to understand how human reasoning is flawed and why it’s tricky to answer logic problems. I enjoy teaching because of my interest in the psychology of optimising learning and performance. I like teaching kids because they have a happy positive energy . When managed properly , Children are highly engaged and curious .
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65 thoughts on “Scholarship W4 Writing”
Imagine a world without any voting. Brain dead nominees will be fighting over who gets to control the country. You wouldn’t want that, would you? The leader would have to be a good leader who can listen to people’s concerns. Voting should be compulsory because people can choose the person they want to lead their country, everyone can take part in their country’s well being and there wouldn’t be a government without voting.
The people voting can have the choice to vote for someone who they think will lead their country. People of their country would want a person who will bring out the country’s potential. If people can vote it would mean that no people can fight for the leader, only the most trustworthy nominee can get people’s votes.
Voting should be compulsory also because people can take part in their country’s well being. By voting, people don’t know that they’ve made a big change in their society, whether it’s good or bad. People would want their country to shine radiantly so by voting for the right person, they can make a dream a big reality
In the end, all people have to vote because there wouldn’t be a government without voting. Voting is the reason why we have a government and without any voting for governors, there wouldn’t be a person to rule this country. People who want to take over power however, will start civil wars inside the country just to get power!
To end things off, we should vote because people can choose the person they want to lead their country, everyone can take part in their country’s well being and there wouldn’t be a government without voting. Without voting in our lives, our world wouldn’t be as it is right now. Think of all the accomplishments our leaders have been getting but they wouldn’t have got them without getting voted. Now do you understand how important voting is?
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which effectively outlines your argument for compulsory voting. The use of a hypothetical scenario at the beginning, “Imagine a world without any voting,” serves as a strong hook. However, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the flow of your argument. Including signposting phrases could guide the reader through your points more clearly.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 7
You have made a commendable effort in presenting a case for compulsory voting, highlighting its benefits for democracy and societal well-being. Yet, the essay would benefit from more concrete evidence and examples to support your claims. For instance, when you mention, “By voting, people don’t know that they’ve made a big change in their society,” incorporating specific instances where voting led to significant changes could strengthen your argument. Delving deeper into the consequences of not voting could further reinforce the necessity of your proposed solution.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 8
The essay effectively uses the strategy of evoking pain by presenting a dire picture of a world without voting. The phrase, “Brain dead nominees will be fighting over who gets to control the country,” vividly conveys the potential chaos. To enhance this aspect, you could explore more deeply the emotional and social ramifications of such a scenario, making the pain more personal and relatable to the reader.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
Your conclusion reiterates the importance of voting succinctly, reinforcing your main points. However, addressing potential counterarguments throughout the essay would strengthen your position. Acknowledging and refuting common objections to compulsory voting could make your argument more compelling and robust.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Overall, your essay is well-written with minor grammatical errors. Attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure could improve clarity. For example, ensuring consistency in tense and more varied sentence constructions would enhance readability.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of words is generally effective, conveying your points with clarity. To elevate your essay, consider incorporating more nuanced vocabulary that reflects the complexity of the topic at hand.
World, Synonym: Globe
Control, Synonym: Govern
Trustworthy, Synonym: Reliable
Shine, Synonym: Flourish
Accomplishments, Synonym: Achievements
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay passionately advocates for the necessity of compulsory voting, presenting a clear structure and a compelling argument. To further enhance your writing, consider integrating more detailed evidence and examples to substantiate your claims. Addressing potential counterarguments would provide a more rounded perspective and strengthen your position. Improving transitions between sections could enhance the overall coherence of your essay, guiding the reader through your argument more effectively. Additionally, refining your grammar and syntax, alongside expanding your vocabulary, would enrich the quality of your writing. Keep these points in mind:
Incorporate signposting phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs.
Provide concrete examples and evidence to support your claims.
Explore the emotional and social consequences of the issues discussed more deeply.
Address and refute potential counterarguments to strengthen your argument.
Expand your vocabulary to more accurately reflect the complexity of the topic.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
Envision a globe devoid of the right to vote, where unqualified contenders vie for dominance over the nation’s future. Such a scenario is far from desirable, as it underscores the absence of a fundamental democratic right. Compulsory voting emerges as a crucial mechanism, ensuring that leadership is not only a matter of inheritance or power struggles but a reflection of the populace’s will. Through this process, individuals are empowered to select leaders capable of unlocking the nation’s potential and steering it towards prosperity.
Compulsory voting serves as a cornerstone for active civic engagement, allowing citizens to partake meaningfully in their nation’s trajectory. It’s a testament to the notion that each vote, seemingly insignificant on its own, amalgamates into a significant force capable of molding societal norms and values. This collective action ensures that the chosen leaders are not merely placeholders but visionaries who resonate with the populace’s aspirations.
Moreover, the very fabric of governance is predicated on the act of voting. Without it, the legitimacy of those in power wanes, leaving a vacuum that could precipitate internal strife or, worse, civil unrest. The act of casting a vote is, therefore, not merely a right but a bulwark against the erosion of democratic principles.
In conclusion, the act of voting is not an optional civic duty but an imperative one. It’s the linchpin that secures the government’s legitimacy, encourages societal participation, and ensures that leadership reflects the collective will. Without it, the achievements that define our era could very well have been unattainable. As such, recognising the intrinsic value of voting is paramount, for it is the bedrock upon which democratic societies are built and sustained.
Imagine a world without any voting. Brain dead nominees will be fighting over who gets to control the country. You wouldn’t want that, would you? The leader would have to be a good leader who can listen to people’s concerns. Voting should be compulsory because people can choose the person they want to lead their country, everyone can take part in their country’s well being and there wouldn’t be a government without voting.
The people voting can have the choice to vote for someone who they think will lead their country. People of their country would want a person who will bring out the country’s potential. If people can vote it would mean that no people can fight for the leader, only the most trustworthy nominee can get people’s votes.
Voting should be compulsory also because people can take part in their country’s well being. By voting, people don’t know that they’ve made a big change in their society, whether it’s good or bad. People would want their country to shine radiantly so by voting for the right person, they can make a dream a big reality
In the end, all people have to vote because there wouldn’t be a government without voting. Voting is the reason why we have a government and without any voting for governors, there wouldn’t be a person to rule this country. People who want to take over power however, will start civil wars inside the country just to get power!
To end things off, we should vote because people can choose the person they want to lead their country, everyone can take part in their country’s well being and there wouldn’t be a government without voting. Without voting in our lives, our world wouldn’t be as it is right now. Think of all the accomplishments our leaders have been getting but they wouldn’t have got them without getting voted. Now do you understand how important voting is?
The Debate For Democracy Week 4 Year 6 Writing Homework Scholarship
Imagine a world where violence was visible due to the corrupt and inhumane actions from the government. It is quite clear that many people should vote for elections because it shapes your future and what type of person that would lead your country. This is one of the many reasons out there for why you should vote.
To start off voting should be compulsory in all types of democracy in the community because it decides what your future is in your local community. Refusing to vote may lead to consequences of a corrupt or unpreferable decision which all in all makes the people in the community suffer. An example for a possibly real outcome is voting for a fraudulent and an unethical government who guides his country to the abysmal void where no light can shine. Would you like to hear the screams and shouts piercing through your ear reverberating around your ear drums while you hear your country suffer the flames of guilt and greediness? The simple solution to prevent any misfortunes and calamity from breaking into the society is by allowing everyone, who is mature and old enough, to vote for their future and their rights in the community. This is why voting should be compulsory regardless of the situation for citizens to ensure a safe and healthy future.
In conclusion, a democratic society should enforce everyone in the local community to vote because it shapes the future for all of the people living in the area. Imagine a society where nature grows rogue and wild due to the simple fact that not everyone contributed to the community’s choice and decision. This is why many people cannot stress over how important voting in a democratic country and society is. The next time you get to vote for the society, do some research and vote with your heart and brain and don’t slack off.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 9/10
Your essay begins with a compelling introduction that sets the stage for the argument in favour of compulsory voting. The structure is clear and flows logically from the introduction to the conclusion, effectively maintaining the reader’s interest. However, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to ensure a seamless flow of ideas. For instance, introducing transitional phrases could enhance the coherence of your argument. An example from your essay, “To start off voting should be compulsory in all types of democracy in the community because it decides what your future is in your local community,” could benefit from a transitional phrase to connect more fluidly with the following discussion.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score: 8/10
You have succinctly outlined the importance of voting, providing a hypothetical scenario to illustrate the consequences of not voting. However, incorporating real-life examples or statistical evidence could strengthen your argument. This approach would not only validate your points but also engage the reader by demonstrating the tangible impact of voting on society. For further expansion, consider incorporating studies or historical outcomes related to compulsory voting systems. An example from your essay, “Refusing to vote may lead to consequences of a corrupt or unpreferable decision which all in all makes the people in the community suffer,” could be enhanced with real-world evidence to substantiate the claim.
Evoking Pain – Score: 7/10
Your use of vivid imagery, as seen in “Would you like to hear the screams and shouts piercing through your ear,” effectively evokes a sense of urgency and the potential consequences of inaction. However, balancing emotional appeal with logical reasoning could make your argument more persuasive. Further ways to extend your ideas include drawing parallels between the emotional consequences of not voting and the logical, societal implications. This dual approach can cater to a wider audience, appealing to both their emotions and rationality.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 7/10
Your conclusion effectively reiterates the importance of voting but misses an opportunity to address potential counterarguments. Engaging with opposing views could demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the subject and further persuade undecided readers. For future essays, consider presenting common arguments against compulsory voting and then refuting them to strengthen your position. An example from your essay, “In conclusion, a democratic society should enforce everyone in the local community to vote,” could be expanded by preemptively addressing why some might disagree and offering counterpoints.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Overall, your essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and syntax. There are minor issues that disrupt the flow, such as occasional awkward phrasing or the use of passive constructions. For example, “Refusing to vote may lead to consequences of a corrupt or unpreferable decision which all in all makes the people in the community suffer” could be more direct and impactful with active voice and concise phrasing.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys your message, but there’s room for enhancement to elevate the sophistication of your essay. Consider the following synonyms to diversify your language:
Corrupt, Synonym: Depraved
Inhumane, Synonym: Cruel
Compulsory, Synonym: Mandatory
Unpreferable, Synonym: Undesirable
Calamity, Synonym: Disaster
In critiquing your essay as a whole, it’s evident you possess a strong foundational understanding of the importance of voting within a democracy. The emotional and hypothetical scenarios you present are compelling and serve to underline the critical nature of the issue at hand. However, your argument would benefit from a more balanced approach that includes addressing counterarguments, incorporating statistical evidence or real-life examples, and refining the structure for smoother transitions. Enhancing the sophistication of your vocabulary and fine-tuning grammar and syntax will also contribute to a more polished and persuasive essay.
To improve your writing, consider these five points:
Integrate transitional phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs.
Support your arguments with real-life examples or statistical evidence.
Address counterarguments to provide a more rounded perspective.
Use a balanced mix of emotional appeal and logical reasoning.
Refine your vocabulary and grammar for clarity and impact.
Encouragingly, your passion and commitment to the subject matter are clear, and with these adjustments, your essays will undoubtedly become more persuasive and engaging.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
Imagine a world where the visible scars of violence were a direct result of governmental corruption and cruelty. It’s imperative to understand that the act of voting is not merely a right but a pivotal duty that shapes our future and determines the leaders who will guide our nations. This principle underscores the myriad reasons why engaging in elections is critical.
Compulsory voting in all democracies is essential for it dictates the trajectory of our local communities’ futures. Abstaining from this civic duty risks the ascension of deceitful and immoral governments, propelling our societies into darkness, devoid of hope. The echoes of anguish and the reverberations of greed and regret could be avoided if every eligible individual exercised their right to vote, ensuring a safeguarded and prosperous future for all.
A democratic society thrives on the participation of its citizens. The very fabric of our community is strengthened when every voice is heard, shaping a future where nature and society flourish together, unhindered by the consequences of apathy. The significance of voting in shaping a democratic society cannot be overstated. Therefore, when the opportunity to vote arises, it is incumbent upon each of us to research thoroughly and vote with both heart and intellect, ensuring we do not falter in our responsibilities.
In advocating for compulsory voting, we must also address the counterarguments with empathy and logic, acknowledging concerns while presenting the undeniable benefits of widespread electoral participation. This approach not only enriches the discourse but also fortifies the argument in favour of engaging every eligible voter in the democratic process.
In refining our advocacy for compulsory voting, adopting a nuanced vocabulary and precise grammar will enhance the clarity and persuasiveness of our message. By doing so, we not only champion the cause but also inspire others to recognise the profound impact of their vote on the future of our democracies.
Roaming Rabbits Week 4 Year 6 Writing Homework Scholarship
Imagine whimpering rabbits and helpless animals attempting to squeeze through the grasp of the devious humans but was hit with a stroll of a deathly vaccine. Their eyes soon hallucinating a dim future ahead before dying a gruesome death from unwanted bacteria. Animal testing, though can prevent many human deaths, shouldn’t be a viable choice among the field of vaccines and consumer items because of the painful sensation the animals would have before passing away, their lives wasted because of humans. This is one of the many reasons on why animal testing should be illegal and why it should be erased without a trace among consumer companies.
To start off this debate, animal testing shouldn’t be a viable choice among humans because of the cruel and inhumane outcome. Scientists have found that nearly 14.5 million animals are tested on for household products and consumer use annually, not including lab experimentation. Another study has found that nearly 115 million animals are tested on in labs for scientific study annually and nearly 110 million of those animals die from inhumane experimentations. An example of this merciless act being held is in most household products, cosmetics, drugs and pesticides to cure human illnesses. The consequence of the continuation of this inhumane act is the loss of many animals and a decline in many different species of surrendering animals. The feasible solution to prevent this declining of certain lab – tested animals is by testing it on volunteering humans that are willing to serve their community by testing out the product to prevent human deaths from occurring.
In conclusion, animals testing shouldn’t be a practical and crucial option to test out consumer products and everyday items because it may harm the animal possibly succumbing to the end of their lives. The next time you visit your local pharmacy, or any shop and you are shopping for household items, check if they utilised poor and helpless animals for testing and retain from buying that product. It may help many animals in desperate need.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 9
Your essay demonstrates a clear structure with a defined introduction, body, and conclusion, effectively setting up the debate on animal testing. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the flow of arguments. For instance, after discussing the statistics of animal testing, a more explicit connection to the ethical implications and alternative solutions would strengthen your argument. A quote from your essay that illustrates the structure is, “To start off this debate, animal testing shouldn’t be a viable choice among humans because of the cruel and inhumane outcome.”
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 7
You have successfully outlined a point, provided evidence, and suggested a solution regarding the issue of animal testing. However, the consequences of the current practices and the benefits of your proposed solutions could be more detailed. To improve, consider expanding on the long-term ecological and ethical benefits of ceasing animal testing and the potential positive impacts on scientific research credibility. A quote from your essay is, “The feasible solution to prevent this declining of certain lab-tested animals is by testing it on volunteering humans.”
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 9
Your vivid descriptions effectively evoke a sense of empathy and urgency, compelling the reader to consider the moral implications of animal testing. To further enhance this aspect, you could include case studies or testimonies from scientists who have transitioned to cruelty-free research methods, thereby adding depth to the emotional appeal. A poignant quote from your essay is, “Imagine whimpering rabbits and helpless animals attempting to squeeze through the grasp of the devious humans.”
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
While your conclusion strongly reiterates the call to action, addressing potential counterarguments would fortify your position. Acknowledging and refuting common justifications for animal testing could make your argument more persuasive and comprehensive. A suggestion is to explore the scientific validity and ethical considerations in more detail. Your conclusion, “It may help many animals in desperate need,” effectively summarises the emotional appeal of your argument.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is largely well-written, with few grammatical errors. However, attention to complex sentence structures and correct punctuation could enhance readability and sophistication. For example, varying sentence length and structure will make your writing more engaging.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary is appropriate and conveys your message effectively. To elevate your essay, consider the following synonyms:
Viable, Synonym: Feasible
Inhumane, Synonym: Cruel
Merciless, Synonym: Ruthless
Succumbing, Synonym: Yielding
Desperate, Synonym: Dire
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay passionately addresses the ethical concerns surrounding animal testing, employing compelling evidence and vivid imagery to make your case. To further enhance your writing:
Integrate smoother transitions between sections to improve the flow of your argument.
Expand on the consequences of animal testing and the benefits of alternatives to provide a more rounded perspective.
Incorporate case studies or testimonies to deepen the emotional impact of your argument.
Address potential counterarguments to strengthen your position and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
Focus on refining grammar and syntax, and enrich your vocabulary to increase the sophistication of your essay.
These improvements will not only bolster the persuasiveness of your essay but also enrich its overall readability and impact. Your commitment to the subject is evident, and by refining your approach, you can create an even more compelling argument against animal testing.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
Imagine the harrowing scenes of rabbits and other defenceless creatures struggling in vain against the clutches of their human captors, only to be subjected to lethal injections. Their eyes, once full of life, now mirror the bleakness of their fate, hallucinating dimly before succumbing to a cruel demise induced by harmful pathogens. Despite its potential to save human lives, animal testing for vaccines and consumer products is an indefensible practice, marred by the agony inflicted upon these beings until their untimely deaths, rendering their existence futile in the face of human endeavours. This serves as a poignant testament to why animal experimentation should be unequivocally outlawed and eradicated from the consumer industry.
Initiating this discourse, the brutality and inhumanity inherent in animal testing categorically disqualify it as an acceptable practice for humanity. Research reveals that approximately 14.5 million animals are subjected to testing annually for household and consumer goods, excluding those used in laboratory experiments. Further studies indicate that around 115 million creatures endure tests in scientific settings each year, with nearly 110 million perishing due to barbaric procedures. This ruthless exploitation, commonplace in the development of household products, cosmetics, pharmaceuticals, and pesticides, precipitates not only the needless loss of countless lives but also contributes to the decline of numerous species.
The ethical and humane resolution to this crisis lies in the adoption of alternative testing methods, such as utilising human volunteers who consciously choose to contribute to societal well-being. This approach not only safeguards animal welfare but also enhances the reliability and applicability of research findings to human health.
