Scholarship W6 Writing
- January 15, 2024
- 2:30 pm
- 14 Comments
400-700 words persuasive write on an issue related to the environment, Maybe global warming, meat consumption, or plastic waste.
Remember that it’s ok to use narrative techniques to evoke emotion to persuade!
14 thoughts on “Scholarship W6 Writing”
This is my homework.
Week 6 Year 6 Writing Homework
FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay starts with a vivid, emotionally charged introduction that immediately captures the reader’s attention. By using a narrative approach, you effectively draw readers into the perspective of the pig, setting a strong foundation for your argument against the meat industry. However, the transition between sections could be smoother to maintain the flow of your argument. For instance, the shift from describing the cruelty of the meat industry to its environmental impacts is somewhat abrupt. Enhancing these transitions would strengthen the overall coherence of your piece. An example of this could be linking the narrative of animal suffering more directly to the environmental costs, perhaps by illustrating how the treatment of animals is not only a moral issue but also a significant factor in the sustainability of our food systems.
Rhetorical Questions and Emotional Appeal – Score: 9/10
You adeptly use rhetorical questions and emotional appeal to engage your audience, asking, “How much longer are we going to turn a blind eye into this horrendous criminal activity?” This question, coupled with the detailed, emotive descriptions of animal suffering, effectively challenges readers to reconsider their stance on meat consumption. To further enhance your essay, consider exploring the psychological impact of such practices on society or the emotional disconnect between consumers and the origins of their food. Incorporating these elements would deepen the emotional resonance of your argument.
Evoking Pain – Score: 8/10
The vivid depiction of the pig’s experience is harrowing and successfully evokes a strong sense of pain and empathy in the reader. “Your skin is pierced and your limbs are chopped off” is a particularly powerful phrase that leaves a lasting impression. To build on this, you could include more factual information about the conditions in which these animals live and die, providing a balance between emotional appeal and logical argumentation. Adding eyewitness accounts or scientific studies on animal sentience could further validate your descriptions and strengthen your case.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 7/10
Your conclusion effectively reiterates the call to action and highlights the potential for change through individual choices, such as adopting a vegan lifestyle. However, addressing potential counterarguments would significantly strengthen your essay. By preemptively responding to common justifications for meat consumption or challenges to veganism, you can make your argument more robust and persuasive. For example, discussing the nutritional, economic, or cultural concerns some might have about veganism and providing counterpoints could make your essay more comprehensive and compelling.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and syntax, with a variety of sentence structures that keep the reader engaged. However, there are occasional lapses in punctuation and sentence clarity that slightly hinder the readability. For instance, more careful use of commas to separate ideas would improve the flow of your sentences. Expanding on complex sentences to fully develop your ideas can also enhance the clarity and impact of your argument.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Inhumane, Synonym: Barbarous
Monstrous, Synonym: Heinous
Tortured, Synonym: Tormented
Slaughtering, Synonym: Butchering
Sustainable, Synonym: Viable
Your choice of vocabulary is generally strong, effectively conveying the gravity of the issues discussed. However, diversifying your word choice could further enrich your essay. For instance, substituting “barbarous” for “inhumane” in some instances could add depth to your descriptions. Likewise, using “heinous” in place of “monstrous” could provide a more nuanced understanding of the moral condemnation you’re expressing.
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay is a compelling and emotive appeal against the meat industry, skillfully employing narrative techniques, rhetorical questions, and vivid descriptions to engage the reader’s emotions and provoke thought. The strengths of your essay lie in its powerful emotional appeal and the urgency of its message. However, there are opportunities to enhance its impact further:
Smooth out transitions between sections to improve the flow and coherence of your argument.
Address potential counterarguments to strengthen the persuasiveness of your essay.
Balance emotional appeal with factual information and logical argumentation to appeal to a wider range of readers.
Pay closer attention to punctuation and sentence clarity to enhance readability.
Diversify your vocabulary to enrich your descriptions and arguments.
Encouraging a deeper exploration of the interconnectedness between animal welfare, environmental sustainability, and human ethics could offer a more holistic perspective on the issues at hand. By refining these aspects, your essay could become an even more powerful catalyst for change.
Overall Score: 40/50
Rewritten:
Imagine finding oneself as a blameless pig, cruelly torn from one’s sanctuary, trembling and whimpering, witnessing the waning moments of existence. Standing solitary, awaiting the inevitable, one observes as the cruel blades at the conveyor’s end decimate loved ones. Now, it’s one’s turn. The anticipation is harrowing; eyes close as the skin is breached, limbs severed, inundated by knives, with blood pouring forth. In excruciating agony, the final breath is a gulp of stifling smog—this marks the end of a life devoid of possibilities, choices, and purpose. This narrative mirrors the reality for countless animals, bred en masse only to be slaughtered upon reaching maturity, by individuals who consider themselves superior, disregarding any form of life in this ruthless world.
The meat industry, a gargantuan entity fuelled by the suffering of animals, operates with a singular focus on profit, oblivious to the agony inflicted. The process of how pigs, chickens, and other animals are tortured, their bodies dismembered and flesh stripped, is unbearable. This mass execution of innocent beings occurs globally, every fraction of a second, implicating nearly every human.