In summation, the practice of animal testing, particularly for consumer goods and everyday items, should not be deemed a necessary or ethical choice, given its potential to inflict harm and end lives. As conscientious consumers, we bear the responsibility to scrutinise the origins of the products we purchase, opting against those tested on innocent and helpless animals. Such collective action can significantly alleviate the plight of countless animals and herald a new era of ethical consumerism and scientific research.
The Debating Education Week 4 Year 6 Writing Scholarship Homework
Imagine hundreds of children walking through the school like the walking – dead with their profound brains smoking with complex and difficult knowledge. Having four days of school is very beneficial for students attending school because it helps students process the knowledge into their memory or hippocampus instead of letting it flow through the other side of the ear. This is one of the few reasons why students should have four days of school in the week.
To start off this debate, students should have four days of school because it helps their hippocampus process important and beneficial knowledge to help the student succeed in life. Scientists have found that four days of school can increase the capabilities of the hippocampus to make it more competent when receiving knowledge. An example that can showcase the benefits of having 4 days of school can be taken in an exam when you are struggling to remember certain formulas that are essential for passing the exam. Taking a day off may help the student revise what the teacher has taught them throughout the school week, benefitting the student for the exam. The consequences for refusing this possibility may lead to a major decrease in performance standards throughout the country or a stable result throughout the year with minor improvements. Refusing to implement this may make the students that attend school miss out a simple method on how to improve their grades. The solution to prevent declination of grades throughout the nation is by implementing the new 4 – four – days – of – school program.
In conclusion, 4 days of school should be implemented throughout the country because it may help the student revise basic knowledge in the education curriculum leading to an overall higher grade in exams. The next time you come to school, ask for a day off school for you to revise the common facts in this world.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay begins with a compelling imagery, “Imagine hundreds of children walking through the school like the walking – dead with their profound brains smoking with complex and difficult knowledge,” which effectively grabs the reader’s attention. However, the overall structure could benefit from clearer transitions and a more defined argument progression. For instance, the essay jumps directly into the debate without first establishing a solid foundation or background on the current educational system’s scheduling. To enhance the structure, consider introducing the topic with a brief overview of the existing school week structure and then segue into the argument for a four-day school week.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score: 8/10
You have done a commendable job of presenting your point, providing evidence, suggesting a solution, and discussing the potential consequences. The use of the phrase, “Scientists have found that four days of school can increase the capabilities of the hippocampus,” serves as a strong piece of evidence. To further strengthen this section, you could include specific studies or statistics to back up the claims. Additionally, exploring a broader range of consequences and solutions could provide a more comprehensive understanding of the issue.
Evoking Pain – Score: 8/10
The opening sentence effectively evokes a sense of urgency and concern, which is a strong strategy. However, the essay could further exploit this approach by detailing the personal and societal impacts of overburdening students with information without adequate processing time. For example, discussing the stress, burnout, and potential loss of interest in learning could make a more compelling argument.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 8/10
Your conclusion restates the main argument but misses an opportunity to address potential counterarguments. Acknowledging and refuting opposing views could strengthen your position. For instance, you could discuss common concerns about reduced instructional time and how the four-day week can be structured to maintain or even enhance educational quality.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The essay is mostly well-written, but there are minor grammatical errors that disrupt the flow. For example, the phrase “may lead to a major decrease in performance standards throughout the country or a stable result throughout the year with minor improvements” could be clearer and more succinct.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary is generally strong, contributing to an authoritative tone. Yet, there is room for incorporating more varied and precise language to convey your arguments more effectively.
Profound, Synonym: Deep
Beneficial, Synonym: Advantageous
Competent, Synonym: Capable
Declination, Synonym: Decline
Implementing, Synonym: Enacting
Conclusive Feedback
Your essay presents a thought-provoking argument for a four-day school week, effectively using imagery and a structured argument to make your case. However, to elevate your writing, consider the following suggestions:
Integrate more concrete evidence and examples to support your claims.
Address potential counterarguments to provide a more balanced and persuasive argument.
Enhance the structure with clearer transitions and a more detailed introduction to guide the reader through your argument.
Work on refining grammar and syntax for smoother reading.
Expand your vocabulary to more precisely express your ideas.
By embracing these adjustments, your essay can become an even more compelling and comprehensive argument for the benefits of a four-day school week.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
Envision a school where children meander through corridors, their minds heavily laden with intricate knowledge, reminiscent of somnambulists burdened by the weight of their intellect. The proposition of a four-day school week stands as a beacon of reform, promising to alleviate such burdens by facilitating the assimilation of complex information into the hippocampus, rather than allowing it to dissipate unheeded. This reformative approach is not merely an educational adjustment but a necessary evolution to enhance cognitive retention and student well-being.
The rationale behind advocating for a truncated school week stems from empirical findings which suggest that a reduction in conventional school days bolsters the hippocampus’s ability to absorb and retain information. Consider the scenario of a student grappling with the recollection of crucial formulas during an examination; a three-day respite offers an invaluable opportunity to consolidate learned material, thereby augmenting academic performance. The refusal to consider such a shift risks perpetuating a status quo marked by stagnant or marginally improving educational outcomes, depriving students of a straightforward strategy to elevate their academic achievements.
Moreover, the implementation of a four-day school week could serve as a panacea to the prevalent issue of cognitive overload among students, fostering an environment where learning is not just about the acquisition but the meaningful engagement with knowledge. This paradigm shift proposes not only a solution to enhance academic performance but also aims to reinvigorate the educational landscape by prioritising depth over breadth in learning experiences.
Anticipating potential reservations regarding this proposal, it is imperative to underscore that such a transition does not signify a diminution of educational rigour. Instead, it offers a recalibrated approach to pedagogy that values quality over quantity, ensuring that students are not merely receivers of information but active participants in their learning journey.
In essence, the advocacy for a four-day school week is rooted in a vision of education that champions holistic development, academic excellence, and the mental well-being of students. As we stand on the cusp of educational transformation, it behoves stakeholders to embrace this change, recognising its potential to cultivate a generation of learners who are not only academically proficient but also resilient and adaptive in the face of challenges. The next time the school gates beckon, let it be a call to action for an educational renaissance, heralding a future where learning is a joyous and enriching endeavour.
Bianca Ng’s Scholarship YR 6 Wk4 Writing (Should voting be compulsory?}
Thank you!
Should voting be compulsory?
-Bianca Ng
Imagine a forlorn country, its citizens hanging loose on the intricate weaving of humanity, the weaving loosening by the touch of its anarchy. It was all from one mistake, a simple mistake had caused such pain within the country. The people protested, occupying streets on end, violence rippling throughout, where freedom was now like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, opinions dividing every citizen of the country. Would you like to live in a world like this?
Recklessness, poor choices and unfair games are things that are bound to happen if voting were to be optional. Voting would not serve a purpose anymore, and the results from a voting poll would not become subsequent to the country’s opinions. Many people would choose to not vote, resulting in unfair game for some, whilst others might receive a huge advantage. From this, we can already see that the results of voting not compulsory will completely alter the country’s opinions, leading everyone head-first into a dystopian world. Not many votes might be made by the lack of voting recipients, and many people can disagree when a new leader is elected. I firmly believe that it is much better if voting is compulsory, leading the world to a more collective form of decision making.
Furthermore, voting is a form of a person’s voice, where every citizen should be heard and listened to their opinions equally. Every person should be proud of their voice, and without everyone’s thoughts and voice heard during elections, elections are destined to become a frolicking field of unfairness and injustice. Voting is a right, not a privilege, elections are meant for fair play, not for bias. Without every single person’s vote, the statistics of the votes can vary immensely.
Voting is a crucial part of a civilian’s way to express their opinions freely, and they should use this to their full extent. Alongside this, a collective count of every person’s vote rather than just a select few can represent a collective and overall opinion for an election, and hence the results are more believable and justifiable. From all of my justified reasons, I firmly believe that voting should be compulsory.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay begins with a vivid description that sets a dramatic tone, effectively capturing the reader’s attention. This introduction, “Imagine a forlorn country, its citizens hanging loose on the intricate weaving of humanity,” serves as a strong opening. However, the transition from the introduction to the body paragraphs and then to the conclusion could be smoother. To enhance the structure, consider signposting your arguments more clearly. For instance, after the introduction, a brief outline of what will be discussed could guide the reader through your argumentation more seamlessly.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You have done well to outline the consequences of not making voting compulsory, using a hypothetical scenario to underscore the potential risks. The statement, “Recklessness, poor choices, and unfair games are things that are bound to happen if voting were to be optional,” succinctly presents your main argument. To further improve, delve deeper into empirical evidence or studies that back your claims about the benefits of compulsory voting. This would provide a stronger foundation for your argument.
Evoking Emotion – Score out of 10: 8
The evocative imagery in your introduction effectively appeals to the reader’s emotions. Phrases like “violence rippling throughout” and “freedom was now like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow” vividly convey the chaos and despair of a society without compulsory voting. To enhance this strategy, include personal anecdotes or historical examples that readers can relate to, thus deepening their emotional connection to your argument.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 7
Your conclusion reiterates the importance of compulsory voting but could be strengthened by addressing potential counterarguments more directly. For example, “I firmly believe that it is much better if voting is compulsory,” could be followed by a consideration of common objections to compulsory voting, such as concerns over personal freedom. This would demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the issue and strengthen your position.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is generally well-written, with a few minor grammatical errors that do not significantly detract from the overall clarity. To improve, pay closer attention to sentence structure, ensuring variety and complexity. For example, mixing short, impactful sentences with longer, more descriptive ones can enhance readability.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
The vocabulary used in your essay is effective and appropriate for the topic. However, expanding your lexical range could make your arguments more compelling. Consider:
Forlorn, Synonym: Desolate
Recklessness, Synonym: Impulsivity
Subsequent, Synonym: Ensuing
Dystopian, Synonym: Apocalyptic
Justifiable, Synonym: Defensible
To further improve your essay:
Integrate more empirical evidence and studies to support your arguments.
Address counterarguments directly to show a balanced understanding of the issue.
Use a wider range of sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement.
Expand your vocabulary to make your points more compelling.
Ensure smoother transitions between sections for a more cohesive overall structure.
Overall Score: 39
Your persuasive essay on the necessity of compulsory voting effectively utilises vivid imagery and a clear argumentative structure to engage and persuade the reader. To elevate your writing, consider incorporating more empirical evidence, addressing counterarguments more thoroughly, and refining your grammar and vocabulary. By doing so, you will strengthen your persuasive power and provide a more compelling case for your viewpoint.
Rewritten:
Imagine a desolate nation, where its inhabitants are precariously balanced on the fragile threads of society, threads that fray under the chaos of misrule. This disarray stems from a singular oversight, a minor lapse that has inflicted profound distress across the nation. Citizens, driven to despair, flood the streets in protest, their outcry a testament to the violence that has seeped into the very fabric of their lives. In this realm, liberty is as elusive as an end-of-the-rainbow treasure, and the populace stands bitterly divided.
This scenario is not far-fetched in a world where voting is not mandated. The absence of compulsory voting invites negligence, rash decisions, and biased outcomes. Should voting become optional, its purpose is nullified, skewing the electoral results to no longer reflect the nation’s collective will. The likelihood of apathy towards voting could disproportionately benefit some, placing others at a disadvantage. This imbalance would distort the nation’s voice, propelling us towards a dystopian reality. Compulsory voting, I argue, is pivotal for collective decision-making, steering us away from such dire consequences.
Voting embodies the individual’s voice, ensuring equal consideration of all opinions in the democratic process. It is a right that affords everyone the opportunity to shape the governance of their country, not a privilege for the few. The essence of fair elections hinges on the participation of the entire electorate, without which the authenticity and integrity of the outcome are compromised.
Compulsory voting is essential for expressing collective will, legitimising election results as a true reflection of societal preference. Through this lens, I assert the importance of mandated participation in elections, underpinning a more democratic, just, and equitable society.
Thus, to disregard the value of compulsory voting is to risk the very principles of democracy. By embracing compulsory voting, we safeguard against the erosion of democratic values, ensuring a fair, just, and representative political process.
Is animal testing ethical?
Imagine a world with people having severe diseases, left and right because we couldn’t do animal testing! Animal testing has been with humans for generations and it might have saved a few people’s lives by now. Animal testing should be ethical because some of us might not be here without it, we can make sure the mediations can work and animal testing helps humans find new medical saviours.
Animal testing is crucial if we want to survive from diseases because some of us might not be here without it. Without animal testing, humans might die from deadly diseases without any medications. Without animal testing humans wouldn’t have figured out what medication work and that means saying good bye.
Another reason animal testing is ethical is because we can figure out if the medications work or not. For example, covid19 is a deadly disease that killed many people but do you think it worked. First try? No! it took series of testing to figure out if medications work.
Finally animal testing is ethical because it can help humans find newer medical saviours. Medicine has been a humans best tool and is always evolving. Animal testing helps that by figuring out what to do to improve a specific out what to do to improve a specific medicine which will someday save the world.
To end things off, Animal testing should be ethical because some of us might not be here without it, we can figure out if the medications work and it helps humans find newer medications. Let’s rethink this animal testing helps us stay alive. Without it I don’t know what will.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 9
Your essay demonstrates a coherent structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The progression of ideas from the necessity of animal testing for medical advancements to its ethical justification creates a logical flow. However, the essay would benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs to enhance readability. For instance, the transition from discussing the importance of animal testing for medical breakthroughs to its role in verifying medication efficacy could be smoother. Incorporating transitional phrases would guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 7
You have effectively outlined your main points and provided evidence to support your stance on animal testing. However, the essay could be strengthened by including more detailed solutions and discussing the potential consequences of not engaging in animal testing more thoroughly. Expanding on alternatives and ethical considerations could offer a more balanced view. For example, when mentioning that “animal testing should be ethical,” further elaboration on how this can be achieved would provide depth to your argument.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 7
The essay attempts to evoke a sense of urgency and concern regarding the consequences of abandoning animal testing, particularly in the context of deadly diseases. However, to deepen the emotional impact, consider adding personal stories or hypothetical scenarios that illustrate the potential loss of human lives. This approach could make the stakes more tangible for the reader. For instance, exploring how specific breakthroughs in medicine, achieved through animal testing, have saved countless lives could make your argument more compelling.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 7
Your conclusion reiterates the importance of animal testing but misses an opportunity to address counterarguments fully. Acknowledging and refuting common objections to animal testing would strengthen your position and demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the issue. This could involve discussing the ethical considerations and advancements in humane methods of testing.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
The essay is generally well-written, but there are occasional grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that disrupt the flow. For example, “medications can work and animal testing helps humans find new medical saviours” could be rephrased for clarity and conciseness. Paying closer attention to sentence structure and punctuation will enhance the readability of your work.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your vocabulary conveys your points effectively, yet there’s room for enhancement to elevate the sophistication of your essay. Consider the following synonyms to diversify your language:
Ethical, Synonym: Principled
Medications, Synonym: Pharmaceuticals
Saviours, Synonym: Benefactors
Crucial, Synonym: Vital
Evolving, Synonym: Advancing
Detailed Conclusive Feedback
Your essay passionately argues for the ethicality and necessity of animal testing in medical research, highlighting its indispensable role in saving lives and advancing medical science. To elevate your writing, focus on enhancing the structural flow with smoother transitions, deepening the analysis of solutions and consequences within the P.E.C.S. framework, and incorporating personal or hypothetical examples to evoke empathy. Addressing counterarguments comprehensively will also enrich your discussion, presenting a more balanced perspective. Grammatical precision and a more varied vocabulary will further refine your essay’s impact.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Utilise transitional phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and sections.
Expand on ethical solutions and humane alternatives to animal testing to provide a balanced view.
Incorporate real-life examples or hypothetical scenarios to evoke emotional engagement.
Address and refute counterarguments to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Enhance grammatical accuracy and diversify vocabulary to elevate the sophistication of your writing.
Overall Score: 38
Rewritten Essay:
Imagine a world where severe diseases ravage humanity unabated, a dystopian reality wrought by the absence of animal testing. This method, a cornerstone of medical research for generations, has played a pivotal role in safeguarding our health and spearheading the discovery of lifesaving treatments. It is imperative to acknowledge the ethicality of animal testing, not as a mere necessity but as a fundamental aspect of our survival and progress in medicine.
The indispensability of animal testing is underscored by its critical contribution to our battle against deadly diseases. The development of vaccines, such as those for COVID-19, exemplifies the iterative process of scientific discovery, necessitating multiple rounds of testing to ascertain efficacy. Without this foundational step, humanity would stand defenseless against pandemics, consigned to a fate dictated by untreated ailments.
Furthermore, animal testing is instrumental in the evolution of medicine, serving as a beacon guiding us toward novel therapeutic breakthroughs. Through meticulous research, scientists are able to refine and enhance treatments, paving the way for future generations to live in a world less encumbered by disease. This process is not merely about continuation but about ethical advancement, ensuring that our pursuit of medical progress does not compromise our moral principles.
Yet, the discourse on animal testing is incomplete without considering its ethical dimensions. It is essential to foster a dialogue that explores humane alternatives and enhances the welfare of animal subjects. Striking a balance between scientific inquiry and ethical responsibility is paramount, enabling us to advance medical science while upholding our ethical commitments.
In conclusion, the ethical justification of animal testing is rooted in its unparalleled contribution to medical science and human health. By embracing principled research practices, we can continue to combat diseases and discover new pharmaceutical benefactors. The challenge lies not in questioning the necessity of animal testing, but in refining our approach to it, ensuring that it is conducted with the utmost respect for ethical standards. Let us recommit to this endeavor, recognizing that the path to medical innovation is one we must navigate with both vigilance and compassion.
This is Bianca Ng’s writing – Should school be 4 days long?
Thank you!
Should school be four days long?
-Bianca Ng
Envision young souls, limp from their vigorous routine. Their creased spider web of skin encircled their eyes, sleepless nights apparent on their face. Their baggy uniforms choke their frame, posture crooked. This is the reality for many. Would you like to live like this?