Moreover, the environmental toll of meat production is staggering, consuming water resources unsustainably and casting a shadow over our environmental stewardship. This issue beckons for a rational overhaul of our food systems, yet hope remains overlooked in our quest for a harmonious world where freedom and happiness prevail for all beings.
Amidst this gloom, the transition towards veganism shines as a beacon of hope, offering a remedy for our planet’s wounds. This choice, embodying compassion and sustainability, promises a future where our actions align with the Earth’s natural rhythms. The decision lies with us: to perpetuate the problem or to forge part of the solution. I implore you to embrace this path of compassion and transformation, making a difference for oneself, the animals, and our world.
The issue of plastic waste is one that deeply concerns me. As I walk down the street, ride a car through town, or visit the beach, I am constantly confronted by the shocking amount of plastic that has made is way into our environment. Plastic bags, bottles, food containers, straws, and more plastic detritus litters our landscapes and waterways. The sheer volume of plastic we produce that is not recycled or properly disposed of is staggering. If we do not take action to curb plastic waste, the consequences for our planet will be dire.
Every piece of plastic every created still exists in some form. Plastic does not biodegrade like other materials, it only breaks down into smaller and smaller microplastics. These microplastics are now found everywhere – in our soil, rivers, and oceans. Scientists have even found microplastics in tap water and bottled water. Tiny pieces of plastic are entering the food chain as fish and other sea creatures ingest them, putting human health at risk. The effects of long term microplastic exposure are still unkown but are a serious concern.
Beyond the direct health and environmental impacts, plastic waste also has economic costs. Plastic in the oceans threatens tourism and fishing industries which support many coastal communities. Cleanup and waste management of plastic uses resouces that could be better spent elsewhere. The production of new plastic from raw materials like oil and gas also contributes to climate change. It is estimated that the plastic industry will account for 20% of worldwide fossil fuel consumption by 2050 if production continues at its current pace.
This is an issue where individual action can make a real difference. Small changes like refusing single-use plastics, bringing reusable bags and containers when shopping, and properly disposing of waste can all help reduce plastic pollution. But we also need systemic change from organisations and governments. Implementing bans on problematic plastics like bags, straws, bottles and packaging would have a huge impact. Investing in modern waste management infrastructure in developing nations is also crucial to stem the gloabl tide of plastic waste.
The scale of the plastic waste crisis may feel overwhelming but it is not too late to curb this growing threat if we act now with urgency and commitment. Future generations deserve to inherit a planet unspoiled by our plastic footprint. I ask you to support efforts to reduce unnecesary plastic use and demad more sustainable solutions from those in power. Our shared home is worth protecting.
FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay demonstrates a clear and coherent structure, beginning with an engaging introduction that highlights the issue of plastic waste in our environment. By using vivid descriptions, such as “plastic bags, bottles, food containers, straws, and more plastic detritus litters our landscapes and waterways,” you effectively set the stage for the discussion. However, further improvement could be achieved by incorporating more transitional phrases to ensure a smoother flow between paragraphs and ideas. This would enhance the overall readability and cohesion of your argument.
Rhetorical Questions and Emotional Appeal – Score: 8/10
You’ve effectively employed rhetorical questions and emotional appeal to engage your audience. The use of rhetorical questions, like “If we do not take action to curb plastic waste, what will the consequences be for our planet?” prompts the reader to think deeply about the issue. To further enhance your argument, consider incorporating more varied emotional appeals that target a broader range of feelings, such as hope and a sense of community responsibility, alongside the existing appeals to fear and urgency.
Evoking Pain – Score: 7/10
Your essay successfully evokes a sense of pain and urgency regarding the plastic waste crisis, particularly with phrases like “Future generations deserve to inherit a planet unspoiled by our plastic footprint.” This powerful statement highlights the long-term impacts of inaction. To amplify this effect, you could provide more specific examples or case studies that illustrate the direct consequences of plastic pollution on wildlife and human health. Such tangible examples would make the abstract concept of “future generations” more immediate and pressing to the reader.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 8/10
You skilfully address potential counterarguments by acknowledging the scale of the crisis and the significance of individual actions, as seen in “This is an issue where individual action can make a real difference.” Enhancing this aspect with a discussion of common scepticisms or criticisms regarding the efficacy of individual versus systemic change would provide a more rounded perspective and strengthen your conclusion. Your concluding call to action is compelling, but further reinforcement of the argument with a summary of key points would leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Overall, your essay is well-written, with a high standard of grammar and syntax. The occasional awkward phrasing, such as “plastic that has made is way into our environment,” could be refined for clarity. Implementing a thorough review to catch and correct these minor errors will improve the professional quality of your writing.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of vocabulary effectively communicates the urgency and significance of the plastic waste issue. However, to enhance the impact of your essay, consider the following suggestions:
Detritus, Synonym: Debris
Staggering, Synonym: Astonishing
Microplastics, Synonym: Microscopic plastic particles
Unspoiled, Synonym: Pristine
Sustainable, Synonym: Eco-friendly
Conclusively, your persuasive essay on plastic waste is impactful and thought-provoking. To elevate your writing further, consider the following:
Integrate more transitional phrases for fluidity between sections.
Broaden your emotional appeal to encompass a wider range of sentiments.
Include specific case studies to illustrate the effects of plastic pollution.
Address and rebut common scepticisms more thoroughly to strengthen your argument.
Conduct a meticulous review to refine grammar and syntax, and consider expanding your vocabulary for greater precision and impact.
By implementing these suggestions, you will enhance the persuasiveness and depth of your essay, making a stronger case for action against plastic pollution. Your commitment to environmental preservation is commendable, and with these refinements, your message will undoubtedly resonate more powerfully with your audience.
Overall score: 39/50
Rewritten:
The pervasive issue of plastic pollution profoundly concerns me. Observing the overwhelming prevalence of plastic refuse — bags, bottles, containers, and straws tarnishing our landscapes and aquatic environments — underscores the critical urgency of this environmental quandary. The staggering quantity of unrecycled or improperly discarded plastic forebodes severe ecological repercussions.
Remarkably, every plastic item ever produced persists in some form, degrading into minuscule microplastics rather than biodegrading. These particles now ubiquitously infiltrate our soil, waterways, and even the food chain, posing undisclosed health risks to humans. Moreover, the economic ramifications of marine plastic pollution, such as its detrimental impact on tourism and fisheries, coupled with the environmental cost of new plastic production, highlight the necessity for immediate action.
Addressing this crisis requires both individual initiative and systemic transformation. Simple lifestyle modifications alongside comprehensive policy and infrastructure advancements can significantly mitigate plastic pollution. The prospect of reversing this crisis is not beyond our reach, provided we act with resolve and collective commitment. Future generations merit an inheritance of a planet untainted by our plastic legacy.
Picture a world smothered in a blanket of plastic pollution. This world would many single-use plastics, such as bottles, bags, and packaging. This has led to a catastrophic buildup of plastic waste in our oceans, rivers, and landfills. Plastic pollution damages the atmosphere, leaving behind a plethora of rubbish and smoke. Our world would be a giant garbage bin if we don’t look after it. We should start putting our rubbish in the bin, picking up littered rubbish and start recycling and reusing and reducing. With millions of tons of plastic entering the environment every year, it is essential that we take bold and decisive action to address this crisis and protect our planet for future generations.
Primarily, proper waste management and recycling practices are critical components of any effective strategy to address plastic pollution. In many parts of the world, such as the Pacific Garbage Patch, contain of vast quantities of plastic waste being discarded leading to littered streets, polluted waterways, and degraded landscapes. By investing in recycling facilities, promoting waste separation and recycling programs, we can reduce the amount of plastic waste that ends up in our environment and promote a circular economy that values resource efficiency and sustainability.
Moreover, numerous people believe that if we stop producing quantities of plastic, there won’t be enough plastic resources to create packaging, consumer products and other equipment. This is certainly wrong because we can utilise a strategy called the 3 R’s. It stands for reduce, reuse and recycle. These simple concepts are a good place to start when teaching environmental issues to young children. Students are the future of the world and they must follow the 3 R’s if they want the world to be healthy. The 3 r’s are the foundations of environmental stewardship. Practicing the three R’s benefit with conservation of energy, resources and plastic waste.
Finally, we should raise awareness and fostering a culture of environmental care within our communities. By permitting people to make informed choices, advocating for sustainable practices in schools, workplaces, and public spaces we can make stronger regulations for sustainability, we can create a rise of support for a plastic-free future. Numerous studies from Plastic Collective, Tangaroa Blue and The Ocean Cleanup have discovered that in by 2050 (26 years), half the marine life will dye to plastics and there will be 26 billion metric tons of plastic in the world. But that’s if we don’t make a change, so we should start immediately.
In conclusion, plastic pollution is a global crisis that demands urgent attention and decisive action from all sectors of society. By altering our consumption habits, improving waste management systems, and promoting a culture of sustainability, we can combat plastic pollution and protect the environment for current and future generations. Let us stand together in solidarity against plastic waste and pollution, working towards a cleaner, healthier planet where plastic no longer poses a threat to our ecosystems, wildlife, and well-being.
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay is well-organised, effectively laying out the issue, discussing solutions, and concluding with a call to action. A notable phrase, “Picture a world smothered in a blanket of plastic pollution,” immediately engages the reader. To enhance structure, consider integrating more transitional phrases to seamlessly guide the reader from one point to the next, ensuring a fluid progression of ideas.
Rhetorical Questions and Emotional Appeal – Score: 8/10
The essay effectively uses rhetorical questions and emotional appeal, particularly with phrases like “Our world would be a giant garbage bin if we don’t look after it.” To deepen the impact, include more vivid imagery and personal anecdotes. This can create a stronger emotional connection with the reader, motivating them to act.
Evoking Pain – Score: 8/10
You’ve successfully evoked a sense of urgency and concern, especially with “half the marine life will dye to plastics.” To amplify this, elaborate on the direct impact on human health and communities. Sharing specific stories or statistics can make the issue more relatable and pressing.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score: 9/10
Your handling of counterarguments, especially with “This is certainly wrong because we can utilise a strategy called the 3 R’s,” is commendable. The conclusion effectively summarises the essay’s main points and reiterates the call to action. Further strengthen this section by explicitly stating common objections and rebutting them with evidence, making your argument more robust.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Your essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and syntax, with sentences like “By permitting people to make informed choices.” To improve, watch out for minor errors and consider varying sentence structure for emphasis and clarity.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
The vocabulary used is appropriate and contributes to the persuasive tone of the essay. However, expanding your lexical range can make your argument more compelling. For instance:
Catastrophic, Synonym: Disastrous
Degraded, Synonym: Deteriorated
Advocating, Synonym: Championing
Sustainability, Synonym: Viability
Urgent, Synonym: Pressing
In conclusion, your essay powerfully highlights the critical issue of plastic pollution and advocates for meaningful change. However, there is room for enhancement in terms of structure, emotional engagement, and vocabulary. To further improve your writing:
Integrate transitional phrases for smoother flow.