Education plays a crucial role in every child and teenager’s life, however it should not be underestimated. Education can cause severe mental problems and in general they are very stressful times. Whilst I believe that education is a vital part of a person, I do not believe that it is necessary for a school to have 5 days of school. Follow the United States for example. The United States of America has recently promoted the idea for a 4-day school week. A 4-day school week will allow students to wind down from the hectic school schedule and to prepare for the new week, along with reviewing school work.
Furthermore, students must have more time to pursue their passions if there were to be a 4 day school week. A 2-day weekend is too short for one to rewind and to have free time. Alongside this, many take extra classes and tutors during the weekends, giving them no time to enjoy their weekends, another reason why I firmly believe that a 4-day school week is essential.
Lastly, a 4-day week is proven to enhance learning quality. Students will focus more on lessons as they are provided with more freedom within their free time, and a barrier will be easily distinguished, dividing times when they can play and when they have to study hard. Students won’t frolic in their imagination and overall their learning quality will improve massively. From all my reasons stated, I firmly believe that schools should be 4 days long instead of 5 days long.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay begins with a vivid description that successfully captures the reader’s attention, illustrating the toll that a rigorous educational schedule can take on students. This introduction sets a strong foundation for your argument in favour of a four-day school week. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother to ensure a more cohesive flow of ideas. For instance, after introducing the concept of a four-day school week, a more detailed explanation of how this system could be implemented effectively would enhance the structure of your argument.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You’ve made a compelling point regarding the benefits of a four-day school week, supported by the example of the United States considering such a change. To further strengthen your argument, incorporating statistical evidence or studies that showcase the positive impact of a reduced school week on students’ mental health and academic performance would be beneficial. This could include data on improved grades, reduced stress levels, or higher levels of student engagement. Additionally, exploring potential consequences, such as how this change might affect learning outcomes or teacher workloads, would provide a more balanced perspective.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 8
Your introduction effectively evokes a sense of empathy and concern for students overwhelmed by their current schedules. To deepen this emotional connection, consider sharing personal anecdotes or testimonials from students who have experienced burnout due to excessive school demands. This would not only humanise the issue further but also make your argument more relatable to a wider audience.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 7
While your conclusion reiterates your stance on the importance of a four-day school week, addressing potential counterarguments could strengthen your position. Critics might argue that a reduced school week could lead to gaps in learning or difficulties for working parents. Acknowledging these concerns and proposing solutions, such as enhanced after-school programs or community support systems, would demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the issue.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is generally well-written, with a clear and concise use of language. However, paying closer attention to sentence structure and varying your sentence length could enhance readability and engagement. For example, mixing short, impactful sentences with longer, more descriptive ones can create a more dynamic and engaging narrative.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys your message, though there is room for enhancement to elevate your argument’s sophistication. Consider the following synonyms to add variety:
Rigorous, Synonym: Strenuous
Mental problems, Synonym: Psychological issues
Stressful, Synonym: Taxing
Wind down, Synonym: Unwind
Hectic, Synonym: Frantic
Detailed Conclusive Feedback
Your essay presents a compelling argument for the adoption of a four-day school week, supported by vivid descriptions and a clear understanding of the issue’s impact on students. To further enhance your writing and argumentation:
Integrate more diverse evidence, including statistics and research findings, to substantiate your claims.
Address potential counterarguments to present a more balanced and persuasive case.
Use a wider range of vocabulary to add depth and sophistication to your writing.
Improve the structure and transitions between paragraphs for a smoother flow of ideas.
Share personal stories or testimonials to strengthen the emotional appeal of your argument.
By focusing on these areas, you can create a more compelling, well-rounded, and impactful essay that not only persuades but also deeply resonates with your audience.
Overall Score: 39
Rewritten:
Envision young minds, wearied from their relentless schedules. Their skin, etched with the marks of sleepless nights, frames their eyes like delicate cobwebs. Their oversized uniforms constrict their slender frames, their postures bent and weary. This stark reality is faced by many. Is this a life you would choose?
Education holds a paramount place in the lives of children and adolescents, yet its impact is often underestimated. The pressures of schooling can lead to significant psychological distress, marking these years with undue stress. While I staunchly advocate for the importance of education in shaping an individual, the necessity of a five-day school week is questionable. Consider the initiative by the United States to transition towards a four-day school week. This modification offers students a respite from the relentless pace of academic life, affording them time to recuperate, reflect on their studies, and prepare for the week ahead.
Moreover, a shortened school week would grant students the luxury of time to pursue their passions, something a brief two-day weekend cannot provide. The current system leaves scant room for personal time, especially for those engaged in extracurricular tutoring or classes during weekends. This underscores the critical need for a shift towards a four-day academic week.
Evidence suggests that a four-day school week can significantly enhance the quality of learning. With additional free time, students are likely to engage more attentively in their studies, striking a healthy balance between leisure and rigorous academic pursuit. This equilibrium not only curtails idle daydreaming but also fosters an environment where learning thrives, evidencing a marked improvement in educational outcomes.
Acknowledging potential reservations regarding this shift, it’s imperative to consider the broader implications, including the adaptation of curricula and the impact on parental schedules. However, the potential benefits for student wellbeing and academic engagement are too significant to overlook. It’s time for a reevaluation of our educational paradigms, embracing a model that cultivates a more balanced, healthy, and effective learning environment.
Topic 2
W4 Persuasives
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 9
Your essay begins with a compelling introduction that vividly describes the ethical concerns surrounding animal testing. This approach effectively sets the stage for the argument, highlighting the critical issue at hand. The structure of your essay, delineated into clear sections addressing environmental impacts, the reliability of animal testing compared to human biology, and ethical considerations, aids in navigating the reader through your points. However, a more cohesive transition between paragraphs could enhance the flow of your argument. For instance, “As we embrace the enchanted realm of advanced technology…we ought to pause and reflect” captures attention but could smoothly lead into the subsequent points by briefly outlining the essay’s structure.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You have successfully incorporated the P.E.C.S. framework into your argument, providing a solid foundation for your claims with relevant examples. The evidence of the negative environmental impact of animal testing and the inaccuracy of results due to species differences strengthens your argument. However, expanding on alternative methods and detailing their effectiveness could further solidify your stance. For example, “products based on animal-testing…lead to inaccurate results” could be enhanced by mentioning specific alternative research methods, such as in-vitro testing or computer modeling, and their benefits.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 9
The vivid imagery used to describe the suffering of animals in testing scenarios effectively evokes an emotional response from the reader. This strategy is powerful in persuading the reader to empathize with your viewpoint. To deepen the impact, incorporating statistical data or case studies could provide a balance of emotional appeal and logical evidence. For instance, detailing the plight of “weeping baby chimpanzees” can be accompanied by statistics on the number of animals affected annually.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
Your conclusion reiterates the importance of moving towards animal-free testing practices and calls for collective action. However, addressing potential counterarguments throughout the essay would strengthen your position by demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the issue. Discussing the challenges and limitations of transitioning to animal-free testing, and proposing solutions, would provide a more balanced argument. For example, acknowledging the current reliance on animal testing in medical research and discussing transitional strategies could be beneficial.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Overall, your essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and syntax. There are a few instances where sentences could be structured more clearly to enhance readability. For example, “the seriousness of the disease might get worse, causing hundreds of thousands of fatalities to occur” could be streamlined for clarity.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys the emotional and ethical weight of the topic. To further enrich your essay, consider diversifying your language:
Despicable, Synonym: Contemptible
Benevolent, Synonym: Compassionate
Sentient, Synonym: Conscious
Malevolent, Synonym: Malicious
Merciless, Synonym: Ruthless
Conclusive Feedback:
Your persuasive essay on the ethical considerations of animal testing is compelling and rich with emotional appeal. The vivid descriptions and structured argumentation effectively highlight the urgent need for change. To further enhance your writing:
Introduce smoother transitions between sections to guide the reader through your argument coherently.
Expand on alternative testing methods, providing evidence of their efficacy and relevance to human biology.
Balance the emotional appeal with statistical data or case studies for a well-rounded argument.
Address potential counterarguments to acknowledge and rebut the complexities of the issue.
Refine sentence structure for clarity and incorporate a broader range of vocabulary to enrich your narrative.
By implementing these suggestions, your essay will not only captivate but also provide a balanced and persuasive argument for the ethical reconsideration of animal testing. Your commitment to a more ethical future is commendable, and with these refinements, your writing will undoubtedly inspire action and change.
Overall Score: 42
Rewritten:
In the vanguard of technological advancement, it behooves us to contemplate the grave ethical implications of animal testing. This practice subjects countless animals to severe distress and agony in the name of scientific progress, raising profound moral questions. The sight of baby chimpanzees torn from their families and subjected to cruel experiments, or pigs facing inhumane treatment, should stir our conscience and compel us to seek humane alternatives.
Firstly, the environmental repercussions of animal testing are significant, contributing to greenhouse gas emissions and pollution. This not only degrades our natural habitats but also endangers countless species. By adopting alternative research methodologies, we can mitigate these impacts and foster a more sustainable and ethical approach to scientific inquiry.
Moreover, the genetic dissimilarity between humans and animals often renders animal testing results unreliable and potentially hazardous to human health. Historical failures in drug development highlight the need for more accurate and human-relevant research methods. Embracing alternatives such as in-vitro testing and computer simulations can enhance the precision of scientific outcomes while sparing countless animals from suffering.
Ethically, all creatures are entitled to respect and humane treatment, irrespective of their species. By choosing cruelty-free products and supporting animal welfare initiatives, we can make a significant impact on reducing animal suffering. Engaging in advocacy and legislative efforts further promotes a compassionate and ethical approach to our interactions with all living beings.
In conclusion, as we forge ahead in our technological journey, it is imperative to reassess our reliance on animal testing. By embracing ethical alternatives, we not only safeguard our environment and improve the accuracy of scientific research but also affirm our commitment to compassion and ethical stewardship. Let us unite in advocating for a future where scientific advancement proceeds hand in hand with respect for all sentient life.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/13GnszzcCApveSxyHcDU_WsN_FaoiMFl2FLSUR-c6OkE/edit
Should voting be compulsory?
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay begins with a compelling introduction that invites readers to imagine a scenario of voting freedom. The structure is clear, presenting three main arguments against compulsory voting. However, the transition between points could be smoother to maintain the reader’s engagement. For instance, the transition from the discussion on freedom to the critique of government laziness could be enhanced by linking these ideas more explicitly to demonstrate how one impacts the other.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 7
You’ve made a solid attempt at aligning your arguments with the P.E.C.S. framework, particularly highlighting the problems with compulsory voting and suggesting voluntary voting as a solution. Nonetheless, the evidence provided, such as the statistic about voter engagement, would benefit from clearer sourcing and elaboration. To expand further, consider incorporating studies or data comparing countries with compulsory voting to those without, to strengthen your argument about the consequences of compulsory voting.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 7
Your essay attempts to evoke the ‘pain’ of compulsory voting by highlighting its impact on individual freedom and governmental accountability. However, this could be deepened by sharing more personal or hypothetical stories that illustrate the negative experiences of voters under compulsory systems. This emotional connection could make your argument more persuasive and relatable.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 7
You touch upon counterarguments by acknowledging the civic duty of voting, akin to paying taxes, but there’s room to address opposing views more fully. A stronger approach would be to directly confront common arguments in favour of compulsory voting, such as increased political engagement, and refute them with evidence or logic. This would provide a more balanced and convincing conclusion.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
The essay is generally well-written, but there are minor grammatical errors and areas where sentence structure could be improved for clarity. For instance, “This means that we have the choice of our freedom taken away from us” could be revised for clarity and conciseness.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary conveys your points effectively, yet there’s potential to enrich your essay with more varied language. Consider replacing some of the more common terms with those that add depth to your argument.
Compulsory, Synonym: Mandatory
Lazy, Synonym: Complacent
Effort, Synonym: Endeavour
Care, Synonym: Concern
Important, Synonym: Crucial
Overall, your essay presents a clear stance against compulsory voting, backed by structured arguments and a call for voluntary voting. To further enhance your writing:
Integrate smoother transitions between paragraphs to weave your arguments into a cohesive narrative.
Provide more detailed evidence and examples to support your claims, including comparative studies or data.
Deepen the emotional appeal by incorporating personal stories or vivid hypothetical scenarios that highlight the ‘pain’ of compulsory voting.
Address and refute counterarguments more comprehensively to strengthen your position.
Pay attention to grammar and sentence structure, and enrich your vocabulary to enhance the persuasiveness and readability of your essay.
Encouragingly, with these adjustments, your essay has the potential to engage and persuade readers more effectively.
Overall score: 40
Rewritten:
Imagine residing in a country where voting is not a mandate but a privilege, where citizens are empowered to participate in the electoral process voluntarily, free from the constraints of obligation. This vision underscores the fundamental flaw in compulsory voting systems: the erosion of personal freedom and the complacency it breeds within our government.
Compulsory voting, while intended to foster civic duty, paradoxically strips citizens of a critical liberty—the right to choose. This infringement upon our autonomy is akin to being denied a voice in how our society is governed. The essence of democracy is not just in the act of voting but in the freedom to decide whether to participate in the electoral process.
The mandatory nature of voting has led to a complacency among Australian political entities, diluting the vigor with which they engage with the electorate. In a voluntary system, politicians would be compelled to work harder, to truly earn the electorate’s support, fostering a more dynamic and responsive political landscape. The current state, where campaigns often lack the fervour and innovation needed to genuinely connect with voters, highlights the urgency for reform.
Furthermore, the statistic that a mere 20% of voters in 2022 cast their ballots with genuine concern for their choices casts a shadow over the legitimacy of election outcomes. This apathy towards electoral participation suggests that the current system may not accurately reflect the will of the people. Transitioning to voluntary voting could enhance the quality of democratic participation, ensuring that those who vote do so with intention and insight.
Addressing the counterarguments, one might argue that compulsory voting ensures higher voter turnout, theoretically leading to more representative governance. However, high turnout devoid of sincere engagement does not equate to genuine representation. A democracy thrives on informed and willing participation, not on the mere quantity of ballots cast.
In conclusion, it is imperative that we reconsider the merits of compulsory voting. By embracing a system that values voluntary participation, we advocate for a more engaged and thoughtful electorate, a government that strives to earn its mandate, and a political leader who truly represents the will of the people. The path to a more vibrant democracy lies not in compulsion, but in the freedom to choose.
Is Animal Testing Ethical?
Imagine a world where the cutest of animals had terrifyingly long needles stuck into them. They would experience excruciating pain and let out noisy whimpers. Being treated like a test subject for a mad scientist. How inhuman is that? This happens to thousands of animals every single day for animal testing. Animal testing is not ethical because it is time consuming and expensive, it is cruel and it can give false results.
In today’s economy, money and time are worth a lot. Wasting time and money on animal testing is like throwing it away. It is pointless. It costs about 5000 dollars to testing on one animal. It is outrageous how much you are spending. You could do so much better things with that then buy animal testing.
Animals are crucial to anyone nowadays. They can be emotional support animals, house-hold pets or a wild animal. But countless animals are dying due to animal testing. If they don’t die, they are severely injured. How cruel are people? This could lead to animals going extinct and ither related causes. People are already protesting on the streets to stop animal testing. Stopping animal testing is good for us and animals.
Animals and humans evolved as two different things with different purposes. Using animals for testing like test subjects is not what they’re made for. We have different DNA and we need to make sure our tests are accurate. Animals can lead to false results and possibly lead to death. People need to understand the main purposes of animals and how their DNA and genetics are different to ours.
Animal testing is such a horrible thing. It is horrible because it is time consuming and expensive, it is cruel and it can give false results. People should learn why humans and animals live and not make animals tests subjects.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay begins with a vivid, emotive introduction that successfully captures the reader’s attention, setting a strong premise for the argument against animal testing. The structure you’ve chosen allows for a clear progression from the issue’s emotional impact to the logical arguments against animal testing, including its inefficiency, cruelty, and potential for inaccurate results. However, the transition between points could be smoother, and the conclusion could be reinforced by summarising the key arguments more effectively. For instance, the opening sentence, “Imagine a world where the cutest of animals had terrifyingly long needles stuck into them,” is compelling but would benefit from a more direct link to the subsequent arguments for greater cohesion.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay outlines the main points against animal testing effectively, citing the economic and moral implications. You provide evidence such as the cost associated with animal testing and mention public opposition as a form of social evidence. However, expanding on specific alternatives to animal testing, such as in vitro methods or computer modelling, could strengthen your argument by offering practical solutions. Additionally, elaborating on the consequences of continued animal testing on biodiversity and ecosystem balance would provide a more comprehensive view. For example, mentioning “It costs about 5000 dollars to testing on one animal” highlights the economic argument but could be enriched by comparing this cost to alternatives.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 8
The emotive language used, especially in the introduction, effectively evokes a sense of empathy and urgency. Your description of animals in pain is a powerful tool for persuading the reader of the cruelty inherent in animal testing. To further enhance this aspect, you could include case studies or statistics that quantify the scale of the issue, thereby deepening the emotional impact. For example, the phrase “They would experience excruciating pain and let out noisy whimpers” vividly conveys suffering but could be followed by specific examples or data to substantiate the claim.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 7
While your essay convincingly argues against animal testing, it only briefly touches upon potential counterarguments or the scientific community’s perspective. Acknowledging and refuting common justifications for animal testing could strengthen your position, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the debate. The conclusion summarises the essay’s main points but could further highlight the call to action or suggest a more explicit pathway towards change. For instance, the final paragraph reiterates the essay’s stance but could better encapsulate the urgency and necessity for a shift in practices.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Overall, your essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and syntax, with sentences generally well-constructed and clear. However, attention to detail in proofreading could improve the text’s professionalism and readability. Minor errors, such as the use of “testing” instead of “testing on one animal,” occasionally disrupt the flow. Expanding complex sentences and utilising a wider range of grammatical structures could also enhance the sophistication of your writing.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys the emotional and ethical dimensions of animal testing. However, incorporating more specific scientific and economic terms could add depth to your argument. Consider diversifying your language to avoid repetition and to more precisely articulate complex ideas.
Cruel, Synonym: Inhumane
Expensive, Synonym: Costly
False, Synonym: Inaccurate
Horrible, Synonym: Atrocious
Emotional, Synonym: Affective
Your essay passionately addresses the ethical concerns surrounding animal testing, employing a structure that builds from emotional appeal to logical arguments. To further enhance your writing:
Integrate smoother transitions between sections to create a cohesive narrative.
Provide more detailed evidence and practical alternatives to animal testing, enhancing the persuasiveness of your argument.
Include specific examples or case studies to substantiate claims, particularly when evoking the emotional pain of animals.
Address and refute potential counterarguments to demonstrate a balanced understanding of the issue.
Pay closer attention to proofreading to eliminate minor grammatical errors and refine your syntax for greater clarity and impact.
By implementing these suggestions, you can create a more compelling and comprehensive case against animal testing, engaging your readers on both emotional and intellectual levels. Your commitment to the subject is evident, and with further refinement, your writing can become an even more powerful tool for advocacy.
Overall Score: 39
Rewritten:
Imagine a scenario where the most endearing creatures endure the agony of being impaled by unnervingly long needles, their plaintive cries echoing the depths of their suffering. Subjected to the whims of experimentation, these animals bear the brunt of inhumanity, a stark reflection of our moral failings. This scenario is not mere conjecture but a daily reality for countless animals subjected to testing, a practice marred by ethical quandaries.
The economic and temporal ramifications of animal testing are profound, with each experiment not just a financial burden, approximating $5,000 per animal, but also a monumental waste of resources. This expenditure and effort could be channelled into more humane and efficacious research methodologies.
Animals, whether as companions, emotional support systems, or wild beings, play pivotal roles in our lives, yet many are condemned to untimely deaths or endure irreversible harm due to testing. This cruelty not only jeopardises animal welfare but also threatens biodiversity, prompting widespread calls for the cessation of animal testing.
The fundamental dissimilarities between human and animal biology underscore the inefficacy and potential danger of extrapolating data from animal models to humans. The pursuit of scientific accuracy demands the adoption of alternatives that respect the intrinsic value of animal life and ensure the reliability of research outcomes.
In conclusion, the ethical, economic, and scientific shortcomings of animal testing necessitate a reevaluation of our reliance on such methods. By embracing innovative approaches and fostering a deeper respect for all living beings, we can chart a course towards a more ethical and sustainable future in scientific research.
Should schools be 4 days long?
Picture a life where bored students went through back-breaking ours of tough, confusing work. Innocent children would have no breaks, no time to play sport and no time to socialize with their family or friends. Do you really want to be a busy bee for the 13 whole years? Do you really want to be as fatigued as a drained battery? It is extremely crucial that adolescent students get a time to sit down, relax and think about nothing. Students should certainly have four days of dynamic schooling a week.
To begin with, students often become shockingly fatigued when they have five days of school, as well as the teachers. Four days of school would be the ideal situation for school as students would be vigourous and ready for school and other activities. Students with the current 5 days of school are expected to do lots of homework and schoolwork, on top of their co-curricular activities. This causes students to be debilitated. Four days of schooling would fix this issue and make students actually learn more, as they are more intently focused.
Another point is that students are to busy from school to do any co-curricular activities. In my own experiences, I’ve realized that it is incredibly challenging to go through the struggle to do co-curricular activities like sport, music and languages. Numerous studies have proven that students who experience co-curricular activities learn more things quicker than other students (Especially music and languages). It is difficult to do this with five days of school, so, four days would give more time for students to participate in co-curricular activities.
Furthermore, if students had more time to spare from school, then they’d be able to socialize with their family and friends. This is exceptionally necessary because if you message, meet up and talk to your family and friends, then you will achieve better social skills, which are fundamental in life. Whenever you are trying to get a job, you need to be able to communicate clearly, and pronounce words correctly. You also need collaborate with you colleagues frequently. Also, seeing your cousins and family is particularly imperative so you sustain a positive relationship with them, but going to school too many days stops this.
In conclusion, it is extraordinarily essential for students to only have four days of schooling a week. This is because students become exhausted, don’t participate in co-curricular activities, and don’t socialize with family and friends. Students also learn more when they are energized and focused, and not drowsy. They also learn better when they are undertaking co-curricular activities. It is surely definite that students should have four days of school.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay is well-organised, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which effectively outlines the argument for a four-day school week. The opening statement, “Picture a life where bored students went through back-breaking hours of tough, confusing work,” immediately sets the stage for the discussion. However, the essay could benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader more smoothly from one point to the next. Additionally, reinforcing the thesis statement at the beginning of each body paragraph could strengthen the overall coherence of your argument.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You’ve done well to articulate the problems associated with a five-day school week, such as fatigue and lack of time for co-curricular activities. The claim that “Numerous studies have proven that students who experience co-curricular activities learn more things quicker” is a strong one. To enhance your argument, including specific references or data from these studies would provide more concrete evidence to support your points. Further exploration of how the proposed four-day week could positively impact academic performance and personal development would also enrich your essay.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 8
The essay effectively uses vivid imagery to evoke the challenges and stress faced by students, with phrases like “as fatigued as a drained battery.” This approach successfully draws the reader’s empathy towards students’ plight. To deepen the impact, you could further explore the psychological and physical effects of excessive stress on adolescents, providing a more comprehensive view of the issue’s seriousness.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
Your conclusion succinctly summarises the key points and reiterates the necessity of a four-day school week. However, addressing potential counterarguments would strengthen your essay by demonstrating an understanding of different perspectives. For example, discussing possible concerns about reduced instructional time and how they could be mitigated would show a well-rounded consideration of the topic.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
The essay is generally well-written, with few grammatical errors. However, attention to detail in proofreading could improve readability and professional appearance. For instance, “hours” instead of “ours” in the opening sentence would correct a minor typo.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys the essay’s message, with terms like “debilitated” and “vigourous” adding strength to your arguments. For further improvement:
“Exhausted,” Synonym: “Fatigued”
“Crucial,” Synonym: “Imperative”
“Debilitated,” Synonym: “Enervated”
“Vigourous,” Synonym: “Energetic”
“Dynamic,” Synonym: “Active”
Conclusive Feedback
Your essay compellingly advocates for a four-day school week, highlighting significant issues such as student fatigue, the importance of co-curricular activities, and the need for family and social time. While the structure and argumentation are strong, the essay could be enhanced by addressing potential counterarguments, providing specific evidence, and improving transitions between points. Attention to detail in grammar and syntax, as well as a more varied vocabulary, would also elevate the overall quality of your writing.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Incorporate specific studies or data to support your claims.
Address potential counterarguments to present a balanced view.
Use clearer transitions to enhance the flow of the essay.
Proofread carefully to correct minor grammatical and typographical errors.
Expand your vocabulary to add depth and precision to your arguments.
Overall Score: 40
Rewritten Essay:
Envision a scenario in which students, overwhelmed by a relentless schedule, navigate through arduous, perplexing assignments without respite. Such a relentless pace denies them the essential leisure for sports, familial interaction, or camaraderie with peers. Is it truly desirable to endure the relentless toil of a thirteen-year academic marathon, emerging as wearied as a depleted battery? It is paramount that adolescents are afforded moments of repose, to unwind and engage in contemplation. A restructured academic week, comprising four days of engaging education, emerges as a compelling proposition.
Primarily, the current five-day educational regime often precipitates profound exhaustion among students and educators alike. A four-day academic schedule would not only rejuvenate learners, rendering them more receptive to educational content and extracurricular pursuits but also mitigate the overwhelming demands placed on their time and energy. This modified schedule promises an enhancement in learning efficacy, fuelled by heightened concentration and a diminished propensity for fatigue.
Moreover, the relentless demands of a five-day school week significantly curtail opportunities for engagement in enriching co-curricular activities. From personal experience, the challenge of balancing educational obligations with pursuits in sports, music, and languages is formidable. It is well-documented that such activities significantly expedite the learning process, particularly in areas requiring acute cognitive engagement. A transition to a four-day week would afford students the precious time necessary for these developmental pursuits, fostering a more holistic educational experience.
Additionally, the allocation of more leisure time would facilitate enhanced social interaction with peers and family, a cornerstone of well-rounded personal development. Effective communication, a critical skill in both personal and professional realms, is honed through regular interaction. The ability to articulate thoughts clearly, collaborate effectively with colleagues, and maintain strong familial bonds is indispensable. The current educational model, with its excessive demands on students’ time, undermines these essential aspects of personal growth.
In summation, the transition to a four-day educational week is not merely a logistical adjustment but a profound reimagining of the academic landscape. It addresses the critical issues of student well-being, engagement in co-curricular activities, and the nurturing of familial and social ties. Furthermore, it posits a scenario where students are not only more academically focused but are also provided with the opportunity to develop into well-rounded individuals. The imperative for such a transformative shift in our educational paradigm is clear, underscoring the necessity for a balanced approach to learning and personal development.
A world where your country is in chaos, businesses failing and people losing their jobs daily. A sloppily elected government, who are not suited to control the country at all, nor make decisions that impact the whole country. Desperate and frantic decisions are made everyday in wild attempts to seize control. Soon, your country becomes nothing more than a joke, and your efforts to live well are wasted. This is the result of citizens refusing to vote.
Intentionally voting for who you think should lead the country can impact the next couple years of your life heavily, for better or for worse. Even a singular vote can prevent a corrupt government from taking over and using the country for their own benefit. Without your vote, the country could fall into absolute madness and chaos, with recession taking over, cost of living and interest rates rising higher and higher. If you vote, you can make up for all of those who do not, and bring peace to the country.
Voting means that everyone has a say in what they believe their government should be like. Our system of voting puts trust into the hands of the people, and voting for who you put your trust in is a basic decision that puts you partially in charge of running the country. Without your vote, our voting system would be lopsided and unfair, with groups not being voted for by the people who believe in them.
Not voting means there are so many decisions that the group you could’ve voted for would be hidden from you. How would you feel , if you lived in the hands of a sloppy government, but if you had voted, you could’ve had the happiest years of your life? Maybe that group would have made a small change that would’ve meant getting your dream job, or getting to purchase your dream house.
Voting should be compulsory, because so many aspects of your life could change, with a simple scribble mark on a sheet of paper. A good government elected, your vote taking control over who will lead this country, and your life possibly being filled with more joy than if you had not voted.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay presents a clear progression from the chaos of a nation without the involvement of its citizens in the electoral process to the positive impact individual votes can have. The structure effectively introduces the problem, discusses the importance of voting, and concludes with a strong call to action. However, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to guide the reader more seamlessly from one point to the next. For example, after discussing the chaos resulting from non-participation, a smoother transition into the importance of individual votes could enhance coherence.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You’ve outlined the significance of voting with a clear point, evidenced by the potential negative outcomes of a poorly elected government. Your solution, encouraging compulsory voting, is well-argued. However, providing more specific examples or statistical evidence could strengthen your argument. For instance, referencing countries where compulsory voting has led to positive outcomes would offer concrete evidence supporting your solution.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 8
The essay effectively evokes a sense of urgency and potential loss by depicting a dystopian future resulting from voter apathy. This emotional appeal is a strong motivator for action. To further this impact, consider including personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios that readers can easily relate to, making the pain of inaction more tangible. For example, “Imagine missing the opportunity to influence healthcare reforms that directly affect your family.”
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
Your conclusion reiterates the importance of voting and the dire consequences of abstaining. However, addressing potential counterarguments more thoroughly could strengthen your position. For example, some might argue that their single vote does not matter in the grand scheme; directly refuting this with evidence or logic would make your argument more compelling.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is largely well-written, with a few minor grammatical errors that could be refined. Paying closer attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct use of commas would polish your writing. For instance, ensuring that complex sentences are punctuated correctly would improve readability.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your vocabulary is generally effective and appropriate for the persuasive nature of the essay. To elevate your writing, consider varying your word choice to avoid repetition and make your arguments more compelling. Here are some suggestions:
Chaos, Synonym: Turmoil
Government, Synonym: Administration
Desperate, Synonym: Dire
Compulsory, Synonym: Mandatory
Joy, Synonym: Elation
Overall, your essay compellingly argues the importance of voting and its impact on governance and societal well-being. To further improve, consider the following:
Integrate smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your argument.
Include more concrete evidence or examples to support your claims, such as statistics or case studies.
Incorporate personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios to make your emotional appeals more relatable and impactful.
Address potential counterarguments more thoroughly to strengthen your position.
Pay attention to grammatical details and vary your vocabulary to enrich your writing and avoid repetition.
Encouraging active participation in voting processes is crucial, and your essay does well to highlight this. By refining these aspects, you can make your persuasive efforts even more effective.
Overall Score: 40
Rewritten Essay:
In a world teetering on the brink of disorder, where businesses falter and unemployment soars, the consequences of a haphazardly chosen government become starkly apparent. Such an administration, ill-equipped to steer the national helm, resorts to hasty, often reckless decisions in a bid to assert control, relegating the country to the status of an international farce. This grim scenario stems from a collective reluctance to engage in the electoral process.
The act of casting one’s vote is not merely a civic duty but a pivotal force capable of shaping the socio-political landscape for years to come. Each vote holds the potential to thwart the ascendancy of a self-serving government, thereby averting the descent into chaos and economic downturn. The absence of your ballot contributes to a reality marred by escalating living costs and unbridled inflation. Conversely, your participation can counterbalance apathy, ushering in stability and prosperity.
Voting embodies the principle that governance should reflect the populace’s will. It entrusts the fate of the nation to its citizens, making every decision to vote an exercise in shared sovereignty. A skewed electoral turnout undermines this democratic foundation, sidelining voices that might have championed transformative policies.
Consider the path not taken: a government that fails to resonate with your aspirations, concealing opportunities for happiness and fulfillment. The decision to abstain from voting denies you the chance to influence changes that might secure your ideal job or home.
Mandating voting isn’t merely bureaucratic; it’s a safeguard ensuring that every facet of our lives can be positively altered with a simple act of participation. Through voting, we exercise control over our collective destiny, choosing leaders who reflect our values and aspirations. Thus, a well-elected government can be the harbinger of joy and satisfaction, a testament to the power vested in each vote.
A world where your country is in chaos, businesses failing and people losing their jobs daily. A sloppily elected government, who are not suited to control the country at all, nor make decisions that impact the whole country. Desperate and frantic decisions are made everyday in wild attempts to seize control. Soon, your country becomes nothing more than a joke, and your efforts to live well are wasted. This is the result of citizens refusing to vote.
Intentionally voting for who you think should lead the country can impact the next couple years of your life heavily, for better or for worse. Even a singular vote can prevent a corrupt government from taking over and using the country for their own benefit. Without your vote, the country could fall into absolute madness and chaos, with recession taking over, cost of living and interest rates rising higher and higher. If you vote, you can make up for all of those who do not, and bring peace to the country.
Voting means that everyone has a say in what they believe their government should be like. Our system of voting puts trust into the hands of the people, and voting for who you put your trust in is a basic decision that puts you partially in charge of running the country. Without your vote, our voting system would be lopsided and unfair, with groups not being voted for by the people who believe in them.
Not voting means there are so many decisions that the group you could’ve voted for would be hidden from you. How would you feel , if you lived in the hands of a sloppy government, but if you had voted, you could’ve had the happiest years of your life? Maybe that group would have made a small change that would’ve meant getting your dream job, or getting to purchase your dream house.
Voting should be compulsory, because so many aspects of your life could change, with a simple scribble mark on a sheet of paper. A good government elected, your vote taking control over who will lead this country, and your life possibly being filled with more joy than if you had not voted.
“School Should be Four Days Long”
Exhausted, enslaved children, agonisingly trudge to hell, their ties choking their necks, shoes clinging on painfully to their aching feet. As soon as they enter the threshold of the prison, they instantly become brainwashed slaves. School is an unbearable prison of misery, the classrooms isolated prison cells. Imagine sending your child to this gruesome place for 5 days! This is why school must be changed to 4 days instead.
To begin with, 4 days at school, would mean decreased stress and increased mental health. If school was 4 days, it would be less stressful, improve academic grades and a significant improvement of attendance. Without an extra day at school, students can relax, get more exercise, do something more productive than sitting in a classroom everyday or catch up on extra homework or projects. A student usually comes back to school relaxed but not enough. An extra day at home is proven improve their overall mood throughout the week.
Additionally, 4 days of school can improve a student’s academic result. “But the results show that, a four-day school week had a statistically significant positive impact on maths scores of 7%.” Says Lucy Smith, a teacher that has been teaching for over ten years. After resting for a whole summer holiday, my studies at school have been significantly higher!” says Oak Ridge school, Dom Kordosky. This is the second reason why it is undoubtably important for school to be 4 days.
Last but not least, the amount of bullying will decrease. When parents and students heard about this, a total of 85% voted for 4 days of school. Bullying happens everywhere. However, it has decreased an enormous 39% after many schools have tested out a new and better curriculum.
In conclusion, if you do not want thousands of students to suffer, school should certainly be 4 days!
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay commences with a vivid, albeit hyperbolic, analogy comparing school to a prison, setting a strong emotional tone. This approach grabs the reader’s attention effectively, although it risks overstating the argument’s premise. A more nuanced introduction could provide a balanced viewpoint, acknowledging both the challenges and benefits of the current education system before arguing for a four-day school week. For example, you might say, “While school serves as a cornerstone for learning and development, the current five-day schedule may contribute to undue stress and diminished well-being among students.”
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score: 9/10
You have adeptly included points, evidence, and a solution to support the argument for a four-day school week, citing statistical improvements in mental health and academic results. To further bolster your argument, consider incorporating broader research studies or expert opinions on the long-term educational and psychological impacts. This could enrich your essay by providing a more comprehensive understanding of the potential benefits and challenges. For instance, “Research from various educational institutions indicates that a shortened school week can lead to an enhanced learning environment, where students are more engaged and teachers can focus on quality over quantity.”
Evoking Pain – Score: 8/10
The essay effectively evokes a sense of urgency and discomfort with the current state of schooling, using phrases like “Exhausted, enslaved children” to stir the reader’s emotions. To expand upon this, you could offer real-life anecdotes or testimonials from students and teachers who have experienced both traditional and modified school weeks, thus humanising the argument and making the pain point more relatable. “Students, when given the chance to breathe and engage in self-directed learning on their off days, report feeling more motivated and less burnt out.”