Employ vivid imagery and personal anecdotes to strengthen emotional appeal.
Provide specific examples and statistics to underscore the gravity of plastic pollution.
Address and rebut common counterarguments with evidence.
Expand your vocabulary to enrich your persuasive message.
Be encouraged that your writing already has a solid foundation. With these adjustments, you can elevate your essay’s effectiveness and more deeply engage your audience.
Overall Score: 41/50
Rewritten:
Envision a world engulfed by an unyielding tide of plastic waste. Such a scenario, where single-use plastics dominate our landscape, portends a dire future marked by oceans, rivers, and landfills choked with refuse. The relentless accumulation of plastic not only tarnishes our natural vistas but also jeopardises the very air we breathe, casting a shadow of degradation across our planet. Should we fail to act, we stand to inherit an Earth reminiscent of a vast refuse dump.
Central to averting this crisis is a robust commitment to waste management and recycling. The infamous Pacific Garbage Patch exemplifies the dire consequences of neglect, where plastic not only mars the beauty of our surroundings but also inflicts harm on aquatic and terrestrial ecosystems alike. By championing recycling and the principles of a circular economy, we can significantly diminish the footprint of plastic waste.
Detractors of reducing plastic production warn of a shortfall in materials for consumer goods and packaging. Yet, this perspective overlooks the efficacy of the ‘3 R’s’: reducing, reusing, and recycling. These principles not only serve as a primer for environmental education among our youth but also embody the cornerstone of sustainable living. By embracing these practices, we safeguard our resources and mitigate waste.
Elevating awareness and cultivating a culture of environmental stewardship in our communities are imperative. Empowering individuals with knowledge and advocating for sustainable practices across all facets of society can galvanise support for a future unfettered by plastic pollution. Research by organisations like Plastic Collective and The Ocean Cleanup underscores the stark reality we face: without intervention, we risk devastating impacts on marine life and an insurmountable accumulation of plastic.
In summary, the scourge of plastic pollution demands immediate and decisive action across all sectors. Through altering our consumption patterns, enhancing waste management, and fostering sustainability, we can confront this challenge head-on. Let us unite in the fight against plastic pollution, striving for a world where its threat to our ecosystems, wildlife, and health is but a distant memory.
The Unbeneficial Properties of Meat Week 6 Year 6 Scholarship Writing Homework
Many people may say that meat is one of the many delicacies that humans enjoy but can you imagine the horrifying screams of animals meeting their painful end in the factory filled with dead corpses of their relatives and family. Meat consumption is unbeneficial for numerous reasons but the main three are because of the many lost lives of poor animals, the high contribution to global warming and wastage of meats. Let us delve deeper into the animal kingdom and the brutal human contribution to the ecosystem.
To start off, meat consumption is unbeneficial because of the many lost lives just to feed the human race that includes millions of people. Many may argue that meat consumption may provide nutrients such as protein and many more but many people miss the fact that there are alternatives to these essential nutrients rather than murdering innocent and trapped lives. These alternatives include some beans and vegetables. Imagine the sliced carcasses of the deceased animals trapped in a factory filled with blood and guilt. Everyday many animals await their inevitable doom due to their incompetence of surviving in the human realm. Humans use the vulnerability of many undefended animals and farm them with no guilt in their hands. This is why excessive meat consumption is unbeneficial for various reasons.
To add on, meat consumption is hurtful and injurious for many reasons. One of those reasons is because of the massive contribution to climate change. Scientists believe that consuming meat may cause a higher amount of carbon dioxide in the planet’s atmosphere leading to more damage to our protective layer. The reason behind this is because of the methane (farts and burps) produced from animals on the farm. Though methane is an enhanced version of carbon dioxide (contributing to more damage and the feeding of global warming) the causes doesn’t stop there. The essential smoke needed to cook animals and meat contributes to a large proportion of global warming. This is why meat consumption should be minimalized at all costs.
To attach more arguments, meat consumption should be at the very least because of the wastage of the meat. Certain parts of the animal may be thrown away due to the unusualness and the disgusting properties that it has. These include brains, hearts, lungs, organs and many more. Many humans do prefer the normal part of an animal such as the fat and the meat. Due to these preferences, many animal parts are thrown away leading to lost lives sacrificed for nothing. The other contribution to the large landfill of wasted animal parts is because of the easily rotten meat. Every year thousands of stored meats are thrown away into garbage patches because of the rotting process. This is why meat consumption should be controlled at the very least.
To conclude, Meat consumption is harmful to the environment because of the thrown away meat, the lost souls and because of the major contribution to climate change. What are you waiting for? Go reduce your meat consumption when choosing your meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay presents a clear and coherent structure, beginning with a vivid introduction that sets the stage for the argument against meat consumption. The progression from the moral implications of meat consumption to environmental impacts and finally to the issue of waste is logical and well-organised. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the flow of your argument. For example, the introduction of the topic, “Many people may say that meat is one of the many delicacies that humans enjoy…” effectively grabs the reader’s attention but could benefit from a more nuanced transition to the body paragraphs.
Rhetorical questions and emotional appeal – Score out of 10: 8
You effectively employ rhetorical questions and emotional appeal to engage the reader and provoke thought, particularly with phrases such as, “can you imagine the horrifying screams of animals meeting their painful end…” To further enhance your argument, consider varying your approach to emotional appeal by incorporating personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios that readers can relate to, thereby deepening the emotional resonance of your message.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 8
The vivid imagery used to evoke pain and sympathy for the animals’ plight is powerful and compelling. Phrases like, “Imagine the sliced carcasses of the deceased animals trapped in a factory filled with blood and guilt,” are particularly effective. To strengthen this aspect, it would be beneficial to balance these descriptions with statistics or studies that highlight the scale of suffering, providing a more comprehensive view of the issue.
Addressing counterarguments and conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay acknowledges potential counterarguments regarding the nutritional benefits of meat but quickly refutes them with alternatives like beans and vegetables. This shows an understanding of the importance of addressing counterarguments. Enhancing this section with more detailed examination of common counterarguments and providing stronger, evidence-based refutations would make your conclusion even more persuasive. The concluding call to action, “What are you waiting for? Go reduce your meat consumption…” effectively summarises the argument and motivates the reader to act.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
The essay is generally well-written with a few minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the sentence, “Humans use the vulnerability of many undefended animals and farm them with no guilt in their hands,” could be revised for clarity and conciseness. Attention to sentence structure and the use of varied sentence lengths can enhance readability.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Your choice of vocabulary effectively conveys the seriousness of the topic, with terms such as “unbeneficial,” “injurious,” and “landfill” highlighting the negative aspects of meat consumption. However, to further elevate your writing, consider incorporating more precise and varied vocabulary. Here are some suggestions:
“Unbeneficial,” Synonym: “detrimental”
“Injurious,” Synonym: “harmful”
“Landfill,” Synonym: “dump”
“Excessive,” Synonym: “exorbitant”
“Thrown away,” Synonym: “discarded”
Detailed Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay is a compelling and passionate plea for reconsidering meat consumption, effectively utilising emotional appeal and a clear structure to present your argument. The vivid descriptions of animal suffering and the environmental impact of meat production are particularly powerful. To further enhance your essay, consider incorporating a more diverse range of rhetorical strategies, including statistical evidence and personal anecdotes, to strengthen your argument. Additionally, refining your transitions between paragraphs will improve the flow of your essay, making it even more persuasive. Paying closer attention to grammatical precision and incorporating a richer vocabulary will also elevate the quality of your writing. Your commitment to the subject and ability to engage the reader are evident, making these suggested improvements pathways to making your already strong essay even more impactful.
Further ways to improve your writing:
Integrate more diverse evidence, including statistics and case studies, to support your arguments.
Use personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios to make your points more relatable.
Enhance transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow and coherence.
Pay close attention to grammar and syntax to ensure clarity and precision.
Expand your vocabulary to more accurately and vividly express your ideas.
Overall score: 40/50
Rewritten:
The consumption of meat, often celebrated as a human delight, comes at a grave cost that extends beyond the dinner table. Envision, if you will, the distressing end for countless animals, their agonising cries echoing within factories shadowed by death. The detrimental effects of meat consumption span ethical, environmental, and wasteful dimensions, urging a re-evaluation of our dietary choices.
Ethically, the meat industry thrives on the exploitation of defenceless animals, sacrificing millions of lives for human sustenance. Despite the nutritional benefits touted by many, alternatives such as legumes and vegetables offer humane and nutritious substitutes. The stark reality of factories, where animals are reduced to mere commodities, highlights a blatant disregard for life.
Environmentally, the meat industry significantly exacerbates climate change. The emission of methane from livestock, coupled with the carbon footprint of meat processing, calls for urgent action to minimise meat consumption. The overlooked impact of cooking emissions further underscores the need for dietary change.
Moreover, the wastefulness inherent in meat consumption cannot be overstated. Selective eating habits lead to the discarding of valuable animal parts, while the perishability of meat contributes to staggering amounts of waste. This inefficiency underscores the urgent need for more sustainable food choices.
In conclusion, the ramifications of meat consumption extend far beyond individual health, affecting ethical considerations, environmental sustainability, and resource utilisation. As we ponder our next meal, let us consider the broader implications of our choices, embracing alternatives that foster a more compassionate and sustainable world.
Envision a monochromatic world where there was no marine life. Plastic bottles scattered everywhere you look. Innocent, cute animals dying because we are too inconsiderate and lazy. A blanket of plastic engraved on our oceans. This grim reality is bound to come if do not stop using plastic. I strongly believe we should stop using plastic because it is hurting our animals, it is polluting our oceans and it can ruin future generations.
Animals are constantly looking for different food to eat. They are not very smart and eat whatever they can find, even if they do not know what it is. They can also confuse their foods for plastic. Because the plastic cannot pass out of the stomach, the lump continues to grow until the animal dies of starvation. More than 100 million animals die each year from plastic waste alone. Numerous studies from Harvard University have shown that 80 percent of animals confuse plastic with food. Do you want our animals to live?