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 7/10
While your conclusion reiterates the need for a four-day school week to alleviate student suffering, addressing potential counterarguments could strengthen your position. Acknowledging concerns such as childcare challenges for working parents or the possible need for curriculum adjustments could demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the issue. A balanced conclusion might state, “Adopting a four-day school week, while necessitating careful planning and community support, promises a more humane approach to education that values student well-being as much as academic achievement.”
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your essay is generally well-written, with a few minor errors in grammar and syntax that disrupt the flow. Paying closer attention to sentence structure and punctuation will enhance readability and professionalism. For example, “After resting for a whole summer holiday, my studies at school have been significantly higher!” could be revised to, “After a restful summer holiday, I have observed significant improvements in my academic performance.”
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
[Exhausted], Synonym: Fatigued
[Stressful], Synonym: Taxing
[Significant], Synonym: Considerable
[Improved], Synonym: Enhanced
[Decrease], Synonym: Diminish
Your persuasive essay on adopting a four-day school week is a compelling and spirited argument for change in the education system. However, incorporating a more balanced perspective, providing additional evidence and expert opinions, and addressing potential counterarguments could make your case even stronger. Paying closer attention to grammar and expanding your vocabulary would also enhance the clarity and persuasiveness of your writing.
To improve your essay further, consider the following suggestions:
Integrate a balanced view by acknowledging the benefits of the current system alongside its drawbacks.
Include a wider range of evidence, such as international case studies or expert opinions on educational reform.
Address potential counterarguments to pre-empt criticism and demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
Refine your grammar and sentence structure to ensure your argument is presented as clearly and professionally as possible.
Expand your vocabulary to more accurately convey your arguments and engage your audience.
Overall score: 40
Rewritten:
The notion that school, a pivotal institution for learning and development, could transform into a source of undue stress for students, is increasingly gaining traction. This discourse has led to the proposal of a four-day school week, a reform aimed at enhancing mental well-being and academic performance. By reducing the school week, we envisage an education system where stress is significantly mitigated, allowing students to dedicate time to rest, exercise, and personal pursuits. Such a schedule is not without precedent; emerging research and testimonials highlight its potential to improve mood and engagement among students. Moreover, the reduction in school days has shown promising results in decreasing instances of bullying, indicating a positive shift in school culture. While some may raise concerns about the logistical implications of this shift, the overarching goal is to create a learning environment that prioritises student health and academic quality. In reimagining our approach to education, we open the door to a more balanced, fulfilling student experience.
“Stop Animal Testing!”
Black shadows slump against a small, rusting cage, quivering in fear. Their large eyes tired and helpless, hoping for a miracle that would give them hope. They had matted, rough fur and their future was clearly reflected in their big eyes. This is what is happening to some small animals like rats and rabbits. They are being caught and taken away to undergo animal testing. Three important reasons why animal testing should obviously be banned is it would damage the food chain and biodiversity of animals; millions of animals get killed to animal testing and many of them die before they are even tested on and it is unquestionably cruel to them.
Firstly, did you know that millions of innocent animals get killed just for the artificial beauty of humans. Defenceless puppies, cats, rabbits, and other animals endure excruciatingly brutal tests, often without any painkillers, while force fed toxic chemicals into their throats. After those tests, the surviving “victims” either get shot, electrocuted, or decapitated to death. This is only the first reason why animal testing is cruel and should be banned.
In addition, the death of at least half of the animals brought to be tested on is unnecessary and cruel, as many of them die before they are even tested on due to stress, losing hope or pain White Coat Waste Project found that about 4,000 dogs and cats endured painful procedures — including those in which they were denied painkillers — and were deliberately injured by animal tested. 34.5 billion dollars were used for animal testing which could be used for more important and humane things.
Lastly, animal testing kills many animals who are part of the food chain. This also damages the ecosystem of animals. If these animals are killed, other predators of them like boars, lions and many more will slowly go hungry from the sudden decrease of prey.
In conclusion, people should stop the outrageous abuse to defenceless animals.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay has a clear structure that effectively outlines the argument against animal testing. The introduction vividly sets the scene with “Black shadows slump against a small, rusting cage,” immediately drawing the reader into the subject matter. However, to enhance the structure, consider integrating transitions that smoothly link the sections together. This would help in creating a more cohesive argument flow. For instance, after discussing the cruelty of animal testing, you could segue into its impacts on biodiversity and the food chain by highlighting the interconnection between ethical treatment of animals and environmental sustainability.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You have successfully utilised the P.E.C.S. framework by presenting a point, supporting it with evidence, proposing a solution, and discussing the consequences. The statement “34.5 billion dollars were used for animal testing which could be used for more important and humane things” effectively illustrates the economic consequences of animal testing. To extend your ideas further, you might explore alternative scientific methods that could replace animal testing, such as in vitro testing or computer modelling, and discuss the potential benefits of these methods not just economically, but also in terms of scientific accuracy and ethical considerations.
Evoking Emotion – Score out of 10: 8
The essay powerfully evokes emotion, particularly with descriptions like “Defenceless puppies, cats, rabbits, and other animals endure excruciatingly brutal tests.” To deepen the emotional impact, consider incorporating personal stories or case studies of animals that have suffered due to testing procedures. This would provide a more relatable and heart-wrenching perspective on the issue, potentially motivating readers to support the cause against animal testing.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 7
Your conclusion effectively summarises the argument against animal testing, reinforcing the need for change. However, addressing potential counterarguments could strengthen your position. For example, you might acknowledge the argument that animal testing has contributed to medical advances but counter it by highlighting recent technological developments that offer humane and more reliable alternatives. This would demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the topic and reinforce the urgency of your call to action.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is generally well-written, with a few minor grammatical errors. For instance, consider revising “millions of animals get killed to animal testing” to “millions of animals are killed due to animal testing.” Paying attention to verb tense consistency and subject-verb agreement will further polish your writing.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys the seriousness of the topic. To enhance your essay, consider varying your language to avoid repetition and add depth to your arguments. For example:
“Defenceless” could be replaced with “vulnerable.”
“Cruel” could be substituted with “inhumane.”
“Killed” could be exchanged for “slaughtered.”
“Artificial beauty” could be altered to “cosmetic enhancements.”
“Outrageous abuse” could be modified to “egregious maltreatment.”
Conclusive Feedback
Your essay passionately argues against animal testing, effectively utilising vivid descriptions and economic data to support your stance. To further improve your writing:
Integrate smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your argument.
Explore and detail alternative methods to animal testing, underscoring their benefits.
Incorporate personal stories or case studies to heighten emotional impact.
Address potential counterarguments to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
Pay close attention to grammar and syntax, and enrich your vocabulary to deepen your argument’s impact.
Be encouraged that your writing already strongly advocates for an important cause. With these adjustments, your essay can become an even more compelling and persuasive piece.
Overall Score: 39
Rewritten Essay:
In the shadowed confines of diminutive, corroding cages, figures tremble, their large, desolate eyes searching for a glimmer of hope. The matted fur of these small creatures—rats, rabbits among them—bears testament to their suffering. Captured for the purpose of scientific experimentation, they face a grim fate. This narrative underscores the urgent necessity to abolish animal testing, a practice detrimental to ecological balance, responsible for the untimely demise of countless animals, and a stark embodiment of cruelty.
Primarily, consider the harrowing reality that countless animals are sacrificed on the altar of cosmetic advancement. Vulnerable beings such as puppies and rabbits endure agonising procedures, often devoid of analgesics, subjected to the forced ingestion of noxious substances. The survivors, merely residual casualties, meet their end through methods as barbaric as electrocution. This barbarity alone justifies the cessation of animal testing.
Moreover, the premature death of many animals destined for experimentation—lost to stress or despair even before tests commence—underscores the cruelty inherent in this practice. Research by the White Coat Waste Project reveals the infliction of deliberate harm upon thousands of animals, a needless expenditure of $34.5 billion that could be redirected towards humane and beneficial endeavours.
The ecological ramifications of this practice are profound. The eradication of species integral to the food chain precipitates a cascade of hunger across the ecosystem, affecting predators and the balance of nature alike.
In conclusion, the abhorrent treatment of defenceless animals under the guise of scientific progress demands immediate cessation. The ethical implications, coupled with the environmental and financial costs, present an irrefutable case against animal testing. It is a call to action, urging society to embrace alternatives that respect life and foster a sustainable future.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/17zrRaJOHwikhs8QTPDpmc5xdCZ6aLs3JadXjOV0lbLc/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-F_O7RgQgoGcfNSXjzNUDsHo6ask9lt7I_Zv8r1ylfU/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/112FPteU21xVl_zJjhV1ApXrwYmUbRYDYAMqYv1hBBJA/edit
Madhav Rajesh Scholarly 3 Persuasive Texts
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Should Voting be Compulsory
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay presents a coherent structure, effectively introducing the topic, developing arguments, and concluding with a strong statement on the importance of compulsory voting. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, the transition from the depiction of a society without compulsory voting to the benefits of making voting mandatory is somewhat abrupt. Enhancing these transitions could make your argument more persuasive.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score: 8/10
You’ve done well in outlining the problems of optional voting and proposing compulsory voting as a solution. The consequences of not implementing mandatory voting, such as societal division and weakened democracy, are compellingly argued. To further strengthen your essay, consider including more specific evidence or case studies from countries where compulsory voting has had positive effects. This could provide a stronger foundation for your claims.
Evoking Pain – Score: 7/10
The opening scenario effectively evokes the potential pain points of a society without compulsory voting. However, the emotional impact could be intensified by incorporating real-world examples where the lack of participation has led to negative outcomes. This would make the consequences more tangible for the reader.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 8/10
Your conclusion reinforces the necessity of compulsory voting for democracy’s health. Nevertheless, addressing potential counterarguments more thoroughly could strengthen your position. For example, consider the arguments against compulsory voting, such as concerns over personal freedom, and refute them directly. This would demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the issue.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your essay is generally well-written, with few grammatical errors. However, attention to detail in terms of syntax could improve readability and ensure that your arguments are clearly understood.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
[Compulsory], Synonym: [Mandatory]
[Participation], Synonym: [Involvement]
[Diverse], Synonym: [Varied]
[Engagement], Synonym: [Involvement]
[Accountability], Synonym: [Responsibility]
To enhance your essay, consider diversifying your vocabulary. This would not only enrich your language but also provide clarity and precision in your arguments.
In conclusion, your essay effectively argues for the necessity of compulsory voting in maintaining democratic integrity and societal cohesion. To further refine your essay, consider the following suggestions:
Introduce smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your narrative.
Incorporate specific examples or case studies to substantiate your points.
Deepen the emotional impact by detailing real-world consequences of low voter turnout.
Address potential counterarguments to present a more balanced view.
Pay closer attention to grammatical details and diversify your vocabulary for clarity and impact.
Your overall score is 39/50. With these improvements, your essay could present an even more compelling case for compulsory voting.
Rewritten:
Imagine a society where voting is not mandated. Daily lives could devolve into street battles, conflicts between factions, and protesters disrupting routine activities. This scenario might unfold if voting were not obligatory. In nations where ballot casting is optional, certain demographics might opt out, leading to decisions that fail to mirror the populace’s diverse requirements. Such outcomes could ferment dissatisfaction and division. Absence of required voting might precipitate a scenario where apathy towards political affairs erodes societal harmony.
Mandatory voting ameliorates these issues by ensuring all qualified citizens partake in elections, fostering a sense of duty and broadening decision-making participation. This inclusivity fosters a more equitable society. Through obligatory voting, representatives are more likely to embody the diverse viewpoints of the entire electorate, bolstering democratic fairness.
Additionally, compulsory voting augments social cohesion, motivating active political engagement. Obligatory participation instils a sense of accountability in officials, aware that they represent a comprehensive electorate. This nurtures trust in governance and fortifies societal bonds.
Compulsory voting stands as a pillar for democracy, ensuring the inclusion of all voices in the political dialogue, fostering inclusivity, and reinforcing the legitimacy and responsibility of elected figures. By enforcing mandatory voting, societies can stride towards a representational democracy that genuinely addresses and serves the collective needs and aspirations of all citizens.
hello sorry it is a bit late please mark
hello sorry it is a bit late please mark.
writing scholarly week 4
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument against a four-day school week. The structure aids in the coherence of your argument, as seen in “Imagine a world where schools operate on a condensed four-day schedule instead of the traditional five.” However, the essay could benefit from clearer transitions between points to enhance the flow of arguments and maintain reader engagement.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You successfully identify key points and provide evidence to support your stance, such as the potential for a “vast growing population that lacks crucial knowledge, forming a low economic society.” To further strengthen this section, consider incorporating more diverse sources of evidence, including studies or statistics, and discussing potential solutions in more depth. This approach will enrich your argument and offer a more comprehensive analysis.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 7
The essay effectively highlights potential negatives associated with a four-day school week, especially regarding educational outcomes and societal impacts. For instance, “Children must be taught the importance of learning and to endure hardship in order to succeed in life.” To enhance this aspect, you could delve deeper into the emotional and psychological effects on students, teachers, and families, providing a more rounded perspective on the issue.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 7
You briefly mention possible benefits of a four-day school week but focus predominantly on its drawbacks. Acknowledging and thoroughly refuting counterarguments would strengthen your position. For example, discussing how the benefits might be outweighed by the negative educational and economic implications. A more balanced consideration would make your conclusion more persuasive.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
The essay is well-written with few grammatical errors. However, attention to sentence variety and complexity could improve readability and engagement. For instance, “Considering that parents may need to change their schedule such as stopping work to collect kids after school for the sake of this useless routine.”
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
[Schedule], Synonym: [Timetable]
[Limiting], Synonym: [Restricting]
[Crucial], Synonym: [Vital]
[Transitioning], Synonym: [Shifting]
[Perceived], Synonym: [Observed]
Your essay provides a robust argument against the adoption of a four-day school week, highlighting significant concerns regarding educational quality and societal impact. To enhance your writing:
Integrate clearer transitions to improve the flow and coherence of your argument.
Include a broader range of evidence, such as statistical data or case studies, to support your points.
Explore the emotional and psychological implications of your argument in greater depth.
Offer a more thorough examination of counterarguments to provide a balanced perspective.
Employ a wider variety of sentence structures to enhance the readability and engagement of your essay.
By focusing on these areas, you can elevate your argumentative writing and more effectively persuade your audience. Your commitment to the subject is clear, and with these adjustments, your essay will undoubtedly have a stronger impact.
Overall Score: 38
Rewritten:
Envision a scenario in which educational institutions adopt a condensed timetable, transitioning to a four-day week instead of the conventional five. This proposition, while superficially attractive for its promise of extended weekends, masks significant detriments. Schools are not merely venues of academic pursuit; they are foundational to instilling vital knowledge essential for societal prosperity. A restricted schooling schedule threatens to cultivate a populace deficient in essential skills, potentially precipitating an economically stagnant society.
Moreover, the implementation of such a schedule disrupts familial routines, compelling parents to adjust their work schedules, a disruption born from an arguably flawed educational reform. It is imperative that students comprehend the value of education and the resilience required for success. Diminishing educational contact to four days risks creating lacunae in students’ learning trajectories and challenges in sustaining academic engagement. The benefits perceived from this adjustment pale in comparison to the educational compromises it necessitates.
Additionally, this schedule risks further undervaluing educators, exacerbating existing discontent and societal discord. The preservation of a five-day educational framework is essential for maintaining the integrity of learning experiences, ensuring students receive a comprehensive education. While the allure of a shortened week is undeniable, the associated educational and societal costs demand a thorough reevaluation of this proposal.
my writing
Is Animal Testing ethical
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay establishes a clear structure, beginning with an evocative introduction that sets the tone for the argument against animal testing. The passage, “Imagine a life trapped in the dark and cold,” effectively draws the reader into the ethical considerations at stake. To further enhance the structure, consider a more distinct separation between sections that outline the problem, the ethical arguments, alternatives to animal testing, and the conclusion. This would aid in guiding the reader through your argumentation more smoothly.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You have successfully identified a critical issue, provided evidence of the cruelty involved in animal testing, suggested alternatives, and highlighted the consequences of continuing such practices. The statement, “Ethical alternatives to animal testing exist and are continually being developed,” underscores the core of your argument. Expanding on the specifics of these alternatives, including their scientific credibility and ethical advantages, would enrich your argument and offer a more compelling case for their adoption.
Evoking Emotion – Score out of 10: 9
Your vivid descriptions of the suffering endured by animals in testing laboratories are deeply moving. By stating, “This is the grim reality for millions of animals worldwide,” you effectively evoke empathy and a sense of urgency to address the issue. To deepen the emotional impact, you could incorporate firsthand accounts or testimonies from scientists who have witnessed these conditions, thereby adding a personal dimension to the ethical arguments presented.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 7
While your essay passionately advocates against animal testing, it lightly touches on counterarguments. Acknowledging and rebutting common justifications for animal testing, such as its role in medical advancements, would strengthen your position. Your conclusion could then reiterate the necessity of ethical considerations over scientific convenience. “Animal testing is an unethical practice,” serves as a strong closing statement, but integrating a call to action could further empower your conclusion.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is largely well-written, with a few minor grammatical inconsistencies. Adjustments for British English spelling conventions and closer attention to sentence structure could refine the overall readability. For instance, ensuring verb tense consistency and correct article usage would polish your writing.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of words effectively conveys the seriousness of the subject. However, diversifying your vocabulary could enhance the persuasiveness and sophistication of your essay. Consider the following substitutions to elevate your language:
Cruelty, Synonym: Barbarity
Experiments, Synonym: Trials
Suffering, Synonym: Anguish
Alternatives, Synonym: Substitutes
Unethical, Synonym: Immoral
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay compellingly addresses the ethical concerns surrounding animal testing, employing a structure that guides the reader through the issue, evidence, and proposed solutions. To further enhance your argument, consider providing more detailed examples of ethical alternatives, incorporating counterarguments to present a balanced view, and enriching the emotional appeal with personal testimonies. Paying closer attention to grammatical details and employing a more varied vocabulary would also elevate the quality of your writing.