Our ocean is full of plastic or microplastics. Even if you do not put it in the bin still ends up in the ocean. It ends up in the ocean because rainwater and wind carries plastic waste into streams and rivers, and through drains. Drains lead to the ocean. Careless and improper waste disposal is also a big contributor and illegal dumping of waste adds greatly to the plastic surge in our seas. In many cases, 98 percent of plastic that is on the floor, ends up in the ocean. Plastic can always find its way to pollute the ocean.
Plastics annual production is predicted to double by 2045, when today’s preschoolers are adults. They will likely live in a world of fragile ecosystems and a changing climate. If plastic pollution continues unabated, it will exacerbate these problems. Plastics are now found in oceans, rivers, lakes, air, ice and soil. Studies from Sydney University have shown that plastics break down into microplastics, which become magnets for contaminants in the oceans, creating a concentration of toxins that can kill our future generation.
In conclusion, we should all stop using plastic is not only a moral imperative but also a practical necessity, given the unreliable nature of its outcomes. It is constantly hurting us, our animals especially our marine ones and is hurting our environment. We should stop using plastic because it is hurting our animals, it is polluting our oceans and it can ruin future generations. Adopting a different idea will lead us to a better world.
FEEDBACK
Structure – Score: 8/10
Your essay is well-organised, presenting a clear introduction, body, and conclusion that guide the reader through the argument seamlessly. The structure allows for a coherent flow of ideas, as seen in “I strongly believe we should stop using plastic because it is hurting our animals, it is polliting our oceans and it can ruin future generations.” However, to enhance the structure further, transitions between paragraphs could be smoothed out to ensure a more natural progression of points. Additionally, integrating subheadings or bullet points could help in emphasising key arguments and making the text more reader-friendly.
Rhetorical questions and emotional appeal – Score: 9/10
The use of rhetorical questions and emotional appeal is highly effective in engaging the reader, particularly with phrases like “Do you want our animals to live?” This approach successfully draws the reader into a reflective state, considering the impact of their actions on the environment. To deepen this connection, consider incorporating personal anecdotes or case studies that highlight the direct consequences of plastic pollution on individual animals or communities. This would provide a tangible example of the issues at hand, further motivating readers towards change.
Evoking Pain – Score: 8/10
The vivid imagery of animals suffering and oceans polluted with plastic, as in “A blanket of plastic engraved on our oceans,” powerfully evokes a sense of urgency and distress. To amplify this effect, including specific examples or statistics related to the health impacts on humans could broaden the perspective, showing that the consequences of plastic pollution are not limited to marine life but also affect us directly.
Addressing counterarguments and conclusion – Score: 7/10
Your conclusion reiterates the main points effectively, yet the essay would benefit from addressing potential counterarguments throughout the text. Mentioning and refuting common objections, such as the economic benefits of plastic or the challenges of finding alternatives, could strengthen your argument. This approach demonstrates a well-rounded understanding of the issue and showcases the indispensability of reducing plastic use despite potential drawbacks.
Grammar and Syntax – Score: 4/5
Overall, your grammar and syntax are commendable, with sentences constructed clearly to convey your points. A minor area for improvement is the occasional awkward phrasing, such as “Even if you do not put it in the bin still ends up in the ocean.” Refining these sentences for smoother readability would enhance the overall quality of your writing.
Vocabulary – Score: 4/5
Your choice of words effectively communicates the urgency of the issue, though the essay could benefit from a wider range of vocabulary to express complexity and precision in your arguments. For instance:
Polluting, Synonym: Contaminating
Hurting, Synonym: Harming
Ruin, Synonym: Devastate
Illegal, Synonym: Unlawful
Careless, Synonym: Negligent
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay compellingly highlights the dire consequences of plastic pollution, making a strong case for the necessity of reducing plastic usage. The emotional appeal and use of rhetorical questions effectively engage the reader, while the detailed descriptions of environmental impact evoke a strong sense of urgency. To further strengthen your argument, consider incorporating counterarguments and enhancing the transition between ideas for a more polished structure. Paying attention to vocabulary and grammar will also refine the overall presentation of your essay. Encouragingly, with these adjustments, your writing will not only persuade but also enlighten your audience on the importance of immediate action against plastic pollution.
Detailed suggestions on how to improve writing:
Integrate counterarguments to provide a balanced view and strengthen your position.
Use more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance clarity and impact.
Include personal anecdotes or case studies to make the issue more relatable.
Smooth out transitions between paragraphs for better coherence.
Pay close attention to grammar and syntax to improve readability.
Overall score: 40/50
Rewritten:
Envision a world devoid of colour and life beneath the sea, where the beauty of marine existence is eclipsed by the omnipresence of plastic debris. Innocent creatures, emblematic of nature’s purity, fall victim to our neglect and indolence. A dystopian blanket of plastic suffocates our oceans, foretelling a future we must ardently work to prevent. It is imperative that we cease our reliance on plastic, acknowledging its detrimental effects on fauna, its contamination of aquatic realms, and the peril it poses to future generations.
Marine and terrestrial animals, in their quest for sustenance, inadvertently ingest plastic, mistaking it for food. This fatal error, fuelled by their inability to discern, leads to a tragic accumulation within their bodies, culminating in starvation. Research indicates a staggering mortality rate exceeding 100 million animals annually due to plastic waste, with 80% failing to distinguish between nourishment and plastic, as per studies by Harvard University.
Our oceans, once bastions of biodiversity, now serve as repositories for plastic and microplastics. Regardless of our intentions, discarded plastic invariably finds its way to the sea, propelled by wind and rain through conduits of human negligence. Shockingly, a significant portion of terrestrial plastic is destined for the ocean, exacerbating the plight of marine ecosystems.
The projection that plastic production will double by 2045 presents a grim forecast for our environmental legacy. Plastics pervade every corner of our planet, breaking down into microplastics that attract toxins, threatening not just marine life but human health and survival. Evidence from Sydney University underscores the gravity of this issue, emphasizing the urgent need for action.
In conclusion, abstaining from plastic use is not merely a moral choice but a necessity for the preservation of our environment and well-being. The consequences of inaction are too significant to ignore, impacting our wildlife, oceans, and the very fabric of future generations. Embracing alternatives to plastic will pave the way to a more sustainable and flourishing world.
very epic 😀
Climate change
FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 7
Your essay opens with a powerful narrative that effectively sets the stage for the argument, transitioning smoothly from the emotional appeal to the factual basis of your stance. The use of rhetorical questions in the section discussing the potential extinction of animals due to overconsumption of meat cleverly engages the reader. However, the essay would benefit from a clearer delineation between sections to guide the reader through your argument more effectively. For instance, the transition from the discussion on meat consumption’s environmental impact to health considerations could be more pronounced, perhaps through subheadings or transitional phrases.
Rhetorical Questions and Emotional Appeal – Score out of 10: 8
You skilfully employ rhetorical questions to provoke thought and engage readers, particularly effective in the section questioning the consequences of animal extinction. The emotional appeal is strong, especially in descriptions of animal suffering and the environmental degradation caused by meat production. To enhance this further, consider providing more personal anecdotes or citing case studies that readers can relate to on an emotional level. This would make the emotional appeal even more impactful.
Evoking Pain – Score out of 10: 7
Your vivid descriptions of animal confinement and the degradation of natural landscapes effectively evoke a sense of pain and urgency, compelling readers to consider the ethical implications of their dietary choices. To amplify this effect, you might include more specific examples or statistics that highlight the scale of suffering and environmental damage. Linking these descriptions more directly to the reader’s daily decisions could also strengthen the persuasive impact.
Addressing Counterarguments and Conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
You adeptly anticipate potential counterarguments, particularly with the discussion on nutrient deficiencies in vegetarian diets, and counter them with evidence and recommendations for a balanced diet. The conclusion effectively summarises the argument and reiterates the importance of health. Expanding on the conclusion to include a call to action or practical steps for readers to take towards a more ethical and health-conscious diet would provide a stronger closure.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Overall, your essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and syntax. Nonetheless, there are occasional lapses in sentence structure and punctuation that disrupt the flow of reading. Refining complex sentences for clarity and ensuring correct punctuation usage would enhance the readability of your essay.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Confinement, Synonym: Imprisonment
Desperate, Synonym: Frantic
Squalid, Synonym: Filthy
Extinction, Synonym: Annihilation
Efficient, Synonym: Effective
Your vocabulary is diverse and generally well-suited to the persuasive nature of the essay. To further improve, consider varying your word choice to avoid repetition and more precisely convey nuances, particularly in sections where complex arguments are presented.
Conclusive Feedback:
Your essay effectively marries emotional appeal with factual evidence to present a compelling argument for a balanced diet over a meat-exclusive or vegetarian-exclusive diet. The strong use of rhetorical questions and vivid descriptions engages the reader and evokes a strong emotional response. However, enhancing the structural clarity and addressing counterarguments with even greater depth would strengthen your essay’s persuasive power. Paying closer attention to grammar and syntax will improve readability, and a more varied vocabulary will enrich your argument’s presentation.
To improve your writing:
Introduce clear section headings or transitional phrases for better structure.
Include more personal anecdotes or case studies to enhance emotional appeal.
Provide specific examples or statistics to underscore arguments.
Offer practical steps or a call to action in the conclusion for greater impact.
Refine sentence structure and punctuation for improved clarity and flow.
Be encouraged by the strength of your argument and emotional engagement. With refinement in structure, depth, and presentation, your essay has the potential to be even more persuasive and impactful.
Overall Score: 38
Rewritten:
In the realm of human consumption, the plight of animals in dire confinement unfolds, their distress echoes amidst the once verdant expanses now stripped bare by deforestation, highlighting a global catastrophe. The overconsumption of meat risks not only the extinction of key species but also the loss of crucial resources they provide, from full cream milk to leather and wool. This interdependence underscores our responsibility to steward the earth and its inhabitants, advocating for a paradigm shift in our dietary practices.
Exclusively consuming meat has been linked to adverse health outcomes, including withdrawal symptoms and increased mortality rates, as evidenced by a study involving Finnish men. Conversely, while a vegetarian diet offers numerous health benefits, it also poses risks of nutrient deficiencies, underscoring the importance of balance. The stark reality that nutrient deficiency significantly elevates mortality risks further reinforces the necessity of a well-rounded diet.