To improve your writing:
Integrate specific examples and case studies to illustrate the success of alternative testing methods.
Address and refute common counterarguments to strengthen your position.
Use personal accounts or testimonies to enhance emotional appeal and ethical arguments.
Pay close attention to British English spelling and grammatical conventions.
Employ a more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary to enrich your expression.
Overall score: 40
Rewritten:
Envision a life ensnared in darkness and chill, endowed with the capacity for pain and emotional experience, yet condemned to spend its existence within the confines of a laboratory cage. This entity is subjected to harrowing experiments, stripped of its natural habitat, and forced to bear agony for human convenience’s sake. Such is the harrowing reality for countless animals globally, utilised in diverse testing realms—from cosmetics and domestic goods to pharmaceuticals and medical research.
Notwithstanding its prevalent application and purported merits, animal experimentation stands as an affront to the fundamental rights of animals to exist free from undue harm and harsh substances. These beings, devoid of the ability to consent, are frequently subjected to procedures inflicting profound suffering and distress.
The barbarity of animal trials is a paramount concern; creatures endure physical anguish, psychological torment, and often face enduring health repercussions from detrimental procedures. From force-feeding substances to inducing diseases, these trials impose unspeakable anguish on innocent beings.
Viable substitutes for animal trials are in continuous development, offering a beacon of hope. Investing in these substitutes not only liberates numerous animals from torment but also propels scientific advancement through more accurate data provision.
Animal experimentation, a practice marred by immorality, demands cessation. It subjects animals to severe and agonising treatments and must be supplanted by burgeoning technological advancements, fostering a more compassionate environment and halting the infliction of excruciating pain.
This is my writing homework.
Week 4 Year 6 Writing Homework
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay starts with a vivid and engaging introduction, effectively setting the stage for the argument in favour of compulsory voting. By presenting a dystopian scenario as the consequence of optional voting, you capture the reader’s attention. However, the transition between the introduction and the main arguments could be smoother to guide the reader through your points more clearly. For instance, after describing the chaotic dystopia, you could more explicitly state that the essay will explore how compulsory voting prevents such outcomes, thereby providing a clearer roadmap for your argument.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score: 8/10
You’ve done a commendable job of outlining the significance of compulsory voting, using the concept of P.E.C.S. effectively. Your points are well-made, particularly the emphasis on the role of voting in gathering diverse opinions. Nevertheless, expanding your evidence base could strengthen your argument. Discussing real-world examples where compulsory voting has positively impacted democratic processes would lend more credibility and depth to your claims. Additionally, exploring the consequences of compulsory voting in more detail could provide a more comprehensive understanding of its importance.
Evoking Pain – Score: 7/10
Your introductory depiction of a world marred by chaos due to the absence of voting rights successfully evokes a sense of urgency and concern. This approach effectively highlights the stakes involved in the discussion about compulsory voting. To enhance this strategy, consider incorporating personal stories or hypothetical scenarios that illustrate the direct impact of a lack of compulsory voting on individuals’ lives. Such narratives could make the consequences feel more immediate and personal to the reader.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 7/10
While your conclusion reiterates the importance of compulsory voting, addressing potential counterarguments throughout the essay would strengthen your position. Engaging with opposing views, such as concerns about personal freedom or the effectiveness of compulsory voting, and then refuting them, could make your argument more robust. Your conclusion could then not only summarise your points but also demonstrate how the essay has addressed these counterpoints, reinforcing the necessity of compulsory voting.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your essay is well-written with few grammatical or syntactical errors. Nevertheless, varying sentence structure and employing more complex grammatical constructions could enhance the readability and sophistication of your writing. For example, incorporating more compound and complex sentences could add nuance to your arguments.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
The vocabulary you’ve chosen is appropriate and aids in conveying your argument effectively. For further improvement, consider the following substitutions to enrich your language:
“Anarchic dystopia” could remain as it effectively conveys the intended meaning.
“Unqualified contenders” could be replaced with “inept contenders,” to underscore their lack of suitability more sharply.
“Fray” is already an excellent choice, vividly describing the breakdown of societal bonds.
“Oppressed” could be substituted with “subjugated,” to emphasise the severity of tyranny.
“Erosion” might be replaced with “deterioration,” to highlight the gradual decline of democratic values.
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay compellingly argues for the importance of compulsory voting, using a vivid narrative to draw the reader in and solid points to build your case. To elevate your writing further, consider incorporating real-world examples and addressing counterarguments to provide a more balanced and persuasive argument. Expanding on the consequences of not adopting compulsory voting with more specificity could also add depth to your essay. Enhancing the complexity of your grammar and syntax, along with a strategic enrichment of your vocabulary, will improve the overall sophistication of your writing.
Suggestions for improvement include:
Incorporate real-world examples of compulsory voting’s impact.
Address and refute common counterarguments to compulsory voting.
Use more varied and complex sentence structures.
Expand on the personal and societal consequences of a lack of compulsory voting.
Enrich your vocabulary further to enhance the sophistication of your essay.
Overall Score: 38/50
Rewritten:
Envisage a dystopian world, bereft of the cornerstone of democracy: the right to vote. This world teeters on the brink of chaos, with inept contenders vying for control over our future, leading us into an era marked by anarchy and despotism. The scenario depicted is not merely speculative; it represents the grim aftermath of sidelining compulsory voting, thrusting our societies into turmoil and autocracy. This discourse aims to underscore the paramount importance of voting rights in forestalling such a bleak future.
First, the absence of compulsory voting signifies a detachment from the citizenry’s voice, rendering political surveys, like referendums and polls, ineffective. These instruments are vital for the evolution of a nation, offering insights into the populace’s diverse experiences and guiding improvements in their lives. Without a mandate to vote, decision-making becomes the prerogative of a select few, potentially misinformed, citizens, skewing the democratic process.
Moreover, compulsory voting enfranchises all citizens, ensuring their opinions are equitably considered. This right is fundamental, enabling every individual to influence their governance, thereby upholding the integrity of elections. The essence of democracy is diluted when the electorate’s participation wanes, compromising the election outcomes’ legitimacy.
Ignoring the imperative of compulsory voting risks eroding democratic principles. By championing this cause, we defend the democratic values against degradation, ensuring a representative political process that is fair and just. Engaging with counterarguments, such as the debate on personal freedom versus civic duty, enriches the discourse, demonstrating compulsory voting’s critical role in a vibrant democracy.
W4 Writing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LQ2_DsNsm5l2ZC1w7rEcFWNtT4EwM-vzcrC6ecUdaV4/edit
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
WEEK 4 ALEX
Week 4 Writing HW
Have you ever gone home to find that there’s a bunch of homework on your desk? Well I believe that children should get an extra day’s rest in return for our hard work. Kids should get a 3 day weekend because it helps release stress, students are busy and more rest can improve students’ quality of work.
Firstly, students must have an extra day’s rest because it releases stress. Have you ever worked all day and still can’t finish your homework? Well an extra day can be a day where a student finishes their work instead of stressing about it. By not being stressed out, students can perform better at their work. That’s only one reason why students should have an extra day’s rest.
Secondly, students must have an extra day’s rest because most of them are really busy. Do your parents sign you up for any tutoring? Well most children do tutoring. They have to not only keep up with schoolwork but also their tutoring homework. By having an extra day to do their work, students can improve the quality of it. That is why students must have an extra day’s rest.
Lastly, students must have an extra day’s rest because their quality of work is better. As proven with the last 2 points, having an extra day’s rest can definitely improve students’ quality of work. By having a higher quality of work, students can improve their minds. That is yet another reason why students must certainly get an extra day’s rest.
In conclusion, students must get an extra day’s rest because it releases stress, students are busy and it even improves their work! That is why students must get an extra day’s rest.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay is well-organised, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The structure facilitates a straightforward flow of ideas, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument. “Kids should get a 3 day weekend because it helps release stress, students are busy and more rest can improve students’ quality of work” effectively sets the stage for the points you plan to discuss. To enhance structure, consider signposting your main points more distinctly within the introduction and transitions between paragraphs, ensuring each section smoothly leads to the next.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You’ve made a commendable effort in linking your points to evidence and suggesting solutions. “By not being stressed out, students can perform better at their work” is a strong statement that could be further strengthened by incorporating specific studies or statistical data to back your claim. Adding real-world examples or case studies where reduced workweeks have benefited students could enrich your argument and provide a more solid foundation for your claims.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 7
You effectively evoke the reader’s empathy with phrases like “Have you ever worked all day and still can’t finish your homework?” This approach helps to engage the reader emotionally. To deepen this connection, you could include personal anecdotes or more vivid descriptions of the challenges faced by students. Expanding on the personal and societal consequences of excessive homework could make your argument more compelling.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 7
Your conclusion succinctly wraps up your argument, reinforcing the need for an extra day’s rest. However, addressing potential counterarguments could strengthen your essay. Consider discussing common objections to a three-day weekend, such as the potential for learning loss, and offer rebuttals. This would not only show a comprehensive understanding of the issue but also anticipate and alleviate concerns from skeptics.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and syntax, with sentences that are mostly clear and well-constructed. “That is why students must get an extra day’s rest” is a clear and effective statement. However, varying sentence structure and complexity could enhance readability and engagement. Look for opportunities to combine sentences or use more complex structures to convey nuance.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of words is appropriate and communicates your ideas effectively. However, to elevate your essay, consider the following vocabulary enhancements:
Stress, Synonym: strain
Busy, Synonym: preoccupied
Improve, Synonym: enhance
Quality, Synonym: calibre
Work, Synonym: assignments
Incorporating these synonyms can add variety and depth to your writing.
Overall, your essay presents a compelling argument for a three-day weekend for students, highlighting significant benefits such as stress reduction, accommodation of busy schedules, and improved quality of work. To further refine your essay:
Integrate more detailed evidence and examples to support your claims.
Address and rebut potential counterarguments to present a balanced and persuasive argument.
Utilise a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement.
Consider including personal anecdotes or case studies to strengthen the emotional appeal of your argument.
Ensure your introduction and conclusion are strong and reflective of the essay’s main points.
By following these suggestions, you can create a more persuasive and engaging essay. Keep up the good work, and continue to refine your writing skills. Your ability to argue passionately and persuasively is clear, and with a bit more polish, your writing will be even more compelling.
Overall score: 38
Rewritten Essay:
Have you ever returned home only to be greeted by a towering stack of assignments awaiting your attention? I firmly advocate for the introduction of an additional day of rest for children as a reward for their diligent efforts. Instituting a three-day weekend would significantly alleviate stress, cater to students’ hectic schedules, and ultimately enhance the calibre of their work.
Firstly, an additional day of rest is imperative for mitigating stress among students. The common scenario of tirelessly working yet failing to complete assignments is far too familiar. An extra day offers the chance to conclude tasks without the looming pressure, thereby enhancing overall performance and quality of work.
Furthermore, the majority of students juggle a packed agenda. Extracurricular activities, coupled with tutoring, demand substantial time and energy. An extended weekend would provide a much-needed breather, allowing students to excel both academically and in their personal development.
Moreover, the improvement in work quality with an extra day of rest is undeniable. The correlation between adequate rest and heightened cognitive function is well-documented, suggesting that a refreshed mind is more capable of producing superior work.
In conclusion, the benefits of an additional rest day are manifold, encompassing stress reduction, accommodation of students’ extensive commitments, and a marked improvement in work quality. Embracing this change would not only bolster academic achievements but also support the holistic well-being of students.
Vihaan Scholarly Writing HW W4
Imagine a desolate land, ravaged into the depths of anarchy and poverty. Insurgence sprouts across the nation like timeless weeds, though devastating and demonic. A spectre’s hand would cling to the nation, tightening with each anxious beat. Would you want to live in a nation like this, where wealth has disappeared into memory? Voting allows us to express our decisions clearly. We ought to vote, to ensure the safety of our country, so it does not linger in the mists of oppression.
After not voting, nations transform into dictatorship, refusing the rights of the people. This will undoubtedly lead countries into the ditches of poverty. Recession becomes a monster, an obstacle hindering the path to true democracy and triumph. Poverty shakes the nation, vigorously refusing to let go. People, smirked in dirt and grime, lazily doze on the sidewalk, their heavy facade hiding the desperation they are in. To avoid this devastating result, voting can help save the nation.
Due to poverty, a question of safety appears. After homelessness, life expectancies lower, and freedom rips away from you like teared paper. Anarchy kicks in like a disease, as riots pop out of nowhere without the government’s watchful gaze. People’s lives disappeared into the mists of memory. However, simply voting can make all the difference.
Health, an important part of humans’ success, is a pivotal part of a successful society. However, after poverty can leak in, people cannot afford surgeries, or even a visit to the doctor. They often end up with terminal diseases, coated with grime and dirt. To ensure a non-anarchy community, voting is the right choice.
In conclusion, a democratic society can support a beautiful thriving nation, unaware of the devastating intentions of anarchy and poverty. Voting can help shape the definition of a nation, a future where dictatorships are nonexistent. Next time you vote, vote with your heart to ensure your wealth, safety, and health do not disappear into dust.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay begins with a vivid description of a dystopian society, effectively setting the stage for the argument in favour of voting. This approach captivates the reader’s attention from the outset. However, the transition between the introduction and the subsequent arguments could be smoother to maintain the flow of your narrative. For instance, the leap from describing a desolate land to the importance of voting is abrupt. To improve, you might consider adding a sentence that more clearly connects the opening scenario with the thesis about voting’s importance, such as “This grim future can be averted through the simple yet powerful act of voting, a cornerstone of democracy that ensures our voices are heard and heeded.”
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You have effectively used the P.E.C.S. framework to structure your argument, making clear points, providing evidence, and suggesting voting as a solution to avoid negative consequences. However, the essay would benefit from more detailed evidence and a deeper exploration of how voting directly impacts societal issues. For example, when discussing poverty and health, incorporating statistics or case studies could strengthen your argument. Expanding on how voting has historically led to positive changes in similar situations could further solidify your case.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 7
The vivid imagery used to evoke the pain and despair of a society in turmoil is compelling. Phrases like “People, smirked in dirt and grime, lazily doze on the sidewalk,” effectively stir emotions. To deepen the impact, consider exploring not only the physical but also the psychological consequences of the scenarios you describe. Adding personal stories or hypothetical case studies could make the suffering more relatable and the need for action more urgent.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
Your conclusion reiterates the importance of voting in maintaining democracy and preventing societal decay. However, the essay would be strengthened by addressing potential counterarguments. Acknowledging and refuting common reasons people might abstain from voting could make your argument more persuasive. A sentence like “While some may feel their vote makes little difference, history is replete with examples where a single vote has swayed major decisions, underscoring the power each individual wields at the ballot box.”
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is generally well-written, with few grammatical errors. However, attention to detail in terms of syntax could enhance readability and clarity. For instance, some sentences are overly complex or awkwardly constructed, which could potentially confuse readers. Simplifying these sentences while maintaining their meaning would make your argument more accessible.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary is strong, painting a vivid picture of the issues at hand. To further enrich your essay, consider these synonyms:
Desolate, Synonym: Barren
Insurgence, Synonym: Rebellion
Devastating, Synonym: Catastrophic
Anarchy, Synonym: Lawlessness
Recession, Synonym: Downturn
Detailed Conclusive Feedback
Your essay passionately underscores the critical importance of voting in safeguarding democracy and averting societal collapse. The vivid descriptions and the use of the P.E.C.S. framework effectively convey your message. However, there is room for improvement in terms of structure, evidence, and addressing counterarguments. By making the suggested adjustments, your essay could become an even more compelling and persuasive piece.
To improve your writing:
Ensure smoother transitions between sections to maintain the flow of your argument.
Include more detailed evidence and case studies to support your points.
Address and refute potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
Simplify complex sentences to improve clarity and readability.
Expand your vocabulary to enrich your descriptions and arguments further.
Be encouraged by the strength of your foundational ideas and the potential impact of your writing. With refinement and attention to these aspects, your essay can more effectively persuade readers of the paramount importance of voting.
Overall Score: 39/50
Rewritten:
Imagine a barren landscape, where chaos and destitution have taken root like indestructible weeds. A spectre of despair grips the nation, its hold tightening with every moment of uncertainty. Would you choose to inhabit such a place, where prosperity has faded into mere memory? The act of voting presents us with a unique opportunity to decisively express our preferences. It is imperative that we participate in elections to safeguard our nation from descending into the shadows of tyranny and neglect.
Neglecting our right to vote can lead nations down the perilous path towards dictatorship, where citizens’ freedoms are trampled underfoot. Such governance invariably leads to economic downturns and entrenched poverty. Recession then emerges as a formidable barrier, obstructing the journey towards genuine democracy and success. Poverty engulfs the nation, its grip unyielding, as individuals, marked by filth, find solace on the pavements, their weary exteriors masking the desperation within. Voting emerges as a beacon of hope, offering salvation from these dire circumstances.
Poverty not only questions the security of our existence but also lowers life expectancies, tearing away freedom as effortlessly as one might tear paper. Anarchy festers, breeding chaos, as spontaneous riots erupt without the government’s vigilant oversight. Lives fade into oblivion, yet the simple act of voting can alter this grim fate.
Health, a cornerstone of human achievement and societal success, is jeopardized when poverty prevails. Without financial means, medical treatments become unattainable luxuries, leading to widespread disease and despair. Voting stands as a critical measure to prevent the descent into lawlessness and ensure community well-being.
In summary, a democratic society fosters a vibrant, flourishing nation, immune to the destructive forces of anarchy and poverty. Through voting, we define our nation’s future, envisioning a realm free from dictatorship. When casting your next vote, do so with conviction, to preserve your wealth, safety, and health from turning to dust.
Imagine a world where politics were nothing. The only way to decide was to fight. Blood, gut and gore scattered onto the land of the livingThis world will behave in these monstrous ways if we, however, do not vote, our world can and will act better than this. Fighting, using your voice, and contributing are all reasons that we MUST vote.
Fighting and war. Two main components of not voting. If you don’t want to end our world in devastation, and disaster, vote. Voting is an important and crucial way of keeping our world out of danger and war. Picture yourself in the deadly radiation of gas masks, dead bodies piling around. Blood spilt everywhere. Voting could change this. Change this into a peaceful world, where no one is harmed. Where no one is barely touched inside their own personal bubble. This is only one of the strongest protests on why voting should be mandatory.
Voices. Your voices. They are important and unique. Voting can change all of the introverts everywhere and at any time. Without voting, your voices would not be heard, would not be seen. Would not be accepted and taken into thought and consideration. With your voice, you can show the world that you care. And that you deserve to be treated with respect and success. Voting will make you feel better, and make your special voice earn some deeply needed respect. This is not even the biggest reason why voting must be compulsory.
Speaking of your voice being heard, your vote could be the vote that makes the one percent difference. The vote holding the success and fame your nominated person will receive. You will be acknowledged as the vote that broke the tie. The vote that succeeded your person. Without you, there would be no leader. There would be no hope for the future generations that come to live on this wonderful planet full of life.
People should vote. Without voting the whole world would go KABOOM!, if that doesn’t happen, your voices and personality would not be recognised, and furthermore, if there is a tie, you could possibly be the reason why. Remember, the more you do, the more we get!
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay begins with a powerful hypothetical scenario that instantly grabs the reader’s attention, setting a strong foundation for the argument in favour of voting. By transitioning from a world dominated by violence to the potential for peace through voting, you effectively outline the stakes involved. However, the structure could be enhanced by clearer transitions between paragraphs and a more explicit outline of the main arguments at the beginning. For instance, introducing the concept of P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) early on could guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You adeptly utilize the P.E.C.S. framework to structure your argument, beginning with the dire consequences of not voting and moving towards the positive change voting can bring. Nevertheless, further expansion on each component would strengthen your argument. For example, while you mention that voting can prevent wars, elaborating on historical instances where the absence of democratic processes led to conflict could serve as compelling evidence. Furthermore, discussing potential solutions to increase voter turnout and their expected positive outcomes could enrich your narrative.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 8
The vivid imagery of war and devastation you employ effectively evokes a sense of urgency and fear, compelling the reader to consider the importance of voting. To deepen the impact, you might consider adding personal stories or testimonials that highlight the real-life consequences of political apathy. This approach could make the pain more relatable and the call to action even more compelling.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
Your conclusion reiterates the importance of voting but misses an opportunity to address potential counterarguments. Acknowledging and refuting common reasons people abstain from voting could reinforce your argument and demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the topic. For instance, addressing the belief that one vote does not matter with evidence to the contrary could strengthen your persuasive efforts.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is generally well-written, with a few minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that disrupt the flow. For instance, refining sentences like “Without voting, your voices would not be heard, would not be seen” to “Without voting, your voices would go unheard and unseen” could improve readability. Additionally, ensuring consistency in tense and subject-verb agreement will enhance the clarity of your writing.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of words is effective in conveying the gravity of the situation and the importance of voting. However, incorporating a broader vocabulary could add depth to your argument and engage the reader further. Consider the following substitutions to elevate your language:
Devastation, Synonym: Catastrophe
Crucial, Synonym: Imperative
Acknowledged, Synonym: Recognised
Compulsory, Synonym: Mandatory
Respect, Synonym: Esteem
Conclusive Feedback
Your essay passionately underscores the critical role of voting in maintaining peace and democracy. The use of evocative imagery and the P.E.C.S. framework establishes a compelling case. To further refine your essay, consider:
Introducing a clearer structure at the beginning to guide the reader through your argument.
Expanding on the evidence and solutions related to the benefits of voting.
Including personal anecdotes or historical examples to make your points more relatable and persuasive.
Addressing common counterarguments to showcase a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Improving grammatical precision and expanding your vocabulary to enhance the overall readability and impact of your essay.
Overall Score: 40
Rewritten Essay:
Imagine a realm where political discourse is rendered obsolete, and disputes are resolved solely through combat. In such a world, the earth itself bears the scars of battle, with violence reigning supreme. This dystopian vision serves as a stark reminder of the chaos that could ensue in the absence of civic participation. Voting emerges as our shield against this descent into turmoil, offering a beacon of hope for peace and stability.
In the tapestry of democracy, each voice is a unique thread, vital to the integrity of the whole. The act of voting transcends mere choice; it is an affirmation of our voices and an assertion of our rights. In a world silenced by apathy, the ballot box stands as a podium for the voiceless, offering a chance to be heard and to influence the course of history.
Consider the power of a single vote, a solitary beacon capable of guiding the ship of state through the tumultuous waters of political deadlock. Your participation holds the potential to sway outcomes, to be the fulcrum upon which the scales of democracy tip. In the grand narrative of our times, every vote is a testament to the belief in a future forged by collective will rather than by the sword.
Thus, the act of voting is not merely a right but a solemn duty, a pledge to future generations that we shall not resign our fates to chance or conflict. By engaging in the democratic process, we weave a stronger, more resilient fabric of society, one that is capable of withstanding the tests of time and adversity.
Let us not be the architects of our own destruction through inaction. Instead, let us embrace our responsibility to vote, to ensure that our voices echo through the halls of time, heralding an era of peace, prosperity, and participatory governance. In doing so, we affirm our commitment to a world where dialogue triumphs over discord, and unity prevails over division.
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W4-Writing-Harry Wu
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay presents a clear introduction, development of arguments, and a conclusion, which adheres to the basic structure of a persuasive essay. You begin with a strong statement of belief in the necessity of compulsory voting, followed by a series of arguments supporting this view. The phrase “Here are reasons below” efficiently signals the start of your argumentation, guiding the reader through your points in a structured manner. To further enhance your essay’s structure, consider introducing each argument with a distinct topic sentence that summarises the paragraph’s main idea, thus providing a clearer roadmap for your readers.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You effectively outline the points and consequences of not implementing compulsory voting, asserting how it impacts government decisions and the accuracy of voting results. However, the evidence and solutions aspects could be expanded. For instance, when you mention, “The government would not know to add new schools or parks or more infrastructure,” integrating specific examples or data could strengthen your argument. Consider citing studies or examples from countries with compulsory voting to demonstrate the positive outcomes of such policies.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 8
Your attempt to evoke a sense of urgency and importance regarding compulsory voting, especially in the context of maintaining democracy, is commendable. The statement, “Some unfortunate citizens do not have the freedom of being part of a democracy,” effectively highlights the privilege of democratic participation. To deepen the emotional impact, you could further explore the consequences of apathy towards voting, perhaps by drawing on historical examples where lack of public engagement led to detrimental outcomes for societies.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
You succinctly summarise your arguments in the conclusion, reiterating the importance of compulsory voting. However, addressing potential counterarguments would strengthen your essay by showing an understanding of differing perspectives. For example, concerns about personal freedom and the ethics of compulsory participation could be acknowledged and then countered with arguments supporting the greater good and societal benefits of such a system.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is generally well-written, with a few minor grammatical and syntactical errors. Phrases like “voting results would not be accurate because the results will only consist of” could be streamlined for clarity and conciseness. Paying attention to verb tense consistency and sentence structure will enhance the readability of your work.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
[Opinions], Synonym: [Views]
[Accurate], Synonym: [Precise]
[Government], Synonym: [Authorities]
[Democracy], Synonym: [Democratic system]
[Tradition], Synonym: [Custom]
Conclusive feedback criticising the essay as a whole:
Your essay passionately advocates for compulsory voting, presenting a clear argument and structure. However, it would benefit from a more detailed examination of evidence and solutions, as well as the inclusion of counterarguments to provide a balanced perspective. Addressing these aspects would not only strengthen your argument but also demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic. Furthermore, refining grammar and expanding vocabulary would enhance the overall clarity and impact of your essay.
Suggestions on how to improve writing:
Integrate specific examples or data to support your arguments.
Address potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
Use a variety of sentence structures to enhance readability.
Expand your vocabulary to more precisely convey your arguments.
Ensure grammatical accuracy and consistency throughout your essay.
Overall score: 40
Rewritten:
Compulsory voting is paramount for ensuring that governments accurately gauge public opinion, leading to well-informed decisions. Without it, the essential voices of citizens risk being overshadowed by apathy or busyness, resulting in skewed electoral outcomes and potentially unrepresentative governance. A thriving democracy relies on the active participation of its constituents; thus, the act of voting should not be seen merely as a right but as a civic duty. Countries lacking this democratic engagement often witness the erosion of civil liberties and the rise of autocratic rule. Therefore, mandating voter participation safeguards the democratic process, ensuring that all viewpoints are considered in the shaping of our societies. Acknowledging counterarguments, such as concerns over personal freedom, it is crucial to argue that the collective benefit of compulsory voting—maintaining a robust and inclusive democracy—far outweighs individual inconveniences. By fostering a culture of participation, we fortify our democratic institutions and affirm our commitment to a society governed by the will of its people.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JdJNc0TJ5hMjJXCYE1FyzdtdCod1niUtHcEzlJvCcTc/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HbO5wVn5oi13zR6iRVobgIPUlge8TVd4TMz9S1btL7Y/edit?usp=sharing
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure
Score: 9/10
Your essay effectively organises ideas into three distinct sections, each addressing a different topic: compulsory voting, animal testing ethics, and the length of the school week. This segmentation allows for a clear exposition of ideas. However, the transitions between sections could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence. For instance, in the voting segment, you jump directly into the consequences of not voting without first laying a more solid foundation of its importance in maintaining democracy.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences)
Score: 9/10
You present compelling arguments across the topics, offering a blend of hypothetical scenarios, ethical considerations, and potential solutions. A notable example is the vivid description of animal testing’s cruel reality, which effectively underscores your point about its unethical nature. To further strengthen your arguments, consider incorporating statistical evidence or real-world examples to back up your claims. For instance, in discussing compulsory voting, mentioning countries where it’s implemented and its impact on political engagement would provide a more convincing argument.
Evoking Emotion
Score: 8/10
Your narrative successfully evokes an emotional response, particularly in the animal testing section, where you describe the plight of a rabbit and its family. This approach makes the reader empathise with the animals’ suffering. To enhance this emotional connection, you could expand on the emotional and psychological impacts on humans who empathise with animal suffering, thereby broadening the appeal of your argument.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion
Score: 8/10
Your essay concludes each section with a strong statement reinforcing your initial position. However, it lacks engagement with potential counterarguments, which could enrich the discussion. For example, when advocating for compulsory voting, acknowledging and rebutting common criticisms (such as concerns about individual freedom) would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the issue.
Grammar and Syntax
Score: 4/5
The essay is generally well-written, with few grammatical mistakes. However, attention to detail in sentence structure could improve readability and the overall flow of your arguments. For instance, varying sentence length and structure could enhance the dynamic quality of your writing.
Vocabulary
Score: 4/5
Your choice of words is effective in conveying your message across the different topics. To elevate your writing:
Chaos, Synonym: Turmoil
Disastrous, Synonym: Catastrophic
Unethical, Synonym: Immoral
Compelling, Synonym: Persuasive
Cruelty, Synonym: Barbarity
Detailed Conclusive Feedback
Your essay demonstrates a passionate engagement with each topic, offering a persuasive viewpoint on compulsory voting, the ethics of animal testing, and the benefits of a four-day school week. Your use of vivid descriptions and rhetorical questions effectively engages the reader’s interest and empathy. However, there’s room for improvement in the following areas:
Incorporating statistical evidence or real-world examples to reinforce your arguments.
Smoothing transitions between sections to enhance the essay’s overall coherence.
Expanding on the emotional impacts to deepen reader engagement.
Addressing potential counterarguments to provide a more balanced and comprehensive discussion.
Paying closer attention to grammar and sentence structure for improved clarity and readability.
By addressing these areas, you can further refine your writing and strengthen the persuasiveness of your arguments. Your dedication to the topics is clear, and with these adjustments, your essays could become even more compelling and impactful.
Overall Score: 42/50
Rewritten
Imagine a society devoid of the democratic right to vote, plunged into chaos with power-hungry leaders vying for dominance, leading to global unrest and injustice. Voting is not merely a right but a keystone of democracy, offering the public the power to shape their leadership and future, countering the descent into authoritarian rule where power is concentrated in the hands of the few, risking tyranny and oppression.
The cruelty of animal testing, depicted through the harrowing experience of a rabbit, highlights the moral bankruptcy of sacrificing sentient beings for scientific gain. Ethical alternatives, such as advanced computer modelling, present a humane and efficient pathway forward, aligning scientific progress with moral integrity.
The proposition for a four-day school week addresses the chronic exhaustion plaguing students, advocating for a balance that fosters both academic and personal growth. Reducing the school week can rejuvenate learning enthusiasm, allowing students to approach education with renewed vigour and focus.
Isabella Wang Week 4 Year 6 Writing Homework Scholarship:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HfhrQWbx1I6-xALXbgBmVE0AdGVYXnnOo3WFSPv7Oho/edit?usp=sharing
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay begins with a vivid description, setting a dramatic scene to capture the reader’s attention. The introduction “Envisage a world where the ground is covered with ashes” effectively sets the tone for the urgency of voting. However, the structure could be enhanced by clearly delineating the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each section should seamlessly transition into the next, guiding the reader through your argumentation. To improve, consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to preview the point you will discuss, thereby making the overall structure more coherent and easier to follow.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score: 8/10
Your essay outlines the importance of voting and the potential consequences of apathy well. The assertion that “a government will represent its citizens needs and wants” underscores the necessity of participation. However, it would benefit from more detailed evidence and examples to substantiate your points. Expanding on historical or contemporary instances where compulsory voting has led to positive outcomes could strengthen your argument. Moreover, discussing the mechanisms through which compulsory voting could be implemented and addressing potential challenges would provide a more comprehensive analysis.
Evoking Pain – Score: 8/10
The imagery of a world in disarray is compelling and effectively evokes the emotional pain associated with governmental neglect. The phrase “the streets are full of protestors, the tyrannical government having nothing to do but watch its country fall into pieces” is particularly powerful. To enhance this further, you could include personal stories or testimonials that illustrate the direct impact of political disengagement on individuals and communities. This would make the pain more relatable and underscore the urgency of your call to action.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 7/10
Your conclusion summarises the essay’s main points but misses an opportunity to address counterarguments. Engaging with opposing views, such as the argument that compulsory voting infringes on personal freedom, and rebutting them would strengthen your position. A more robust conclusion would not only reiterate the importance of voting but also anticipate and disarm potential criticisms, thereby presenting a more persuasive and balanced argument.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
The essay is generally well-written, with a few minor grammatical and syntactical errors. For instance, “our country to stay in pieces” seems to be a typo or misuse of words, where “peace” might have been intended instead of “pieces”. Ensuring precise language and proofreading for typographical errors will enhance the clarity and professionalism of your writing.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your vocabulary is varied and generally appropriate to the essay’s tone. However, further refinement and precision in word choice could elevate your argument. For example:
Tyrannical, Synonym: Despotic
Compulsory, Synonym: Mandatory
Neglecting, Synonym: Overlooking
Protests, Synonym: Demonstrations
Anger, Synonym: Indignation
Conclusive Feedback
Your persuasive essay on compulsory voting is compelling and thought-provoking, effectively highlighting the importance of civic participation. To elevate your writing further, focus on structuring your arguments more clearly, providing concrete evidence, engaging with counterarguments, and refining your grammar and vocabulary. This approach will make your essay not only more persuasive but also more impactful.
To improve your writing, consider the following suggestions:
Integrate more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments.
Clearly structure your essay with distinct introduction, body, and conclusion sections.
Engage with potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
Pay close attention to grammar and syntax to ensure clarity and professionalism.
Use precise and varied vocabulary to convey your points more effectively.
Be encouraged that your writing has a strong foundation, and with focused refinement, it can become even more persuasive and engaging.
Overall Score: 39
Rewritten Essay
Envision a world besieged by chaos, where ashes blanket the earth and protests flood the streets, a stark testament to a government’s failure to heed its people. This dystopian vision underscores the crucial nature of voting, not merely as a right but as a fundamental duty. It’s a duty that shapes our collective future, crafting the tapestry of leadership that steers our nations forward, a critical piece in the puzzle of democracy.
Compulsory voting emerges as a beacon of hope in this narrative. It ensures that government truly reflects the will and needs of its citizens, steering clear of the despotic tendencies that thrive in the absence of civic engagement. The historical echo of tyrannies, fuelled by apathy and neglect, can be silenced through the collective action of a mandated vote. Such a mandate promises a government that is by the people, ensuring that rights, freedoms, and respect for diversity are not just upheld but celebrated.
Moreover, mandatory participation in elections is a cornerstone for fostering a community where governance is not just seen as good but as exemplary. It envisages a world where peace prevails, and conflicts retreat into the shadows, a world where the anguish of division and unrest is replaced by a symphony of unity and acceptance.
In advocating for compulsory voting, we are not just arguing for a mechanism of governance but for a transformative force capable of uniting a fragmented society. This approach envisages discarding the vestiges of violence, political turmoil, and constitutional neglect. It calls for a collective journey towards harmony, where every voice is heard, and every vote counts in sculpting a world of peace and mutual respect.
In conclusion, the imperative for compulsory voting transcends the mere act of casting a ballot; it’s about reimagining our social fabric, ensuring that democracy thrives on the principles of inclusivity, representation, and collective responsibility. By embracing this path, we forge a future where democracy is not just a concept but a lived experience for every citizen.
The Ethical Debate Surrounding Animal Testing
Imagine the crunching bones of humans. Our flesh scattered onto the ground. Nothing remained. Animal testing (for human needs) has been a subject of polarizing debate for decades. Advocates argue that it is necessary for scientific and medical progress, while opponents argue that it is cruel and violates animal rights. However without animal testing we, ourselves could be feeder to all the diseases out there.
One of the main arguments in favor of animal testing rests on utilitarian grounds. Proponents believe that animal testing brings about the greatest good for the largest number of individuals. They argue that through experimenting on animals, scientists gain valuable insights that lead to medical breakthroughs, saving human lives and positively impacting society as a whole. For example, vaccines, treatments for infectious diseases, and surgical techniques have all been developed and improved due to animal testing.