Dietitians universally advocate for balanced meals, emphasizing the integration of meat, fruits, and vegetables to cater to the body’s diverse nutritional needs. Such a holistic approach not only fosters physical well-being but also aligns with ethical and environmental stewardship.
In conclusion, the dichotomy between meat consumption and a plant-based diet reveals that neither extreme suffices on its own. The essence of this debate transcends mere dietary preference, touching upon the foundational principles of health and sustainability. As the adage goes, “Health is wealth,” a maxim that holds profound truth in the context of our dietary choices and their broader implications.
I made it longer (401 words)
MEat
WEEK 6 FEEDBACK
Structure – Score out of 10: 8
Your essay begins with a compelling narrative, setting a vivid scene of the consequences of excessive meat consumption. This approach effectively grabs the reader’s attention. However, the transition between sections could be smoother to maintain a logical flow. For example, moving from the depiction of animal suffering to discussing the dietary impacts and then to a balanced diet conclusion feels somewhat abrupt. Integrating these sections more seamlessly would enhance the overall coherence of your argument.
Rhetorical questions and emotional appeal – Score out of 10: 8
You’ve adeptly used rhetorical questions to engage the reader and encourage them to think critically about the implications of their dietary choices. The emotional appeal is strong, especially with phrases like “animals wither away in gruesome confinement,” which evokes a vivid emotional response. To deepen this impact, consider expanding on how adopting a balanced diet could not only alleviate these issues but also lead to a healthier relationship with food and the environment.
Evoking pain – Score out of 10: 8
The initial description of animal distress and environmental degradation powerfully evokes a sense of pain and urgency. This technique is effective in compelling the reader to consider the ethical implications of their dietary habits. To further this approach, incorporating personal stories or testimonials could make the argument even more relatable and persuasive.
Addressing counterarguments and conclusion – Score out of 10: 8
Your conclusion does well to summarise the essay’s main points, suggesting a balanced diet as the solution. However, directly addressing potential counterarguments throughout the essay could strengthen your position. For instance, discussing common misconceptions about vegetarian or vegan diets and providing evidence-based rebuttals would demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
Grammar and Syntax – Score out of 5: 4
Your essay is generally well-written, with a few minor grammatical errors. Paying closer attention to sentence structure and punctuation will enhance clarity and readability. For example, ensuring that each sentence clearly conveys its intended message without ambiguity would improve the essay’s overall quality.
Vocabulary – Score out of 5: 4
Confinement, Synonym: Imprisonment
Desperate, Synonym: Frantic
Squalid, Synonym: Filthy
Extinct, Synonym: Vanished
Efficient, Synonym: Effective
Your use of vocabulary is varied and appropriate, adding depth to your arguments. To further enrich your essay, consider incorporating a wider range of descriptive words and technical terms related to nutrition and environmental science.
Detailed conclusive feedback:
Your essay successfully engages the reader with a compelling argument for considering the ethical and health implications of their dietary choices. The use of vivid imagery, rhetorical questions, and emotional appeal makes for a persuasive read. However, there are opportunities to enhance the essay through better structure and flow, addressing counterarguments more thoroughly, and refining grammar and syntax. By doing so, you can create an even more compelling and comprehensive argument for a balanced diet.
Suggestions for improvement:
Ensure smoother transitions between sections to maintain logical flow and cohesion.
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and technical terms to enrich your argument.
Directly address and rebut common counterarguments to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Use more personal stories or testimonials to make your argument relatable and persuasive.
Pay attention to sentence structure and punctuation to improve clarity and readability.
Be encouraged by the strengths of your writing, such as the effective use of emotional appeal and rhetorical questions. With focused revisions and attention to detail, your essay has the potential to be an even more powerful advocate for ethical and healthy dietary choices.
Overall score: 40
Rewritten:
In the throes of human consumption, countless animals languish in deplorable confines, their cries of agony resonating within the grim walls that imprison them. Meanwhile, what was once verdant terrain has succumbed to deforestation, unveiling a stark tragedy of our making. The overconsumption of certain meats risks rendering species endangered, or worse, extinct. Consider the ramifications: no cows, no full cream milk; no pigs, no leather; no sheep, no wool. These animals not only grace our plates but also provide invaluable materials. Our existence on this planet mandates stewardship over its lands, its inhabitants, and its diverse life forms. Change is imperative.
Adopting a purely carnivorous diet invites adverse health outcomes, including withdrawal symptoms, gastrointestinal distress, and severe fatigue. A Finnish study involving 2,641 men aged between 42 and 60, who consumed an exclusive diet of various meats, revealed a startling mortality rate: 1,225 participants perished, underscoring the dire health implications of such dietary habits.
Conversely, vegetarian diets boast myriad benefits, from facilitating weight loss to reducing DNA damage. Nonetheless, they too have their pitfalls, particularly in nutrient deficiencies including essential fats, vitamins, and minerals. Nutrient deficiency claims the lives of a quarter of those afflicted, highlighting the critical balance diets must strike to sustain life.
Dietitians universally advocate for balanced meals, underscoring the necessity of a diet rich in both plant-based foods and meats to achieve optimal health, irrespective of one’s fitness goals. Such a balanced approach not only fosters physical well-being but also ensures the preservation of our environmental and ethical integrity. In concluding, the discourse on meat versus plant-based diets finds its resolution in balance. Health, as rightly proclaimed, is indeed our greatest wealth.