A crucial aspect of ethical consideration is the balance between the potential benefits and the costs that animal testing incurs. While animal experimentation often yields valuable results, critics argue that the suffering inflicted on animals cannot be ethically justified—especially considering that alternative methods could provide similar or even more accurate results. The inherent value of animal life and the potential for alternatives make the cost-benefit analysis of animal testing a complex ethical problem.
Critics of animal testing emphasize the need for continued efforts to minimize and eventually eradicate the use of animals for experimentation. They argue that recent scientific advancements, technological innovations, and growing support for alternatives offer promising opportunities to reduce reliance on animal models. Additionally, increasing public awareness and demand for ethical practices may further drive the development and acceptance of alternative testing methods.
The ethical considerations surrounding animal testing are complex and multifaceted. While supporters justify it on the grounds of its contribution to medical advancements and the greater good, opponents argue that animal rights and welfare should take precedence. Achieving a balance between scientific progress and ethical treatment of animals is an ongoing challenge. It requires a continuous commitment to improving standards, promoting alternatives, and fostering public understanding to ensure the ethical use of animals in scientific research. However in this case, we need animal testing to survive.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay begins with a vivid description that immediately grabs the reader’s attention, illustrating the gravity of the topic at hand. However, the transition between sections could be smoother to guide the reader more effectively through your argument. For instance, after the introduction, moving directly into the utilitarian argument for animal testing provides a sharp contrast without a clear bridge. Enhancing transitions with phrases that link the ethical considerations more directly to each section would improve the overall flow. For example, after discussing the necessity of animal testing for medical progress, a sentence such as “Recognising these advancements, it’s imperative to also consider the ethical implications these methods bring to the forefront” could create a more cohesive narrative.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score: 8/10
Your argument is well-structured, presenting a balanced view by discussing both the necessity and the ethical concerns of animal testing. The use of specific examples, such as vaccines and surgical techniques, effectively supports your point. However, the discussion on alternatives and potential solutions could be expanded. Delving deeper into current research on alternative methods and how they might be implemented or improved would offer a more comprehensive understanding. This could include discussing in vitro testing, computer modelling, or the development of ethical frameworks for transitioning to alternative methods.
Evoking Emotion – Score: 8/10
The opening sentence of your essay is powerfully evocative, creating a strong emotional response that sets the tone for the ethical debate. To further enhance the emotional impact, consider incorporating personal stories or case studies that highlight the experiences of animals within testing facilities. This could help humanise the issue, making the ethical considerations more relatable to the reader.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 7.5/10
You have made a commendable effort to present a balanced view by acknowledging the arguments for and against animal testing. Strengthening this section could involve more explicitly addressing common counterarguments, such as the claim that animal testing is the only viable option for certain types of research. A more detailed rebuttal, backed by evidence of successful alternatives, would fortify your argument. The conclusion ties the essay together but could be more impactful by summarising the ethical considerations in a way that calls for action or further reflection.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your essay is well-written with few grammatical errors. To further refine your writing, pay attention to sentence structure variety to enhance readability and engagement. For example, alternating between shorter, impactful sentences and longer, descriptive ones can create a more dynamic and engaging narrative.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary is generally strong, effectively conveying the complex issues at hand. To elevate your writing further, consider incorporating more specific terminology related to ethical philosophy and scientific research.
Ethical, Synonym: Moral
Cruel, Synonym: Inhumane
Insights, Synonym: Understandings
Breakthroughs, Synonym: Advancements
Alternatives, Synonym: Substitutes
Overall, your essay provides a compelling examination of the ethical debate surrounding animal testing. It successfully balances the discussion of its necessity for medical progress with the ethical concerns it raises. To enhance your writing:
Introduce smoother transitions between sections to guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
Expand on the discussion of alternatives to animal testing, incorporating more details about current research and potential implementations.
Include personal stories or case studies to evoke a stronger emotional response and make the ethical considerations more relatable.
Address common counterarguments more explicitly, providing detailed rebuttals to strengthen your position.
Utilise a wider variety of sentence structures and specific terminology related to ethical philosophy and scientific research to enhance readability and engagement.
Your dedication to presenting a balanced and thoughtful analysis is evident, and with these adjustments, your essay could become even more persuasive and impactful.
Overall Score: 40
Rewritten:
Imagine the harrowing image of human suffering on a mass scale, a stark reminder of our vulnerability to disease without the aid of scientific research. The ethical quandary of animal testing has ignited fierce debates for decades. Proponents champion its indispensable role in achieving medical milestones, asserting that the utilisation of animals in research results in the greatest benefit for humanity. They highlight how vaccines, infectious disease treatments, and surgical innovations owe their existence to the insights garnered from such experiments.
Yet, the ethical landscape is fraught with complexities. The anguish inflicted upon animals poses a profound moral dilemma, challenging the justification of their use when alternative methodologies could offer similar, if not superior, accuracy. This juxtaposition of potential scientific gain against animal welfare underscores the intricate moral considerations at play.
Critics advocate for a paradigm shift towards reducing, and ultimately eliminating, animal experimentation. They argue that burgeoning scientific advancements and technological innovations, coupled with an increasing societal push for ethical practices, pave the way for viable alternatives. This movement not only aligns with ethical imperatives but also with public sentiment, demanding a more humane approach to scientific inquiry.
Navigating the ethical terrain of animal testing necessitates a delicate balance between advancing medical knowledge and upholding the highest standards of ethical treatment. This equilibrium is vital, calling for unwavering commitment to enhancing research methodologies, championing alternative approaches, and deepening public engagement. Such efforts are crucial for ensuring the ethical stewardship of all beings in the pursuit of scientific progress.
The Benefits of a Four-Day School Week
Imagine a world where students and teachers alike could enjoy an extra day of rest and rejuvenation, allowing for a more balanced and productive educational environment. This seemingly utopian scenario is becoming a growing reality in schools around the world as the concept of a four-day school week gains traction. Implementing a four-day school week could enhance student well-being, save costs, and facilitate a more effective use of instructional time. This piece delves into the myriad benefits of transitioning to a shorter school week, highlighting the positive impact it can have on both students and educators alike.
It is no secret that traditional five-day school weeks can be overwhelming for students, leaving them feeling drained and burnt out. A four-day school week offers students crucial extra time to recuperate mentally, physically, and emotionally. This additional day off fosters opportunities for students to engage in extracurricular activities, pursue hobbies, or spend quality time with their families. Moreover, having a dedicated day for self-care and relaxation helps students reduce stress, improve mental health, and enhance overall well-being.
A condensed four-day school week prompts educators to reevaluate their curriculum delivery methods and optimize instruction. Knowing they have one fewer day to cover material, teachers are encouraged to streamline their lesson plans, prioritizing essential content and employing innovative teaching strategies. This not only enhances students’ engagement and understanding but also facilitates more effective use of instructional time. With fewer interruptions and distractions, students may develop a deeper connection with the subject matter, leading to improved knowledge retention and critical thinking skills.
Transitioning to a four-day school week can result in substantial cost savings for educational institutions. With schools operating for one less day, significant reductions can be made in utility usage, transportation expenses, and overhead costs. For instance, schools can benefit from decreased energy consumption on the day when buildings are not in use, ultimately contributing to savings on electricity bills. These cost savings can be redirected towards other critical areas like upgrading facilities, investing in new educational tools, or hiring additional support staff, thereby enriching the overall learning experience.
One unexpected benefit of a four-day school week is often observed through improved attendance and retention rates. With an additional day off, students are granted more flexibility for appointments, internships, and activities that would have otherwise required them to miss school. Additionally, reduced fatigue and stress levels resulting from a shorter school week can lead to better attendance rates, resulting in higher levels of student engagement and academic achievement. Furthermore, a four-day school week may attract and retain highly-qualified teachers who value a more balanced work-life schedule, thereby positively impacting the quality of education.
Advocating for a four-day school week is not about reducing students’ opportunities for learning, but instead creating an educational system that prioritizes well-being, efficiency, and educational outcomes. By allowing students and educators an additional day to recharge and pursue personal interests, a shorter school week can ultimately lead to improvements in student well-being, instructional efficiency, and cost savings. As schools continue to strive for holistic development and academic excellence, embracing a four-day school week represents a progressive step towards an educational landscape that truly serves the needs of its stakeholders.
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay presents a well-organised argument advocating for a four-day school week. The structure allows for a clear progression of ideas, starting with an introduction that sets the stage for the discussion, followed by sections dedicated to exploring the benefits for students, teachers, and educational institutions. An example where the structure shines is in the transition from discussing student well-being to educational cost savings, which is smooth and logical. However, to further improve, consider integrating transitional sentences that not only enhance the flow between paragraphs but also explicitly connect the benefits to the overarching thesis more cohesively.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 9
You adeptly employ the P.E.C.S. framework to structure your arguments, making your case compelling. For instance, when you argue for enhanced student well-being, you not only present the point but back it with evidence related to stress reduction and mention potential solutions such as reallocating cost savings towards educational resources. To expand on this, delve deeper into specific studies or data that support the benefits of a four-day school week and discuss potential long-term consequences on educational outcomes and societal benefits more thoroughly.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay effectively evokes the pain points associated with traditional five-day school weeks, such as student burnout and financial strains on educational institutions. You mention, “traditional five-day school weeks can be overwhelming for students, leaving them feeling drained and burnt out,” which vividly captures the emotional toll. To strengthen this aspect, incorporate personal anecdotes or testimonials from students, educators, and parents to bring these pain points to life, making the argument more relatable and compelling.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
You conclude by reiterating the benefits of a four-day school week and its positive impact on the educational community. While you touch upon the potential for improved academic achievement and well-being, addressing counterarguments directly would bolster your essay’s persuasiveness. Acknowledge possible concerns such as the impact on working parents or the challenge of condensed curriculums, and offer solutions or mitigating strategies. This approach would demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the topic and strengthen your conclusion.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is well-written with a high level of grammatical accuracy and varied sentence structures. An area for improvement is to ensure consistency in verb tense and agreement to maintain readability and professional tone. For instance, refining sentences to avoid passive constructions where active voice could provide more clarity and impact.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary is generally strong, conveying your arguments with clarity and sophistication. To enhance your essay:
Utilise, Synonym: Employ
Optimize, Synonym: Maximise
Streamline, Synonym: Simplify
Facilitate, Synonym: Enable
Rejuvenation, Synonym: Revitalisation
Conclusive Feedback:
Your persuasive essay on the benefits of a four-day school week is commendably structured and articulates a compelling case for this educational reform. The use of the P.E.C.S. framework strengthens your arguments, providing a clear understanding of the benefits and solutions associated with the proposed change. To elevate your essay further:
Integrate more transitional phrases to enhance the flow between paragraphs and more directly tie back to your thesis.
Include specific examples or data to support your claims, particularly in the P.E.C.S. sections.
Introduce personal anecdotes or testimonials to make the pain points more relatable and compelling.
Directly address and rebut potential counterarguments to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Pay attention to maintaining consistent verb tense and using active voice for clarity and impact.
Your essay is engaging and thought-provoking, encouraging readers to consider the merits of a four-day school week. With slight refinements, particularly in addressing counterarguments and enriching your evidence, your argument could be even more persuasive. Remember, the key to impactful writing is not just in presenting compelling ideas but in how those ideas are communicated to resonate with and persuade your audience.
Overall Score: 41
Rewritten:
Envision a realm where both educators and pupils relish an additional day for revitalisation, fostering a more harmonious and efficacious educational milieu. This idyllic prospect, the adoption of a four-day school week, is gaining momentum globally, promising to augment student welfare, economise resources, and optimise pedagogical time. This discourse explores the multifaceted advantages of this transition, underscoring its potential to profoundly benefit the educational community.
The conventional five-day academic schedule often results in student exhaustion, jeopardising mental, physical, and emotional health. A shortened week affords vital recuperation, enabling engagement in extracurricular pursuits, hobbies, and familial interactions. This extra day for self-care mitigates stress, bolstering mental health and overall student well-being.
Such a schedule compels educators to refine their curriculum delivery, prioritising core content and embracing innovative pedagogies. This approach not only captivates students but ensures a more efficient educational process. A focused learning environment fosters enhanced comprehension, retention, and analytical skills.
Moreover, a four-day week promises considerable financial savings. Reduced operational days mean lowered utility and transport costs, allowing for reallocation of funds towards improving educational infrastructure and resources. This fiscal prudence enhances the learning environment, benefiting all stakeholders.
Additionally, this schedule improves attendance and retention. The extra day accommodates medical appointments, internships, and other commitments without compromising school attendance. Enhanced well-being from reduced stress contributes to better engagement and academic performance. Moreover, the prospect of a balanced work-life schedule may attract and retain superior teaching talent, elevating educational quality.
Advocating for a shorter school week transcends mere operational efficiency; it signifies a commitment to fostering a nurturing, holistic educational ecosystem. By granting additional time for personal growth and rest, we not only address immediate well-being and financial efficiencies but also lay the groundwork for a more enlightened, resilient future in education.
srry for being late
Week 5 scholarship writing homework
Envision a world where people are devoid of the right to vote. Unqualified people fight for the dominance of the nation’s future. This scenario is far from desirable, as it signifies the absence of a fundamental democratic right. Compulsory voting emerges as a crucial mechanism, ensuring that leadership is a reflection of the people’s will, and not by inheritance or power struggles.
Voting needs to be compulsory because it is just like other duties of citizenship, like jury or paying taxes. Compulsory voting also increases the legitimacy of elected representatives. The government can ensure that candidates who win a seat in parliament do get the majority of votes, unlike in the U.S., where candidates usually win with much less than the majority of the eligible vote.
Another reason to make voting compulsory is to make people educated about politics. Since everybody has to vote, they have to learn about the candidates and get interested in politics to decide who they will vote for. The public will tend to pay more attention to politics if they know that they will have to vote.
Even though compulsory voting might force people to vote for someone even though they do not like anyone on offer, the people can always lodge a blank paper. Also, compulsory voting means that candidates have to address the needs of all voters, while in countries like the U.S., the poorly educated tend to not participate in voting, and candidates only need to address part of the population’s needs.
Lastly, compulsory voting makes the political system more responsive. Even though some might argue that voluntary voting might shake up the system and make politicians do more to just get voters to the booths, compulsory voting makes it so that new parties and candidates who lack wealthy backing can contest elections without spending large sums of money just to get the voters to polling booths.
EMILY YOUNG – Attaching the correct file for marking. Week 4 file
EMILY YOUNG Week-4-scholarship-writing-homework
WEEK 4 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay presents a clear progression from the introduction of issues to the argument for each topic. For instance, in the section on compulsory voting, you effectively set the scene with a hypothetical comparison between two candidates, which serves as a solid foundation for your argument. However, the transition between topics feels somewhat abrupt, and there’s a missed opportunity to weave a stronger narrative thread that connects them under a unified theme. To enhance the structure, consider adding transitional sentences that not only bridge the topics but also highlight the overarching message of civic responsibility and ethical considerations in society.
P.E.C.S. (Point, Evidence, Solution, Consequences) – Score out of 10: 8
You’ve adeptly outlined the points and solutions across the topics, particularly with the vivid depiction of the consequences of not banning animal testing. To further deepen the analysis, you could expand on the evidence and solutions by incorporating statistical data, expert opinions, or case studies that support your arguments. This approach would not only strengthen the credibility of your points but also offer a more compelling case for the proposed solutions. For example, in the discussion on animal testing, including success stories of alternative testing methods could enrich your argument.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 9
The sections that describe the plight of animals in testing scenarios are particularly effective in evoking empathy and highlighting the moral implications of current practices. To amplify this impact, consider exploring the emotional and psychological effects on humans who empathize with animal suffering, thereby creating a dual perspective on pain that underscores the urgency for change.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
While you touch upon potential objections implicitly, directly engaging with counterarguments would enhance the persuasiveness of your essay. This could involve acknowledging the complexity of these issues and the concerns of those with differing views, followed by a reasoned rebuttal. Concluding with a reflective summary that ties back to the introduction would also provide a more satisfying closure to your arguments.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your writing demonstrates a good command of grammar and syntax, with sentences that are generally clear and well-constructed. To further refine your essay, pay attention to sentence variety and complexity, ensuring a balance between simple and complex structures that enhance readability and interest.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Imbecilic, Synonym: Foolish
Unachievable, Synonym: Impossible
Hypocrites, Synonym: Pretenders
Lethal, Synonym: Deadly
Tiring, Synonym: Exhausting
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys the intensity of the issues discussed. To elevate the sophistication of your language, consider incorporating terms that reflect nuanced understanding and depth of insight into the topics.
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay passionately addresses significant societal issues, from the importance of informed voting to the ethical considerations of animal testing and educational reform. The use of vivid imagery and hypothetical scenarios effectively draws the reader into the discussion. To further enhance your essay, consider the following suggestions:
Integrate more transitional phrases for smoother flow between sections.
Include more evidence and case studies to support your arguments.
Directly address counterarguments to strengthen the persuasiveness of your essay.
Utilize a wider variety of sentence structures to enhance readability.
Expand your vocabulary to include more nuanced and precise terms.
Overall Score: 41
Rewritten:
Envision a scenario where the choices for Prime Minister starkly contrast: one, a candidate making grandiose, unattainable promises with scant regard for reality, potentially leading the country into decline; the other, a figure of reason, whose promises and flawless rhetoric suggest unparalleled leadership potential. The essence of democracy lies in its capacity to empower the electorate, enabling them to discern and choose the latter leader, thus averting the risk of governance by the inept.
Consider the ethical quandary of animal testing: millions of sentient beings subjected annually to experiments, a practice that raises profound moral questions about the cost of scientific progress. The imagery of animals, trapped and fearful, serves as a poignant reminder of the empathy and responsibility we owe to all living creatures, urging a reevaluation of such practices in favor of humane alternatives.
The debate on educational structure, specifically the proposition of a four-day school week, highlights the balance between academic rigor and the well-being of students. Reducing the school week could rejuvenate learning environments, enhance student engagement, and foster well-being, countering the fatigue that undermines educational outcomes.
These discussions underscore the interconnectedness of ethical governance, humane scientific practices, and educational reform. Each topic not only invites critical reflection but also demands a reimagining of societal norms for a more equitable and compassionate future.